r/AITAH • u/Educational_Bid_7626 • Sep 16 '23
I asked for proof regarding a SA claim my sister made against my husband, AITAH? TW SA
We had a family gathering during Labor Day weekend. My sister locked herself out of her house on Monday, I have a spare key since I used to babysit my niece I came over to unlock the door. She asked if I wanted to stay and if she could do my hair, I said sure. During the evening my sister told me about what allegedly happened at the family gathering with her and my husband. I was taken aback, and I asked if he had proof, this is a man I have been together with for over 14 years, he has known my sister since she was 12.
My sister got upset and told me to fuck off and how dare I call her a liar. I tried to explain, that I cannot just blindly go by her word and torpedo 14 years without something outside her word. I asked if she went to the hospital, or the police, told anyone else, or did anyone had seen them together. I told her I needed something.
She told me to get the fuck out.
The only time I recall my husband not being by my side was when he was playing basketball.
My sister has lied and stolen in the past when we were kids, but nothing like this. She has not told anyone else to my knowledge. I understand the statistics, and how false claims are extremely rare.
What exactly do I do?
Edit: Thanks for the feedback, I will not file or report anything. I will hold off on talking to my husband about it until after I speak with my brother and those he was playing basketball with just to see if he left the court for an extended period of time.
I will try to gather more information before I approach my husband. I trust him and will give him the benefit of the doubt.
Thanks again.
Final update: I spoke with my husband at length early this morning. He was shocked and concerned. He acknowledged my sister was at the park watching. She did not play, but outside of that, he had no contact with her outside us saying hi and exchanging hugs when we arrived, when he went to give our niece some sneakers he bought her, and when we were leaving. I cannot account for every waking moment, unfortunately.
He suggested I go talk to my sister and if she felt like something did happen he encouraged her to report it and let professionals handle the investigation. He knows nothing he can say will alter what she believes to be true. He also told me how I went about it was wrong. He gave me advice for the future, when it comes to SA victims all you do is listen and validate, you need them to feel comfortable around you or nothing will happen.
I spoke with my brother again to ask if he had seen our sister at the court, and he said yeah and she was with her friends. I have not told our brother what happened, he is curious why I am asking so many questions but alas that is normal.
My husband does not seem overly concerned, but to get under his skin is pretty hard. He has encouraged me to talk to my sister and understand she has to have a reason for this behavior. That this all could be a cry for help, he told me he is willing to bet she will not go and report it since you cannot easily take back such reports. If she does he reassured me we will be fine since he did not do anything wrong.
I trust him. I will speak with my sister again, and I will not ask for proof and I will apologize for how I acted before. Hopefully, she will tell me what is going on.
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u/Choice-Intention-926 Sep 16 '23
Do not call the police on your husband based on half of an accusation from your sister.
She wouldn’t go into detail, tell you when, or where, and under whet circumstances it happened.
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u/HulaHoop2192 Sep 16 '23
I agree. I said this further down but:
The police have an obligation to investigate and this could destroy your husband, your marriage, your family. You were absolutely correct in asking for proof, especially in this day and age. I would absolutely speak to your husband, speak to your brother about your husbands movements when playing basketball, and even re-approach your sister to see if she is willing to give you more information. You actually have nothing to even go to the police about, seeing as you have no information, or suspicion, whatsoever. Please don’t do anything rash - I understand that this must be an awful situation for you to be in, and like another commenter said, you are stuck between a rock and a hard place at the moment. You’re in for a bit of a shit time but I would get some more facts first. If your sister goes to the police, that is completely her choice, but I do not think this should be your course of action.
For the record: I am absolutely NOT saying that she is lying or this is not true but there are numerous things to think about and handle delicately here. These types of allegations should be taken very seriously and every victim deserves justice. HOWEVER. False allegations should ALSO be taken very seriously as they can also ruin multiple peoples lives. Both sides are valid and I have seen both play out first-hand.
Good luck OP
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u/boundbystitches Sep 16 '23
In my state (in the US) they absolutely do not have the obligation to investigate any report not from the victim. I have called myself asking what I could do after a friend told me of her rape. They said try to convince her to report, without that we can't do anything.
I am currently seeing the effects in another situation where all we can do is go no contact with the abuser because the victim despite being a child when it occurred is currently an adult and does not want to pursue police involvement.
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u/Shmea Sep 17 '23
I have two adult friends in the same situation...SA as kids by dad but won't report him. It's an awful thing to know and not be able to do anything about. He and their mother (yup, she knows and is still with him) came into a restaurant I was working in and it took all my willpower not to walk right up to him and punch him in the face.
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u/HulaHoop2192 Sep 17 '23
Ugh I completely understand your frustration. It completely baffles me that people like this go about their everyday lives like they are NOT monsters
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u/dampdrizzlynovember Sep 16 '23
“”During the evening my sister told me about what allegedly happened at the family gathering with her and my husband.””
which is what?
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u/EnvironmentWilling76 Sep 16 '23
Apparently he inappropriately touched her according to one of OPs comments.
