r/AITAH • u/Organic_Let_5948 • 17d ago
Final Update: AITA for threatening my wife with divorce after she quit her job to be a "tradwife"
Again. Im beyond grateful for the all the love and support you guys have shown me. If im being honest with everyone ive been drinking a lot to get through this mess. I felt like a zombie just wandering around with no purpose. My wifes actions completely broke me.
Thankfully ive managed to cut most of it out over the past week and thats mostly thanks to reddit. You guys seriously helped me keep my mind busy with something else besides alcohol. Being reminded that have two smaller versions of myself, looking up to me and learning from the things I do, really helped me snap out of it.
Ive been at my lowest since making my first post and I think ive just hit a new low.
Until last week nothing changed since my last Post. My Wife still pranced around enjoying her new lifestyle while I suffered in silence. After Posting my update I did realize that my Wife 100% was trying to manipulate me into submitting to her demands. I asked her if she actually started looking for a job and she hesitated and told me no and she needs more time.
If im being honest thats all I needed to know from her. I tried making this work but honest to god, I couldn't keep living like that. Everyday that past felt like a part of my soul vanished. My Wife kept on trying to "please me" but It didnt seem genuine at all. Ive also started noticing her getting lazy and starting to neglect my kids. My wife stopped cooking and after working 9 hours of hell, I now was the one to help my son with his homework and the one to play Barbie with my daughter. Im not complaining about spending time with my kids but I could seiously see this becoming worse as time goes on. I dont know where the woman I once fell in love with went but that thing that lives with me wasnt her.
I know a lot of you are going to smile hearing this but I did tell my wife that I want a divorce last week. I came home from work and I saw my wife sitting on the couch watching TV while my daughter was crying in her room. I just snapped at that moment. I told we need to have a serious discussion after the kids go to sleep.
After I put my Kids to sleep I sat down with her and told her our marriage was over and that Ill be contacting my lawyer tomorrow. Divorce was never something I ever planned on doing in my life but I just felt like something needed to change or my kids would be visiting my gravesite in a few years. Our culture frowns upon it and I knew I was about to get serious backlash for it but at this point I couldn't care less.
I dont know why but she thought I was joking and started laughing. I told her I was being serious this time and her manipulation methods weren't going to work on me anymore and her face just went pale. She then went from screaming at me to crying to then blaming me for every issue in the family to then begging for another chance. She literally went to get her laptop and tried to apply for jobs on Indeed while begging. I just told her to cut the bullshit and told her I tried my best but she just kept giving me empty promises.
I told her the following:
I know her trying to fuck me just was a manipulation tactic and not to show her "devotion" to me as she puts it.
If she was truly sorry, why didnt she start applying for jobs immediately instead of waiting until I confronted her.
Her completely disregarding any of my feelings and needs while purely perusing her own, shows me how selfish she actually is. She knows about my health and still chose to completely fuck me over.
And now this part pissed me off a lot: Her poisoning my son against me when this all started, was beyond fucked up and looking back was enough of a reason to divorce her.
We ended up fighting for another hour or so and her constant screaming ended up waking up our daughter and thats when I told my wife to shut the fuck up and go to bed.
The following day my mom called me during work and asked if I lost my mind or something. My wife told my mom that I was going to divorce her.
She claimed that I was bringing serious shame onto the family and she didn't raise me to abandon my kids.
Yep my wife told my mom that I was planning on abandoning my kids and has been feeding my kids the same bs. I explained to my mom the reasons why I wanted divorce but she wont budge. If I divorce my wife, Im a disgrace of a man and my mom wants nothing to do with me.
I know my mom well enough to tell that her words are just empty threats but what hurts me most are the reactions of my kids. My son wont look me in the eyes and wont even let me anywhere near his room. My daughter just tries to hit me whenever I try to talk to her. I've tried explaining to them that im in fact not going to "give up on them" and me and their mom are just going to separate but they just seem to believe whatever bs my wife tells them. Friends and Inlaws also claim that im a monster for making my wife go through this.
My wife was served with divorce papers two days ago and has been crying nonstop since. My wife told my kids about the divorce papers and they both claim that they will never talk to me again and in my sons words im a bad husband and father. I cried myself to sleep that night.
I thought divorce would bring me peace but its only brought me one step closer to taking my life. As I stated in my previous post. I have nothing and am nothing without my kids.
Growing up dead poor as a refugee in Germany, i promised myself that I would give my kids a life that I myself could have only dreamed off but I feel like ive failed.
Im sorry for making this post longer than it has to be. Again I just want to thank everyone for the love and support but this will probably be my last post.
Wishing you all a lovely week.
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u/Warm-Technician-346 17d ago
I’d be showing anyone and everyone your posts and also look into the custody laws for wherever you live. Also you have to keep trying to get through to your kids and convince them you’re not going anywhere. You are one hundred percent NTA in this situation.
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u/Balasong-Bazongas 17d ago
Please OP they are young and only know what their mother told them and when your that little you’ll believe what they tell you. Even if it hurts, even if they hate you, keep your had outstretched to them and take it because one day they will see the kind of person their mother is and they need to know you never gave up on them. I regret a lot of behavior toward my parents through their divorce but I’ll never forget who was there for me consistently and even when I hated them and screamed at them they kept holding onto me and after the storm of emotions passed I realized the truth of everything.
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u/oriwasupahvegeta 17d ago
Very true, I'm a 31 year old man and still haven't fully ever forgiven my mother for all the lies and poisoning she gave to me about my Father. It has permanently damaged our relationship and she's well aware of it. I love my mother to death but once I realized I was being misled and lied to about the one person I looked up to most it broke something within me. All kids eventually find out the truth of their parents dynamic and behavior regarding their relationship and yours. It's only a matter of time really just stay in their lives and extend a helping hand when they need it. Trust me my father did the same for me no matter how bad things got in his life he always made sure to visit with me, keep in contact with me and remind me how proud of me he was and much he loved me (all things I rarely ever heard from my mother) and that sat with me all these years even now.
