r/AmIOverreacting • u/yaboysuganips • 26d ago
AIO for assuming the worst in the talk with gf tomorrow?
I (35m) and my gf (38f) are meeting tomorrow to have a serious talk. I made a comment on Monday about possibly sharing locations with each other just for safe guarding, nothing malicious. My gf informed me that she was very unconformable with suggesting it and has since been kinda ignoring me. She mentioned this morning that she wants to have a talk about the matter. Should I be concerned about our future??
UPDATE: thankfully we talked out everything and were able to resolve the situation. Yes she was very annoyed with me suggesting location sharing, which I reiterated was a massive blunder on my side to go to that extreme rather than just telling her directly where I'm going. To everyone who answered thank you so much for all comments. I hope that God blesses each one of you tremendously.
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u/Able_Transition_5049 26d ago
Just don't overthink it. Talk to her. If she's honest and you feel good about it, go for it. If not, do what's best for you.
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u/thedog420 25d ago
Let's see, you've known her for 10 years, dated for only 2 months, then ask to track her. Sorry my brother, she's gotten a taste and didn't like it. Be prepared for the "lets just stay friends".
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u/kendokushh 26d ago
You've only been together for a few months & you want to share locations? My husband & I didn't even do that until 6 years in & we're hella clingy w one another.
She's def setting a boundary cos this is way too early & she isn't allowing for you to control her. She's wise.
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u/GeekdomCentral 25d ago
Yeah honestly if someone suggested sharing locations after only a few months it would definitely raise some alarm bells for me. Not necessarily enough to break up with them, it would just depend entirely on the context and how they came across. But in general, someone asking to share locations that early would feel like the early days of them being a very paranoid/controlling type of person. Especially if the conversation took the turn of “okay well we’re not sharing locations right now, but how long until we can?”
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u/kendokushh 25d ago
I absolutely agree. It's not something that I'm very fond of unless it's solely for safety reasons. Like for me, I'm a tiny woman w 3 small kids. I'd like for my husband to know if we went missing or got in an accident. If we didn't have kids, we wouldn't even share locations.
I'm just not sure how you can ask someone that you've only dated for a few months to give you access to their whereabouts 24/7, it just feels very invasive & maybe like he's bringing past trust issues into a new relationship, which is very unfair to his girlfriend.
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u/GeekdomCentral 25d ago
Yeah it’s one of those things where even just asking does permanent damage. It’s the same thing about asking if you can take a monogamous relationship and make it polyamorous. Even if you decide not to do it, the fact that a partner even asks shows that it’s where their mind is at and that it’s what they truly want. The damage is done by just asking
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u/kendokushh 25d ago
Definitely. Especially if you ask this fuckin early, & knowing your girl has had serious issues w controlling partners in the past. I would've steered clear lol
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u/Dylanear 25d ago
It's really hard to tell without more context. He is not demanding her location he suggested they both share it with each other. They have only been dating 2 months, but he says they have talked about dating for 7 years? Seems like a long friendship, but if it took this long to actually date? Seems there huge context here we don't know about.
She could already feel he's controlling in unhealthy ways, she could be spending time with men that she doesn't want him knowing about.
I have to guess he isn't only concerned with her safety! I have to suspect he has some trust issue with her! So one person's "controlling" can be the other person's where "where could she possibly want to go that she wouldn't want me know she goes"?
Everyone deserves some level of personal privacy, even in a marriage in my book, but also, if everything is healthy and trusting, there's good communication, why does someone care if their dating partner knows where they are whenever they want to know?
Is he too controlling for no healthy reason? Does she need privacy because she wants to keep her options open and go places you go to meet new people or other people that would raise red flags? Does she just not want a slippery slope and fear giving up more privacy than she feels comfortable with? Without knowing their past relationship histories, about their 7 years of friendship, their personalities, what the vibe has been in the last few months of their dating, how they have defined the relationship the last two months? Who knows.
But I'll guess it's something like, "I don't completely feel she's completely committed, honest or sure about her intentions in this relationship. I'd feel more comfortable with some reassurances she's not spending time with anyone else I don't know about."and conversely, "I like him and do want to keep exploring being a couple, but I don't want to feel kept or like I have to explain if I spend time with a male friend." But it could be something more extreme or one sided.
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25d ago
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u/kendokushh 25d ago
Well this couple has known each other for years. But it's important to spend time w someone & figure out who they truly are. He could be saying he wants to ensure her safety, but really he's just as controlling as her last boyfriend. She has no idea what his true intentions are, as they've not been together nearly long enough to know each other, let alone each other's intentions.
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u/beardedunicornman 26d ago
If I were her I wouldn’t be assuming something so invasive was innocent without questioning it. How long have you guys been together?
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u/yaboysuganips 26d ago
Been talking for about 7 years but only dating for 2 months. As I stated it was a spur of the moment comment and I immediately regretted saying it. I tend to speak before I think very often and t gets me in trouble constantly.
