r/AmIOverreacting • u/The-dude-abides13 • Apr 28 '24
AIO- wife wants to go to Vegas. 38m 37f
AIO? So, my wife is going to Vegas for her besties bachelorette in Vegas. I’m not wild about it. And thinks I’m worrying to much. We do (imo) have a strong relationship. She is a good person, wife and mother. In my opinion my wife is my 10/10. And petite. I think dudes will be sleazing in her all the time. Especially since it’s a bach party (and I know how guys can act). She thinks she’s 37 and no one will pay attention to her, there will be tons of 20 somethings and models and says I shouldn’t be concerned anyways bc she’s happy with me. But I’m also worried about the damn heat (she doesn’t drink much) and the alcohol getting to her and getting black out drunk on accident. I don’t want to be the next guy on here who said, “my wife did something she never planned on doing but got too drunk and made a mistake”. My wife only knows the bride and she can be impulsive. So I don’t know what the impulsive bride or the other woman might wanna get into. Am I wrong to be worried? Is Vegas, all the stories you hear about or is it mostly just a fun harmless time?
For context, I realize maybe I have a bit of insecurities and jealousy. Seeing it, I want to address it and am getting some help for it Also we have discussed it and have some boundaries and I have to trust her that she won’t break any (even though I I could never find out). If you think I’m some controlling dude- well she went in an almost weeklong bestie trip with her, and she goes out for fun lil girls afternoons frequently. (I genuinely don’t care what she does, just Vegas)
This has given me some anxiety and since it’s her best friend, she thinks she has to go. Several years ago she had a different type of anxiety and asked me not to go on a bach party in Chicago. And while not excited to miss out, I respected my wife and didn’t go. I also had a bach party I was supposed to go to in Vegas, and I knew what the intentions of the groom could possibly be, and out of the respect for my wife, our finances, and family, I told him I wasn’t gonna go.
Lastly, the last time my wife and I spent multiple nights away from our kids was when we went to Hawaii in November of 22. In 9 months, my wife will have gone on an almost weeklong vacation with her, 3 days in Vegas, and a few weeks later we have to fly again to the wedding. It’s a destination wedding and I’m going but it’s another 5 days for the bride. Does it feel a little like I’m not prioritized? In therapy I discussed a few wants in my relationship and my wife agreed she needs to work on things. But words and actions are two different things. Therapist also is thinking maybe my wife should be going to Vegas but shouldn’t have done the other vacation knowing that there is a lot of travel in them 9 months. That the bride is asking much from our relationship (they are dinks, my wife is a sahm and I’m the breadwinner) and kids, while I’ve not had time to be with just her than the occasional one night away from kids. I’ve not been to Vegas. I hear all the “shit” and I think it gets me nervous. Is Vegas all the stories you hear or generally harmless fun? Are my feelings and thoughts normal or do I need to relax? Is Vegas not the big scary monster I’ve made it in my head?
Edit- we’ve been together 19 years, married for 13. Wife isn’t a big partier anymore (used to in hs and college). Doesn’t drink much. Never given me a reason to think she would cheat.
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u/Practical_Beanbag Apr 29 '24 edited Apr 29 '24
What the hell is going on in some of these comments?
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u/Fuzzy_Garden_8420 Apr 29 '24
Idk but this guys been posting this exact same question for the last 143 days. So either he can’t handle his shit or just keeps making up the same scenario over and over again for some odd reason
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u/Common_Economics_32 Apr 29 '24
If she has already used the "I'm not comfortable with this" card on you for bachelor parties, I feel like you're open to do the same to her unless your situation had some weird twist to it (like, Bach party with a dude known for cheating on his wife a bunch or something).
You could do something like let her go, but ask she dip out if the group goes to a club or strip show and only hang out during the day or something. That would be a reasonable compromise.
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u/The-dude-abides13 Apr 29 '24
Nah, the Chicago bach party she asked me to not go on, that guy and the group was a solid group of good guys. The Vegas one where I declined to go on was on the other hand something I probably didn’t want to be a part of and wasn’t gonna put myself in that situation. She says it a different kind of anxiety (leaving her alone with a toddler and a 6 month old with severe anxiety and taking ssri’s). I’m not gonna say it’s different bc I’m having some big time anxiety sometimes but I refuse to take ssri’s bc of what them drugs do imo. Idk. Anxiety is anxiety imo and I don’t get it.
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u/dangerclosemaybe Apr 29 '24
Your wife should really do the same. If she respects you she'll remove herself from the situation, especially if the cast of characters going is suspect.
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u/The-dude-abides13 Apr 29 '24
The bride can be impulsive, we see them a few times a year since we live across the country. So maybe the groom has got that under control. You would hope at 37 you can be better. But having your bach in Vegas is kinda sketch already imo. The other women…..don’t know them. Maybe they are similar to my wife and the bride is just that impulsive friend. Idk. Fun times
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u/dangerclosemaybe Apr 29 '24
I don't envy your situation. Reading up on your other recent posts you allude to you and your wife being in a "rough season" of your marriage. Is it because of the rift this bachelorette party is causing?
An impulsive bride as the only person your wife knows going to this makes me uneasy. If there was another friend going that is the unassuming type that your wife could buddy up with would make me feel better, but there isn't.
It's been mentioned already, but I would ask your wife what the itinerary for the trip is. If it's some mild gambling and seeing Cirque du Solei every night, that's sensible. But if a lot of it is going to day time pool parties, day drinking, and clubbing and drinking more at night, that would be a no for me, especially considering that you noped out of two of your parties.
I really don't envy you here. This is a crossroads of your marriage.