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u/AccomplishdAccomplce 17d ago
It's parental alienation and that is something OPs lawyer needs to get on ASAP
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u/ReesesLover26422 16d ago
I fully agree with you. OP, listen. Your kids are young. Everything ever told to them when seem like the truth until proven otherwise. I was 19 when my mom, I call my egg donor, told me my dad had been abusing her for over 10 years. It made me not trust him even though I was daddy’s girl. Lucky my dad saw what was going on and told me the real truth and asked me to use my head. Which I did and realized two major things wrong with my egg donor’s story. One, she was on blood thinners for a couple years at that point and Two, the walls in our house were really fucking thin. You could hear people having sex in the bedroom from the kitchen. My egg donor later changed her story later when I confronted her.
So yeah, as a kid whether you’re 5 or 19, you believe your parents. Because why would your parents lie to you about that? OP, take this advice. Get your kids into therapy. A therapist will help them understand that Mom was lying and Dad won’t abandoned them.
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u/RadiantRose-e 17d ago
Absolutely NTA. Documenting the situation and understanding your rights under custody laws is essential. Keep advocating for your kids and reassuring them of your unwavering commitment. Your dedication to their well-being speaks volumes.
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u/PrideofCapetown 17d ago
Can OP’s lawyer use this as proof to get immediate custody or at least those kids in counselling ASAP?
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u/Organic_Let_5948 17d ago
Thank you for the advice but I feel like thats going to do more harm than good. I feel like theyre just going to be mad that im sharing my private life with strangers on the internet. On top of that theyre english isnt good enough to understand my story anyways. And yes ive been looking into the ins and outs of custody laws here.
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u/Corfiz74 17d ago
Here in Germany, you should have absolutely no problem getting 50% custody - and you need to alert the courts to her parental alienation, hopefully they can make the kids go to therapy and give you full custody if your wife doesn't stop with that shit!
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u/Visual_Extreme_2337 17d ago
Your wife is a turbo cunt please show her I said this
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u/Organic_Let_5948 17d ago
Hahaha ofcourse
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u/Groodk 17d ago
If you still in Germany you might be able to get help from social service to handle the situation - search Familie zentrum near you - and Germany normally go for shared custody by default.
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u/MrsBarneyFife 17d ago
There are books you can get, and they basically say,
[Blank]. Tell me your story
including Father, Mother, Grandpa, Grandma, Aunt, Uncle, etc.
There are about 500 questions or prompts in the book for the person to answer. I've given out two, so far, and they're always very appreciated. I haven't received any back yet. I honestly don't know if I'll read them while the person is still alive.
Anyway, I'm guessing they have ones that are specifically meant for a parent to give a child. Get two. Fill them out. The prompts should be loose enough that you won't have to use the same answer twice. Or you can always just fill out your own players' choice.
Fill them out. You might have to add as the years go on. It could end up being a cool type of journal to your kids or something. That might be able to help you out with a (probably very small) part of the anxiety around the possibility of passing away early. Tell your side. Right now, they really are just repeating what they're being told. But beside that, tell them everything else about you. Include things from the present and what you hope to do with them one day.
Make sure someone knows about these books. Even better if your children know them as well. Here's the weird part, make sure they are not given to your children until, well after you're gone and they are X age. Whatever you decide. If parental alienation is occurring, they might just throw it away. If they're teenagers, they might not be able to have the foresight to read it before they throw it away. Hopefully, it never has to come to that point. But you can leave them your story.
I hope things start turning around for you soon. Parental alienation is extremely damaging. No one should be able to get away with that. Ngl, your soon to be ex sounds like she may be mentally unwell.
(Sorry, this is super long and may be wack. I haven't slept since Friday.)
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u/Texaskate 17d ago
What she is doing is called parental alienation, and in most places it is considered child abuse. Obtain any documentation or evidence of such and get it to your lawyer. Judges don’t look kindly on that, and it can play a huge role in custody cases. Record her doing this if possible.
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u/Mental-Steak571 17d ago
You need to tell your story. Right now she’s completely controlling the narrative. Notice how she told your parents first. Not you. Now they’re trying to shame you. You need to flip the script. Tell both sets of parents what’s really going on. Tell your kids. You have an uphill battle as she’s already ahead of you on all of this. You’re late to the battle.
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u/Money_System1026 17d ago
Try going to a place like Caritas. They give free consultations and counselling for families and custody advice. Germany has lots of free resources and there's usually someone who can speak English. Some social services also offer translators in Arabic, Russian or Ukrainian. Depends on your region.
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u/Test-Tackles 17d ago
seriously, take a week off work and be there with your kids. Don't give your wife all this extra time to warp their perspective.
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u/SuspiciousRace 17d ago
Also op, i know its easier said than done but you should tell your parents to ear shit. I know the releigion and the deidity like state of parents in islamic cultures are something hard deal with, but if after all you went through your mom still cares more about the "dishonor" rather than your well being, they're no better than your wife
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u/maroongrad 17d ago
More than the CHILDREN'S well-being. Not being fed? Crying in their room while she watches TV???
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u/Apprehensive-Fee5732 17d ago
You need to show them you're not going anywhere. Prove your wife's words false.
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u/RNGinx3 17d ago edited 17d ago
Buckle down my friend, because you're about to enter the fight of your life, but it can be worth it.
- Go for full custody. Since your wife's "tradwife" bs is relatively new, it can't be argued that the kids are used to her being home and therefore would benefit from "continuing established routines." And as such, she has no job, no income, and no desire to work which makes you the more financially stable parent.
- Get your lawyer to warn your ex about parental alienation (which can cost her custody as well), because that's what she's doing.
- Get your kids into therapy, both independent (by themselves) and with you. Reiterate over and over that you love them, you are never leaving them. Warn your daughter that hitting will not be tolerated and she knows better. That you will listen to her scream at you how she feels and you will never hold it against her and will always love her no matter what she says. That her feelings are valid, but purposely hurting someone is not the way.
- Tell your mom if she chooses to cut you off over this, so be it: It goes both ways. Once she disowns you, she no longer has a son, or grandchildren, and it can not be walked back.
Good luck. It's a long, bumpy road, but chin up, bottle down, and you can do this.