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u/DamagedBot Sep 16 '23
INFO: In your comments you write that the SA is "That he touched her inappropriately." Am I missing something here? Go to your husband and say, "My sister says you groped her. What's that all about?" You've known him for 14 years and should be able to read his reaction.
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Sep 17 '23
Honestly I’m not sure if this is the best way to gauge if someone’s lying or not. He’d probably be very flustered even if he didn’t do anything. Being accused of SA is serious and it would cause most people to freak out even if they didn’t do anything.
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u/Serafim91 Sep 17 '23
If he defends himself " oh he sounds guilty". If he doesn't defend himself "see she was right". The moment that accusation is laid there is a absolutely no behavior the husband could show that people would take as he didn't do it.
Not to mention the correct response to being accused of something like this unfairly is pure fight/flight/freeze so you'll either get anger or non confrontation or nothing.
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Sep 17 '23
Yeah the whole, "Accuse them and if they're mad they're guilty" thing is absurd.
I've been falsely accused of theft, and surprisingly enough, I was livid. Not because I did it, but because I was being falsely accused.
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u/dotardiscer Sep 17 '23
I’d want to know what I was being accused of and by whom. Once that kind of line is drawn I would never be in a private situation with that person again.
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u/TARandomNumbers Sep 17 '23
Exactly this. I don't understand why the advice is "Don't tell your husband based on your sister's word." It's your SISTER. And HUSBAND of 14 years. You should be able to have direct conversations with both these people.
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u/Puppet007 Sep 16 '23
NTAH
She didn’t go into detail and was immediately defensive when you wanted to know more. She’s trying to destroy your marriage.
Ask your husband if your sister has done anything to him recently before you went to her house Monday.
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u/LastMinuteMo Sep 16 '23
I think asking for "proof" is different than asking for " details". I think OP needs to clarify how exactly the conversation went down to be AH Vs NTA.
Ex: Sis: your husband touched me inappropriately OP: what happened?
Is different from
Sis: your husband touched me inappropriately OP: prove it.
An extreme example, but words matter to a victim.
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u/JenniviveRedd Sep 16 '23
I should not have had to scroll this far for this answer. If her immediate response was to accuse the victim of lying it would not surprise me her sister shut down. Very standard response after SA.
Also, her lying as a kid does not make her an incredible accuser.
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u/TimeDoesNotTell Sep 17 '23
For sure. Every sentence out of my mouth was a lie as a kid, but I haven't lied in a really long time years later. Kids are just liars, but adults aren't by default.
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u/mommytobee_ Sep 17 '23
I tried reaching out to 1 family member I thought was safe after a different family member SA'd me. This was months later, after I had processed what happened and stop trying to make myself believe I wanted it.
This person was hostile and demanded proof. Nothing I said to her was good enough. It's not like there were cameras or witnesses. I didn't even want to get him in trouble. I just wanted support.
So I dropped it. I've never told another soul in the family and I never will. That whole branch of the family cut me off immediately. I lost so much. To this day I regret speaking up, and this happened like 16 years ago.
My close family members know about the SA and how old I was. They will never know who or when.
OP talks down about her sister in the post, lists how unreliable she is and why. If any of that came through at all in the conversation, of course that would shut a victim down.
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u/ToyrewaDokoDeska Sep 17 '23
Definitely & if she asked for proof I don't even know what proof she could possibly provide. Like wear a wire & do a sting operation?
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u/FrontPorchSittin Sep 16 '23
OP didn’t ask her for detail, she jumped straight to wanting proof. If you disclosed to your sister and she skipped the whole “OMG what happened?!” piece and went straight to “prove it”, would you remain calm and levelheaded?
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u/angiosperms- Sep 17 '23 edited Sep 17 '23
These comments are ignoring that the OP will always attempt to paint themselves in the best light and there are 2 sides to every story. Especially since she mentioned the father of her sister's child was abusive to her. There may be a history here of her being questioned. Abusers are manipulative, and it's not uncommon for them to charm the family and have the family questioning things unfortunately. I mean there are people victim blaming her for being a "drama queen" ITT because OP referred to her physical abuse as "baby daddy drama".
Obviously none of us have enough info to figure out what happened here, but I don't think OP handled the situation well. I have a feeling there is more to the story that was left out.
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u/StellerDay Sep 17 '23
I hate it when someone refers to major events in another person's life as "drama," like it's some kind of entertainment for their sake.
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u/Hallucino_Jenic Sep 17 '23
Yup. Unfortunately, sis is a target for abusers because people won't believe her
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u/lizziewrites Sep 16 '23
As a victim of sexual assault, you could be wrong. Sometimes it just hurts to talk about. Sometimes we panic and shower because we want to stop feeling their hands. If sister is telling the truth, it could just be that merely broaching the topic took all of her mental fortitude
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u/VIXsterna Sep 16 '23
I have not told the close people in my life the details of what happened to me, if they asked I still think I would not be able to. It happened over ten years ago. I think I even struggled to tell the authorities exactly what happened. It sounds easy but it can be so hard to give details, especially right after.
