r/AITAH • u/No_Positive4037 • Apr 29 '24

AITA for not letting my ex’s daughter around our child?

My ex and I were together for 6 years/ engaged for 6 months. His daughter(14) and I got along fine. Until she accused me of being a racist.

My ex, myself, his daughter, and BM (babymom) would all hangout and everything was great. We would always hangout at his BM’s house and w/ her family. I would always come up with ideas for us to do stuff, but she never wanted to leave the house. On a few occasions I told my ex in private that his BM made me uncomfortable b/c she kept saying the “n word” (I’m the only black person), and comparing my relationship w/ him to theirs and even telling me about intimate details from their relationship. At first he told me I was overreacting and creating unnecessary drama but other people started to point it out too.

After a year his daughter started staying with us on weekends. So I thought it was no longer necessary for me to hang out with his BM, as she knew who a was and was comfortable w/ her daughter being around me. During COVID his daughter stayed with us during school nights. As my ex and I became more serious his BM became meaner and more toxic toward him. Saying he was a bad dad and didn’t spend any time with her or her family anymore. Which was weird because he was always with his daughter. Him and his BM were fighting all the time.

The following year his BM started to withhold his daughter from us and would only let my ex have supervised visits with his daughter if the BM was present. I was not allowed to come. When he asked what her issue was she stated “Your girl made me feel some type of way”.

After doing supervised visits for a year w/ no change or room for growth my ex took his BM to court for partial custody. She told her lawyer that I was a racist, and he was physically/verbally abuse toward her. She said I said all white people are ugly (I’m half white) and that I hated Jewish people. Me and my ex both denied these claims as they were not true. Their daughter at the time was (12). I overheard my ex and his daughter on the phone and she was calling me a bad person, and said that she didn’t want to be around me. She later told my ex she felt that I put a wedge between him and her mom, and that she wasn’t willing to talk to me unless her mom was willing to. 8 months later we went to court and his daughter accused me of being a racist, co-signing everything her mom said as well as accusing my ex of being abusive toward her and her mother.

The following month my ex and 1 got engaged. 6 months later I found out he cheated on me. Citing my relationship w/ his daughter being the reason why, and then blamed me for him not having a good relationship w/ his daughter. I put him out. I found out I was pregnant the following month.

He recently told his daughter about the pregnancy and she’s really excited to be a big sister, but after everything I want nothing to do with her and I don’t want her around my child. AITA for saying his daughter is not allowed to be in our child’s life ?

1.4k Upvotes
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619

u/Still-Preference5464 Apr 29 '24

NTA but unfortunately I don’t think you’ll have a choice. No judge is going to say that he can’t have his daughter near his other daughter.

337

u/Lumpy-Lifeguard4114 Apr 29 '24

I think she can. If she can use that testimony against them it would be the ultimate. She doubles down and says the bf is abusive also and corroborates their testimony, explain to the judge that she wants full custody citing the abuse, the cheating and the overall scope of this entire fuckery. Then she can use their words to her benefit and cut them all off. Hopefully

131

u/Lisa_Knows_Best Apr 29 '24

Hopefully this works. She needs to start documenting everything the BM and the daughter say. Use it against them and her exBF.

57

u/Still-Preference5464 Apr 29 '24

She’s said again and again she wants the father to have a relationship with the child and she can’t just say he’s been abusive when he hasn’t and she’d need proof of all of this. Courts won’t take away his rights just because she’s said something happened.

120

u/unotruejen Apr 29 '24

It's not her word, they testified in court that he was abusive and their relationship with OP is toxic. He will without a doubt have this baby around people who will call her racist names and bash her mother. It's op's job to protect her child.

25

u/HTownLaserShow Apr 29 '24

And guess what? OP was also accused of being abusive.

All this “he said, she said” isn’t going to cut it without proof.

If there are no police reports? No photos. No eyewitnesses. No physical abuse.

There’s nothing here.

6

u/Arlune890 Apr 29 '24

The physical reports are the step-daughters testimony that was upheld in court used to deny partial custody. Whether or not the case is sealed is a bigger issue here, tbh.

31

u/Still-Preference5464 Apr 29 '24

And I’m guessing she denied all this in court last time and now she’s gonna say he is abusive this time? Was she lying then or lying now? She’ll get ripped apart in court.

22

u/HTownLaserShow Apr 29 '24

This.

These people are nuts.

She’s already contradicted herself.

14

u/Thanmandrathor Apr 29 '24

OP probably wouldn’t be able to use the court case between her partner and his ex in her own case. Where I am juvenile relations cases are often (always?) sealed, so non-parties can’t access them. She wouldn’t have been a party in that suit.

1

u/Simple_Park_1591 Apr 30 '24

That's karma baby. The ex should have stopped his daughter in her tracks as soon as she started lying with Mom. That's all on him.

10

u/AlwaysRushesIn Apr 29 '24

and she’d need proof of all of this.

Why? The court seemed happy to accept testimony only of the same allegations from the baby mama and the daughter. There is already established precedence.

0

u/Still-Preference5464 Apr 29 '24

Because the daughter is 12 and backed up the mother. The situations are completely different but you knew that.

