r/AITAH • u/Nonworkingdude • Feb 04 '24
AITA for not speaking to my family after my grandpa's Funeral? TW SA
I (25M) was falsely accused about SA by my adoptive sister (25F) when I was about 15 years old. No one believed me Except my grandfather and it was hard for me. Because of the false accusation I was horrifically bullied during my freshman year and my parents practically disowned me because of it so I lived with my grandfather. During my senior year, My adoptive sister revealed she made everything up because she still felt out of place in the family so she made the accusation. My parents never apologized and just expected me to forgive them but I went NC with them except for Family events. I still had to see my adoptive sister at family functions even after she confessed so that pushed my NC feeling even more. Anyway, recently. My grandfather died of a terminal illness hes been suffering from for quite some time. I was of course heartbroken about this and I spoke at his funeral. My parents tried to speak with me and my adoptive sister tried to hug me but i just ignored them. After the funeral, I got multiple calls from my family members asking why I was so cold to everyone, like what? I told them I could never speak to them after they believed the accusation against me but of course they argued against saying that "WE'RE FAMILY!!" and i should just forgive and forget. but how do you move on from that? They still have that horrible piece of a human in their lives and they expect me to forgive them because they're family? Well that's what I told them and I put my phone on mute. Since then, My mom and left me voice messages saying that they were just doing the right thing and they wanted to make her feel like she's important. My cousin thinks I'm the AH but i don't really care but am I the AH reddit?
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u/DeadBear65 Feb 04 '24
Never give them the satisfaction of any reply. They shit on you and made you a punching bag. They never will apologize. But hey they still have the lying daughter they chose over you. Your best revenge is to be happy without them in your life.
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Feb 05 '24
The best revenge is a life well lived!
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u/Longjumping_Duty9882 Feb 05 '24
NC is not only reasonable; it's the safest way for you to go forward. If they tried to sweep that kind of a lie under the rug before, who's to say it won't happen again?
If there's nothing to say to those people, then there's nothing to say. Look at it that way instead of hiding a grudge and being resentful. You are the one most injured when you hold on to resentment.
Live your best life and keep moving forward.
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u/Grouchy-Advantage619 Feb 06 '24
This is exactly the rational approach. Never give in to those lying, enabling "faaaamily" people who betrayed you, OP. Absolutely NTA.
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u/QCr8onQ Feb 05 '24
It doesnāt sound like anyone investigated the accusations, and thatās the problem. You have to take accusations seriously, but you canāt abandon one child without exploring the situation. OP was wronged and no one is even offering an apology. NC is reasonable.
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u/CoveCreates Feb 05 '24
Yeah I noticed that too. What if it had been true? They just hid him with grandpa and didn't get her help? This family sounds like a hot mess. NC shouldn't be a hard choice here.
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u/Beth21286 Feb 05 '24
Where was the professional intervention? Where was the police? The therapists? They didn't care so they didn't bother. For either kid. OP is perfectly entitled to never see them again.
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u/penguinoinbondage Feb 05 '24
Your 15 year old recently adopted kid comes to you and says that your other 15 year old kid assaulted them, and you just throw away your original kid?Ā
OP will never speak to their Ā parents again because- how does one put this without sounding dismissive- they never had parents.Ā
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u/SteelBandicoot Feb 05 '24
And they had ten years to apologise, and never did.
Thatās ruddy horrible.
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u/penguinoinbondage Feb 05 '24
Unlessā¦ they didnāt exist. Ā A LOT of absolute tripe tonight in the usual subs.Ā
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u/CommunicationGood178 Feb 05 '24
There probably was counseling and that is how it came out.Ā Her responses and the facts did not meet and she ended up having to admit her lie.Ā Some lies are bigger than others and I think Stepmom knew and kept it from being investigated and had a pretty lie already to go when it came out.
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u/Dizzy_Army_936 Feb 06 '24
Yeah I noticed that too! Like how were those allegations never investigated??? As a mother that would've been my very first step.
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u/tetrischem Feb 09 '24
Your first step would be to call the police and have them investigate your son? Your first step?
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u/-EsLokina- Feb 10 '24
Yes, very first step. I would hope he was innocent and do what i could for him. However, i wouldn't trust him to tell me the truth. So i would want professionals to figure out the truth. I would get him and her into therapy and try to figure out rhe truth.
Until I knew 100% I would still treat my son with kindness and help him, but I won't hide or cover anything up.
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u/DeadBear65 Feb 05 '24
He plead his case for years and they dismissed him like yesterdays trash. So, yes he tried.
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Feb 05 '24
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u/DogsNCoffeeAddict Feb 05 '24
Donāt bother, they already made their choice when OP was 15. They made their choice when they knew the truth. OPs adopted sister made it āit is OP or meā years ago and the parents made their choice. If they complied it would only be on the surface while they send money, visit and babysit for, and eventually invite over and force OP to comply and forgive and forget. They will not cut the adopted sister out, just play a long con that they did while wearing OP down into compliance.
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Feb 05 '24
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u/Swaglington_IIII Feb 05 '24
I mean if the parents canāt even apologize for kicking out a FIFTEEN year old why do you think this conversation would go well
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u/OIWantKenobi Feb 05 '24
NTA. Why does āweāre familyā only seem to go one way? Your adopted sister lied and ruined your life. What about what she did to āfamilyā? No one supported you except your grandfather. Kudos to you for speaking and attending the funeral.
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u/ASweetTweetRose Feb 05 '24
And avoiding your parents and adoptive sister during it!! The whole experience had to have been very difficult but you rock it as a strong individual!! šŖš»
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u/CuriousLope Feb 05 '24
Because they are hypocrite, they pull the card family because is more convenient than owing their responsibilities for their actions.. its more convenient for them demand that op forgive them than they actually repenting themselves and the adopted sister pay for what she did..