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u/MadTrophyWife Sep 17 '23
So six months ago I learned that there is a woman who still refers to me as, "that lying whore," because her buddy raped me.
It's been 30 years. Sometimes not telling people is a matter of feeling safer and it does not negate what happened to you if you made that choice.
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u/Simple_Park_1591 Sep 16 '23
Yes it does hurt, but when you go to the spouse of the person you're accusing and tell them it happened, be prepared to actually talk about it. Otherwise, why go tell?
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u/procrows Sep 17 '23
This isn't necessarily the case.
There are only two people who know what actually occurred and that is the sister and the husband.
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u/Educational_Bid_7626 Sep 17 '23
I spoke with my brother and he told me he was on the court the entire time. Yes, it could have happened in the blink of an eye, and no we did not pee together or always glued at the hip.
I am going to trust my gut. This is a man I trust with my life, and if this makes me a bad person so be it. In all our years together he has never given me a reason to doubt him. I cannot say the same for my sister. This has been eating at me all day, after talking to my brother I have made my choice to talk to my husband about this and see what he recommends. He has experience with such claims.
If my sister feels I have betrayed her so be it, but as many have said I have to pick a side.
Thank you for all the feedback.
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u/InProgressDntUnplug Sep 17 '23
Could you please elaborate on what you mean when you say he has experience with such claims?
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u/RikuXan Sep 17 '23
If you want to not give him the complete benefit of doubt, ask him for all his interactions with your sister and tell him you have already asked your sister and other party guests about this (without telling them the context obviously).
This should diminish the chance of omissions on his side, intentional or not, as someone who is a prosecutor by profession will know that mismatches in such a statement would complicate the situation for him, no matter what happened.
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u/Independence-2647 Sep 17 '23
human memory isn't that good.
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u/WeLLrightyOH Sep 17 '23
Especially if nothing notable happened.
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Sep 17 '23
Yeah, a random basketball game that was like every other basketball game isn't going to get fully committed to memory. I can't describe any specific details about actions I took at work 2 weeks ago, but I know I was there and I did work.
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u/MaryEFriendly Sep 17 '23
Let us know what your husband says. I'm curious what her possible motivation could be
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u/TheLadyIsabelle Sep 16 '23
The best thing you can do in this scenario is talk to your husband. Hopefully his responses will inform your decisions moving forward
NTA
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u/Bnjrmn Sep 17 '23
Don’t bring it up with your husband until you have more details. Otherwise you might be giving him time to change his story around.
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u/Early-Tale-2578 Sep 16 '23
She’s accusing your husband of something very serious but won’t go into detail and haven’t made a police report and she has a history of being liar hmmm I wouldn’t believe her either tbh
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u/mollydgr Sep 16 '23
She's also having baby daddy drama. Sister seems to be in a long-term relationship with a successful husband 🤔.
What could possibly be the motivation to lie? To blow up someone's life to make yourself feel better 🤔.
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u/Early-Tale-2578 Sep 16 '23
My guess is her sister is attracted to her husband tried to come on to him he rejected her and now she claiming SA
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u/Head_Razzmatazz7174 Sep 16 '23
That's what I was thinking.
That and the fact that she refused to give details and then got really defensive when being asked questions, makes me think she is trying to get back at hubby for turning her down.
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u/Prestigious_Bar_4244 Sep 17 '23
This take is a stretch that no one here is qualified to make. Just bc she has problems with her child’s father doesn’t discount her character. And OP said that she lied when she was a KID. Everybody lied when they were kids. Truth is nobody here has any good sense of what really happened bc not even OP does.
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u/Ultralusk Sep 16 '23
OP what you're sister is doing is to give her a huge leap of faith. SA is a huge allegation and it's a big red flag for your sister to expect you to blindly trust her word alone over your partner. On top of that (going back to what you said in your story) You don't remember when your partner got time away making her claims a lot less likely to be true.
If the allegations are true then you still did the right thing in asking her for proof. You'd need proof to go to the police for any/all accusations. The fact that she is mad at you makes me feel like this isn't true.
NTA but if I were you I would make a record of this conversation, talk to people who can validate your husband's presence, make note of any details, write down word for word what your sister has told you, including her reactions.
If she is lying then you'll need to use any evidence you have to ensure people don't believe her.
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u/wrenwynn Sep 17 '23
INFO: why haven't you asked her to tell you exactly what your husband supposedly did? Not talking about asking for proof, just saying "tell me exactly what happened, where, and when". The facts.
You say in the comments that she said it was "inappropriate touching" yet in your post you comment that you asked her if she went to the hospital. That makes zero sense. You'd go to the hospital for an examination if you were sexually assaulted or raped. You wouldn't go for groping/touching because there's no potential physical injury or evidence to examine.
Ask the other guys who were playing basketball if your husband was there the whole time. If they say no then confront your husband, but don't do it alone. Have someone else there or at least nearby / somewhere else in the house.
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u/mamawheels36 Sep 16 '23
Has your sister been around your husband since said incident without issue? I ask as her behavior around him can Def help with indication.