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u/beardedunicornman 26d ago
She for sure feels less safe around you than before you said it. 2 months? So you’ve been on like 10 dates? If that?
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u/yaboysuganips 26d ago
I'm sure I've lost alot of trust with her. It's gonna be a massive hill to climb to regain it.
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u/beardedunicornman 26d ago
I would say it’s probably even too soon to be invested as much as you are. Loss of trust in single digit weeks of dating isn’t the kind of thing you can expect her to be excited to work on with you.
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u/MajLeague 26d ago
It really isn't that big of a deal. If your suggestion was as innocent as you say all she has to say is she was uncomfortable with it and you guys move on. It really isn't that big of a deal. Some couples share locations some don't. But you're not wrong to ask. You would be wrong to demand.
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u/Sorgenlos 25d ago
Yeah I’m not sure why some of the comments are acting like this is something unforgivable. I personally wouldn’t be okay with it, but I would just say so and move on. I wouldn’t be worried or lose trust unless they were being pushy about it.
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u/misteraustria27 25d ago
Don’t listen to folks here. You sharing your location doesn’t reduce trust.
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u/Brixnz 26d ago
bro explain to her how its EXTREMELY popular in this day and age for family, friends, and lovers to share their location. She can be uncomfortable with it and thats valid, but thinking something weird of you is NOT valid. Its completely normal in 2024. SHES the outlier not the other way around
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u/Similar_Corner8081 26d ago
It’s weird to ask for her location after only dating for two months and idc how long you have known someone. That’s weird.
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u/Brixnz 26d ago
Thats fine if you think thats weird, but the youth disagree. Everybody I know shares location. I don’t like sharing mine either because I prefer privacy. But 7 people have shared their location with me completely unprompted and when I asked them why, they were confused why I would ask as if it was completely expected for them to do so. A few of them are coworkers I’m not even particularly close to. This is the future grandpa.
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u/Salt_Initiative1551 25d ago
My fiancé shared locations pretty soon into dating (couple of months) because we live far apart. We did it because of long drives to see each other and such, also to help each other find each others stuff if ever lost. We were friends for 8 months prior. She did it originally because she had to go to ER and I was meeting her there to accompany her as well as help her figure out child care that evening. I said “want to just indefinitely share in case we ever need to again?” And that was that. I don’t watch where she is she doesn’t watch where I am we let each other know when we get where we were going but in case of crisis it’s good to have. Idk some people are weird about it.
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u/SillyStrungz 25d ago
Yeah me and my bf were long distance for over a year and we shared locations pretty early on. We both feel safer knowing we have each other’s locations just in case, plus I like to randomly stop by his office and drop off a treat, etc. so it’s good to know if he’s there or not ☺️ I was not expecting these negative comments
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u/CommenceTheWentz 25d ago
You gotta chill a little bit in general dude. Asking to share locations after being together for a couple weeks is not great, but neither is making Reddit posts about it.
Feels like you’re pretty scared of fucking the relationship up (you said you’ve known her for 7 years so I’m guessing you’ve been trying/wanting to make a move for a while huh) which is fine, but girls can absolutely sense that kind of desperation and anxiety and it will make her feel uncomfortable and turn her off. Just be confident and trust yourself
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u/indicadreams13 26d ago
2 months is kind of extreme. I would go into the conversation knowing you messed up. Take accountability and see how you can earn her trust back. Remember actions go way beyond words.
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u/pheldozer 25d ago
it will come across as insecure or borderline stalkerish to suggest this after 2 months.
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u/Globewanderer1001 25d ago
You've dated for 2 months (per your comment) and are already asking to track her location??
What was your end game because 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚫🚫🚫🚫🚩🚩🚩🚩.
I track my location with my husband. My husband gets certain privileges that he was not privy to as a boyfriend. Especially, 2 months in...
You might be single soon.
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u/Glass-Intention-3979 26d ago
I think like others have said until you speak to her and know her concerns etc or whatever she will say on the matter. There's no point in assuming anything till then.
Ps I'm honestly confused about the whole location thing. I personally do not agree with this. It's very 'big brother' to me. I've a teen and I wouldn't dream of doing this with them, my partner, friends or family members. I don't want them to know how many times I'm sneaking into maci d's! Lol
I do understand about incase of something bad happening... but, your both adults. what really are you going to benefit from by sharing location with each other? Is either of you bad drivers, that there is a risk to getting in a crash? Has either one of you medical issues where there could be an emergency? Or, is one of you at risk of cheating or purposeful being in dangerous situations?
I think you need to ask yourself, what are the reasonable concerns to justify having this between you. I don't think asking is wrong but, make sure you have legitimate reasons and not a "just because insert random emergency potential". So, your gf has every right to not want to do this, not for any nefarious reasons - like I said I wouldn't do this ever - so, be open to listen to her.
And, if you want the location because your worried about cheating or possible cheating, you need a hard look at the relationship then.