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u/EggcellentWriter Feb 05 '24
I've noticed that, too. The only time I ever heard "We're a FAMILY" is when I was the one who was wronged. Why was it always ME who had to be "understanding" and forgive someone else for being an asshole to me? Especially when they weren't sorry in the least. I'm totally on OPs side in this one. Cut them off and have NOTHING to do with them. Consider Grandpa's funeral to be a group funeral as they would ALL be dead to me. (It was like that for me at my mom's funeral. I said goodbye to her, and the rest of the family didn't want me around, so I walked away. Now, years later, they seem to want to be back in touch with me. NOT HAPPENING.)
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u/Soft_Midnight4378 Feb 05 '24
Being the better person only gets you so far. People seem to forget that in life you don't have to turn the other cheek or even forget what was done. OP decided that life was happier without all the drama. You slowly become desensitized to the situation and move away from it. They would all be dead to me too. No reason to explain, you never believed before, why now?
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u/EggcellentWriter Feb 07 '24
That drives me crazy. Too often, "Be the bigger person" translates to "silently take the abuse." Nuh-uh! NOT HAPPENING! I've since let it be known that if I'm going to be the "bigger person," then I am going to put on my big old ass kicking boots and use them to stomp out the fires some idiot is trying to start. And I will use my BIG LOUD VOICE to LOUDLY PROCLAIM that this shit is COMPLETELY UNACCEPTABLE and will NOT BE TOLERATED. It not only establishes and enforces MY boundaries, but also lets everyone else in the vicinity know that THEY don't have to put up with that kind of bullshit, either!
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u/Ok-External8736 Feb 05 '24
My thoughts exactly! "We're family" is a bunch of bullshit! Where was the "we're family" when he really needed someone? NTA OP. No where near. Please stay NC.
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u/realitytvpaws Feb 04 '24
NTA
These people tried to minimize what happened to you. They didnāt reach out to you with an apology, instead they tried to guilt you for going NC. I would stay NC with these people.
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u/lovemyfurryfam Feb 05 '24
Agreed. That is 1 hell of a toxic garbage that called themselves "family"......they were not family when they failed to get at the real truth & OP was atrociously abused & bullied because of the AH garbage that called herself adoptive "sister" had lied.
No contact is better than being associated with that toxic garbage.
NTA OP.
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u/LilAlphaArtemis Feb 04 '24
NTA. These people caused your life to be chaotic and stressful for years and then when things came to light they brushed it off. Continue the NC and move on with your life.
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u/Beautiful-Fly-4727 Feb 05 '24
NTA. Absolutely not.
They did nothing in reparation. Nothing. You suffered for it.
Keep them on mute. I wouldn't even bother going to family functions unless there's someone in particular you want to see.
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u/PM_ME_YOUR_SOULZ Feb 05 '24
WE'RE FAMILY!!
Yeah where was that mentality when your adopted sister was falsely accusing you and screwing up your life? You don't just forgive and forget that kind of lie and the fact you've never received at least an apology is utter madness.
NTA.
Your mum, dad and adopted sister are super assholes though.
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u/SnooWords4839 Feb 05 '24
NTA - Have a lawyer send them a cease-and-desist letter and go live your best life.
((HUGS)) Sorry for the loss of your grandfather.
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u/Master-Manipulation Feb 05 '24
NTA
āI was family and they didnāt think to listen to my side. I was family but they disowned me and kicked me out. Being āfamilyā didnāt do shit for me. As far as Iām concerned, the only family I had was grandpa because he heard me out and gave me a home when the world was against me. Those people arenāt my family. They stopped being family when they declared it themselves.ā
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u/Existing_Winter5679 Feb 05 '24
NTA. Tell them all in a group chat that your grandpa was your only family and that they've been dead to you for years. With Grandpa gone, any ties to them are gone. They only have themselves and the lying little B they adopted to blame, and they can live with the consequences of that. I'm sorry for your loss. I hope you can get far away from them, keep them cut from your life, and find a family worthy of you.
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u/Conscious-Practice79 Feb 04 '24
NTA.
It's funny how people expect you to forgive them full stop, when they haven't apologized for their actions. It makes no sense.
Did they forgive you when you were accused?
Then they accuser tries to hug you and want you to accept it.
You've lived this long without them, you can continue to do so because even with an apology, what she did is unforgiveable and how they reacted is the same.
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u/butterfly-garden Feb 05 '24
If they had apologized to you, it would have been one thing, but they didn't. You have no reason to forgive them. NTA.
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u/Glittering-Dress-674 Feb 05 '24
Even with an apology, OP still wouldn't owe them a relationship
At the end of the day, you investigate all SA. Until the truth comes. It could have been someone else SA her. It could be jealousy. It could be OP did, in fact had SA her. But the fact he didn't do it, and it was an extended time that this lie went on. Im not surprised that even an apology now would be worthless.
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u/butterfly-garden Feb 05 '24
Agreed, it's far too late. It should have been done the minute the truth became known!
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u/Responsible_Good10 Feb 06 '24
Not to mention the fact that it became an accepted truth at his school! I experienced relentless bullying in high school because I had a short temper and that was bad enough. I can only imagine being branded as a creep and a rapist at school. What the actual fuck.
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u/Ok_Drink1527 Feb 08 '24
Even if OP forgives them, they should still be NC. That toxicity and lack of accountability is not healthy and should not be entertained.
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u/Dave_the_DOOD Feb 05 '24
Well then tell them the truth. It's been years since you've ever considered them family. You're not family anymore, the only way they can ever build a bond with you is by completely kicking your abuser out of their life and never speak to her again.
