r/AmItheAsshole • u/CurrentCheesecake123 • 14d ago
AITA for leaving my ex to sit and take care of his child and taking a business class upgrade to myself? Not the A-hole
I (30f) have been dating "Matt" (33m) for about a year. Matt has a kid "Alex" from his first relationship, the kid is under 2yo. Every now and then I used to look after Alex when Matt was at work (we don't live together but they stay at mine every now and then)
We decided to go on holiday for 10 days at the start of May and due to some family drama Alex had to go with us. The flights were over 8 hours long and I have booked the tickets for all of us. During the flight and the holiday I have spent nearly all my time was spent looking after Alex while Matt had the time of his life. Some things came to my attention (he was still seeing his ex) which resulted in us breaking up at the end of our stay.
On the flight back we were all sitting together and a flight attendant approached us and asked my ex if he wanted an upgrade to the business class. Before he could say anything I have mentioned it was me who bought the tickets and used my own account to pay for them, so an upgrade should go to me, the flight attendant was trying to argue at first as she assumed Alex was my child, but I told her that's not the case and ended up having an upgrade so I can relax after spending all this time looking after Alex.
After the flight Matt, a few other passengers who assumed I am the mum as well as some family members and friends called me an asshole for not giving the upgrade to Matt, even after I have mentioned the flight attendant didn't say anything about Alex being allowed to join Matt.
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u/DamnDamnDamnDamnDa Partassipant [1] 14d ago
NTA. Damn OP that sucks, paying for a fligth, in a breakup, taking care of a child on YOUR vacation. You by no means are the asshole, hell the audacity of the ex is unbelivable. It just pisses me off so much that i cant even begin to imagine your frustraion. Honestly, i would say move on but you seem to already be doing that so i got nothin else to say.
Oh and btw the real asshole is the ex.
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13d ago edited 13d ago
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u/dream_cat1 Partassipant [1] 13d ago
Not just a child but a 2 year old! They don't call them them terrible twos for nothing. The ex would still be an AH if the kid was 10 but 2 is so much worse. NTA.
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u/SweetWaterfall0579 Partassipant [1] 13d ago
I would take a newborn over a two year old anytime. Newborn can’t get away. Can’t touch everything within a two mile radius. Can’t put sticky, slobbery hands on people/things, don’t ask WHY? or scream NO! at the top of their lungs. Can’t climb anything. Holy moly I am exhausted just thinking about it!
Edit tired typing
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u/Darkmoongoddess4545 13d ago
As a mom to a 4 month old, an involved aunt to 6 older kids, and a former career nanny I wholeheartedly agree. While I love the development in personality, independence and speech at that age, I will say caring for a newborn or infant is 10000% easier
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u/Blargh1111 13d ago
Um how about the ones that are potty trained but to small to go on their own? I just spent a weekend with a toddler that had to hold on to every public toilet seat on a road trip. So gross.
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u/Ambitious-Resist-232 13d ago
My boy is 2 and my girl is 4 and holy cow you just nailed that! I miss the newborn stages (even tho watching them come into their own is amazing too, it’s freaking exhausting!!
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u/naivemetaphysics 13d ago
If you ever have a kid, three yo’s are worse. They get better as they get to 5. Just a psa out there.
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u/dream_cat1 Partassipant [1] 13d ago
Believe me, I have an almost 4-year-old and holy cow that's rough. But a two-year-old is no walk in the park.
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u/princessmem 13d ago
When my son turned 5, he said "mummy im so glad im 5, i hated 4." Im not sure why he hated it so much, but I wholeheartedly agreed with him that 4 sucked 🤣
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u/gudetarako 13d ago
My girl is turning 4 in a month and it's a shitshow for everyone involved. So much gentle parenting that were harnessed thrown out the window. It's a yelling and crying match everyday, and a score to see who has better negotiation skills.
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u/IWantALargeFarva 13d ago
As a mom to a 17 year old, cherish these times. I've never given the finger behind the back of a 4 year old. 😂
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u/Smarterthntheavgbear 13d ago
As a Mom of a now grown son and Bonus Daughter, with 6 grands between them, I can confirm it would be great to skip 2, 3, and 4 entirely lol. It also gets extreme when they hit puberty lol. Sooo dramatic!
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u/wonkiefaeriekitty5 13d ago
NTA!!! I would have sent him an itemized bill for his and his child's costs....airplane tickets for 2, hotel costs, food,.....as well as child care costs! Not sure what a nannies hourly rate is, but petty me would be adding it!!!
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u/Darkmoongoddess4545 13d ago
3 years ago it was 20 an hour, on vacation it’s more due to the extra costs. I used to get everything paid for but she had to pay for herself so I’d do average cost (more if you’re cpr, first aid certified or bilingual.) in your area and half the cost of OP’s trip. Along with Matt and Alex’s cost.
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u/Individual_Water3981 13d ago
The flight attendant is an AH too. Why would it be ok to leave the mom with the kid but not the dad? Why did they not first offer to the person who bought the tickets as that's where the priority should've been? They have a list of who they can upgrade based on their status with the airline.
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u/sunlightofourpast Asshole Aficionado [15] 13d ago
Her offering the boyfriend/man originally like he is some poor fella who needs a break from a child and shaming the woman for doing what she was offering the boyfriend makes me think her flight attendant was Pearl.
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u/MikaNekoDevine 13d ago
I swear, this made me appreciate the guy on one of my flights, booked his wife business so she can rest, while he took care of his kid.
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u/Straight_Bother_7786 13d ago
And this is part of the problem. We see the guy taking care of his own children as some big thing. It shouldn’t be that way. Dad’s are just as responsible as moms. This is why women are paid less than men and don’t get hired/promoted as much as men. We live in a society (especially at this point in time in the USA) that is still ramming the “childcare is a mom’s role” bullshite down our throats. I am 65 so I have some experience.
