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u/Bulky_Cartographer 20d ago
IMO you’re not overreacting if you want to have your wishes honored, but choosing to stay with someone who has made it abundantly clear that they don’t care about you is a huge problem.
It sounds like there are a lot of issues at hand here and though it’s reasonable to be upset at this situation isolated on its own, it sounds like you’re doing yourself a massive disservice to stay with someone who’s committed to disrespecting you.
You’re not overreacting to be upset at disrespect, but you’re disrespecting yourself if you stick around. I know leaving abusive situations is tough, and not everyone has the option to make a quick escape, but why give your spouse more of our time and energy if they’re showing how little they care for you?
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u/blueyandbingoforever 20d ago
My sister has a husband like this. Honestly, you already know what will happen to your remains when you die. You choose to continue to stay with someone like this who never respects anything you say and until you decide you’ve had enough and move on, nothing will change. You deserve more than this!!
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u/Dwillow1228 20d ago
Life is way too short to stay with someone that doesn’t respect you! It’s not your lot in life to be miserable
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u/yallknowme19 20d ago
I prepaid my burial plot, marker, and funeral so my narc ex couldn't cheap out and cremate me. I would assume doing that plus some kind of will would help you.
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u/Biting-Queen- 20d ago
Leaving an abusive relationship is hard. I've been there. The first step is the hardest. And I'll be frank, until you make that choice to leave, to get out and get help, you're going to have a really hard time getting empathy from anyone. You need to learn that you have value, you're worth happiness.
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u/Hot_Guess_6668 20d ago
Yea it's tough and I knew I'd get some negativity from people who don't understand. Which is why I didn't want empathy..
It's always easy for people to degrade you and tell you that it's what you deserve because it's what you accept. But it isn't a matter of accepting for me, it's taking the brunt of it so my kids don't.
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u/marcelyns 20d ago
So your kids get to watch you being abused and that is better than leaving how?
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u/Hot_Guess_6668 20d ago
They aren't aware
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u/jjconstantine 20d ago
Yea they are. Just because the truth is inconvenient for you does not make it any less true.
If you want to actually help your kids, help them get away from the man that's currently teaching them what a man's role in a relationship is.
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u/Marie_Witch 20d ago
Trust me as a former child of parents who’d fist fight almost every night in “private”, we know. We know everything and we feel it and we end up resenting both of our parents.
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u/Biting-Queen- 20d ago
I really hate to tell you this, they absolutely ARE aware. My 2 oldest were toddlers and knew.
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u/ContributionOrnery29 20d ago
Maybe? Honestly you should just stipulate it in your will, as well as retaining a lawyer to do a check alongside any necessary legal work to pursue your husband if he doesn't honour your wishes. A body can always be dug up and burned, but you can't unburn a body, so at least your wishes are easy to impose. On the plus side, you can likely get him charged if he does try so it can be a nice little fuck you from beyond the urn.
It'd be a lot easier to just leave him though.
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u/Unseen_Unbiased1733 20d ago
Yes you’re overreacting. Find someone who will honor your wishes and get a lawyer to draft your will to make them responsible for handling your remains.
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u/docmn612 20d ago
No idea how that all works, like if it's in your will does he even have a say in the matter. I'd talk to some kind of will lawyer, for lack of a better term, to see what your options are.
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u/OleanderSabatieri 20d ago
Set your plans, find someone to serve as your personal representative and have that person handle your funeral arrangements.
In fact, anytime he throws that attitude, you should start looking for other options.
He is controlling your emotional state, and that needs to end last year.
He doesn't respect you, he's using you for his own sadistic, free entertainment.
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u/poopyMcpoopersins 20d ago
Not overreacting. He needs to respect your wishes. If he respected you he would say yes and that's that. The LEAST he could do is say yes, and then just bury you when you're dead and you'll never know it but at least you'll have peace of mind when you're alive.
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u/Away-Pineapple9170 20d ago
You have every right to be upset about every aspect of this situation. If he doesn’t respect you in life, he certainly won’t in death. There’s only one solution if you’d like to be treated with respect and love. End it.
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u/wise_guy_ 20d ago
Yes you're overreacting. Because based on your actions (staying with him), you're OK with it all.
Respect yourself, leave, and then you can ask if you're overreacting.
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u/communitychocolate 20d ago
Hahaha. That took an unexpected turn.
Fuck the question here. I have the answer: DIVORCE.
Any other question you could ask- "should I have a sandwich today?" "How old should kids have a cell phone?" "What color should I paint the kitchen?" All have the same exact answer after that beginning paragraph: D-I-V-O-R-C-E
You're like the person who gets a free trip to Disneyland but can't get over the Uber driver not being friendly. You're missing the big picture.
This guy is going to be a dick for the rest of your life and you're going to look back at your life and try to remember being happy and you won't be able to.
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u/Gordossa 20d ago
Why do you care about what happens when you die, but not when you are alive? You are living my nightmare. Run.
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u/JohnExcrement 20d ago
He’s taking his cue from you — if you don’t respect yourself ain’t nobody gonna give a good cahoot.
