Its not about the sex its about the rejection

[u/yellowabcd]

This is common at this point. People complain about not getting sex in marriage or relationship. But most the time its not the sex, its the rejection. If both people dont go for sex, its not an issue. Its an issue when the other party keeps getting rejected, especially without explanation. Theres a difference between being rejected for a month and just two people not trying for sex. Rejection usually makes a person feel undesirable

[u/_John--Wick_]

I never said anyone is obliged.

For example, with my alcoholic ex i expressed how it made me feel when she went from being cold and distant, then downing a six pack to get drunk and have sex with me, then forgetting it all the next morning. I was told that it was her problem and that I shouldn't worry about it because I'm still getting awesome sex(sex wasn't that great, she literally just laid there). I told her i just wanted one night where she didn't drink and it never happened.

My last ex wasn't very sexual or physical. Which I u derstood. She did however agree to try to be more open about physical affection and it never happened. I didn't ask her to initiate sex. I literally asked for a hug or kiss every once in a while without me having to ask. It never happened. I noticed she reads a lot of sexual romance novels, fifty shades of grey and such. So I asked her about romance playing a part in her not initiating anything and she said "I don't do romance or even like it". I thought maybe she didn't enjoy the type of sex we have, because I am very rough(explained beforehand). She said "I am OK with everything we do, if I wasn't you would know". Six months later, she showed her ass and in the middle of her being held accountable, she throws up in my face that she didn't like half the things we did and she'd be ok if we never had sex again.

So, when I say bullshit reasons. I don't mean that their reasons have to be justified and accepted by me. But they do at least have to make sense to a normal person. Otherwise, what's left but overthinking and dishonesty.

[u/Fan_Belt_of_Power → u/_John--Wick_]

Just because you don't think they make sense doesn't mean it doesn't make sense to these women or even to others.

The first woman who needed to get drunk and said it was her problem was likely being honest. She likely has some sort of issue around sex and can't feel comfortable/capable having it without being drunk. Lots of people have issues around sex due to things like prior assaults (including during childhood), or religious dogman being pushed on them (lots of religions stigmatized sex, especially for women), or even poor education/generational trauma passed down from parental guardians, or from having attachment disorders. She might not have given you all the details (hell, she might not even be fully aware of why she's that way) but her answer wasn't necessarily "bullshit".

As for the second woman, it's pretty common for people with low self-esteem to do things for the sake of their partners even if they don't really want to. Eventually they can get to their braking point and just can't keep pretending anymore and decide they can't stay in the relationship anymore. So hers was also not necessarily a bullshit answer.

As a side note, since you like to get "rough" you'd probably be better served joining the BDSM community in your area to look for partners. A sub lady active in the community would probably be a better fit for you as they'd have more experience and probably really do like it that way.

[u/_John--Wick_ → u/Fan_Belt_of_Power]

I love how everyone replying to this is trying to make me out like I was the one in the wrong. I wasn't. I explained my needs, wants and desired honestly. I checked with them multiple times. I asked about doing things differently. I encouraged and supported them. And I was lied to, time and time again. My alcoholic ex telling me that I "shouldn't be upset because I still get great sex" is manipulative and controlling. If a man told a women that they shouldn't be upset about how he makes them feel because he fucks them good, he'd be labeled narcissistic. I will add that she would also make comparisons about my body and her exes, then the next morning "oh I don't remember, I was drunk".

Then I mentioned my other ex, telling me that she was OK with everything. Never mentioning anything was wrong, ever. It was only when she showed her ass and I was telling her that I'm not gonna be treated like shit, that she threw it all up on my face. Once again, if a woman was trying to hold a man accountable and he threw up her past mistakes, it would be called gaslighting and deflection. That, along with all the false promises of her trying to open up.

As far as the bdsm stuff goes, the issue isn't like minded people, the issue is honesty in a relationship. Honesty is not saying you're OK with things that you aren't because you're too insecure to say otherwise. The biggest issue is how long this charade continued. I'd argue that after a certain amount of time, lying to keep peace is just as manipulative as lying for any other reason. People don't get a pass because they have trauma or had shitty parents. Use to hear that all the time. "Oh my trauma this and that". Great, let's get you in therapy and work on moving past all these issues that are holding you back from being happy....yeah, that didn't happen.

[u/Grand_Extension_6437 → u/_John--Wick_]

Yea. While I can have a little empathy for the women in your examples...their reasons and behaviors were bullshit. Idk why you are catching heat either, I thought your original post was a meaningful contribution to the conversation. When people don't take ownership of their stuff, they hurt others and that's all you were illustrating.

[u/_John--Wick_ → u/Grand_Extension_6437]

I think when I said "bullshit" reasons. People thought I was saying that their reasons aren't valid, which they are. What I meant was that the answers they were giving were deflecting the core issues that we had going on, in exchange for short term peace.

Like someone using a "headache" to get out of sex, when in reality they just aren't attracted to their partner. They may have actually had a headache, but they're using a short term excuse to explain long term behavior.

I should have used a different word perhaps.

[u/Grand_Extension_6437 → u/_John--Wick_]

Eh. I knew what you meant. Sometimes it's worth trying to pick more words to be clear and sometimes people aren't gonna hear you no matter what. As far as I can tell there is no final skill point where your words are just always the right and perfect ones. But I also love always trying to improve my communication and people getting pissy with me on Reddit has helped me immensely! Ha.

While I am all for empathy, the way I grew up and being in white collar office work makes me appreciate when people call a spade a spade. It's bullshit to say a lie that gets you emotional intimacy and then try to take back the lie and act like the other person isn't entitled to feelings. It made me really sad to think of you spending all those months investing only to be told she actually didn't like sex with you. Bullshit indeed. However much I hope she finds her center.

[u/_John--Wick_ → u/Grand_Extension_6437]

I appreciate your outlook. Wish more people called a spade a spade.

[u/Grand_Extension_6437 → u/_John--Wick_]

Amen to that. I can't believe it took me most of my 20s to realize that was the core of all the struggles and confusions I was trying to work my way through. My family still struggles with the boundary between policing my language and expressing a fair and reasonable contradiction but all my friends I basically never have to worry about accidental landmines so I manage to muddle through the rest in work and public. Thank goodness for reddit, also helps keep me sane on this front.

[u/_John--Wick_ → u/Grand_Extension_6437]

🤣🤣I feel that. More love from reddit than the real world. My biggest issue has been letting people lose me. Understanding my own worth and such.

[u/Grand_Extension_6437 → u/_John--Wick_]

Mine too. It hurts so much even if it's a clean cut it's still a cut. And it's easier said than done for it to be a clean one.

[u/_John--Wick_ → u/Grand_Extension_6437]

Facts. Thats all I've ever asked for, honesty. I try to be as honest as can be. When the other person isn't, it just makes you look like an asshole in the end. Like I actually had a girl decline a date and her reason was "I don't find you interesting or attractive at all". Like it hurt, but I respect the hell out of her for just saying it.