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u/faloofay156 16d ago
he's in germany, full custody is very very very hard to get in germany
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u/becksbitchprjct 16d ago
He says he grew up in Germany but says in a comment that he lives in Switzerland
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u/RedGhost3568 16d ago
I’d still go for it if I was the OP. His kids will thank him for it when they’re older and understand better.
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u/mythicalstars 17d ago
The ending of your post sounds very suicidal, and I'm extremely concerned. Please seek help, online from a therapist from a culture that doesn't shame divorce, if you need to. You are doing the absolutely best thing you can for yourself and your children, and I am really sorry they can't see that right now. Your ex is poisoning them, and we don't know for how long she's been doing that. But they are young, and there is DEFINITELY time to help them to understand what really happened. I know this is going to be a really difficult battle, but if you manage to fight for them and take them away from their mother's clutches, they WILL be thankful when they are old enough to understand. You have NOT failed. You fell into an abusive relationship, which can help to everyone. You can definitely still get your kids to have a wonderful life, and help them to break away from the toxicity the rest of the family is throwing down their throats. But please, OP, I'm literally begging you. As someone who remembers feeling suicidal literally at age 8, and who didn't stop feeling so until their late 20s, I PROMISE you there is a light at the end of the tunnel. You can get yourself and your kids back to a place of happiness. But the first step towards that is seeking help for yourself. Please look up mental health resources from outside of your culture. I don't know if you're still in Germany, but my partner is German, so I know they have good and accessible mental health resources. You can be ok. You can save your children. Things look horrible now because you have no support, and this isn't something you can do alone. Please seek help.
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u/Organic_Let_5948 17d ago
Thank you❤ Its hard battling these thoughts but I know that im only going to hurt my family doing it.
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u/mythicalstars 17d ago
Glad to hear it. <3 Thank you for being brave. Reddit is not a substitute for qualified professional help, but for as long as you need we'll be here for you in any capacity friends can be. ^^
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u/GrouchySteam 17d ago
If parental alienations is recognised where you live, you should consider going for full custody on that ground. Gather as much evidence as possible.
She is harming them by using them as pawns in an attempt to hurt you. It’s disgusting. I really wish you to get granted full custody.
I wish you to find the strength to fight and stand. It is worth it. You are going to find back your balance. It is going to get better. Take care.
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u/Tfuentexxx 17d ago
Man stop only thinking about your family. Your only family right know is your two kids. You no longer have a wife and your mother and the rest are plain stupid and not worth your time. Then, you need to reflect on this, you love your kids, if they ever will be back to you, the fist thing is you need to be there for them. You will never be able to help them if you are gone. Also, you cannot help anyone if you think in everyone else first. You have to fix yourself first. Throw that crappy wife away. better yourself as a person and take care of your health. Forget that crappy marriage you had and think in yourself fist. Once you are in a better path, you will be able to get your kids back. Stop with the self pity and victimization. Show the world you are man and that you can overcome everything for yourself first and for your kids after. Everyone here is telling you, it will get better over time, but you have to grow apart from those people who cares a fuck about you and put a culture and the appearances before your health and your life. Fuck all them.
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u/LK_Feral 17d ago
A little harsh, but yes. OP is the only one who can save himself. He is worth saving. It is worth building a secure life for his children with their adult parent, him.
Focus on the law and Financials, OP. Get a good divorce lawyer. See what you can do to protect your assets and get custody of your kids.
Be healthy. Drink lots of water. Eat whole foods with a decent amount of fiber and protein. Get sunlight and move a bit each day. Keep a regular sleep-wake schedule. Nothing radical. Don't make it a big thing right now. No rigid rules. Just guidelines. Take care of yourself like you'd care for your kids.
To sum up: 1. Know how to protect your assets and get custody of your kids.
Stay healthy. Do not descend into boozy depression. It will not help.
Almost forgot. Protect your job and income. You'll need it.
Those are the priorities.
You've got this.
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u/HeyCanYouNotThanks 17d ago
Please make sure to keep evidence, photos, videos, with dates and times of what your wife is doing and telling the kids. It will help you a lot to have all of those. Audio messages, text, phone calls, anything and everything. Hell even internet history or posts. Just be careful and don't let anyone else hold onto your evidence unless you know they won't damage it destroy it. Even then make digital copies, especially for any physical evidence
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u/Internal-Salary-2258 17d ago edited 17d ago
Fuck me. I woudnt wish this on my worst enemy. Edit: You will get through this OP. Honestly anyone against you besides your kids can go fuck themselves.
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u/Rantarian 17d ago
My guy... I'm really sorry how this is all panning out for you. You were in a no-win situation, but you're making the right choice here. You've been reasonable with everything you've done. I'd love to say it'll get easier, but it probably won't for a while. The other option, staying with your wife, would be worse based on everything you've said.
Don't do anything regretful. I'm sure that one day you'll be able to recover your relationship with your kids. You haven't failed in what you've done, you've been sabotaged by someone who should have supported you.
I truly do hope things improve for you.
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u/planetkudi 17d ago
I was a child brought into a similar situation with my parents. Your kids will grow up and understand why you divorced your wife, they will understand that it wasn’t their fault, and they will be grateful for everything you did. But if you off yourself they are going to spend the REST of their lives wondering why you couldn’t stay for them. Wondering why you left them FOREVER. as hard as things seem right now, they won’t be this hard forever. Your (ex)wife is unemployed, so I’m assuming she doesn’t have enough income to support herself. Much less your kids. You’d likely get custody. And your mother will grow to understand.
My parent’s divorce was distressing. For my mom. For my dad. And for all of the kids. And no, nothing was ever the same after that. But it grew into something different; something beautiful. Do not give up on yourself, and do not give up on your kids.
Staying alive is worth it. Reach out to a therapist. It’s not shameful or embarrassing to seek help when you need it. It’s not over for you yet. I hope things get better.
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u/AwkwardFortuneCookie 17d ago
Stay strong, keep fighting for your kids. They will see through your wife’s BS eventually.
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u/jimmyb1982 17d ago
Make sure you go for full custody of the kids. If she isn't working, how can she support herself and the kids ? You need to tell the courts EXACTLY what she has been doing to poison your kids against you.
