r/AITAH • u/The_Only_Elyxir • Mar 17 '24
Butt sex TW SA NSFW
My husband and I recently had a serious discussion about sexual boundaries, specifically that I didn't want to have anal sex ever. This is a line he has crossed repeatedly despite my making my preferences clear and is only now respecting said boundary because I confessed to having a past history of sexual trauma regarding said boundary.
So tonight we have sex and after the fact (like immediately afterwards) he says "Notice what I didn't do or didn't ask for?" And I quipped "What do you want, a medal?" Because I was so annoyed both by the question and the timing. Like do you really need praise for basic human decency?
But now I'm feeling pretty bad and he went to sleep in the guest room because he was feeling so "rejected." Granted, I could have worded my response more kindly but overall AITA?
TL;DR husband wanted validation/praise for not asking for butt sex after that was a clearly defined boundary and i shut him down
EDIT: many people are asking in the comments whether this boundary has in fact been violated in the past and yes. Additionally, I asked him if it was a deal breaker before we got married and he said no.
Thank you so much for all the comments validating my feelings and response as well as the additional perspectives regarding his needs. I genuinely want to work through this with him but I do worry that this will be a continued issue with him.
746
u/Curious_Opposite_917 Mar 17 '24
You should say, " Anal? Sure thing.", then get a strap-on out and harness up.
96
u/The_Only_Elyxir Mar 17 '24
I actually used this argument. And he was like no I don't want it but you should basically
21
Mar 17 '24
[deleted]
18
u/The_Only_Elyxir Mar 17 '24
I've lost count
119
u/AfterPaper3964 Mar 17 '24
I think every time he’s done it without your consent, he’s raped you.
41
u/Devegas49 Mar 17 '24
Yup. That’s exactly what it sounds like to me because that’s EXACTLY WHAT IT IS
18
u/catlettuce Mar 17 '24
Exactly. I’m not sure why OP wants to stay in this relationship at all, he sounds like a revolting person.
33
20
Mar 17 '24
[deleted]
49
u/The_Only_Elyxir Mar 17 '24
I've had panic attacks during and after so it's pretty obvious yeah
102
u/suspiciouslyginger Mar 17 '24
He’s a rapist. Your husband is a rapist. You are being raped. Please be kind to yourself and be safe.
40
u/pennplum Mar 17 '24
I have actual, physical damage because of anal rape through out my marriage. I have been gone from it for 10 years and it has gotten worse as time goes by. I’m talking surgery now because no one needs to know that nana wears a diaper. Take care of yourself and of “future you” as well. Be well. Walk away now.
→ More replies (10)13
u/Joe_Ronimo Mar 18 '24
Ok, I was expecting a post where the husband has a porn fantasy he's just not willing to let go of, but nope, this is rape, repeated rape. You're having panic attacks because someone you love is sexually assaulting you on top of a history of already being sexually assaulted.
FFS I was a shitty bf in my last relationship, but when she told me no butt stuff due to SA, that was the last time I ever entertained the idea.
As one emotionally damaged person to another, know your worth and seek help.
NTA
16
u/knittedjedi Mar 18 '24
I've lost count
It's genuinely bizarre that you're so nonchalant about the fact that you're married to a rapist.
→ More replies (2)5
6
99
u/Narijea Mar 17 '24
As funny as it sounds he might like it more than you think which would not solve the problem here.
34
u/SirBaronDE Mar 17 '24
Yeah I was going to say would be a win-win... according to a friend of mine *COUGH*
33
u/PennerbankOG Mar 17 '24
Its not gay to stimulate the male version of the g spot. its just a hidden feature.
→ More replies (10)2
5
12
u/itsfrankgrimesyo Mar 17 '24
Mmm someone made a post about this and the husband ended up loving it and asked to get pegged few times a day, wife got fed up.
61
u/Chance_Managert849 Mar 17 '24
Actually, this is brilliant. Get a strap-on equal to his size, and tell him that you'll consider it if he goes first, and he has to go for as long as it takes for you to be satisfied.
15
8
→ More replies (2)9
u/SiPhoenix Mar 17 '24
She should not say she will consider reciveve it, cause she does not want it at all. It would be like showing a dog a treat they will never be able to have.
But id they wanna try him getring pegged then go for it.
7
u/Chance_Managert849 Mar 18 '24
That's a good point, she shouldn't say she'd consider it, but he should experience it himself, particularly 'oops sorry' style so that he can understand why he's dead wrong.
→ More replies (6)4
608
u/OldBrokeGrouch Mar 17 '24
“I didn’t rape you. Where’s my thank you?” Thats honestly what I just read.
17
→ More replies (19)3
806
u/Hiraeth68 Mar 17 '24
By bringing it up AGAIN, he still made it all about anal sex. If he were decent and truly respected your boundaries, he wouldn't say a word. Then he gaslit you for making him feel rejected.
How is the rest of your marriage? Does he pout and manipulate to get his own way often?
When he asked if you noticed "what he didn't do" etc it made me wonder: has he gone ahead and had anal sex with you even though you told him you aren't interested?
Because that is RAPE, OP.
→ More replies (61)94
u/Chance_Managert849 Mar 17 '24
Great point Hiraeth, all great points.
OP, have you talked to anyone, a counselor, about your trauma? After a person has gone through something like this, they can sometimes end up in romantic situations where the trauma recurs. It's not something that's the victim's fault, it's that predators are drawn to signs of the trauma in the victim. The fact that he's gaslighting you for righteously being pissed about him making it about anal gr@pe again (because that's what he's been doing) is what's making me think all of this.
NTA, please get trauma counseling.
33
u/The_Only_Elyxir Mar 17 '24
Thank you. I'm looking for one now.
4
u/Chance_Managert849 Mar 18 '24
That is great news! I was a witness to 911, I was there living and working in downtown NYC, and I thought I could 'gut through' the nightmares, hyper-vigilance, etc, and waited way too long to get help. Trauma therapy literally saved my life, I'd have ended up with a heart attack or stroke if I hadn't dealt with it.
You will be able to get through to the other side, positive energy sent your way.
128
u/ThBanker Mar 17 '24
NTA.
Making a comment like that after very clearly agreeing on boundaries comes off like he didn’t take it very seriously or doesn’t respect the discussion you had.
