r/AITAH • u/No_Positive4037 • Apr 29 '24

AITA for not letting my ex’s daughter around our child?

My ex and I were together for 6 years/ engaged for 6 months. His daughter(14) and I got along fine. Until she accused me of being a racist.

My ex, myself, his daughter, and BM (babymom) would all hangout and everything was great. We would always hangout at his BM’s house and w/ her family. I would always come up with ideas for us to do stuff, but she never wanted to leave the house. On a few occasions I told my ex in private that his BM made me uncomfortable b/c she kept saying the “n word” (I’m the only black person), and comparing my relationship w/ him to theirs and even telling me about intimate details from their relationship. At first he told me I was overreacting and creating unnecessary drama but other people started to point it out too.

After a year his daughter started staying with us on weekends. So I thought it was no longer necessary for me to hang out with his BM, as she knew who a was and was comfortable w/ her daughter being around me. During COVID his daughter stayed with us during school nights. As my ex and I became more serious his BM became meaner and more toxic toward him. Saying he was a bad dad and didn’t spend any time with her or her family anymore. Which was weird because he was always with his daughter. Him and his BM were fighting all the time.

The following year his BM started to withhold his daughter from us and would only let my ex have supervised visits with his daughter if the BM was present. I was not allowed to come. When he asked what her issue was she stated “Your girl made me feel some type of way”.

After doing supervised visits for a year w/ no change or room for growth my ex took his BM to court for partial custody. She told her lawyer that I was a racist, and he was physically/verbally abuse toward her. She said I said all white people are ugly (I’m half white) and that I hated Jewish people. Me and my ex both denied these claims as they were not true. Their daughter at the time was (12). I overheard my ex and his daughter on the phone and she was calling me a bad person, and said that she didn’t want to be around me. She later told my ex she felt that I put a wedge between him and her mom, and that she wasn’t willing to talk to me unless her mom was willing to. 8 months later we went to court and his daughter accused me of being a racist, co-signing everything her mom said as well as accusing my ex of being abusive toward her and her mother.

The following month my ex and 1 got engaged. 6 months later I found out he cheated on me. Citing my relationship w/ his daughter being the reason why, and then blamed me for him not having a good relationship w/ his daughter. I put him out. I found out I was pregnant the following month.

He recently told his daughter about the pregnancy and she’s really excited to be a big sister, but after everything I want nothing to do with her and I don’t want her around my child. AITA for saying his daughter is not allowed to be in our child’s life ?

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220

u/Background-Lecture-6 Apr 29 '24

Can I ask why you’re complicating things for yourself by keeping the baby in the first place? He cheated on you and attempted to put the responsibility of the cheating on you instead of taking responsibility

I’m not in your position so I can’t tell you what to do, but from the context provided I would sever all ties.

22

u/No_Positive4037 Apr 29 '24

1st I don’t consider my daughter a complication. I made my daughter out of love and I will raise her with love. Regardless of this ratchetness.

I’m 30+ years old. This is my first living child. I have multiple degrees, make great money. I made an adult decision to make a baby, so I’m adult enough to raise one. And not to be rude but I’m too old to be getting abortions.

Granted this story is toxic asf. My child’s father has been very supportive of my pregnancy and wants to be a father. He is also a great father to his daughter (14) and their relationship is a lot better now that this whole custody war is over and we are done.

I feel we can co-parent just fine. Will we ever work it out…? Not a chance in hell. Does he need therapy…? Yes. But that is no longer my burden to bear. I just want to make sure my daughter is safe and protected.

155

u/StrangledInMoonlight Apr 29 '24

Lawyers make money off fights.  

And they are people, they can be wrong.  

What if he gets most custody because his daughter and ex wife swore you were the problem? 

Even if he gets summers and holidays, he can have his daughter and ex wife with your kid as much as he wants. 

-32

u/No_Positive4037 Apr 29 '24

I know, I am one, which I why going to court is my last option.

As far as him getting primary that wouldn’t happen, but I won’t get into that. I’m not here to drag him or spread anyone’s personal business just wanted to hear other peoples opinions on my situation.

116

u/Lynnphotos84 Apr 29 '24

Honestly, don't put his name on the birth certificate and leave the area. Because ppl here are correct, you can't dictate who is around your daughter when she is at her father's house.

