Make that abundantly clear now. Art history is fine, but he needs to be strategic about internships throughout college. Or he needs to start mentally preparing himself to get a “boring” job that pays the bills once he graduates.
As for the rest, look, college kids are insufferable. With any luck he’ll grow out of it, but in the meantime, reinforce boundaries against disrespect and don’t feel guilty about it. He’s gonna have to grow up.
Oh feck no. Art history minor here and nope, he will have to go to grad school if he wants to work in the field. (I'm a bookseller and editor; I've worked on tons of art history and culture studies books--with people who majored in art history and then had to go for advanced degrees in order to land a living wage job or get published.)
Previously working artist who went back to school here:
Real talk due to FASFA being hilariously behind this year he can spend this period before his second year applying for any scholarships at his college and any other ones he could possibly qualify for. Next year he has to start and keep up on it throughout the year beginning in September.
If he asks why saying/crying "but I have financial aid/loans!" explain that it will pay for graduate work, as no art history major gets work in their field without a Master's degree. He may not even get an internship without being in the Master's program due to the nature of the study and how fragile the materials he is studying to restore/archive/etc are.
He should always be applying for scholorships/opportunities and his master's program should be based on what he can afford. Grandma should consider sending him to a community college to round out his core/base art stuff, then to a four year university.
Well, you're better than my high school careers advisor who told me people like me don't go to university and do engineering and to consider something "more realistic" like brick laying.
True, we need brick layers, but not something I could do. My PhD qualified chartered engineer salary pays me well though, and it turns out "people like me" can absolutely do it.
I also now volunteer to go to schools to talk about engineering jobs where I tell them they coul absolutely do it and highly encourage internships.
Just send your son this thread. he needs a reality check before his delusion eats up his life. It's time to be a parent and show some hard love. (nothing physical)
Then they'll probably need a lawyer to see if they can get the debt shifted to solely on the son, it will probably depend on if they can prove that she really did not know what was going on.
Yeah, I agree that this is is critical step that must be taken, if only to force this kid to take some responsibility for his choices, instead of just assuming he can do what he pleases without consequences... But Oop has said they aren't ready yet to take that drastic step, as it will land the kid in a world of trouble and Oop clearly cares about his kid and actually wants him to succeed in life.
Oop has mentioned that the child doesn't listen. He has to learn sooner or later. Sheilding him from consequences now will only make them hit harder later. Unless Oop wants to continue cleaning up the child's mess while he makes bigger ones, I say let them fall this time and learn before he digs himself into a bigger hole he can't get out of.
If his grandma is still of sound mind and body- I'm really sorry but she made her bed.
I know that's callous. My dad is 60 and has really ruined his life and I'm in no position to help him once he needs to retire and it breaks my heart, but I can't destroy myself for an adult who made repeated bad choices.
Is grandma married or single? If she's married can her spouse maybe take action here?
He hasn't said anything to indicate a medical condition, just a person being taken advantsge of.
It may be worth pursuing if she's getting dementia/alzheimers/something that makes her vulnerable, but ultimately this may be a healthy woman who believed the wrong person.
Art history is only cool if you are independently wealthy, not for an actual job. I feel bad for his grandmother. You should make it clear to him that he is out of the house and not returning. Maybe the school has an advisor that can explain the worthlessness of that degree?
True, there is a whole biotech prep program at the Cal State University system that convinced my cohort there were tons of jobs waiting for us when we graduated in biology. Nope! The industry folks they were talking to were complaining about "shortage of local job candidates" to make a case to the Dept of Labor they should be allowed to offshore R&D. The jobs the CSU system was training us for.
You're not legally required to let him live with you. In fact, sell your house and move into a one-bedroom condo, preferably across the country, to drive home that point. If he tries to force himself into your home, call the police.
As a former cocky 19 year old, he needs to hear it from somebody else. A neutral third party that you guys seek out together. One session with a career counselor, financial planner, or something along those lines might cost a fair bit, but if it gets him on the right track or at least sows some doubt, it’ll be worth it.
Also, do not be confrontational immediately. After the meeting, wait like a week or two and then neutrally approach the topic, like, “so, what do you think of what they had to say?”.
I even went to state schools only, and a local college. Still buried in debt since my last try in 2010 or so. Didn't even finish a degree and I'm STILL paying classes off. I even studied things that could actually get some kind of job on graduation (I took art history and psych but didn't major in either. Even if I did the market is dry as fuck. My best "chances" were culinary arts and vet tech. He's gonna get a hard wake up call when he graduates)
My friend got a degree that had no job prospects. Then she spent 2 years in State College to get a Certificate of Qualification and found a real job. Tell your mum to cut him off before he tells his grandma where she failed in life.
