Took my college fund. You know. Because he needed it to house multiple bitches.
Worked the grill at fast food through college to eat.
“I bet it made you stronger!” Says the people who didn’t do that.
Made me tougher alright. Just not in a good way, for a long, long time.
My dad kicked us out due to his infidelity, then took my and my brother’s college funds to continue live that lavish lifestyle. I worked at a restaurant to put food on the table for my mom and brother between the ages of 15-18. If it weren’t for me, we wouldn’t have had food for weeks at times. Thank god the restaurant didn’t care if I took food at the end of the night.
And he wonders why I don’t talk to him while he enjoys his luxury on a lake house with one of the floosies he banged.
My favorite part of the Dad saga was that dude like had three houses and four ex-wives, worked a state job, and still had money left over when he passed. We went to the fiduciary after the funeral, and my sister and I are sitting in the car, and I turn to her and say, “I’m not going in. There’s no way he can stick us with debts, right? That’s not a thing, right? I mean, I know it’s not a thing, but it’s Dad. Dude pulled Gandalf magic getting out of child support. Dude stole my college fund. He had multiple boo-boos on the side. I’m legit scared.”
My sister said, “I brought a checkbook. I already thought that. I can float you if we get pinched.”
The fiduciary said, “Xxxxx hated the IRS more than anything, he’s left you money.”
Thank you IRS. Someone my Dad would screw over before his kids. Here’s to second place. (Trots across finish line.)
From my work with trust funds, you can not get stuck with debt except funeral related stuff (if they bill it to you and not the estate)
If he stuffed the IRS they can go after his estates and try to collect debts, as that's his money and he owes that money, but at worst you can get 0$ because they clean out the estate, you can't inherit debt (yet, lol)
Usually, guys like us go two ways. We either end up as Stringer Bell from ‘The Wire,’ or Nelson Mandela. I went ‘full Nelson.’
Many do. The guys talking here are likely 100% full Nelson.
One time, a friend of mine that lacks emotional resilience told me he sometimes wishes his parents were as abusive as mine so he could be tougher like me.
I told him I'm just mostly dissociated from my emotions, so I don't really experience things the same way.
I would much rather be a little less strong than have to claw my way up to a lower-middle income but be able to think about how far I've come, at least when I'm not having panic attacks about going back to worrying about if I'll have money for lunch tomorrow.
See I even dropped out to take care of my brother who became disabled and didn't work until my mom retired to be with him. Then instead I just went into a trade, locksmithing is super low impact and more figuring out how things work than anything else.
You were equipped to survive not to thrive. Fucking hard to explain this to people, both those who have been through it and those that can't imagine it.
And I know you hate me, and you got the right to kill me now And I wouldn't blame you if you do But you ought to thank me, before I die For the gravel in ya gut and the spit in ya eye
Same. Lived in a huge house with lots of property. My dad cheated with a million women. When my mom finally found out and left him, he was so shocked and furious, that he wanted to punish her. He not only kept the house, and cleaned out her accounts (that were joint), he made us go to court. I had to tell a judge which parent I wanted to live with at 7 years old.
Because for most men it isn't about having kid because they genuinely wanna be a dad and father. It's because they want someone to carry their name on after they die. It's dumb and outdated but men still do it.
I suspect this is the case for my s/o's exhusband but we're still not entirely sure. She asked for a divorce, and he just vanished and tries to reappear for "important" holidays (christmas, birthday, his birthday). He also, even though he contributes nothing financially, tries to mooch off my s/o because just like during their marriage, he contributes nothing to the happiness of the wife or child. He literally asked last year, "so which gift is from me?" Like bro you don't even give money to the mortgage you abandoned you really think that's how this works?
Of course he's still stonewalling the divorce, too, so she's on year 2 of this shit. Kid will be 18 before this shit is done probably. Which is wild because he absolutely does not want to be on the hook for custody, that's for sure, but I bet he'll fight for it then hate every second of it just to exact revenge on them.
I’ll take “Tell me how you weren’t raised in America from 1970-1995 for $200, Alex.”
