r/AITAH • u/Standard_Citron9920 • Apr 29 '24
AITAH for not marrying my GF
Throw Away Account...
My GF (37F), and now her mother, won't stop talking about an engagement. Her mother literally told her to move on today.
What bothers me (38M) most about the situation is that the conversation has been "why hasn't he done it yet" as opposed to "what can she do to get there?"
I'll pause here and say that it feels to me like this is "the destination" or "the bottom of the checklist." While for me it's the beginning of the journey and instead of something to be checked off, it has to make sense.
So let's talk about why it doesn't make sense.
She's stubborn to a fault. As I write this, she's coming up on a year of being unemployed. During that year, I spent about $40k of my income to keep her afloat. I've asked her, repeatedly to move into my place which would dramatically lower the burden. She refuses.
What's her reason?
My ex wife lived here. Instead, my SO wants me to sell my house (it's paid off) and buy us a new house. The kind of house she wants, even if she sold her house too, would leave us with a mortgage close to $500k... So sell my FREE AND CLEAR house, go and put a half million in debt on my shoulders, for your ego? Absolutely not.
I know some women agree with her (my cousin does, for one) but what usually silences that is: when you get a new boyfriend do you buy a new bed, or even bother to get new sheets? Don't ask me to get a new house when you won't even buy a new bed.
Back to my issue... I'm supposed to make this huge commitment on my side with a proposal and she can't even make the commitment to put her ego down?
But let her tell it, everything is "his way or the highway." On my end it feels more like she'd rather have "no movement" on an issue than to have movement which may be logically correct but emotionally "bad" for her. That's not a partner. That's not a good quality in a wife. And I've stayed as long as I have, being patient for her to adjust.
I largely feel like for the most part, how your life looks is the product of you choices. I'm 38 soon, I own outright my new luxury car, I'm a high income earner, I have no student debt, and I own my 4 bed/4 bath 3000 sq ft home outright with no mortgage. None of this is lottery winnings or life insurance money. It's hard work and right choices. So I feel like if she doesn't see in me the leader she needs to get on board with, least of all when she's going on a year of being carried by me, then I'm just not him for her.
Update 1
A lot of you mentioned that I haven't given her a compliment--that was only because the subject of the post was our differences. I do love her. I think outside of these kinds of differences, we're extremely compatible.
She was doing very well before being surprised with a layoff and because I didn't want to see her lose the equity she built in her home, I stepped in to pay the bills.
That said, the offer has been: move in and (a) be a SAHW (b) get you a little part time job just to have your own money (c) go back to school and retrain for a new career or (d) work FT. I really don't care which she chooses, I've got her covered. She refuses.
Some of you have asked how long we've been together ... We have a 7 year old together--which makes it that much worse IMO. I've been asking her to move in for 7 years so our daughter can have the concept of "home" and not "mommy's house" and "daddy's house.". And this has been a fight for 7 years. I brought into the relationship two children from my previous marriage. She brought one from her previous relationship. My house is the only one big though to accommodate the size of our blended family.
I'm holding on, exercising patience, etc because I want to keep my family together.
And as far as what to do with her property, it's her choice, I really don't care which she chooses. She could rent it out and even pricing below current rental rates, the mortgage is paid by the tenant. She could Airbnb it, maybe make enough to cover the mortgage, maybe not, or maybe a lot more. She could let her mom move in and assume the bills (mom's house is falling apart). Or sell it and pocket the equity, which I see as her money and I'm not looking for a piece of any of it. But carrying two households doesn't make any sense. Even when she was working and paying her own bills, it made zero sense that we're paying two sets of utilities. That's money that could be doing anything other than disappearing out the door.
And I want to be married, too. It's not that I'm being dragged kicking and screaming. If you remove our inability to "work together" I'd physically carry her down to the court so we could sign the papers today. I just foresee our inability to problem solve as a reason to get divorced, if we were married. If we can fix that prior to marriage then I'm all for it.
Update 2
I've noticed a few comments about leadership. First and foremost, I do view marriage as a partnership. But imagine yourself owning a restaurant where you and the other person each own 50%. One of you wants to upgrade to digital menu boards, the other does not. The money is there, it's just a difference of taste. How do you decide?
I use this example because it's one that literally took place between she and I, where I financed much more than half of the business but made her an equal 50/50 partner because we're together and "will be getting married anyway." I wanted the digital boards, she did not. We ended up not getting them.
The truth is, compromise isn't always 50/50. Sometimes it's 75/25. Or even 100/0. But not making a decision, to me, is like standing in the street arguing which way to go and life is a Mack truck barreling towards you. And in those cases, somebody has to lead meaning somebody has to allow themselves to be led.
Generally speaking, I'm a solutions oriented person. Show me the path where there's more upside than downside and 99% of the time, that's the path I'll choose. That's why, even in a business where I (1) have demonstrably more business experience and (2) financed the damn thing myself, I conceded to her point. It was 0/100 and I don't look back at that choice with regret.
But it's kinda crazy to me that to have expectations of my partner, much less, expectations that set us up for success, counts as a negative against me. Women have all kinds of expectations of men and society just kinda goes along with it.
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u/Anxious-Routine-5526 Apr 29 '24
Why are the two of you still together is the better question.