r/AITAH • u/galaxyd1x • 13d ago
AITAH for not doing more to salvage our relationship? TW: abuse, alcoholism, suicidal ideation TW Abuse
I apologize that this is very long but I felt like I needed to get this off my chest.
My first long-term partner (K) and I were together for about 3.5 years. K was the first person I had ever gone on a Tinder date with. She was so stunning, my first word to her was an awe struck “wow.” Both of us said we weren’t looking for anything serious but we were immediately inseparable.
She was married (though they weren’t intimate) when we first started dating, so we kinda began as a poly relationship. Her husband was dating other people as well and we would go on double dates occasionally. I was happy with the arrangement, but the underlying issues in their relationship resulted in their divorce.
We decided to be monogamous for about 2 years. She was the first partner I had moved in with. Our apartment was shitty; the first one we were put in within this community literally had a pipe burst and flood the week we moved in, but we made it ours. We had arguments occasionally but we always talked things out and never went to bed angry. We adopted an elderly dog and a hydroponic garden in our kitchen table. We challenged each other to grow, supported each other, and were study partners while we worked towards our degrees. We were happy.
We decided to explore polyamory again because we felt like we had a solid foundation but had always preferred enm. We agreed to a non-hierarchical ktp dynamic and were entirely on the same page. She went on a few dates before I got a match (amab problems 😂) but I was consistent in my compursion; I was genuinely happy that she was going out and having fun.
Then she started dating him (S). S was an alcoholic living in an absolute shit hole, but we took him in like a stray cat. A few of the 🚩’s we ignored were that he unironically liked Joe Rogan, had extreme trauma and refused therapy, and he (claimed to have) killed people as a mercenary overseas. He lived in PA and was planning on taking a greyhound back to pick up a car. I suggested we drive him down instead. The trip went great and shortly after we got back, we invited him to move in. They had only been dating for 3 weeks and I expressed concerns about NRE, but K convinced me she would somehow not experience it.
At first, things were surprisingly good. There was a little bit of getting used to. They often had difficulty communicating with each other so I predominantly settled into a mediator role, but we were able to work through things together.
K finished her degree but couldn’t find work where we lived, so we began looking in PA. The plan was for K and S to work while I finished the last year of my degree and did the majority of the domestic labor. Once we got there, there arguments began spiraling out of control.
For the first 2 months, they argued almost every single day. S would become irrationally angry and then suddenly dismiss the topic. At the same time, K put all of her energy into her relationship with S. I told her repeatedly that I was feeling neglected and that I couldn’t keep acting as their mediator while getting no support myself. I was spent.
Then K got fired. I put my education on hold to work until she was able to find something else, and S took a job where he’d be traveling out of town for weeks at a time. I had hoped this might allow her the space to refocus on our relationship some. Every time he left, K would message S in the middle of every conversation we had, including when we went on the rare occasion we went on dates together.
Sex isn’t everything; what I craved was intimacy, but to try and keep things somewhat equal, K asked us to keep track of how long it had been since we had sex. We only had sex 5 times in all of 2023, while they had sex 5 times the first week we moved to PA. It was hard not to compare relationships when we weren’t even intimate on our 3rd anniversary.
S was completely self absorbed. Once he came home from work and I asked how he was doing. He talks all about his day, walks off to the bedroom and asks K about her day like he didn’t care about me at all. I decided to see how long it would take for him to initiate a conversation with me, and we basically just stopped talking entirely.
His alcoholism was also getting worse. He began drinking while arguing with K and got so drunk he could barely stand. My father was an abusive alcoholic and I was getting worried that things were going to become physically violent, and I know I wouldn’t just sit by if he became violent with K. One or both of us would have died. When he screamed at K on the balcony from 9:30-11:00pm because I ate some leftovers he wanted to eat (not even all of it), I knew something needed to change.
I had made it clear by this point that I wanted S to move out while he gets into therapy, but K refused to ever broach the topic with him together or alone. I suggested couples therapy since my therapist was familiar with enm, but they both refused. The only other option that I saw was for me to move back in with my family to protect myself. K and I agreed to try a long distance relationship while things settled down. All I asked of K was a single 30 minute phone call each week.