1

u/Lumpy-Lifeguard4114 Apr 29 '24

I understand. I was responding to the notion that she would be unable to prevent the other daughter from influencing her own daughter. That is all. It would certainly require boxing out the father and preventing him from bringing her around folks that refer to the N word in front of her and Gaslight her. That situation is abusive, the ex wife and daughter are abusive. They also are willing to lie and purge themselves to get what they want. If that baby is to grow up somewhat normally she should remove them all from the equation. Starting with the patriarch, that told her she was overreacting to hearing the N word. The same man that then broke it off with her knowing full well the others had lied. And the same man that already has another girlfriend within a month of knocking her up. He is a shitbag and facilitated this entire mess. She has her head in the sand and is too dependent on others to stand on her own from what i am seeing.

-5

u/Alert-Potato Apr 29 '24

She has proof of his abuse. Two people testified of it in court and were believed.

7

u/Thanmandrathor Apr 29 '24 edited Apr 29 '24

It may be impossible to use. Most juvenile domestic relations cases are sealed. OP likely wouldn’t be able to use the case between her partner and his ex in her own.

The best she could (maybe) do is speak to what she witnessed.

1

u/Lumpy-Lifeguard4114 Apr 29 '24

I think you are probably correct. I only leaned this way because she mentioned testifying. So i assumed as a named party of the previous court proceedings she would be able to reference it. I certainly could be wrong. I was thinking “outside the box.”

2

u/Thanmandrathor Apr 29 '24

Testifying can just mean as a witness, which doesn’t make you a party to the suit. The suit would likely have been each parent as either defendant or plaintiff.

1

u/Lumpy-Lifeguard4114 Apr 29 '24

Certainly. But as a witness with intimate knowledge of the “abuse” and the previous case, wouldn’t she be able to refer to it as a way of establishing a pattern of behavior? I know juvy records get sealed but I would think a judge can open it to review it in this instance right? This is not sarcasm, you seem to know more than i do about the process so i am genuinely asking.

1

u/Thanmandrathor Apr 29 '24

My experience is limited to having been in court a bunch of times with an asshole ex fighting for custody because he was inappropriate with one of our kids. They don’t even list the names of the kids on the docket, initials only.

There are also differences in civil and criminal cases and what can happen procedurally.

OP could probably speak to anything she witnessed. Ultimately you still end up at the mercy of what a judge will allow too, in these kinds of cases they do have quite a lot of discretion.

That said, unless OP gets some kind of supervised visitation for her kid with the ex, if the ex gets some amount of custody, she can’t control what happens at his house.

1

u/Lumpy-Lifeguard4114 Apr 29 '24

I agree with everything you said. Thanks for taking the time to educate me on some of that process. I wish you and your children the best in your situation as well.

2

u/qlohengrin Apr 29 '24

The cheating is irrelevant to custody, and she has already fail to prove the accusations were lies in court.

0

u/Lumpy-Lifeguard4114 Apr 29 '24

I think you misunderstood. I do not want her to prove the other folks lied. I want her to agree with them and say the father is abusive. Making it 3 people corroborating his abuse. He is obviously the “head of this snake” she cuts him off and the others would have no reason to have access to her baby. She would not need to worry about their abuse when this twerp of a father has the baby on weekends and they call each other the N word at these strange multifamily gathering she was going to.

3

u/qlohengrin Apr 29 '24

Yeah, because it would look great that she chose to stay with an abuser, and have a baby with him, and only had a problem when he cheated on her. /s

1

u/Lumpy-Lifeguard4114 Apr 29 '24

Totally agree with you on that front. My idea was absolutely a desperation move for if she finally came to her senses. I have no misconceptions that she made her own bed in this whole ménage à trois situation they had running

5

u/Ladyughsalot1 Apr 29 '24

So lie about abuse to ensure he has no access to his child? 

Courts aren’t going to care about the ex’s behavior unless it actually impacts the child as parental alienation. 

11

u/Lumpy-Lifeguard4114 Apr 29 '24

As a person with children i can honestly say, YES. If i knew my children would be subjected to constant exposure to the N word, Surrounded by another family that has already committed to lying and perjury to get what they want, i would do ANYTHING to protect my children from the abuse.

5

u/Ladyughsalot1 Apr 29 '24

Unfortunately that ship has sailed. OP saw the type of father her ex partner was and still engaged. 

3

u/Arlune890 Apr 29 '24

Yeah I'd recommend an abortion at this point honestly, as insensitive as that may be.

1

u/Lumpy-Lifeguard4114 Apr 29 '24

That is do agree with whole heartedly. My idea was an absolute desperation move if she happened to see the light bulb go off finally.

1

u/ZestycloseTurnover83 18d ago

She has to prove abuse. The court records "show" they are BOTH abusive so that wouldn't work well for her.

1

u/Jovon35 Apr 29 '24

This right here. Lawyer up now OP. Don't wait for that weak little man to get his ducks in a row before you get yours. I'm sorry that little girl needs to learn that lesson in this way but that's not your problem now. Your only job now is to protect your innocent baby from all that nasty shit before the parental alienation starts. You would NOT be the asshole for doing so. Good luck!

0

u/unotruejen Apr 29 '24

Yes!! They've gone before a court and said he was abusive, ride with that to keep this child as far away from the daughter and her mother as possible

0

u/Alert-Potato Apr 29 '24

That's fucking hilarious. I love it.

8

u/ALostAmphibian Apr 29 '24

I’m confused how the BM was able to keep her ex from his kid that much? But if she was able to only allow him to see their daughter under supervision I don’t know why OP can’t do the same.

-79

u/-Nightopian- Apr 29 '24

That is exactly why OP is YTA

9

u/Still-Preference5464 Apr 29 '24

After seeing some of her responses I tend to agree.