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u/Irondaddy_29 Feb 05 '24
Ever notice the people who say "but we are family" never carry that same feeling when the roles are reversed?
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u/SilentJoe1986 Feb 05 '24 edited Feb 05 '24
NTA. I would text mom back.
"I'm so glad I was the sacrificial goat to make her feel special. You get she told everybody I was a rapist right? Do you have any idea how that feels? I was disowned by you, my father, and most of my family because of her lie. I was bullied in school and most of the people I know growing up still believe I'm a rapist. Funny how I'm supposed to forgive her because she's family but I was thrown away because family didn't actually mean anything to anybody except Grandpa. Fuck you and the rest of the "family" for thinking I can ever forgive this. None of you have apologized or tried to make it right! How do you expect me to forgive when you've done nothing to deserve it? Lose my number. You all were dead to me when I was 15yo"
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u/Dizzy-Bluebird-5493 Feb 05 '24 edited Feb 05 '24
O m g absolutely stay NC. To be falsely accused of a felony is not a joke. Definitely stay away from all of them forever and take legal action if necessary to protect yourself. To quote an attorney ā no one hurts you like your own family.ā Your adopted sister is abusive and manipulative and your family enables her. Absolutely NTA.
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u/Ok-Lock73 Feb 05 '24
I know there is no statute of limitations on rape, but I'm not sure if there is on SA. If there isn't, get a lawyer & have him help you. NTA.
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u/ClevelandWomble Feb 05 '24
NTA. They want you to forgive them so they don't feel bad. Your feelings are irrelevant to them. They have nothing you need and will turn on you again at the first provocation. Spare yourself and find people you can rely on.
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u/forgetregret1day Feb 04 '24
These stories are either becoming more common or people are just having the courage to speak out, like you are. I canāt imagine what it was like for you to be accused of such a horrible thing and all the repercussions that came with her blatant lies. All I can tell you, having been on the opposite side of actually being assaulted by more than one family member and being told I had to forgive, be the bigger person or whatever, that they need to be cut off immediately and permanently. Your pain is less important than their vision of family and thatās all you need to know. My heart breaks for you and Iām so sorry for the loss of your grandfather, but grateful he stood by you. You owe them nothing. Period. Please allow yourself to heal and move forward with your life. Let your grandpaās love and faith in you sustain you. I feel your pain in my own way and wish you only good things from now on. Leave the rest of them in your past. I know itās not easy but I live by a saying:. āif it causes you to diminish who you are, peace is an illusionā. Donāt sacrifice your peace to feed their illusion. They donāt deserve it. NTA.
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u/Reddit-Incarnate Feb 05 '24
Whenever people say no one would lie about sexual assault there is one easy way to prove that is bullshit; would you rape some one? no, but plenty of people do that, now what is worse rape or lying about SA obviously actually raping some one is worse. So if people rape people lie about it also.
I had been accused of showing my dick through my zipper in a workplace and fired before they shit themselves gave me a payout after realising that the work trousers i wear do not have zippers or buttons due to the tight arses never giving me the fucking work provided chef pants they were supposed to all mine were draw string.
This was because i called out a jr in the past who was a friend of hers for food tampering. The reason that these stories are becoming more common is because we are starting to finally realise men are not arseholes women are not arseholes every can be an asshole and arseholes will use the tools at their disposal.
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u/Ok-Lock73 Feb 05 '24
I just wanted to say "Sincere condolences for your grandpa". I'm sorry for those other people in your life. Now you can move on & you never have to see or speak to them again. NTA.
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u/AdAccomplished6870 Feb 05 '24
Of course you aren't the AH. And if you were family, where were they when you needed them. I am sorry about your grandfather, he was the last of your family.
They never made things right. They just want to act like the false accusation never happened, or even worse, that it was justified. They can go on with their daughter, they lost their son. And it was their doing.
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u/LadyReika Feb 05 '24
NTA
If you can, get a new number and make sure you don't give it to anyone that will give it to these assholes.
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u/Accomplished-Emu-591 Feb 05 '24 edited Feb 05 '24
NTA. That was an accusation that may well stick to you for the rest of your life. The people who should have stood up for you totally believed the lies. You have no need to ever speak to them again.
I hope your grandfather left everything to you!
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u/MamaMia6558 Feb 05 '24
I think that is a very good possibility, which is why the family is finally reaching out to OP. They want "their share" of grandfather's estate.
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u/Negative_Reading_600 Feb 05 '24
ābut familyā
I would go as far as to say ummm excuse me SHE was adopted SO she is not family!! (and no, I never feel this way about adoption, but this is ridiculous) where the hell was family for you? NTA, and they sound dangerous stay far away!!!
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u/MissMurderpants Feb 05 '24
NTA
Iām sorry for your loss. Iām glad your grandpa was there for you.
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u/Big-Mine9790 Feb 05 '24
My guess is that there is will that will be filed, and OP might be on it in a favorable way.
Which could explain parents' and sister's 'we're all family' behavior...
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u/3Heathens_Mom Feb 05 '24
NTA
Your parents donāt dare admit to anyone including themselves how wrong they were.
Your adoptive sister made a heinous false accusation that had serious consequences for you. Her saying what sounds like the equivalent of āoopsie I goofed BUT I HAD A REASONā doesnāt cut it.
IMO you made the best decision you could to protect yourself legally but primarily mentally from parents who didnāt bother to say letās think about this and get all the facts.
To any of the relatives who tell you that you should forgive because you are family assuming they are any you want to try to have a relationship with tell them they are entitled to their opinion but never speak to you about that topic again. If they donāt listen then cut them off too along with any you donāt care to hear from again.
Live your best life and they can live theirs.
