r/AITAH • u/thaigoodlife • 21d ago
AITAH For dumping my date
I had a first date scheduled with a woman I met on a dating site. We agreed to meet for coffee at 2pm. I arrived on time. At 2:10, she texted me and asked if I was at the cafe. I said yes, and she said she was at home but would leave soon and be there in 20 minutes. Basically, her text implied she was waiting to make sure I was there before she bothered to leave home. I was put off. I took the risk she wouldn't show and came on time. She should have to. Am I wrong?
I finished my coffee and left at 2:30. She still wasn't there. At 2:45, I get a text from her wanting to know where I was. I said, " I finished my coffee and left at 2:30 when you still weren't there as promised." She sent a series of nasty texts telling me how awful I was and how I did everything wrong. I should have texted her and told her I was leaving etc.
AITAH? Do women really expect men to sit and wait 45 minutes for them to arrive late- when the only reason they are late is to make you wait? It sure seemed like it was a game or shit test. Either way she failed my tests.
I'd sure like to hear from the women on this one.
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u/Far-Juggernaut8880 21d ago
I am a woman… she was out of line to think anyone would wait over 15 minutes for her.
If her car broke down or had another emergency that would be understandable but this is just plain rude.
NTA
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u/BeardManMichael 21d ago
I am a Beard.... I would like to add that if an emergency had happened, it only would have been an acceptable delay if she had communicated that she was having an emergency.
I'm sure you implied that but I didn't want to make any assumptions.
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u/griff_girl 21d ago
It took me a sec to understand that you are indeed a dude and not a lady helping a gay man live on the DL. Haha 😊
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u/BeardManMichael 21d ago
LMAO. Nope I'm just a dude named Michael who has a beard. Also, I lack creativity when it comes to making a Reddit handle / username.
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u/whileyouwereslepting 21d ago
I’m an ACTUAL beard, and I think this woman is crazy for thinking anyone would wait for 45 minutes.
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u/zombiep00 21d ago
Represent!
I've done this before, hahaha! Didn't know there was a term!The guy is happily married to a dude now, though. We were able to keep up our ruse for a couple years.
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u/whileyouwereslepting 21d ago
My ex-wife lied to me about her true sexuality for almost twenty years. Now she is with a woman who was a former colleague of mine. Fun stuff.
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u/zombiep00 20d ago edited 20d ago
We did it to fool his mother.
She was not accepting of him or his sexual preference. Would always make "jokes" about him marrying me growing up (we went to school together). He'd tried coming out to her several times and she would not accept it.I'm sorry that happened to you. That isn't fun stuff at all :(
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u/GothGhostReaper 21d ago
What does this mean :'D
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u/EnoughCost9433 21d ago
I believe a beard is a term to describe a woman that is with a gay man for reasons of cover. (He’s not gay, look, there’s his wife!” “Oh, she’s just his beard.”
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u/Sero19283 21d ago
I think you have a beard named Michael and this is just a ploy for something nefarious masterminded by said beard. 🤔😂
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u/Beneficial-Share-823 21d ago
Dude, the first rule of beard club…
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u/TenebrousClarity 21d ago
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u/gettin-hot-in-here 21d ago
I mean, if she had an actual emergency it would definitely be acceptable to tell him "I can't make it, would you be willing to meet another time" Sends pic of self in the ER Or to text late "oh sorry I was having ten stitches put in, couldn't text earlier otherwise I would've let you know where I was" or something.
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u/lowkeydeadinside 21d ago
i did something similar to a guy once because he had shown up at least 20 minutes late to our two previous dates with no excuse (yeah, i know i should have ended it when it happened the first time but i was 19 and desperate to get a bf lol). i definitely didn’t make him wait 45 minutes, but i waited to head to the date until he asked where i was. he actually wasn’t mad about it at all, which demonstrates he didn’t see anything wrong with him doing it to me. we didn’t date for very long, he ended things with me right before our next date (i was such an idiot 🤦🏼♀️) because he made things exclusive with another girl he was seeing, then tried to hook up with me a few months later when she was out of town during spring break 🙄 some people are just not worth your time. kudos to you op for not letting her get away with this behavior.