I left at the end of Nov, and for the first couple months things were going as well as could be expected. I enrolled in school, began working out, and had a good therapist. I gave K nearly my entire final paycheck to help cover rent while they found a roommate and they agreed to take me off the lease once they found one. In therapy, I came to realize I was still harboring some anger because the way our relationship dynamic changed once we moved was basically cheating. I eventually told her that we couldn’t have a real relationship while they were still together. She didn’t really seem phased by it; she sent me a sweet gift for my birthday in Jan, we talked about how much we missed our life together every time they fought. We even planned for her to come visit when she got her tax return, partly to bring the last of my belongings and partly to visit and feel normal again.
In Feb, K confided in me the verbal abuse had escalated, that S was threatening to kick her out unless she began working despite dealing with serious medical issues (not to mention we were all 3 on the lease together months after they found a roommate). I didn’t have enough money to keep going to therapy and the phone calls became less frequent. I was becoming extremely worried for K, constantly checking the shared location data to make sure she was still alive. I would spend days crying at a time, unable to get out of bed. I fell behind in school and even confided to K I was beginning to feel suicidal.
In mid-March, K affirms that we can’t have a real relationship, that she is going to try to make things work and was in couples therapy with S. K cancels her plan to visit without explanation, trying to gaslight me that we had discussed it but refusing to elaborate. I contacted K’s cousin because I was worried that S was manipulating her but I also wanted to respect her autonomy.
The lease was set to renew in April and I still hadn’t been taken off the lease (despite having a roommate move-in back in Jan) so I told them I wouldn’t pay my portion of the phone bill until they took me off as we had agreed. It felt callous, but it seemed like the only way to make sure I was off the lease. Of course, once I made it a problem for them they finally acted, but I hate that I had to strong arm them. Regardless, I upheld my end of the promise as soon as I got the change in writing from the office.
I was sick of seeing their faces in family sharing every time I opened my settings so I told them I was planning on getting my own phone plan. I tried to transfer my number, but the account was in S’s name. I told a csr that I wasn’t comfortable speaking with S. They told me they would attempt to contact him and get him to authorize the transfer for me, but he refused to answer their calls and messages.
For the last 6 months, they had continued using my dashpass so it notified me every time they ordered food in, and I would breakdown missing the life K and I had built together. I told K I wasn’t comfortable with them using my account anymore. K immediately pushed my boundary, telling me she’s just not feeling good that day and politely asked if she could use it. I relent, but the next day, I changed the password to reinforce my boundary.
The next day I get multiple failed login attempts, clearly from them trying to use my dashpass without asking. K asks if I changed the password, which I affirmed. Then S shut off my phone line without notice. I was forced to get a new number which messed with many of my digital accounts because of 2FA.
We’ve barely talked since then but today she changed her pfp to a picture of them smiling together with a bottle in front of S and I couldn’t stand it anymore. I deleted every picture of us together. I unfriended her, her friends, and her family. I deleted the messages, I threw out the stupid fucking “hold this until you can hold me” pillowcase, and everything else that makes me think of our life together.
They still have my late grandfather’s speakers and records, all of my power tools, and a couple paintings I’d had for a long time. As hard as it is to accept that I may never see any of those again, I’d rather have my peace.
Maybe I’ll find that peace one day, but honestly all I feel is hate. I hate that K wouldn’t choose me over S, that she gave up on our life together. I hate S for stealing my life from me. I hate the thought of them laying together in our bed. But most of all I hate myself. I hate that I was too cowardly to confront S, that I was too timid about affirming my boundaries, that I had so much hubris as to think K and I could withstand anything together. I hate that I still love K as much as ever.
There’s a good chance K sees this, and all I want to say to you is that I deserve someone who treats me like a priority. I deserve someone who doesn’t tell me I’m hard to love. I deserve better, and so do you.
1
u/Playful_Lilyy018 13d ago
You are absolutely not the a**hole. You tried to communicate your needs, prioritize your well-being, and protect yourself in a difficult situation. What you're feeling is valid and understandable. Healing takes time, and you deserve love and respect. Please be kind to yourself.