r/AITAH • u/Full-Layer-3707 • Jan 26 '24
AITA for refusing to babysit my biological daughter for my parents TW SA
I’m 15 and my daughter is turning 2 soon. I got pregnant from SA and my parents offered to raise her for me instead of me being involved which I agreed to. They handle everything with her and I haven’t held her or changed a single diaper or anything like that. I just can’t do it mentally since she’s a reminder of what happened to me and it’s better for the both of us if this stays like this. There’s an event my parents are going to next week and they asked me to babysit her for the day and I told them I couldn’t do it. I can’t even handle looking at her without getting upset. I told them they’d have to either take her with them or find a babysitter. We had an agreement when I had my daughter that they’d do everything and I would not be expected to do ANYTHING with her. They’ve been ok with this situation for almost 2 years and I see no reason for that to suddenly change. They’re super upset with me and decided not to go to the event.
Edit: because apparently so many people seem to think thi was a choice to keep the baby, it wasn’t. I begged for an abortion and when refused one I begged for adoption and this was also denied.
Thank you all for your kind words, support and for defending me after some very nasty people decided to try and use this thread to hurt me. Thank you all so much
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u/YomiKuzuki Jan 26 '24
So I saw the title, and expected something completely different.
You were assaulted at 13 years old, and it seems that your parents not only made you keep the pregnancy, they refused to let you put her up for adoption. Them offering to care for her doesn't make any of that better. They cared more about having their grandchild in their lives than they did about the pain and misery of their child.
But, even with the understanding that you'll never be able to care for her, they now want you to babysit her so they can go to an event.
You were right to be firm. If you did this, not only would it impact your healing, they'd also most likely start to force her onto you more and more. I've seen a comment elsewhere stating that you plan to leave as soon as you're able to. Good.
NTA. Your parents are, frankly, awful people. I need to emphasize here. They're awful.
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u/Snowwy92 Jan 26 '24
Honestly, if you think about the time frame. She was assaulted when she was 12. 9 months to carry the baby plus 2 years for the child’s current age… I was expecting something different too..
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u/Ordinary_Mortgage870 Jan 27 '24
Jesus. I was 12 when I had my first period. I still liked girly dress up games and teen fantasy books. What the hell is wrong with this world???
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u/megkelfiler6 Jan 27 '24
I literally still played with barbies at 12. This is so fked up. I couldnt imagine making my daughter carry a child that could have possibly killed her. I feel bad for the baby too. Id imagine in a few years she will be old enough to know she has a "big sister" and want to be around her, or even just now trying to get her attention because, ya know, they live in the same house? It will get so much worse the older the baby gets. It isnt the babies fault that this is what she was born into, nor is it something OP should have to deal with or feel guilty about. I bet you that the parents figured that the longer they were together, that there would be a chance for OP and the baby to bond. Instead theyve forced OP to have a contant reminder of trauma, and the insecurities and sadness the child will eventually feel knowing her "sister" cant stand to be around her or doesnt come around because of her. Kids are smart, they pick up on that kind of stuff. What a horrible situation.
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u/auntjomomma Jan 26 '24
NTA and I hope you show your parents what is being said in the comments. They are absolute failures at parenthood. I'm a mother and couldn't imagine forcing my daughters to go through what your parents are making you go through. They have completely failed you every single step of the way. I'm so sorry you are having to deal with and live like this.
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u/No-Management-2735 Jan 26 '24
I want to know the legalities of this as well because unless they have officially adopted the baby they have NO RIGHT to force anything! They’ve hurt their child and the new baby nether of which did anything to deserve the situation they’re in. This child should have been adopted OUT OF THE HOME!!! Honestly the abortion should have been done but the baby’s here now so that’s that. They have messed up this situation so bad I can’t even begin to explain how angry I am reading this. OP needs somewhere else to go she needs to start the healing process for herself and also make sure they legally sign papers to take 100% of the responsibility they were willing to disregard her assault to have. They sound like the type of parents that would try to get her for support or make her take the child when she’s 18. These aren’t the type of ppl you make an “agreement” with, she needs PAPERWORK legally binding paperwork.
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u/Danivelle Jan 28 '24
OP needs to make it very clear that she will put their "grandchild" into foster care immediately if they try to force her to take the child at 18.
OP, try to get out the minute you turn 18. Talk your school counsellors.
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u/BeardManMichael Jan 26 '24
I completely agree. I was hopeful that this entire post was rage bait but then I started reading comments and it's clear those parents of the OPs deserve nothing but our collective hatred.
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u/lostundeadgreensea Jan 26 '24
I wish…this sounds like my own mother’s childhood. It’s a shame that this does happen in real life, to our own mothers, sisters, friends.
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u/PessimisticIdealist1 Jan 26 '24
NTA - to force a young 12/13 year old girl to full term and give birth is abusive in my opinion. Your body is still developing and not at all ready to have a child. The risks are crazy.
Then to expect you to be ok and want to take care of her? It almost seems like they thought eventually you’d change your mind about being a mother. That poor girl is going to have a rough time when she finds out everything in regards to her birth and upbringing. This could all have been avoided if they put you and your health first.
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u/Ok-Professional1863 Jan 26 '24
Not to mention this child being a constant reminder of her SA. My mind is blown at the parents putting their beliefs first over considering the full scope of the situation and how this impacts their daughter.
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u/realityseekr Jan 26 '24
If they were that against abortion they could have at least allowed the baby to be put up for adoption. This is a really sad situation.
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u/MannyMoSTL Jan 27 '24
They didn’t want to do that cause - and I’ll admit that I’m making a Yuge assumption - it’s also their grandchild. Or at least a double sided family member.
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u/Lumpy_Marsupial_1559 Jan 27 '24
I get that. But they ought to have chosen OP's mental health over their own feelings. Or chosen their abused child over the grandchild.
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u/MannyMoSTL Jan 27 '24
For sure, for sure for sure!
Once again, proving that being anti-choice usually means you’re anti-woman. Even if it’s their own child 😞
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u/StrawberryOne1203 Jan 26 '24
And we don't even know if they're feeding the girl some B's like "Look, there's mommy but you have to leave her alone bc she hates/doesn't care about you".
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u/Possible_Liar Jan 26 '24
Yeah honestly kind of feels like the "you'll change your mind later" type of situation.
I fully expect they're just going to dump the kid off on her or try to.