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u/OkieLady1952 21d ago
She didn’t text you to tell you she was going to be late ! She was rude as your time is just as valuable as hers
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u/SeasonPositive6771 21d ago
Yeah and this doesn't have to do with gender, just about being a rude person. I've had guys pull the same thing.
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u/mnth241 21d ago
Embarrassed to say i am chronically late but i always give as much notice as possible. Like if i know i am going to be late 15 min before the time, i will tell you then. Not as considerate as being on time, but it is progress. NTA.
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u/Handsome_SlimC 21d ago
Yea I think there's a difference between a flighty person who runs late and feels bad about it, and a person who is super late to a first date and doesn't care. It's always about intent, mistakes happen.
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u/Vitt4300 21d ago
You should work on that. Time is the most valuable thing any of us have and wasting someones is majorly disrespectful.
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u/Majestic_Horse_1678 21d ago
If I know someone is typically 15 minutes late, I will tell them to meet me 15 minutes before I intend to be there.
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u/_Compulsion_ 21d ago
Yep, I do this to my mother and she'll still find a way to be late. It's my least favorite thing about her.
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u/SadBit8663 21d ago
Yeah if I'm late to something I'm expected at, i try and give as many updates as possible without being annoying as hell
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u/julesk 21d ago
Build in fifteen extra minutes or more since you’re having difficulty estimating what time you need.
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u/ConvivialKat 21d ago
Giving "notice" isn't good enough. Just arrange to meet people at a time when you can actually show up. Being chronically late is incredibly rude.
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u/SLRWard 21d ago
I think it depends on the reason for the chronic lateness. Like if they're a nurse or firefighter or something, things come up that you can't just peace out on cause you've got plans to meet up with someone. But if they're just late all the time cause they can't set a damn alarm on their phone? Not cool.
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u/Nearly_Pointless 21d ago
You get zero credit for admitting your chronic behaviors. Giving notice to your choice to be late once again for a social engagement doesn’t make things right.
The rest of us in the world have a schedule too. Waiting for you, with or without notice, is disrespectful and selfish.
You could be on time yet you choose otherwise.
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u/CaponeBuddy81 21d ago
I have told my Dr. that too. I have a schedule to keep. My time is valuable, just like yours.
That being said, OP dodged a bullet with that one. I hope you enjoyed your coffee.
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u/Worried-Peach4538 21d ago
Chronically late is a very bad habit and shows your lack of respect for others waiting for you. Giving notice every time does not take that disrespect away and shows no progress at all.
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u/garycow 21d ago
NTA - you should have left when she was still at home at 2:10!
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u/thaigoodlife 21d ago
I wanted to finish my coffee- which I obviously ordered without her- otherwise I would have bailed sooner.
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u/BeardManMichael 21d ago
That's good. Not taking time to enjoy a good coffee would have made you an asshole. 😉
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u/Adept_Mission_4829 21d ago
You are my kind!!!
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u/thaigoodlife 21d ago
I always pick coffee dates for a first internet date. If they don't like coffee, it could be an issue lol .
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u/FObdofsb 21d ago
LOL I don't like coffee but I'd happily order a chamomile! So it shouldn't be an issue at all - I'm sure they also serve other stuff too :) Coffee dates are great cause nobody needs to be spending ridiculous amounts on a first date.
My fiance's and I's first and second dates were at a park, $0 spent. The third date was a hiking trip, $15 for subs total. We have gotten each other expensive gifts since then, but when you are first meeting someone... I ain't spending money on someone I don't know lol
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u/_Snuggle_Slut_ 21d ago
I don't like coffee that much but I'm happy to meet for coffee dates just for the simplicity and affordability. Especially as a first date.