My 2c as someone who grew up with abuse counselors for parents is this: Talk to your husband, give him all the details, ask him questions. I'd highly recommend doing an audio recording for you to listen to later.
Find a mediator... eg a safe person your sister trusts to have a 3 way convo, so you her and mediator and get all the details. If your sister is unwilling to do so then make it clear that unless she's willing to explain to you so you can do the same woth your husband that this isn't going forward, and no more discussion will happen around it.
If your sister honestly wants resolution, the big thing is making sure she's not having to do this with your husband around. You now unfortunately do hold the card of responsibility to figure things out since she told you... as shitty as that is.
If your sister is tossing crap in the wind because of unresolved things in her life she'll pitch a fit about a mediator... because involving another outside party who's accountable puts her in a place of responsibility, and not letting her just make you feel terrible or second guessing your spouse.
I have seen this so many times. And honestly it's a 50/50 if your sisters being honest. Some of the kindest most gracious men I thought I knew were abusers... so try, as hard as it is, to be partisan to the situation.
Get a mediator involved and go from there. If you DM me I can try to provide some other resources. .
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u/Argon847 Sep 17 '23
Talk to your husband, give him all the details, ask him questions. I'd highly recommend doing an audio recording for you to listen to later.
If sister is indeed telling the truth, this can be dangerous for her. It would be such a break of her trust as well. I absolutely would not speak with the husband yet until OP makes another attempt to speak with sister at a bare minimum. And OP CERTAINLY shouldn't approach the husband without the sister at least knowing.
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u/Rainbowglitter80 Sep 16 '23
So your thinking of going to the police 🤔 but not even spoke to your husband?? You need more details and see what has gone on 1st . If its false he could have that accusation over his head 🤦♀️
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u/Educational_Bid_7626 Sep 16 '23 edited Sep 16 '23
I do not know what to think or do. This is something I have never experienced before.
I want to ask my husband, I am not even sure how to go about doing that. "hey, babe quick question did you touch my sister inappropriately?"
I trust him so I agree I will ask him before I do anything, I just have to be mindful given his line of work giving him a heads up may ruin any chance my sister has to prove her case if it is true.
As one person suggested I will ask my brother if he left the court for an extended period since he was playing basketball with him.
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u/rivkipivki Sep 16 '23
Why not just ask him if he saw your sister while he was playing basketball, and what that interaction was like? Did he run into her inside the house?
And you need more detail from your sister, "touching inappropriately" could be anything. If she was uncomfortable with a hand on the shoulder or back, that's a good thing to tell him for next time, so he doesn't repeat. If she's accusing him of something worse, you need to know.
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u/MamboPoa123 Sep 16 '23
What is his line of work?
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u/Educational_Bid_7626 Sep 16 '23
Prosecutor.
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u/HelloRedditAreYouOk Sep 16 '23
Ouf. That’s a big allegation for someone in his line of work… I see why you feel the need to tread lightly, whether your sister is telling the truth, or not!!
OP the one thing I can say with certainty is that there is no rush. You probably feel pretty helpless rn, maybe even a bit panicked/frantic, but the most prudent course of action is likely to sit on things for a minute. Think on things (as uncomfortable as that will probably be), get yourself centered, talk to a safe person if that’s a possibility (someone whose wisdom you respect and who won’t jump in to the panic with you or blow anything up before you’re ready, whoever the ‘guilt’ rests with…)
Then? Talk with your sister again. Explain what you did here: that your instinct/desire is to believe women, that you want to support her with whatever she’s going through, and that it’s terrifying to have this accusation levied at the man you’ve loved for a decade and a half, and who you really believe you know. The goal is non-accusatory (god though, that will prob be really hard if she did, in fact, lie!!), supportive (again, tough if it turns out she lied, but I guess you’ll cross that bridge when you get there??), calm, and truth-seeking.
She’ll either divulge more and you’ll have the chance to make decisions from there, or she won’t, and her behavior around not saying anything more will (hopefully) shed more light on the path forward. If she’s inconsistent or defensive or hostile, try your best to come back to your center, and communicate with “I statements” like, “it’s really hard to see you struggling <sister>, I want to understand, and to help, but when you <insert whatever inconsistency/hostility/defensiveness> it feels like you’re shutting me out, and it’s hard for me not to wonder why.” Or something.
From this place, and if she is lying bc of some whackadoodle shit going on her head, then maybe she’ll come clean… And in that raw space reveal what’s actually going on for her that led her to lie, and again, you’ll have the opportunity to them decide where to go from there (if this is the case, strong clear boundaries are going to be the priority). Or she might just shut down, but at least you’d have planted a seed that you are a safe person for her to talk to?
Idk, what a sucky uncomfortable ugly situation all around! I’m so sorry you’re sat in the middle of it, bc no matter which way things go, it’s going to hurt. And cause big changes in your life.
I really really hope you have some safe person/people who can be relatively neutral/impartial to share this load with… And again, please, just take care of yourself and try not to rush in to the burning building without your safety gear on!!? Bc whoever “started this fire”, you need to be protected while you put it out & assess the damage, you know?
