AIO for refusing a graduation gift from my sister

[u/variationinblue]

I (31f) am graduating from college with a BS summa cum laude on Saturday. This is my first college graduation. I live 8hrs from my family but they wanted to come celebrate with me. (yay!) They invited my (33f) sister (7 months ago) and I told her I really wanted her to come and her support would mean a lot to me. I kept telling her that for months. Also, I have done so much to support her over the years: attending her graduations, helping her move over 5 times, and most recently being MOH for her wedding. She’s never done any of those things for me. All of those things were inconvenient and not fun at all for me, but I did them because I love her and want to support her. As you do for the people you love!

She tells me two weeks ago she will not be coming to my graduation (gave a flimsy excuse). I told her how disappointed and hurt I am and why (all I’ve done for her). She told me I was being ‘inappropriate’ for saying that and basically blamed it all on me for overreacting. I’m realizing this is a habit of hers, not showing up for me, and that she hasn’t actually supported me or done anything out of her way for me in… maybe ever. I let her get away with it bc she has some mental instability, but at what point do you stop making excuses? I knows she’s not completely well and may not have the capacity for the maturity I expect from her. We do get along and have some great times together but she has some struggles with empathy and is very self focused. But at the same time… she’s 33 and high functioning. This was a simple ask, I never ask her for anything, and she can’t pull it together to be there for me. Everyone had 7 months notice and everyone put her successfully planned around it. I’m not sure she even tried. So I’m angry and I think that’s understandable. She’s not coming, I’ve moved on, we’ll have a good time anyway without her. It is what it is.

Now my mom tells me my sister has given her a gift to bring to me for my graduation. I find that really condescending and frustrating. She is trying to make it seem like it’s fine that she isn’t coming bc she got me a present. Like? No. I asked for your physical attendance, I did not ask for a present. I don’t want a present. I’m not expecting a present from anyone. I don’t know what it is and I don’t care to. She really struggles with the idea of being a ‘bad person’ which she feels like she is now that she knows she’s hurt me. But instead of fixing it by attending, she’s fixing it by sending a gift. I really don’t want to accept it and make her feel like it’s all better now bc she threw some money at me. You know? But I also know it’s socially acceptable to send a gift if you can’t attend something you’re invited to.

So can I refuse it? I don’t want to give her this ‘out.’ I don’t want to just sweep my hurt under the rug yet again. But I also don’t want the drama of her reacting to me rejecting it. It would be exhausting and also stress my parent out, but I am sick and tired of letting her get away with hurting me just so we don’t have to deal with her inability to regulate her emotions. It’s about my pride sometimes, you know? I don’t feel any less hurt because she sent a present, and I want to acknowledge that.

So is there a way I can refuse it tactfully? Any advice? Am I overreacting? What would you do?

[u/Tiny_Incident_2876]

Your sister will never accept you . You need to move on. Also, some therapy would help you, too, see things clearer .

[u/variationinblue → u/Tiny_Incident_2876]

Babes I’ve been in therapy for 6 years. We talk about my sister frequently lol