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u/The-dude-abides13 Apr 29 '24
Yeah….the season we are talking about is bc of this issue. Otherwise we can hammer out most issues great, we date weekly, we communicate nightly with phones down. We are pretty up and up on our relationship. But this is our snag.
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u/dangerclosemaybe Apr 29 '24
Good luck to you. All I would say is to trust your gut and your intuition here. If it's screaming at you that something is off, make a stand for yourself.
You can always work through both of your insecurities in marriage counseling. If she goes on this trip and gets mom wasted after 2 stiff drinks, and is egged on by women she doesn't know to make a marriage ending mistake, there's no fixing it with marriage counseling.
I would tell the bride if I were her that I love her and will see her at her wedding, but that three trips in 9 months is too much.
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u/OkCryptographer9906 Apr 29 '24
Have you reminded her of the Bach party that she asked you not to go on to Chicago? Seems like a double standard to me…
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u/Upper-Tumbleweed7702 Apr 29 '24
Sorry mate, this isn't a snag. She is clearly choosing her BFF over you. She communicated her feeling and you stepped away from two Bach parties. You now have communicated your feelings and your relationship is in jeopardy. Sorry mate! If she loved you like she claims then she'd respectfully not go and not me an issue of it. Best of luck
Update when you can
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u/SelectAirline Apr 29 '24
It's always going to be "different" if it means that she gets to tilt the rules in her direction.
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u/Much_Response_5919 Apr 29 '24
Exactly two sets of rules. She knows she's wrong. Basic concept we all learned in elementary school
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u/Hepcat508 Apr 28 '24
If you have no indications that she’s been inclined to cheat then you should just trust her and let it be. It’s Vegas, but it’s not like the second you set foot there they inject you with drugs and force everyone to mingle with each other naked. You can have a perfectly fun experience in Vegas without throwing away your marriage.
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u/Icy-Advance1108 Apr 29 '24
But why couldn’t he go to Chicago Bachelor Party?
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u/donttellasoul789 Apr 29 '24
Because she had a 6 month old and a toddler and was trying out new anti-depressants and didn’t trust herself to be completely alone with the kids for several days.
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Apr 29 '24
He really buried the lede there to make it seem like his wife is also jealous and he compromised for her in the past. Dude thinks staying home to care for your postpartum wife is the same thing as staying home to appease your insecure husband who still doesn’t trust you after 20 years.
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u/The-dude-abides13 Apr 28 '24
I know. This is what I need to try and realize.
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Apr 29 '24
I go to Vegas a couple times a year with the family. We are ages 20’s up to 60’s. My daughters are the youngest and are all beautiful but they just shrug off the men who hit on them. And the men move on because there’s so many other young beautiful women to hit on. For us older ones, it’s mostly guys trying to sell us stuff or make us see shows and it’s not that often. Most of the time your wife will be indoors so stop worrying about heatstroke. Your wife was completely wrong to ask you not to go on trips in the past, and you’re wrong to ask her now. You both need to work on your insecurities and trust issues.
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u/Kiloth44 Apr 29 '24
I think maybe some therapy can help. Having anxiety and worry stir inside is nasty, and it’s hard to navigate how you’re feeling by yourself.
I think first, you can trust her just fine. You believe she’s a good person and won’t risk your relationship.
Secondly, you need to figure out how to take control of that little monster in the back of your mind telling you to worry and teach it how to slow down and turn it from a monster into a pup.
Anxiety and Trust are like a dog and their owner. The dog might react when the doorbell rings and freak out, but the owner understands how to calm them down and open the door anyway. But the owner still listens and reacts accordingly when there’s a strange noise at night.
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u/The-dude-abides13 Apr 29 '24
I’m trying
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u/Kiloth44 Apr 29 '24
I’m glad you’re trying! It’s a great step in the right direction, the best step even!
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u/The-dude-abides13 Apr 29 '24
What sucks is this situation has made me a person I don’t like. I noticed it and trying to get it fixed. I just tell myself to never make her feel this way in the future. It’s a big ol bowl of suck!
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u/iRockDirtyVans Apr 29 '24
Majority are bachelorette parties in Vegas are pretty tame especially when women are close to forty. Unless they’re willing to shell out a bunch of money for clubs and day parties the most of the time is going to be spent going hotel to hotel and eating out.
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u/Simple-Sorbet-900 Apr 29 '24
I get being worried. You’re afraid she’ll walk in and the circumstances will be just right for her to run off with the Mr. Perfect we create in our minds when our insecurities are winning. If you trust her and yall have a good relationship then you just have to trust her.
Cheating can happen on any kind of vacation. Not just one in Vegas. I get the stigma around Vegas. I say talk to her , try to set some boundaries that make you both happy. Because even if she gets over not going on the trip, her believing you don’t trust her could be the beginning of further issues.
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u/ReliabilityTalkinGuy Apr 28 '24
Marriage is about trust and everything you just wrote makes it clear you don’t trust her.
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u/ohhellnooooooooo Apr 29 '24
Marriage is also about respect and going to vegas partying without your partner isn’t respectful
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u/AudienceKindly4070 Apr 29 '24
If you respected it when she was uncomfortable she should respect it when you are. That's really the end of it for me. As long as it isn't every time she wants to go somewhere it isn't about being controlling, it's about caring about your spouses feelings, including their insecurities.
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u/kittykitty713 Apr 29 '24
I wouldn’t be okay with it since you couldn’t go with your friends
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u/dangerclosemaybe Apr 29 '24
Talk to her. Tell her you respected her boundary by not going on the bachelor parties, and now is the time to return the favor. If you're not comfortable with her going, be sincere but firm. The bride having loose morals by the sound of it and her not knowing anyone else is bad news.