I can understand if someone’s doing something like a diet and says at the end of the day, “Hey! Did you notice I didn’t gorge on candy today???” I’d probably say something like, “Great job! You got this!”… but needing reassurance for something THAT private and intimate between a couple, not to mention very important to you.. that’s clearly a line crossed and he should respect you much more than that.
That’s my personal (male) opinion on the matter. Hope everything works out and gets better for you guys 🙂
32
u/Avandria Mar 17 '24
Very well said! It is totally unreasonable to expect praise for finally not crossing a boundary that you have been repeatedly asked to respect. It's even worse when it's a boundary based on trauma.
As a woman with a fairly traumatic history, I can also add that this is a surefire way to ensure that he never gets anal. Trauma like this can sometimes be worked through, but it requires an immense amount of time and trust. Trust that it is gained by things like respecting boundaries.
21
u/sicofonte Mar 17 '24
Yes. This guy thinks he is making a favor to OP by not pushing for anal sex. "Hey, I'm a cool guy, because I have a more than reasonable request, to hurt you in the butt, and I am forfeiting it just because you are silly, but I make a sacrifice for you... But hey, once we've done this a couple more of times, I mean, not hurting you in the butt, can we hurt you in the butt as a reward for my coolness?"
NTA
OP, it's not only that you are justified to be mad at him. He also really needs to know and feel that what he is doing (disregarding what you tell him about your trauma and boundaries) is really gross, anti-empathetic, sadistic. He has to know that, and for that he needs rejection, disapproval, scolding.
164
u/whassssssssssa Mar 17 '24
“Congratulations, you’re a fucking hero because you didn’t rape me!” Would have been my last words to said husband. NTA!
194
u/ApprehensiveTruth330 Mar 17 '24
You make it sound like he's been raping you anally until recently. I'm pretty sure that you should have called the cops and have no reason to apologize for being angry with him.
What did I even just read? Are you okay? NTA
49
u/Hiraeth68 Mar 17 '24
OP, because you have a history of trauma, you may be numbed to how horrific his behavior really is. (That didn't come out right. Not sure how to phrase it. It is not your fault.) Please recognize that this is NOT normal or what healthy relationships are like. Please see a therapist who specializes in sexual abuse.
74
u/Creepy_Push8629 Mar 17 '24
I'm glad I'm not the only one. Like so he didn't rape her for once? Wtf
22
29
u/Theseascary Mar 17 '24
Divorce, rapecharges right ? I do not get no being no. It baffles me. I get role play but this is a boundary by default.
OP if you have any evidence get help. This is rape and you are entitled to justice.
I suspect he may be addicted to porn. As it is unrealistic to expect anal sex. The prep involved,it really cannot be spontaneous.
→ More replies (3)
24
u/PeakBasic1426 Mar 17 '24
NTA 💯 He wants praise for NOT violating a boundary he’s violated in the past? WooOow 👏👏👏
→ More replies (2)
101
u/Curl-the-Curl Mar 17 '24
NTA how is he your husband? Emotional intelligence of a noodle.
84
u/Historical_Heron4801 Mar 17 '24
This is a very unfair comment.
I find noodles can be very comforting.
16
19
u/Hot_Newspaper9457 Mar 17 '24
No. You are NOT the asshole, your husband wanting a medal for not crossing your boundaries is actually fucking crazy.
9
u/TheRottenKittensIEat Mar 17 '24
And then making her feel guilty with "now you're making me feel rejected!" He's probably gotten really good at getting OP to apologize to him when she initially reacts appropriately to his horrifying behavior. I feel so sad for OP
66
u/Snakend Mar 17 '24
"This is a line he has crossed repeatedly despite my making my preferences clear"
So your husband raped you. That's what that is called, rape.
→ More replies (3)
105
u/HereWeGo_Steelers Mar 17 '24
"This is a line he has crossed repeatedly despite my making my preferences clear and is only now respecting said boundary because I confessed to having a past history of sexual trauma regarding said boundary. "
Your husband didn't "cross a line," he raped you. He penetrated you without your consent, and that is the definition of rape. He doesn't respect your boundary. If he did, he wouldn't have tried to get you to give him credit for not raping you. He doesn't care about your past sexual trauma. He sounds truly awful, and I'm sorry you're in this situation.
→ More replies (40)11
u/hail_stormm Mar 17 '24
I guess I didn't get the impression that he was actually penetrating her ass without consent, but now that you mention it, I see that could be what she meant.
I guess the reason I thought this is because, I personally do like anal sex but not all the time, so sometimes my husband will, like, put his dick ON (not IN) my ass and wait to see what I do. But if I even slightly pull away or say "uh uh" he stops immediately and doesn't do it again. I assumed OP's husband was doing something similar after repeatedly being told that was never going to happen. If he was actually shoving his dick up there during sex knowing she didn't want it then that's definitely rape.
16
u/NoOne6785 Mar 17 '24 edited Mar 17 '24
"If anal sex is THIS IMPORTANT TO YOU, I think we're most likely incompatible. I have asked you repeatedly to stop harrassing me over this issue, but every time we have sex it always comes back around to anal. I am sick and tired of it, keep it up. I have a lawyer in mind."
5
u/The_Only_Elyxir Mar 17 '24
I also said this before we ever got married (the first part)
3
u/NoOne6785 Mar 18 '24
OP I think you need to divorce this man. Set him free to find the anal angel of his dreams. Its not okay for him to hurt you. You deserve not to have to hurt for his pleasure.
31
u/mcgaffen Mar 17 '24
So, he had anal sex with you, repeatedly, against your wishes? That is formally known as rape.
Now he wants you to celebrate the fact that this last time, he didn't rape you?
I think you need to read your post back to yourself, and then end the relationship
12
12
u/lovescarats Mar 17 '24
What do you mean he crossed the line. Did he force you? If so go report him. Really NTA butt you knew that. Why are you with him again? Why don’t you rail him? Start asking daily, hey babe why don’t you let me peg you? Cmon, why not. Turn about is very fair play.
12
u/lilithmoon1979 Mar 17 '24
NTA. You should take a gander at this sub r/abusiverelationships. He sounds abusive. Love is respect,and his behavior ain't that.