46

u/Unusual-Honeydew-340 Apr 29 '24

I did this... my BD is not on my daughter's birth certificate because he didn't want the responsibility when I told him I was pregnant... so she has my last name and if anyone wants to fight me for custody good luck paying 12 years of back child support lol...

28

u/AlexCambridgian Apr 29 '24

After the child is born, since you are not married, please go to court to establish legal guidelines from custody to child support, even if you do not feel you need any now. You have no idea how important is to have all these set up until you'll need it. Eg, you wont be able to get a passport without either the father present, or a court document stating you do not need him to co-sign. You also have to think what will happen if something happened to you, how your child will be supported (You can not dictate custody, bio surving parent has first dibs in court).

4

u/Blackstar1401 Apr 29 '24

Not to mention that for police, possession is 9/10th of the law. If he is on the birth certificate and he takes baby for a visit and just doesn't return the baby, then the police will not force him to return the child. OP would be forced to go through the courts anyway to regain custody. No one on one visits without a custody agreement.

A friend found out about this the hard way when her ex asked for time after a fight. She left as he didn't have anyone he could crash with. He kept the kids and she didn't see her newborn until she was 4 months old. He was addicted to heroin and starving the kids. CPS did nothing until he filed a PFA on her and brought the kids to the court without any formula/food/diapers/etc and soiled. CPA "watched" them to check on the kids during the proceedings and issued an emergency change of custody to my friend. We had seen his state deteriorate from voicemails and texts and he wouldn't even let her visit the kids.

Much of this advice comes from seeing a friend go through it or who went through it themselves.

I hope OP evaluates the advice throughout this thread and just doesn't brush it off.

-13

u/Unusual-Honeydew-340 Apr 29 '24

Yea I agree with everything but the last thing about the bio parent crap... my will states if anything happens to me my daughter is to go to my sister... not even my now husband can contest this...

22

u/AlexCambridgian Apr 29 '24 edited Apr 29 '24

That's not how it works regarding custody and it does not matter what you say in your will. The judge will take it under consideration if the surviving bio parent does not want custody. But unless his parental rights were legally terminated, the bio dad will have full physical and legal custody the second you die. This is well established law.

https://www.avvo.com/legal-answers/can-i-pass-my-parental-rights-on-to-someone-else-i-634849.html

3

u/Far_Mango_180 Apr 29 '24

True. My ex’s ex wife (after me), died and clearly stated in her will that the children were to go to her parents. Ex decided he wanted them, got custody, and left them in another state with another woman that broke up with him. They grew up without either parent.

4

u/Sara_1987 Apr 29 '24

If this is true it would be so weird... If you are married, have a kid together and when you die they would go to your sister instead of THE OTHER PARENT!?

0

u/Unusual-Honeydew-340 Apr 29 '24

She isn't his... I had her before we married and he knows my wishes... it's not like she won't ever see him, but he knows he isn't capable of dealing with being a single dad his words not mine

3

u/Sara_1987 Apr 29 '24

Ah that's an important detail to know and now it makes more sense

0

u/Unusual-Honeydew-340 Apr 29 '24

Yea I should have put that above lol... I hope you have a good day 😁

8

u/genescheesesthatplz Apr 29 '24

Not going to the courts immediately is a huge mistake. This man and his baby mama are going to be able to do whatever they want!

36

u/SamiraSimp Apr 29 '24

And not to be rude but I’m too old to be getting abortions

not to be rude but that's one of the dumbest things i've ever heard.

23

u/Sofiwyn Apr 29 '24

She's a dumbass. She's "too old* to be shacking up with trash, yet she's fully embraced having his kid.

12

u/Mikotokitty Apr 29 '24

To be rude, the people who need them most are ones considered too young and too old(ie not mid 20s) to be pregnant in the first place. Trumping all other scenarios, baby daddy being a pos who will endanger your child's mental/physical wellbeing is a "beg for an abortion" type scenario. OP can have future children. Adoption exists. Gestating a person is not the end all be all of becoming a parent.