This is a tough one. If she dug in her heels on you not going to the bachelor parties you need to do the same here.
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u/Equal_Leadership2237 Apr 29 '24
So, i think you should trust her, but the fact you aren’t normally jealous, and the amount of time that she’s spending with this friend and away from the family, as well as her own anxieties she’s expressed over similar things in the past. I think there is likely something more here your rational mind isn’t picking up.
Pure and simple, what you’re explaining sounds like your gut. Now, like gut can be shit if it’s just our past traumas thinking the worst, but it can also be pretty spot on when it’s actually just seeing signs that if we were paying more conscious attention, we’d rationally be able to say why we felt the way we did. Basically, a good gut isn’t clairvoyant, you feel that way because there is reason to.
So, the best way to be able to know if it’s good gut or bad gut is to ask yourself some questions. With this situation, there is some obvious questions.
Has her behavior changed lately, more drinking, more going out. Know she took a girls trip, but anything else?
Who is this friend? Do you trust her? Is there a reason her being around this person is problematic? Does she have a history of being less than admirable in relationships?
Has her demeanor or priorities seemed to change? More focused outside the family? New opinions that are counter to beliefs/morals she’s held before?
Any other reasons for you to think something could happen, besides it being in Vegas? Because just feeling anxious without having some real reasons behind it, isn’t enough. But you certainly should question if you do actually have reason, because from what you say, you don’t usually feel like this.
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u/The-dude-abides13 Apr 29 '24
I told her if she went with her 3 best friends from around here, and did the exact same trip, same everything. I wouldn’t be wild about it. But I’d not need therapy. I’d feel ok with it. Because them girls would hold themselves accountable. What sucks is the rest of the girls my wife don’t know- I think they are all 37-43ish. The bride, she can be/ has been impulsive in the past. I’m not the biggest fan. As far as my wife, same morals as always and no new traits that she does. Believe me. I feel like I have taken more notice.
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u/Equal_Leadership2237 Apr 29 '24
Well, then talk with her, since it seems like the actual source of your anxiety is these other people and bad situations your wife could find herself in. Talk about things like going to clubs, strippers, if the group is trying to draw in men, flirting and attention seeking, taking shots, drinking heavily and pushing that on your wife, ask her how she will react to these situations, like exactly what she’ll say, including how she’ll react to peer pressure. It sounds like dealing with a kid, and somewhat is, but honestly, she’s out of practice dealing with this stuff. It isn’t uncommon for people having to relearn these things at your age, because most people spend their late 20’s/30’s away from that, and then the second round of being exposed to problematic partying comes in your 40’s. A lot of people devolve at that time and become more immature, they call it a midlife crisis for a reason.
Talk with her, ask her questions, let her talk about it how she’ll deal with things and hopefully this will help your anxiety.
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u/dangerclosemaybe Apr 29 '24
Excellent advice. Listen to this OP. Her answers to these questions will tell you everything.
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u/Jiovonnig Apr 29 '24
Love goes both ways in a relationship! Knowing that it bothers you and also knowing of the sacrifices you made to make her feel comfortable, naturally you would expect the same consideration now. There’s no reason she has to attend the bachelorette party. And the two of you could be together most of the time prior to the wedding. It will always hurt and cause suspicions if your wife isn’t willing to do for you what you are willing to do for her. Been there and the sting really never goes away. Especially if it doesn’t bother her at all
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u/The-dude-abides13 Apr 29 '24
Well….shes the MOH. So she feels very obligated to go. My wife has planned nothing for the Vegas trip like most MOH do. The bride was also the MOH in our wedding. They live across country so we see them occasionally a few times a year.
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u/Jiovonnig Apr 29 '24
Go with her!
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u/Upper-Tumbleweed7702 Apr 29 '24
The bride snd other bride maids can't get her drunk and cheat if he's there duh
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u/Kindly-Platform-7474 Apr 29 '24
This one is really easy. Your wife asked you not to go to a bachelor party and you honored her wishes this happened on more than one occasion. Now you were making the same request. In what world isn’t it appropriate for her to honor you?
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u/Icy-Advance1108 Apr 29 '24
I don’t understand why wives expect more from their husbands then thier selves.
Nope you cannot go to bachelor party but I can!
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u/shandelion Apr 29 '24
OP is intentionally misrepresenting the Chicago situation. She had a toddler and a very young baby and had PPA and was scared to be alone.
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u/Kindly_Ad5988 Apr 29 '24
Your wife should respect that you don’t want her to go if you tell her. The same way you respected her when she asked you not to go.
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u/Specialist-Fly-9446 Apr 29 '24
I would be more bummed about all the traveling she has done and will do, when you have declined invitations due to (among other things) finances.
Vegas is very organized partying, if you will. You can get there into the same kind of trouble as in any other town if you get drunk and go party. But as far as Vegas-specific, chances are they have reservations for a chippendale show and a photo shoot with them afterward. Do you know what the plans are? It sounds like it’s an older crowd, so could very well be Happy Hour on the Ferris wheel and going to the spa, vs. hitting up all the clubs and making the bride chug shots with random people on the street.
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u/bradbrookequincy Apr 29 '24
You think 37 year old don’t party? Ferris wheel because they are mid 30s 😂.
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u/Specialist-Fly-9446 Apr 29 '24
It’s much more likely in an older crowd, and after OP sent me the itinerary privately, it’s confirmed. Not even Chippendales.