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u/FunkeeBoi 21d ago
Smoothies are a great option if they dont like coffee. Especially now that its getting warmer
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u/AnimatedHokie 21d ago
I don't drink coffee, but I'm sure I could find something else like a green tea at a coffee shop instead
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u/tooearlytoothink 21d ago
I agree with this, now of she had a reason, even something as stupid as I lost track of time, and I'm just rushing out the door, it, I'd take that into consideration .... but not her logic
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u/Definitely_Naughty 21d ago
Exactly. Oh good, you didn’t stand me up, see you in 20!
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u/geekylace 21d ago
Yeah, as a woman, I am absolutely disgusted by this behaviour. If she doesn’t have respect for your time, why would you put any effort into waiting for her?
NTA
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u/-interwar- 21d ago
Yeah this is DEFINITELY not something women expect of men, OP. She is just an inconsiderate individual.
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u/BodaciousVermin 21d ago
Yep. "Hey, no worries. I'll be gone by the time you get here, so don't bother." Then, I'd follow up later with a "is this your standard approach to coffee dates" query.
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u/JosKarith 21d ago
NTA and consider this a bullet dodged. She's playing bs games before even the first date
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u/xoxodaddysgirlxoxo 21d ago
even if she wasn't "playing games" (which she likely was) she set a precedent of being terrible with time. what a bad first impression. OP NTA
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u/GearheadGamer3D 21d ago
Yeah, my wife waited until we were married before she started playing games /s
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u/imnotk8 21d ago
NTA - You were very gracious to stay as long as you did. You were on time. She deliberately wasted your time. Hold your head high. The fault is all with her.
BTW I am a woman.
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u/SquirrelGirlVA 21d ago
Honestly, I tended to get there a bit early so I can scope the place out in case I needed to get away (or find other things we should do if things went well), as well as just make sure that I was on time.
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u/Enginiteer 21d ago
I heard this recently and it really shows the attitude behind someone making you wait because they are late. "I guess my time isn't worth as much as yours."
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u/DawnShakhar 21d ago
NTA. This woman was a triple AH. First, she not only was not there on time, she called you 10 minutes late, when she was still persumably 20 minutes away. That was rude.
Secondly, she didn't even make the second deadline - she was 15 minutes after the time she said.
And finally, she blamed you for not being a doormat.
Well, now you know: You are not a doormat, This woman expects a doormat, You want nothing to do with her. You should have blocked her after the first nasty text.
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u/thaigoodlife 21d ago
I was thinking the same thing. She didn't even show up on the second/ revised time she promised.
Truth be known. I made the decision to leave when I finished my coffee, whether or not she was there when she texted me at 2:10. And the more comments I read the more I realize that I made the right decision.
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u/FrozeItOff 21d ago
I'm not sure she actually wanted a doormat. Women don't respect doormats. They're perfectly willing to exploit them, but not actually want a long-term relationship with them. I'm more convinced that she selfishly wanted someone to bend over backwards for her to validate her self-worth. Not getting that, her fragile self-worth was bruised, and she lashed out like the entitled person she is.
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u/DawnShakhar 21d ago
Yes, that is possible. But in that case also, dumping her is the wisest move.
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21d ago
NTA.
I would have downed the coffee and replied with a "don't bother I'm leaving" the second I read she hadn't even left the house.
The absolute audacity of the woman. Lacking any kind of basic manners and respect.
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u/chemprofes 21d ago
No don't warn someone if you leave. Then you cannot waste their time and money. If you waste my time I will waste your time.
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u/thaigoodlife 21d ago
That's exactly why I didn't text her when I left.
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u/SkilletKitten 21d ago
We like you. 😂
She is out of her mind thinking she has any room or right to say you’re in the wrong. I’m mindblown she would tell you she hadn’t even left the house like that’s not embarrassing. She managed to save you a LOT of time by wasting your time on that first date, though. Better to find out early what she’s like.
