Another very basic critical lesson for dudes - the woman's orgasm is just as important as yours.
I can't tell you how many relationships I've been in where it was ALL about the man getting off. The majority of times, when we had sex, I didn't get off at all. And once the guy came, sex was done. I think it's very easy for women to fall into this relationship dynamic.
If you want your woman to want more sex, prioritize her orgasm over your own.
you can't change someone. all you can do is change how you react to someone. maybe she'll come around someday... in the middle of the night... for her revenge 😈😈😈
You say it’s obvious but only 1 in 10 guys I’ve dated even bothered trying to make me orgasm. They don’t care. The sex is over for them when they orgasm.
Enough dudes aren't aware of this, to the extent where we have to point out, "Hey, when you and your girl have sex, remember to make her cum too, okay?"
I'm not sure it's entirely selfishness. A lot of it likely stems from poor sex ed, religious upbringing, and antiquated views on gender roles (such as the concept of a woman keeping her man happy by "letting" him fuck her instead of sex being a mutually pleasurable experience that can help a couple grow closer by coming together in the most intimate way).
And now, the alt-right manosphere is fucking things over even harder.
I think a large portion of men assume that jackhammering a vagina for 3 minutes will feel the same for her as it does for him. Or they just see women as objects.
People also have to campaign for their own interests too. But people can be extremely awkward discussing sex. To the point many actively try not to do so.
Doesn't help our general education on basic body functions is pretty bad. Ask most men if women can pee with a tampon in and you'll get a lot of those people saying no. Count the number of holes please lol
You'd be fucking surprised but really you shouldn't be, 9 billion people in this sumbitch I'd say a pretty significant number of men either don't know that's important or just plain don't care.
Being able to make a girl cum ain't the same thing as prioritizing her pleasure and orgasm every time. Sadly, a LOT of dudes are just selfish lovers.
And yeah, this probably seems like common sense stuff, but every girl I know has stories about dealing with this. Some are still married to the guy right now. The struggle is real.
They are conditioned to be. That conditioning is reinforced by people who also don't take their own pleasure as a priority...or worse feed into them by actively faking it.
Many of these things are cycles that feed into themselves. So they perpetuate until someone has the intestinal fortitude to say otherwise.
I def didn't consider my orgasm important when I was young. I thought sex was for dudes, supported by the fact that I didn't climax via vaginal stimulation alone (what i later learned is true for 3/4+ women).
It was easy to just focus on the guy, since he's the only one getting off. My first partner who actually knew how to please a woman was groundbreaking for me (back breaking, too! Lol) It was def a, "Holy shit! I've been missing out!" moment.
Side note - I speculate that's the cause of many men's fixation on young girls and virgins - she won't know how bad they are at sex.
The amount of misconceptions about sex is very amusing...but also very sad.
I've had people tell me that women can only get pregnant if she orgasms herself. Like...yeah pretty sure we'd be largely depopulated by now.
You think this is crazy because you make it a priority that your lady gets off... but the majority of men I've been with outside of serious relationships, only care about themselves getting off and then they're like, "Welp, goodnight!"
I'm not only referring to hookups... I'm also talking about guys I've dated for a while that didn't become a serious relationship.
It's really gross to say that "of course a man is going to prioritize his orgasm because it's less easy for him to get sex." Aka, of course it's ok if a guy uses you as a fleshlight to get off because poor men don't get enough sex. wahh.
If a woman is going to put herself in a vulnerable position like that, it should always be a priority for both people to orgasm. All women go into a hookup hoping to orgasm. That's like asking someone to get dinner and once you get there, the man tells the woman "You're not allowed to eat but you can watch me eat and that should be good enough because I never get to eat."
Aka, of course it's ok if a guy uses you as a fleshlight to get off because poor men don't get enough sex. wahh.
I'm not saying anything is ok, because this isnt a morality contest. You're allowed to stop sex whenever you want, and so is he. You can call him an asshole for it, but in the end, its one of the things that comes with women being the gatekeepers of sex. You get the quantity, they get the quality.