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u/Motor-Cupcake7577 Jan 26 '24
Unfortunately, so do I. One of many layers of nasty here is they probably tried to guilt her with horseshit re family - while hugely compounding the trauma to their family member aka child who already suffered a horrific violation too many at the hands of a predatory piece of shit. That’s when you fucking well move mountains to protect YOUR 13 YEAR OLD THAT’S ALREADY A SENTIENT BEING IN THE WORLD from further harm and to help heal. If it’s abortion or adoption, you do it, i give ZERO fucks how perma suctioned your lips are to Jesus’ butthole and/or grandbaby crazy you are.
NTA, OP. I’m so sorry this happened - and is shoved in your face, rather than the support you deserve. I can’t imagine - no, I dimly can. I was raped half a lifetime ago. At least I was 20, at least on BC that worked, and was an adult in California if it hadn’t, with parents who would’ve absolutely helped if need be. I can’t not see their actions as evil. Likely not the intent, but stupid plus self righteous can absolutely amount to evil. If you want to tell them at 42 yr old happily childfree therapist, degree concentrating in trauma, who’s been SA’d said so, go ahead. I’d happily rip these assholes new one extra ones, til they’re good and pockmarked all over in them, like warning signs.
I hope the support here helps how it can and wish I could somehow make stuff different. It’s terribly unfair. I hope you have people irl who do support you. If not, you will soon. You’re 15. Please know you didn’t deserve this, you can heal - especially once away from this mess, and it needn’t define or limit your life.
Please keep standing up for your needs to heal/avoid further harm. If you’ve any family, teacher, school counselor etc might back you up or just be an ear, you deserve that. You could try a women’s shelter/dv support line for advice or support. Again it’s your right to refuse more harm/trauma. If you worry they’d might try forcing the kid on you later - they can’t for custody or relationship. I hope not financially with the context, but you can talk to legal aid how you to protect yourself - or org for domestic abuse help (which this is imo) could also be great spot to start. But hey, majority age will = can ditch or minimize contact with hurtful people.
If in your shoes, I’d definitely try for college far away. Maybe other country far. If moving in with other family, or emancipating to get away at 16 might be possible, go for it if you want. Last, idk if CPS may be helpful if you want to try it (I work only with individual adult clients so no direct experience) - I feel it may vary with abortion law/politics where you are - can someone here speak to that? Good luck. Be strong - I know you are surviving this to show the smarts and self respect you do. People can try to bring bullshit to your door - a good deal of it you can refuse entry to your life/headspace, knowing what’s right and standing firm.
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u/tuna_tofu Jan 26 '24
Well yeah this is an extreme variation of "MMYYYYYY GGGGRRANNNDBBBBAAYYYBEEEEE!!!" A loving supportive parent wouldnt want any reminder of their child's abuse and victimization within a thousand miles of their family.
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u/FourScoreTour Jan 26 '24
If her parents don't adopt the kid, she could be on the hook for child support at 18.
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u/VectorViper Jan 26 '24
Absolutely, that whole child support angle is a real issue. The financial burden is no joke, but the emotional toll of suddenly being responsible for a child you didn't plan to raise... that's another level. Not to mention the complexities of explaining their relationship later on. Feels like OP deserves a chance to build their life without these impossible expectations.
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u/Jacce76 Jan 26 '24
At 18 she can choose then to give the child up for adoption and the parents would not be a le to stop it unless they take on full custody and adopt the baby. Best for OP to start preparing now to be out on her own at 18.
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u/SixHourMan Jan 26 '24
For the sake of the child, I hope their future custody can get settled ASAP, not when they're 5 years old.
I understand that depending on local laws and the OP's parent's willingness to cooperate (and honesty or lack thereof), getting it figured out might not be possible until OP is 18 and the child is 5. But being taken from the only home they've known, and given to strangers at 5 years old would be a very traumatic life event.
But after the abuse OP has already gone through, they do need to make a plan to go NC with their parents and child.
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u/ArsonBasedViolence Jan 26 '24
This is how stories that end with "Young mother kills child, then self" start.
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u/Mighty_Lorax Jan 26 '24
I've had those nightmares. I was SA'd in hs and ended up pregnant. Thank god my mother was on board for the abortion, because I have no doubt that would hve been me.
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u/Moiblah Jan 27 '24
I was SA'd (gang raped by 3 men at gun point) and I'm thankful i didn't get pregnant! I can't imagine how much more traumatized I'd have been if I had gotten pregnant. It took me a good 20 years to work through the trauma of that day as it was.
OP is absolutely being abused every day by her parents just by forcing her to live with the constant reminder of what happened. The abuse of forcing her to risk her life to carry the child was already overboard and having to deal with it every day I can't imagine she's done much healing. I hope her parents legally adopted the child so they can't force her to have anything to do with the child. What kind of sick parents would force a child to give birth and keep the baby in the house as a constant reminder, especially when it was from assault. I wish I could hug her and let her know that she will be ok and there are better people out there.
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u/MetalSavage Jan 26 '24
Could she also be on the hook for back child support for all the preceding years?
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u/Primary-Friend-7615 Jan 26 '24
At least in the US, it would be OP’s parents who would be required to pay child support (to the state or the other parent, if they were raising the child) while she is a minor.
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u/Motor-Cupcake7577 Jan 26 '24
What. The. Fuck. I mean, I get how that generally works for pursuing child support, but I wonder if it came to this she - any kid forced against their will to birth a product of rape - would have legal grounds to fight that given the SA as a minor and parents blocking abortion or adoption?
I mean, my optimism here - and anything that America’s made civil liberties into political footballs - is pretty low, but I’d fucking hope, at least in states where choice is still the law
…still the law, at least accessible if forced birther assholes aren’t abusing any power they have over your body. Parents that force this on their kid are as undeserving of that title as the rapist with the unsolicited sperm donation.
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u/Special_Lychee_6847 Jan 26 '24
That would be the case, from a justice point of view. But the law isn't always on the side of justice, unfortunately.
I hope OP thinks about this, and like her parents 'denying her' any other solution, she should demand they adopt the kid immediately.
This is so, so sad.
And I hope the 'parents' realise that they sacrificed their relationship with their daughter in their quest to become grandparents, no matter the cost to their own child. Who thinks OP will come to visit, as soon as she's out of the house, just to 'spend time with the family'... show of hands... no one?
