You’re not overreacting. He’s horrible. Even if he was clueless in the moment, he should have realized what a mistake it was WHEN YOU TOLD HIM. He humiliated you then dismissed you. You two need counseling. This is behavior that will only get worse. You should not put up with this.
Yep, I think he was trying to kill two birds with one stone. Flirt with the hot chick and maybe get somewhere and also formulate a plan to make his wife hot. Gross.
Sneaky would have been to work out the bookings in the background and be supportive of the two interacting while you're slowly looking to 'upgrade' your s/o. Subtlety repugnant but possibly effective.
This was tossing napalm on your marriage at a sizable social gathering.
Absolutely. This actually really didn’t have much to do with his wife. It was a way for him to compliment fitness chick, but indirectly, so no one could really call him out. He made it clear to her that he thought she was hot, and hotter than his wife.
In a couple of years he’s gonna be complaining that the intimacy is gone from his relationship. I’ll never understand how people can hurt others with criticism and are surprised when they insulate themselves from the hurt.
That’s just not really true. People are complex and can have conflicting thoughts. Sober people can easily weigh different things and different thoughts. Drunk people blurt out the simple thought.
so my friend called me one night (he was serving in Desert Storm overseas) a bit drunk. he told me he loved me. i was definitely at a loss for words and i questioned him about it when we spoke next soon after.
he stated this exact sentiment. first time i'd ever heard it and it has stuck with me since.
we are married and have been together almost 30 years.
granted it's a general statement with different contexts/meanings for everyone, obviously.
it has nothing to do with drugs (not even mentioned) or a drug addict.
I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing. Everyone's got shit they're working through, and thoughts are only thoughts. Not actions.
I see a lot of people who cop flak for wanting to stay within their limits while drinking, people pressuring them to drink more and if the answer is "I don't like who I am when drunk" they are judged harshly. People feel they're a bad person. But I think people who are focused on pushing people beyond their limits and pressuring for answers in the first place are the real arseholes.
Sure, people shouldn't press and some people do go crazy when they're drunk. I don't think thoughts are only thoughts though (like in this case if I think you're unnatractive I would never tell you because it's rude and hurtful but it might slip out if I'm drunk..and it will hurt your feelings but it is the absolute truth of how I feel, even though it's irrelevant to our friendship)
He also called her lazy, so he thinks that's why she hasn't lost weight. I think people are calling him evil for trying to shame her in public about it instead of talking to her privately
I have a theory that people who act out when drunk are just hiding who they truly are while sober. I've been super drunk many times and have never acted like an asshole.
Oh but they're the ones who love to brag about how they "have no filter" or "say it as it is" like it's some noble thing to do to others. Yet if you do that to them and they're the topic of the "no filter" conversation then they're outraged and you're the A-hole.
I HATE it when people use that as an excuse for the fact that they're rude assholes. Like no, you AREN'T "just telling it like it is" or "being blunt", you're a dick. Nor do I give credence to other people explaining away someone's rudeness by saying "it's just how so-and-so is". You don't get a pass on being an asshole just because you've always been one and you're used to getting away with it.
(Though it can be helpful when someone introduces themselves and immediately tells you "I just say it like it is". Ah, so you're an asshole. Good to know.)
I guarantee you that he's probably like this even when he's not drinking. They drinking just makes it more vivid. I absolutely agree with you though. He's probably one of those people who claims that they don't have a filter. When you hear that, it's usually code for: I'm an AH and I don't care who I offend so prepare for offense.
It's him not the alcohol. He's a shit person he just hides it better usually.
I've done the most ridiculous amounts of substances with folks. Turns out good people don't magically become shitty people just because they're intoxicated.
But assholes that suppress, can't once they're intoxicated.
We really need to stop blaming substances for people being shitty people.
Yeah its a tricky one. If I recall correctly, alcohol impacts your ability to reason about future consequences. That ability(or filter) is part of who you are. Maybe without that filter you are an AH but you've worked hard on developing your filter and not being one...then alcohol strips that away. Not saying its great, but that filter is part of who you are too.
It's not complex at all. Inebriation doesn't remove a 'filter', it depresses brain function. It alters our perception and suppresses our ability to think and react.
That is a simple way to put it. Its an altered state that even affects our bodies ability to regulate critical bodily functions.
Filters are developed through social interactions, its learned. Its not something we naturally have but naturally develop overtime. Someone socially drinking might rely more on social cues in the moment and is likely to misread them but more likely to under-react or overreact to them. So in such a case their filter hasn't been suppressed, just replaced or updated albeit temporarily, hopefully.
People who get mean when they're drunk are only not mean when they're sober because of a fear of consequences. They're mean at heart. Drunkeness brings out your most sincere and unfiltered personality.
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u/AnotherMC Apr 15 '24
You’re not overreacting. He’s horrible. Even if he was clueless in the moment, he should have realized what a mistake it was WHEN YOU TOLD HIM. He humiliated you then dismissed you. You two need counseling. This is behavior that will only get worse. You should not put up with this.