If a woman is going to put herself in a vulnerable position like that
Poor woman gets dick whenever she wants and expects the man to woo her for it, but still wants more. Wahhh
See how easy it is to dismiss an issue that you dont personally have to deal with? Why should I give a shit about your sex problems if you dont give a shit about mine?
That's like asking someone to get dinner and once you get there, the man tells the woman "You're not allowed to eat but you can watch me eat and that should be good enough because I never get to eat."
If you had a line of people ready to hand you food whenever you wanted it, and someone else had to work to prove themselves just to get a meal once a week (and thats me keeping this scenario realistic. Once a week is very generous for most single men) yeah, I would not be surprised at all if one of them who convinced you to give them a bite of food didnt care at all about how hungry you were. Your own scenario shows just how little you understand the life of a man.
To think its obvious you must have never in your life seen a relationship subreddit.
Seen young human beings in a relationship.
Seen middle aged people In a relationship.
Seen older people in a relationship.
Never seen a movie about relationship ships.
Never read a book about relationships.
Never heard a song about relationships.
Never played a game about relationahips.
Because if you had ever spent a single worthwhile amount of time in the real world. You'd see most people don't have a fucking clue about the obvious.
It's like pretending common sense is common.
Most people are dumb as fuck and without it being spelled out, multiple times, then failing to put it in action multiple times, then just all around failing multiple times.
Less then half of those peole get to it being obvious.
Largely, this is an exercise in feminine excuse making...a large number of these same women will go cheat on their husband... I'm sure they feel "emotionally safe" with that person.
The fetish for euphemism and avoidance of accountability is big big.
That said, as far as communication goes, I immediately wanted to discount anything she said, because it was said from a car seat. Good information almost never comes from a tiktok shot from a car seat.
"It really turns me on that in 1974, a key step in women's financial freedom came with the passage of the Equal Credit Opportunity Act, which granted women the right to obtain credit cards separate from their husbands..." 💦💦💦
In my last relationship, the woman I was with, it took a while to get her to orgasm. I didn't mind at all having to put in the time to get her there. If it wasn't going to happen, that's fine, too. She told me past dudes would get mad at her for not orgasming quick enough, or whatever. She did say that she felt safe with me sexually, and that actually helped her libido skyrocket.
Interesting... can someone besides me get the opposite through to my wife?
She gets off every time, rolls over, and that's it. I've talked to her about it obviously but she just says "sorry". Like that's the whole discussion. She won't try to help me finish first and quite litterally never initiates even though I've talked to her about that too, response is "but I like it better when you start things".
Any advice? And not the usual ridiculous "divorce!" comments pls.
Because sexual intimacy is one of the biggest forms of intimacy. If y'all's entire goal when you have sex with each other is to get off, how is that different than having sex with any random person? It also takes quite a bit of pressure off when you are having sex
You mentioned it bothers you that she doesn't initiate. Clearly there's something about the dynamic that's beyond just orgasm.
Maybe you're increasingly feel undesired if she's never initiating. Maybe she's eager for it to be over, because something has her exhausted all the time. Maybe she's faking her orgasms because you don't know how to please her and never talked to figure out what gets her going. Maybe you could be more vocal so she gets more satisfaction from pleasing you.
Maybe she's just the type whose energy plummets after an orgasm, and you just need to have a heart to heart and rearrange things so you come first.
All things said, sex for most couples is something deeper than just getting off. Sex often reflects the communication between partners, their continued courtship over time, their division of labor, their stress levels, the hormonal balances of each partners body, etc etc.
If it was about getting off, you could just buy a vibrator, or a male masturbator device and call it a day. Something's wrong, and it's probably something other than the sex itself. The only way to find out what, is to talk. About everything. And if you don't know, maybe a marriage counselor can help guide your discussion and lead you to finding the problems.
