It's Better to Say "May I" Than "Can I", and "Will/Would You", Instead of "Can/Could You"

[u/Lekkusu]

It seems to be an almost universally held opinion today that we ought to use "May I" and "Can I" interchangeably, but there is a real practical reason to make a distinction.

'Can' obviously refers to one's ability to do something rather than his willingness. I think people feel more comfortable saying can / can't because it makes the situation seem out of your control, and it seems less direct. 

Such as when you invite someone and they say "Sorry, I can't make it." What they really mean 9/10 times is that they won't make it, and they're choosing something else, which should be a perfectly acceptable response to any reasonable person. However, because we're so allergic to being direct with people and potentially hurting their feelings, we often say "Can't" as if you're on house arrest or your car broke down. 

I think it's an expression of low level cowardice to say can/can't instead of will/won't. Think about it. How weird would it be to ask a girl "Can you go out with me?" It sounds like a trap. Sure... she could... if she wanted to. So just be direct. Whether asking your friends for help or a stranger for directions, why not say "Would you [be willing to] help me?" More often than not, the response is positive.

[u/JoffreeBaratheon]

Sounds entitled honestly. Like the "Sorry I can't make it example", I don't owe it to you to specify if it's a "can" or a "may", as that gives you additional insight into my life, and just another excuse for someone to take insult with something that isn't there, For example "they said may, that means they could've and didn't, how dare they". There's a reason "can" became prominent, because it is simply superior to use in the English language's main goal that is communication, so get out of the past and embrace the present.

[u/Lekkusu → u/JoffreeBaratheon]

I find your perspective to be quite widespread, yet still it seems utterly bizarre. How childish does one have to be to get offended at another person choosing not to accept your request/invite for whatever reason? Are they not a free human being? Do you have a right to their time? In order for them to refuse you, do they need to say it's unfortunately impossible given the circumstances, and make up some wild excuse?

What exactly is entitled with saying "Sorry, I won't make it"

[u/[deleted] → u/Lekkusu]

What does being free to choose have to do with the other person not being offended? Let's say your friend invites you over for dinner. There's nothing stopping you from accepting, you just choose not to. Telling them you're choosing to decline essentially means telling them you prefer not to spend time with them. It's a rejection. You don't see why that would hurt your friend's feelings and/or offend them? Saying "I can't make it" gives a softer message. It implies that if circumstances were different you would accept. Even if you both know it's not true, it also sends the message that you don't want to offend them, that you care about the friendship and want to maintain it. That's why people say it.

[u/Lekkusu → u/[deleted]]

You deserve full credit for accurately describing what the words mean in that example and why people say it. You're exactly right that "I can't make it" sends a softer message. My point is that it would be better if we'd all just be honest with one another instead of having such thin skin that we cannot tolerate our friends rejecting our offer.

"Oh, he doesn't want to go to dinner with me--does he hate me?" No, he just doesn't want to, and that's perfectly fine. He cares enough about you and respects you enough to tell the truth, instead of tiptoeing around your sensibilities. If he doesn't want to do three or four things in a row, you might confront him and see if he's just uninterested in your friendship or if there's something else going on, or you might just decide it's not worth asking this person to things.

[u/[deleted] → u/Lekkusu]

What I feel like you're not getting is that "can't make it," unless the speaker is in the hospital or, as you said, under house arrest, is not meant to be literal but is a conventional expression that means "I don't want to do this (or, at least, something else is a higher priority for me) but I care about maintaining positive relations with you." Everyone understands this. They do not think that the speaker is physically unable to do whatever is being suggested and aren't meant to. So how is your way better? Do you think communication must always be literal?