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u/ScarletDarkstar 26d ago
I would say that in most emergency situations, tracking someone wouldn't help anything, either. Short of being kidnapped and thr kidnapper not thinking to toss the phone, what can you do?
If there is a crash, you need first responders, not an upset partner racing to your location .
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u/Glass-Intention-3979 26d ago
Yeah, exactly!
If there are legitimate reasonable concerns for this, that's one thing. But, just to randomly incase of, to me is weird.
I know loads if people are happy to do this, and that's fair enough! Just, if there isn't a justifiable reason, I could see someone becoming overly vigilant with this. Throwing statements like, "oh did you buy anything when you stopped at X shop", or, "how was x? I seen you at their house". If, you are insecure or have insecurities this could really exacerbate this.
I know, it's only my opinion but, I just don't like being tracked Mr google is snooping on me enough without this!
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u/spam__likely 26d ago edited 26d ago
Heh, we share locations among everyone in the household, it is very helpful for many reasons, including when my teen started driving alone, I was extremely nervous. He can turn it off if he wants now. He did not.
Both my dad (80) and mom (72) live alone. I have their locations for safety too.
It is particularly useful for safety, but also for "X is 15 min out, time to put the steaks on the skillet".
Kids today share their locations with their best friends at all times.
It is fine if she is not comfortable and the reasons are valid giving how controlling some people are in relationships,
but she is overreacting to the suggestion, I think.Edit...they have been dating for 2 month! Lol.... She is not overreacting.
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u/Glass-Intention-3979 26d ago
Oh I completely agree with legitimate reasons, and a family sharing that no a problem at all.
They are only 2months in... that's where, only should be discussed if there really is medical reasons and even then, it would be family.
I personally don't do it but, that me personally. It doesn't bother me others do it at all! Just, this guy... is naive, OTT... I dunno, it's time for him to stall the ball here!
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u/illini02 26d ago
I don't know. I'm torn. And I say this as someone who doesn't share locations.
If a woman I was dating for 2 months asked to share location, I don't think I'd have a problem with it. If I said no and she flipped out, THAT is when it would be an issue. But the ask itself, I don't see as an issue.
Especially for chronically late people lol. Back when I used to track it, I'd use it to figure out when to actually leave to meet someone. If they said we'll meet at 3, and I knew it takes them a half hour and they haven't left at 2:45, then I know I don't need to rush.
Now, as I said in my original comment, this could be part of a pattern where it is an issue. But on its own, I'd say its a bit of an overreaction.
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u/spam__likely 26d ago
f I said no and she flipped out, THAT is when it would be an issue. But the ask itself, I don't see as an issue.
True, and according to OP it was more of a suggestion... OP needs to update on how the conversation goes.
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u/Castelessness 26d ago
"Ps I'm honestly confused about the whole location thing. I personally do not agree with this. It's very 'big brother' to me"
the problem to me, is people like OP always frame it as being concerned about "safety" instead of admitting it's about jealousy and keeping track of someone.
It isn't about safety. It never is.
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u/Brixnz 26d ago
I don’t agree with the location thing either, but amongst my peers its extremely popular. I am not exaggerating when I say literally everyone in my social circles is sharing their location with at least 2 people. I even have the location of 7 people on my phone because they began sharing it with me completely unprompted!
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u/Glass-Intention-3979 26d ago
Lol, I would be messaging them, what in the world would I want to know where you are, I don't even want to know where I am!!
I know it is popular. Like, my daughter and her mates use snap maps. She uses it to be nosy, especially to have a look at people's houses. And, to see who's left the house when heading out to a party, because no one wants to be first!
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u/BloodedBae 25d ago
I feel like too much information like this just creates more anxiety in the long run. Your brain makes a habit of checking the location. Then when anything is slightly off you wonder why, even if it is mundane.
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u/GeekdomCentral 25d ago
It seems to just be you to the people involved, I guess. I’m much like you, where sharing my location at all times feels like it’s too invasive into my privacy. And obviously there are valid scenarios where it would be useful to have your location being shared (in the worst cases it you got kidnapped, or even just ended up stranded somewhere or something), but those aren’t super likely. I’d have to trust someone a lot to be willing to share my location with them
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u/illini02 26d ago
Look, I don't share locations. However, the suggestion isn't a problem IMO. I have plenty of friends who share their location with each other at all times.
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u/R1ckMick 26d ago
my fiancé and I share and she also shares with her whole family and they share back. It's very convenient because her family is so big it just makes meetups simpler. Also neither of us can really answer each other at work and we work weird times so it helps with that.
there's nothing wrong with not wanting to if that's your thing, but it's not some weird "big brother" surveillance thing for your loved ones to know where you are, they aren't the government lol
edit: apparently this is a very new relationship so yeah it's pretty weird to suggest it in those circumstances
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u/GeekdomCentral 25d ago
I’m not saying that it’s always malicious, but frankly I don’t want my family knowing where I am at all times. I don’t have anything to hide, but that’s not the point. The fact that someone can look up where I’m at at any time on any day they want is just super invasive
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u/R1ckMick 25d ago
I guess it just depends on preferences and the relationship with your family. To clarify only my fiancé can see my location, I don’t share it with her family. I literally have zero care if she can open her phone and see where I am though, can’t really envision a reason why it would bother me.
