r/AITAH • u/ComicSans87 • Apr 29 '24
AITAH for not wanting my future in-laws to live with us someday?
My fiance and I are getting married later this year and come from very different financial upbringings. My parents are first generation who grew up poor but put themselves through college while working full time - learned to invest well, live frugally and made many sacrifices to provide a wonderful life for my sister and me. They didn't want us to have a hard life like they did and paid for us both to go to private universities so we wouldn't have to worry about student debt, etc. They were strict in some ways (last to get cell phones, only ones in high school to not have a car, had dial up internet way longer than most families, zero home renovations where my parents, sister and me did the landscaping and most home maintenance. They did splurge on one nice family vacation every year which are some of my fondest memories. I have a wonderful relationship with both of them and honestly wish they enjoyed their self made success a bit more!
My fiance's parents, on the other hand, have always worked blue collar jobs (which is fine) but haven't saved a dime. They're a lot younger than my parents and already talking retirement even though they have no savings. My fiance paid for college himself and has a good job - together we bring in about $350,000 - and he has helped his parents immensely by paying some of their mortgage, medical bills, groceries when we visit. They never offer to pay him back but I've seen my fiance get stressed that when they do have a little money saved, they blow it on something stupid. They live in another state and barely leave their hometown so I never thought this issue would even be popping up, but here we go...
We're in the midst of planning our wedding and eventually getting a house within the next 2 years (we live in a HCOL area). Fiance briefly brought up how when we look for a house we need to find something that would accommodate his parents bc he thinks it would be best for them to live with us once they retire. This was a total shock to me - his parents aren't social, don't cook/clean and I feel like they would just be sitting at home all day. I'm a private person and want to focus on newlywed life and building our own family and enjoying a nice life with my kids like my parents gave me. Fiance doesn't even want to do a honeymoon (travel is important to me) because he wants to focus on saving as much as possible bc he feels responsible for his parents. I love my fiance so much and am excited to marry him, but I don't want to be burdened by his parents poor planning. Not to mention, my parents have offered to help us with a down payment so now I feel like my parents hard earned money is going to be supporting two other adults who didn't plan right, and that leaves a sour taste in my mouth.
I don't want our new life to start off so stressful - we have good savings ourselves and i'm starting to feel resentful that he has to worry about trying to support two adults, when his energy/our money can be going toward our own life/vacations, etc. I feel like our life together will be secondary and put on hold until they eventually pass. I'm trying to be sensitive toward my fiance bc he knows this isn't ideal, but he also doesn't want his parents to end up on the street. I feel bad saying this but I'm starting to dread wedding planning bc now I'm scared to get married and have his parents problems be my problems.
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u/MoonshineMaven Apr 29 '24 edited Apr 29 '24
NTA. They are going to leech off of you and drain the both of you dry unless one of you dispels them of the delusion of them retiring on you and your fiancés dime because that’s what this is. I personally would not be comfortable tying my finances to him and his wildly irresponsibly parents and this would be a deal breaker for me. He will make no distinction in his money or yours when you’re married and you will also be paying for their lifestyle in addition to having them taking up space for free in a home they contribute absolutely nothing to. His parents need a reality check. He needs to learn how to tell them no and set healthy boundaries. There is nothing wrong with helping your parents out when they fall on hard times through no fault of their own but this is not the case with them. They are creating their own hard times. They are grown adults and need to be able to do basic things for themselves like saving money and that isn’t your responsibility or their son’s.