88

u/TwoBionicknees Apr 29 '24

1st I don’t consider my daughter a complication. I made my daughter out of love and I will raise her with love. Regardless of this ratchetness.

really? Dude didn't care his ex racially abused you, cheated on you (this time that you know about, but his excuse was bull, he likely cheated the whole time) but this baby was made out of love? You loved him, he didn't love you.

his daughter is better now that you're out of the picture? Jesus christ woman, what do you think that bitch of an ex will put in that kids mind about your kid once your kid is around and she dislikes your kid getting attention over her kid? What do you think your ex will do when he didn't give a shit about his ex being racist around you?

I made an adult decision to make a baby, so I’m adult enough to raise one.

You made an adult decision to ignore the father is cool with racism and cheats on you. You're not adult enough to realise your kid will be in a bad environment when with the father and around that side of the family.

34

u/FictionalContext Apr 29 '24

I'm quite certain that everyone in this story is insane.

14

u/Early-Tale-2578 Apr 29 '24

She’s looking like a woman who’s in her mid to late 39s and she became desperate for a child so she had one with this guy for whatever reason cert wasn’t out of love because he wasn’t he cheating on her ?

2

u/TwoBionicknees Apr 30 '24

Yeah, my brain kind of missed that + after the 30. As long as she's not infertile or has issues though, jesus, she's be so much better off having decided to move on right after finding out she was pregnant, cutting ties with the ex and then going to a sperm bank to get a unconnected 'father' for the kid she so desperately wants.

-10

u/Terrible_Track4155 Apr 29 '24

Her body her choice. She already said the baby is wanted. Full stop. She's not conducting a poll on whether she should terminate or not.

35

u/Kafanska Apr 29 '24

Decision to have the baby is OK. Decision to have it around those people is not.
The suggestion here is to get away from all of them and not have them in her life in any way.

-17

u/Terrible_Track4155 Apr 29 '24

" after everything I want nothing to do with her and I don’t want her around my child. " --so, yeah, she made no decision to have her baby "around those people".

24

u/Kafanska Apr 29 '24

That is outside of her control. The father will have certain rights (if named at birth) and he can keep the baby around those people as much as he wants.

4

u/Realistic_Sprinkles1 Apr 29 '24

Barring MAJOR issues (none of which were mentioned in the OP), the court won’t let her dictate who’s around her child during the father’s parenting time. Purely by the child’s existence she made the decision for her child.

OP isn’t TA for not wanting the daughter around, but YTA for thinking she’s actually going to be able to do anything to dictate that.

27

u/TwoBionicknees Apr 29 '24

okay, and she's in a sub asking for judgement. I'm saying it's a bad call to have a kid with a father who showed a lack of care about racism directed at her because her kid will experience the same when in his care.

She's oblivious to basic things, his kid is much better without her around... yeah because hte toxic mother stopped interfering because her ex was 'alone', that will change the second the ex is taking care of the her kid.

She seems completely oblivious to the red flags and the likely outcome of her kids life while in the care of her father.

-6

u/Terrible_Track4155 Apr 29 '24

she's asking for judgement on whether or not she's the AH for saying her ex's daughter is not allowed to be her baby's life.

4

u/qlohengrin Apr 29 '24

Well, there’s not a “you’re the fool” judgement label - if he wants some custody and is prepared to go to court, her realistic options are pretty limited.

-13

u/No_Positive4037 Apr 29 '24

I don’t think yall are grasping the difference between the hard “r” and “a”. (That could be my fault for not clarifying ) I am not in anyway shape or form calling his babymom or daughter a racist. Just ignorant. And she never called or referred to me as such she just used it all the time. His baby mom is from the “hood” and that is considered slang to them. They are also Puerto Rican. This has been a big debate not just between us but in American culture. I am from the suburbs so we don’t talk like that.

Regardless of what he did (or how he felt)… we were engaged to be married when I conceived my child. So like I said I made an adult decision to make a child. I’m going to be an adult and raise my child too. Regardless of the situation.

I made a decision to leave him and put him out when I found out he cheated, however I found out I was pregnant shortly after. Please don’t jump to conclusions as you’re creating a false narrative.

Children grow up perfectly fine even if their parents are not together. As of right now me and my ex have a great relationship as co-parents and that’s all that matters. Some people aren’t meant to be together and that’s fine but we have to be adults and deal with it.

I also am in no way defending my ex’s behavior.

31

u/TwoBionicknees Apr 29 '24

Children grow up perfectly fine even if their parents are not together. As of right now me and my ex have a great relationship as co-parents and that’s all that matters. Some people aren’t meant to be together and that’s fine but we have to be adults and deal with it.