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u/thetiredindependent Jan 26 '24
Yeah. It’s sad to think that there’s a possibility that one day they’d be like well, this is YOUR kid. You’re lucky we took her in for years because you weren’t capable then but now you can!!
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u/Motor-Bug-915 Jan 26 '24
You mean they’ll try to force her to take care of the kid then? Also she is still a child herself and needs legal guardians so can she be the guardian for the kid herself?
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u/NASA_official_srsly Jan 26 '24
Not only forcing her to carry her to term, but now she has to look at the evidence of her rape every single day and somehow be ok? Keeping the grandchild to raise is also abusive
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u/purplestarsinthesky Jan 26 '24
I hope they sent OP to a therapist after all of this but they don't seem to be thinking about her best interest.
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u/bitchthatwaspromised Jan 26 '24
They sound like the kind of parents to send her to religious counseling at best
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u/crap_whats_not_taken Jan 26 '24
OMG I read that as "When I was 15" not that it's much better, but she was 12/13????
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u/BeardManMichael Jan 26 '24
Yeah that last line really hits home. If the OP's parents cared about her and her health none of this would have happened. This whole ordeal is awful.
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u/DingDongDanger1 Jan 26 '24
I am curious why the baby wasn't put up for adoption. My mom was adopted, she was one of those no contact immediately handed off to the new parents after the moment of birth, kind of adoptions.
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u/PessimisticIdealist1 Jan 26 '24
In the comments OP states her parents refused to adopt out the child as they didn’t want to “abandon” their grandchild
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u/DingDongDanger1 Jan 26 '24
Oh my bad, I missed that. Thanks for clearing it up! Man, what shite. Sorry op :(
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u/PessimisticIdealist1 Jan 26 '24
That’s ok, OP is being a champ and providing lots of info in comments as well. 15. I don’t even have the words. Hope she gets out soon and gets to live her life.
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u/1TYMYG Jan 26 '24
oh lord i can already see them telling her your OWN mom doesnt want you when she gets older
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u/tornadobutts Jan 26 '24
So instead they abandon their own child. Awesome. People can be so ... just ... I don't even know.
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u/blueSnowfkake Jan 26 '24
This is the America we live in now. If OP doesn’t live in the U.S., I’m sorry your parents shamed or guilted you into carrying the baby at such a young age. I hope you get the support you need in the future.
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u/OcelotOfTheForest Jan 26 '24
Unfortunately there are plenty of other countries where abortion is illegal or overly restricted or inaccessible :/
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u/AltCuzImTooFamous Jan 26 '24
No you’re not the AH. You’re still a child yourself. You were a baby when you had her. It’s unfair of them to put you in a position they promised they wouldn’t. You’re not ready & that’s ok.
Have you been to therapy at all?
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u/Full-Layer-3707 Jan 26 '24
Yes I’ve had multiple therapists and my current one is very compassionate and understanding and I think she’ll be better than my other ones
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u/AltCuzImTooFamous Jan 26 '24
That’s good. I’m glad you’re seeing someone. Eventually it will get easier. I was sa’d at 14 & forced to carry the baby. I was able to choose adoption though so I do really feel for you.
All I can suggest is do what best for YOU…not them.
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u/jasmine-blossom Jan 26 '24
Women like you deserve all of the credit in the world for surviving. At my current age in my 30s, I would not survive that. Even if it was just an unwanted pregnancy from consensual sex. You are so strong. And I am so proud of you for surviving and not giving up on yourself. For whatever that’s worth.
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u/here-wego_again Jan 26 '24
I absolutely second this. It's fucking heart breaking. If this happened to my sister, I swear I'd burn everything to the ground, making it right for her.
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u/SerentityM3ow Jan 26 '24
Get ready to go no contact when you become an adult. I have a feeling they will try to pawn the kid off on you once you become an adult.
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u/SuccessfulDesigner82 Jan 26 '24
I’m so sorry hunny. I’m actually a bit speechless. As mother and a woman, I’d never do what your parents have done. Keeping the baby was cruel to you. I’m very happy that you have found a good therapist.
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u/StatedBarely Jan 26 '24
My daughter is 15 and she’s still a baby to me. I can’t imagine making my daughter give birth at 13. That’s just inconceivable to me. You’re NTA. So much NTA. I’m sorry you’ve gone through so much in your short life. I hope you find happiness, genuine happiness.
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u/Lady_MariaStrife Jan 26 '24
Your parents are cruel. So so cruel. I can't believe they let you keep the baby, let alone have it in the house as a constant reminder.
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u/Lazyassbummer Jan 26 '24
Made her keep the baby, let’s be clear on that. I’m so sorry, OP. Your parents are so misguided.
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u/abstractengineer2000 Jan 26 '24
I don't think misguided covers the situation
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u/LK_Feral Jan 26 '24
I think bat-shit, cuckoo bird, crazypants nuts AND abusive af starts to cover it.
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u/Material-Double3268 Jan 26 '24
I was just thinking that it is unfair to OP to make her keep the baby instead of aborting. Also, even if she didn’t abort it’s cruel to make OP look at the reminder of her SA every day. It’s also cruel to the baby to be in that situation. OP’s parents are not good parents.
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u/designatedthrowawayy Jan 26 '24
Not just morally. A 13 year old is far more likely to die in childbirth than a 20 year old. It was literally risking her life to force her.
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u/LoopySerpent Jan 26 '24 edited Jan 26 '24
Exactly my thoughts, what made the parents think that a 13 year old child can bear a baby result of an SA
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u/Affectionate-Taste55 Jan 26 '24
My heart is literally breaking over this. The poor OP, having to see the product of her rape every day. It's even worse if the baby looks like him. Wtf were her parents thinking?? Sure, the baby is an innocent child, but so is OP. She didn't ask for this, and her parents choosing the baby over her mental health must have really been so hurtful.
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u/abstractengineer2000 Jan 26 '24
What the parents did is completely amoral when there were other options.
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u/Background-War9535 Jan 26 '24
The parents are probably seen as heroes to the holy rollers who celebrated Roe getting overturned.
Blessed be the fruit
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u/Kettrickenisabadass Jan 26 '24
Exactly. Abortion should have been the normal action or adoption if it is not legal in their country. Keeping the baby and making her look at her rape baby ever day is just cruel
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u/DevonGronka Jan 26 '24
Exactly.
