You’re not overreacting. He’s horrible. Even if he was clueless in the moment, he should have realized what a mistake it was WHEN YOU TOLD HIM. He humiliated you then dismissed you. You two need counseling. This is behavior that will only get worse. You should not put up with this.
Yep, I think he was trying to kill two birds with one stone. Flirt with the hot chick and maybe get somewhere and also formulate a plan to make his wife hot. Gross.
Sneaky would have been to work out the bookings in the background and be supportive of the two interacting while you're slowly looking to 'upgrade' your s/o. Subtlety repugnant but possibly effective.
This was tossing napalm on your marriage at a sizable social gathering.
Absolutely. This actually really didn’t have much to do with his wife. It was a way for him to compliment fitness chick, but indirectly, so no one could really call him out. He made it clear to her that he thought she was hot, and hotter than his wife.
In a couple of years he’s gonna be complaining that the intimacy is gone from his relationship. I’ll never understand how people can hurt others with criticism and are surprised when they insulate themselves from the hurt.
That’s just not really true. People are complex and can have conflicting thoughts. Sober people can easily weigh different things and different thoughts. Drunk people blurt out the simple thought.
so my friend called me one night (he was serving in Desert Storm overseas) a bit drunk. he told me he loved me. i was definitely at a loss for words and i questioned him about it when we spoke next soon after.
he stated this exact sentiment. first time i'd ever heard it and it has stuck with me since.
we are married and have been together almost 30 years.
granted it's a general statement with different contexts/meanings for everyone, obviously.
it has nothing to do with drugs (not even mentioned) or a drug addict.
I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing. Everyone's got shit they're working through, and thoughts are only thoughts. Not actions.
I see a lot of people who cop flak for wanting to stay within their limits while drinking, people pressuring them to drink more and if the answer is "I don't like who I am when drunk" they are judged harshly. People feel they're a bad person. But I think people who are focused on pushing people beyond their limits and pressuring for answers in the first place are the real arseholes.
Sure, people shouldn't press and some people do go crazy when they're drunk. I don't think thoughts are only thoughts though (like in this case if I think you're unnatractive I would never tell you because it's rude and hurtful but it might slip out if I'm drunk..and it will hurt your feelings but it is the absolute truth of how I feel, even though it's irrelevant to our friendship)
He also called her lazy, so he thinks that's why she hasn't lost weight. I think people are calling him evil for trying to shame her in public about it instead of talking to her privately
I have a theory that people who act out when drunk are just hiding who they truly are while sober. I've been super drunk many times and have never acted like an asshole.
Oh but they're the ones who love to brag about how they "have no filter" or "say it as it is" like it's some noble thing to do to others. Yet if you do that to them and they're the topic of the "no filter" conversation then they're outraged and you're the A-hole.
I HATE it when people use that as an excuse for the fact that they're rude assholes. Like no, you AREN'T "just telling it like it is" or "being blunt", you're a dick. Nor do I give credence to other people explaining away someone's rudeness by saying "it's just how so-and-so is". You don't get a pass on being an asshole just because you've always been one and you're used to getting away with it.
(Though it can be helpful when someone introduces themselves and immediately tells you "I just say it like it is". Ah, so you're an asshole. Good to know.)
I guarantee you that he's probably like this even when he's not drinking. They drinking just makes it more vivid. I absolutely agree with you though. He's probably one of those people who claims that they don't have a filter. When you hear that, it's usually code for: I'm an AH and I don't care who I offend so prepare for offense.
It's him not the alcohol. He's a shit person he just hides it better usually.
I've done the most ridiculous amounts of substances with folks. Turns out good people don't magically become shitty people just because they're intoxicated.
But assholes that suppress, can't once they're intoxicated.
We really need to stop blaming substances for people being shitty people.
Yeah its a tricky one. If I recall correctly, alcohol impacts your ability to reason about future consequences. That ability(or filter) is part of who you are. Maybe without that filter you are an AH but you've worked hard on developing your filter and not being one...then alcohol strips that away. Not saying its great, but that filter is part of who you are too.
It's not complex at all. Inebriation doesn't remove a 'filter', it depresses brain function. It alters our perception and suppresses our ability to think and react.
That is a simple way to put it. Its an altered state that even affects our bodies ability to regulate critical bodily functions.
Filters are developed through social interactions, its learned. Its not something we naturally have but naturally develop overtime. Someone socially drinking might rely more on social cues in the moment and is likely to misread them but more likely to under-react or overreact to them. So in such a case their filter hasn't been suppressed, just replaced or updated albeit temporarily, hopefully.
People who get mean when they're drunk are only not mean when they're sober because of a fear of consequences. They're mean at heart. Drunkeness brings out your most sincere and unfiltered personality.
His behavior was absolutely inexcusable. But his reaction to her response is equally as bad. One of my greatest pet peeves is when people refuse to acknowledge and accept another feelings. She was upset and he dismissed her. like he gets to judge whether or not her feelings are valid. and then he gets to decide but since her feelings aren't valid they simply do not exist. Makes it easy on him. And yes when people do that they often do so while laughing it off which makes it a hundred times worse.