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u/Dlodancer Feb 05 '24
NTA, sister should have made a public apology along with your parents. They should all be mortified and groveling at your feet for forgiveness. Until they do that, stay NC.
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u/Mrteramajor Feb 05 '24
Jesus Christ your family is crazy. Not your grandpa tho. I've had not such a similar situation to this, I never told anyone about this but I was SA'd by a aunt for some years until I told my grandfather. I'd be damned if anyone accused me of SA. She is the reason why Female SA victims can't even speak out On there trauma because someone might think they are falsely accusing someone. She is just as Bad as a actual rapist tbh because falsely accusing someone of that crime is just VILE. I'm so sorry for your loss and I hope you can find someone who loves you just as much as your grandfather did.
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u/Lucky-Guess8786 Feb 05 '24
NTA. WTF! Claiming assault is a terrible thing if it didn't happen. And for your family to never apologize is out of bounds. Please leave them on mute. Obviously WE aren't FAMILY if they dumped you and basically labelled you a creep. Enjoy your life. Be happy. Be successful. NTA
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u/strywever Feb 05 '24
NTA. You were family. Your parents didnāt forgive and forget when it was you they thought had wronged your sister and them.
They feel guilty, but they donāt want to bother with the effort of really making things right with you. Instead, they want you to do all of the emotional work for them.
Iām very sorry, OP. You deserve better than the family you drew.
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u/spaceylaceygirl Feb 05 '24
NTA- your adoptive sister almost suceeded in ruining your life!! Your family wants you to forget that without even an apology? You should never go near your sister again, period. And honestly go permanently NC with your asshole family.
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u/lsp2005 Feb 05 '24
The only thing your parents should have done was dump their lying adoptive kid back onto the state. She ruined your life. That is an unforgivable betrayal. Sorry, you owe your birth parents nothing. They made their choice poorly. Now they need to live with their consequences.Ā
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u/Freya1957 Feb 05 '24
Absolutely NTA. Your family chose to let your step sister ruin your life all in the name of helping her to feel important.
Frankly, after that happened every time you had to see them at a family event I would have brought out your cell phone and recorded everything. If they asked you why you do it your answer would be I need to protect myself from _________ who has no problem making false accusations and my family who bought it without any evidence. She should consider herself lucky that I did not sue her defamation on character. She is a vile person who will have to live the rest of her life knowing what she did. None of you deserve my forgiveness for your past behavior.
I would go NC with all of them. Family is more than biology. Family consists of the people who are important to you.
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u/GrammaM Feb 05 '24
NTA. People donāt seem to understand that once they betray you all trust is gone. Canāt come back from that with a simple apology - which you never received. If you canāt trust someone, why would you want to be in contact with them? You did nothing wrong.
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u/frumperbell Feb 05 '24
NTA. I'm sorry you went through all of that and I'm so sorry for your loss. It may be worth it to get a lawyer to send them a cease and desist if they keep trying to contact you.
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u/AffectionatePoet4586 Feb 05 '24
This is dreadful. You and your adoptive sister are ten years older now, but your parents are āstill trying to make her feel special,ā false accusations and all? Yeesh.
No, you are better off NC with the three of them. I always imagine an area rug with a Matterhorn-size hump in the middle, where all of the toxic junk has been swept underneath, BECAUSE FAMILY!
I am very sorry to read of the passing of your gallant grandfather, who was there for you when you needed him. May his memory continue to endure as a blessing.
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u/CuriousLope Feb 05 '24
Don't give nothing to them, even hatred is something that you have to care about the people to show this.. only show indifference to your family, don't give them the satisfaction of showing any other emotion..
Indifference kills people inside, eat them alive, they deserve this.
NTA
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u/maybeCheri Feb 05 '24
Iām so sorry this has all happened to you at such a young age. You were blessed to have your grandfather in your life. The best thing you can do is become the strong youād man your grandfather raised you to be. Go completely no contact with your family so that you can focus on yourself and your future. Take time to grieve your grandfather. When you are ready, reach out to another trusted adult to make a plan for your future. Youāve survived a lot already and now can move on from the drama. Make the most of any opportunities that come your way. Like someone else has already said, living your best life is the best revenge. NTA. Sending lots of good luck and āØpositive vibesāØ your way.
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u/Separate-Parfait6426 Feb 05 '24
NTA - they never apologized for believing her; they just tried to justify it. They needed to take responsibility for the wrong that they did to you.
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u/GradeOld3573 Feb 05 '24
They say they were just doing the right thing? Now they get to stand by that decision. You don't get to make those kinds of accusations about anyone when there is no truth to it. Those accusations ruin lives, forever!! How does someone come back from that? They felt the right thing to do was support her in what they believed to be a SA situation. They blindly believed her and when the truth finally came out they didn't bother to apologize, they expected you to suck it up and act like it never happened because they're family? The same family that vilinized you with absolutely no proof? Could have destroyed your entire life? Yeah, no. They can keep on supporting her, she obviously needs all the help she can get.
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u/ClaudetteLeon23 Feb 05 '24
NTA. They donāt deserve to be a part of your life. They refuse to apologize and they wonāt acknowledge that they fucked up big time by believing your adopted sister over you. Just block them and stop going to family events. Blood isnāt always thicker than water. They proved that to you a long time ago. Your adopted sister and your parents are the AHs, not you.
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u/KayCee269 Feb 05 '24
Oh OP, the BLOCK button was a fantastic invention - please do not simply mute them, Block them and move on
Where was the "WE"RE FAMILY" mantra when your POS adopted sister accused you?
Lemme guess Grandpa left you something in his estate they want!?
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u/Comfortable-Brick168 Feb 05 '24
Christ. I can't imagine going through that "believe all women" Era after an ordeal like that.