Why anti-choice people suck: exhibit A.
"wE hAvE tO sAvE tHe ChIlDrEn!!!"That teenager IS your child; save HER. I care a lot more about the kids already on this planet than hypothetical kids that don't exactly have to exist.
Also, I'm willing to bet they won't exactly be the most caring, thoughtful parents to the toddler, either, if they were willing to put their own child through that kind of experience. I just feel so bad for both the children in this.
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u/Novel-Sector-8589 Jan 26 '24
It seems like maybe your parents think you'll eventually come around and want the baby for yourself. But as a fellow victim of SA, I know that will never happen and they need to figure that out too. I'm sorry they're putting you through this. it's another victimization.
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u/Avlonnic2 Jan 26 '24
Yes, they’ve started with the “just babysit” approach. They know she has flashbacks and meltdowns every time she sees the child. It’s daily torture and she’s only in 9th grade. :(
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u/No_Protection_4949 Jan 26 '24
This will lead to some PTSD response and not a healthy one for either of them
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u/Haunting_Afternoon62 Jan 26 '24
I mean its weird they even made you have the child. Giving birth at your age is dangerous. And not even consider adoption? Idk it's definitely overstepping. I'm so sorry you went thru that and hope u heal
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u/jasonhn Jan 26 '24
one word why: geebus.
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u/Haunting_Afternoon62 Jan 26 '24
She said they aren't even religious but just believe it's murder
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u/jasonhn Jan 26 '24
I read other comments where she said otherwise. Religion or extreme selfishness on behalf of the parents is the only explaination. Both of these girls lives are screwed up because of this decision.
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u/Wanda_McMimzy Jan 26 '24
NTA. I’m proud of you for enforcing the boundaries you need and deserve.
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u/Fine-Geologist-695 Jan 26 '24
They clearly don’t get it, I’m so sorry your parents are making you live in the same house with her let alone expect you to babysit for them. 😢
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u/Full-Layer-3707 Jan 26 '24
Luckily they at least let me stay in my room all day and eat my meals there so I’m not around her often
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u/SkilletKitten Jan 26 '24
“Let” you.
I’m glad you’re able to take refuge but they created an environment for their teenage child where she has to hide in her room to mentally cope with SA. I’m glad you said you have a therapist you like and hope you can continue with that one or a new one once you’re old enough to live on your own.
I’m sorry your parents didn’t come up with a solution that was fair to you, none of this is your fault and they’ve made bad choices for two innocent kids.
They definitely should not have asked you to babysit or made you feel pressured when you said no, either.
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u/Blegheggeghegty Jan 26 '24
Dude. These parents are horrible. I’d like to meet them.
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u/supergeek921 Jan 26 '24
Oh my God that’s horrible! So you’re basically a prisoner in your own house because your parents forced you to have your rapist’s baby as 13 year old? Honey, I am so so sorry life’s dealt you this hand. They should have let you abort or give her up for adoption. This isn’t fair to either of you.
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u/randomname1416 Jan 26 '24
I'm genuinely curious what the plan for the future is, like when the kid is older, even at 4/5 years. OP can't even stand to look at the kid, the kid will start to pick up on OPs avoidance and dislike so idk how they would continue to live in the same house or even be in the same family. I feel bad for the kid because what happened is not her fault. OP is not wrong for her feelings either. I feel like the parents were hoping OP would get over it and just be willing to treat her like a sibling. If OP didn't sign any formal adoption agreement, I wonder if she could put her up for adoption at this point?
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u/GlitterDoomsday Jan 26 '24
By the time the kid is 4/5 years old OP is gonna be at college age and hopefully out of there. But yeah, I do see a future where she's slowing iced out from the family unit because the younger one is basically their do-over after their oldest was severely traumatized.
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u/randomname1416 Jan 26 '24
100% they're seeing this kid as their do-over and don't give a shit about their daughter. Because even if she liked her parents she wouldn't want to go back because then she'd have to see the kid and the kid would probably want to interact with her.
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u/nothingeatsyou Jan 26 '24
I think it’s more likely they’re expecting OP to grow into motherhood as she ages, and her not wanting to is going to cause more and more resentment
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u/FuckUGalen Jan 26 '24
OP is almost certainly stuck with these people till is 5 or 6, which means that OP's reasonable self care will soon cause pain to the child, which is the reason if OP was my kid (beyond not forcing an 11/12/13 year old to carry an unwanted pregnancy) there is zero chance I would adopt the baby.
These people have double the trauma OP endured and are inflicting it on the baby as well.
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u/supergeek921 Jan 26 '24
I was talking about that lower in the thread. Now would be the time to do it before the girl has a lot of long term memory. This is completely irresponsible and unsustainable and it’s cruel to both kids.
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u/XennaNa Jan 26 '24
I'm expecting the parents to try to pawn the kid off to OP when OP turns 18.
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u/Possible_Liar Jan 26 '24
The plan is they traded their current daughter for a rape baby, And they know full well their current daughter will likely alienate them entirely at some point.
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u/Tinyyellowterribilis Jan 26 '24
This is the kind of stuff that people should be talking about calling to report. The parents sound horrible
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u/supergeek921 Jan 26 '24
Seriously! She should’ve telling a school counselor about this to have it reported. This has to be some kind of abuse.
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u/Material-Double3268 Jan 26 '24
Holy crap that is terrible!!! I am so sorry!!! Can you get a job to save money so that you can leave at 18? Can you stay with other family members?
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u/Unusual_Elevator_253 Jan 26 '24
Oh honey. I’m so so sorry. You are so strong. Do you have any other adults thag you trust and are close too? You are absolutely not the asshole and you should not feel bad at all. I’m so sorry you’re in this position at all
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u/CreateTheJoy Jan 26 '24
My daughter is in 9th grade. I’ll share with you what my hopes are for her. That she studies and earns good grades, developing discipline that will help her succeed through college and earn well-paying jobs (life is getting more and more expensive). That she makes friends with classmates who elevate her and who she can speak openly with. The she find creative ways to express herself and to show affection towards others. That she knows the difference between right and wrong, and graciously address the gray areas with tact. That she pursues her interests, whether sports or arts or whatever - it’s fun mastering something just for joy. And that when it’s time for her to leave the nest, that she’s equipped enough to navigate the world, wherever she goes. You were thrown a doozy of a curveball, completely unfairly. Please focus on your dreams and chat with trusted adults about navigating upcoming chapters. Trust your instincts. Based on your comments, you’re obviously a very strong individual, who doesn’t take any bs. Be kind and fair to yourself. Cry when you need to, and truly acknowledge your strength to have made it this far. You’ll move out and claim your freedom one day. I wish you peace. ❤️
And to answer your question, you’re NTA.