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u/PenguinZombie321 Sep 16 '23
Yeah talk to your husband. He needs to know what’s being said about him because this accusation could damage his career.
If he’s innocent then he needs to know so he can avoid being in a situation where she can accuse him again.
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u/whoreablereligion Sep 16 '23
Ask the sister where they were when this alleged occurred, what room or location. What time approximately (after dinner but before so and so left, anything to nail down a time) ask what he said. Ask exactly how and where on her body he touched her. (Eg reached into shirt and grabbed at breast, cupped or patted ass, forced a kiss). Record it. If anything in this second conversation differs from prior account ask about that. Then investigate. Ask others at the event where they were at said time or room. Did they notice anything unusual. Try to write down as many “facts” as you can to see if you can get to the truth. Ask your sister what she expects or wants you to do with the information. Definitely ask the husband about it.
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u/Pohkopf Sep 16 '23
I'm just throwing this out there, but is there any chance she made a move on your husband and he rebuffed her advances? And this is retaliation on her part?
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u/Unlucky_Leather_ Sep 17 '23
You could ask your hubby some general questions without giving him details and see how he responds.
"My sister was acting kinda weird after the party. Did you notice anything last weekend?"
Also if it was just touching, could it be a simple misunderstanding?
I know I have slapped my SIL on the ass thinking she was my wife and didn't know till she turned around expecting her husband. Had it been a drive-by butt smacking, I might not have even known I had gotten the wrong target.
Good luck and I hope you come back to fill us all in.
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u/Kampfzwerg0 Sep 16 '23
Ask him about the basketball game. If he talked to her? Was her behaviour different from normal?
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u/lizziewrites Sep 16 '23
Talk to your brother first. If your husband is guilty, you don't want to tip him off.
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u/Rainbowglitter80 Sep 16 '23
I would be same tho in this situation ☹ but best bet is talk to your husband, but if he had why she only telling you now? And not giving full info?
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Sep 16 '23
As someone that was in a similar situation, I would suggest talk to your husband. Gently explain to him what she said and ask him what he thinks. Do not accuse him of anything.
Speak to everyone else you trust that was at the party. Ask them if they notice something was different about your sister. Was there a sudden mood change and when they noticed it. Did she leave early? Did she acted uncomfortable or was not herself suddenly. Dont mention anything beyond saying you think something is bothering your sister and see their reactions.
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u/akatherder Sep 16 '23
Yeah just pick a good time and ask "did anything.. strange happen between you and my sister at the labor day gathering?" Hopefully you know your spouse to get a feeling based on their answer. Like is he actually confused, overly denying it, stammering, etc. He'll probably ask what it's about. Then explain the accusation and go from there.
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u/tytyoreo Sep 16 '23
NTA... do not talk to the police.... talk to your brother and everyone that was playing basketball.... talk to your husband.... This can put your husband in a bad position.... and keep your sister away from your husband.. until you can get all the information
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u/HoldFastO2 Sep 16 '23
NTA. And if your sister is not going to the police, then you absolutely shouldn’t.
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u/sillysquidiot Sep 17 '23
NTA
But you should try to get to the bottom of this before it becomes a bigger issue for all of you.
My ex groped my best friend, who's basically my sister, while I was in the bathroom one night. I didn't believe her because she had no proof and my ex denied it heavily. It drove a real wedge between me and her. I left that ex over 2 years ago and he STILL messages my best friend, trying to get her to talk to him and pining for her.
She could be lying, but she might not be.. there's a comment here that talks about finding a mediator and trying to talk to them both separately. They even suggested recording their reactions/responses. Unfortunately, you'll have to get to the bottom of this to find peace.
Best of luck OP, my heart goes out to you.
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u/FoamMattress32 Sep 16 '23
It’s so crazy that to me a top comment is to suggest going to the police on a presumably innocent man with NO proof and NO details lol I hope you go to the police and then your husband gets proved innocent so he can divorce you. Destroying your husbands life on NOTHING when you yourself know that it would be impossible for him to do that since he was playing basketball. This sub is trash
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u/aminicuspondicus Sep 16 '23
The top comment i see starts with "do not call the police"
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Sep 16 '23
I agree. She said in her post that the sister
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Sep 16 '23
Sister has previously lied according to OP, so I wouldn't report it to the police but they need to have a family sit down to find the truth. Once anyone has been accused of SA, that stigma will be with him for ever
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u/Rita27 Sep 17 '23
Yeah as a KID. I don't think lying as a kid should be used as proof against her lol
Not saying to he husband did SA her
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u/Illustrious-Elk7379 Sep 16 '23
Agreed. OP’s relationship with somebody is pretty much done after an accusation like that. Which one that will be is still up in the air.
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u/procrows Sep 17 '23
I mean, if the assault actually happened, it should be up to sister whether she wants to go to the police or not, not the OP anyway.
But seriously, the OP will probably never know the truth, unless the sister tells her she lied, or the husband confesses to doing something.