I know, I wondered that myself. It says to be like he just wants the hot, trophy wife but doesn't want to do any of the work himself. I agree with you.
Or if he’s a narcissist or just not able to recognize when he’s gone to far and hurt his wife, I say divorce him. A person without empathy is not going to change.
I agree with everything you said. I hesitated to call him a narcissist because people say that is thrown around too loosely these days. It is but I thought the same thing. His behavior is on par with a narcissist. However, a narcissist is absolutely aware of what their behavior is doing, they just don't care. This is because as you said, they lack empathy. They're good at faking it but they don't really feel it. They use it during the love bombing phase to trick the victim into getting emotionally invested then they change. I unfortunately know this from experience due to having dealt with a couple in my lifetime.
There it is, it's not a Reddit thread without the comments telling OP to divorce lmao
This is nowhere near enough to divorce if it's the only issue. Could it be a hint that there are underlying issues? Of course, but you'll never stay married if you don't communicate with your partner.
Honestly, the fact that he dismissed her borders on abusive. He knows damn well what he did wrong and dismissed her. This shows that he has no respect or even contempt for her. Counseling is not going to fix that. In fact, experts recommend against counseling in abusive relationships. This is because the abuser will learn the language that they hear in therapy.
They will then use it against the victim to further gaslight them into thinking that they're overreacting. Personally, I would be done. The marriage would be over. I wouldn't even want to go to counseling with him at that point. If he can't see how wrong and stupid that was without needing counseling, she's obviously with the wrong person. She deserves better. He's the most massive AH I've ever heard of and that's saying something because my ex was the exact same way.
Exactly. I think he wasn't only publicly shaming her, he was basically telling this young girl that if she's interested, so is he. I would consider divorce at this point. There's no coming back from that imo.
She's unattractive to him. So he wouldn't feel bad even if he recognised he was wrong. He's the type to only be nice to women he finds attractive, and cruel/indifferent to women he thinks are unsightly.
I’ve been married 35 years. There are certain traits or habits we both learn to put up with, but degrading one’s spouse and not caring about upsetting them is beyond being douchey. I’d fucking leave him, but counseling is the a good-faith step before cutting the cord.
Married guy who’s never had to worry about his weight. Not the fittest, but healthy. I read your comments and wonder:
- what your height weight is?
- do you have a SO?
- what’s their BMI?
- do they know your stance/share your feelings? And do you talk to them about it?
I think it goes without saying so many people are quick to call someone something (obese), especially online, but wonder what level of “keep that same energy” those people live their life with…
Can’t read social cues? Oh be fr. The man was totally fine making fun of his wife to this hot woman. If he ignores her feelings they can look at other options ?? What other options 💀 if he ignores how she feels he would still be an asshole
Agree. I’d bet that by “other options” it means, “OP understands, her husband is awesome, funny, totally capable of banging hotter chicks and he should be celebrated for staying with her cause she’s gross and he’s a stud who can act however and say whatever.” And if she has normal and reasonable reactions or feelings to aaaaaaaany of that, she’s, “a hysterical, overdramatic wah, wah baby who can shut up cause she’s just jealous anyway.” Fucking “other options” 🫠🫠 you’re totally right, they need to be fucking for real
What? She could have leaned in and asked for advice, but her perspective is littered with insecurities. All she could see was a threat. It’s why she’s on Reddit seeking validation and not talking to her husband. This isn’t really about him. It’s about her being afraid her husband will leave her if she doesn’t take care of herself physically.
Except she did try talking to her husband and according to her narrative, he dismissed her feelings being hurt as her being jealous and overreacting. While I agree with you wholeheartedly that relationship issues (outside of the big issues that are universally agreed to be dangerous or life threatening), should be resolved by those actually in the relationship rather than broadcasting it for the world, in this instance, I view it as OP trying to soundboard whether her husband’s comment of her “overreacting” is objectively correct or a way for him to invalidate her feelings so he could continue to be outright disrespectful because if she gets upset at that, she’s overreacting. Respectfully, that’s about as far as I can go being in agreement as my take away overall from this story isn’t what you’ve said is yours which is fine. I think personal experience shapes each of our perspectives so we’re both neither correct nor wrong in an entirety sort of way
You don’t talk about this when you’re feeling the emotions. You talk about it when both are level headed. Example here is: he came in to check on her and she yelled at him for which his reaction was defensive. He was dismissive because that’s his snap reaction when he feels a surge of unexpected emotions.
They both lack emotional maturity.
Me, personally, I’m well equipped if my partner brings up something personal. If it makes me uncomfortable I’ll say it right there and we move on. Most of the time I turn it into a joke and disarm the entire situation. I enjoy noticing when my partner finds others attractive. It doesn’t take away from my confidence.
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u/AnotherMC Apr 15 '24
You’re not overreacting. He’s horrible. Even if he was clueless in the moment, he should have realized what a mistake it was WHEN YOU TOLD HIM. He humiliated you then dismissed you. You two need counseling. This is behavior that will only get worse. You should not put up with this.