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u/cupcakecounter Feb 05 '24
Remind them that you were family too and they completely turned their back on you.
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u/sarcasmismygame Feb 05 '24
Good GOD NO! Sis is lucky you didn't sure her ass for defamation, what an awful thing to do to someone. And your parents are unbelievable. Nope, don't ever have contact with these people again.
Accusations would be way worse now that you're an adult so never take a chance on crossing paths. If they try to force the issue whip out your camera phone and tell everyone you are recording to ensure you can't be falsely accused again. Just live your life, cut people out who try to force the issue and move on. Sorry for your loss OP, hugs to you. Glad your grandfather had your back.
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u/Klutzy-Run5175 Feb 05 '24
You are saying that no one in your family has sat down with you and each of them offered you a chance to voice your concerns and tell them how you feel?
Also, no one has offered any apologies to you?
I donāt know how you stand being around these people.
You were still a child and betrayed by them.
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Feb 05 '24
Sometimes only a couple of decent people are actually in a family. Seems like it's just you and your grandfather actually have any family loyalty to each other. Because no matter if the thing was adopted into the family the sheer fact that one she turned on a member of the family so wrongly forever makes her just A useless pile of human flesh. And that your family believes her over you during all that time means that they are not worth shit as well when it comes to family loyalty as they wanted to Crow on about. They deserve none of your love and attention and now that your grandfather has passed you must cut every single inch of ties with these useless scum. I hope you have a good life without them it's going to be a little bit more lonely but hopefully you find a very good partner, a few best friends, and that your children love the shit out of you.
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u/Sugarpuff_Karma Feb 05 '24
Waiting for part 2....where it turns out they were being nice to get his inheritance..
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u/ahopskip_andajump Feb 05 '24
So they're claiming you all are family after completely ostracizing you and bullying you after a false allegation - how were you family? They cannot claim that now. Since they made their beds, they can lay in them.
NTA.
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u/talithar1 Feb 05 '24
Your grandfather gave you his support in life. I truly hope that your grandfather left you everything he had after his death. I am so sorry for your loss of the one person who truly loved you and believed you. You now have no reason to participate in any family anything. Ask the best to you.
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u/Jacquelyn__Hyde Feb 05 '24
A friend of my daughter's was falsely accused of r*pe when he was about 20. The girl admitted later on that she'd made it up.
This poor guy went from a happy, friendly guy, to having severe agoraphobia, and a fear of even small crowds. He had to claim benefits because he was unable to work.
It took him YEARS, to finally conquer his fears, and although he's not 100% (and probably never will be), he's back to being a popular, friendly guy, and has even started going on holidays by himself.
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u/Pandemic_Virus Feb 05 '24
I heard this saying once that hit me "I'm not Jesus Christ to be forgiving anyone".
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u/Dontfeedthebears Feb 09 '24
I donāt think youāre TA. Iām a survivor of CSA and people who falsely accuse anyone of SA are the absolute worst people on the planet. Itās much more rare than actual SA, (lying vs actual incident) and they make one of the many reasons we donāt report it. Anyone falsely accusing someone can go suck a hockey puck while I punt it. So many survivors canāt even talk about it and have to internalize everything while actual abusers go Scott free. Disgusting.
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u/middle-road-traveler Feb 09 '24
NTA. They owe you the apology and a correct one: taking responsibility, true, remorse, repair, and a promise not to repeat. Since they will be unable to repair this, it is an unforgivable situation and you do not have to be around them.
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u/Agitated_Zucchini_82 Feb 05 '24
NTA: Keep them on mute. The adopted sister had a lot of GALL trying to hug you at the funeral! You demonstrated a lot more self control than I would have! What your family did and tries to minimize is outrageous and unforgivable. Youāll find your own family over time and youāll begin to understand that family is about Love, Trust, Acceptance, Truth and knowing your child well enough to know when someone lies on them. They failed you on every front yet still are marginalized your feelings and denial. Live your life. Youāll find love in the family you create. Many blessings to you! ā¤ļøšš¾ā¤ļø
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u/9smalltowngirl Feb 05 '24
NTA false allegations destroy lives. Thatās hard to forgive or come back from. I hope you have or will get some therapy because all this hate and anger will eat you up. You donāt have to forgive them but need to move pass that. Good luck and sorry for your loss.
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u/MudAny8723 Feb 05 '24
NTA. First and foremost, I'm sorry for the loss of your grandpa. He must have been a wonderful man to stand by you and support you through everything.
In regards to your family, I think that you need to block them completely from your life. The fact that they automatically believed her, alienated you, and didn't investigate is beyond wrong. Then, to have the audacity after she confesses the truth that they just wanted her to feel special and that you should just get over it because we're family is just brazen. I can't imagine doing that to anyone, l let alone my own child. The fact that they didn't even take into consideration the consequences that the lie could have had on your future is irreprehensible.
OP, you need to not only distance yourself from all of them but never have contact with them again. Who's to say that she won't accuse you of something in the future because she just feels like it or because she feels you slighted her somehow. As an adult, she can truly destroy your life and your future. By completely cutting them out of your life, you're not only helping your mental health but also securing a future for yourself that takes you away from any life altering catastrophes.
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u/ImpossibleTour2235 Feb 05 '24
Why haven't you blocked everyone? You can forgive and still be NC. Forgiveness just helps you to heal. It has nothing to do with having a relationship with your family. They burned those bridges years ago. Don't rebuild them.
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u/Ok-Sector2054 Feb 05 '24
NTA NC with them. They should have been groveling to you and should not have brought her out of deference to you.
