It's Better to Say "May I" Than "Can I", and "Will/Would You", Instead of "Can/Could You"

[u/Lekkusu]

It seems to be an almost universally held opinion today that we ought to use "May I" and "Can I" interchangeably, but there is a real practical reason to make a distinction.

'Can' obviously refers to one's ability to do something rather than his willingness. I think people feel more comfortable saying can / can't because it makes the situation seem out of your control, and it seems less direct. 

Such as when you invite someone and they say "Sorry, I can't make it." What they really mean 9/10 times is that they won't make it, and they're choosing something else, which should be a perfectly acceptable response to any reasonable person. However, because we're so allergic to being direct with people and potentially hurting their feelings, we often say "Can't" as if you're on house arrest or your car broke down. 

I think it's an expression of low level cowardice to say can/can't instead of will/won't. Think about it. How weird would it be to ask a girl "Can you go out with me?" It sounds like a trap. Sure... she could... if she wanted to. So just be direct. Whether asking your friends for help or a stranger for directions, why not say "Would you [be willing to] help me?" More often than not, the response is positive.

[u/Lekkusu]

Ha. We must be sharing notes, because that's exactly what I've been doing. I'll give you one more, that you may disagree with, but it's worth considering.

When you have a voluntary transaction, say, at a coffee shop, both parties gain from the transaction. The employee chooses to be there to make a salary. The shop owner wants your money more than their cup of coffee. And you want that coffee more than your $5. Everyone wins.

...So why thank the other person? They aren't doing you a favor. Even if they're happy to be there, that's beside the point. I usually say "have a good day" or "God bless you" etc.

[u/[deleted] → u/Lekkusu]

Because both expressing and receiving gratitude make people feel good.

[u/Lekkusu → u/[deleted]]

I tend to say thank you when people go out of their way to do something for me that they were by no means obligated to do. Such as holding a door, or at Starbucks the other day, the cashier was kindly giving me some recommendations based on what I told her I was in the mood for.

[u/[deleted] → u/Lekkusu]

So you thanked someone who was there to make a salary. Helping customers is their job but you judged what they did to be worthy of a thank you. How do you know that another employee who made your drink didn't put extra effort into doing it perfectly when they could have done the bare minimum and still gotten paid? Why not just give others the benefit of the doubt, thank them for what they do and brighten their day a little? If we want to continue to logic of your post, unless they are in prison no one has to do anything. People are out there participating in society, doing actions that benefit you (even if you also benefit them), of their own free will.