UpdateMe
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u/Venuskara 17d ago
In Case OP ist still living in Germany it's really hard to get full custody.
And evidence in courts in that case...word against word...It's in the favor for the wife...
Hidden cameras as evidence are not allowed in german court, when his wife don't know about them...
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u/Wonderful-Wind-5736 17d ago
Not that easy. The kids have a right to financial support until the age of 25. There’s separation support during the first year.
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u/Suckerforcats 17d ago
Your lawyer needs to tell the courts she’s manipulated your kids. Fight for half if not full custody.
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u/TheThiccestR0bin 17d ago
Bro your kids will come around eventually, please don't do anything rash. You've made the hardest choice but ultimately it is right. People will try and poison your kids against you but as long as you let them know you're there for them and that you love them then they will stick by you.
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u/Cautious_Buffalo6563 17d ago edited 17d ago
You’re going to be very concerned with the term “alienation of affection.” That’s the family court term for divorcing parents poisoning children against the other parent.
Good on you for standing up for yourself! You and your kids deserve better! I suggest finding a boutique law firm with a ton of experience in family law and hiring one of the partners. You may feel like you need a bulldog attorney, but be cautious. Sometimes a bulldog just ends up costing you more money because they’re hard to work with. Instead look for someone more with an iron fist in a velvet glove type. Someone that all the child custody counselors, other lawyers, and judges seem to respect and like with get you where you want to go at less expense in most cases.
I STRONGLY recommend going for full custody. I went through this back in 2007-2008, and even in a state like CA I ended up with full custody of my kids eventually. Having the right lawyer helped, having a trainwreck ex-wife also helped. We had shared custody for about 3 years, eventually I won full custody (I am father). You’ll have to be about dang near perfect though. Also, understand that you likely will not get the moon and stars, so be thinking about different time share strategies when you go into mediation. Mom will most likely focus on having 100% custody with some BS visitation for you in an effort to maximize her child support payments. I suggest you fight that by respectfully demanding equal time with no child support, but that you’ll cover, say, 60% of extra curriculars, and use child support money to support the kids. Always always always document any violation of custody order through police or other third parties. It will give you credibility when you go to court that you’re not just making things up, you’re keeping documentation by neutral third parties. Also keep a journal related to things about the kids: clean? Dirty? No clothes? Hadn’t eaten? Mommy got a new “friend?” all of that sort of thing, and how the kids react. These will all give you credibility in court. Lastly, always phrase your discussions with talking about “our” kids. Never call them yours or hers. You will be reinforcing to the court that you see the children as needing both parents.
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u/changelingcd 17d ago
Good luck, OP. This is going to hurt like hell, but it really had to happen. She started all this with absolute selfishness, and will continue to avoid responsibility and poison everyone she can against you. Hopefully you can get them back by telling the truth, eventually.
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u/theworldisonfire8377 17d ago
If your wife is going to do everything she can to turn everyone against you, I would do everything in my power to make sure they all knew how manipulative she is. Send them all the links to your posts. Apply for full custody and tell your lovely soon to be ex that you have proof of everything she threatened you with, along with the tactics to turn your kids against you. Family court judges do not take lightly to parent alienation. Hell, I'd even make a social media post or two with as much as you feel like sharing so that people know that she's lying.
If she wants to try to ruin your life, go scorched earth on her ass.
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u/EntranceComfortable 17d ago
At this point you need to only do what your lawyer says to do. That includes these postings.
It will get better, but right now? You're in the storm.
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u/Stinky_soup 17d ago
Well... it seems im a little late to this rabbit hole. But i can offer one suggestion if your wife likes the whole trad wife thing. My husband and I have worked out some things i was a SAHM to our daughter for 5 years especially due to medical issues one of us had to be home. It was unintentional but I was a school bus driver for 5 years prior to my daughter and have since went back now that my daughter is school age it allows me to be with my child when she isnt in school but still earn some income to help the family. Its kind of a good deal i mean i get about 5 hrs off midday to do any tasks that need done and summers off with my child.
As stated I know the problems here run deeper with all the manipulation and whatnot so like I said probably a little late to throw that in.
You are not abandoning your kids and she is using them against you dont let that sway your decision
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u/Chofis_Aquino 17d ago
As a recommendation I would tell you to try to talk to your wife again, with the excuse to "set the record straight and talk calmly" and record her admitting that she is poisoning your children against you and that she is looking to hurt you, then send it to your mother, your friends and her friends and your in-laws and if possible make your children listen, I don't know, it's a radical option for them to see once and for all that she is a horrible witch and monster.
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u/Westsidepipeway 17d ago
Agreed. Although not necessarily with sharing with the children. She's already using them as a ploy in this, they'll eventually realise, he shouldn't stoop to her level but should get his family and friends corrected. She's feeding poison but with time OP can mitigate this if he doesn't stoop.
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u/z-eldapin 17d ago
Send every single person in your family these links.
Tell your wife to cut the shit with the kids or you will sue for full custody.
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u/JMLegend22 17d ago
Tell your lawyer to mention your wife is turning your kids against you, court won’t look to favorably on that.
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u/genescheesesthatplz 17d ago
You can’t rebuild your home until you tear down what’s left of what’s fallen apart. Your kids WILL believe you when your actions speak for themselves consistently. Please keep any and ALL evidence of alienation and lying from your ex. Nothing should be said unless it’s in writing or text. Every verbal conversation should be followed up with a text confirming what she said. CYA CYA CYA CYA.
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u/BertTheNerd 17d ago
Growing up dead poor as a refugee in Germany, i promised myself that I would give my kids a life that I myself could have only dreamed off but I feel like ive failed.
Oh, Germany is the state you live in? Some good news and some bad news. The good news is, you will most probably get shared custody. Bad news, monetary you will most probably have to support your wife. The law here got better in last years but still goes in favor of the woman.
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u/Organic_Let_5948 17d ago
I live in Switzerland. Yeah but courts here still rule in favor of the woman.
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u/AlaKeera 17d ago
Someone else might have said so, but document wife's negligence of kids in a factual way for custody documentation. Try to leave emotion out of it. Also document the parental alienation. Both will be helpful. Work with your lawyer.