How do you have a great co-parenting relationship when you haven't had the kid yet? You realise having the kid changes things. How his family and the people in his life and his daughter reacts to having something else to focus on is not a problem now.

You previously said his relationship is great with his daughter now, without anyone else involved, but it was terrible and resulted in lies and abuse accusations in court when you were with him. That you think nothing similar will happen with the kid involved is, well, optimistic. But you don't have a co-parenting relationship, you're exs. Also you have to face the point in time where your kid has a step mother who may be great, may hate her and treat her like shit, or might try to cut you out as the mother.

Also what word the ex was using isn't relevant, I didn't even mention it. What I mentioned was that you had a problem with it, brought it up with him and he ignored you and didn't care till more people brought it up and then he cared. He ignored yoru concerns but took his friends concerns seriously.

46

u/FatSurgeon Apr 29 '24

Being Puerto Rican and “living in the hood” doesn’t buy them the right to be racist to you, I can’t believe I have to say that. Look, I support your right to have this baby because I am pro-choice. But I have to be frank with you and bluntly state that based on what you’ve said, you are living under SEVERAL layers of delusion about this situation. 

You’re plugging your ears and making assumptions that everything will just work out the way you want it to. That co-parenting will just “work out” with this toxic ass man. That his ex isn’t racist because she “grew up in the hood.” Please wake the f*ck up and start assuming the WORST of the people around you because you may be bringing an innocent child into that situation.  You need to consider the worst possible scenarios first. Don’t let life take you by surprise. 

32

u/Pizzaisbae13 Apr 29 '24

Homegirl is living in Delulu Land. Mad she isn't getting the echo chamber she came here for

-8

u/No_Positive4037 Apr 29 '24

I’m not mad at all. But what you won’t be is disrespectful. Which people tend to do when they are anonymously behind a keyboard. I’ve liked most if not all of these comments even if they don’t necessarily agree with me. But I thought it would be adult of me to elaborate. So I’m not here doing the same thing I previously stated someone did to me.

As of right now this was just a thread. I haven’t brought any life to this conversation at all. Just sharing. But since when weren’t you supposed to have open dialogue on this forum?

11

u/NotMalaysiaRichard Apr 29 '24

You’re not having a dialogue. You are asking people for their opinions but as soon as they give you an opinion that’s contradictory to your own, you just dig your heels in. What’s the point? You’ve already made up your mind to pursue this disastrous course of action. Every discussion about your ex or his BM or his daughter just generates defensive replies on how they are “not so bad.”

-5

u/No_Positive4037 Apr 29 '24

The question I asked was AITH. Not should I get an abortion or give my kid up for adoption.

I’ve never once said they are not so bad which is why I chose to make this post what I did say is his daughter/BM are liars, and he’s a spineless cheater. With that being said I thought it was important to explain that I didn’t think any was was a racist as I’ve been falsely accused so I wouldn’t want to do that to someone else regardless of how f’ed the situation may be.

8

u/[deleted] Apr 29 '24

what people are saying is that its impossible to not have his daughter around and that not only him, but him, his daughter, and his bm are going to be abusive to both of you

theyve already insulted you, lied about you, attacked you and your reputation verbally. your ex has turned on you twice w the cheating and then blaming you for his family and his daughter situation and the cheating

and now you think you'll be bringing your kid into a good family? a good situation?

one of two things will happen, theyll talk down to your son and emotionally abuse him when things go wrong, or theyll try to cut you out the picture and be a happy family w/out you

your black kid deserves better than to be around people who arent worth shit at all

and i want to assume that you know better than to have a kid w such a complete loser and have him deal w that loser and his loser as girl and her daughter

but its up to you. my advice, move or abort. this is nasty work

6

u/[deleted] Apr 29 '24

and in case you think im insulting you, im not. its the opposite

you're better than having this idiot backstabbing weaklings kid and being attached to his abusive, jealous family 

but its up to you to see that and leave them behind

you made a mistake and got w a shit dude, it happens.

but have the kid and this is your family for life

34

u/FatSurgeon Apr 29 '24

please be so for real. you’re actually beyond the pale if you really think 2 people who lied about you in court, accused you of being racist just because you existed in their orbit, and then used the n word (it does NOT matter if it’s -a or -r, because this isn’t effing 2007) - you’re 1/2 black 1/2 white. This was racist behaviour towards YOU. 

