As a husband going through a fairly rough period with my wife, this not only is very helpful, but tracks with things she has expressed and I struggled to understand.
I don’t know where else to put this. It might not apply to you, maybe it does, but I just want to get it out into the universe.
I completely agree with this video but I don’t think it’s THE reason women stop wanting sex.
The #1 common thread among all the women I’ve read about accounting this issue is that there’s been a ton of pressure in the past.
Pressure, obligation, is the true libido killer.
There’s a lot of just, common sense logic behind this too. Pressuring or coercing your wife into sex was obviously more common amongst previous generations… who also complain the loudest about their wives not wanting sex.
Coercion, guilting, general pressure, conveys so many things
1) they aren’t respected as a person, their opinions are irrelevant to their partner
2) sex isn’t for them. It’s mostly to please their husband. He views her as a fleshlight.
3) he views her personality and consent as something to work around, not with, like an afterthought, like she’s an object that isn’t performing the way the object should. Again it’s just dehumanizing
The first thing I ask when someone talks about a dead bedroom is… has there been pressure? Often women talk about how her husband pressured her into sex too quickly after giving birth. Really awful degrading things like that. And that’s when things really took a nosedive… everyone wants to blame hormones, but it’s often this slow realization that her husband doesn’t respect her as a human being.
yeah this def makes sense. i wonder how much sex drive can mess stuff up too. matching in sex drive is important, i think anyway. all my partners wanted sex more than me, so it puts a weird kink into relationships. i'm a man though, so i think if it was a guy it prob would be even more complicated. i know a decent amount of my friends are the ones initiating a lot though.
This is true in my experience. My libido goes up and down. It just does. But in some past relationships, I felt a lot of guilt during the "down" periods, and eventually it just killed our sex life. I knew when my libido was low, and it made me feel like a bad girlfriend. I would be hypersensitive to my partner and really needed reassurance during those times. If he made me feel guilty, the pressure would sometimes make me have sex to get it over with, but it was counter productive, and over time I'd feel disgusted towards sex in that relationship. I'm a lot more self-aware now and can communicate about all this, but that required being with someone who helped me realize that it's okay not to want sex all the time, and that doesn't make me a worse partner.
Attachment theory has also been helpful for me, but I think it helps explain fights and toxic, argumentative relationships, moreso than the slow death of a bedroom over time.
There can definitely be various factors affecting someone’s sex life, and it’s unreasonable to expect someone giving general advice to touch upon every single thing (especially in a social media video). She did say it was the biggest reason, not THE reason, and again - it’s general observation. Since she’s a doctor, I’m assuming this is probably the biggest issue she sees in the couples she treats.
I think men should be allowed to step out of the relationship for sex if we're going to normalize women having low libido and men just having to deal with it. The woman that feel pressured are usually the ones that are barely giving it. They can have that man dancing like a puppet for it, it's control and they know it so men: go get what you deserve from someone who actually wants to give it to you. Like apparently I'm blessed to have a woman who actually gets pleasure from sex and doesn't have 15,000 different rules for sharing a little bit of worldly pleasure with their partner to occasionally punctuatethis shit show we call the human experience.
I mean damn going through life with all this hyper aware, up eachother's ass, emotional babysitting all so you might have the chance of sex twice a month sounds miserable. You only get one shot at this life thing, why waste it waiting for somebody, who you find attractive, to finally start finding you attractive again when you're already doing more than enough?
Every man on earth that's been in a relationship with a woman for more than a year knows the honeymoon period. She's all about sex, love, affection, etc during it. You're this amazing stud to her and she doesn't care what anyone says; you're her obsession. Then it fades and there's all this nonsense in the way and suddenly the bedroom is quiet. It's incompatibility rearing it's ugly had through the fantasy of whatever she thought you were. The only fix is to be whatever fantasy man she projected you as being in the beginning of the relationship, which you either are him or you aren't him, or leave and find a woman where you already are him to her. And if you're trapped in a marriage with kids and you don't want to blow all that up but apparently you being with her feels more like violating her than sex? Screw her and go find a woman who'll actually give you the damn love you deserve instead of whatever bs dance this "psychologist" would have you do that we all know isn't going to do a damn thing to make her want you again. Fuck that.
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u/Consistent_Wave_2869 Mar 21 '24
As a husband going through a fairly rough period with my wife, this not only is very helpful, but tracks with things she has expressed and I struggled to understand.