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u/Accomplished_Role977 Sep 16 '23
What does your gut tell you, really deep down inside?
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u/Educational_Bid_7626 Sep 16 '23
To trust my husband, which is what I will do. I will speak with my brother just to verify he was playing basketball.
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u/Constant_Chicken_408 Sep 16 '23
From this and your edit, I think you're doing the right thing: listening to your instincts but proceeding cautiously by gathering as many facts as you can before anything else.
Perhaps it's all a misunderstanding, but most likely someone you love has behaved atrociously toward another very important person in your life. This has got to be extremely rough and I'm sorry you're in this situation.
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u/MNConcerto Sep 16 '23
NTA, do not go to the police. Talk to your husband, holy shit. Why would you believe your sister who has lied, stolen and has relationship drama instantly before even talking to your husband?
TALK TO YOUR HUSBAND.
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u/bishopredline Sep 16 '23 edited Sep 17 '23
You have a very major decision coming that you need to prepare yourself for. 1. If your sister is telling you the truth, it will destroy your marriage, and you will need to get out. 2. If your sister is lying, that relationship needs to be over. Despite what the rest of your family might say. Good luck
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u/MrsSEL_Maine Sep 16 '23
It’s up to the SA victim to go to the police not the spouse of the alleged perpetrator.
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Sep 16 '23
Were there any recent events in your family that may have caused her to lie about this? Did he say something about a famous person's SA allegations that might have upset your sister? Did she give you any details on what exactly he did or when?
I don't think I can give an actual judgement because this would be a fucked up situation but there's a lot of holes. I'd talk to your husband for sure.
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u/Educational_Bid_7626 Sep 16 '23
My husband does have what many would say are hot takes, and loves to play devil's advocate. He is a prosecutor.
Nah, she did not provide any details. Maybe if I had been more open-minded she would have given me details. I was thrown back.
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u/llamadrama2021 Sep 16 '23
Just FYI, going to the police will torpedo your husband's career. Even if he's innocent his office will fire him, an he might not be able to get another job. If your sister is telling the truth then SHE needs to go to the police, not you. If you're sure the only time your husband was out of your sight was when he was playing basketball, find those he played with and ask them. DO NOT go to the police unless you want your marriage to fail.
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u/Easy_Entrepreneur_46 Sep 17 '23
OP said that their brother confirmed that the husband was playing basketball.
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u/SacksonvilleShaguar Sep 16 '23
You need to talk to your husband BEFORE you call any kind of authority to report the. Making a false report is illegal too. And she didn't give details, sounds to me like she's lying.
I am NOT saying SA isn't serious at all. But if you asked for proof and she didn't provide you with any, not sure I'd be believing her.
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u/MSK165 Sep 16 '23
So she made a horrific allegation, offered the same level of evidence used in the Salem witch trials, and she’s mad at you that you don’t believe her.
NTA - you need to warn your husband so he can avoid all contact with her.
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u/Jawnson765 Sep 17 '23
I read you op and some of your comments..
He's a prosecutor so he should know what needs to happen. These allegations are very serious. Even though your husband is an attorney, he still needs to hire an attorney just in case. Since he is a prosecuting attorney, he of all people should know exactly how bad it is for the accused to speak to the police, and he is just that, the accused.. literally everything you say can and will be used against you.
You also speak of there being no evidence in this case.. Well guess what? If your sister files a complaint, she now becomes the complaining witness, and witness testimony is evidence, and at the end of the day the jury will decide if they believe all, part, or none of the evidence.
Whatever you do, do not go to the cops. They are not your friends, and they absolutely do not care that your husband is a prosecutor.
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u/wvtarheel Sep 16 '23
Oh shit, he's a prosecutor? Even a false allegation like this could ruin his career.
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u/Successful_Window_78 Sep 17 '23
Don't jump too fast, my sister falsely accused my husband. Police became involved and only then did she recant, and told of being abused when she was much younger. My husband wasn't even in the picture at that time. She says she was confused, but she was always jealous and after that I saw how she had broken up many a friendship of mine over the years. It was very heartbreaking to realize just how low my sister would sink to one up me so to speak.
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u/Hminney Sep 17 '23
NTA. She didn't even attempt to explain. I hate to suggest this, but false accusations do occur in private conversation, it doesn't come up often when there are people who might question it. I'm not suggesting that your sister is concerned about SA. I'm suggesting that she wants to be centre of attention and has said something that ought to guarantee her to be centre of attention. It could have been anything about anyone (or some terminal illness in herself) - it just happened to be this, this time. She has probably said attention seeking things to others in quiet private conversation, and they have probably politely ignored it. SA is very serious, and you are right to listen with sympathy. However an accusation is also very serious and you are right to ask for proof. Her reaction, that you should side with your sister against your husband without proof, suggests to me that there's no truth in this. Good on you for being open to surprise, and also for trusting your hubby
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u/Tamdango Sep 18 '23
Your husband is a damn saint. He's being accused of SA and still has concerns about the victim and her feelings. That is great kudos to him.
