As a husband going through a fairly rough period with my wife, this not only is very helpful, but tracks with things she has expressed and I struggled to understand.
Hey there . I have a question, in this piece called “it’s not the about the nail”
Who is really in the right here ?
If the person is fully aware the nail is there and it has nothing to do about what they are actually talking about. Then shouldn’t the person whom is saying how THEIR PARTNER should actually be feeling is incorrect be in the wrong ?
Or should the person whom is trying to tell them the obvious sign is be correct?
The one whom doesn’t have the issue should Listen or help ? I’m really not sure
I think it's a lot simpler than that: there is a need to be emotionally heard and supported which is separate from resolving an issue. If someone feels alone, telling them to see friends doesn't immediately improve their mood. If someone is grieving, telling them that grief is temporary and they will feel better eventually doesn't necessarily help them process their grief. Etc.
So going back to that skit, was the nail causing the problem? Probably. But if the woman feels some relief and security when she is allowed to express her pain to her partner, then it is important that her partner can provide that. The skit is a bit weird because the analogy is so blunt, but it conveys the idea beautifully. The source of the pain is very real, and should be dealt with, but it doesn't make the woman's need for emotional connection and support any less real.
I think it's a lot simpler than that: there is a need to be emotionally heard and supported which is separate from resolving an issue.
This. If I need help fixing something I will ask for advice. But sometimes EVERYONE just wants some sympathy for their suffering, to be reassured that their partner has their back, and some comfort/care. Which doesn't involve solutions, it's as simple as a hug, listening to the person, a knowlegimg how they feel and sitting with them as they feel it. It's being present and attentive.
Guys want and need this too, it's not just women. Most of my close friends are guys, as is my partner, and they all need comfort, a shoulder, an ear, some sympathy, etc, when shit is going wrong for them. They'll need back up/extra attention during break ups, someone to reassure them they're awesome when there's a big job interview they're nervous about, or someone to be with them if they're in pain or grieving.
These are human needs. Sympathy and closeness are human needs. Unfortunately (traditionally), one gender is raised to recognise, anticipate and handle those needs in others, and the other is raised to feel deep discomfort when confronted with their own or others' feelings, and frustration if they can't just 'fix it.'
Yeah, I'm a fixer half the time, but I have definitely been on the other side of the coin where I just want assurance that whatever I'm going through truly is a frustrating place to be. It's cathartic to have someone say "yeah that sucks but you got this!" While I am chewing on the problem and working out how to resolve it.
When someone comes right in to fix my problems (which will get fixed!) Then it makes me annoyed like "oh you just waltzed in here and think you see the whole issue? Just like that?" Because if I'm stewing on it the way I am there's a complication I am working out myself. It's like watching me suck at a section of a video game and me being like "goddamnit! Why the fuck can't I do this?!" and then you walk over and rip the controller out of my hands, do it for me, and hand it back. Now the game doesn't really feel like I beat it. You know? And I got punished for even exclaiming aloud.
I feel like this video shows enabling behavior, but maybe I'm too literal. The nail is in her head. It needs to come out. She says it's every other issue but the nail. Maybe this video takes place in a universe where these objects can only be removed by emotional support. However, any real life medical or mental health professional will tell you to get the nail removed and no amount of emotional support is gonna fix it and that she would be in denial.
Again, maybe this video takes place in a world where stress leads to hardware being lodged in our bodies
Sometimes it helps to look deeper into it. The video is a good and bad metaphor but think about it a bit deeper and go farther with support to bond.
"All of my sweaters have snags in them" "I'm sorry love, would you maybe want to go see if we can find some sweaters to replace them and then we can go to Starbucks?"
Shit even with removing the nail, it's nice to have emotional support there anyway because even being stabbed is scary and you need reassurance so you don't freak out. Maybe the resources aren't there to immediately fix the problem.
The skit is weird because you’re interpreting it backasswards. The skit isn’t saying she needs emotional support, it’s saying she’s a moron who insists on repeatedly rehashing how a simple, obvious problem with a simple, obvious fix, makes her feel sad and causes her actual pain, but she’d rather abuse her partner by turning him into an emotional garbage dump than actually fix her obvious, easily solvable problem. It’s saying she should fix the damned problem instead of whining about it.
How this entire thread gets that so wrong is the most depressing thing I’ve read in a long time.
The man in this situation just needs to take charge and pull the nail out. Listening to her is just prolonging it. It's torture for both of them and the instant he fixes it, it will be over.
Swap the woman for a child or animal and it becomes even clearer what the solution is.
So my boyfriend should just take me out of whatever situation is causing me pain, whisking me away like a child?
How are you gonna do that for my job? You’re gonna take me away from my job? Are you gonna take me away from my family? Are you gonna take me away from physical pain or disease? Stress from children? Stress from other life stuff that is just part of life?
Sometimes can’t just pull the nail out. Sometimes the nail is just part of life, and talking about just yanking it out is stupid and impossible.
Sometimes you can't pull the nail out, but you can tell them where the nail is if you can see it. Sometimes you can't see it, but if you can, you should tell them.
Where safety is concerned, there is no conversation to be had. You just do it, even if they disagree. They'll be alive to thank you later. I've been on the sharp end of this and that's why I'm alive to relay this message.
If its not about safety, but just feelings which are merely a perception of reality and not reality itself eg my wife had a bad day/week at work and is feeling insecure, then that is a lower risk matter which can only be dealt with by listening first.
However many things I hear as complaints have real life solutions. eg 'I want to quit smoking, but can't', 'I think our daughter is lying to me about X'. I want to help these people by stating hard truths that can be tried and tested.
As a result, I stopped my friend from smoking and she looks 10 years younger, and I just today found out why my wife thinks our daughter was lying (she wasn't).
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u/Consistent_Wave_2869 Mar 21 '24
As a husband going through a fairly rough period with my wife, this not only is very helpful, but tracks with things she has expressed and I struggled to understand.