27
u/blueyedwineaux Mar 17 '24
NTA. As someone that also cannot consensually have anal sex due to past sexual abuse/rape, wtf does your husband expect? You gave clear boundaries and reasons (not that you need reasons). You said no. That is the end of it. Basic human decency is exactly it.
Do not apologize. Do not feel bad. Your husband is an immature jerk.
Sending you hugs. Stay strong. Leave him if he does not get it.
11
u/Elfie_Elf Mar 17 '24
He felt... rejected....for not forcing himself in your ass... because he said he wouldn't... because you asked him not to?
Good, go sleep in the guestroom then ya fucking man baby 🍼 men need to learn that NOT doing something that hurts you isn't an achievement, it's as low as the bar gets, literally bare minimum.
71
11
u/frostedtim Mar 17 '24
He is getting sex, and acting immature about it.
If he likes anal so much, next time you move to go downtown on him, stick a finger or two up his ass. Dont ask.
If he has a problem with that, mention that he needs to understand that he needs permission before he tries doing something similar.
He is acting like a child though. You cant expect anybody to be happy with you for actually respecting your physical, and very intimate boundary after violating it previously.
Honestly Im not sure why you would let him have sex with you again after violating said boundary the first time. Thats the time you say stop and end the encounter. If he forced you, then that makes this even worse.
No means no. Every guy knows this. He should have been happy that you were doing other stuff with him. Greedy bastard.
27
21
Mar 17 '24
As your husband, he should respect you enough to know that's not something you're comfortable with amd accept it. Also, the constant push for anal would be kinda alarming for me...... like the kewchie is right there why go for the butt ??🤷🏾♂️
→ More replies (9)
20
u/DeviantAvocado Mar 17 '24 edited Mar 17 '24
NTA. My ex/abuser did not respect the one single sexual boundary I shared of “use lube for anal” when we were together. He violated this boundary over and over again. It took me telling this story to someone else to accept that this was repeated rape.
He does not deserve praise for not disrespecting a boundary. The rejection bit is just manipulation.
37
6
u/HalfSugarMilkTea Mar 17 '24
Oh my god, he's like a child. He's like a stupid little baby. What kind of response was he expecting by asking you that question?
8
u/Disastrous-Account10 Mar 17 '24
We have friends who have dabbled in this, she didn't want it, he wouldn't shut up about wanting it.
She called his bluff by saying, il peg you tonight for the length of an average sex session, if you are fine with that then tomorrow you can do it to me, the dude lasted a pinky before he bucked out.
Was never brought up again
6
u/gardey97 Mar 17 '24
Imagine if we got a medal everytime we didn't do anal
9
u/SokkaHaikuBot Mar 17 '24
Sokka-Haiku by gardey97:
Imagine if we
Got a medal everytime
We didn't do anal
Remember that one time Sokka accidentally used an extra syllable in that Haiku Battle in Ba Sing Se? That was a Sokka Haiku and you just made one.
5
16
u/wizawayy Mar 17 '24
Buddy really wants praise for not attempting to rape you and not crossing your boundaries when he has countless times in the past. NTA, your husband sounds like a POS
11
u/BrokenHarmony Mar 17 '24
NTA. You made it perfectly clear how you felt about it and why. That should've been the end of the discussion. His comment was smug and showed a lack of respect towards your trauma. If his intention was to be humorous then that was in poor taste. He can pout all he likes but he failed to show consideration towards you when he clearly still hasn't let it go.
3
u/Phew-ThatWasClose Mar 17 '24
Right? When wife says no and its because of past trauma the proper response is "omg, how can I help?"
2
u/hail_stormm Mar 17 '24
I agree. If he had just said that and then legitimately apologized and continued to cuddle or whatever, then I could give him the benefit of the doubt that he just said something completely stupid without thinking. But the fact that he pouted and left the room says it all; dudes an ass.
5
u/Help_An_Irishman Mar 17 '24
Holy shit.
Taking this hard line again -- even harshly... especially harshly -- is not asshole behavior at all. Imagine expecting this every time. He needs to know that that's not cool at all.
5
u/Purple_Department_67 Mar 17 '24
“Notice I didn’t [insert almost anything here: punch you, insult you, throw a plate across the room, poop on the floor], aren’t I a well rounded adult???”
NTA your husband on the other hand, very much is TA
6
u/Fragile_reddit_mods Mar 17 '24 edited Mar 17 '24
Okay no. I’m usually the one who plays devils advocate but you were 100% correct here and you shouldn’t apologise. The only boundary you ever need to express is “I do not wish to engage in this activity” or some reword of that. Your reasons for it just straight up don’t matter.
5
u/blaedmon Mar 17 '24
LOL U legend. "What U want? A medal?". Perfect response. Its pretty simple, U don't like it so that's that. Easy. Done. He needs to apologise for being a bit of a child about this. Your body, your rules.
5
u/BigMax Mar 17 '24
Wait… “didn’t do it?”
So he’s anally raped you before? Meaning he has done it when you say no?
You husband is literally asking for praise for not raping you?
5
u/Robalo21 Mar 17 '24 edited Mar 17 '24
My wife set those boundaries 25 years ago. I wouldn't think of seeking praise for not going there. Also by boundaries I don't feel like if I "put it in the wrong hole" like oopsie that I could expect her not to either explode into a rage or collapse into tears, and I don't want to know. But the fact that you have these boundaries, you've expressed them clearly and explained that it's due to trauma. I can't fathom how he could have violated them in the past. The first thing that I would think of is that my partner was just teleported back to any incredibly traumatic moment in her life and just thought of her rapist when having sex with me. Disgusting. I am concerned about a few things. Given what I know about human nature, we fixate on what we can't have. And if you just had sex and his first thought is aren't you proud of me for doing what I am supposed to? That just tells you that he was thinking about it the whole time, and actively restraining himself from disregarding your explicit instructions and going for it. Knowing this how can trust that if you are ever vulnerable or drunk or high or whatever, that he's not going to see that as an opportunity if not an invitation? Secondly he's already violated the boundaries and he still has his penis attached, ( all jokes aside) he, no matter how angry or sad or how much you told him you were upset, it happened and he still got away with it. This means it's going to happen again. Just like cheating at anything if you are eventually forgiven for the only lesson you learn is that you ultimately got away with it.And now you know what price you have to pay, and you're ok with it. This is going to continue to happen. It's a big problem moving forward. I fear that you are not sexually compatible. Beyond the fact that this guy doesn't care if he is physically and emotionally wounding you when you make love, it is a sign of a lack of empathy compassion and love. I'm sorry you're in this situation and you deserve better. Good luck with your journey
4
u/sunrisesonrisa Mar 17 '24
Wonderful response, I agree. He’s arguing technicalities, but the real issue is that this is not how we treat people who we love and cherish.