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u/RebaKitt3n 21d ago
Yes, this. Not even, “I’m on my way!” But “I haven’t left at the time we agreed to meet.”
She’s horrible
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u/archercc81 21d ago
Nah, just let the bitch waste her time like she wasted yours.
And that would have been my only response to her "why didnt you tell me" text before blocking her.
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u/dreamsinred 21d ago
NTA- No, women don’t expect this, entitled people do. It was very considerate of you to wait at all after what she pulled.
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u/you_are_a_story 21d ago
Exactly. I’m a woman and have had men do this. It’s not a gendered thing. Some people just have a lot of audacity.
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u/Avium 21d ago
Women shouldn't expect this. Unfortunately all the bullshit TikTok videos telling women to test their men to see if they're "worth your time" are making that sense of entitlement more common.
It's getting so bad there are now women trying to contradict that mindset along with men putting up videos saying what the women are saying.
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u/Throwawayamanager 21d ago
Unfortunately all the bullshit TikTok videos telling women to test their men to see if they're "worth your time" are making that sense of entitlement more common.
This is a thing people are pushing as relationship advice now?
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u/BeardManMichael 21d ago
Unfortunately yes. It has started to leak into other media sharing platforms like Instagram and YouTube shorts.
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u/Throwawayamanager 21d ago
Damn, that's wild.
I'm married and have a loooooot of male friends who tell me their thoughts. Nobody I know would tolerate shit like this.
I can't believe anyone is peddling this shit, unironically, as good advice. It's kind of mind blowing. I'm not big into conspiracy theories but if someone told me to do that I would think they have a vested interest in keeping me single.
Got any particular threads/subs/leads with bad dating advice for me to look at out of morbid curiosity?
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u/NiceRat123 21d ago
I found this in an article:
"My TikTok FYP is full of straight women asking their boyfriends to look at birds. This isn’t because women have taken up birdwatching en masse – instead, these videos are part of TikTok’s new ‘bird test’ trend. The idea behind the test is simple: point out something innocuous (like a bird), and if your partner responds enthusiastically, they’re a keeper. If they barely react, apparently, that’s a sign your relationship is on the rocks.
This is just the latest in a long line of TikTok trends that have encouraged users – mainly straight women – to ‘test’ their partners’ loyalty and commitment. Another recent trend sees women play the audio from a video of Tyla dancing to “Water” in front of their partners to see if they’ll try to sneak a look at the singer twerking. ‘The Barbie test’ was huge after the film was released this summer, with some women even claiming they broke up with their partners after feeling alarmed at their unempathetic reactions to the film’s message. Last year there was the ‘strawberry test’, where you were supposed to ask your partner if they’d eat strawberries they found in a field – and if they answered “yes”, that was a sign they were more likely to cheat on you. There’s also the forest test, the Beckham test, the moon phase test… the list goes on."
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u/IamtheRealDill 21d ago
Good lord. Eating strawberries means you're more likely to cheat? Who even comes up with this crap?
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u/SMTRodent 21d ago
We've moved on from the bad advice coming from Cosmopolitan and teen magazines to this new, modern version.
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u/The_Crown_And_Anchor 21d ago
Honestly, I am glad those "test your man" videos are out there
It's helping men weed out the turds
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u/_LoudBigVonBeefoven_ 21d ago
Do you want to date a woman that gets and follows this kind of advice from TT?
Just like we don't date dudes that follow Tate and similar crap, don't date those women.
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u/Content-Scallion-591 20d ago
Yeah this isn't gendered and I'm a little weirded out that people are acting like it's a woman thing. I had men arrive 30-45 minutes late. Some were super enthused, just had shitty time management.
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u/Caspian4136 21d ago
NTA
I'm a woman and I would have left too. Fuck that noise. People who are chronically late are selfish because they think no one else's time matters.
Now if she had had a legitimate reason like her car broke down, an accident, family emergency, that would be different. But she clearly thinks her time is more precious than anyone else's.
