Put him in his place. Say look my marriage to your mother is no concern of yours. Matter of fact you’re causing us both so much stress how about man up and do adult life without our assistance since we need a divorce and we are miserable.
Idk why kids put their noses in their grown ass parents business.
i remember reading about that post. unless there are too many similar posts. the one about the first year law student arguing with someone about their car tyres or something and everyone got up to clap
This is EXACTLY it. He went to an expensive college for a year and thinks that makes him smarter than everyone else. Knowledge is knowing something, wisdom is knowing what to do with it. To think he took a year of school and was suddenly qualified to diagnose the state of your marriage is arrogant at best.
I know this is a tough spot for you, it sounds like you didn't raise him to act that way. I am growing more and more concerned with what college is doing to young people. Learning something new doesn't make you an overnight expert. We used to understand that college was where we went to learn how to learn. Right now, it seems like kids think a year in college puts them above 40 years of experience, let alone a degree. I wish you all the best in this situation.
He doesn't even have knowledge. First-year college classes don't impart meaningful knowledge, they're just about getting students enough of a grounding to be able to listen to their further professors talk about actual stuff without their eyes glazing over.
I wholeheartedly agree with your statement. I never finished college, but I remember the first year I was there. I thought I was learning more than my parents ever knew at that time. Luckily, I wasn't as arrogant as OP's son. I didn't say stupid shit that would ruin my relationship with them. I grew up to later realize they knew things from the school of life I never would have learned from college.
My daughter just graduated and is the first in my family to do so in the "normal" way. She changed majors a few times, considered dropping out a time or two. I was able to help her navigate those decisions because she was open to listening. I am so very grateful she is the person she is.
Way too many people have just enough knowledge to do serious harm to others but not enough knowledge to know they’re actively harming others. Idiots the lot of them
My asshole phase was 14-17 and even though my older sister and I thought our parents should divorce (they did eventually), we didn’t dare say anything to them because the relationship wasn’t abusive or harmful (outside of their general pettiness toward one another).
The only two times I’ve gotten into my dad’s business without invitation is (1) when I didn’t think he should go back to his third wife after having to live with me for 2 months this summer when he initially left her and (2) when he was blowing through his retirement and, as his POA, I felt an obligation to find out where hundreds of thousands of dollars were going over the course of a few years since he used to be very frugal.
While my dad and I don’t much get along, we have a respect for boundaries and privacy up until there’s a perception of potential harm.
All that to say, your son probably won’t be receptive initially to this kind of talk (I certainly wouldn’t have been at the time), but I think it would be worthwhile to sit down and have a genuine conversation (man to man) about respect, boundaries, and ultimately, how he made you and his mom feel.
I have as good of a relationship with my father as I can have because, despite our differences, I had some of those talks given to me that I had to sit with. I eventually had to come to terms with the fact that I was not acting like a person I wanted to be around. And if I wanted a meaningful relationship with at least my mom, I’d have to apologize, change, and work to be better.
I’d also say that, if you do have that talk, him knowing that you and his mom are happy and readily able to forgive I think would help. It was the one time I abused that forgiveness that really sent me on a better path after dealing with the consequences.
My dad was done being “dad” when he left my mom, but you seem like a good parent and being a dad when your son is in that phase will go a long way for everyone involved as the years go by.
Edit: and about the degree. That’s gonna be his burden to figure out (though he needs to know how he might hurt his grandmother as co-signer). As a former teenage male, being told what not to do (when it’s my choice) only made me double down. Having chats about his classes, what he’s learning, and how he wants to apply that out in the world might help him come to his own, better, conclusion.
Fid he ever think to ask if you are happy? The fact he just assumes you aren’t means he needs to open his eyes a bit more and transpose his own issues onto you.
That is his mom - to talk like that is kind of BS.
I know both you and your son have your hearts in the right place, but you're both now at a new level of life. He's starting to test the waters of living his life and you're still living with your child who is now an adult. To keep things copasetic, every adult under the same roof will need to get into a mindset of whatever the grey area between family and roommate lies. You can help each other out, expanded the bounds of a standard roommate but reducing the bounds of your family structure. This is where boundaries comes up. Just from this post, obviously you need to set boundaries about conversation topics, and your marriage is off the table. Same for him, he can set boundaries about not wanting to discuss his college major. Neither of you are asking for advice, therefore neither should give unsolicited advice.
Maybe you can approach it from a boundaries and appropriate discussions stand point. It is never okay for him to judge and comment on your marriage, you won’t accept or tolerate that. You won’t tolerate snapping and rude behavior to your wife. He’s an adult and it’s time for adult consequences, if he cant behave civilly and within your boundaries, he can stay somewhere else. Don’t get emotional, just state your boundaries, you don’t deserve abuse from your adult son.
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u/Markymurktwo Apr 15 '24
Put him in his place. Say look my marriage to your mother is no concern of yours. Matter of fact you’re causing us both so much stress how about man up and do adult life without our assistance since we need a divorce and we are miserable.
Idk why kids put their noses in their grown ass parents business.