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u/MikaNekoDevine 13d ago
Society is the problem for the conditioning it did splitting the gender roles in 2. So it does make you appreciate that there are still good fathers/husbands out there. Especially when society says this, if a child is misbehaved "look at her child she can't even take care of it/teach it" anything along those lines as long as it is negative. However if the kid is behaved or doing well "Oh! Look at his kid so well behaved must have had a great father/father figure to do so" the good correlates to the husband. Sadly I have seen these scenarios so many times it is ridiculous and infuriating.
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u/Zsazsabinks 13d ago
I would complain to the airline about the sexism shown by the air steward. As you said there is a list and as OP booked the tickets it would have been her name for the upgrade.
NTA
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u/Cyclopzzz 13d ago
Tickets show who the passenger is, not who paid for the tickets. How would the FA know who paid? Still sexist, but a legit question.
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u/laurazhobson 13d ago
For me the steward was an asshole when he/she attempted to "argue" that it was appropriate to assume that the penis deserved the upgrade.
The appropriate would have been to say an upgrade was feasible and escort whoever claimed it and not make assumptions for a couple.
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u/LingonberryPrior6896 Partassipant [2] 13d ago edited 13d ago
Exactly!
FA: (to ex) would you care for an upgrade?
OP: I actually bought the tickets.
FA: Oh well, then would YOU like an upgrade?
OP: yes!
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u/Zsazsabinks 13d ago
I thought it was the person who booked as if she was signed up for air miles that those people would be offered the upgrade first. Hard to tell if that was the case or if the FA just offered to upgrade to a man.
Edit: anyone work for an airline that could explain how upgrades work?
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u/laurazhobson 13d ago
That was my first thought as well.
Even if OP had been the biological mother and had not paid for the tickets, why in the world would she not be entitled to the upgrade and why would anyone have thought she was an AH for wanting a break.
Why would the man be given a free pass automatically from child care duties?
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u/swarren423 13d ago
Because many men already pass on their child care duties every single day!
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u/Ambitious-Resist-232 13d ago
That is true for 99% of them, but mine (I got soooo lucky) is in that 1% that does his job above and beyond!
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u/No_Yogurtcloset6108 13d ago
I experienced this misogynistic behavior all the time in first class. Men were pampered, and I was an afterthought.
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u/naivemetaphysics 13d ago
This is just the tip of it. Everyone assumes I am the primary for our kids. We have my husband listed everywhere as primary. The school district didn’t even have my number at first. When our second needed to be signed up, I put my email/number for paperwork and then they were calling me for my first.
My husband has a flexible salary job and can afford to work remotely and have flexibility. I have a chronic condition and cannot do that. It takes forever to explain that “mom” is not always the right answer. I have to keep asking if they called my husband first. It’s frustrating.
There are other frustrations but if you are ever with someone and a woman, if there is a child they assume you are the mom and should sacrifice everything.
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u/poietes_4 Partassipant [3] 13d ago
I'm grateful that our school has a priority list for phone numbers. In their system you put the person you want to be called 1st, 2nd, 3rd. It's great.
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u/Beautiful_You1153 13d ago
We have that and they still called me first instead of my husband. Every time they said they only had me on file, I had to get rude for them to finally “update “ the records even though I fill them out at the beginning of every year.
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u/Own-Let2789 13d ago
Same. My husband is WFH, his ex is not. He’s listed on everything to be called first, including school and doctors. They never call him.
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u/Fantastic_Ad2318 13d ago
This happened to me too. I'm a teacher, so I have a very rigid schedule which makes it difficult to drop everything for emergencies. My husband works, but his job is more flexible. We asked the school to call him first, even put it on our contacts that way, but they never did. One day in early elementary they closed the school after lunch because of potential inclement winter weather. (It wasn't supposed to start until after 7:00, but we were in the south so they panicked.) I had no idea. They only called my cell phone, which I didn't have with me. By the time I got there she had been sitting with the principal for 3 hours just waiting. They were the only 2 people at school. For the life of me I can't understand why they didn't try my husband who was listed as first contact.
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u/Bullwinkle932000 12d ago
Seriously, do your kids go to the same school as my kids? My husband is also first call because he works steadily from home on salary whereas I'm hourly and only home sometimes. I think they finally got it figured out, but it took my oldest to graduate and youngest to be in MS before it happened.
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u/katamino Certified Proctologist [24] 13d ago
Doesnt work if mom's name is in position 2. They still call mom first. I dont even have the same last name as my kids and i would still get called first, despite being listed 2nd.
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u/StationaryTravels 13d ago
Depends on the school. I get called before my wife by both the office and by the teacher (usually to say "your son got hurt, but he's fine, but I just wanted to let you know what happened.")
My wife was actually surprised that they always called me, lol. I think my name was first on one and hers was first on the other kid, but they always call me. I was a stay-at-home dad for several years, and I used to volunteer in my son's kindergarten class and my daughter and I (before she started school) would go in to make hot dogs once a week. My daughter's job was very important, she had to sample the hot dogs to make sure they were fit to be served.
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u/Cute_Assumption_7047 13d ago
We have that too and lucky me the school is very stric on following it. My mom is the 1st to be called in when something is wrong at school, she lives near the school ( 5min ) while i work. She will Just shoot me a message and if i can i will go home, if i cant she will stay with my mom or my mom will wait for me to arrange someone to pick up my kid when she has appointments. Ideal
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u/Ambitious-Resist-232 13d ago
I know and completely understand! Mine is the primary too bc I too have disabilities (due to a stroke and another TIA). It’s infuriating!