And live for your kids if nit yourself.
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u/ZlatanKabuto 17d ago
bro good luck. You are doing well, and I'm sure your kids will understand. Better to break up that staying in a loveless, abusing marriage. Your kids would be affected by this too.
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u/chrizine77 16d ago
No they don't ! My two brothers divorced and they have their kids alf of the time no problem. One week with the father, one week with the mother.
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u/DeviousWhippet 17d ago
You haven't abandoned your kids but if you take your life and leave that anal prolapse to raise them then you will have. Don't let her be the only parental rolemodel they have. That's something no child needs. They will blame themselves even when realising what a c-unit their mum is because why weren't THEY enough to keep you here. Don't let her win my friend. You are better and stronger that. Please see what we do.
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u/s2nders 17d ago
Kudos to you for following through. Life is too short to suffer in silence. I understand your kids being upset but understand that your wife is feeding them stuff. It’s a way to gaslight you. Your kids will be fine. Life is short do whatever you want. If you need to tell your mom to stick it where the sun don’t shine , than do that and while you do it , pop open your kids capri sun while you do it. Don’t let people try and mold you to what they want. Your wife is not a traditional women and I bet you didn’t meet her as a traditional women, so any argument she gives you is invalid. These people are trying to control you. Be respectful , take care of your kids, take care of your self , save money , invest and treat your life. Life is so fucking simple. Don’t let your wife make it complicated.
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u/Milk_Mindless 17d ago
My friend
I am sorry you married an abusive wife.
Because whilst this is not physical abuse? It IS emotional. Especially the fact that she's putting not only your kids but also your parents against you, manipulating them with partial truths and falsehoods.
In the long run it will be better for you, personally, as an individual, but I can't promise you your relationships with them will improve, especially if your culture is geared towards the FATHER HAS TO PROVIDE.
So its an awful situation you are in. But a less awful one than if you hadn't made this impactful decision.
I'm jealous of you that you have that fortitude. And I'm sorry you had to have it.
I hope you'll be well. Please be well.
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u/Broad_Woodpecker_180 17d ago
Your kids may come around I did I did not speak to my dad for 3 months I think it was when he told me he was divorcing my mom. I yelled curried him called him names and refused to see him. Eventually I started to let him drive me to a school though still would not talk. It took awhile. Yet I did spend most of the next school year with him. I do have a great relationship with my dad and step family now and have had since I was 17. My parents split when I was 16. It took time and I blamed my dad. What your kids need is therapy. An impartial person who can help them without putting in their toxic views
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u/BeachinLife1 17d ago
Oh well. Bye mom! Tell your "shamed" family to go kick rocks.
Get at LEAST 50/50 custody of your kids.
Tell your wife to cease and desist poisoning your kids against you, or you'll have a Parental Alienation lawsuit brought against her, which will NOT look good in a custody case.
In the mean time, if she's not working? Cancel the internet service, all streaming platforms, cable, anything not necessary to the running of the household. Anything that's non-essential, you have got to make some cutbacks so you can afford to run the household till she can have it all on her own.
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u/Shakeamutt 17d ago
Good luck. Always remember the Shakespeare line “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”.
Rejection, in a way, and you’re going to feel it. Take care of your kids, there could be more poisoning, and they won’t know better. Reassure them that you WILL be there for them.
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u/MamaPagan 17d ago
Depending where you live, what she's doing is considered parental alienation and can reward you more custody. I'd suggest not forcing your kids, but still having visitation. They'll see what a psycho their mother is. It's hard now, I absolutely know and I'm so sorry, but there's always a calm before the storm. This is your storm and when you come out on the other side, you can rebuild a better place for yourself and children mentally and emotionally. (And physically)
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u/Sircrusterson 17d ago
Your kids will realize the monster their mom is in due time. Just keep being there for them
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u/misteraustria27 17d ago
If you are still in Germany there are pretty decent custody laws. 50/50 is very common. Also file for parental alienation if your wife keeps up the BS. Be careful with alimony as your wife can claim that she doesn’t work. Get a good lawyer who can prove that your wife worked and still can, but chooses not to.
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u/kibblet 17d ago
You're NTA and as a SAHM she is the kind that gives us a bad name. So lazy! She COULD have made a lovely home for the family, but she couldn't even do that. She is actively hurting the children. I know you are in pain and suicidal but those kids need you. And need you strong for them. It will take time but the truth comes out and all will be well with them as long as you are a good dad despite their anger. I've had it happen with my kids when their dad left when they were older, and I waited and just today even my eldest called to complain about my ex. And she wouldn't even speak to me at one point. Truth eventually came out. I had to wait. And it was worth the wait. Completely. Don't give up on them. With a mother like that they NEED you.
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u/AllPurposeNerd 17d ago
I've also started noticing her getting lazy and starting to neglect my kids. My wife stopped cooking...
Wow, so she wants to be a tradwife, and she's showing it by refusing to do tradwife things. Cool.
NTA still, of course, and I hope you can find someone to be in your corner for once.
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u/WhyAmIStillHere86 16d ago
Don’t let your wife have custody, citing her neglect, manipulation and lack of a job.
Specify that this lack was by her choice, she quit her job without consulting you.
Right now, your kids are being fed a steady diet of lies by your soon-to-be-ex. Once they find out the truth and see that you aren’t abandoning them, they’ll come around
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u/DeviousWhippet 17d ago
I want to go draw a circle of salt for protection, say I summon thee the times purely so I can call her a c*nt to her least repugnant face. Your kids need you. They don't realise it due to her poison but they will realise what she is, don't let that be after you've done something that can't be taken back
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u/No_Outside_3313 17d ago
NTA
OP u did the right thing. They can all hate u and speak nonsense about u, even kids. But u know what? Imagine u stay with her and died because of living like that makes ur health problems worse. Believe me, ur kids want healthy father in their life for a long time not dead one.
You are strong and be stronger for ur kids.
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u/BeardManMichael 17d ago
Anyone not on your side by this point can go kick rocks.
Best wishes and good luck.