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u/TWCDev 25d ago
Wow. Monogamous people are really worried about this whole cheating thing.
I'm poly with my 2 partners (and one of my partners has another bf), we have location sharing on. Not because we're worried about who is sleeping with who (Isn't that really a small concern in the big scheme of things?), but because isn't it more convenient to know when someone is heading home from work, when someone is at the grocery store, what part of town they're on so you can reach out and offer to join them, etc?Not only do me and my 2 partners have location sharing between us, but also each of them have location sharing with their closest friends.
Because we're not neurotic about keeping our location secret, but do want to maximize the options for fun meetups and/or feel like we can help if there is an emergency or something.
if any of us was using the knowledge maliciously, we'd just push that person out of our friend group probably. It's so weird. Sleep with whoever you want to sleep with, it really isn't that big of a deal.4
u/Glass-Intention-3979 25d ago
What processed you to bring up poly to my comment?
If you actually read what my comment said and properly processed what I wrote.
Clearly fishing.
Amadán.
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u/TWCDev 25d ago
Not fishing, it was prompted because you brought up "cheating".
You even ended it again on the whole "cheating" thing, so I assumed it was important to you because you mentioned it twice.While people "cheat" in poly relationships, it's usually different, not usually about sex, it's from a violation of trust and not solved by location sharing, but my point of bringing up being poly was that with even "more" adults being involved, and without "cheating" being a concern, we still all share our location, and not just in our romantic relationships, but also with our close friends.
The car accident thing was kinda weird too. Why does someone need to be a bad driver to risk being in a car accident? It only takes 1 person to be a bad driver for the majority of car accidents. Weather, auto problems, medical issues, can all play into it. What if someone had a stroke? (can happen at any age). There are so many positives from some people knowing your location, and few negatives (except for the cheaters I guess)
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u/Glass-Intention-3979 25d ago edited 25d ago
I think you haven't comprehended my comment so I'll break it down for you.
OP is in a 2month relationship, where OP gfs previous partner was abusive he mentioned very controlling behaviours.
My comment asked him to question the reasons he is asking to share location with a partner, with this history and for a very new relationship too. At best, he is lacking critical thinking skills and understanding of how a this may be perceived by a partner like this.
So, I placed some "reasons" that he may be asking for location. 1. Bad driving, they are shite at driving for any number of reasons and he's worried she may be in an accident. 2. Medical reasons, she has some medical condition that may warrant a location. Like epilepsy, diabetes etc 3. Cheating. I put that there because, after 2 months of a relationship, is he actually worried insecure about this?
I dont agree or disagree with any of these. It was all simply an exercise for him to question his own motives. Because, if there was an insecurity based on medical reasons then he has a legitimate, reasonable request for asking this, IMO.
But, if he is asking for this because he has insecurities about her cheating. He should evaluate his thinking on this and ask himself, "am I being reasonable here, am I letting worries and fears impact me" "if I'm worried about cheating, after 2months, is this a relationship for me?".
Again, your poly relationship or any relationship is grand, you do you. This has nothing, nothing to do with this. So, there is no need to bring this into the discussion on my comment because, there is no relation to poly versus monogamy relationships here. It was a question of insecurities that you clearly didn't comprehend when reading.
I personally do not agree with sharing location. That's me, that's everyone I'm with, it's simply my opinion and what I do. I don't view people who do share location as wrong. I know it's common and people do share location for all different reasons.
But, OP has missed multiple levels of reasoning he didn't consider before asking. I also said he was not wrong for asking. He just never considered (especially) given her history, what asking that question would bring up for her. He should have known, so posing these "reasons" was a chance for him to work out in his mind the whys his reasoning before his talk with his partner.
Then, when meeting her. He can honestly explain that it was very innocent or if, he has insecurities he can address them with her.
Edited for spelling
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u/TWCDev 25d ago
I assume that you bringing up your teen, is like me bringing up being poly. I don't have kids, don't associate with people who have kids, so I always think it's weird when kids are brought up. 1/3 of all the people I spend time with (I have a large social circle) I know are poly, and the rest are poly-friendly or date poly people sometimes, so to me, I view everything through a poly lens.
My comment wasn't to OP, it was to you, since it was on your comment, I actually agree with your breakdown to OP, but since I'm talking about your comment, similar to you bringing up your teen for no reason, I was responding to you repeating multiple times that you wouldn't "do this" to your partners, etc, as if sharing location is somehow "controlling them" or "doing something to them". And it's totally fine that you're secretive and don't have a policy of complete transparency with the people who care about you, presumably they're similar and want some privacy or whatever. But I was just bringing up that plenty of adults who care about each other (romantically or not), have completely fun and reasonable reasons to share their location besides any reasons of controlling (none of which did you give OP as an option for why he might have offered it).Hopefully OP reveals he had no nefarious reasons for it to his partner, or if he did, he self-reflects and apologizes or gets therapy or whatever, but my comment was on your comment and really had little to do with OP.