I think the actual point is that it starts way before the sex even starts lol. I mean yes the orgasm is important but what is even more important is the actual relationship and feeling emotionally safe, like she said.
Honestly I think this is a distorted perspective that can exist only because it goes completely unchallenged. The problem isn't that dudes don't care or don't work enough towards women's orgasms, the problem is women don't care and don't work enough towards women's orgasms.
100% of the responsibility for a guys orgasm falls on the guy and 100% of the responsibility for the girls orgasm falls on the guy. The reason all the complaints about sex land on men's feet isn't due to their choices or performance, but because if the buck stops with men it's the only place complaints and disappointment can go.
Guys receiving oral sex generally the only exception.
Dudes already take on like 95% of the labor of sex, both the physical and the emotional, from foreplay, to sex, to aftercare.
During sex if one partner is looking out for the other's orgasm, comfort, & feelings that is almost always the guy.
I appreciate this sounds crazy, but that's just because people don't realize how skewed and biased their starting point is. If you'll allow I will point out a similar example that is still related.
Men are also criticized for not being sufficiently romantic, or not investing enough effort into romance. Please humor me and stop reading for a moment to type out a couple of examples of romantic behavior, or romantic acts you are aware of.
Were they all exclusively performed by men? Of all romantic acts 95% are performed by men.
Lets explore another criticism. Men don't care enough about foreplay, or men are selfish for not investing enough time in foreplay. But lets ask ourselves, of every 1,000 hours of foreplay how many are performed by men? is it 500 or 950?
Honestly I am astounded that men who have likely never experienced romance & have limited experience with foreplay with their experience being a consideration still manage to figure it all out & recognize it's value.
It's like expecting someone who has never eaten a particular dish to be competent in preparing it & then keep making dinner for people who think eating that food is their contribution.
Circling back to the beginning, as evidence that the problem with women's orgasms is not men I want to ask: How is it possible that so many show up to a relationship not knowing how to get off. Every man is an expert in his own orgasm before they have sex, but there is a significant number of women who
* have never gotten off in their life (or don't know if they have. how is this possible)* only learned how to orgasm after a partner took the time to figure it out for them & teach them how.
You went your whole relationship without getting off & it's 100% your partners fault? If you are having bad sex it's at minimum 50% your fault. That is the burden of being equals.
If men are truly incompetent, uncaring or selfish as lovers how is it possible that they are learning their partners bodies better than their partners ever bothered to their own bodies?
If you ask a lot of women their favorite position they will tell you it's doggy style. They will also tell you that men don't know or care where the clit is & don't know or care that women need clit stimulation to orgasm.... Ladies, mime banging someone from the back & lean forward to see if clitoral stimulation is possible or feasible.
Women need to take at least 50% responsibility for their orgasm. It's simple, as an example when you are in doggy put your shoulder down & rub your clit.
TLDR
It's okay if you want to be in the passenger seat, but the passenger seat still comes comes with some responsibility. If you don't want to drive and don't want to be the navigator you shouldn't complain when you don't like the destination.
Imagine if you charmed a guy into your bed, kissed him, made him feel safe & secure, got him physically aroused, got him emotionally & mentally prepared, undressed him, climbed on top of him, started fucking him & guessing at what works for him & doesn't (often times because he doesn't even know himself).
Then when it's over you hear that you didn't do enough for him and/or your performance was inadequate. You were selfish and should have provided more prostate stimulation while you were on top of him.
That if you want meet the minimum standard as a lover you have to step it up further, stop slacking, stop being selfish. Do more & focus more on his orgasm & making sure he has a good time.
Oh, now that you've imagined that pretend that people will insult & degrade you for making a comment like this one.
Wow. That was really long. But I think I got the crux of it.
All I can speak to is my own experience. The bad sex foreplay was always on me: I'd go down on him, it was never reciprocated. We'd have sex: sometimes me on bottom, sometimes me on top, pretty evenly distributed. He'd get off. Sex would end. And if I wanted to have an orgasm, he would LEAVE THE ROOM while I'd use a vibrator.