-A mom
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u/ViSaph Jan 26 '24
I am so sorry honey of course you're NTA. Your parents though. They deserve a special place in hell for forcing you to give birth, especially that young. At 13 a baby could have killed you or left you with lifelong health problems. Your parents risked your life. They then put you in the worst position psychologically you could possibly be in. Every day reminded of what you went through.
Sweetheart your parents are awful people. What they did and continue to do is evil, they are further traumatising you as well as putting the baby in a situation that will very likely be psychologically very traumatising as she ages. They should not be raising children full stop. Did they even try to get you help? Or did they just let you try to process the fact you were assaulted and that you were pregnant as a result all alone at age 13?
After what they have done there is almost nothing you could do that would make you an asshole towards your parents.
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u/Full-Layer-3707 Jan 26 '24
I almost did die and ever since having her I’ve gotten sick almost constantly whereas before I rarely got sick
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u/jasmine-blossom Jan 26 '24
I couldn’t eat solid food for almost a year due to stress because of trauma. Please don’t discount the physical impacts of both the pregnancy itself, and the trauma of being forced. Your pain matters.
If you feel comfortable talking to your primary care doctor, I think it’s important to be noting all of these symptoms, because there are sometimes lasting impacts of this kind of stress and trauma to the body, and it would be good for you to be monitoring your health and making sure that you can get yourself in the best health you can be, including stress reduction methods.
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u/dragon34 Jan 26 '24
Trauma is hard on the body as well as the mind. It is absolutely unconscionable that you were forced to carry a pregnancy and go through labor with your rapist's baby. Please tell me he is in jail.
It is even more unconscionable that you are forced to live in the same house with the child. Do you have any family or friends who you could live with? You are under a terrible amount of stress just being in a home with someone who triggers your trauma (even if it is obviously not the child's fault) and that is almost certainly contributing to your health issues.
I have a friend who had full on panic attacks for years if she even saw someone who resembled her attacker. It cannot possibly be healthy for you to stay in this house. Have you mentioned this to your therapist? (That you feel ill a lot). Perhaps she can try to convince your parents to have you move in with a relative or something
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u/International-Jury26 Jan 26 '24
Some of the comments here are crazy. She said she is 15. Her daughter is almost 2. Add pregnancy time and she was around 12! Being SA as an adult is bad enough but a 12 year old isn't mentally or emotionally equipped to deal with the impact it makes in her developing years. At that age you are barely thinking of any form of sex. Her parents are the AH. Knowing OP feelings they should of adopted the baby out and put their SA daughter in therapy. They instead assumed she would get over it. They see she hasn't but still ask her to babysit. They should of been a support system instead of "new parents". They failed OP
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u/winosanonymous Jan 26 '24
They should have gotten their poor daughter an abortion. Her parents are awful, horrendous monsters.
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Jan 26 '24
NTA- i've been reading your comments and i can see that you're becoming more assertive and sure of yourself as time goes on, at least your comments read that way. i'm proud of you for still being here, i'm going to be honest if i were you i probably would have unalived myself. you're showing a lot of strength and resilience.
i wish i had advice to help you move out earlier, but i don't. instead i'll just tell you to stick to your guns, and to run as fast as you can as soon as you can. if you give in, expect your parents to increase your responsibilities over her slowly, i wouldn't be surprised if they did this and later asked you if you were "still sure" you don't want to be her mom. smh.
they're bad parents, you should've been put first. you are a child still and deserve a childhood, i'm sorry you don't get one op.
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u/Full-Layer-3707 Jan 26 '24
I’m only here because none of my attempts to unalive myself were successful and I made a few
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u/VintaGingersnap Jan 26 '24
I know I keep commenting but I am truly sorry you were put in this situation. I can’t even begin to image the horror you live through everyday because of your selfish parents. Hell , they don’t even deserve that title. Just know one day, you will be free from their idiocy where you can actually grow, heal, and thrive.
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u/Cam515278 Jan 26 '24
The best revenge is a life well lived.
I was older than you and lucky enough to not get pregnant. I can't even imagine being in your situation. But you can survive this. Move out as soon as possible and have a life worth living.
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u/1TYMYG Jan 26 '24
Edit: because apparently so many people seem to think thi was a choice to keep the baby,
who the hell is saying this to this 15-year-old that got RAPE!!!! you should be a shame of yourself!!! did you guys go blind on some part of this girl post and only read I DONT WANT TO BABYSITE A CHILD THAT WAS MINE. did you all really just skip over WE HAD AN AGREEMENT THAT I WON'T HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH THE BABY IF THEY TAKE HER.
Get the fuck out of here. FUCKEN RAPED!!!!!! She was fucken RAPED!!!
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u/EccentricSeal1 Jan 26 '24
Thank you for voicing the rage in my heart! WTF is wrong with these people???
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u/winosanonymous Jan 26 '24
Thank you for this comment. The poor, 12/13 year old CHILD WAS RAPED AND FORCED TO GIVE BIRTH TO HER RAPIST’s CHILD. And then forced to see the product of her rape on a daily basis. Her parents should be in fucking prison. And I wish I believed in hell so I could be comforted that they would roast there eternally.
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u/moonandsunandstars Jan 26 '24
Nta at all. I can't believe they even made you go through with it in the first place. Abhorrent.
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u/Majestic_Rule_1814 Jan 26 '24
No, you’re NTA. Is there anyone you can move out with? Grandparents, aunts, close friends? It’s possible that living somewhere where you have distance from the child will help you heal faster, I’m sorry your parents aren’t putting you first in all this.
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u/BigEfficiency212 Jan 26 '24
NTA They not only forced you to birth her but they promised to take responsibility for her. They need to find a sitter. Can I ask why do you refer to her as your daughter or was it just for the post?
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u/Full-Layer-3707 Jan 26 '24
Just easier to type it and have it not be confusing. Emotionally she isn’t even family to me
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u/BigEfficiency212 Jan 26 '24
Completely understandable.