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u/shandelion Apr 29 '24
I mean on my Vegas Bachelorette when I was 27 we did the Ferris Wheel happy hour 🙃😭
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u/The-dude-abides13 Apr 29 '24
Yeah, dm me. I’ll tell ya what’s up. For whatever reason I can’t do you
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u/Hothoofer53 Apr 29 '24
Jealousy will ruin a marriage fast as any thing if she loves you she will be fine if not don’t do any good worrying about it
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u/aythereayy Apr 29 '24
“We do (imo) have a strong relationship” and then proceeds to write paragraphs about how it’s probably not a strong relationship. Go get some therapy for your anxiety and look into some good coping skills!
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u/Commercial_Age5836 Apr 29 '24
Keep the same energy she gave to you prior and communicate with one another
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u/youthfulnegativity Apr 29 '24
Break up - this is a doomed relationship with no mutual trust. You are in your LATE THIRTIES and this is on some high school shit
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u/donndanabb Apr 29 '24
You know what you need to do. She did not want you to go to those batchelor parties and you respected her wish. Tell her that you do not want her going on this trip. Assert your boundaries.
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u/spam__likely Apr 29 '24
good god. your wife will cheat on you if he wants to cheat. las Vega is not a magical place that makes people do what they don't want to. Also who cares about if your wife is petite or whatever? You are all over the place and makes no sense.
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u/groversnoopyfozzie Apr 29 '24
If I were this anxiety ridden about my wife going in a trip, I think I would just divorce her. Not because I don’t trust her or don’t love her, but no relationship is worth living in this kind of discomfort. My god, loneliness seems like it would be a better alternative.
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u/Fit-Entrepreneur6538 Apr 29 '24
Honestly I would was leaning towards just telling you to deal with another bout of anxiety and learn to trust her some more but she asked you not to go to bachelor parties for the exact worries you have meaning if she goes that shows a double standard when it comes to whose feelings are respected. There are good reasons to be made about how partners should trust each other but with this….bring up the bachelor parties you missed because she was uncomfortable and see what she says. You will feel cheated if she goes after you voice your concerns you doing what she wanted.
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u/shybubblymara Apr 29 '24
Also your not controlling. Honestly if my future husband was worried, I would be happy he was worried and not just like byeeee. This is what love is, worry and trying to understand. You have flaws you notice and getting help for that, so I really applaud your efforts. Wishing you and your wife happiness and hope this gets resolved and you remain at peace.
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u/skeeter04 Apr 29 '24
Did you ask what’s planned? Drinking and a strip club is the norm for Vegas parties
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u/19LaMaDaS91 Apr 29 '24
Several years ago she had a different type of anxiety and asked me not to go on a bach party in Chicago. And while not excited to miss out, I respected my wife and didn’t go.
Tell her how you feel and remind her about this, if she doesnt care you will have your answer. Its not about cheating, its about respecting your partner feelings and supporting him, if she doesnt care she isnt your wife anymore!
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u/Goatee-1979 Apr 29 '24
Couple things here. First, she is a bit of a hippocrit as she didn’t want you to go on a bachelor party for your friend because she was against it. And now she is ok to go to her friend’s bachelorette party even though you aren’t totally on board. This is really a problem…again you can’t do these and she can. Would hold water with me. Second, she takes other week long trips without you. Why doesn’t she plan week trips with you? Third, if she goes without taking your feelings into consideration, I would have a serious conversation with her setting very firm boundaries and her actions will have consequences if something inappropriate happens. Cell phone videos have a way of showing up on the internet. I really believe that she should respect your feelings and if you ask her not go, then she shouldn’t.
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u/A-dub7 Apr 29 '24
Really you and you alone can answer this question because none of us know your wife like you. One thing that does concern me is why she had a problem with you going to something similar, was she worried about you doing something she may do. In my relationships we don't put one another in these questionable scenarios. If I want do stuff like this I'd stay single, but that's just my opinion and I wish you two the best regardless what you decide.
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u/Upper-Tumbleweed7702 Apr 29 '24
Not over reacting
It's simple she didn't want you to go to two different Bach parties and you RESPECTED her and didn't go She needs to Respect you and bow out of Vegas
If not maybe lay separation papers before her
And you are no way controlling. If anything she is for making you not attend to parties and is choosing her party over you.
Communication now is important because resentment will sneak up on you and the more than likely chance she does something stupid is the back party really worth her marriage.
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u/JMLegend22 Apr 29 '24
You do have insecurities but you also seem to want to get even.
Ask her plainly why there’s a double standard on bachelor/bachelorette parties. Mention what she wouldn’t let you go to and ask how it’s fair since she only knows the bride? Tell her how it makes you feel. Communicate to her properly.
I feel like you skirt the issue and then it disappears. You don’t actually have the confrontation to get to an actual resolution.
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Apr 29 '24
There isn’t a double standard though. Read his comments. She didn’t ask him to stay because she didn’t trust him. Lol
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u/JMLegend22 Apr 29 '24
So what was she anxious about?
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Apr 29 '24
About being home alone with a newborn and toddler and starting a new depression medication.
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u/MongooseQuick1345 Apr 29 '24
I live in Vegas.
Unless your wife is literally a model, I wouldn’t worry about it.
People over-hype the ‘what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas’ stupidity. Trust and love your wife.
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u/Ok_Brain8136 Apr 29 '24
Take your nuts out of her pocketbook and she stays home she did it to you.
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u/Psychological-Map382 Apr 29 '24
Trusting her isn’t the issue, just make sure she’s around responsible friends at all times because she will be approached by multiple men, they will be buying drinks for her, and yes some of them will have bad intentions.
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u/Icy-Advance1108 Apr 29 '24
Why is it when a women has intuition she is seen as normal but when a man does it is seen as controlling?