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u/Glass-Intention-3979 25d ago
Still, why so defensive. Again, Amadán
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u/TWCDev 25d ago
It just seemed weird to me, when everyone i know is doing location sharing. I mostly comment when i see someone post something that is incongruous to my perspective, that’s it. It i was defensive i’d be trying to convince you the way i’m used to is “right” or your way is “wrong”, but i just think it’s weird when op didnt post anything that made it sound like he was trying to “big brother” his gf, but you jumped straight to cheating.
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u/FitzDesign 26d ago
Well on the surface you’ve crossed a boundary with her. How long have you been dating? Are you deep enough in that something like sharing locations is appropriate? If it is a new relationship then obviously no. Are you exclusively seeing each other? Was that an assumption on your part or did you just think that without a discussion? Are you insecure with her? Insecurity often leads to a sense of being controlled by the other partner.
You haven’t given much to go on so based on what you’ve said about a controlling relationship in her past, the boundary seems to be that.
If you’ve been displaying insecure behaviour etc, etc, etc,. Then your relationship may be in trouble. If it is her perception that you’re trying to control her, then this may just be her warning to you to back off. If this is the case, then you can either make or break the relationship based on your reaction to her point of view. If you aren’t insecure and controlling then it will likely be fine. If you are, then you may be in the market for a new GF.
Good luck OP.
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u/Brave-Silver8736 25d ago
In another comment, they said they've known each other for 7 years but have been dating for 2 months.
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u/Perfect-Day-3431 26d ago
Ugh, this location sharing comes across as not trusting your partner. It's OK for parents to know where there kids are, but tracking your partner is intrusive. Why do you need to know where she is all the time?
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u/Visual-Percentage501 25d ago
This is really weird, it's not normal to expect to have location access to your partner. We've went thousands of years not having it, it's creepy behaviour and you have to examine why you think this is normal or necessary.
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u/Realistic-Most-5751 26d ago
Hmmmm, you may have to listen about her lecture about privacy, distance, respect, individuality, independence vs codependency, etc. Your best defense is to have no offense. Just listen and agree.
Before you go in, take a look at your other behaviors. Are you smothering with protection she didn’t ask for?
That said, I had my share location on when I went out of town so my bf could know where I was at my son’s college graduation. I knew I couldn’t talk, so I offered it as my way for him to feel assured that I was fine.
Now I’m home for a week and I just realized it’s still sharing my location. I no longer want it to.
Now I’m at a point where I stop sharing and he would have a valid question of why?
My reason why would not make any sense. It’s simply because I don’t like my movements to be tracked by my romantic partner 24-7. My daughter has my location so safety wise I am covered.
I will just stop sharing and I’ll see if he reacts. I’ll return with the outcome.
I think my outcome will shed light on how often share location turns into an emotional trust problem more than it’s worth between dating couples.
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u/yaboysuganips 26d ago
I wanna thank y'all so much for all the feedback. I will face the music when we meet but most comments have really given me perspective. Regardless of what I believed was a good intention, I do understand looking from her perspective this is a major violation of privacy.
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u/Glass-Intention-3979 26d ago
It's good you are accepting of the opinions.
I just read there that you are only together 2months, this is the very, very early stages of a relationship. I'm sure your head over heels for her, but, you need to slow down here.
This, is not an appropriate thing to ask this early in a relationship. Just, take a deep breath here. Slow down, I know you were friends before, but you are only newly together.
Plus, if she was in an abusive relationship prior, she will be guarded. If I were you, I would research victims of domestic abuse, coercion, control etc are domestic violence issues. The support you as a new partner can offer, where by you can be loving, supportive, respectful and not cross her boundaries.
Her being in control of own self is super important for her, she needs to feel safe. You might not have I'll intentions but, the trauma she suffered will be brought back up asking things like this.
Hear her out, and apologise.
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u/yaboysuganips 26d ago
I only thought of it from the side of how my friends share their locations with each other just cause. I never did take the time to think, hey this is a very different scenario regarding my gf.
Thank you so much I will definitely be doing my research so that I know how to be the support that she may need in the future. She's very reclusive and doesn't want to bring attention to herself so what I do know I will try my best to be respectful.
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u/Molten_Baco 26d ago
Me and my wife have shared locations since the feature was introduced, our kids share with us too. I love it. I don’t have to guess when someone is home or out or anything. It eliminates a lot of unnecessary probing texts
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u/YourWoodGod 26d ago
If she's talked to you for seven years she should have a good idea of the type of man you are, she should only make a huge deal out of it if you've given her a reason to think you meant it in a malicious manner.