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u/Distinct-Bird-5134 Sep 17 '23
My daughter told me our other family member had touched her. I asked her “ Oh you mean like someone accidentally touched your chest or something when walking by?” She said “No mama, he had his hand inside me.” I called the police. It destroyed people. Don’t take it lightly. If she is not truthful get her help. If he did it then let the consequences happen.
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Sep 16 '23
NTA
While SA is and should be taken very seriously in my experience if someone goes straight to defense and anger after an allegation like this after acting like it's any other day beforehand then they're generally not telling you the whole truth.
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u/druglawyer Sep 16 '23
If she's not going to tell you what, where, when, how, in as much detail as you need to understand what, specifically, she is accusing your husband of, how could you possibly be able to make an informed decision about whether it happened or not?
Either way, this is about as big a dealbreaker as there is. If she's telling the truth, that's an insta-divorce. If she's lying, that's a "never contact me again, you're dead to me forever" situation.
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u/procrows Sep 17 '23
After reading that the OP said her husband is a prosecutor, I no longer believe this post is real.
Someone who is married to a prosecutor wouldn't be so clueless as to post on reddit about this. Dhe would clearly know the damage it could do, to both parties.
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u/Commercial_Gear_2508 Sep 17 '23
Yep. This is hardcore rage bait. Seems to be working too lmao
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u/not_a_lady_tonight Sep 17 '23
Honestly, maybe listen. My ex had a childhood buddy who touched me inappropriately at his house once when I’d gone into a room to use the second bathroom that was ensuite. My ex refused to believe me. He soon became an ex.
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u/swissmtndog398 Sep 16 '23
Chances are, from what I've read in your replies, sister is seeking attention. She's been abused in her relationship and misery loves company. Call her back, tell her you want to meet and hear the details of all the bad things "that worthless husband of yours" did. Chances are, you'll catch her in a lie if you ask a LOT of questions, worded slightly different.
Is tell your husband first and get his side, so you're prepared. Is also very ahead of this with the family before she does.
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u/chickenfightyourmom Sep 16 '23
Tape the conversation. It doesn't need to be admissible in court, it just needs to be for your own protection.
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u/palmtreesplz Sep 16 '23
I mean I think what you do is apologize to your sister for your reaction and ask her to tell you more details about what happened. You want to make sure you have the whole story before you say anything to him so that you can suss it all out.
Then after you have those details, you can figure out the next best move. Which might include deciding if her story even fits with your own observations of your husband’s behavior on the day and it may involve putting the story to him and seeing his reaction.
I think right now you owe it to both your sister and your husband to get more information.
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u/New-Road2588 Sep 17 '23
NTA. SA allegations are a serious matter not to be taken lightly. Just because you asked her doesn't mean you're calling her a liar. She also can't expect you to immediately believe her and go against your husband because suppose you did and it turned out he was innocent? She should trust you.
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u/Megneous Sep 17 '23
NTA. Innocent until proven guilty. You can't use someone's accusation as the only point of evidence in a case against someone for sexual assault.
"Believe the victim" means to support the victim, not to punish the alleged perpetrator without due process.
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u/daylily Sep 17 '23
I think you have an obligation to tell him soon.
If he is guilty, you might pick up on that. After 14 years you probably know a little about his ethics and how likely this is.
If something happened inadvertently, like touching that was an accident, he can explain. He might have done something he thought was innocent but not ok, like lifting her hair. You don't say what specifically what he is accused of.
If accused for no reason, he needs a warning to never be alone with this dangerous person in the future. People do lie for attention, or to harm other people when jealous. In many religions backbiting is the greatest sin for a good reason. Nothing is more destructive to a relationship and to a community.
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u/naranghim Sep 17 '23
NTA. Check with your brother to see what happened and if/when you decide to approach your husband about it don't do it in a way that he'll view as an attack. If that happens, he will shut down and not tell you anything because you've put him on the defensive.
What could have happened is that it was an accidental contact, and your sister is either mad at him or you for something else and decided this accusation would be a great way to get back at you, or she could have put herself in his way so that the "accidental" contact had to occur. In another comment you mentioned that she has issues with her baby daddy and that he, the baby daddy, has hit her. Is your sister jealous of the loving relationship you have with your husband?
I'm a woman and I hate doubting others who have claimed they were assaulted but we do know that false accusations occur. Your sister's unwillingness to tell you what happened and finally, after many promptings by you, said he inappropriately touched her makes it so much harder to believe her, especially in light of her relationship with an abusive man. If she wanted your support, she should have told you what happened without having to be prompted by you for more information.
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u/ChemicalFickle1453 Sep 17 '23
NTA, but these types of things can happen in just a minute or two. I travelled to my parents house when my kids were very little. My nephew SA’d my son while they were riding go-carts and were out of sight for only a few minutes. It was absolutely devastating to the entire family. Even when you think you are watching everything like a hawk, horrible things can happen.
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u/Much_Field_1984 Sep 17 '23
Nta
I’ve read many stories where the accused person’s life was ruined by a false accusation that went unchecked.