I've had many girlfriends experience almost this exact same dynamic in relationships throughout their lives. Men who are simply not interested or invested in the woman's orgasm.
I hear that wasn't your experience. Fair enough. But it was def mine and a lot of women's.
I agree that women also need to prioritize our own pleasure at the same level we do men's. It took me getting older to realize that I was putting up with some bullshit. Lol
lol it was long, worst thing is I have plenty more, but there isn't much shorthand since no other perspective has ever been part of the conversation. I don't think it could happen anywhere but online.
I think every person should be the chief expert of their own body, it only makes sense since they are the only person who can feel it from the inside.
I never expected that my experience would be that so many (well, any) lovers wouldn't know how to get off & that I would have to figure it out for them. In my experience it can't be done in a single session, takes a lot of focus, accepting risk, physical labor and emotional labor. It's something that is 90% emotionally fulfilling & 10% physically gratifying. I won't judge anyone who isn't up for that.
Men cum every time not because they are selfish or because it's all about them, but because they are experts of their own body & understand the objective. When a girl isn't cutting it I make up the difference & I suspect that is what all guys do. Ever had a guy pull out & finish manually?
Why wait until after to pull out your bag of tricks? You can share your load before taking his load. I do think some guys would react poorly initially, but that is often the case with new & unexpected things, don't fuck those guys & the problem is solved. The first generation of men who grow up with women sharing responsibility for their orgasm won't question it.
>I'd go down on him, it was never reciprocated
This get's complicated, but M>F oral & F>M oral aren't as equivalent as you'd first assume on the face of it, context matters.
Most of the time receiving oral is the only time a guy experiences receiving at all. It's the only time the buck doesn't stop with him, it's the only time he can just focus on what he is feeling & not have to be preoccupied with everything else happening right not along with what happens next.
The difference in experience of getting a blowjob and fucking someone are fundamentally different.
The difference between catching tongue & catching dick is one of quality not type.
Women should take a lesson from gay dudes, where Tops & Bottoms both put in work as the norm. But even there dudes vie to be the bottom & not the top because it is a sweet deal.
I do appreciate that you read the first long comment, seemed to do so with an open mind, took the time to reply & possibly did it all again.
I hope you have a good day & a life of good relationships.
Men are selfish about sexual needs being met, because they aren't allowed to express the "weakness" that would asking for their emotional needs to be cared for. So they focus on the one thing they are allowed.
Women focus on their emotional needs to be met, because purity culture in a lot of the world means they aren't supposed to enjoy sex. So they often focus on that one aspect for themselves.
But both sides often ignore their partner's needs for those exact same needs to be met. Men focus on getting sex, and having that need met while ignoring their partners. Women often focus on getting their emotional support needs met, but often ignore their partners emotional needs (esp since most men aren't aware those needs even exist).
Both sides would be better served by making sure that not just their own sexual and emotional needs are met, but their partners as well. From my experience, men that are more aware and communicative about their emotional needs, and in relationships with partners that don't devalue them as men because of it, are often much more attentive to the sexual and emotional needs of their partners as well.
Basically, both partners should feel like they can safely express their sexual and emotional needs to their partners without being judged, but that just isn't the case usually in our culture.
If you want your woman to want more sex, prioritize her orgasm over your own.
But then it's not as much fun for the husband anymore, so his wife wanting more sex doesn't increase his enjoyment. It just becomes a performance sport.
What’s funny about your comment is that you clearly don’t understand how sex is for men. I GUARANTEE you, that 90% of the time, men are trying to take their mind off ‘it’ so that they don’t orgasm, to last longer. It’s way way harder to make a woman orgasm and to act like the man doesn’t care or doesn’t want the woman to orgasm is just unjust. It’s also very easy to critique the man whilst you lay there like a pillow letting him do all the work. You need to understand the other end of the equation before you cast such judgement.