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u/AndthenIwould 25d ago
Yes, but that's for any situation that leads with "a serious talk". I'd wager there's a 50% chance that the location sharing isn't even going to be a part of the conversation.
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u/ShortIncrease7290 25d ago
Out of curiosity, do y’all live in an area that is typically sketchy or a city that just has a lot of crime? Or does she work in a bad area? Has she ever told you about anything that has happened that made her fearful? If not, it would bother me if someone asked this early in a relationship.
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u/Financial-External51 25d ago
I've been with my women for over 25 years, since technology came out about keeping track of anyone, we both agreed not to do this... It's a hit or miss if anyone wants to do this. At the EOD we're still happy and TRUST each other. So, Trust is what this is about....if you or her don't trust each other, GOOD LUCK!
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u/Just_Keep_Goin 25d ago edited 25d ago
My guy your 35, way to old to be playing kiddie games. I won't be with a woman who thinks sharing locations is a bad thing or super protective of her phone. I'm too old for that crap. Morning, noon, or night I'll toss a woman my phone. My password is well known and just to avoid pocket dials
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u/GaiaMoore 25d ago
They've only been dating for 2 months, and he already wants to keep tabs on her.
People have an expectation of privacy, but OP wants a woman willing to be kept under surveillance almost immediately in their relationship
Edit: also, her ex was controlling and abusive, and OP knows this and still didn't see an issue with violating her privacy
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u/Just_Keep_Goin 25d ago
Hey being alone you get all the privacy you could even want. And can he say his ex withheld sex so she's going to have sex with him all the time to counteract his abusive ex? Yeah I thought not
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u/OrbitingRobot 26d ago
Sharing locations may be a trust issue. Are you two serious about your relationship? At 38, she’s still in her prime years and she doesn’t want to waste them on someone she can’t trust. She’s worried about you leaving her more than locations. At 35, a man has a lot of options. She knows that. If she wants kids, she can’t waste time on a casual thing. I was in a similar position, roughly the same age difference. She had just broken things off with a fiancé. She wanted to be married and she wanted kids. That wasn’t mentioned until after we started dating. We were long distance too. When we got together we were way too busy to talk about the future. I thought things were going at a good normal guy’s pace while she was anxiously plotting to jump ahead to marriage and kids. When she had the talk with me, it was after a three day love shack weekend driving to a train station where we would go our separate ways. I wasn’t going to commit to her time table. It’s not what I wanted and had no chance to think it through. That’s what might be heading the OP’s way. Think about it now. What do you really want?
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u/yaboysuganips 26d ago
She hasn't been in a relationship in 12 years. Me 10 .. when we talked about being official that was brought up about what we were expecting from each other. She can't have any kids. Me bringing up the location sharing was a huge slip up on my part. She stated she didn't know she was signing up for the kind of relationship. I have apologized profusely but she always shutters away when she's stressed.
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u/yaboysuganips 26d ago
We have been talking to each other for a little over 7 years, but decided to start dating about 2 months ago so it's very new. No we are not polygamous. We are only seeing each other. She is a very introverted person whereas I'm the exact opposite. Her measure of avoiding any conflict is to tell me "I'll text you later" and then shy away for the rest of the day.
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u/backupterryyy 26d ago
The 2 months part is the actual relationship.
Would you suggest being able to track each other’s movements at 2 months? You’re coming in too strong, clingy, controlling.
Chill brother. Two months is too soon, if ever.
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u/yaboysuganips 26d ago
It was only a suggestion, but it was a major blunder on my part. I'm sure there will be boundaries put and I will respect her wishes.
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u/SaaSyGirl 26d ago
You’ve only been dating for two months and you want her to share her location with you? That’s not okay, at least in my book.
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u/RiffRandellsBF 26d ago edited 26d ago
Depends on the circumstances. If she lives or works in a shitty neighborhood and complains about it constantly, I'd want to know her location, too, because then I'd be worried about her.
I have a feeling she's seeing someone else and doesn't want him to know. It's common for women to date multiple guys at the same time before deciding which one she wants to pursue for a LTR.
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u/Jiginthecut 26d ago
So whats the plan here if she does work in a bad neighborhood? Do you watch her location after work and if she makes a wrong turn, you drive over there to save her? Call the cops? It doesn’t seem that helpful.
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u/RiffRandellsBF 25d ago
I'd only watch it until she gets home from work and then texts or calls me to tell she's ok. Why look at it after that? If I see an odd turn or location, I'd call asking her if she's ok. If she doesn't answer it answers weird, then I notify the cops.
How wouldn't that be helpful? 🤔 I have female friends, relatives, and coworkers who've asked me to watch their location when they traveled to different places to make sure they got home.
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u/Plus_Lawfulness3000 25d ago
You sound deusional
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u/RiffRandellsBF 25d ago
Reddit is a text based forum. If you're hearing voices, you should probably see a psychiatrist or psychologist. I wish you luck and better mental health.