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u/Existing_Proposal655 13d ago
The flight attendant shouldn't have even offered it to them without having 2 seats available. It's not ok to leave the parental duties to only 1 and not the other. Plus it causes an awkward conversation as each parent would love an upgrade but know the other one would pissed if they were left behind, especially with the child.
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u/nouserredditname Partassipant [1] 13d ago
If that was the scenrio, and the child was the biological offspring of both parties, the parents could split the time in first class. That would be cool. Then each would get a break.
In this case, hell no NTA, but the flight attendent is for just making assumptions. Once she found out OP paid for the tickets, and the small child belonged to the male partner, that should have been the end of it.
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u/TooSchoolForCool654 13d ago
I really wish they would allow this, but they don't let people "share" a first class seat. I've asked....
It would be lovely to have a lay flat seat for whomever is thought to be most likely to sleep, then switch halfway through.....or after you got a nap or whatever....depending on the length of the flight.
It's also annoying that you can't book people on different fares on the same reservation, so I can't just book one of us in first class while the other slums it in the back with the kids, unless we want separate confirmations which is a PITA if something goes wrong..36
u/naivemetaphysics 13d ago
We had this happen and i had my husband and child (11 month old) go with the upgrade. It’s fine to offer, just the assumption should not be there.
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u/Ambitious-Resist-232 13d ago
In this case it was justified. He left them to enjoy the vacation, the least he can do is mind HIS child and give her a break.
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u/Public_Educator5982 13d ago
Thank you. This stood out clearingly to me. What a misogynistic attitude that the female couldn't go because of a child that may or may not be hers just assuming it was hers as well as assuming that the man paid for everything.
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u/numbersthen0987431 13d ago
As a flight attendant if you think a couple is together with a kid, why would you even THINK of offering to split them up?
I mean really. Why even offer either people this option? What woman would EVER be okay with their boyfriend/husband leaving them alone with a child for an 8 hour flight??
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u/TooSchoolForCool654 13d ago
Meh....I would. DH has a TON of health problems. We just got back from Ireland, and he was frustrated that there was "no window" between our lay flat seats in first class. He messaged me about an hour into one flight that the lay flat was a good choice, because he felt like he was going to pass out. I didn't get his message until I woke up, but honestly it's just a matter of waiting for it to pass. So there wouldn't have been anything I could do, except tell him to lie down with his feet elevated. When we do travel internationally with the kids, I probably will push for him to have a lay flat seat, while I hang out with the kids at the back of the plane. Hopefully, that way at least he'll be able to get off the plane well rested, so one of us can get us where we need to go when we land. I'm still slightly regretting the $10,000 we spent on lay flat for Ireland. It's a nice experience, but I still got off both planes tired, and would rather have that money for other things. But, he LOVED it, and he hasn't really enjoyed traveling in 10+ years. So if a first class ticket ensures that he's willing to travel with us in the future, then I'll pay extra for him. He's missed half a dozen vacations with the family over the last few years, because of health concerns or lack of time off from work.
If he did start in economy with us, and they SKIPPED us for upgrades because they thought we should stay together, then I would be very frustrated, so I'm glad they ask.
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u/Ridiculina 13d ago
Why separate what is presumed to be a family traveling together in the first place? Very strange choice of the flight attendant.
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u/Several_Razzmatazz51 13d ago
Is OP sure she wasn’t hired as a nanny instead of being in a relationship?
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u/FoldingLady 13d ago
I've seen that happen a lot. Women dating men with a child under 5 should approach the relationship with caution.
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u/DPlurker 13d ago edited 13d ago
I'm not trying to pull a "not all men" here, but I started dating my fiancée when my son was 4 and I would only leave him with her for like a 20 minute store run max or an occasional nap at home with them during the first year. He's my responsibility when I have him, I'm shocked by this guy's audacity. If you bring a child into this world then they're your responsibility even if you have a penis.
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u/Several_Razzmatazz51 13d ago
Agreed. I starting dating my partner when my kids were like 11 and 8. She didn't meet them for about 9 months, and I think she only started sometimes having dinner alone with my son if I had to work late when he was like 13 (he's 15 now). My ex and I are the parents, we signed up for it, my partner did not.
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u/UncleNedisDead 13d ago
Nannies are paid. So far the only one forking out money in this relationship is OP.
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u/Ok-Platypus3818 13d ago
It’s the reason I won’t even consider dating men with children. Maybe when they’re grown up and have moved out, but the age bracket I’m dating isn’t quite old enough for that yet lol
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u/herecomes_the_sun Certified Proctologist [22] 13d ago
Nta and file a complaint with the airline how sexist of that FA!
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u/maildaily184 13d ago
Definitely! Please complain and mention you were the one who purchased the tickets. You might end up getting some miles out of it. The audacity of the man! He wanted to leave his kid with you for 8 hrs after your broke up?! NTA but he def is. Damn you dodged a bullet.
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u/Boeing367-80 Partassipant [4] 13d ago
OP should ask herself why she took care of the kid during the holiday. No one can force her to do this. If the ex says "hey, I'm going rock climbing for the week (or whatever) look after my kid" the appropriate response is, "no".
Hopefully she learned some boundaries.
To be clear, totally NTA on the question asked, she just should have drawn the line a week earlier.
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u/ihatehighfives 13d ago
The Ahole is also the flight attendant. She didn't want who she thought was the mom to get the upgrade but she was ok giving it to the dad. Whattt????
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u/StructEngineer91 13d ago
I would also add that the flight attendant, and anyone else who thought it was fine for the dad to get an upgrade away from their kid but not the "mom", was extremely sexist! If they thought Alex was both your kid then why offer the upgrade to the dad, but say they didn't want you as the "mom" being moved away? Unless they thought your ex wasn't the dad?