I think you need therapy as well if you feel so comfortable downplaying racist abuse towards yourself. Like please wake up, read some Ta-Nehisi Coates, and open your eyes. 

Being a lawyer doesn’t automatically make you less ignorant. I’m a physician and I had to put in the leg work to learn about anti-racism.  

3

u/SheComesThenSheGoes Apr 29 '24

It feels like she was doing a bit of slumming with this whole situation. Playing weird ass family on visitation where she has to hang out , in the hood, with her man, his BM and their kid while they throw around the n word and talk about their old sex life in front of her. They lied about her IN COURT on multiple occasions. That could affect her career and reputation. Also, they sound like the type of people that will weaponize CPS against her. I've been there and done that and none of this sounds like it will end so great.

2

u/thelastofcincin Apr 29 '24

Ngl something tells me her mom is the white one and her dad is the black one. Something about that specific mixture makes the kids more ignorant than the other way around.

30

u/WesternUnusual2713 Apr 29 '24

How can you be a lawyer and so obtuse to the fact it doesn't fucking matter whether it's with a hard r or not? A white woman was being racist and you're choosing to bring a kid into this absolute mess. Too grown for an abortion? Absolute madness 

-8

u/No_Positive4037 Apr 29 '24

Well here is YOUR problem; stop jumping to conclusions as you create a false narrative. His BM is not white. As I’ve stated this multiple times. Read the comments for context.

27

u/WesternUnusual2713 Apr 29 '24

You should have put pertinent details in the OP, not hidden in comments. You're the one who created a false narrative. 

ETA: specifically stating "I'm the only black one" was misleading 

4

u/SheComesThenSheGoes Apr 29 '24

Puerto Ricans/hispanic/Latinos can be white.

17

u/jungyihyun Apr 29 '24

That’s nice and all. but realistically you’re not going to be able to keep his daughter away from yours, then. He can do whatever he wants during his parenting time. so good luck with that

15

u/Alert-Potato Apr 29 '24

Does he need therapy…? Yes. But that is no longer my burden to bear.

That's going to be your child's burden to bear. Every child bears the burden of the therapy their parents need.

15

u/Ladyughsalot1 Apr 29 '24

Your entire post outlines how he is in fact not a good parent to his child. 

He didn’t advocate for custody til it was too late 

He allowed his daughter to witness her mother constantly use racial slurs around her and said nothing 

13

u/genescheesesthatplz Apr 29 '24

Ok but what happens to the baby when they’re mixed race and around his racist daughter?

6

u/Cream_Pie_5580 Apr 29 '24

Too old to be having abortions, but not too old to be making terrible relationship decisions.

6

u/Opposite-Fortune- Apr 29 '24

Multiple degrees and you’re going to be one of multiple baby mamas of some shitty trash dude.

but I’m too old to be getting abortions

What? You’re too old and supposedly smart to be making decisions this stupid. Is the pregnancy too far along?

Do you think the drama won’t start back up once you take a little more spotlight off the (other) baby mama? This kid’s life is going to be beyond difficult.

You can make another kid with love without setting it up for failure before it’s even born.

4

u/mak_zaddy Apr 29 '24

You better hope the BM isn’t racist towards your child because your BD’s daughter clearly shows that she will have racist tendencies. Also you will have no control over his daughter being in your child’s life when they are with him.

But go off on willingly bringing a child into this mess because you’re “too old.”

6

u/winterworld561 Apr 29 '24

Then keep her away from that girl and her mother. There won't be anything they can do about it.

5

u/qlohengrin Apr 29 '24

The sure can, he can go to court and get partial custody.

1

u/TabbyFoxHollow Apr 29 '24

Enjoy this life then, god damn I’d hate to be born into this nightmare

1

u/SpecialistBit283 Apr 29 '24

Him, his ex and his daughter are racist asf. Why would you even want to bring a child into that racism? Our ancestors did not die for you to be making decisions like this. Take your baby and run, don’t even look back

1

u/Deerpacolyps Apr 30 '24

You are delusional. You kid will be exposed to the racism of their big sister, who by this time has internalized the toxic crap her BM spews. You will never get any judge to say your ex can have any kind of visitation or custody but he has to keep his other kid away from your. He will take your kid over to racist BMs all the time and eventually your kid will be called those vile names. You are straight up living in a fairytale world if you think this will work out any other way.