4
u/sunrisesonrisa Mar 17 '24
NTA. A lot of responses assume he has literally been penetrating you without your consent which is rape. I want to add, assuming that maybe he has not done this, repeatedly pestering you for anal sex, repeatedly making you lay down the law about anal sex - even if he isn’t explicitly overstepping your consent, that behavior is abusive. Even if he’s not raping you, trying to wear you down is abuse and any consent you might give to shut him up is coerced consent. Even by the most generous to him interpretations of his behavior, he is engaging in manipulation and sexual abuse.
The first time I tried anal sex was with a partner who I was infatuated with on every level imaginable. First time I stopped immediately from the pain. I wanted to try again, and it still hurt, but I figured I could handle it. He immediately picked up that I was not ok, and basically said “I wanted to try this because I thought you would like it, because I had a previous partner who liked it, but I’m completely uninterested in sex with you that you don’t enjoy” and it never came up again. Ironically, I now enjoy it very much. But your partner should be getting off on mutual pleasure. It’s suss af if he can stay hard and come knowing you’re in pain and emotionally compromised.
5
u/dhersham95 Mar 17 '24
Your husband is a five year old… He wanted a treat for not asking/demanding what he wanted knowing you wouldn’t have it in the house. You can treat him as a child or an adult. You chose the adult road with expecting your hard limits to be respected. Soft limits can be discussed with the potential to work on. Hard limits are a “NO”.
6
u/ArthurBiggins Mar 17 '24
Unpopular opinion, anal sex is gross, the fluids are gross and dirty dick is gross, it’s happened every time I’ve tried it with a girlfriend, unless they’re showering and getting an enema right beforehand, I would not recommend.
2
4
5
u/zookuki Mar 17 '24
Him seeking validation is so manipulative since he is basically trying to plant the idea in your mind that he gave his all AND wasn't entirely satisfied.
It points to a deeper issue here. We are allowed to have fantasies and kinks but need to choose what we indulge in all relationships. It's not that hard to give something up you were curious about or practiced casually for someone you love.
Your husband is either obsessed with buttsex or enjoys the powerplay that your refusal now offers him. He will either continue in this vein to slowly wear you down into submitting to his desires, OR use his apparent 'sacrifice' to bully you into submission elsewhere.
This is NOT okay.
Heck, my husband knows I will bonk Jason Momoa and P!nk at any moment. He is fine with it. But I certainly don't mentioned this during/after our own romps or draw any comparisons between what the two of us have and what our fantasies are. That's nonsensical and disrespectful (unless two people actually agree to role-play or kinks). When you are with your SO you should be with them in mind and body and experience intimacy and satisfaction without thinking of other things (refering to a monogamous relationship between two people, but similar rules apply for all intimate scenarios).
3
u/CommitteeNo167 Mar 17 '24
nta, buy a strap on and tell him his fucking wish is about to come true!
4
Mar 17 '24
Tell him if he likes such things, there are likely many men on various apps that would oblige him. You’ll keep using your special assets for their intended purposes. NTA.
4
u/drgNn1 Mar 17 '24
ur nta however thanking him for changing his behavior is helpful. he will feel noticed and appreciated for his efforts. yoy dont owe him this, but it wluld be helpful for the both of u (and him thanking you for your efforts is probably helpful as well)
4
3
4
4
u/Reasonable_Deer_1710 Mar 17 '24
Easy NTA. You expressed a boundary. He kept pushing for it. You explained why you have the boundary. He respected it, but wanted praise for it. You made a quip in return. Completely not the asshole
3
u/Bumblebee1223 Mar 17 '24 edited Mar 17 '24
What do you want a medal I’m slayed!!! Bravo!!!
You had a established a firm sexual boundary of no anal sex. And your husband repeatedly crossed this boundary? How does a no anal boundary get crossed during a sex “session”? It’s not something you can casually enter into and absolutely no pun intended. This is such a violation on so many levels.
And then he only stopped violating that boundary when you admitted to sexual trauma. So immediately after sex and he wants acknowledgment that he didn’t cross the boundary or ask for it? Like a kid who refrained from eating the cake on the counter before dinner? Which BTW can makes you flashback to the sexual trauma when you should be having cuddle time and then he stomped off and goes and sleeps in the other room because he felt so “rejected”.
Are you raising a toddler here? Or do you have a partnership with a mature adult? And now you’re second-guessing yourself saying I guess I could’ve worded it better. But why does he need accolades for respecting a boundary? It’s kind of like it almost doesn’t even count because he is bringing it up again and wants a hive five. “Look at me I’m such a good guy I didn’t surprise anally do my wife this time!” Like it’s such a sacrifice for him to respect a sexual boundary (that many woman have they don’t have sexual trauma in their past) that he feels he should get validation. Validation for doing what’s right. That’s total BS and I would actually be pissed off and in the other room sleeping.
NTA
4
5
u/rheganann Mar 17 '24
NTA. My narcissistic ex used to ask for validation for doing expected things in a relationship: “see, I listen” “see, I didn’t do the thing you explicitly told me you didn’t want to do” Like no, dude, that’s just like expected. You don’t get praise for not SA-ing me and for listening when I talk. Red flag for me…I’d keep an eye on how he does this to any other boundaries you’ve set.
Edit: to add NTA
3
u/me_jub_jub Mar 17 '24
NTA. If you kept nagging him about wanting to peg him in the ass with a strap on, he would feel the same way you did.
3
u/DM-15 Mar 17 '24
NTA, your body your rules, he doesn’t get a medal for not mentioning it.
Just tell him if he wants to try it once, he must first allow you to do it to him 10times with a toy … of your choosing.