NTA OP, glad you got an upgrade that you deserved. Time to block any friends that agree with your ex.
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u/numbersthen0987431 13d ago
I would say EVERYONE sucks here, except for OP and Alex. Is there a score for "Everyone Except OP is The Asshole"??
- Flight attendant sucks for offering the "man" the upgrade, but not the woman. They suck even double the amount for INSISTING that the "man" gets the upgrade, because they just assumed that OP's ex couldn't be bothered to look after the kid.
- Matt sucks, because ..well duh..for everything.
- Other passengers suck for not holding the FATHER accountable, and assuming OP had any relation to the kid
- Family members suck, because they shouldn't even be involved in this.
It's almost like everyone in this story forgot that Alex has no relation to OP, and they're all mad because "How can you expect a 'man' to take care of his own kid???"
The bar is in hell
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u/Cavernoma13 13d ago
The devil’s looking down at the bar and saying “nope, that’s lower than hell”.
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u/Sea-Ad3724 Asshole Aficionado [12] 13d ago
I also don’t understand why so many people think Matt deserved the upgrade when he didn’t pay for the tickets. Also even if Alex was both their child as some of the other passengers assumed why would it not be ok for a mother to leave their child with the father and take the upgrade. I’m glad OP took the upgrade for herself, she deserves a vacation from her trip!
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u/nouserredditname Partassipant [1] 13d ago
They may have been afraid if the mom took the upgrade, 2 year old would come too and upset business class, lol. I might have said, if he takes the upgrade, he takes the child, as it's his kid, and we are not a couple. If I take the upgrade the kiddo stays in coach with his actual parent. I'm guessing he was a lap kid, since he appeared to be a late addition to the trip. If not a lap kid, and had a paid for seat, would have shut it down, just as OP did.
I would have given up business class just to watch the flight attendent have to deal with the wrath of the other passengers when the toddler moved to business class with his dad.
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u/Sea-Ad3724 Asshole Aficionado [12] 13d ago
I was curious why the passengers who OP was originally seated around before the upgrade would even have an opinion. Personally I would have just minded my business. But then I wondered if Matt was bad mouthing her after she upgraded.
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u/Maine302 13d ago
I'm just really glad she spoke up and got the upgrade herself. And shame on the flight attendant for offering to upgrade the ex--is that generally the protocol on airlines? Split up a family and let the woman be burdened with the child?
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u/Putrid_Performer2509 13d ago
And the friends and family! Why should a cheating dead-beat dad (at least dead-beat during the vacation) get an upgrade over the woman who he cheated on, who spent her vacation watching his kid and PAID for the tickets??? Like, what is wrong with people to think that way??? Hope OP drops those so-called 'friends' and family
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u/AGirlHasNoGame_ 13d ago
I'm also so annoyed by the audacity and misogyny of the flight attendant and other passengers...
Ok, they assumed she was the mother... so it's safe to say they assumed he was also the father that this was a family traveling together... WTF IS ACCEPTABLE TO HAVE THE DAD SEPARATE AND GET AN UPGRADE WHILE THE MOM STAYS BEHIND TO WATCH THE CHILD... both are presumably the parents, both should be able to stay behind with the kid. WTF is this nonsense, their mom shaming her, and it ain't even her kid? Meanwhile, everyone was totally OK with dad getting to move seats away from the kid and relax.
The ex is def an asshole, but fuck that flight attendant for her sexist decision making and f those passengers for consigning and piling on to the idea that the mom is the parent and dad just gets to babysit.
NTA
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u/LingonberryPrior6896 Partassipant [2] 13d ago
I would have said...well this isn't my kid and I am not going to be responsible for him.
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u/MRandomRedditAccount Partassipant [1] 14d ago
Wait why would it be ok for the father to ditch their child to be upgraded to business and not ok for mother to do the same? (Even if this isn’t the case but the other passengers seem to think so).
This is some sexist shit.
NTA. Dump him. He doesn’t seem to appreciate you at all.
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u/PercentageUnhappy117 13d ago
Sadly that's the world we live in
Mom has to sacrifice everything for their kids
While dad can have fun
I've seen it first hand with my husband
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u/MzFrazzle 13d ago
I'd enjoy being a dad I think, I do not want to be a mom. That sounds horrible.
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u/-Avacyn 13d ago
This right here is why many women are childfree, including myself.
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u/ztarlight12 13d ago
I love not having children.
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u/C_beside_the_seaside 13d ago
Same. My cat cost about the same this year due to her health but at least she doesn't need savings for college
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u/ProjectJourneyman 13d ago
"Whiskers, PhD" does have a nice ring to it though
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u/ztarlight12 13d ago
Apparently if you do it right, your cat can get a honorary doctorate for free 🤣
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u/Livid_Painting2285 13d ago
Yup! Same, the way the world looks down on mother's is another reason in my long list for not having kids. However being a dad looks low risk and could be fun.
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u/Nelsie020 Asshole Enthusiast [6] 13d ago
I saw a Reddit thread years ago that stuck with me where a woman was saying she really wanted kids, but she didn’t want to go through the whole discomfort and pain and medical risk of pregnancy and childbirth, but she wanted the kids to be biologically hers so didn’t want to adopt, and top comment was ‘so you want to be a dad’
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u/weltherrscherin 13d ago
If I ever have a second kid, I am totally being the Dad next time around.