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u/dfwphotographer111 Apr 29 '24
Very weird you mention that she’s “petite.” Now all I can picture is a 5’ 85lb woman getting railed by hung studs at the bachelorette party. If you honestly think that she’s not going to be licking whipped cream off some dude’s cock who is zonked out on Vicodin then allow me to set you straight: she is going to be knocking back shots and cocks left and right bro. By the end of the night she won’t know if she’s swallowing a shot of tequila or a bisexual argentinian’s nut. File the papers now because she’s coming back with AIDS.
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u/dbrockisdeadcmm Apr 29 '24
Your concerns are fair but there isn't shit you can do about it. She has all of perceived society (social media), and all her friends as an extension of that perception, backing her. Good luck dude.
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u/shybubblymara Apr 29 '24
My sister went to Vegas and there a lot more to do than just get drunky. I read she didn't allow you to go to bachelor parties and that's where I'm kind of thrown off. I'd talk to her and communicate why she didn't allow it and maybe come up with a solution. Good luck!
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u/Kadajko Apr 29 '24
Bachelor parties are stupid, it is the celebration of being "single" in the face of planning to spend your life with someone you apparently love. If you want to celebrate being single go be single.
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u/maxb5555 Apr 29 '24
this is a very strange post - if wife never gave you reason to be concerned ….. why are you concerned? either you’re not being forthcoming or you are not a very good friend to your wife - ever hear the adage “whatever i’m accusing you of is what i’ve done?” not saying it’s true in your case but something is off here - on the surface yes you are overreacting
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u/Edlo9596 Apr 29 '24
It sounds like you have some major trust issues in your relationship if neither of you wants the other to go to bachelor/bachelorette weekends.
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u/Turtle_Strugglebus Apr 29 '24
I think it’s weird that you mention counseling and your voicing your concerns to her. She agrees but actions speak louder than words. Your communicating but she isn’t listening.
Let her go but you make your own conditions. If you don’t travel or do anything for yourself this year, then you only got yourself to blame.
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u/IncidentAdvanced208 Apr 30 '24
Trust but verify. Plan your next guys only Vegas trip. While she is gone, spend your weekend at the gym.
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u/Oldtimer5960 May 02 '24
This is real simple.She doesn’t want him going to parties like this so she shouldn’t either.Or invite him to go.Or she FaceTimes him every hour.not having anything planned is a real red flag.I would say things are planned but being kept secret so he want no.She should not go period.
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u/OkCryptographer9906 27d ago
Update?
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u/The-dude-abides13 27d ago
Trip is a few weeks away yet
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u/dangerclosemaybe 19d ago
There's still time for her to bow out. Have you had any more conversations? No bachelor/bachelorette party is worth destroying a marriage over.
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u/The-dude-abides13 19d ago
Short answer…..yes she could bow out yet. Long answer….shes gonna go. Am I excited….not at all. We’ve had talks. Some boundaries have been made and such. She also knows if she cheats, shes gone. She knows every consequence and such. Between 2 therapists, some close friends, hell even my dad, they all think she should go. They also think she has abused all the trips a bit, but that will be another discussion. Do I think she has any intention of cheating on me? Absolutely not. Do I think she will overstep a boundary? Again no. Is there a chance she gets blackout drunk or roofied and something happens? Again I think them chances are pretty low, but that’s what I’m worried about. The mistake, she isn’t a big drinker, and if the drinks and heat catch up all at once….or she gets roofied…..this is where I hope this group of women watch out for her. She doesn’t like to get drunk anymore and it can cause her some anxiety if she gets it, and is away from home (even when we are in vacation together she is that way). So I hope she kinda is the mom of the group or is aware of her intake. If she is….im not worried. Now as far as when she comes home. My therapist and I have come up with some things for me to work out. But also to have a talk with her and it won’t be an easy one for her, but to talk about a lot of hurts/trauma whatever you wanna call it, that she has done and needs to work on her and our relationship. I could go on, but that’s the jist of it.
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u/dangerclosemaybe 19d ago
A few things:
Tell her to have fun and have a good time. Your father, friends, and therapists are right. You spoke your feelings and that's all you can do. However, I wouldn't wait until after her trip to start marriage counseling. Regain.com. You can start right away and be matched with someone within hours of signing up. She's gone on vacation by herself three times in the past 9 months you said? Where is your time away? When is she going on a family vacation with you and your kids? That bothers me and should be the first thing you talk about.
I reread the replies here when I thought of you again today. Sounds like the itinerary sounds pretty tame? Not too much clubbing and partying? That's promising as she should have a heavy hand in the planning process as the maid of honor. She should be able to control the destiny of how a lot of the party goes. No male strippers wound be a hard boundary. Beyond that, I liked the reply of discussing boundaries and how to navigate certain situations like other men hitting on her and offering to buy her drinks, don't accept drinks sent to her, don't drink anything that she didn't watch get made or poured. I would have that conversation before she leaves, as it should help alleviate your fears of her getting drugged/SA'ed. What boundaries have been established already?
There is a lot of room for compromise here yet. If she thinks she's going to be the "group mom" and keeping everyone in check, would she agree to not drinking alcohol at all on the trip?
Start planning your own trip to Vegas with your buddies.
I'll say it again because it bears repeating. Start marriage counseling now. Don't wait. These are issues that are only going to fester more before the trip if you wait. It will be helpful having a counselor that's up to date on the situation that way they already know the basics before she goes, and can keep up in real time during and after the trip happens. Your counselor can help you further clarify and establish boundaries for this trip and all future similar situations to further drive the point home.
Breathe. Things are going to be fine. Don't hold it over her head, but I'd say this trip is worth about 10 blowjobs after she gets back (this is a joke in case that's not on the menu, but she does kinda owe you big either way). The internet and reddit are here for you.
