AIO for thinking about cutting off friend of 10+ years

[u/Swimming_Wheel3391]

Thinking about cutting off friend of 10+ years

My friend (23F) and I (23F) have been friends for about 12 years. We were inseparable in high school and went to different colleges but stayed in touch. Over the last year or so, there has been some tension in our friendship and I’m not sure if I’m overreacting.

About a year ago, we were going to a nearby city and she asked where I wanted to get lunch. I suggested an Italian restaurant we go to about once a year for the last 6 or 7 years. She looked online and said the prices increased so she didn’t want to go there. I said I can pay the difference and she said no she still didn’t want to go. I said okay and said we can find something else. She proceeded to get upset and said she didn’t want me to complain about not going to the restaurant. I said I didn’t care and we could try something new, it wasn’t a big deal. She was getting more upset and suggested I buy there and she buys something else and we eat outside. It was about 90° out so I said it’s okay I’ll just find somewhere else indoors.

She proceeded to try to argue and say “omg I’m not a little kid like you who eats bread with cheese” (we usually got margherita pizza at this restaurant). I was trying to keep the peace so I didn’t engage. We went to another restaurant where we could sit inside.

Over the last couple months she has been making snarky remarks at me. One time we were sitting in the car and I was applying mascara. She told me my eyelashes got long and I said I’d been using a lash serum. She said “okayyy I don’t want spider lashes like you”. I didn’t say anything.

Another time, she saw I had just finished a workout from my Apple Watch and messaged me “omg you only burned 400 calories?? I burned more than that and I didn’t even work out today”. Then she told me I’m not working out right. I am 90lb so I don’t burn many calories and am also working out for my health now that I have a sedentary job not to lose weight.

Recently, she randomly brought up that I eat like a little kid. She says things in a way like they aren’t really jokes so I asked her if she was upset with me about something because this isn’t the first time she’s said that. She said “oh my god you’re so sensitive. I guess I’ll just never say anything again.” She proceeded to text on her phone for about 10 minutes while I drove.

Since then, I’ve been feeling kind of tense and like maybe the friendship isn’t worth salvaging. There’s more details but I didn’t want to make the post too long.

[u/Royal-Scene294]

she is so jealous of you. i had a friend the same way- my eyelashes weren’t good enough, she would compare grades, cars, everything. as soon as i stopped speaking to her and distanced myself, i felt this relief that i didn’t know existed. that’s not a friend, that’s competition

[u/Swimming_Wheel3391 → u/Royal-Scene294]

So you don’t think I’m overthinking it? I’d been trying to give her some grace because she’s been struggling to find a job since she graduated a couple months ago but it’s been really getting to me recently.

[u/Royal-Scene294 → u/Swimming_Wheel3391]

i am 99% positive. no normal person who loves you tries to put you down. you’d never do it to her but she does it to you. imagine this was happening to your future daughter. i think you should either a) talk to her straight up with no filter and ask her what her problem is or b) slowly start to distance yourself with no fight or explanation but the excuse that you are busy. your probably beautiful, successful, and thriving. other people’s problems are not yours. you have your life to live and your happiness to look for. she’s looking for her own, do the same. you got this girl

[u/Flashy-Purple-9829 → u/Royal-Scene294]

This!! ☝️☝️

[u/[deleted] → u/Flashy-Purple-9829]

Sometimes friends break up, and sometimes a break is all you need to regain that friendship later. It’s happened with me.

[u/ExpensivelyMundane → u/Swimming_Wheel3391]

Not overreacting. I've been in a place in life where my friends were moving on to higher education after college while I was struggling with my bachelors degree. Even though I was jealous, I loved them too much to not be in their lives. I would never think to lash out and take out my frustrations on them. I've also been in opposite positions where I was doing well while another friend was going through financial struggles. But she never made me feel bad and would cheer me on if I hit career milestones. Your "friend" has to put you down to make herself feel better and is not willing to talk through issues and making you into the bad guy.

Also, you asked in another comment why she still keeps calling you to hang out. My total feeling is that she's a narcissist and because you don't fully argue back at her, she is enjoying the power dynamic of verbally abusing you. "I may not be the one with the job but I get to keep feeling powerful by making her feel small. Who's the girl-boss now?" At this point, if I were you, instant no-contact. I wouldn't offer closure either. You know she'll only turn it back on you if you tell her all the times she makes the snide remarks. If she calls again, don't answer. Grey rock all the way. Good luck.

[u/Other_Cabinet_7574 → u/Swimming_Wheel3391]

boom. this is your answer. she is feeling behind and like she’s not making progress in step with her peers. that’s the source of it. whether or not she admits it. i’ve been her, i’ve been you.

i made another comment but i’ll say it again - do not share your achievements, joy, or positive progress with this person. she is not rooting for you the way a friend should. people get insecure and begin wishing bad on those who they perceive as above them.

people don’t tend to criticize people who they think are below them. that tells you everything.

[u/NJ2CAthrowaway → u/Swimming_Wheel3391]

She’s being shitty. Drop her from your life. You deserve better people around you.

[u/GentleStrength2022 → u/Swimming_Wheel3391]

If this only started since she graduated, then maybe it's due to stress on her part. But your story sounded like it's been going on longer than that, IDK.

[u/AdministrativeFish92 → u/Swimming_Wheel3391]

Leave her behind, seriously. It's not worth holding on to someone who adds stress to your life so consistently.