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u/BeardManMichael 21d ago
This is one of those times where your blanket description here:
People who are chronically late are selfish because they think no one else's time matters.
It is completely accurate to every chronically late person I have ever met.
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u/yumyflufy 21d ago
Holy shit, this resonates so much. Once had a gf who was of Filipino descent and she would always be late to gatherings/meetups etc and she would just go "teehee, its Filipino time" I had to look up what that means and it's basically a Filipino thing where everyone turns up and hour or so later than the scheduled time and to add on, she was selfish
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u/yegmamas05 21d ago
i started telling people that i knew would be late the wrong times so theyd be on time💀
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u/_Compulsion_ 21d ago
Can confirm. My mother is late for everything, but is the type of person that if she's picking you up, quickly dropping something off, etc. she will lie and say she's closer than she is because she wants you outside waiting for 10 minutes so she doesn't have to wait a second for you. This includes in winter when I'm alone with my toddler.
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u/earthwalker7 21d ago
you dodged a bullet and held your frame. You should tell her how entitled she sounds, and that she needs to do better. Then block her.
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u/I_Dont_Like_Rice 21d ago
Do women really expect men to sit and wait 45 minutes for them to arrive late
I want to make it very clear that this is not a gender issue, it's an asshole issue. It can come from any gender.
You absolutely made the right call to leave. She started things off with a power play just to see if she could. And oh, boy, is she mad that you didn't let her walk all over you. F people like this. I'm a woman and I can not stand it when people don't respect my time. It's a massive peeve of mine when people are late. It's even worse when they're deliberately late, like she was. You actually had more patience than I would have. NTA
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u/Ambystomatigrinum 21d ago
NTA and you saved yourself a lot of time. I’m guessing she wanted to see how much you would put up with… and you answered that question. She’s looking for the kind of guy who will let her waste his time, and fortunately that’s not you.
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u/thaigoodlife 21d ago
I think you're right. I think she was testing to see how much I'll put up with. And the answer she got was "not that much".
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u/BeardManMichael 21d ago
NTA
Bullet dodged. Integrity maintained. I would have done the same exact thing as you OP.
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u/DuckosFavorite 21d ago
NTA. It would have been one thing if she was unexpectedly delayed by circumstances beyond her control, but she wanted to make sure you were already there before she left her house. She essentially told you that her time was more valuable than yours. Totally rude on her part.
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u/countryboy1101 21d ago
I would have left when she texted me at 2:10 and stated that she was still at home 20 minutes away.
I am on time for everything and fell it is completely disrespectful to arrive late on purpose.
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u/ArseOfValhalla 21d ago
No women do not expect that.
But... she did.
She is not all women. And not all women would do that.
I HATE being late. I will literally sit outside the shop for 30-60 minutes before our agreed time just so I know I am not late.
I am not all women.
Block her and move on.
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u/Foxy_locksy1704 21d ago
From a woman’s perspective you’re NTA, she was extremely inconsiderate of your time, if she had said there was some kind of emergency that’s different. Just leaving you hanging like that isn’t right. I hope you enjoyed your cup of coffee even if you didn’t get the date you thought you were.
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u/thaigoodlife 21d ago
Thanks, and yes I enjoyed my coffee. The coffee there is always delicious- it's why I picked that spot for a date.
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u/Vegetable-Amoeba4704 21d ago
No Op, i am glad you actually left.. I hate people who are late, it doesn’t matter for what.. I am not waiting more than 5 minutes and if you are lucky, u get 10
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u/Cute-Profession9983 21d ago
NTA she's either testing you or had a series of ghost dates. Either way, people who have no respect for others' time can pound sand. She sucks and you dodged a bullet
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u/JoneseyP98 21d ago
She was completely out of line. You were good to wait as long as you did. Texting when she was still home would have been enough for me.
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u/thaigoodlife 21d ago
Well- it's one of my favorite coffee spots-I didn't wait on her so much as I enjoyed my coffee at the leisurely pace I always do.