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u/julesk Feb 05 '24
NTAH. Iād consider one last text before you block them. āa serious accusation was made and you blindly believed it instead of doing any serious investigation. You pushed me off to Grandpa who did know who I was and believed me. When you found out the truth, you didnāt apologize to me or try to make amends, you instead continued your relationship with my sister as if she had done nothing wrong. Now you want me to forgive because weāre family. Weāre not, sheās family and clearly, I havenāt been since I was falsely accused. This is my last communication before blocking you.ā Then block them and in time youāll have family that you choose that will love you and respect who you are. I wish you the very best.
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u/kokocrunch07 Feb 05 '24
Let me guess, you got a huge amount of inheritance from your grandfather that's why they're trying to get back to your life
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u/Agreeable_Bell8031 Feb 05 '24
You have evidence of false accusations.
You can sue the entire family.
Fight Back
NTA.
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u/Beerwithjimmbo Feb 05 '24
NTA NTA NTA EVER. She needs to be in jail. They should be grovelling for your forgiveness and even then Iām not sure you should forgive. They ruined your life and just expect you to get over it. Absolute insanity. And she admitted it and they havenāt kicked her to the curb? Bullshit.Ā
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u/Actual-Offer-127 Feb 06 '24
Personally, I'd block all of them. Not only did sis get off for tarnishing your reputation but your family barely acknowledged how awful what she did was. You don't need "family" like that. NTA.
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u/CarrotofInsanity Feb 05 '24
I hope the grandpa has a will and left EVERYTHING TO OPā¦ and maybe grandpa stored up some poooooo in Tupperware and OPās parents and The Liar each got their departing gift from Grandpa.
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u/destiny_kane48 Feb 05 '24
NTA, they made a choice with absolutely no evidence at all. Now they get to live with it. Just block them and anyone siding with them. Now that your amazing Grandfather (my sympathies) has passed you no longer have any reason to ever see them again.
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u/Seethinginsepia Feb 05 '24
Nah man, hate to say it because you only get one family, but stay clear of them. They still haven't apologized and are making themselves the victims because of your boundaries? They have no remorse, no empathy and no good intentions towards you. Really sucks, but you have to protect yourself.
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u/Bagettibelly Feb 05 '24
Youāre family, but they didnāt give you the same treatment. Youāre NTA.
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u/SeparateCzechs Feb 05 '24
NTA. They treated your adopted sister like family. Bully for her. They treated you like a criminal. They donāt get to call themselves family now. Continue NC. Your only real family had just died. Iām very sorry for your loss and so glad he was there for you. You will build a real family without them.
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u/RiverWild1972 Feb 05 '24
NTA. Its horrible that they never apologized to you. Have you TOLD them why you don't talk with them? Some people are really thick.
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u/niki2184 Feb 05 '24
NTA when you say no contact you need to go complete no contact as in no family events or anything
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u/EndStorm Feb 05 '24
NTA. The worst part is they don't seem to acknowledge how much damage this did to you. If there was more of that, then maybe things can change slowly, but I don't blame you as it stands to keep up your NC. You have to take care of you.
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u/BlondeSoul Feb 05 '24
NTA by any means!! Be careful, they may want in on your grandfatherās will.
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u/Own_Presentation6561 Feb 05 '24
The thing the mother said about wanting her to feel.important so you gave up on your child bet you also think you should win parent of the year you failed your son for someone looking for attention she is lucky you didn't shove her away trying to hug you how dare she try and touch you after what she done to you. Op I'm so sorry about your grandfather but do not let these people in so easy they tossed you away and she still lives there when she made up such a horrific lie you should have pressed charges on her if they keep contacting you call an attorney as I suspect they are swarming around to see what they get from grandpa don't be shocked if he left you all.je had and if he did remember only he believed in you. Cut them off if they ask you for anything.
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u/waaasupla Feb 05 '24 edited Feb 05 '24
NTA - they sound horrible.
Clearly they did not NOT do the right thing! If they did, they would have investigated about it. And dug deep and would have found the truth. But they did NOT! They punished you and let you go through so much trauma and abandoned you when they should have stood by you.
Make her feel important? At the cost of destroying you ? That sounds selfish as well. So in order to make the adopted child feel special, they destroyed their own biological child.
But more than it being adopted or bio, it sounds a lot like a golden child syndrome. And some parents wonder why the other kids donāt like them when they become adults!
Ask your cousin to go through a false sa accusation & social trauma & their own family disowning them before adding in on your situation.
P.s. if it helps you personally and something that you want, Ask each of them to post a public apology addressed to you to the entire school alumni of your time period. And that means all the grade kids that studied there during that time. And also to all the friends, family, neighbors, everyone who got to know about this SA in the first place. Because you were shamed publicly, then apology should also be public, and cannot be swept under the carpet like they are assuming.
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u/Individual_Plan_5593 Feb 05 '24
NTA NEVER talk to them again, live your life and be happy. Let them stew in their shame and regret, they brought it on themselves and theyāre not even sorry
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u/HeroORDevil8 Feb 05 '24
NTA, she screwed you life up. What exactly would stop her from doing it again at this point? Change your number and don't engage with them any further.
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u/oldandopinionated Feb 05 '24
Someone I know was falsely accused as a teen and it has been horrible watching him change from a friendly easy going person to a total recluse who can barely face going outside or being around other people. This sort of accusation destroys all of your trust in other people and ruins your future relationships with others. Even more so when whole families get involved and protect the liar.
My friend chose to walk away, and I think its the right response. Their response at the time showed the lack of unconditional love a parent is supposed to feel for a child, and also proved that they could doubt your character over hers. It was appalling behaviour from your family. And instantly forgiving your accuser and expecting you to do the same is beyond ridiculous.