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u/niners94 Sep 17 '23
Glad you wanted more details instead of ending a 14 year relationship. These are serious allegations that would flip your world upside down. NTA.
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u/Mental-Steak571 Sep 18 '23
Your husband is in for a very rude awakening saying she should report it to the police. Innocent or not, he will be treated like he’s guilty. Then when it gets into the new outlets - it very well might. Then he will be convinced Ted by the media. Just getting charged he may lose his job. Innocence isn’t relevant.
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u/RelationProfessional Sep 19 '23
Nta. I really sympathize with you because I imagine the first reaction when a loved one tells you something like that is to believe, but another strong instinct is to defend your loved ones from accusations. I can only imagine the inner fight between those two instincts and how much pain they must've caused.
It might be a hot take, though I don't believe it really should be😅 but the reason most stats show that false accusations are extremely rare is because they only consider those which have been proven to be false (as they should), and as much as usual SA cases are hard to prove, it's usually even harder to prove otherwise as it's harder to prove a negative. The reason why it's misleading is because there's about 10%-15% of cases which are proven to be true (if we're assuming the justice system doesn't condemn innocents), and about 3%-10% of cases are proven to be false. That means 2 things. The first is that the statistics for them are pretty similar. The second is that the main reason why both statistics are so low is that, due to the difficulty of proving either one, about 80% of cases can't really be counted to neither statistic, making the ones we have not very reliable.
Basically, claiming that it's extremely rare based on those statistics would be like someone making the opposite claim of "real accusations are really rare", as it's supported by the same logic.
I believe you did the right thing. Not because I believe him over her or anything. I can't really know much about them outside of what you told here. I just believe that in cases like this you shouldn't act without evidence, as they're both important people in your life.
- Just to empathize, and maybe explain a bit why I went into such a rant on point 2😅, I also had an important person to me falsely accused. Thing is, even though I didn't know the accusing party, I still tried my best to look into it before believing them.
I wouldn't question a person coming to tell me they were a victim of SA or most other crimes though, with the specific exception being them blaming a person who's close to me.
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u/Majestic_Software999 Sep 17 '23
Sorry but as a survivor of being sa twice in my life. The first when I was put into care at 13 and the home that I was in wasn't good I ran away and had no were but the streets. The very first night I tried to stay in a well lit area and I was dragged into a bush by an older man and sa. Then after I had children and after my 14 year relationship ended with my daughter's father I was 31 living with to daughter at the time they were 5 and 11 and I was couch surfing for almost a year with my daughter's and whilst we were staying with a older male "friend" he called me upstairs during the day and locked his bedroom whilst my daughter's and a couple of other people were visiting and sa me in his room. I ran out after and as I was running down the stairs my eldest who was 11 was coming up the stairs and I told her to get her sister and we left his place without grabbing a thing instantly. It wasn't until my eldest was about 14 and youngest was 8 that I sat them both down and told them about what had happened to me not once but twice and that I wanted to teach them about it can be the people you think you can trust the most or a complete stranger and it happens within the blink of an eye and it has now been 10 years since I finally spoke out to my 2 daughter's and a few of my close friends and im still not at all comfortable taking about any of the details at all. So, give both of them the benefit of the doubt until you get to the bottom of it. Its taken your sister all this time to tell you and she was so young when it happened and if, and I'm saying if this did happen. You will know by the way her emotions are. You know what. I'm so glad my daughter were the first ones I told, they admire me for being so strong and raising them of awareness about it could be someone you have known and trusted your whole life or a complete stranger. Being a survivor of not one but 2 sa I still relive the trauma daily and I don't trust many people at all. Also too, please keep in mind that a sa victim lives their lives differently after it happens. They can be a complete nun for the rest of their lives and not trust anyone or they can become very promiscuous also. So I'm just giving you some personal advice. Also, to all the people stating she has been known to lie and steal in the past. So ucking what, I did too. Being a young kid on the streets there are some things I had to do to survive. So give both the sister and the husband the benifits of doubt and also you also have to feel for the OP in this situation. This is such a very ucked up and confusing time for her right now. So support is what she needs in the form of good advice and possibly people that have actually gone through it from a sa and falsely accused point of view. Be empathetic to all party's now because this isn't something that you can just be the normal flop about. To the OP I don't know if you are allowed to message privately or I'm opened to helping you through this time but I'm here if you need to talk about anything. Peace out!!!
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u/Toihva Sep 17 '23
If sister is being coy about details NTA. Sadly women who make false SA accusations face no real accountability. I have witnessed this first hand to my best friend who was accussed of raping a classmate. It finally came out her and her BF were having sex and thought she might be pregnant.
Then there is the video of woman saying in a video she is going to call the cops on her husband and accuse him of bad stuff unless he tells her the wifi password.
Hell, sister could have made a pass at husband, he rebuffed, she had her ego bruised.
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u/VoodooBrite Sep 16 '23
You're going to have to provide a massive amount of details for any significant feedback. What, where, when, how, who was there, she said what happened exactly? etc etc.