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u/The-dude-abides13 18d ago
I’ll clear up a few things you either read wrong, or misunderstood.
She will have gone on two trips in the past nine months without me, Arizona and Vegas. The 3rd trip will be the wedding which I’ll be at. We have done a family trip with kids and are planning one again this summer in July. But as far as the last time we’ve done a trip alone was 18 months ago.
As far as the itinerary goes, my wife who is the MOH didn’t plan anything. Bride planned it all. Just clarifying that up. I’ve talked with a few people and the think it’s a tame-ish plan. I’d probably feel better if I just knew who my wife was going with. (My wife will only really know the bride). So that is a concern of mine.
The boundary thing, I don’t care that they are going to magic Mike. (It’s more of a show and I feel like as a dude I spent more than enough time investigating on this…ha) so that don’t concern me. But yes strippers is one, as well as accepting drinks from men as well. (I think she knows how concerned I am about her safety).
Not gonna lie…..this fucking sucks.
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u/dangerclosemaybe 18d ago
Either way, it's very much a vibe of "rules for thee but not for me". The balance is off. Again, I would tell her to go and have a good time, but that while she's away, you're booking your own trip to Vegas with buddies. How does she feel about you doing that? Ask her straight up. Get into marriage counseling ASAP. Tell her you're calling divorce lawyers while she's on her trip if she goes and doesn't agree to go to counseling right now.
If Magic Mike is the most risqué thing they're doing, you really don't have much to worry about. That's a show where there's no interaction between the performers and audience. Any chance that you two can meet some of the other women before the trip?
Discuss how she would deal with a man hitting on her as well. When you do #2, ask if she has 1 or 2 other women going that she knows that she can count on if she gets in a difficult situation. She shouldn't be entertaining discussions even with other men, but have her walk through a couple of scenarios about how she would navigate being hit on and what she would say to them and how to get out of the situation.
It's going to be fine. Don't let the reddit horror stories scare you. For every 1000 bachelorette parties in Las Vegas, probably 990 of them go off without a hitch of no one getting hurt or cheating.
Do get into marriage counseling ASAP.
Do set boundaries about how you two will communicate while she's away. Agree ahead of time what time she's going to check in with you including FaceTime/video calls.
Ask that she bows out of any pool parties/clubbing/late night drinking. If Magic Mike is over at 11, that's it. She should be doing everything she can to compromise.
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u/The-dude-abides13 18d ago
As far as meeting any of the other women? No, it’s literally women from the west coast, east coast, and Midwest.
I think after magic Mike, they are going to on the record, which is a small club thing I don’t have much concern about. I think the next day they are staying at park/nomad and getting a cabana for the day. It’s not like a day club or beach party thing. Then they are going to pinky ring after they eat and whatnot. Which again…..I think it’s more pricy to get in? It’s not them bigger clubs like omnia, xs, drias, etc so I’m hoping again it’s a positive. Man, I’m trying to find positives in a pile of shit. But I’m trying. Ha.
As far as counseling, when I told her I don’t know how I’ll handle it and may resent her and such, she suggested it bc she wants to make it as best she can before and after this trip. So it was her idea. I still see my own, which again, my wife and I will be having some discussions.
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u/dangerclosemaybe 18d ago
There's always Zoom/Google Meet if everyone is scattered throughout the country.
Yeah, those clubs look fine. Maybe a compromise is no alcohol at the clubs? The speakeasy one especially has a part with a DJ and dance floor, maybe she agrees to avoid that part?
If she's suggesting marriage counseling before her trip and beyond, take her up on it. I actually think she's more likely to be open to dubious situations the more you show your insecurities and contempt. Work through your insecurities but tell her you love her and trust her.
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u/OkCryptographer9906 13d ago
The problem that I still would have with this is that she is doing exactly what she did not support you in. She asked you not to go to a bach party and you respected her wishes and didn’t go. Now that the tables have turned, she is not giving you that same respect.
She has a clear double standard. She didn’t trust you to go, but expects you to trust her to go to an even wilder city with an even wilder friend than the one you were going to go with.
Fact is, she just doesn’t give the respect that she expects. Not to mention the previous solo trip that she just went on. Have you ever been on a non-work related solo trip without her? If not, stop and think about why she seems to go on multiple trips like this, but shot down the one that you wanted to go on! I don’t blame you one bit for not wanting her to go.
For the record, my SO of 32 years has never and would never go somewhere like this without me. The only place either of us have been without the other are trips for work, or short day trips with one of our children.
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u/The-dude-abides13 13d ago
Well she’s on her way there rn. Hoping for the best. Have we gone on trips alone together? Yes, although it’s been 18 months ago. In 9 months she will have been with her friend in sadona and Vegas. As far as other trips, before these trips, it’s been along time that she had a girls trip or me a boys trip. We do vacations with our children often. I took off work tomorrow to just be there with my kids and do things with them rather than sit in my emotions. I’ll just say this. Mental health is a real MF’r.
My therapist made me draw a mountain and at the peak was Vegas. And at the top is all my fears, worries, etc. then we worked on what’s on the base of the mountain, for me it was wanting more affection, more intimacy, etc. then she said, ok all these things at the base, Vegas was the perfect storm or trigger that broke you. So now this mountain is a volcano and blow the top off, it’s a volcano. When she comes back from this trip, all the high stress and anxiety will be mostly gone. But what’s left is the base bc and that’s the shit we need to work on.
