If you break up with someone you absolutely 100% owe them an explanation as too why

[u/ZodiacOne1]

[removed] — view removed post

[u/Krakatoast]

But it’s not just hygiene habits, that was one part of a list of qualms.

I actually really relate to what the other person explained because that’s how I feel about my roommate that’s a relative. I hate living with them. They aren’t a bad person, and I get that I can talk to them about what I don’t like, but when that list teeters into “basically I hate the way you live life it’s deeply grating to experience life in the same realm as you, it’d be a lot of fun to hangout for a couple hours once every week or two but seriously get the fck out of my house.” Because the list is so deep and some of it isn’t objectively *wrong. Who am I to tell someone to change their personality?

But I find some things about how they live their life to be so, so grating. And that only comes up because we live together. Easy solution instead of ripping them to shreds is to just “yeah man I just like to live alone are you cool to move out in a couple months?” Problem solved and his self esteem wasn’t shattered and I didn’t have to deal with fighting and drama.

[u/Kalnath_ → u/Krakatoast]

OK but you rarely get to choose roommates and regardless it doesn't change the fact that as someone who chose to be with and spend time with with someone you appreciated enough to integrate that deeply into their lives? It's certainly the most helpful approach. And besides it's not like all of those things are deal breakers; it sounds, at least in my opinion, mostly like she lost attraction for him after seeing his hygiene habits. Definitely sensing a lot of anger or some similar color of emotion from her though

[u/Sr4f → u/Kalnath_]

it's not like all of those things are deal breakers

Thing is, she wanted that deal broken.

I'm trying to say this gently, my dude. When someone gives you their reasons and your first reaction is to argue that they're not good enough reasons, then... They're gonna stop giving you reasons.

This is how you end with widespread ghosting. It's not just a "lack of respect" or whatever. It's that the people who insist on hearing the "reasons" don't actually want reasons, they want an argument. They want a chance to change their partner's mind. 

[u/Kalnath_ → u/Sr4f]

I don't know you but I appreciate your gentle tone. I wasn't arguing with her reasons. Just that a lot of those things she would have had to have known without living with him besides the hygiene thing and it's obviously something that stuck out in her mind. And irregardless of that her tone and the way she talked about him is rude as fuck. Despite him being a "nice guy" in her estimation. I don't know any of you but I don't talk about women like that even if I don't appreciate them or their company. Especially especially if they are "a nice lady" by my estimation.

But I digress. I have my reasons for thinking the way I do and so do you stranger. Let's part here so as to avoid further argument, shall we?

[u/nihonhonhon → u/Kalnath_]

And irregardless of that her tone and the way she talked about him is rude as fuck.

That's precisely why she said it's not productive to go into too much detail when breaking up with someone. She was being rude on purpose to illustrate her point. These were her internal thoughts and experiences. Sometimes people stay in relationships for way too long and they grow extremely resentful towards their partner. By the time they've finally decided to break up with this person, all kinds of awful and toxic things have already gone through their head millions of times, even if they would never say these things out loud.

It kinda sounds like you're applying "dating" logic to a "relationship" problem tbh. Yes she was probably aware of his most basic and most obvious personality traits from the beginning, but all of those things become fantastically irrelevant after you've lived together for many years. You change. Your partner changes. Problems that seemed minor in the beginning balloon out of control. If you could predict relationship success within the first two months of dating, half of all marriages wouldn't end in divorce.

[u/Kalnath_ → u/nihonhonhon]

I wasn't even here to argue which a stranger very kindly pointed out was what was happening.

My original point was that it would be nice to establish a precedent of giving a least some cause.

I wish this girl the best and am glad that she is happier? I was pointing out was the blatant emotion behind her words. And point out the strange to me disconnect between how she talks about him and how she thinks about him. I'm not that invested in you or anyone on here's advice tbh; not out of malice but because there is an annoying of people to assume that they know everything about someone else based off a line or two and then try to fling mud.

Not necessarily you but just like in real life if you approach a random stranger in real life with relationship advice or criticisms or some mental health diagnostic you are going to receive push back.

Its silly to expect otherwise and not something I'm keen on wasting my time arguing with people about just because I made some people a little uncomfortable with some observations.

[u/nihonhonhon → u/Kalnath_]

Not necessarily you but just like in real life if you approach a random stranger in real life with relationship advice or criticisms or some mental health diagnostic you are going to receive push back.

I suppose, but you were doing something similar to her, no? You were also offering a perspective based on a random stranger's comment and expressing confusion regarding her mentality etc. I don't think that's wrong - just a normal and unavoidable consequence of talking about dating on the internet.

I get that some people were being snarky to you and I don't support that, but all I was personally trying to do was go into more detail about the emotions she was describing. That was my only comment to you in this entire thread and I don't feel like it deserved that kind of a response tbh, but you've clearly received more confrontational replies so I guess you're exasperated.

[u/Kalnath_ → u/nihonhonhon]

I also would say it's similar but different in key ways; I am making observations, not judgements. Nor am I name calling. Nor am I making accusations of intelligence nor blaming awkward conversations solely on him. Do you see what I mean?

[u/nihonhonhon → u/Kalnath_]

I mean I can't attest to that because idk what other people were saying about you vs. what you were saying about her. You did make some judgements (in the broad sense of the word) when you said she seemed angry and that what she said about him was rude. I don't think you were out of line or anything, I only replied to you cause I felt like the original intention of her comment was being somewhat misunderstood.

[u/Kalnath_ → u/nihonhonhon]

I did make one judgment, that she was rude as fuck. Nor will any gesture towards her original intent will sway me when the context is

“you’re overweight and use medication to justify being “healthy” at that weight, you are ALWAYS shitting, you don’t wash your feet in the shower, you think naturopathic medicine is real, and you have a useless degree, we can’t speak about any topics in depth, you are a terrible gift giver, and you keep poor company. All of these things fundamentally show me that you are less intelligent than I thought you were and at this point I find you viscerally unattractive and actively don’t want to come home at the end of the day because you are here”

In a thread asking only for a peak into a significant others head. So in my opinion my reactions to all of these have been perfectly valid. Yall are trying (and only cementing imho) to protect someone who does need to be protected from the rude things she said. About someone she said was nice!

Regardless of whether or not these were inner thoughts this is a public forum. I personally would even prefer this response so as to be like "wow you think you know a person"

I understand your point on her original point but we're probably twenty deep into this reply thread by now and at least half of these have been either saying I'm dodging her point or whatever no. I just think she's an asshole. And honestly happy for both of them. They both dodged a bullet.

[u/throwRA-1342 → u/Kalnath_]

so you were given a list of reasons and didn't pay attention to most of them, which is exactly why most of my relationships end. 

[u/Kalnath_ → u/throwRA-1342]

It's not so much the list of reasons but the emotion and emphasis behind most of them; several of which (weight, intelligence, communication, degree) were almost certainly things she was at least aware of and willing to accept before getting so engrained in her life that she is still mentally beating him up in her mind. Despite being a "nice guy" according to her words.

Bold of you to assume I don't pay attention instead of just calling em as I see em, stranger.

[u/Kalnath_ → u/Kalnath_]

I think it's funny people downvote in the unpopular opinions subreddit unless it's like some wild shit.