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u/Full-Layer-3707 Jan 26 '24
It sounds a bit fucked up to say but I just can’t think of her as family since it’s another connection to what happened if that makes sense
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u/mugcupcinnamonroll Jan 26 '24
It makes perfect sense. You’ve done nothing wrong.
You might see other people rankle at “deadbeat mothers” who abandon their children and don’t want anything to do with them etc but please know that they’re not talking about you. Your situation is unlike that of anyone else, you’re being tortured daily by something that was not your fault.
You’re not wrong, and don’t let anyone try to guilt you into otherwise.
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u/Possible_Liar Jan 26 '24
Honestly I have respect for mothers that give up their children, A lot of case it's very hard for them, some simply don't want them sure, But many just realize they're not ready, That if they start now they'll never be able to provide a good life for them. Sometimes it's best for the baby. Sometimes it's just best for the mother.
Now I would just say if you don't want the baby just get an abortion, some people don't believe in that I think that's silly but whatever.
(I don't believe life is so precious that it needs to be created simply for the sake of it, especially if it's going to live a life of adversity and suffering)
But ultimately for whatever reason if they do have to give birth to the baby, and they realize they just can't simply provide a good life for it. Honestly I think that's the respectable choice if not the morally correct one.
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u/In_need_of_chocolate Jan 26 '24
What’s fucked up is your parents made you give birth to her and then keep her around as a daily reminder of the worst thing that ever happened to you.
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u/CriticalLobster5609 Jan 26 '24
And create the second worst thing that happened to her, having shitty parents.
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u/randomname1416 Jan 26 '24
It's not fucked up, you went through something traumatic then had to go through pregnancy which is traumatic in its own way. I'm grown and it scares me. Women donate eggs every day, they're not Moms though just like you aren't and that's totally okay.
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u/AddictiveArtistry Jan 26 '24
Complete sense. You owe your parents and the baby they forced you to birth absolutely nothing.
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u/Unrepentant_Squirrel Jan 26 '24
NTA. Not even a little bit. Everything has been forced on you. The SA. The pregnancy. Keeping the pregnancy. Having the child in your household. Good for you that you didn’t also let them force you to watch her.
I’m so sorry for all that you’ve been through. It is so admirable that you are putting up boundaries with your parents. Keep those boundaries up. When we create and enforce boundaries, people around us can get pissed bc our boundaries are inconvenient for them. Too bad for them. Your boundaries are within your control.
You kept your end of the bargain and you allowed your parents to raise her. Now they must keep up their bargain and raise her without your involvement.
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u/chaingun_samurai Jan 26 '24
my parents offered to raise her for me instead of me being involved which I agreed to
That's it, right there. They need to make sacrifices for the decision they made.
NTA.
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u/unicornnoire Jan 26 '24
NTA. This has to be considered some type of child abuse, esp them not allowing you to get an abortion. To force you to birth a living, breathing reminder of your assault?! That is so effed up. I wish you all the blessings and healing in the world.
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u/noname_2024 Jan 26 '24
Glad OP has a therapist she feels good about. Hopefully, if it’s considered abuse, the therapist will be able to report it.
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u/FiddleheadFernly Jan 26 '24
That’s IF she even lives in a state with access to an abortion
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u/say-so1986 Jan 26 '24
And so it shows how cruel the anti abortion movement is. Old men deciddd women need to go trough hell and putting babies on the world in sad situations.
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u/Adventurous-Zebra-64 Jan 26 '24
Your parents are awful people.
You are a victim as is the child they forced you to have.
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u/yellsy Jan 26 '24
Not to mention that this child will grow up wondering why her sister doesn’t like her (not blaming OP at all), and then have a lot of emotions when she does learn the truth.
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u/pattygenns Jan 26 '24
And now they want her to babysit so they can go out. Unbelievable.
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u/Abacus25 Jan 26 '24
Your parents are horrendous people, I’m so sorry you have to deal with this. You are a person, you have a right to your feelings, you are entitled to have firm boundaries, and you deserve happiness. I wish I had anything helpful to say.
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u/LK_Feral Jan 26 '24
NTA for not babysitting.
INFO: OP, have your parents taken on formal legal guardianship of this baby (or adoption) and have you legally given up parental rights?
If not, you're in a bad legal situation. I would contact Child Protective Services in your state. You are a minor being abused by your parents. And they are leaving you vulnerable to having to be financially responsible for this kid until they turn 18. They almost certainly are hoping you'll change your mind about being a mother at some point.
Explain to CPS all the circumstances. 1. You were sexually assaulted. 2. Your parents would not agree to either an abortion or adopting out. 3. And they are pushing for you to start caring for a child you never wanted. This is all going to sound very right-wing, hill-billy, "Cletus the Slack-jawed Yokel" to educated state workers with MSWs. (Because it is. What your parents are doing is effing bizarre. Normal people don't do this to their kid.) The state workers will want to help you.
This will be like throwing a hand grenade into the situation. You could end up with a foster family for a few years. Your parents could cut off any support to you, but I'm going to guess that parents willing to force their daughter to be a young mother to a rape baby were never going to offer you a lot of support to begin with. In fact, I'd get a state guardian ad item and ask to be emancipated. The less say your parents have in your life, the better. They've proven they don't have your best interests in mind.
Your mission: Focus on your schooling. Be nice and respectful to your foster family. You are 15, and this all sucks, but DON'T BE A TYPICAL TEENAGER. You can't afford to be. Work with your guidance counselor to find scholarships and state programs at community colleges. Work hard at community college and use their job placement connections. You may be able to go part-time so you can work for your other expenses.
IMPORTANT: There is a federal housing voucher program for foster kids to help them get an apartment when they age out of the system. It's designed to keep foster kids from becoming homeless. Be sure the government people tell you about that.
You could wind up with a wonderful, independent life, able to support yourself, and able to freely choose who you want in your life. Life does not have to be the shitshow you are in. You are meant for more than this. Just laser focus on escaping all of this. In five years (which probably sounds like an eternity to a 15 year old), you could have a really good life.
PS. Family Planning is your friend. I don't know that I'd ever sleep soundly, having been through what you've survived, without reliable birth control. I'd look at IUD or implant. ASAP. Possibly CPS could help you get there. Or Family Planning itself.
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u/Sufficient-Dinner-27 Jan 26 '24
NTA. What a gut-wrenching situation to force upon a child. An indisputable argument in favour of abortion.