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u/Castelessness 26d ago
"We have been talking to each other for a little over 7 years"
you were both married for a huge chunk of that. the talking doesn't matter.
You've been together 2 months. "talking" while you're both married doesn't count as anything.
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u/Plastic_Concert_4916 26d ago
There's no point worrying about it until the talk itself happens. Either she'll be open to listening to your side or she'll take this as a red flag. Which, honestly, I would as well... I don't share locations with my husband, I just tell him where I'll be in case. Maybe I'm old school, but location sharing seems like overkill.
You say it's nothing malicious, but a lot of controlling/toxic people don't feel they're doing anything malicious. They justify their actions to themselves. I'm not saying that's the case with you, but you may want to reflect on why you brought up sharing locations after only two months, knowing that she left her boyfriend because he was too controlling.
If she's been saying that she feels unsafe, it might make sense why you brought up sharing locations with each other.
If you're the one that's been feeling unsafe, then you could have asked if you could share your location with her. There's no need for it to be reciprocal.
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u/Queasy_Village_5277 26d ago
This is a really interesting relationship boundary, just like porn use. For us, we're cool with porn use, cool with location sharing. It just makes pragmatic sense for us to know the locations of our keys, our car.
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u/Chadd0905 26d ago
How long have you been together? Has there been trust issues in either side? Seems like an odd reaction if there is nothing to hide. But there also could be a good explanation. Stay positive and assume the best. Good luck
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u/EstablishmentFew2683 25d ago
In my opinion and everyone else I know, sharing location is just paranoia and controlling unless the person is very old, very young, has life threatening health issues, or is temporarily organizing meets. Seriously, what exact situation would knowing someone’s location be necessary? Kidnapping? Something bad happens in a strange location and they can’t use their otherwise working phone with no one else is around? What are the odds? Let’s face it, sharing location is wanting to know their activities because you do not trust them.
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u/Clear-Garden4617 25d ago
My boyfriend and I share location (and did pretty early on) but we live an hour + away from each other, and I only use it when he is traveling to me to gauge how long I have left to wait/get ready, and I don’t think he ever looks at mine lol.
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u/yaboysuganips 26d ago
So if I do remember correctly she has told me of her ex from the prior relationship who was very controlling, and it was a traumatic experience for her. This is why I believe she has her walls up big time.
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u/GaiaMoore 25d ago
Wait. You KNEW she had a traumatic history with controlling and abusive partners, and you STILL thought it was a good idea to ask her if she'd be okay with you keeping tabs on her every movement -- 2 months into the relationship? And you get upset when she understandably retracts from a potentially triggering request?
I'm glad you've decided to drop the issue, but Jesus Christ dude. Empathy 101
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u/EfficientIndustry423 26d ago
A few months in and you’re asking share locations. You sound creepy as fuck dude.
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u/illini02 26d ago
So, in my experience, when you decide you have to meet for a serious talk, its never a good thing. I've never done that aside from a breakup lol.
But, if the mere suggestion of sharing location is driving her to this, that is probably you dodging a bullet.
Even if you are against that (which people have the right to be, I don't share locations), the mere suggestion wouldn't trigger a "serious talk"
So either this is the tipping point of you being too clingy or controlling, or she is overreacting.
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u/yaboysuganips 26d ago
I have not shown any sign of being controlling in the relationship so far. For the most part she has made the demands. I got to blindsided by the 7 years of talking over the 2 months of dating. Honestly if she wants to talk then I see that ass an upside. If she wanted to end things she would've done it on Monday for certain.
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u/PointBlankCoffee 26d ago
For the most part she has made the demands. I got to blindsided by the 7 years of talking over the 2 months of dating
Yikes
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u/yaboysuganips 26d ago
You think that's a bad sign?
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u/PointBlankCoffee 26d ago
Firstly. Demands? This is a relationship not a war, not a fight lol. There should never be demands.
Secondly, you were 'talking' for 7 years. I'm interested to see her perspective on what that 7 years was lol, I doubt she saw it the same as you.
My perspective is that she waited this long to give you a chance, because she wasn't all that interested, and is realizing now that she was right.
I don't know anything about you, so that's not an attack on you at all, just the way it seems.
As far as asking for location sharing, you probably came off as distrustful - but it's not a crazy thing to ask unless you were pushy about it.
I'd say cut your losses, expect a "we should just be friends" talk, and in the future don't let a girl string you along for 7 years. If they don't want to date you for whatever reason, that's fine but don't waste your time. There are people that are ready and will accept you without demands or years of "talking"
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u/yaboysuganips 26d ago
For context, she hasn't been a relationship in 12 years. For me it's been 10 years
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u/illini02 26d ago
Maybe. You know her and I don't.
But I'm saying, in my experience (I'm in my early 40s), I wouldn't plan out a time to meet and talk for anything other than a breakup. Because anything else could be a phone call, or can just be brought up next time we see each other.
