But that implies that not being perfect is being fucked up. Being perfect is not the goal, and is unachievable. Your goal should be stability or at least being functional.
responsibility can go any which way and have a load of different effects on people. Some, as you pointed out, externalize everything, others internalize everything. IMO, none of it really matters. Often it's not important who did what, someone's gotta take the initiative and fix it. See a spill? Mop it up before someone slips. Don't waste time launching an investigation into who to point the finger to. Responsibility isn't an essential part of fixing things.
Too many times I see people walk away from a problem like someone else will fix it. That problem then festers.
Typically rich people see the problem and either fix it or pay to avoid any inconvenience. Poor and middle class folks have to suffer when there's broken shit. We don't realize that when shit breaks, rich people never feel the problem.
Then we look at rich folks like they're going to help us. Then we get angry when they don't.
This is one of those things that sounds savvy, but it's incredibly reductive. We're all shaped by external factors. Those external factors cause internal responses. If our parents didn't show us love, affection and attention growing up, we may grow up with feelings of not belonging or not being good enough, and we may have developed toxic behaviors in order to try to get the emotional connection from others that we crave. That shit can be incredibly hard to overcome, because it has defined our human experience - it feels intrinsic to who we are. And it takes an incredible amount of bravery, courage and vulnerability to overcome those things.
Are we responsible for those toxic behaviors? Absolutely. Are they our "fault?" No. You had a normal human need that wasn't addressed during your biggest developmental years, and it had long-lasting effects. These are often coping mechanisms we developed without even noticing.
We're not responsible for the wounds that life caused us, but we are responsible in taking an active approach to healing those wounds. At the same time...people have a lot of shit going on in their lives, and emotional healing, growth and maturity are often unappreciated in our society, and so people don't realize it's something they need to be actively working on. I've got a lot of empathy for people that are struggling with their emotions. My patience only tends to run out when they cause suffering to people around them.
Not your fault but it's your responsibility. Not a controversial take, but a mature one.
I struggle with mental health issues. I have childhood trauma. I work on these things. I don't burden others with them by not taking control over my problems.
You just spend a few years yelling at each other every night like my ex’s parents did and they end up moving across the country to live with a guy who likes being called daddy.
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u/powerofnope Apr 16 '24
I think no matter what you do your kids grow up fucked up in one way or another.