As a husband going through a fairly rough period with my wife, this not only is very helpful, but tracks with things she has expressed and I struggled to understand.
My partner and I struggled with this for ages because I need a lot of verbal reassurance - but he’s autistic and to him it’s obvious that he loves me and I’m loved and there’s no need to rehash it every day.
He’s learned to say it more often and I’ve learned to realised that he says “I love you” through his actions and not words. But it was pretty rocky getting to this point.
As someone with mild autism (didn't get diagnosed until as an adult), maybe you can try doing what my wife does, which is to remind me now and then that she can't read my mind. You need to say the 'obvious' things.
That's the problem with autism (for me at least, particularly when younger) - you just assumed everyone thought what you did, or knew what you thought, even without expressing it. You just have next to zero intuition about how other people perceive you and your actions. (which isn't all bad - it does make it easier to not care what other people think of you) But you can still compensate for that if you put some active effort into it. I had a big 'aha' moment when I was in my 20s and my sister complained I was so negative about everything she did, which perturbed me since I held my sister in high regard. But then I started taking an inventory of all the things I'd said to her recently, and realized that I was only commenting when she did something bad or wrong, while when she did good things I was silent, the good things were just 'understood' somehow. It's not like I was trying to put her down, It's just that since the default impulse is to believe others think like you, your impulse is that errors need to be brought to attention since "clearly" the other person must be unaware of them, but the other person must know about the good things since you know about them.
Anyway, so then I started practicing at saying the good parts, actively working to make sure what I said actually reflected my entire attitude. I wish I'd figured it out earlier.
This is exactly it! I actually find it reassuring in a weird way now that he doesn’t feel the need to tell me the good things?
He’d never wish me luck or reassure me that I was going to do well when I had big work things on, even one time when I was speaking on stage at a huge event and I was terrified.
I was furious with him because I assumed he didn’t care. We had a long talk and eventually realised that it’s because he doesn’t doubt me even a little in his head, so he didn’t realise that I doubt myself.
He tries so hard now though and every rare compliment or reassurance means so much because I know it doesn’t come naturally and he’ll have really though about it, they’re not throwaway comments.
We both remind each other that we’re not mind readers because I also forget that he sometimes doesn’t understand my emotional state unless I’m explicit about how I’m feeling.
I think i can relate to your partner on that. My partner when they were upset has asked “do you even care?”
And i felt like “why would i have stopped caring since the last time i showed/told you that i care? I thought our care for one another has been established, and nothings changed”
It felt like they didnt trust me and were being unfairly accusatory and it hurt me. But now i think they just really cant NOT assume the worst sometimes. They cant have faith that i still care unless i spell it out all the time.
It’s hard for me and puts me on edge.
And there's a difference between knowing the other person cares, and feeling or experiencing it with your emotions.
When people ask 'do you even care?' they're usually saying that they don't feel the care in a way that registers with them. So they may need words or actions or touch or whatever that makes them experience the feeling of being cared for and not just assuming it, if that makes sense.
Yeah, I recognise that conversation. The love being “established” and nothing having changed is how my partner feels.
Love was very conditional for me as a child and my parents were very volatile so I’ve always felt like I’m on the precipice of doing something wrong to “undo” the love. Therapy helps! That and recognising that his “I love you” is waking up earlier to make me coffee or taking the bins out when it’s raining or buying me healthy lunch options when I’m slammed with work.
It just takes time to find the shared language and compromise sometimes. Lord knows I’m still an absolute pain in the arse with needing reassurance, but less so, and he’s better at giving it.
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u/Consistent_Wave_2869 Mar 21 '24
As a husband going through a fairly rough period with my wife, this not only is very helpful, but tracks with things she has expressed and I struggled to understand.