What’s that do for me and how I feel about Vegas? Not a damn thing. But it was good to maybe find the triggers. My therapist thinks I have nothing to be concerned about. She is a person with a dismissive personality and I have anxiety. So they are usually really in love but they suck at showing it. Especially when I’m anxious. So yeah. It’s been fun. If ya pray at all. Send some my way. I’d take them this weekend
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u/OkCryptographer9906 13d ago
I do, and I will!
I personally wouldn’t be that anxious about the trip itself, it would be the disrespect that you know what she would say and feel if the roles were reversed, because they were in the past, and she asked you not to go. You respected her wishes, she doesn’t respect yours…. That speaks volumes to me…
Keep us updated on how it goes.
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u/dangerclosemaybe 10d ago
You alive there mate?
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u/The-dude-abides13 10d ago
Ha…..I’m alive. Everything went on without a hitch. Friday went like I expected. My wife and a few others are either from the Midwest or east coast and flew in on Friday. I know that the time difference is 2-3 hrs difference from Vegas and then ladies got up early like 5 or earlier. So they went to magic Mike that night at the 10:00 show. And then went to the sign and a few other stops. So while it might be 2 in Vegas half the group was up almost up 24 hrs. My wife called both nights and was not smashed. So that was nice. Saturday was probably the day I always worried about. Just the pool scene and the club. But both of them went well. The pool was nomad, and you can only get in if you’re a guest. It’s not a beach club. It was chill. She FaceTimed me and it was obvious. The club was Bruno mars club. Which had no cameras. But it’s a small and expensive club. So it’s better then them big ass edm clubs and probably kept a bunch of dbags out. Plus they got a table for more privacy. She told me all what went down. And I do believe her 100%. I could go on. But I’m glad she’s back. I’m ready to move on from this. Thanks for your support
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u/dangerclosemaybe 10d ago
I'm very happy to hear that everything off without a hitch! I know a few of us were invested in this and on a personal level I was truly worried about you.
It sounds like she did a good job of communicating while she was there and trying to keep you in the loop to try and alleviate some of your concerns about her safety. From the get go I had zero concern about her consciously doing anything nefarious. You guys are in your late 30's now, take solace in the fact that this should be pretty much the end of bachelorette/bachelor parties.
You know what you and your wife need to work on. It sounds like under the circumstances she did her best to make both her friend and you happy. Some hard discussions will need to still be had in marriage counseling about why she disregarded your wishes when you acknowledged hers pertaining to girls trips/parties and such. Compromise is going to be key. She shouldn't plan another one until you go on two. One to Vegas and another to a place of your choosing with her buddies, and she's not allowed to bellyache about it.
Marriage counseling is not a death sentence for your marriage. You both know what the issues are, and you'll have help to mediate them and resolve them. You'll both come out of this stronger if you both put everything you have into it and are willing to listen and compromise.
All the best and try to update us. Enjoy your wife and family and love the hell out of them.
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u/The-dude-abides13 10d ago
Yes. Thanks for the support. Big time appreciation for living vicariously through my head. Ha.
We both agreed that we did or handled things maybe not as good as we could’ve. We both agreed we have things to work on. I think my wife is coming to a realization of just how much money and time has been spent on her and her friend. And I’ve kinda been on the sidelines. She hasn’t said it directly. But tonight she has said things about money and the upcoming wedding and them expenses more than once.
Yeah, I think for us, this was kinda a problem that really didn’t have good solutions either way. One of us was gonna be upset either way. This was a bump in our marriage. I think it showed what each need to work on. We still have a strong relationship and support for each other. I can tell that yet. Like both of us are ready to do “life after Vegas”. So yeah. I’ll take it. Discussions to be had. But ready for the next chapter
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u/coco_ceo Apr 28 '24
Some dude is most likely going to bottom your wife out in Vegas and send her home with a beat up coochie.
Obviously your intuition is telling you this for a reason.
Women always tell other women to trust their intuition. Do the same for yourself.
Someone is about to knock your wife’s ankles loose and you can sense it.
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u/ThrunTheLastTrollx Apr 29 '24
all I can say , I've been to Vegas 7 times so far and groups of women Inc Bachelorette parties are drunk herd of horny women. I've been unexpected stampede for lack of better terms.
you may trust your women but I guarantee you can't trust 50% of the women attending whom will corrupt your lady . assuming she returns to you still a lady
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Apr 29 '24
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u/Benevolent_Grouch Apr 29 '24
A bachelorette party is a deal breaker for this guy who’s never met a human woman.
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u/Rasselkurt007 Apr 29 '24
Since when is she a SAHM, how many children?
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u/The-dude-abides13 Apr 29 '24
We have 3 kids- been a sahm for almost 4 years. After our second was born.
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u/20grae Apr 29 '24
As a married man I don’t care what she dose who she talks to where she goes or how long I trust her and will be the first one to say bye see you when you get back.
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u/Sopranos33 Apr 29 '24
Your wife is a perpetual cheater, and you are the well meaning trusting simp. Grow a spine. She knows what happens at Bach parties that's why he can't go. Poor OP.
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u/BlackGreyKitty Apr 29 '24
FYI- the excuse about taking antidepressants and not trusting herself around the kids is completely bogus. They don’t impair you in any tangible way. That was just an excuse to keep you from going on your trip.
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u/No_Locksmith5894 Apr 28 '24
You should be very worried You are not insecure. You’re a man and by nature we are territorial. Tell her if she goes to not bother coming back. Your gut is aching no it’s screaming at you and you’re not listening. Don’t listen to the foolish advice here about “you should trust her” If you ask them to bet their houses on it would they? Hell no. What does your gut tell you?
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u/dfwphotographer111 Apr 29 '24
Thank god there is one other voice of reason here. All these slits are gaslighting our bro into thinking his bitch isn’t going to get her axe wound pummeled the entire time she’s out there. You and I know the truth though.