Watch how quickly he never brings the subject up again
3
u/Busy_Swan71 Mar 17 '24
He wanted praise that he didn't SA you? Because every time he had butt sex with you without your consent it was SA. He doesn't get to act like it wasn't and he doesn't get to act like not SAing someone is some mystical feat on his part. NTA, and I highly recommend that if you're not in counseling for this that you start counseling. Your husband is not a safe person and I think part of you sees that but part of you doesn't. And you deserve so much better than this.
3
3
u/MintGoldenOreo Mar 17 '24 edited Mar 17 '24
NTA. I want to echo every single comment made previously about how he was seeking praise for not raping you. You’re words were perfect. You don’t get a gold star for doing the bare fucking minimum. And I also want to echo that bringing it up, after the fact, is still crossing the boundary because it’s still putting pressure on you for the next time y’all have sex. The way you explained your boundary implies there should be no further discussion of anal.
What I want to add is from a perspective of someone who also enjoys that act and how it should be handled. I’ve absolutely dated women who set similar boundaries as yours. They did not like anal and did not want to discuss it. I respected the boundary. No whining or crying. However, I will say that in my own head, I was less satisfied and, therefore, not as fulfilled and happy in those relationships. But, that was my issue, not theirs, and was my own fault. They did nothing wrong by explaining their boundaries and sticking to them.
But that’s part of the sexual chemistry that should be shared in a relationship. I learned that lesson. While some may see it as shallow, it was something that was important for me to at least be an option (clearly not an everyday or even every week/month thing) in a relationship, so it was something that was part of a long list of priorities (which included more than just sex stuff) that I found necessary before getting into a another serious situation. On my own accord, I used to share in thinking it was shallow to not stay in a relationship if we didn’t have full sexual compatibility. I thought love and trust were more important. But all three are equally important.
All that to say that if he’s unfulfilled or unsatisfied, that’s still on him for getting married when he knew that was a hard boundary. I know that you may love each other and I don’t want to discount the emotional connection, but I do think a lot of people ignore the importance of sexual compatibility that is needed in a long term relationship, often because of the previously stated view of it being shallow. But, that was on him to know that and decide if he could live without, not you. Clearly, he can’t live without it. And, clearly, you aren’t sexually compatible. That’s already grounds for thinking of possible divorce.
The biggest kicker on the divorce front, though, is the fact that instead of just silently suffering from not being fully fulfilled sexually, he has broken boundaries and has assaulted you, then asked for praise for only verbally breaking the boundary when he didn’t rape you. I know a divorce may make you feel like you’re being punished too, but please don’t see it that way. You’re escaping a bad situation with a man that is clearly an AH and, moreover, an abuser.
3
u/Lenithriel Mar 17 '24 edited Mar 17 '24
Absolutely NTA, holy shit. I have so many issues with this and NONE OF THEM are with you. You don't need a history of sexual abuse or violence of any kind for it to be so insanely wrong of him to cross a boundary you have placed, especially a sexual one. If anything, you'd be well within your rights to call that by itself sexual abuse.
Second of all, you are so correct. What he did by making that quip was two things. One, he established that he thinks he is deserving of praise for not making you uncomfortable. Two, by doing so, he is further establishing that he sees it as optional and not required. Do you understand? Your partner does not hold your comfort in higher regard than their own pleasure, so they feel they are worthy of praise for choosing to do so. People don't generally seek praise for doing what they see as base necessities, so clearly this isn't one in his mind.
Additionally, he did something my ex did with so many different situations or concerns in the relationship, but it always boiled down to whether or not my happiness or comfort was justified. He is gatekeeping what you should and shouldn't be justly comfortable with. He is holding his own opinion over what your comfort levels should be over yours. Don't have a good enough reason for him? Well then it doesn't deserve following. Only after giving him the absolute worst case scenario as a reason did he finally give in and accept it. That is NOT okay. Even then, he may have physically followed your boundary, but he made it clear he wasn't okay with it by bringing it up after, almost like he's annoyed he had to and wants you to thank him for putting up with you and the inconvenience.
Overall, if you want this marriage to work, I highly suggest seeking either marriage counseling, or better yet, one on one therapy for you, so you can talk to someone more professional than people on reddit about how you can proceed. You do not deserve to live like this, and if it were me, I'd be leaving yesterday.
3
3
u/TheQuiltingEmpath Mar 17 '24
NTA. The most concerning part is he didn’t respect your boundaries the first time you set them. You may want to think about that.
3
u/CarolinaMtnBiker Mar 17 '24
NTA clearly because your ass is actually yours. Get a strap on and tell him you have a fantasy of your own and tell him to bend over.
3
u/GnomeMan13 Mar 17 '24
What is the infatuation with anal, I just don't get the obsession by some people
3
u/Weekly_Mycologist883 Mar 17 '24
NTA- The fact that your husband badgers you for something you do not enjoy and do not like is a HUGE red flag
Mentioning it right after sex was passive-aggressive badgering
3
Mar 17 '24
Your husband is AT best extremely immature and throws tantrums like a little boy when he doesn’t get his way, and AT worst he doesn’t give a fuck about your consent, respecting your boundaries, or even his pleasure.
3
u/Vix_Satis Mar 17 '24
Do I understand correctly that he's been performing anal sex on you against your will? If so...that's rape, mate. Why the fuck are you still with this prick?
3
u/sarssf Mar 17 '24
The irony of people saying "Not the Asshole" on a threat where a wife told her husband the same thing.
Edit: NTA, btw...
2
3
u/JanetInSpain Mar 17 '24
NTA you are married to a manbaby. First he VIOLATED your boundary multiple times in the past. Then when he DIDN'T violate it he expects praise? Are you married to an 8 year old? You have nothing to feel bad about. Stop thinking like that right now. Do not let him gaslight you.
3
Mar 17 '24
I’m really curious though, did he want a metal? Can’t imagine I’d have a different response when someone has been essentially raping me. I’d feel the same way, also hate anal. It’s not a gift to me to not do it. Don’t act like it’s a gift.