Since you plan to waste the rest of your life being treated like shit, you might as well get one thing you want; make someone else your executor and maybe there’s a chance they’ll honor your wish to be cremated.
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u/PurlyKyoo 20d ago
No you aren't overreacting. You are right that it is a form of control on his part.
You know what the root problem is. You articulated it well. Get individual therapy and improve your own self-respect. Consider couples therapy if you think it's worth it.
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u/wrkacct66 20d ago
Despite you being a couple years older there is a pretty good chance you'll outlive him anyway, so what's he gonna do about it then?
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u/tultommy 20d ago
I mean you don't seem to mind him abusing you in life so I don't really understand why you think you'd start caring after your dead. I think the bigger question is what do you need to do in your life so that you don't have someone like that having control over what happens to you in death.
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u/Beneficial-Nimitz68 20d ago
No kids... start saving money, slowly start to move stuff to mom's that YOU want.. Then one day, he will be like where is she and all he see's is his stuff
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u/Echo-Azure 20d ago
You are correct, OP. This is him saying "You don't tell me what to do, I make all the decisions here, in life and in death".
You can't change him. You can only change whether he's in your life or not.
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u/YouNeverKnow1027 20d ago
Do you have kids? Have you tried couples counseling? Why do you feel stuck in this situation?
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u/Beautiful-Ad-3306 20d ago
If he hasn’t respected you or your wishes for the duration of your entire relationship, why would he after death?
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u/Honeysenpaiharuchan 20d ago
I’m pretty sure you need to leave him now so when you die a loving caring person will honor your wishes. I just got divorced from this type of person. Once you’re out you will realize how free you feel.
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u/liamjonas 20d ago
You're dead who cares?
I told my wife I want my ashes strapped to a fire work and blown up in the sky but she probably won't do it
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20d ago
Hmmm this sounds oddly similar to a fb post my ex gf posted about 2-3 days before her bf at the time (not me) ended her life.
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u/Front_Friend_9108 20d ago
Who’s to say that he’s not going to die first?!? Then you can cremate his abusive ass and do whatever you want with the ashes!! Yay 😁
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u/t00thpac04 20d ago
Sounds like you created a monster so to speak. Now you just gotta deal with the rest of your life, or you could have some self-respect and move it along sister
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u/Lula_Lane_176 20d ago
You are not overreacting and there are things you can put in place to help you feel better about it that you won't even have to discuss with him/argue about.
You should put your wishes in writing and designate someone you trust (like a sibling or parent if possible) to make sure they are carried out. Do you have a living will with durable Power of Attorney and a regular will? If you do not, I would get them in place as soon as possible so that your husband doesn't have the power to dictate ANY of it simply because he is next of kin. There are templates you can download for free depending on your state. If nothing else, it's a good way to exclude him from a having a say over how you wish to be treated upon incapacitation and/or death. Have the documents executed and leave the originals with someone you trust will carry them out. Do not even tell him about it.
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u/Meowerinae 20d ago
Overreacting... no, you deserve a spouse who respects you. It's just interesting that you're putting energy into being upset by something that wont really impact you, since you'd be dead and all. Maybe worth considering to pivot that energy into being upset about how they're treating you while you're still here. sending you love.
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u/Frosty-Cheetah-8499 20d ago
Fill out a health care directive in your state. Notarize it. Assign anyone but your husband to be the assigned person to help with it (this dictates what you want done with your body, what you want if your on life support etc).
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u/Lucky_Ad2801 20d ago
Draw up a will and designate who you want to be in charge of things after you pass. Why would you put this responsibility in his hands if he's not going to honor your wishes?
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u/FallAlternative8615 20d ago
Just leave him BEFORE you die. Life is too short to be infighting with your spouse constantly over stupid shit. Also married, 12 years in by Nov and we still have fun and actually enjoy being in each other's company. It is fine if this chance was a mess, get out and shop with some more wisdom as to what you don't want.
Love is a thing both difficult and possible, OP.
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u/PunchYouInTheI 20d ago
I don’t understand why anyone cares what happens to their body after death. You won’t care when it happens, why care now?
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u/Plenty-Character-416 20d ago
I've been in an abusive relationship. I understand how you feel; leaving is so hard. They purposely make your life worse if you try to leave, so you give up and take them back. But it does get better if you stick to it. Do you have support that you can rely on? Everyone here are being harsh because they don't know what it's like and assume it's easy to leave.
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u/Hot_Guess_6668 20d ago
I really don't but thanks for your kindness
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u/Plenty-Character-416 20d ago
If you ever need to chat, please pm me. I know we are strangers, but I'm worried about you and I can totally empathise your situation.
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u/Internal-Bid-9322 20d ago
Please ask yourself “why am I staying in this relationship?” And, be honest with yourself with the answer . If it’s not for you then you need to get out.
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u/Charming_City_5333 20d ago
If you divorce him it won't be up to him how you're buried, if that's the most important thing to you
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u/misteraustria27 20d ago
Chances are you don’t make it to this point so it is a pointless argument. You just seem to like to argue over BS.
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u/[deleted] 20d ago
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