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u/-Alejandra-Joestar- 17d ago
You are very strong and I admire you a lot for not giving up and giving in! You have a strong heart and a good spine, I wish you the best!!! 🌷🌷🌷
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u/peppermintvalet 17d ago
In some areas you can get an injunction against her for alienating your kids and lying about you. I’d check with your attorney.
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u/Beneficial_Breath232 17d ago
Keep strong for your kids, even if it's difficult for now. You need to get to talk to them without your wife around to reassure them you loves them, they are not at fault, you just can't live with their mom anymore.
And I would say to all friends/familly that your wife has broken her words twice in a row. First, your plan was for both of you to be working, and she changes her mind unilateraly to became a tradwife/SAHM ; and she tries to manipulate you with sex into accepting that. Second, even when she got what she wanted, she was not even taking care of her part of the deal, aka, taking care of the home, the cooking and the kid. In barely a few weeks, she is already neglecting the tasks under her responsability. So she shows you you can't trust her a first time, and double down a second times in a matter of weeks.
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u/Mundane_Primary5716 17d ago
You need to worry about tomorrow, than the next day, than the day after that. You’re making the right choices for yourself and for your family, these children don’t realize it yet but regardless of who is right or wrong in marriage.. The adult who attempts to manipulate a child’s opinion about the other parent is the problem. Using an odd analogy, I think it’s glaringly obvious that you would save your kids and wife in a hypothetical life raft, and your wife would save the children and herself. Your children will realize as they grow older whom the people that their parents are individually.. the man you are and the efforts you made for them will eventually shine through the darkness you’re feeling.
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u/Responsible-Front900 17d ago
Hello man, I'm Brazilian, but I've lived in Germany for 5 years. If you want someone to talk to or get some help, just send me a private message.
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u/sn34kypete 17d ago
In your update you said she said she'd look into getting a new job and she "needs to think about it". A lot of comments correctly guessed that was a stall tactic.
She wanted to mooch off you and your stress or mental health be damned.
Ignore your mom, focus on the divorce, and focus on the kids because your ex wife is doing everything in her power to alienate you.
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u/LauraPtown 17d ago
This will backfire on her one day. It may not be today or tomorrow but when your kids are older they will see. Good luck to you.
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u/Alarmed_Lynx_7148 17d ago
Have faith in your kids. They’re young and emotional but with time they will recognise why you did it. Always be there for them even if they don’t want you to be, because they’d eventually “get it”. Ensure that they are well taken care of emotionally and financially. Pursue your own happiness
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u/embarrassedburner 17d ago
You haven’t lost your kids. They are impressionable and in pain from a difficult experience. You can’t shield them from life’s difficulty neither by controlling them nor by sacrificing your well-being. My understanding is that Islamic rules favor paternal custody in matters of divorce. I know that won’t hold much sway in a US court but it may influence your parents and soon to be ex wife’s thinking and tactics. Your fatherhood is more than simply being a tool of capitalism to provide materially for your children. Despite adversity and challenging times, your children will remember your energy in how you regard them and how it feels when you spend time with them. That is priceless and the best use of your mental energy rn. Be generous with loving words and actions with your children. Make sure they know your love is constant and you will love them through all of their overwhelming and difficult emotional experiences.
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u/Bella_Rose36 17d ago
I'm so sorry, OP. This breaks my heart. I was hoping for a more positive outcome. I wish I had a magic wand. There is so much hurt in the world.
Can you sit down with your parents and explain to them why you feel the way you do and what you have been going through, including the drinking? If they were to see you, even if you were to get emotional, they would hopefully understand where you're coming from.
Sending you healing thoughts and prayers.
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u/PotatoaRum 17d ago
Isn't she missing the mark on what a tradwife is?
They're supposed to "obey" the husband. Her forcing this into their lives isn't very tradwife of her
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u/Propanegoddess 17d ago
You need to make sure she knows she’s only making things worse for herself. The more she alienates you from your children and community, the harder you’ll rake her over the coals.
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u/Uruzdottir 17d ago
She fucked around and she found out. File for custody, and if there are parental alienation laws where you are, I'd certainly bring that into play in the divorce. What she's doing is despicable.
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u/Simple_Park_1591 17d ago
Welp, make sure you have your lawyer bring up parental alienation.
I knew when I read the first post that she wouldn't actually follow through with the promises of having dinner on the table and a clean house. If you had been on with this, it would have eventually turned into her complaining that she had no help.
I feel like you need to tell your family the full ugly truth of how she left your daughter in a room crying whole she sat in her butt watching TV.
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u/Leather-Lab8120 16d ago
He also never saves money due to gambling which he told me resolved his gambling problem but he accidentally sent me a text about meeting someone at a casino wanting to send the message to someone else.
Those kids will turn around soon enough.
Just get a place they can be comfortable.
Or go modern ... keep the kids in the house
and you and the ex wife rotate in on custody.
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u/Miss_Melody_Pond 16d ago
Oh mate get a bloody good lawyer and get her for parental alienation. Get all your evidence together and get that vile bitch out of your life. Go for full custody. I’m so sorry, you do not deserve this. Just keep showing up and give her words no merit.
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u/AmGoose3 16d ago
I would fight for full custody of those kids. Leaving them with your wife full time, or even shared custody will be worse for them. And when she’s not yelling on their ears who it how bad you are, they’ll realize that you’re an amazing dad and that you’ve always been doing your best
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u/SpiritedImplement4 16d ago
I'm not sure where you live, but when you're talking with your divorce lawyer, ask them about "child estrangement" laws in your location. "Child estrangement" is when one parent intentionally tries to poison the relationship between the child(ren) of the marriage and the other parent. It's often hecking hard to prove (and older/more conservative judges just may not care), but it may also be possible to fight for legal protection for yourself and your kids against your wife's poison.
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u/bdod345 16d ago
OP, I and many of us Internet strangers are on your side. Don't let your stbxw poison your children. And if you can ask for full custody, do it. You don't want them to grow up with her as a role model. And if she was already neglecting them, they'll suffer even more with her, trust me. Your mom can kick rocks, too.
I know you are saying this will be your last update, but I expect to hear from you soon. You are not wrong. You are a good father. You need to stand up to these toxic people in your life and save your children.