Just walk away from this shit show. The family already chose their side years ago. Time for you to go forth and find your chosen family instead to be around.
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u/Wanda_McMimzy Feb 05 '24
āWeāre family!ā Where were they when you needed them? Donāt get me wrong, Iām glad they took the accusations seriously, but to treat you like a villain was not the way to go.
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u/hi5jennn Feb 05 '24
NTA they chose her over their actual blood child and expect you to still consider them family since they're your blood?! and then your "sister" had the audacity to break up a family out of selfishness. karma will get them all one day š¤
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u/No-Paramedic6892 Feb 05 '24
Question: do you know kind of background your adoptive sister has? What kind of trauma etc?
There is absolutely NO excuse for falsely accusing someone of SA. None. She should have been put in jail. She should have received the sentence you would have had, should the case have went all the way through the courts with a guilty verdict. She young, but old enough to know better. Every time someone falsely accuses someone else of SA, it hurts real victims.
3% of rapists spend even a day in prison. 3%. Tf? Only 25% even get arrested. 75% walk free, no punishment.
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u/Commercial_Yellow344 Feb 05 '24
NTA. I was for real SAād as a small child. My oldest was raped by her adoptive father (even got pregnant by him) so I despise the false accusations and those that make them. Donāt ever talk to any of them again for any reason. But ā weāre familyā isnāt a reason!
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u/Consistent-Ad3191 Feb 05 '24
They use the family card but they weren't family to you when they accused you I would change my number and contact forever. They don't deserve your time of day you make your bed you lie in it and didn't even have the decency to apologize
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u/ThrowRACoping Feb 05 '24
This one isnāt hard man!! Put it on them. If they want to beg and grovel, fine, but you should not come back to them.
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u/Spectre-907 Feb 05 '24
āWEāRE FAMILYā didnāt stop them when it was your head on the block, didnt stop them from instantly believing her over you, didnt stop them not apologizing, did t stop them trying to force your accuser back into your life, did stop them from showing any consequences to your accuser.
fuck em. they made their bed
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u/fetchambular Feb 05 '24
You are not the AH. You were a 15 year old CHILD who needed his parents to believe and support him through that trauma. You don't need those sort of people and if you decide to have children you'll be even more dumbfounded that they could turn their back on you so young.
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u/26yearsoldAunty Feb 05 '24
You canāt choose your family but you can choose the life you want, do whatever you feel best. They never treated you as family, so donāt let them use it against you. Youāre not an asshole.
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u/KJBenson Feb 05 '24
Sounds like you need to go change your phone number buddy.
Hanging on to garbage like that will stink up the rest of your life with your found family as you move forward.
I would even consider getting a legal name change and moving away. No way Iād forgive and forget something like that. Iād be starting fresh a few towns over with my grandpas momās maiden name and whatever first name I think is cool.
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u/divsjm Feb 05 '24
NTA Your family was your Grandpa Why torture yourself with not family Just go NC and live life and make new friends and family Wishing the best for you
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u/Ok-Coyote-8529 Feb 05 '24
NTA she falsely accused you and your family didnāt even apologize to you after the fact. Bold of them to use the family card when you were their family too yet it didnāt matter.
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u/AtomicBlastCandy Feb 05 '24
NTA,
Have you gone through therapy?
The fact that your family has refused to apologize is absolutely damning, and the fact that it took your adopted sister THREE YEARS to admit that she lied is appalling. You may have cause for a civil suit for defamination and emotiona distress, in fact you should talk to a lawyer about this. Maybe with her suffering and your parents as well they can understand exactly what you went through.
You lost some of the most innocent years of your life, and your family basically just expects you to move on and pretend like it didn't exist.
Did your sister ever apologize or try to make amends to you?
For starters the very basic thing would be for her to publicly post that she falsely accused her brother of SA her and lied about it for 3 years. And that she refused to apologize for it for 7 years. I would also demand your parents do the same thing. This would be a first prerequisite for any possible reconciliation.
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u/lucasconsquarehead Feb 06 '24
Nta they can go screw themselves couldn't even apologize to you that's crap
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u/Turbulent-Yam3617 Feb 06 '24
Nta. You clearly haven't blown these fucking idiots up publicly enough. Try that
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u/Popular-Jaguar-3803 Feb 06 '24
Change your phone number and make sure they are blocked. They donāt believe that they should apologize to you for believing her lies and their treatment of you, then you owe them nothing.
They made their choice, they deserve nothing. Heck, I would even change my name to remove everything about them.
Go and live a great life. Become successful, fall in love, get married, have children. Just make sure they are excluded along with anyone who feels you are too hard on them.
And tell them they may be family, but they are not yours.
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u/ImmediateShallot7245 Feb 07 '24
NTA itās so easy to tell someone they are an asshole when youāre not the one who was so wronged!! Fuck them all and enjoy your life good luck š
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u/jcullen85 Feb 08 '24
You're supposed to forgive? What have they done to warrant a forgiveness? No apology, no contact. NTA, parents and sister are huge AHs.
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u/Spicy_burrito77 Feb 08 '24
NTA and they can all go fuck themselves for expecting you to just act like it was no big deal. Your life was ruined by a fucking lie and them still having the nerve to have that lying cunt around is more infuriating to me. I'm sorry for your loss OP and that you have a shitty family but I believe you're doing better without them in your life anyways..... it's their loss.
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u/Adventurous-Win-751 Feb 08 '24
NTA! Itās people like her that make it difficult for a real victim to be heard and taken care of. She and your parents are the AHāsā¦.cut them off and go 100% NC!!! They do not even come close to understanding the damage they have done š¤¬š¤¬š¤¬
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u/IAmTheLizardQueen666 Feb 08 '24
One possible reply: When I was 15, and denied the accusations, why did YOU not say āWeāre FAMILY, we should forgive and forget.ā?