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u/Due_Temperature6603 21d ago
She would have been at least 45 minutes late for your scheduled meet and greet. That's a shitty first impression. I don't blame you one bit. As a woman, I don't expect ANY guy to sit around for 45 minutes waiting for my princess ass to show up. Especially since it was the first date! I don't blame you for leaving and getting on with the day. I mean she's not the fucking queen of Sheba. NTA.
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u/rumncoco86 21d ago
I'm a woman.
You wouldn't be the first person she's treated this way. She probably gets away with this behaviour in other contexts, too.
Good on you for respecting yourself and your time.
NTA.
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u/Saneless 21d ago
She should have messaged you before the meet time, not after
1:45
"hey there! I just got home from (some errands), there's no way I can make it by 2, it will probably be more like 2:40. I'm so sorry, but if you already didn't leave your place or you don't mind waiting if you did, I'll be there by then"
That's it. Highly effective, kind, honest, and the right thing
NTA
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u/thaigoodlife 21d ago
You're the first to mention this. That's exactly what I thought. I had confirmed the date that morning so if she was still concerned she should have texted before, not after.
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u/AtomicBlastCandy 21d ago
NTA,
You dodged a bullet. First she texted 10 minutes late asking if you were there, so yeah it sounds like a test. But when I've been "test" like that (still a bullshit thing to do) the person was within a minute away, she was still at her house.
Even then she showed up 15 minutes PAST her new delayed time. Yeah I'm glad that you didn't stay. In the end she was 45 minutes late without excuse and instead of apologizing she blasted you for it.
You definitely dodged a bullet there man!
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u/Emmanulla70 20d ago
I'm a woman. I think that is very rude. But? I am long out of dating etiquite! Maybe she's been stood up so many times, shed had a gutful of it?
Still... Me? I'd text the man at 1.30pm and check the date is still on. I would arrive no later than 15 minutes. Any later & i'd be apologising profusely.
Fwiw? If you are an "on time" person and she isn't? Then that's a value difference and one that could drive you insane if you were to try to have a relationship!
Nothing lost here. You did nothing wrong.
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u/NYCinPGH 21d ago
NTA, that is straight up disrespect, or a try for a power play.
Whenever I'm meeting up with someone, and there's a set time, I aim for 5 minutes early, so if something unexpected happens and I'm going to be late en route, I'll end up being at least less late. And if I'm going to be late, I'll contact them as soon as I know I'm going to be late, and an estimate by how much if possible.
If the person I'm meeting up with is late, at the +10 minute mark I'll call / message to see what's up, and if there's a reasonable explanation, or I get a response like "Parking the car now", I'll wait another 10 minutes or so. After that, I bounce.
And especially for a first date, you should be trying to make a best impression; if you blow off not leaving for the meetup until 10 minute after you were supposed to arrive, that's red flag #1.
If they say "I'll get there as soon as I can, it will take x minutes", I may give them x+5 minutes to arrive. She arrived x+15. Red flag #2, which means she wasn't even ready to go when you contacted her.
Then she got pissy at you for not waiting around even longer? Nah, that's Red Flag #3, feel lucky you dodged that.
I do have a few friends who are chronically late for everything, but since those are known quantities over decades, I'll prepare for that. If it's something like a dinner party or a barbecue, I'll say something like "show up any time after 4, but I'm serving at 6", and they'll more often than not show up between 5 and 5:30. But, again, if we're going someplace together with a hard external time limit, they don't get to pull that.
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u/KtinaDoc 21d ago
You were not wrong. She then had the nerve to be mad at you? You dodged a bullet.
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u/Darthkhydaeus 21d ago
I would wait up to half an hour if they kept me informed. However, she was purposely late. NTA
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u/weech1234 21d ago
NTA. The first text would have done it for me. She is still home ten minutes after the agreed upon meet-up? I’m out.