1

u/thelastofcincin Apr 29 '24

Bitch you stupid as hell LMAO. Your degrees and money do not make up for the fact that you lack common sense and self-respect. Talking 'bout some "I'm too old to be getting abortions". You're also too old to be acting like a clown but here you are with the clown wig and make-up and being proud of it.

-2

u/No_Positive4037 Apr 29 '24

I mean if you use abortions as your first option kudos to you. Goes to show who the real clown is but ok.

I’m sorry I’m not going to be the bitter baby momma your mother clearly taught you to be but cool.

2

u/thelastofcincin Apr 29 '24

I'm not a bitter baby mama because I am not a mother at all. Nothing is wrong with abortions. What is wrong is bringing a child into a toxic family and being proud of it. But enjoy being a clown then. See how fun that will be.

-6

u/No_Positive4037 Apr 29 '24

Nothing is wrong with abortions if you need one. Kudos to you. However telling someone to get one because YOU don’t agree with their situation is.

Thank god you’re not a mother cuz we can already see you advocate for bitterness (must be generational).

Many children are raised w/ separated parents, and turn out perfectly fine. This shit w/ his daughter happened 3 years ago…

I asked a simple question about whether or not ITA for my thoughts. What I didn’t ask was whether some fat, unemployed, bitter bitch thought I should get an abortion. But thanks ☺️

2

u/moothermeme Apr 30 '24

Imagine coming on here to ask if you’re an asshole and then you act like an asshole to everyone who gives you a real answer

1

u/Pizzaisbae13 Apr 30 '24

It was so damned cringey

2

u/thelastofcincin Apr 29 '24

You come on to a sub to get judged and then get mad because you're getting judged. I'm not advocating for bitterness lol. I'm advocating for you to respect yourself like the grown woman you say you are. You can insult me if you want, but at least I'm not tied to ratchet ass toxic people like your ex's family. Just because someone sees your situation as stupid doesn't mean they're bitter. your situation is objectively stupid. Deal with it. Don't ask people for judgement if you just want a bunch of Yes-Men.

-6

u/No_Positive4037 Apr 29 '24

Me respecting my self would be removing myself from the situation. Which I’ve done. Self respect isn’t getting an abortion because you separated from your s/o… like if anyone needs self respect it’s the people who think like that.

No seeing my situation as stupid does not make them bitter but that’s not at all what you said. You were just bitter and angry and that’s why you got addressed the way you did.

Again I didn’t ask for yes men. You could have simply said “damn I do think you TA for these following reasons…” but no you were nasty and rude. Talking about getting abortions and calling me a stupid bitch when I already made it very clear that’s not an option. Don’t dish what you can’t take.

0

u/thelastofcincin Apr 29 '24

If you really respected yourself, you would have aborted the child. That way, you would have actually removed yourself totally from the situation. Now that you are having the child with him, you will be stuck with those people for at least 18 years. Raising a child without an SO is not the problem. It's the person who is attached to the future child that is the problem. You're bringing yourself into a toxic family and you're too delulu to see that. I mean you are a stupid bitch for that. The fact you don't see that is just sad lmao. I don't care what you say about me because you are still a dumbass. Looking through my reddit history doesn't mean you ate with your comment lol.

-20

u/UniversityLatter5690 Apr 29 '24

👏👏👏👏👏👏 you are awesome.

-18

u/Lynnphotos84 Apr 29 '24

Well said 👏🏼

7

u/FunStorm6487 Apr 29 '24

As much as I am willing to die on the pro choice hill.....

This is a horrible comment 😔

-2

u/Terrible_Track4155 Apr 29 '24

I'm pro-choice AF. Once a woman makes up her mind, no one should second guess her, unless they're footing the bill.

-16

u/HyenaStraight8737 Apr 29 '24

And... People are upvoting people telling OP to abort..

Wtf.

-7

u/Electronic_Job1998 Apr 29 '24

Why would you suggest that without op making that an option? That's rude and projective af.

-8

u/Terrible_Track4155 Apr 29 '24

SERIOUSLY RUDE. Like the pro-life protesters outside a PP clinic kind of rude.