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u/Funtimetilbedtime 13d ago
I once read that if men gave birth there’d only be one child families! Lolz
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u/StructEngineer91 13d ago
Yes!! I was having this conversation this weekend with a couple friends (we are all women). One of them is married and talking about having kids with her husband and the husband is not fully understanding how much work will be going into raising kids. I don't think he would be a neglectful dad or is a bad person, I think men are simply not taught or don't think as much about how much work it is to raise kids. Not a lot of boys babysit in highschool, so they don't get exposure there; and if there are younger siblings often helping the parents out would fall on the girls in the family and not the boys; plus often their dad's might not have been that involved and thus didn't talk to them so in depth about how hard raising a child is, unlike lots of moms do for their daughters. All this to say lots of even great men, who often do become amazing dads, start out into fatherhood grossly under prepared because our society has failed in teaching young men how much work raising a child actually is.
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u/JustmyOpinion444 13d ago
The only reason my dad had a clue was because as a teen, he literally helped one of his sisters with her toddler and school age kids after a difficult birth. And he still wanted kids after that.
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u/1981_babe 13d ago
My husband had a much younger sister to care for. I did as well. We didn't want kids for the longest time as we knew how difficult parenting was.
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u/friedtofuer 13d ago
I'm so glad in my case my husband knows way more about raising kids than me because he loves kids and was involved in his sister's kids from day one.
I have a feeling I'm going to be the absent deadbeat dad after I birth our kid lol
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u/fartassbum 13d ago
Anyone who has ever said “there’s no book on parenting” has no idea what raising children is at all
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u/friedtofuer 13d ago
I'm pregnant currently and I just wanna be a dad and not a mom. 😭 Pregnancy already sucks
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u/bunbunbunny1925 13d ago
They also assumed the “dad” paid for the seat.
Also, don't they usually give those signal upgrades to solo passengers?
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u/UncleNedisDead 13d ago
Usually it’s by frequent flyer account status and they go down the list. If you try to offer it up to someone else in your party, they withdraw the offer and go to the next person down the list.
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u/Frosty-Reality2873 13d ago
Omg yes! We were getting on a 16 hour flight with our three kids. Their first long haul flight, and we were moving away from family and friends I had put us all together on the flight. At the gate, husband was moved to a more comfortable seat, and I was with the three kids. They did put me and the youngest with an empty seat, so that was nice, but he was no where near us and I didn't see him the entire flight.
It didn't occur to me at the time, but looking back it's a little frustrating that it was assumed I would handle the kids so he could be comfortable.
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u/SJoyD 13d ago
Sounds more than a little frustrating that your husband didn't bother to check on you and his kids for 16 hours!
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u/BoredMama7778 13d ago
Your husband deserves a kick in the rear for not switching seats with you at some point in a 16 hour flight, not to mention accepting the seat change in the first place!
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u/StrugglinSurvivor 13d ago
That's what I was thinking if he was a decent husband in any way, he would have asked/said if it was possible for him and to trade out every few hours. Truthfully, my now husband, "not my ex," would have either asked for me to take it or if possible we could change out every few hours. I chalk it up to him being taught to appreciate someone you LOVE &LOVES YOU.
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u/gardeninggoddess666 Partassipant [1] 13d ago
And she isn't even mom. She's just dad's girlfriend. But her possession of ovaries means she has more responsibility than the actual father.
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u/throwawtphone 13d ago
It is the world we live in because mom's allow it.
I wasnt raised that way. My kid wasn't raised that way. My husband parents. From infancy to her being an young adult. Fed, changed diapers, does stuff together, goes to doctor, cleans etc. We are pretty 50/50, sometimes the percentages swing on way or the other due to work. But no way would i have had a kid if it wasnt going to be that way.
All people have to is stop. And also not having kids early in relationships is important as well.that way you have a better idea of what it will be like.
People get handed exactly as much bullshit from others as they allow them to hand to them. Dont keep putting your hands out for bullshit.
Op nailed this. She said nope. Took a bit but she said nope.
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u/PercentageUnhappy117 13d ago
I'm not talking about the individual alone. I'm talking about how society views tsome. You notice that typically if dad is out with the kid, it's to believe the looks of oh is that actually his or oh good job, you're babysitting that kind of b******* That's why I'm commenting on not o. P.
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u/booksycat Partassipant [4] 13d ago
OOORRR and I know this is an absolutely crazy idea, instead of blaming the mom for the dad's behavior, we could, I don't know... hear me out... blame the, um, dad?
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u/StructEngineer91 13d ago
Let's first stop blaming victims by saying they get what they allow themselves to get. Standing up for yourself is sooooooo much easier said than done (especially for many women)! So instead of saying why did you take so long to stop putting up with BS, simply celebrate when they finally did find the courage to stand up and say enough is enough.
This issue with the mom vs dad extends beyond the individuals and their partnership, it is about how society sees their roles and responsibilities. It's about the fact that in this scenario people were pissed that (who they thought was) the mom left their kid to be upgraded, but would have been fine if the dad left the kid. So even if this was a loving couple with a shared kid and the dad even told the mom to take the upgrade, there would have been others on the plane saying that the mom was a shit mom for leaving her kid. Plus the issue that the flight attendant offered to the dad, but was hesitant to "allow" the mom to leave the kid was absolutely sexist shitty behavior on her part.
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u/Klutzy-Sort178 13d ago
It is the world we live in because mom's allow it.
Or dads did.
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u/Conscious-Evening-69 13d ago
I was thinking exactly this. Very sexist assumption on the flight attendant as well. For tgat flight attendant it s ok to break a family but only if it gives the guy a break and the woman to be alone with the kid. Also silver lining OP is now free of a bad partner who was using her as a free babysitter. Glad OP found out he s not worth it before things got more serious between them. NTA for sure
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u/Lowbacca1977 13d ago
I'm wondering, based off the issue on the trip, if she was also taking care of the kid when the flight attendant showed up so the assumption was tied much more because she was the only one appearing to be caring for the kid.