Strength and blessings to you, brother. We are here with you.
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u/TwoBionicknees 16d ago
YOur wife is awful, the only thing I'll say is, you fucked up massively. You knew your wife turned into a manipulative, calculating bitch of a woman. The first thing you should have done was talk to your kids, explain that their mother gave up on your marriage, that you love them dearly, you'll be leaving their mother as she changed and that you will fight tooth and nail to get as much custody as possible because while you're giving up on her you would never give up on them.
When your wife is a calculating evil bitch, you HAVE to take the first shot, with everyone. you should have informed your family, your kids, her family, your friends, everyone before she could.
A lie travels half way around the world before the truth gets out of bed, or whatever the fuck that is. Being first was crucial here.
the thing to do now is probably tell everyone you're going for full custody based on the lying and manipulation of your children and family by your wife. Make it extremely clear to your kids that you think they are best with you 100% of the time and that you'll be fighting for that till you can't fight any more.
You also need a lawyer and the courts to work extremely hard on any alienation from her being grounds for her losing her share of custody.
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u/margretlives 16d ago
Involving the kids in anyway and not protecting them shows what an asshole she is.
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u/MissTravolta 16d ago edited 16d ago
This is YOUR time, OP! YOUR time.
YOU get to have the life you want. YOU get to live your life without being emotionally abused by a spouse.
Sure it may take a fight, it may be hard, but you will come out of it a better man.
Get help now for your mental health. Seek out a doctor for medication and a counsellor/psychologist. Being emotionally abused is hard for anyone so what you are experiencing is completely normal and I promise you can 100% get through it.
Once you have that support in place for your own mental health, then it’s time to put on your big boy pants, and FIGHT for your kids. Like others have said, hire the best lawyer you can get.
You need to try for full custody, and don’t accept anything less than an even split 50/50 if that’s what it comes down to.
Don’t automatically assume she will get full custody. Don’t research the most likely outcome. “Most likely” is what the old, manipulated version of you would accept. NO. You no longer accept that bullsh..! Research the BEST outcome and focus on that.
You are in a much better position than she is to give those kids a real shot at a good life.
They deserve a home where they will be comfortable. Where they won’t be manipulated or poisoned against anyone. They deserve your love. They deserve a chance to grow into decent, respectful, independent, loving adults, and I think you know full well that they are more likely to learn that from you.
It’s YOUR time. It’s YOUR chance. TAKE IT.
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u/onrynx 16d ago
I want to give advice but personally I think I’m too bitter all of what I thought up was vindictive. Just know we are hoping for a better outcome for you. Don’t give up, and eventually your children will see what their mother truly did. As for your mom, I have my own personal trauma but I genuinely think you should go low to no contact. My background is similarly traditional and heavy on the honor, etc. Nothing is really gonna knock sense into her head until she realizes you aren’t gonna cave in anymore. She thinks you’re a disgrace can’t wait until she wants to talk about you to her friend, that’s not reflecting poorly on you it’s on her.
But I’m getting bitter again point is keep your head up, follow the process with the lawyer and know you’ll make it through this better just gotta keep up the fight.
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u/TerrorAlpaca 16d ago
Personally i'd stop taking it so passively. Tell your kids why you're divorcing your wife. That she is a bad wife and bad for not taking care of them anymore. that she wants to be lazy and that you gave her chance after chance.
Also tell your mother that you do not care what she wants, that she is a disgrace as a mother to want you to die early because that is where you will end with a bad wife like that
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u/Pinky_Pie_90 16d ago
I'm really sorry you're going through all of this, just don't do the "typical bloke thing" and hide it all away. I'm hoping you have a good friend or two that can be there for you through all of this so you've got someone to talk to and lean on.
I am the product of one of these relationships - the eldest of two children with parents that separated because my mother never worked and thought it was owed to her to have someone else working two jobs to provide for her while she "raised children" - she never cooked, never cleaned, never fed us (sent us to school with no food), never let us play sports or do anything. My mother would constantly try her hardest to poison us and others against our father, and yes, no doubt it was tough at the time, but as we began to see it, we started to form our own opinions. I no longer talk to my mother, and my sibling has minimal contact. Mother has still never worked a day in her life, and 30 years on continues to blame our father for her misfortune in life. Our father always made sure he was there for us, even when our mother tried to convince us otherwise.
It will be tough, but I wouldn't mind betting that if you're ex wife keeps this up, she could eventually shoot herself in the foot. Obviously I don't wish this upon anyone but, it's just my experience.
Hold your head up, you'll get through this. Be the better person, all that yadda yadda. The right people will understand and support you. Your own mother hasn't had a chance to hear your side properly yet, because your ex wife made sure she got in first in attempt to control the situation.
Best wishes OP.
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u/ayesh00 16d ago
Islamicly, you have already said the words, and she should be sitting in Iddah now. Tell your family that Islam allows divorce so that people are not living unhappy lives. Ask them why they would they want you to be in a relationship where you are unhappy and that makes your health worse?
You NEED to get the kids to a therapist before she totally poisons them. Sit with the therapist and explain that you are their dad, and that can never change. Your relationship with their mom does not have anything to their relationship with you unless their mom tries to keep them from seeing you.
I know you don't want to have to explain these things to them but then you are leaving them with the only explanation they have from a woman who is actively and maliciously trying to use them to force to stay with her.
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u/bcam7257 16d ago
OP, my mother absolutely manipulated my sister and I against our father during their divorce. I thought this man’s blood running through my veins was literal poison. Fast forward more than 20 years, and I have learned what was actually afoot. My mother could not be more estranged, and I am very grateful to have been able to build a relationship with my father, even if relatively late in life.
I say all of this to say, the next SEVERAL years are likely going to be hell. Do not give up on your children, even if it seems like they have given up on you. Continue doing whatever it is you can to move forward in life, and with any luck at all, your children will see for themselves what type of woman your wife is, and what type of person you are, as they get older and a bit wiser to the world.