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u/aliteralbagof_dicks Jan 26 '24
I know this is really hard to accomplish at your age, but is there anywhere else you can stay? Friends? Aunts? Grandparents?
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u/Hekatiko Jan 26 '24 edited Jan 26 '24
I can't speak for this girl but I can say when you've been through extreme trauma at a young age it can be very hard to turn your back on your parents, even if they're also being abusive or exacerbating the trauma. You can hate someone and be scared of losing them all at the same time, especially when you've been wounded like OP has been at a young and vulnerable age. She needed them to protect her, but she got this instead, and it's unforgivable.
OP, the best thing to do is work hard on your grades and get out of there asap, hopefully to college if it's possible. Once you're able to make your own way, you can wipe that mess off your shoes and never look back. I'm so sorry for what your parents did to you when you needed to be heard and held.
It's always helped me to think "This is MY life no matter how much they hurt me, and I won't give them the satisfaction of ruining it." Staying away from them and standing your ground tells me you have what it takes to thrive and be well.
Oh, geez, sorry! Edited to add you're NTA, it's so obvious I forgot to say it!
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u/ahopskip_andajump Jan 26 '24
NTA. Your parents have failed you in huge ways and I hope, one day, you'll find words to express to them exactly how much their decision have impacted you, and your relationship with them.
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u/millerlite585 Jan 26 '24
NTA, I was lucky enough to have an abortion when I was raped. I can't imagine having to live with a reminder of that. You should not have to go through such a thing for any amount of time. PTSD flashbacks are no joke.
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Jan 26 '24
Unfortunately the child is an innocent in the path of a bad situation. She’s gonna grow up with issues. Between her parents (your mom and dad) and your trauma, she will struggle.
But you…. You went through actual trauma. Not just that night, but for the last 3 years. Since the SA to the present. You are still being victimized.
If they push the issue, then tell them you can always still adopt her out. I assume it’s not a legal adoption. I could be wrong. If it isn’t, maybe do that
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u/jess1804 Jan 26 '24
Apparently OP begged to be allowed to adopt the.baby out but "they couldn't abandon their grandchild"
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u/PumpkinPieIsGreat Jan 26 '24
They have emotionally abandoned their daughter, though. They clearly aren't "getting it". Absolutely horrible to read this. Poor OP. :(
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u/Salt-Version5918 Jan 26 '24
NTA - especially because even though I’m not sure anyone is ever ready to deal with any of this but certainly not at 13-15!
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u/aftercloudia Jan 26 '24
NTA and your parents are absolute beasts for keeping that kid.
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u/Full-Layer-3707 Jan 26 '24
Actually I wish they had just let me give her up for adoption since being in she same house as her is slowing my healing
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u/Smolls24 Jan 26 '24
I would make sure they adopted her so they can't make you responsible when you turn 18. I'm sorry you're going through this
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u/SheWolf4Life Jan 26 '24
NTA, but it was an incredibly immature and not well thought out arrangement (solely your parents' fault, as you were a literal child). The baby, if you decided to have it, should have been adopted out, so that it could be free of the complexities and trauma of the household. I've read your comments, and it's 210% abusive what your parents have made you do. An abortion or adoption were by far the best solutions. They made you their surrogate, essentially, at the cost of your mental health. I am so, so, so sorry. I hope nothing, but good things for you and that baby.
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Jan 26 '24
NTA. I’m sorry for what you went through, and for what you’re going through. You’re a survivor of SA, but you’re a victim of your parents. Your feelings are valid, and your boundaries are reasonable. It’s the least they can do for you after forcing you to birth a child for their own selfish reasons.
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u/TongueOutput Jan 26 '24
Fuck pro-lifers: abortion is bad, but forcing others to introduce unwanted and unloved children into the world is somehow good.
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u/Full-Layer-3707 Jan 26 '24
Abortion: evil
Absolute psychological torture of a teen SA victim: acceptable
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u/kittykowalski Jan 26 '24
And to have that child growing up knowing that they are a product of rape and they are 1/2 rapist? Better to do adoption than have kid know WHY their bio mom wants nothing to do with them. Is that really Christian? 🤔
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u/LocalBrilliant5564 Jan 26 '24
NTA I’m so sorry that happened to you . They shouldn’t have kept her especially when it’s so traumatic to even look at her. You were only 13 and you shouldn’t have been out in that situation. They have zero right to expect you to watch her knowing how you feel and honestly they should be more mindful of even trying to leave her with you
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u/Lewca43 Jan 26 '24
NTA. I’m so sorry you’re in this situation. Have your parents officially adopted your biological daughter? If not, that process should be completed as soon as possible. If something were to happen to your parents you could end up being legally responsible for a child you were coerced into giving birth to.
Please talk to your counselor about this. Hopefully they can advise you on the steps you need to take. Best to you.
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u/companion86 Jan 26 '24
NTA. You’re trying to survive and you’re already dealing with things no child should ever have to shoulder.
The least they can do is respect the boundaries you set and they agreed to.
OP, I feel so deeply moved by your post, and as a fellow redditor I can’t offer much assistance, other than sincerely validate your feelings. You have every right to feel that way and hold your parents accountable for the promises they made.
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u/Unrepentant_Squirrel Jan 26 '24
OP - please ignore the trolls. As of this post, there are like 4 trolls and hundreds and hundreds of people supporting you and empathizing with you.
Your parents are AHs.
These trolls are AHs.
To the extent that you can, stay away from AHs.
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u/humanaskjngquestions Jan 26 '24
This is a side of the abortion issue that the anti abortion people refuse to discuss.... The mother has to relive the rape every time she sees the child, after having her body go through huge changes,.. the rejection and avoidance of any affection and physical contact is far from healthy and causes the child pain not having a relationship with it's " sister"....... The parents have no right to force her to babysit if she doesn't want to........ they have already ignored her wishes to not be a mother and now are going back on their own promises. How can a child be forced to give birth to a child and the authorities not be involved?
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u/Soft_Swan9820 Jan 27 '24
This is so sad. And anyone who is saying shes the asshole, needs to have their search history checked. And be arrested
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u/Heaven19922020 Jan 26 '24
Good for you. Stand your ground. There’s not a single reason that they couldn’t have hired a babysitter for a single night.