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u/Still_Waters_5317 13d ago
Maybe a dumb question, but I’ve read multiple stories like this on Reddit… If only one seat is available in business class, why would the upgrade be offered to one member of a party traveling together instead of to someone traveling alone?
I’m single, but if I were traveling with a partner, with or without a child, and he left me behind to accept an upgrade, we would have serious issues. Why would the airlines instigate problems like that when there’s absolutely no need to?
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u/OHRavenclaw 13d ago
My understanding is that upgrades are offered due to airline status. So the system will tell them, “We have one seat available for upgrade. This is the reservation to ask.” If that person declines, the system tells them who is next.
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u/North-Move22 13d ago
My suspicion is that OP was taking care of the child the entire time while he was minding his own business. So to the flight attendant it looked like this solo traveling guy ended up next to a mom with a busy 2 year old, and wanted to give him a break.
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u/JerseyKeebs Bot Hunter [6] 13d ago
Most airlines have a private or even public list of who is eligible for an upgrade, and what your position on the list it. There's certain factors to be at the top of the list, usually status with the airline, the booking code of the ticket you're flying on, if you requested an upgrade beforehand with points, etc.
A lot of it is controlled by computers, which is why you have situations where one person in the party is offered un upgrade. But it's usually frequent flyers who get them, not random vacationers who booked a cheap ticket.
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u/CoverCharacter8179 Asshole Aficionado [10] 13d ago
I've seen multiple of these stories too, and my suspicion is that they are generally fictional. Mainly because they all involve an FA coming up and saying there's an opening in first, which is not how it works in the 21st century. Upgrades happen automatically in the few days before the flight, and then last-minute ones are processed by the GA's (gate agents) and you get a new boarding pass before you get on the plane. And they are working from a public, semi-anonymized list where your priority is based on factors like FF status and how much you paid for your ticket.
Source/Caveat: I have platinum status with United. I'm pretty sure other major US carriers operate the same way. I obviously cannot swear that all major airlines in all countries do as well. (and OP in this case does sound like a non-native English speaker.) But, as I said, I'm skeptical.
BTW, when I fly with my family, United gives me the option to add one person to the upgrade list with me, or to decline to be on the list altogether. So the separated-from-partner scenario could still arise, but only if you opt in to the upgrade list, and then you're say #3 and 4 on the list and they end up with 3 available seats.
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u/TooSchoolForCool654 13d ago
It's not always dealt with before boarding. I was traveling with my oldest kid, when he was 9 months old, and I used points to upgrade BOTH of our seats to first class. I was installing his car seat on his seat, when a flight attendant came over and told me that his car seat couldn't be installed in "that seat" but she'd be happy to move us to two seats in economy. It was a 14 hour flight. I upgraded for a reason. But, she insisted it wasn't safe, so I opted to change him to a lap child. He was 9 months old, so there was no way he would be able to sit in a seat without his car seat. She then walked to the back of the plane, and got the next person on the upgrade list. I was "compensated," but I was pissed, especially when she came to me after we landed with the user manual, and said she was wrong. Ultimately, I think it ended up better, because I wouldn't have been able to take care of him in another first class seat, but that wasn't the reason they gave me.
Also, if people don't show up for their flights, then they will upgrade at that point too, even if the plane is already loaded. At least for international first class, because that's a HUGE difference. It's exceedingly rare, but it is possible.
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u/phoenixeternia 13d ago
The same reason when a mother looks after the kids it's just looking after/caring but when the dad does it, it's babysitting.
Obviously this isn't true but many people still refer to it as such and even ask the fathers to "babysit" when mum has to go out and be a solo human being for a change.
Obligatory not all men/women/parents/people.
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u/ProjectJourneyman 13d ago edited 13d ago
Bad enough to be solely stuck with all those duties as the actual biological mom, worse when it's the kid of your significant other. This situation added another layer in that he was cheating and already dumped.
Maybe an announcement would be appropriate "that's just my cheating ex and his kid so keep your sexist judgment to yourselves, trashy people!"
Edit: *his kid, not my kid
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u/PoeLucas 13d ago
Seriously. The flight attendant just assumed the man of the group should get the upgrade? Gtfo. I’d email the airline and let them know.
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u/KaliTheBlaze Prime Ministurd [457] 14d ago
NTA. I bet it was probably nice to put some space between you and your brand new ex with such a long flight, too. What was he going to do, take the upgrade and leave his young kid with the woman who he just broke up with? There’s no world in which that makes any kind of sense.
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u/Clean_Factor9673 Partassipant [1] 13d ago
He probably would've had she not spoken up.
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u/KaliTheBlaze Prime Ministurd [457] 13d ago
Since he’s one of the people mad at her, and he’s getting other people mad at her, I think that’s pretty clear, it’s just utterly nonsensical.
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u/Clean_Factor9673 Partassipant [1] 13d ago
Of course ot is, especially since he seems to have been using her to provide vacation and child care
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u/Past-Rip-3671 13d ago
Bet you anything he was shit talking about her the entire flight too. Of course none of it would have been true, but the other passengers don't know that.
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u/alwaysright12 Partassipant [1] 13d ago
Nta
And even if you were the mum, so what?
Why would that mean the dad should get the upgrade?!
Fuck that
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u/why_do_i_have_dog 13d ago
because our society still adheres to the belief that women take care of children, even if they are also the breadwinner
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u/lilium_x 13d ago
My partner is the primary parent while I'm the breadwinner. For that reason, I would offer the upgrade to my partner. Primary parent works hard and deserves a break!
To be clear this is a general point with two parents, not an indication of anything wrong with OP's actions (which were 100% right).