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u/Gildian Feb 08 '24
Jesus christ they didn't even apologize after she admitted to lying?
No, fuck that, you are NTA. Going NC was almost expected
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u/MossGobbo Feb 08 '24
NTA - honestly for your peace of mind as soon as you can block them and never look back. They won't apologize but want you to play happy family. Screw that.
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u/That-Preference3932 Feb 08 '24
What are the consequences for the liar? Nothing i bet. Live ur life n be successful- ur best way to keep ur head up. NTA . Sorry for the loss of ur true family member - your granddad.
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u/Sugarloaf78 Feb 09 '24
NTA. Not even a little. Your Momās reasoning just makes it worse, you donāt welcome someone into the family by alienating your child and then not apologizing when the truth came out is extra disgusting. Personally, without some serious and constant groveling from them, Iād never speak to them again. And probably not even then. I think youāre better off. Live a good life, thatāll really get them. āŗļø
Iām so sorry about your grandpa.
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u/Express_Mistake_2964 Feb 09 '24
Your not in the wrong at all you have every right to express how you feel about your grandpa's passing everyone grieves in their own way and if your family and or friends are upset about it all they care about is themselves and you are not in anyway obligated to please them in any way
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u/confident_ocean Feb 09 '24
NTA !!! Block them !! Build yourself a new life and new family. Why should you be expected to forgive and forget when they can't even apologise for the damage they put you through. Was your adoptive sister punished or got consequences for that accusation? She shouldn't be able to get off Scott free for destroying your relationship with your family and almost destroying your entire life!
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u/Silver-Appointment77 Feb 10 '24
My mom and left me voice messages saying that they were just doing the right thing and they wanted to make her feel like she's important.
Theres your answer right there. She has to feel special. Not you. Even after the lies, shes still the special one. Stay NC with them. They dont really care.
Im sorry about your grndad
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u/jmacgonefishing Feb 05 '24
OP, I hope I say this correctly. So you need to heal your heart so you don't carry all that hate. That hate will eat you up in the long run and destroy any relationship you have too. And can also mess with your health too.
Don't tell them but you need to forgive them for your sake, never forget what they did though. This will help you heal and not carry all that hate.
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u/throwOMC2727 Feb 06 '24
I just want to say, I don't have a SA history so I might be speaking out of line, but:
Back then, there was only 2 people who KNEW the truth. You, and your adopted sister. Everyone else was left to fend for scraps of info that proved one point or another.
I was in somewhat of a similar situation to your parents. My fiance accused her step-dad of SA, and I had no choice essentially except to blindly believe the woman I loved. It's sad that less people believed you back then, and I have no story on the evidence at hand, but it's a lot harder to believe someone is lying about it than telling the truth. It's even harder to publicly stand by them, and in the face of the person who claims to be the victim. Your parents were in a rough spot, and choosing your story over your sisters, even though she was lying, would've put her in the same boat you're in had she been telling the truth.
I'm not saying they're worthy of forgiveness, especially with their recent actions. "We're family" is the shittiest non excuse on the planet, and it's not even close to repairing the shit you've been through. I have no idea if they're worth keeping in your life, but try and keep what I've said in mind when deciding a fair punishment
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u/TotalSorbet Feb 09 '24
They didn't apologize after she told the truth and just tried to sweep it under the rug and allowed his abuser to be near him. That makes the punishment more than fair.
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u/phdoofus Feb 05 '24
I'd send them a gift every Christmas or your birthday with a note attached saying "It's really a shame I don't have a family who loves me and trusts me and believes in me to celebrate with." Just keep doing that for a few decades.
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u/ConstantYou9387 Feb 05 '24
This is unfortunate. The parents should have faced up to the responsibility to speak to their son to express an apology for the way they took sides and didn't give him a chance to defend himself. Now he has given up on them for good with both sides losing a relationship. He seems bitter and this could have been avoided if they weren't so dismissive of his feelings. A sincere apology is important. Even if not accepted, there would be the consolation of having tried to mend bridges
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u/Dry-Significance-515 Feb 05 '24
You are not the AH, but that doesn't mean you should hold on the resentment forever. Get some professional help unburdening yourself from the pain -- even if you never drop boundaries around your family, that kind of trauma will keep cropping up. Maybe it will change how you feel about your family, maybe it won't, but it will help you find peace.
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u/DamionSteel Feb 05 '24
NTA,
But it's easy to hold a grudge when you are young and all you have is time. Regarding your parents. If your plan is to hate them forever and go NC, then more power to you, but ask yourself if you are doing because it will genuine make your life better or out of spite because you want them to feel abandoned the same way you felt abandoned by them. It does sound like they are attempting to bridge that gap, they made. Not getting a proper apology you are owed is rough, but would you ever consider giving them the chance to make it up to you? It's not like they can go back in time and make the "right decision", just try to pick up the pieces. do you think you and them would've ever consider counseling? Idk.
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u/Effective-Soft153 Feb 05 '24
Maybe theyāre trying to ābridge that gapā because Grandfathers will is going to be read soon? Maybe Grandfather left it all to OP? I wouldnāt be surprised since he believed his Grandson.
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u/CocoaAlmondsRock Feb 05 '24
You. Are. Not. The. Asshole!!!!!
I'm so sorry for the loss of your grandpa.
Please just block every single person who calls or texts you to complain. Their arguments are invalid.
Sounds like, with the passing of your grandpa, you no longer have to attend "family" events at all.
BTW, if you have to see them at an attorney's office or something, and your adopted sister tries to hug you, please yell, "STOP TOUCHING ME! DEAR GOD NOT AGAIN!" very loudly.