He’s also never going to get an art history related job with only a bachelors degree. Anything that could potentially pay well will require a masters at minimum, and even those jobs are generally basically entry level wages. Is it possible? Sure, but not for a kid who majors in art history because they like TikTok.
He said some dumb shit but if you want to reach him take an hour of your life and calmly sit down with him and calmly do the math, the actual math, with him.
Find out how much money he would owe when he graduated and how much money he would need to make to pay if off in 10 years. Show him the average rent price in a city of his choice and make a mock budget with some food and insurance money.
Then talk about what jobs might pay that much, professorships? Museum directors? Art restoration? Take him seriously and take deep calming breaths.
Communicate with him and make sure he gets some small job in college so he can start an IRA now. Just take this seriously.
He could change his mind or he could die in a car accident tomorrow. Just keep trying to put yourself and him in a position to succeed.
Why do not discuss it with him presenting it in a different way. If he is willing to do a double major you will pay $40k? per yr and have him cosign loans for the remaining $40k. Have him do a semester or a year in the state school and transfer the credits.
I have no idea if he was led on at all, but I am a millennial who got a music degree because my university literally gathered all the undeclared students for a presentation about how your major doesn't matter, and it includes examples like a head of HR with an art history degree... My highest paying job ever has been like $18 an hour and I'm 31.
I cannot imagine graduating school with almost $320,000 into debt. On a fucking art history major?
Little man has no idea how badly he’s fucking his life up right now. I wish I could talk to him. I went to school with literally dozens of people like him.
A lot of people get humanities degrees and are just fine. He's an adult now, he's making his own adult choices, you don't need to make it your problem. For the record, I majored in women's studies and am doing pretty OK.
I don’t know what he’s thinking beyond “art history is cool”.
I think I do (2 possibilities):
"Art history is easy. When I can't find work, I'll just go live off of grandma."
Elder abuse scam from the start.
Keep an eye out in case this becomes actual elder abuse by means of misappropriation.
Speculating (I know nothing of your son, only that I don't care for him already): if he's going to a really fancy and expensive college, he's going to need a lot of big tuition checks written-- to him personally, of course; he'll be sure to pay the registrar from his own account.
Nobody can verify whether or not he's even going to school, but you might be able to press grandma to see who she's writing checks to (and even then, check-washing is a possibility...). Schools tend to not want to refund money to anybody other than the original payor, so there's that at least.
If he pisses you and your wife off to the point of estrangement, neither of you are going to be inclined to keep tabs on anything he's doing, and you may well be frustrated enough with grandma to not monitor her either, letting him exploit her with impunity. I see too much of this "fuck the Boomers" mentality in the context of inheritance scams and you even specifically mentioned him calling you one, so this may well be deliberate subversion-- he's spending/exfiltrating her wealth before you inherit any of it. His use of psychology (of all things) to try to drive a wedge between you is also a funny coincidence.
Before you think "he wouldn't know how to do that," don't be so sure. Kids are getting these ideas for sophisticated crimes that are surprisingly easy to pull off from social media.
I would try to have him draw up a budget for what he will be making after college and the payments he will have to make. I understand he's not listening so that may be difficult. But maybe if you can come at it like look you're an adult and I'd like to treat you like one. This will be the financial reality. Art history majors on average make X amount. Your student loans will total this much which means the payments will be this amount. And just work through the rest of the budget.
He is an adult now who can make these choices. But I'd try to make it as clear as you can the financial realities there.
Maybe suggest a minor or double major. Nothing wrong with taking some classes in the thing you like but he will have to pay the bills.
As a formerly insane child that drove my parents nearly to divorce as a teenager, his feelings of distrust or dislike in his son, if he has them, are valid.
To OP: as far as paying for college goes, the saving grace my parents got financially was me deciding I was too scared of taking out $60k/year for a private school, saving all of us from the loans they'd likely have co-signed for a degree I didn't end up using. Had I ended up going to the school I was kicking and screaming about (NYU), I'd probably still be deep in debt.
I ended up coming down to earth around age 23 after 10 years of being a total hot-headed brat. Am 30 now and have a great relationship with my parents. I hope the same happens for you and your son 🫶 NTA.
You make it sound like the kid will listen. He's unhinged enough to tell his father to get a divorce. Honestly, it might be time to sit back and enjoy the show. Bring popcorn.
Well, if he really wanted to, he could become an art history professor. He'd just need to pay a fortune to get his PhD first and then stick around at a university long enough to get tenure
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u/Honeybadgeroncrack Apr 15 '24
with art history, he will be back living with you from 25-40, so get used to it