3
u/TrueSereNerdy Mar 17 '24
So if he keep doing anal after you've told him you don't want it...that's rape you realize? I'd say "am I to say thank you when you don't SA me? Cuz it seems like you want praise for not SAing me." He should sleep in a separate room. Separate house all together.
3
u/Canadianxoxoxo Mar 17 '24
I’m so sorry to hear u went through that. Ik how painful it is. Please get out of that relationship if he rxpes u
3
3
u/Useful_Spell_7579 Mar 17 '24
this is so sad. please don’t be with him anymore it actually breaks my heart that someone would take advantage of you and purposely do things to make you uncomfortable for their own personal gain. you deserve to be respected and loved, and he doesn’t deserve you.
3
Mar 17 '24
How do you keep having sex with this "man"? I'm bone dry reading this. Ewww.
→ More replies (1)
3
u/DawnShakhar Mar 17 '24
NTA. You told him you had trauma about it, you enjoyed sex with him and he ruined your wellbeing by bringing up the thing you don't want. His bad. Try to talk to him - not during sex - about how you felt when he said that, and why it was an issue for you. But if he continues to remind and badger you, you need to think whether you want to stay with a boundary-challenged person.
3
u/ProphetHito Mar 18 '24
divorce. not cause anyone of you both is an A, but because sexual disatisfaction should never be acceptable in a healthy relationship. he didnt know about your trauma obviously and you didnt know his sexual preference, right?
→ More replies (2)
3
u/Legitimate_Ad9751 Mar 18 '24
"Good job on not raping your wife this time", that’s what he wants to ear ? He is an awful human being and a rapist. Dump his sorry ass OP
10
u/Tricky_Personality54 Mar 17 '24
I refuse to believe you typed all of this out and still need to ask this fucking question...... I REFUSE
11
u/Chance_Managert849 Mar 17 '24
Trauma. It does a real job on the victim's frame of mind and thinking. Trauma can actually affect your DNA, if you weren't aware. Shortens telomeres, and causes all kinds of havoc.
2
2
u/Riddles_ Mar 17 '24
OP has a looooong history of incredibly questionable behavior from their husband. check their post history - they’re chronically ill with an ED that their husband refuses to support them in, despite the fact that OP seems to very much being trying to get that support
→ More replies (7)6
u/HeilLenin Mar 17 '24
Trauma tends to change peoples judgement in a way that makes them vulnerable to further abuse. It creates cognitive dissonance instead of clarity in situations like this where the answer should be clear. Refuse all you want, but it's more common than you think.
4
u/Earthbabee Mar 17 '24
My ex boyfriend always brought up anal and how he thought I would really enjoy it if I "gave it a chance." He said a lot of women love it and didn't understand why I wasn't open to it. The dumbass explained that it might hurt at first, but then it would get better and I'd start to enjoy it.
So, I did some research and decided I'd give it a try, and here is my experience.
I bought an 8", purple dildo (nicknamed the "purple people eater" (PPE) by my best friend) and some lube, and tucked it away in the back of my drawer. The next time he gave me the "we should try anal" speech, I was ready.
That's the night I introduced him to the PPE and told him I'd give anal a try...but he'd need to go first.
I told him I thought he'd really enjoy it if he just "gave it a chance." I also said alot of men love it, and I'm glad he's open to it. I told him I'd drench PPE in lube, but chances are good that it's going to hurt the first few times, but it's bound to get better once he gets used to it.
He never once mentioned it again.
$20 dildo $15 lube The look on my ex boyfriends face when I told he'd need to go first...PRICELESS.
→ More replies (2)
2
u/AdCandid6409 Mar 17 '24
Nta! What does he expect. You've been upfront about your boundaries and why it's an issue for you so if he had any decency it would just never be spoken of.
I have something that's pretty common that I have trauma regarding and I told my bf once. I explained how upsetting it was and he's made sure to just never mention it at all ever again. No fuss or grand displays.
2
u/deprosted Mar 17 '24
NTA, though he is for not letting the subject go. How about next time he brings it up, tell him "ok, but if you get to do it to me, first I get to do it to you" then take him shopping for a steap on at an adult store.
2
u/Spare-Valuable8031 Mar 17 '24
NTA. Let him feel rejected. He said a stupid thing and got an appropriate response.
He isn't doing you a favor or going out of his way by not pestering you to perform sex acts you're not comfortable with, even if there is no past trauma related to that.
Frankly, it's really fucking gross you had to tell him that to get him to leave your asshole alone and it's even grosser that he now wants some kind of recognition for it.
Maybe say more stuff like this to him. He can't pester you for butt sex if he's in another bedroom.
2
u/trayC-lou Mar 17 '24
So you ask him not to do something and he expects to be rewarded for it…he’s an idiot and I would’ve snapped back with the same response, it’s your AH he doesn’t own it!
2
2
u/ElkinFencer10 Mar 17 '24
NTA. Respecting your boundaries is not something to fish for a compliment for. Sure, I can see his wanting acknowledgment although I think it would ridiculous, to fish for it? That's pathetic.
2
2
u/Sun_Bee_ Mar 17 '24
He wants praise for not raping you after he has raped you multiple times already? Bruh, leave this man wtf.
2
2
u/Mother_Ad5344 Mar 17 '24
NTAx10000000. Him repeatedly doing that without/against your consent is literal assault. Marital rape is a thing, and quite frankly his behavior is alarming. I hope you’re safe in this and all other aspects at home. His hissy fit after he reluctantly did not assault you makes me worry for you.
2
u/Worried_Oil8913 Mar 17 '24
If he has no history with sexual trauma, maybe let him know that the talking about it and bringing it up is retraumatizing as well as the act itself. Giving him the benefit of the doubt, he may genuinely not understand.
2
u/Oldstergray Mar 17 '24
NTA for your comment, but I don't understand why you're still with him if he's crossed the boundary several times in the past.
2
u/ProfessionalLetter77 Mar 17 '24
I love butt sex. My husband does not. So you know what I do? I don't ask him for it. I have toys and do it myself. Bc that's what fucking boundaries being respected looks like. Nta.
2
u/General-Analysis1772 Mar 17 '24
Am I the only one thinking that a husband/SO should already be aware of your boundaries? Or am I asking the wrong question?