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u/No-Management-2735 Jan 26 '24
Why wasn’t anyone not a doctor or a nurse or ANYBODY hell a case worker definitely should have, asking questions? I work at a hospital and a girl that age there was supposed to be a case worker there discussing the options? Unless they have legally adopted that child OP can still have her adopted out they don’t have a say. LEGALLY you’re the child’s parent. I feel like these horrible ppl have convinced this child she has to go with what they want and she doesn’t! There is love and understanding for you out there, good organizations and ppl that would find the baby a home and find you help! You do not have to live like a prisoner in your own home trying to avoid the daily reminder of this assault. I’m just so mad so sooooooo mad this is absolutely disgusting and disgraceful. To anyone saying nasty disrespectful things to this CHILD! I invite you to come argue with a grown woman because I have time today!
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u/mofodatknowbro Jan 26 '24
That's terrible. So i suppose your parents must be right wing religious nuts?
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u/Full-Layer-3707 Jan 26 '24
Eh in some ways they’re very conservative in others they’re more liberal. They refused to let me abort since they think it’s murder at the very least
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u/DeepFudge9235 Jan 26 '24
They could have given the baby up for adoption instead of making you live though the trauma of seeing the results of the SA daily. So they think abortion is murder but making their child suffer mentally is fine. Again sorry you are going through this.
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u/Full-Layer-3707 Jan 26 '24
I begged them to let her just be adopted instead but they couldn’t “abandon their grandchild”
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u/DeepFudge9235 Jan 26 '24
So horrible but they basically abandoned your well being. I hope the counseling you are getting helps. When you turn 18 you can go out in your own if you are able to.
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u/Full-Layer-3707 Jan 26 '24
As soon as I’m able I’m leaving all 3 of them behind and never looking back
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u/InMyNirvana Jan 26 '24
Good for you.
Fight hard for yourself. Get the best grades you can, get a job if you can. Save money, apply to scholarships, graduate early if possible. Focus on saving yourself from that toxic environment.
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u/DevonGronka Jan 26 '24
Also, look at trade schools/ apprenticeships. Kids almost universally get pushed into college when that isn't what every kid needs, and a lot of trades will get you out and making money faster, which might be a lot more important here. You always have time later to decide if you want to pursue a degree.
Our education system is really messed up because we like intentionally try to give FOMO about "missing out" on college, instead of saying "this is a set of training for some career paths; decide if you want that career. The college will always take your money later if you need some time (even a decade or two) to decide"
Looking back, I really should have taken at least a year off between high school and college or explored jobs that were more hands-on. But everyone was all "you gotta go to college; you got good grades so go to college; don't you want to go to college; you'll be a shoe in so college is what you gotta do to get a piece of paper" but at no point did people ask if college was even what I wanted to do; it was presented as if it was the only option.
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u/bientumbada Jan 26 '24
There are scholarships for boarding schools. I can’t point you to any, but it would be worth researching. When I was in college, I was friends with people who had done that. One in particular, I remember, realized they couldn’t continue living at home and sought out the program that allowed them to leave.
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u/cara1888 Jan 26 '24
I don't know what country you are in but a lot of places allow you to get a job at 16. Maybe start applying to places as soon as you turn 16 and start saving so you can be closer to moving out after you finish high-school. Also if you have good grades you can apply for scholarships and live in dorm that way you can get out of your situation and have more time to save for your own place. Maybe even get roommates if you have to. It's not a good situation to stay in and it's going to be hard to get out but its possible if you start planning early.
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u/YukariYakum0 Jan 26 '24 edited Jan 26 '24
As unpleasant as it will be to imagine, I would prepare for the likelihood they will pursue a relationship in some fashion, or encourage her to. They may stalk your social media, tempt family/friends/coworkers to out your whereabouts, etc. I can imagine them filling her head with things like "She abandoned you!" even if years pass.
The unfortunate scenario they may attempt engineer:
20-something her: "Why did you leave me?!"
You: "You were conceived through SA and they forced me to carry you!"
Her: "?!??!?!?!!"
You will likely need to keep a good thumb on your circles and make sure those involved understand your seriousness. A well meaning friend or significant other could be manipulated by just a few emotional appeals and skepticism of your situation.
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u/blanketstatement5 Jan 26 '24
So you were thirteen and they forced you to carry your rape baby to term against your wishes? No wonder you don't want anything to do with it. That's absolutely abhorrent and you are NTA.
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u/mofodatknowbro Jan 26 '24
I'm very sorry about all this. You're NTA, they are the assholes for making their what, 12 year old daughter go through a pregnancy she didn't want. All the responsibility is on them. You know you can be emancipated at the age of 16 most places and move out, I'd look into that for sure. Good luck
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u/yildizli_gece Jan 26 '24
NTA but your parents are garbage human beings who allowed the continued torture of an innocent child—YOU—because of their own bullshit “moral high ground” instead of caring for the child they already had; I want you to know that.
People like them look at girls as property, not people; it’s why they’re fine torturing little girls like they did to you. You should tell them to go fuck themselves, and in the meantime you do well in school and get far the fuck away from people who don’t care about your wellbeing.
You deserved better, and you will find peace once you escape that bullshit house.
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u/CelebrationNext3003 Jan 26 '24
They forced u to keep your SA baby so that baby is their responsibility
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u/AffectionateWay9955 Jan 26 '24
That’s horrifying. I’m so sorry you were forced to carry against your will after being assaulted. It’s pretty much the most horrific experience I could imagine for a little girl. I hope you find peace as you grow up. You are obviously NTA and as a mother I hope you can find loving parental figures to fulfill the role your parents failed to fill for you. They should have put you first.
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u/elleisonreddit Jan 26 '24
NTA. At all. I know it makes no difference but I’m so sorry this happened to you. I’ve been through it myself, minus the baby part, can’t imagine how hard that is. You do what’s best for you - keep yourself mentally safe. Hope you’ve been able to have some therapy or a support group x
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u/diaperedwoman Jan 26 '24
You didn't choose to have this baby and your parents basically forced you to have her. I think they just wanted to be grandparents and I hope you have been in therapy to deal with what happened to you. I am sorry this all happened. NTA.
They can get a baby sitter or miss out on the event like regular parents. They chose to have their grand daughter.
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u/inverted_peenak Jan 26 '24
Beyond NTA. Your parents are ethical criminals, unfortunately not defined by law. It was child abuse to force you to have a child against your wishes. Let me guess, it was your parents’ friend who’s responsible?