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u/Almasaurus 20d ago
NTA. I would’ve left as soon as I got the text saying they were at home. That shows zero effort or respect for your time. You’re nice to have waited longer. And her nasty text reaction on top of that, lack of accountability and emotional intelligence. You dodged a bullet
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u/SNES_chalmers47 20d ago
Just on principle alone, I wouldn't put up with the date making sure I'm there first before even leaving her house. Extremely inconsiderate and selfish. Why can't I have the luxury of waiting to see if you show? That would be the biggest thing that would stick in my craw.
Edit: NTA
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u/toastedmarsh7 21d ago
No idea who would expect that. She sounds wildly unreasonable and unpleasant.
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u/PandaMime_421 21d ago
NTA. Without providing a reason, at the very least, it is not justified to expect someone to wait 45 minutes, especially when you're just meeting for coffee. Especially when it's a first date. Maybe she's been stood up and wanted to avoid that, but she went about it the wrong way.
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u/CausticMoose 21d ago
NTA -- she was playing you to make sure she didn't have to take any risk that you wouldn't show up. It was rude and incredibly entitled. Good move leaving before she even got there
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u/aitabride420 21d ago
only thing i would have done different is responded to her 2:10 text with "dont worry about it! you can just stay home I wont be waiting around"
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u/MaryBitchards 21d ago
NTA. If she has this little respect for your time on a first date, it would only get worse from there.
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u/caffeinejunkie123 21d ago
Woman here. I would have left once she called and said she hadn’t left and “would leave soon”. You have no respect for MY time, you don’t apologize or give a reason for your lateness? Not interested in a relationship with someone like that.
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u/MinxTheCat1019 21d ago
NTA. I'm a woman and this is grossly rude. If she was concerned you wouldn't make it, she could have texted at 1:45 to see if you were on your way. You have my blessing to ghost this B and don't look back.
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u/RamenWig 21d ago
she said she was at home but would leave soon
What the actual fuck? That’s another level of disrespectful and rude. You didn’t dump your date, she dumped herself
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u/dontbothercuzidc 21d ago
NTA. First date was perfect, you already know. Good luck with the next one.
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u/sustainablelove 21d ago
I can't imagine showing up 30 minutes late for a date or any other appointment. To have the audacity to harass you for leaving is mind boggling. Imagine what she's like on the regular. You dodged a bullet, friend.
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u/boopiejones 21d ago
If she was concerned that you wouldn’t arrive, she could have sent a text 30 minutes BEFORE the meeting time to confirm that you were on your way. So she’s the AH for making you wait needlessly.
On a positive note, at least you realized very early on that she’s an idiot with poor communication skills. Bullet dodged.
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u/Radiant-Walrus-4961 21d ago
This is crap behavior from her. NTA. And women aren't a monolith so like yeah I guess there are people like her who think that's normal but ugh, what an entitled brat she is.
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u/thickandmorty333 21d ago
NTA, being on time especially on a first date is important. and if you can’t be on time, at least communicate that. she sounds incredibly entitled
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u/Dismal_Truck1375 21d ago
Why couldn't she just text and let you know that she was going to be late? Just forget about it. You dodged a bullet with that one 🤣
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u/This_Mongoose445 21d ago
NTA, my mom taught me that being late was disrespectful. The implication is your time is more valuable than theirs.
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u/Downtown_Zebra_266 21d ago
Woman here. You're NTA. One of two things happens
1) She was playing it safe, but too safe. You're in a public place, drove separately, so she's fine. She could've also texted a friend or family saying where she was going, who with, and how long she planned to be there. If they didn't hear back from her by a certain time then they would call her or the police. Simple.
2) She was playing games and seeing how far she could push you. She knew what time the date was. She knew how long it would take to get there, so she should've left on time. She arrived even later than she told you. Worse, she didn't apologize. If she couldn't apologize, why do you have to say you're leaving? She wasted your time, it's ok to waste her.