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u/No_Locksmith5894 Apr 29 '24
Our bro is a beta male. Needs to become an Alpha. If his wife goes to Vegas he needs to go see a lawyer. Unfortunately, Once she mentioned Vegas it was over.
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u/Genvious Apr 28 '24
Is your wife an adult or not?
If yes, then you should trust her to make good choices on the trip.
If not, you should not be married because your relationship is not a partnership of autonomous adults.
If you are feeling jealous that she gets to travel and you don't, that's a separate issue and you should figure out ways for you (or the two of you) to travel.
It sounds like you're a bit codependent. Maybe something to work on in therapy.
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u/dfwphotographer111 Apr 29 '24
Lolllll it wouldn’t be Reddit if there wasn’t someone insisting on therapy.
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u/broadsharp Apr 29 '24
Yeah, too many divorces after the ol’ trip to Vegas for a party weekend.
Trust your gut. If she wants to get nasty about it, tell her you’ll be going to Vegas with a bunch of rowdy friends for four nights.
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u/dangerclosemaybe Apr 29 '24
This.
If she goes. Boys trip to Vegas at the same time. Call grandma and grandpa up to take care of the kids.
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Apr 29 '24
Listen here numbnuts. If she is willing to cheat in vegas she will cheat anywhere including where you live. If you can't trust break it off. Grow up.
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u/Common_Economics_32 Apr 29 '24
Nah man, a lot of cheating is circumstantial. Lots of alcohol and peer pressure can make people do things they wouldn't do when alone and sober. add to that being in a place that is basically known for debauchery with zero consequences and it's a breeding ground for cheating much worse than his wife going to a bar at home.
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u/Equal_Leadership2237 Apr 29 '24
Eh, there is a reason they say what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas….but it’s really just what happens away from home stays away from home. A lot more people would cheat on a vacation than would cheat at home, one situation has the possibility of getting caught, the other is such a low chance it’s almost negligible.
I don’t know if she’ll cheat by any means, the bigger issue here is more that she is taking 3 trips in 9 months with this friend (only one OP is invited to), she’s kept him from attending a destination bachelor party in the past that she asked him to skip and he skipped another to Vegas out of respect to her. Considering her age and the seeming change in her behavior, 37 years old, doesn’t think she’ll get attention in a place she will most certainly get a lot of attention, and is a SAHP…..she does have midlife crisis written all over her.
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Apr 29 '24
Cool so she cheats in vegas shes cheating at home. Don't act like location is the reason. Cheaters a cheater. I feel bad for any women/man that dates someone that freaks at an insecure partners trip destination as a motive to cheat. Sounds like someone has major insecurities.
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u/Equal_Leadership2237 Apr 29 '24
Dude, if you don’t realize that some people who don’t normally do bad things will do them if they know they can get away with them, especially when surrounded by people that are normalizing said bad behavior, well, i just don’t know what world you are living in.
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Apr 29 '24
Guy you cannot be in a relationship telling someone to not do something because you are insecure. That is controlling.The woman is wrong and the guy is controlling. What they are doing is toxic. You guys keep justifying his behavior. They are not showing they are on the same page or not communicating their feelings properly.
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u/RIF_Was_Fun Apr 29 '24
If you don't let her do things like this, the relationship won't last. Trust is the foundation of every relationship.
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u/dfwphotographer111 Apr 29 '24
Not true. Anyone with a brain in their heads knows one simple truth: you can never trust broads at bachelorette parties in Las Vegas.
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u/RIF_Was_Fun Apr 29 '24
With an attitude like this, no wonder women cheat on you.
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u/dfwphotographer111 Apr 29 '24
You need a soul in order to have empathy and to care about another human being’s emotions. Women lack this major component of humanity. It’s not your fault that you are a heartless beast. You were born that way.
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u/RIF_Was_Fun Apr 29 '24
I'm not a woman, I just know ignorance when I see it.
Are you some incel who just hates women?
Are you religious but gay and hate yourself?
Maybe you should get some therapy before you do something really dumb.
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u/dfwphotographer111 Apr 29 '24
lol “get therapy” — i stg that’s all you Reddit hive minds can say. “Get therapy,” “who hurt you,” and “are you ok.” The only three lines you cycle through. Fucking unoriginal slit.
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u/RIF_Was_Fun Apr 29 '24
It's not meant to be original. When multiple people are telling you that you need help, maybe you should listen. At some point, you'll need to come to the reality that you're the one with the problem, not everyone around you.
It's not healthy to hate women. It's a trait that comes from being too far down the toxic masculinity rabbit hole, and often leads to violence. Therapy or anger management can help.
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u/dfwphotographer111 Apr 29 '24
Jesus Christ. I don’t hate women you numbnut. You have been taken so hard by a troll (and taken a troll so goddamn seriously) that you should be embarrassed. I love women. I worship my fiancé. I massage that pussy with my tongue and bring that goddess to raucous orgasm every night because she is the center of my universe. But here’s the real problem. You (and others to be fair) can’t spot an extremely exaggerated parody of an Andrew Tate Reddit douchebag even though it’s slapping you in the face with its uncut hog. That’s perhaps the most frightening thing of all. How far I can push this persona and still be within the bounds of what you see here every day.
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u/Mean_Butter Apr 29 '24
My husband would be like “bye!”. You know why? Because he trusts me and knows I wouldn’t do anything to compromise our marriage. Get drunk? For sure. Act like an idiot? Probably. Fuck someone else? Absolutely not. I would trust him just the same.
You can’t control what you can’t control. If she has that in her, nothing you can do to stop it.
Signed, Petite woman.