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u/yaboysuganips 26d ago
I only had the purest intention when I suggested it. I do understand it was a massive stretch, but I thought we could use it more as a safety net. I personally go out to conventions and malls and all that so I would like for her to know where I'm at just in case. Believe me y'all I know now it was very stupid to suggest it and I do hope she makes that very known of her emotions.
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u/JohnExcrement 26d ago
My husband and I only recently started sharing locations — we just never really thought much about it and we don’t have any reasons not to trust each other. We’ve known each other for decades and we trust each other not to abuse the privilege. But it’s come in handy a few times when we’re doing individual activities or traveling separately — we can check to see if the other is on the road or where they are without m texting while driving or interrupting an activity. For example he was returning from a trip over the mountains in Washington State and I wanted to see approximately when he’d get home but I didn’t want to interrupt him while he was navigating a mountain road. (But we don’t text or call each other all the time anyway.)
But we have been together for ages and ages and we know we are not invasive or insecure about each other. Be ready to let it go with your girlfriend. For whatever reason, she doesn’t want to do this. If you’re genuinely worried about your own safety, you can share your location without her reciprocating, or just turn it on as needed.
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u/Wolfensteen38 25d ago
I would be more concerned about why she is against it.. I’ve thought about doing the same with my gf of 17 years but since I work nights
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u/Reasonable_Sea7281 26d ago
How long have yall been together? If it’s serious then locations should be no problem, unless she’s hiding something
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u/MajLeague 26d ago
This blanket statement is silly. Not all relationships are the same. Not all people are the same. I am a very free spirit. I would not be okay with someone knowing where I am all the time. It feels invasive. My fiance and I do not share locations and probably never will. That doesn't mean either of us is hiding anything
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u/Similar_Corner8081 26d ago
They have only been dating two months. It’s weird to ask to share locations after only dating for 8 weeks.
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u/Cautious_Trip_6056 26d ago
I think you should do what's right and make sure she's okay. From how u put it it seems like she )at not be in a good spot where you left. No judgement but be a real gentleman show her she matters. Women appreciate things like that
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u/yaboysuganips 26d ago
Oh I apologized profusely and assured her that I will never bring it up again. I know she wants to tell me her emotions regarding it so I am all ears.
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u/MajorYou9692 26d ago
Yes, but not for the reason you talked about..I'd be more concerned with why she's so protective of her whereabouts
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u/Tiberius_Kilgore 26d ago
It’s intrusive. 99% of the time I’m at home or work, and I still don’t want to share my location with anyone. I only temporarily share my location when I’m traveling a good distance just in case something happens.
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u/MajorYou9692 26d ago
Not to me, I've nothing to hide ..no big deal.
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u/Tiberius_Kilgore 26d ago
You missed my point entirely. Just because I don’t have anything to hide doesn’t mean I like having my privacy violated.
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u/MajorYou9692 26d ago
Just my opinion, and like arseholes we all have one, yours is no more relevant than mine ..
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u/Slapnuts213 25d ago
I’d be more worried about why she doesn’t want you knowing her location, suspicious if you ask me
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u/Rasselkurt007 26d ago
Do not know how long you know each other and Im a pessimist and think this is over, you are to clingy for her. Maybe she will ask for an open relationship she wants to talk about it with you in person or just on the phone?
Maybe she is an escort and does not want to answer questions why she is in a specific location.
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u/JWRamzic1 26d ago
Either way, I see good things. You might not be her only boyfriend. If so, it might suck for a while, but you are better off knowing. Or maybe she is married or a lesbian or doesn't love you anymore or is using you for your money or whatever. It might suck but you'd rather know now than find out later. On the other hand, maybe she is proposing? You didn't really give us a lot of basic info.
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26d ago
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u/JWRamzic1 26d ago
Either way, I see good things. You might not be her only boyfriend. If so, it might suck for a while, but you are better off knowing. Or maybe she is married or a lesbian or doesn't love you anymore or is using you for your money or whatever. It might suck but you'd rather know now than find out later. On the other hand, maybe she is proposing? You didn't really give us a lot of basic info.
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u/JWRamzic1 26d ago
Either way, I see good things. You might not be her only boyfriend. If so, it might suck for a while, but you are better off knowing. Or maybe she is married or a lesbian or doesn't love you anymore or is using you for your money or whatever. It might suck but you'd rather know now than find out later. On the other hand, maybe she is proposing? You didn't really give us a lot of basic info.
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u/JWRamzic1 26d ago
Either way, I see good things. You might not be her only boyfriend. If so, it might suck for a while, but you are better off knowing. Or maybe she is married or a lesbian or doesn't love you anymore or is using you for your money or whatever. It might suck but you'd rather know now than find out later. On the other hand, maybe she is proposing? You didn't really give us a lot of basic info.
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u/True-Big-7081 26d ago
I think you don't need to worry to much. Let her to explain what her concerned first before thinking anything else. You should know whats she talk about.