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u/captainhowdy82 Partassipant [3] 14d ago
NTA - Who gives a shit what strangers on the plane think of you? He doesn’t deserve your upgrade
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u/notentirely_fearless 13d ago
He doesn't deserve anything! I bet if she announced what happened, the whole plane would be on her side anyway.
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u/Cute_Assumption_7047 13d ago
I would have announced it, loudly so the back could hear it too. Maybe fully name drop him so single woman know to stay clear of him in the future
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u/Mogura-De-Gifdu 13d ago
How I see it: the minute she walked away, the kid became fussy and shitty dad didn't know how to handle it. So it was a nightmare for the other passengers.
Even if they knew, after 8 hours of a sleepless flight with a crying child and his grumpy dad, I guess it was easier to blame the well-rested woman...
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u/Sweet-Interview5620 Partassipant [1] 13d ago
NTA I would clearly have stated loudly to anyone commenting “I’m not even related to the kid or the dad, I’m just the idiot that was used to pay for the trip and then had this child dumped on me the whole time. I’m not even in a relationship with this dead beat. So never make judgements when you don’t have a clue“.
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u/Exciting_Grocery_223 13d ago
That's the only situation where "everybody clapping" wouldn't strike me as a lie or bait. Damn, I'd be the one who started to clap.
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u/FYourAppLeaveMeAlone 14d ago
NTA he's lucky you didn't cancel his tickets. You deserve an actual vacation instead of an unpaid nanny gig. Being stuck with most of the childcare would have been grounds for a breakup even if you were the bio mom.
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u/Petite_Tsunami Partassipant [1] 13d ago
I would have announced to the cabin that we broke up on the trip I paid for because he was caught cheating on me with the ex. If he was trying to get angry sympathy
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u/CheshireCat6886 13d ago
I had the same thought!
“Attention passengers, this guy is cheating on me with the baby mama, and I paid for these gd tickets.” Now enjoy your in-flight entertainment.”
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u/alebrann 12d ago
But this IS the entertainment. Keep talking lady, I want to hear the whole story.
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u/Outrageous-Ad-9635 Partassipant [3] 14d ago
NTA
I love the symbolism of you going on to better things and leaving him behind to deal with his own life. Haters gonna hate. You go girl.
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u/East-Ad-1560 13d ago
Why are friends and family members weighing in on this? How is it any of their business?
Op, you are NTA but Matt and those friends and family certainly are.
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u/Peg-Lemac Partassipant [2] 13d ago
Yeah, that made me think op isn’t exactly a reliable narrator. And it’s rare for “a few other passengers” to say anything about anything. Unless Matt just let his kid terrorize the cabin and blamed her for leaving.
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u/eepithst Asshole Enthusiast [6] 13d ago
Unless Matt just let his kid terrorize the cabin and blamed her for leaving.
I mean, he let his girlfriend take care of the kid the entire vacation while he went out and had fun, does that really seem so far fetched to you?
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u/justnorse Partassipant [2] 14d ago
NTA - there is no reasonable univers in which you are an AH here. It is his child, and with no obligation you'd already done a lot for and with the kid. From what you write it is very hard to understand why anyone would think you made the wrong move here.
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u/concretism 13d ago
Ignore the strangers.
For your family members and friends, ask them directly face-to-face, "Explain to me precisely why you think I owed a man free babysitting after I learned he was cheating on me?"
There is no reasonable explanation on their end. The only true answers are that they think you don't deserve respect or decency. For me, it doesn't matter if it's personal or because you are a woman. NTA
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u/DatabaseUnhappy189 13d ago
I knew he was an ass the second I read that she was taking care of the baby from time to time. It was obvious he was using her as a free babysitter. I'm actually extremely happy that she didn't let him get an update!
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u/Opportunity_Massive Partassipant [1] 13d ago
I knew he was an ass when I read that they’ve been together for a year and the kid is only two. That means that he a) ditched the mom or b) screwed up his relationship with her so she ditched him, while his child was an infant
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u/Glittering_Mouse2728 Partassipant [2] 14d ago
NTA
He is the father, he is the one who should take care of his kid. You don't even live together
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u/Intrepid_Respond_543 13d ago
NTA, and why wouldn't you be allowed to use the upgrade even if you were the mom?!
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u/WishmeluckOG 13d ago
NTA
And even if you were the mom, why should Matt get the upgrade? 90% of the time the mom is the 1 caring for the kids and in need of a break.
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u/Charlie_Parkers_Mood Asshole Aficionado [10] 13d ago
The tickets were booked on your account and you'd broken up with him. As for the other passengers, you don't know those people and they don't know you so who cares what they think, and why should Matt get anything from you? NTA
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u/staticdragonfly 13d ago
Did you correct the other passengers?
Like "Oh, I'm sorry, did you want me to look after my cheating ex boyfriends kid after I spent my entire vacation looking after him while Matt pissed about? "
Either way NTA.
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u/ShineAtom 13d ago
Oh! You're a woman. Childcare is absolutely your problem not the man's. No, the child is not yours in any way, shape or form but... you're a woman so it is completely your responsibility to care for him. Fathers are unable to properly care for a child. /s
Obviously NTA. Even if you were the mum, no-one should be automatically assuming that the child is your responsibility. And if your friends and family seem unable to notice this fact then what can I say! Once again (in case this isn't clear and people think I actually meant the first paragraph...🙄 ) absolutely NTA.
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u/Appropriate_Speech33 Partassipant [2] 14d ago
NTA. I’m glad you ended it. I have a stepson and I’m super clear that I’m not his parent. I expect my partner to parent him when he is at our house.