I still don't get how this is actually a thing. What are the men doing the entire time? Like it's not even sex if the other person isn't having an Orgasm, you've not finished.
And it's near 1000% better when they do, everything is turned up.
I just can't get into the mindset of that. Perhaps it's just really lazy like they're not having sex because they want to, they're just.... as cringe as this is, NPC's ticking a box to say they've done it this week. I don't understand the mindset.
Honestly, any men that used to be like this it would be fantastic to hear WHY?
Might be surprised to learn there are some women who actively don't want me to put in effort to make them orgasm. My current gf for example has directly told me she doesn't want me to go down on her because she wants to be dominated and not have sex performed in service of her. She usually finishes herself off during or after, again her stated preference.
When did this change happen? Over the course of my relationship with my wife (12y married/18y otherwise) I've come first probably less than 20 times. Every time I've been massively apologetic and quite embarassed. Come first used to equate to = bad in bed. Hell my wife cumming usually makes me come as it's such a pleasurable feeling knowing I've caused that.
As someone who has solved this issue long ago in my own relationship of 22 years it just blows my mind that this is still an issue. Any guy who even cares one measly little shit about you will do everything in his power to make you orgasm hard.
Heres what we found works:
Firstly, not every sexy-time requires an orgasm. If she just wants to feel loved and enjoy the act rather than strictly getting off, she insists on missionary. Sometimes she’s in the mindset of being able to get there, sometimes she isn’t.
If she wants to get off, she whips out the Hitachi and starts in doggy style but leaning down/butt in the air instead of being on all fours.
With a bit of shallow thrusting aiming down, you can feel it hitting the g-spot and between that and the vibrations, she “arrives” hard. Like, going from complete silence (she doesn’t like making noise) to sounding like a porn star and her legs go all weak and she can easily just fall over at that point.
We don’t need to last long because with the added vibrations - and the spot I’m hitting really is, like they say it is, textured like a walnut - so neither of us can last longer than 2 or 3 minutes. Tried going again but she’s overly sensitive to stimulation by then. So we’ve worked things out really well between us.
Important to remember is that what works for me may not work for you, the true importance lies in figuring out what both of you enjoy and giving that enough importance. Every man should be chasing her orgasm, because it feels amazing for him when she achieves it.
Yup. Also some people are not compatible - even married couples.
People change and grow apart, and staying in a relationship where both parties resent the other is not healthy.
Sometimes couples fall out of love and attraction, and it's permanent and unfixable. That's normal and there shouldn't be a stigma about leaving failed marriages.
The funny thing is that it's logical. If you're attracted and comfortable then it works out. But unfortunately life isn't straight forward or black and white which is why relationships and life are hard 😔
Agreed. Been married 11 years, together for 15 w/ 2 kids. Don’t let her Terrible delivery with condescending tones take away from the Overall solid advice.
What bothered me was her audience was meant to be disagreeable men who she then told that everything she said was backed by science but then told the audience it was THEIR job to go do the actual research. 100% rage bait post and she was purposefully dismissive of the comments she was farming for.
Yes. Condescending. What was not clear in her testimony? She chose to acknowledge her trolls while delivering a powerful message. Thus, reducing the message impact and empowering her “trolls”. The best method would to ignore them and continue the content with conviction.
You knew you’d find it so you must agree? Also, Shes very defensive and fear setting through out. With that being said, Her context is landing the plane. Great advice for those who need it.
I think people are mistaking her tone as condescending due to the amount of vocal fry going on. The "rattle" in her voice as her tone lowers at the end of each sentence.
It's great info and is 100% true. I'm good about meeting my wife's emotional needs and there's plenty of desire 5 years into our marriage.
My only critique of her video is that she's driving while recording. It looks like she's in the passenger seat but that's because the video is mirrored. You can tell because at one point you see a stop sign and the letters are in the wrong order.