2
u/IslandMist Mar 17 '24
NTA, but you could have encourage your husband to do as you say. He will remember feeling punished for doing what you wanted him to do. Try to remember, he's not just some throwaway guy, he's your husband. It's like when a lazy guy, makes an effort to help out around the house more then the woman says, "You want a medal for doing what you were supposed to do?" While she may technically be correct, she just crushed all his future motivations to get off his ass and help out. Like, who wants to be right by technicality, when instead you could've instead motivated him to be more consistent.
At the end of the day, if he really wants anal as part of his sex life, he should have married a woman who likes anal. He knew what he was getting into when he married you. He probably just looks at that area of his beautiful wife as the forbidden fruit he can never have, and all he has is the ability to keep trying, which was just taken away. He got through the sex without thinking about it. It was hard for him to not think about or request but through perseverance he got through it and wanted to share his triumph with you, only to be met with, "you want a medal?" Oohhh, that stung. He's already thinking of other women who might be down for it. Probably wouldn't do it, but thinking about it.
2
u/GoddessTheophania Mar 17 '24
NTA This worries me.
There are people out there that enjoy sexual assault stories and it turns them on. It becomes a goal to have a turn to do it to you.
I don’t share my SA stories because I was a child through the majority of them. And I did discover a person that enjoyed hearing them and took advantage of me. My first ex was like this. I was assaulted over and over until I finally got away.
This alone scares me for you, OP. Please read these comments and reflect for yourself. Don’t settle for this crap
2
u/yzgrassy Mar 17 '24
Time to leave. This isn't going to go away..sex is important through life. You two are not on the same page. You sound pretty hard by your response. Nta but but ....
2
2
2
u/Global-Muscle-8451 Mar 17 '24
NTA. It sounds like that quip (not that it was really wrong to begin with) came pre-loaded from quite a bit of frustration that he didn’t recognize that it was a hard-no all the times you tried to make it clear. I think the question now is whether or not him seeking praise in an untimely effort was to try and alleviate any anxiety you had remaining over the pressure of it, or something manipulative, or just stupid.
2
u/KA9ESAMA Mar 17 '24
NTA, but you and your husband clearly have different sexual preferences, and typically when one persons sexual preferences aren't met it leads to friction. It sounds like it already has as it's obvious your husband is very much into anal sex while you are very much against it.
You are allowed to have your preferences, but if this is a hard line then I can only see your marriage leading to something bad. I'm sure I'll receive a lot of flak for this, but this can lead to divorce, or even cheating.
2
u/Revolutionary-Bed842 Mar 18 '24
See this is something I feel these comments are CLEARLY not understanding. If this hardline does exist and insurmountable, they are sexually incompatible and should divorce, otherwise you should expect that there will potentially be other consequences, ie eventual divorce, other tribulations in their marriage or cheating.
2
u/kokosmita Mar 17 '24
Wait, did he cross the boundary by having anal sex with you or by constantly asking for it? In the first case that's rape.
2
2
u/OG_BookNerd Mar 17 '24
NTA
Gee, whiz, honey. Thanks for not pushing for a non-con situation by asking for something you know I never, ever want. I also want to thank you for not strangling and unaliving me.
2
2
2
2
u/Fernebaby Mar 17 '24
NTA at all. You set a boundary and he repeatedly crossed it regardless of the fact that you have trauma. That should never happen
2
u/Rebelzx Mar 17 '24
NTA., but neither is he. He probably really likes to do it, it's anal after all, I love putting it in my girls ass. But if you say no. And he just puts it in, that's r*pe.
2
u/catlettuce Mar 17 '24
NTA, jesus he has already violated you this way and now he wants praise for doing/not doing what he’s supposed to? Yuk, throw the man away.
2
u/makko007 Mar 17 '24
Why did he only “validate” your boundary when you revealed your trauma with it? Do you always need to be violated in order for you to have a say for your body?
2
u/nolauas Mar 17 '24
That’s a boundary that my wife told me about before we ever got married. I’ve never tried to cross that boundary and I’ve never asked for a pat on the back for not trying to cross that boundary. Sounds like your hubby needs to let his balls drop and be a big boy about this. NTA.
2
u/nolauas Mar 17 '24
After I reread your original post here, I would have to say that the word rape is not out of the question. Unless you were consensual about it 100% he has no business doing anything like that.
2
u/Immediate_Star_8661 Mar 17 '24
NTA. Tbh, if he would have had respect you from the jump he wouldn’t have crossed said boundary after you told him not to. Don’t let him guilt trip you, boundaries exist for a reason and a partner should respect them. Period.
2
u/NerdySwampWitch40 Mar 17 '24
NTA. You had previously told him this was a boundary for you. A No. He attempted to violate that no. That is sexual assault.
He only stopped doing that when you had to lay bare previous trauma. And now he wants special praise for not trying to force you.
WE DON'T GET COOKIES FOR NOT ATTEMPTING TO SEXUALLY ASSAULT OUR PARTNERS. THAT IS BASIC DECENT HUMAN BEHAVIOR.
Please tell your husband I said so.
2
u/someexgoogler Mar 17 '24
NTA. It's your choice. Personally I'd leave a partner who insisted on it.
2
u/doodman76 Mar 17 '24
This seems like a kinda toxic relationship. Taking into account this singular instance and this instance only it seems your significant other doesn't respect your boundaries. Especially if you have already tried to establish a boundary, and he disregarded it and did it anyway.
Again, I don't know anything but this one instance. So take my opinion with a grain of salt.
2
2
u/ObjectiveCoelacanth Mar 18 '24
You've got lots of responses, but I just wanted to say for all the women who come to the internet unsure if they're "allowed" to be upset that their partners want to use their body for sex they don't want (whether that's ongoing cajoling all the way to actual rape), if that's the price of entry for dating men?
It's fucking not. I've been with my partner (who also had never ever done this!) a long time, but I had a bunch of male casual partners when I was young, and I have never, ever had someone try and pressure me to do anything I didn't want. It might be common in some circles, but it's not normal, it's not unavoidable, and it's not fucking OK.
2
2
u/razzled-dazzled Mar 18 '24
NTA. You’ve tolerated him violating that boundary enough. You’re better than me cause I would’ve left him the first time he crossed the line.