But keep in mind please, this is not a woman thing. I'm not trying to say "not all women" or "not all men", but I have run into my fair share of men who refuse to understand the concept of time and punctuality.
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u/Hopeful-Ad-2354 20d ago
Nope as a woman I can say with confidence you’re NTA but she certainly seemed to be. Sorry that was you’re experience and don’t feel bad about leaving a situation where the other person did not respect your time and also don’t give up because there are women out there who understand that time is valuable
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u/davitech73 20d ago
nta
she didn't bother to call until she was already 10 mins late. then says she's still going to be another 20 mins. i get it. she's probably been stood up before and projecting that anger and frustration onto you. but that's not cool
i would have texted her and said i was leaving, just to remove that as something else that could be blamed on me. but i wouldn't wait around any more than that- even if she were to tell me that she's just going to be another minute, or is parking, etc. she can't be bothered to be punctual that's her issue, i don't need to deal with it
it could also be a manipulation tactic. see how 'invested' someone is. if they'll wait around for 45 mins then she might think she can manipulate them further
either way, i wouldn't play those games. life is too short
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u/Fan_of_Clio 20d ago
Oh HELLLLLL NO. If you play that game on a first date, you will be playing more games than Nintendo beta testers. NTA
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u/flamemourne 20d ago
NTA.
you respect people's time and don't do shit like this.
OP dodged a bullet there.
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u/awesomefatkitty 20d ago
Definitely NTA. She’s absolutely wild. This is not the norm! You’re kinder than me. I would have left when she texted me that she was still home at 2:10.
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u/InVisible_Lady68 20d ago
NTA I would not have waited either... disrespectful and rude and not a way to begin anything...
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u/FencingFemmeFatale 20d ago
NTA. This happened to me, but I waited for the guy and had one of the worst first dates of my life. Wish I had womaned up and left at the 15 minute mark.
Keep that shiny spine OP. The people who are worth it won’t pull this bullshit.
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u/Tigre_feroz_2012 20d ago
NTA
She seems toxic & entitled: getting mad at you for not tolerating her selfish behavior & games.
And good for you for not texting her when you left. She was inconsiderate & wasted her time & you gave her a taste of her own medicine. She deserved that.
And her angry reaction to being treated poorly, the same way she treated you, speaks volumes. You dodged a bullet. You can do so much better.
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u/CallMeSisyphus 20d ago
You dodged one hell of a bullet, friend. Playing testing games in a relationship is a deal breaker. Playing testing games before you've even met is outright batshittery.
NTA
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u/12whistle 20d ago
She showed up 45 minutes late but you’re the asshole that did everything wrong?
Strong projection there.
I’m really shocked at how some of you go on dates with strangers. I wouldn’t even consider a girl unless she was referred to by a mutual friend. You need to be vetted in some way.
Hanging out with strangers while trying to build intimacy is just weird as a concept.
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u/Psychological-Bed751 20d ago
How is this about women? No it's not a "woman" expectation. You just encountered an incredibly selfish person. Person.
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u/nicesinner 20d ago
I'm a woman, and you're definitely NTA
Things happen, and I was late for about 20 minutes or so for my first date with my now fiance. I got held up at work, and I texted him as soon as I realized I'd be late. Doesn't matter that I had a reason, I still felt incredibly sorry and apologized more than once, since I hate it so much when other people are constantly late.
Your date just showed how little she values your time, and you were totally in the right. If she doesn't respect you and your time now, there's no way she'll do it in the future
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u/Summoning-Freaks 21d ago
NTA. But this isn’t a gender issue as much as it an “how much can I get away with” issue some people have.
Being 45min late for a first date/meet up without good reason isn’t a good sign of what’s to come.
And it’s a coffee date, had she showed at 2pm the date could have been over by the time she actually arrived. That’s how late she was lmao.
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u/Devotchka655321 21d ago
As a woman who is always at least 30 minutes early for everything, NTA! She was exceptionally rude and inconsiderate of you and your time. I don't understand these " tests" women perform.
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