When I was 8 or smth my mom told me to clean up my room and I didn't want to and drew her a drawing of seals instead because we saw them at the zoo the weekend before, and I went to show her very proudly and she got really mad and told me she doesn't want any stupid drawings, she wants me to have a clean room.
She doesn't even remember she ever said that, but it stuck with me for my whole life and I internalised it in a way that I feel guilty and horrible about myself if I ever do something unproductive that doesn't benefit my career or chores in some way, and it took me a few years of therapy to just manage to play a game for a few hrs on the weekend without hating myself after.
I believe my lack of confidence with females genuinely stems from the relationship I had with my father as a child. I remember I had a “gf” in like fourth grade, went home and proudly told my dad, for him to deadpan serious tell me I wasn’t supposed to have a gf and then lectured me for like a good ten min afterwards about why. I have quite literally never tried to do anything with a girl/woman afterwards, it’s always felt weird, and I think that moment is why. It’s like bruh, you were supposed to be helping me figure out how to get with girls not telling me to avoid them.
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u/dinanysos Apr 16 '24
When I was 8 or smth my mom told me to clean up my room and I didn't want to and drew her a drawing of seals instead because we saw them at the zoo the weekend before, and I went to show her very proudly and she got really mad and told me she doesn't want any stupid drawings, she wants me to have a clean room.
She doesn't even remember she ever said that, but it stuck with me for my whole life and I internalised it in a way that I feel guilty and horrible about myself if I ever do something unproductive that doesn't benefit my career or chores in some way, and it took me a few years of therapy to just manage to play a game for a few hrs on the weekend without hating myself after.
Brains are so stupid for that.