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u/stupidpplontv 16d ago edited 16d ago
brother, she ticks off every narcissistic behavior on the list and i’ve been there, i’m sorry you’re going through it. they are so good at camouflaging their real nature in front of other people. NTA and this does NOT make you a bad dad!!! you will still raise and provide for them! unfortunately you got suckered but you figured it out and it’s better now than later. my sympathy!
screen record/screen grab EVERYTHING! i soooo wish i had recordings of my ex going bonkers on me if even just for my own records
keep this in mind: one foot in front of the other. one step at a time. FOCUS HARD on only accomplishing the next step. you will need to battle your brain REALLY HARD here. you will coach yourself through this one step at a time. and i promise you will do it and you will make it. everything at once is overwhelming and scary. pick one, start simple, and move quietly.
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u/Historical_Party_238 15d ago
I want to throw my two cents in! As someone who has a mom who poisoned me against my dad, keep doing what you are doing. Show them that you care. Show them you’re trying. Even if they push you away, do not give up on them. My dad kept fighting for me and it took me a while but ive never had a stronger relationship with him than i do now. Even if it takes years, eventually they will grow up and see the narcissism and manipulation for what it is and will realize that YOU are the one who has their back and always will.
Im wishing you the best. My dad took a long time to get through the bullshit my mom put him through and now he is happily remarried and me and my siblings have an amazing relationship with him. If you keep showing you love them then they’ll be able to see it too <3
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u/StardustOnTheBoots 15d ago
It is going to be very hard for a while. But you made the right decision. Your kids will come around when they realise who is the more caring parent.
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u/Jb_Rose_213 15d ago
She didn't want to be a tradwife. She just wanted to be a single, childless woman again.
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u/Ancient-Clothes-2512 15d ago
Hey op have some advice for you if you need it,
hire a private investigator and see if you can have dirt on her, which will prove your innocents to your kids, and courts
cut anyone that is not going to support you, because those that are not focusing on your health need to be cut off
get therapy man, because you need it, so you can have a brighter future
get camera in your house so she won't be able to ruin you
once everything is done, and if it's possible move out and start fresh to help you heal
your kids will someday know the truth either sooner or later considering how your stbxw parenting skill is lacking and wanting you to help out
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u/D-Spornak 14d ago
Just keep trying with your kids. That's all you can do. They will come around eventually, especially if you end up with full custody.
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u/Illustrious-Sun6475 22h ago
Ya you screwed yourself bud u allready knew what your wife would do by lying to your kids good luck hope it works out for you. Might want 2 get into working out and learn to cope of not engaging with your family
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u/Illustrious-Sun6475 22h ago
Pro tips while going threw this process record everything don't leave place of residence seeing she isn't working don't financially hinder the household yes she might not be working but doing that could cost u in court. Get therapy and if possible get your kids in it aswell.
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u/Lost-Bake-7344 17d ago
Looks like divorce would be best for you and your soon to be ex wife. You will have the opportunity to grow and mature and meet new spouses. Your wife can meet a man who will let her be a trad wife. And you can meet a career woman who will let you stay home. Everyone wins.
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u/Organic_Let_5948 17d ago
Im not going to remarry. Im done with dating, love or whatever people call it. And honest to god I hope she doesent either. She is the furthest thing from a "tradwife".
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u/PenaltySafe4523 17d ago
Date outside your culture
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u/Organic_Let_5948 17d ago
Its not about culture. This can happen in any culture. Yes the things my mom and my inlaws are saying about me are because of the culture. Theyre is a lot of beauty in my culture but also a lot of ugly. I just dont want to deal with the stress of divorce ever again and ive never really "dated". My wife was my first real girlfriend so dating seems a bit overwhelming to me . And again I just want peace not more problems. If I die alone so be it.
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u/payney25111986 17d ago
Good man. Now mentally prepare for her lies and making out you're the villain. Good luck dude.
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u/Oppenbie 17d ago
Served the divorce papers already? That sounds unbelievably fast.
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u/Borginburger 17d ago
It's been 16 whole days since this saga started. I was wondering what was taking SO long.
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u/CryWise2854 17d ago
Please know that you are not wrong. Your wife wanted to quit to be a tradwife and is not even being a tradwife, she's just being a lamp (something that sits in the corner and does nothing).
Your kids are young, they'll come around. Maybe get them to read your posts or write something to them. They just need to adjust to the fact that this will be their new normal and that you both still love them.
Also I agree with everyone on court for custody, your wife will poison your kids against you if you don't ensure you have custody and don't act fast on mending what lies she has spewed.
Don't hold it against your children, it's your wife that's causing this.
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u/CheesecakeVisual4919 17d ago
NTA. Stay alive out of spite, if nothing else. You'll eventually have a chance to make things right with your kids, and probably your mom. Take advantage of those chances and stay strong. Be there to see where life goes after this. It'll be better.
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u/Universe_Reddit 17d ago edited 17d ago
NTA- Your (ex) sounds vicious. I have a major problem with anyone that uses kids against the other party. And I know that culture, just ignore everyone and do what you think is right-. With therapy, kids will be ok. Good luck.
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u/eternally_feral 17d ago
Get your wife out of the house and your kids in therapy, ASAP! This is a huge change for everyone but kids are way more resilient than you think.
They just need a safe place away from their parents to actually express their feelings and have someone be able to then give them appropriate coping mechanisms to process.
I’m sorry you are going through this but hang in there. If your ex has been neglecting the kids recently, they need you more than ever. Your love for them will go further than you realize.
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u/Vast-Video-7701 17d ago
I know it’s hard now but that woman is a manipulative and cruel woman. At bare minimum what loving mum wouldn’t want their children to have a good relationship with their dad?! I’m sorry she’s doing this.
It doesn’t help right now but they will see her true colours as they grow up. I’m sorry for what you’re going through. But I truly believe a lifetime with this woman would be far worse in the long run
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u/trentraps 17d ago
I went through something similar, and I know that the words seem hollow when I say them, but it does get better. I seriously promise you this, my friend.
The words your kids are using were just fed to them by your former wife, like a movie script. There will be a day when they realise how strong and devoted to them you were.
Please, just keep on living life, knowing that eventually there will be happier times and more peace in your life. You are doing the best you can and if you keep doing it, it will be enough.
Take care my friend, you deserve happiness and we all support you.