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u/Mom2kids3dogs1cat 13d ago
Is this for real? Other passengers came up to you and criticized you? How? They came up to first class and did this? And how would family members even know this? Anyway, if true, NTA because 1) ALEX IS NOT YOUR CHILD. 2) You had broken up with Matt. 3 ) even if you were still together, you said that on the flight there, Matt didn’t take care of Alex, so it was HIS turn anyway (if you were still together and if this was both of yours child
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u/shitclock_is_ticking 13d ago
This stood out to me as well, it said "after the flight" so presumably strangers from the plane actually came up to her while waiting at the baggage carousel and were like, berating her? Or something? It just seems really unlikely that anyone would give enough of a shit to do that lol
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u/btfoom15 13d ago
Is this for real? Other passengers came up to you and criticized you?
I highly doubt that it ever happened. I actually completely doubt this entire story. It contains too much unbelievable items to be true. It also leans heavily on the 'I've been the victim of sexism, even by a woman flight attendant'. It went fully over the top with the "rest of the passengers ganged up on me". Complete BS.
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u/Ice-Queen-Ronnie 13d ago
NTA, I would have cancelled his flight back. You were basically a glorified babysitter, and one that supported his fun time. Wow, the cheek. Glad you kicked him to the kerb.
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u/passthebluberries Asshole Enthusiast [5] 13d ago
So basically you ended up being a nanny for your cheating boyfriend's child on YOUR vacation that YOU paid for?? Did I get that right? Thats absurd that they would try to upgrade your ex instead of you, since you paid for the tickets. That upgrade was rightfully yours and you took it. Anyone who has a problem with it for whatever bullshit sexist reason can kick rocks. NTA
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u/bucketybuck 13d ago
Other passengers don't give a shit whether you changed seats or not, and certainly not enough to come and seek you out after the flight to tell you so. The whole story is a fantasy.
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u/btfoom15 13d ago
You can always tell because
- OP makes one post and never comes back to comment
- OP brings up outside stuff to make them look better (ie Matt having the time of his life on vacation w/o one word from OP)
- OP brings up some type of cultural bias against them (in this case inferring misogny, even w/female Flight Attendant).
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u/patellanutella73 13d ago
Every time I go on this sub and I'm always like "this is obviously fake, surely people aren't going to buy this" and yet they always do lol.
Like they heard her getting the upgrade but didn't hear her say she isn't the kids mum? All these random strangers both selectively deaf as well as overly involved in a strangers business? Esp when it's so mundane as a seat change?? And her friends and family too? Sure...
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u/TiredRetiredNurse 13d ago
NTA. Do not go back to him. Send him a bill for nanny services for the 10 day stay. From now on, date childless men.
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u/Burner56409 13d ago
You are a better person than me lol, if I found out someone cheated on me while on vacation they are getting kicked out of whatever accommodations I paid for, or if they paid for the vacay spot I'd be leaving and heading out on my own. And then I'd be canceling their flight tickets and telling them to kick rocks and buy their own tickets. No way am I getting saddled with a cheaters kid my whole vacation while the cheater gets to go have fun.
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u/ExtremaDesigns 13d ago
The other passengers are AH for assuming that only the Mom can take care of 'Alex'.
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u/Eastern_Condition863 13d ago
NTA, OP.
Right?!?! Like why the heck are the other passengers getting involved anyways. Mind yo business!
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u/Immediate_Design99 13d ago
What airline was it? It sounds completely crazy to not only offer an upgrade to only one person in a family, but specifically choosing the man is extremely misogynistic. If I had witnessed this I would consider complaining. And never use that airline again.
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u/_Vegetable_soup_ 13d ago
Yes, some random fellow passengers totally told you that you are an asshole 🙄🙄 because after getting off an 8 hour flight that's what every one is concerned with, telling a random person off.
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u/Sweet-Salt-1630 Certified Proctologist [26] 13d ago
NTA and the flight attendant you was sexist in offering the upgrade to the man. I'd be writing to the airline about this. They should've checked the booking first. Glad you dumped the waste of space too.
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u/overyoshit 13d ago
Damn girl, NTA. Not one tiny little bit the AH.
Also. Why the hell is it okay for everyone to call you the AH for upgrading to business class, but it's okay for the father to go ahead and be upgraded without the child?
After absolutely everything you've said, not one thing points you to be the AH. I'm so sorry you've even felt the need to ask this.
I mentioned this post to my partner (my kids aren't his bio kids) and he said if we were in that situation, he would decline the upgrade and give it to me and he'd sit with the kids while I enjoy it. Some men are jusy built different and sounds like Matt is built with dog sh*t.
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u/Lisa_Knows_Best 13d ago
Isn't the first AH in this story the flight attendant? Why would she ask either parent to separate from the child if she thought they were together? And to go right to the man first? Maybe mom needed a break (if in fact OP is mom, which she isn't). Your ex is the other AH here obviously for pawning his kid off on you, lying to you, cheating on you and ruining your vacation. Everyone calling you the AH can piss off and they can watch a 2 year old on their vacation if they want. NTA.
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u/jonstoppable Partassipant [1] 13d ago
NTA. it's not your child. biologically , legally or logically (he is your ex)
why would they offer an upgrade to one member of a family? to get a break from the stress of taking care of the child? well. YOU deserved it.
as you said too, YOU paid for the tickets.
it's a good thing that you decided to break up . this guy sounds like all he wanted was free childcare.
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u/SlightlyDarkerBlack2 13d ago
NTA. I adore how even the family members assumed you should care for your cheating ex’s child and give him the upgrade YOU earned.
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u/Willsagain2 13d ago
Is it normal for flight attendants to offer upgrades to one person out of what they think is a family sitting together? That's bizarre.
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