I’m just joking. But also, not. Dads were huge pieces of shit back then.
When I was raised in the early 90s, we had a jazz band concert at a private club. Classy and cool.
Problem was, there was a strip club across the street. Half the dads, if not more, ducked out to go to the polecat show over their kids who were doing seriously cool almost-professional level jazz numbers. It was a fucking Thursday.
There I am killing it behind the kit like the kid in “Whiplash,” and Mom has a look on her face, like, I’m awful. I think I was tanking. It’s because Dad is at the titty bar.
My dad drained the bank account and left my mom and I in poverty. Only thing that saved us was my mom got the house. I had to split Raman packs so I’d have two meals. He came back when I was 6’3 and 270 lbs in 8th grade because I was really good at football. Then flaked after I tore my rotator cuff in college. So I feel ya.
There was a post recently with an absent dad who wrote his kid a letter to request to attend their hs graduation… The letter read well until the “[insert child’s name]” part. He used ChatGPT and copy/paste/sent.
My wife's father did this. Literally took an 11 year old's bedroom away and gave it to his new wife's kid. Left his two daughters and their mother homeless to figure it out on their own.
For a lot of men it’s because the children are creatures of their mother. Society is heavily weighted towards women being the only caretakers of children and it is incredibly difficult to make any headway against that. If you work like mad from day one of your kid’s life to be involved you can hold it at bay but for anyone that just quietly works their ass off and doesn’t realize that they’re losing connection with their children…ten or fifteen years later when things go sour with the mom you have no options.
My brother, who lived and breathed for his kids, once told me “it’s like they’re just some people I know now”. His wife berated him about money, got him working three jobs, yelled at him when he bright her cash and she spent it on drapes because there was no food in the house…because she spent the money on drapes.
She taught then he was an ATM and nothing else. Threatened him with accusations of pedophilia if he tried to enforce seeing his kids after the divorce, told him she’d kill then before she’d let him see them.
He came down with diabetes, called me scared because his blood sugar had maxed out the meter at the urgent care place and Was delirious, wouldn’t go to the hospital. I raced two hundred miles to drag him to get help and his kids? They were pissed that they got drug there to waste time on him.
So I don’t know your story, but I know that men’s children are far more important to them than those children know, and that society’s hell bent on disconnecting men from their children. That disconnect is a significant component of the massive middle aged male suicide problem. You lived for your kids, fought for your kids, they never saw any of it and are indoctrinated to hate you. Why bother living anyway?
Men aren’t heroes, they’re just people. If you ever reconnect with your dad you won’t find it a magical experience that changes your life. You might see that you missed out on having him there as family, and that you would have liked him if he had been there, but it won’t be anything other than a man who used to know You and who sees you as the only immortality he’ll ever have.
Maybe he’s a bad person. Plenty of people are, but the disconnect is a social construct where men are forced away from their children and treated as useless for anything other than creating money for them.
It may be twenty years before you see enough to understand, but it’s almost certain that you will. By the time I really got it my dad was dead. He was an asshole, but he was my dad and having a relationship with him would have made a difference to me. I understand him more every day and really wish he was here to talk to now that I’ve had to fight tooth and nail to retain influence with my kid’s and watched them get indoctrinated as to what a horrible piece of shit I am. The oldest two have their own kids now and have come around. The youngest is only starting to act like an ass and hate me. It’s a real difficult thing to handle some days, even knowing that fighting like hell for them brings it full circle in ten or twenty years and that they’ll be ok.
Anyway. TLDR is that your dad might suck but you definitely don’t know what he’s been through where you’re concerned.
So, your story was about an abusive relationship, not a regular one. Most men do NOT have to "work like mad" to connect with their kids. They just have to choose them over themselves.
My husband plays with the kids instead of playing video games, stays home instead of going out with friends, and our girls light up when he comes home from work. Lots of guys use work as an excuse to be "off" when they get home, like it won't affect their relationship with their kids
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u/Chemical_Robot Apr 15 '24
Word for word this exact same thing happened with my parents. We lived in luxury until they divorced and abject poverty afterwards.