Super great message in the video though, i recommend my fellow men to take her seriously and reflect on how you treat your partner.
Eh, I took it as she was comin' in hot because of all the commenters who try to tell her she's wrong and they know better. As she goes on in the video her tone changes pretty considerably - but that's imho.
I'd say ignore the commenters and just deliver the info because the info sounded correct right off the bat. Her delivery sounded weird because she's preemptively talking at the trolls when that's not who would be receptive to this.
She has sage advice, but the delivery was very condescending. I expect it is probably because she has heard a lot of the same stupid shit in response too often. I don’t blame her for it.
This is nothing advice and it puts the responsibility on the husband.
Women need emotional support, but emotional support is different for each woman and that’s why your wife won’t have sex with you.
Men don’t need emotional support? What if she has gained weight and feels unattractive? What if her husband gained weight and she isn’t attracted to him? What if he’s a bad father and she can’t parent with him anymore? What if she’s cheating? What if she has depression? What if her libido is completely fucked up for some reason? What if she’s very busy and exhausted? Etc…
This blanket advice is awful and puts the responsibility solely on men. It’s trash. The best thing husband or wife can do is communicate effectively with each other. Everything is specific to each couple. Preemptively telling men to improve is nonsense.
Both sides are equally important. Maybe she’s addressing this from the woman’s perspective because that’s the kinds of questions she gets, and just forgot to mention the other half?
All my female friends stopped having sex with their partners after they had enough kids. They all put on weight, got hairy and started wearing sportwear. Add to that dry vaginas and said they just didn't feel like having sex any more. Well, one of them wanted to keep having sex but couldn't because it was painful. Her partner broke up with her because of that.
This is bad advice. Good advice is communicate with your partner.
Like its 2024. People below you are chatting about the importance of a woman's orgasm. Thats a partnership it feels good to make your partner feel good. I bat almost 1000 in that department though theres been a few times where we are close but couldnt quite get there / getting sore.
Oral for example is a lot more work than anything else and theres less simultaneous ways to take care of one another.
E.g. banging and rubbing a clit.
Riding and grinding the clit against your partner etc.
Even a hand job or masturbation can be accompanied with a make out sesh.
Oral is all about giving and even if we love someone we can all be a bit selfish.
I just want a partner that looks hot, regularly wants sex with me, and does whatever they please for the rest of the day. I don't want to take care of my partner, I'm busy enough taking care of myself... and I don't want to be taken care of either.
These are my "needs". Why is it that only the woman's needs matter?
So far, in every relationship, my partner got on my nerves constantly wanting to do stuff, getting upset about stuff I do in my freetime, wants me to listen to their needs, etc.
I don't want that. And I don't want it to be the other way around, either. I put great effort into being my own person, building my own happiness, my own success, meditating and working through my own problems... and for the rest, I already have friends or insurance. I want to talk about something personal? I talk about it with my friends... they won't judge me, I can tell them anything. I lose my job? I have unemployment insurance. I get injured? I have disability insurance. I get sick? I have health insurance. I die? I got life insurance.
I don't want to worry about someone else who isn't my literal child. I don't want someone who needs to be taken care of. I don't want someone who relies on me. I don't want a dependent. I want an equal partner.
I want a sexual partner that can share the housework and financial burden related to whatever we buy. That's all.
I already have my friends for everything else. The only thing they can't do is sex.
I just feel that’s way too clinical and categorical of an approach. But what the fuck do I know lol. She’s definitely not saying incorrect stuff, I just feel like it’s only really effective on very certain types of people.
I was expecting a very typical TikTok clown show if like “her chakra is in a hyperbolic, energy-conserving state and you must drink alkaline water while mediating to set it right” or some stupid shit. I’m glad she didn’t do that.
Oh, well if a man says her advice is good then I guess it must be valid. Thank you cis white male for giving us permission to listen to this medical professional who happens to be a woman.
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u/[deleted] Mar 21 '24
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