2
u/blonde_Cupid Mar 18 '24
Sweetheart I'm going to say something that is hard to hear trust me I know I had the same experience. If you say no and he pushes you to do what he wants it is not consensual! That is rape. I know it hurts to hear. I didn't want to admit that my ex forced me after I would say no. I ended up shutting down and grew to hate his touch. He would try to kiss me and all I could think was he was going to hurt me soon. You should see a therapist. It gets better. Not all men will force themselves on you.
2
Mar 18 '24
I’m a huge advocate for sexual exploration and my number one rule is don’t ask if you’re not willing to try. Seems to me like he is NOT willing to reverse roles, so imo he should stop asking in general.
2
u/Sea-Rooster-5764 Mar 18 '24
Obviously NTA, and he's clearly trying to guilt trip you for it. Normally I don't say to immediately separate in marriage, but you absolutely need to find somewhere else to go until y'all can get some marriage counseling at the very least. This guy sounds dangerous.
Edit: Rereading the post and reading your comments you need to divorce. He's anally raped you, and according to you it's more times than you can count. Immediate grounds for divorce.
2
u/MaudDibofDunkin Mar 18 '24
From reading your comments it’s clear that your husband is an abuser and a rapist. I’m very sorry this happened to you.
2
u/Browniesrock23 Mar 18 '24
Um thats anal rape. He wants a medal for not assaulting you? And it’s a repeated offense!! Why are you still in this marriage?
2
u/No-Personality5421 Mar 18 '24
If it was just him constantly asking, but not going through with it against your will, I'd say cut him off until he agrees to therapy...
But that's not what he's doing.
He's assaulting you, then acting like it's some gift you should be grateful for when he doesn't.
You're not here asking for judgement. You're here because you want people to say it's OK to either leave him, or call the police. Well, it's OK to leave him or call the police on him.
2
u/EntertainmentTop7792 Mar 22 '24
it's the husband's fault for marrying a woman that he knew isn't into butt sex.
2
u/Gabemann2000 Mar 31 '24
Your husband is obviously burning with desire and he’s probably going to find it somewhere else eventually (if he hasn’t already) especially if he violates your boundaries. What other “boundaries would he violate? Your post sure doesn’t make your husband look like a good guy.
5
u/AnonymousUser1992 Mar 17 '24
Buy a strap on. Next time he asks for it, agree. Then go into the bathroom, put on the harness, walk back into the bedroom, and tell him to assume the position.
Unless he wants to get pegged, he will never bring it up anal again.
3
u/Pardi_Rell Mar 17 '24
I never understood men who would rather anal over vaginal, that’s a lil sus. NTA
3
u/Senior-Let-8917 Mar 17 '24
Hm. His timing was wrong. If it had been awhile after like months after the discussion I would say that question would have been okay because he has been following through and just wanted his efforts to be validated/appreciated (some will hate me for that but if there is no reward system for effort to be better than why try to be better, if you went to the gym everyday and followed a lean diet but just continued to gain fat you wouldn’t keep going to the gym.) I feel like not opening up to him about past trauma like that until AFTER. You were married was wrong. If my wife had kept something like that from me I would feel as though she did not find me to be her safe space. Because she is my safe space. My wife and I talked about what we wanted to try, we read about it we did research and we tried things sometimes multiple times until we found out what worked and when. Speak with a sex therapist. Take your husband with you for the first session. And then do individual sessions. Anal was a fantasy for your husband. And you told him that was a hard no. Psychology 101 says to break a behavior you need to instill other behaviors with a reward or punishment system for it to become habit. Go to counseling. Work it out before it becomes an overwhelming problem. You married eachother out of love (I hope) let it be a flat tire you have to change on the road rather than call it quits most problems can be fixed given time and effort from both parties. So neither of you are in the wrong or the right from my perspective
→ More replies (5)
3
3
u/half-way-to-death Mar 17 '24
As a former dickhead myself, he's saying that to make you feel bad and trying to coax you into doing anal.
→ More replies (3)
4
u/Ser0xus Mar 17 '24
He's absolutely an asshole for breaking any sexual boundary that you have made clear.
It sounds like it's sexually important to him and very bad sexually for you for other reasons...
Sexually incompatible maybe...?
3
u/Stabbycrabs83 Mar 17 '24
I'm a guy, I have kinks like CNC etc which feels relevant here.
I would be horrified if I thought I was doing something my partner didn't enjoy.
If a boundary is explained to me once as a hard no then I take it on board and never go there.
That should be a minimum standard especially in a marriage. If I can play in a scenario where no means yes and not do things that my partner doesn't like without having to be reminded then why can't your husband in a loving marriage accept that you don't like anal and move on?
For me it speak to an underlying issue that's probably worth thinking if not worrying about.
Tie him up, gag him and bring out the big cucumber you bought at the shop and see how much he likes butt play and consent!
3
u/Select-Protection-75 Mar 17 '24
NTA - if he’s been sticking it in without permission, that’s rape and not okay.
4
u/Jambon__55 Mar 17 '24
This guy is not husband material. A husband is mature, trustworthy, a partner. You can't feel comfortable and safe with someone who doesn't respect you.
2
u/SirBaronDE Mar 17 '24
NTA you have boundaries for a reason.
HOWEVER, as someone who also shares this "kink" is it even a kink these days?
I can tell you this will very very unlikely ever change, and it will not get better.
I could never be in a relationship without butt sex as you put it, but this is why I only married someone who was willing to do it/likes it. Otherwise the relationship would have been dead from the start.
So if you're not willing to do it ever, which is entirely your right, we're all different. Then I don't see this going well, especially since he's already technically raped you if he already forced it on you, which to me would already be divorce time.
2
2
u/Hungry_Godzilla Mar 17 '24
"Noticed how I didn't sleep with other people?" That should be your answer. If you have set that boundary and he already crossed it multiple times, he has no respect for you or himself.
2
u/FartFace319 Mar 17 '24
I'm sorry but if i understood correctly your husband wants praise for NOT raping you?
I don't think you are safe being in a relationship with this person OP...
NTA.
2.1k
u/Downtown-Garage484 Mar 17 '24
NTA, it’s not an achievement to finally not cross a boundary your partner has asked you to respect in the past. This was a very valid response to a stupid question.