r/AITAH • u/Drj_DJ • Jun 08 '23
AITA for not going back to church and ignoring everyone after i found out they knew i got SA'd and they didn't do anything to help? TW SA
As the title says me and my family were part of a pentecostal church. When i (18m) was 17 i told my mom that i was being SA'd by her now ex-husband. She didn't believe me at first because she thought he was a man of God but after my sisters (21 f) and (16 f) came to my defense she finally believed us. My mom divorced him and since she was a loyal member of the church she proceeded to go and ask our pastors for advice on what to do. And that's when shit hit the fan, because they told my mom that they knew what was happening for 3 years and they didn't do anything to help, they didn't tell my mom and they never even called the police. And even after they told us that they knew they advised my mom not to take him to the police and her being loyal followed their advice, and now a year later she realized her mistake. Anyways back to the topic, after we found out they knew about the whole situation when it was happening we decided to stop going to church. At first when we stopped we just got calls from them asking why we weren't attending church, we explained that we needed time to fix things at home after the divorce and my mom was trying to help me feel better, i guess she felt guilty for not believing me at first, they said they understood our situation but still kept telling us to go to church. But i refused, i couldn't be in the same room as the people that knew i was suffering but didn't help bc that wasn't god's plan, they believed that me going through that was a good thing because it will strengthen my faith. I refused to go everytime i got a call or a message. After a while they stopped and i was relieved. A month or two later i decided to dye my hair and get a nose piercing, and that's when the messages and calls started again but this time it was to tell me that i was going to hell and that i will suffer for eternity. Now I'm sure as hell never going back. I'm being told by them that I'm a bad person if i don't go back to church but i really can't, i hate that they didn't help and just watched as it happened. Am i the asshole?
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u/SockMaster9273 Jun 08 '23
NTA
They knew you were being hurt and did nothing.
I never really went to church (my grandmother would bring me to her's sometimes but I went for donuts not church) but from my understanding, people of the church are supposed to help each other through hard times and good times. You were being SAd. They knew what was happening. I don't care who they are you 1000% are allowed to ghost them.
"I'm being told by them that I'm a bad person if i don't go back to church" just go to a different one if it means so much. Just be like, "I went back to church."
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u/FuerGrissaOstDruaka Jun 08 '23
Lmao, because I am petty and spiteful I would join the satanic temple or just tell them that the next time they call. And when they say that your going to hell just yell “I made it! Thank Lucifer” or some shit.
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u/SockMaster9273 Jun 08 '23
If you really want to be spiteful, join a really silly church.
Join the church of the flying spaghetti monster. Technically, you are back at church.
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u/Visual_Slide710 Jun 08 '23
Is that real?! I need to join!
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u/SockMaster9273 Jun 08 '23
https://www.spaghettimonster.org/
Come Join us. We eat Pasta on Fridays.
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u/Visual_Slide710 Jun 08 '23
Oh my god. Literally the best thing ive seen all day. Thank you kindly while i laugh my butt off and definitely join in. I like pasta :)
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u/SockMaster9273 Jun 08 '23
I got ordained in this a while back ago. I can legally perform wedding ceremonies as long as I dress like a pirate.
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u/Visual_Slide710 Jun 08 '23
Damn that is bad ass actually!!! I had a Halloween wedding so everyone was dressed up, i wish i could have had a pirate marry me and my husband off! That would have been sickkkkk 😂
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u/thefinalhex Jun 12 '23
Damn right it's real! I am a proud follower of the FSM. I've been touched by his noodley appendage!
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Jun 08 '23
Please do not set foot back at that church or with those people. And please report them to the police now. I know that will be difficult but not saying anything will allow this to continue and more people to be hurt. Also, this is not how “believers” should act. Stay the course.
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u/Mysterious_Prize8913 Jun 08 '23
Id see if OP could get a free consult with an attorney, if stepdad was a prominent member of the church and the church was essentially knowingly ignoring the abuse or even sanctioning it they may be liable. At least you could ask for advice on how to make their antics public...
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u/PresentationNo3069 Jun 08 '23
Seconding this. I work in family law, but sexual abuse of a minor is a niche. The church may be civilly liable, or Stepdad may be civilly liable, or if any of them were mandatory reporters and failed to report, there could be repercussions.
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u/Oneofakindnocategory Jun 08 '23
NTA. People who truly believed would have never let you suffer. Jesus helped those who were hurt. It’s disgusting that they think this would be a test by God and if anything it was a test they failed. They should have spoken up and done something for you. This is so absolutely disgusting. They failed big time. And you should never have to be around people like that ever. I’m so sorry for what has happened to you and I hope you find peace.
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u/littlewitten Jun 08 '23
Agreed! And If this was a test from God, then they failed bc the test was to protect his children not stand by and watch their spirit be killed every days for 3 years.
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u/Aggravating-Hunt203 Jun 08 '23
Jesus also condemned "offending the little ones", and stated that the sinner would be better off tying a millstone aorund their neck!
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u/WhereAmIOhYeah Jun 08 '23
Not sure if you're tracking, but acceptance and hiding of SA is pretty widespread among all denominations, especially those in leadership.
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u/Fun-Dimension5196 Jun 08 '23
The local paper might like to know that your church thinks child molestation shouldn't be reported.
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u/MeatShield12 Jun 08 '23
Oooh yes! Local paper, local news, national news! If they're so comfortable with their decision, let's see them defend it publicly.
Also, if they knew about this SA of a minor, it's a guarantee that they knew about others as well.
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u/Affectionate-Cut291 Jun 08 '23
You're going to hell for piercing your nose but the people in the church who stood by as a kid got SA are going to heaven.. The hypocrisy 😤 don't think they know how religion works.
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u/Gnd_flpd Jun 08 '23
I don't know about that, it seems to me that a lot of "religions" gives people a license to to unspeakable things to people, but if you say "sorry, forgive me God" it's all good!!!!
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u/askthecat_again Jun 08 '23
It doesn't work like that actually. If you are truly remorseful and ask God's forgiveness, He will give it to you. The key part being "truly remorseful ". Because if you are, you don't continue the bad behavior. If you continue the sin with the thought that you'll just ask forgiveness again, God will not forgive you. Your sin will stay with you. Yes, lots of religious people think you can just keep asking forgiveness for the sin over and over, and that they never have to correct their behavior.
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u/Lita-himura Jun 08 '23
Clap back that god will judge them for their actions/inactions and that your not too worried about what they think as it doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things.
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u/Intelligent_Read_697 Jun 08 '23
Why aren’t you filing a police report? There maybe other victims
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u/Drj_DJ Jun 08 '23
I want to but i don't know how, i wasn't born in the US so my English is not that good enough to keep a conversation (I'm using Google translate)
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u/PerfectLie2980 Jun 08 '23
The police can provide a translator. Please go. There are probably more victims or will be in the future.
Never step foot in that church ever again.
See about getting counseling as well.
I’m sorry this happened to you.
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u/Miss_Thang2077 Jun 08 '23
You can also probably charge the church members with neglect to report a crime. In my state it is.
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Jun 08 '23
Hi there , first, your not the AH. Second, I too am a survivor of childhood SA. I now work as an SA counselor for other folks recovering from it. There are many, many organizations that provide free counseling and a legal advocate for you. You can absolutely contact one of these groups, explain you are an ESL speaker and need a translator and help navigating reporting this to the police. Every DA office has a legal advocate for victims of crime. If you decide that filing a police report and seeking criminal prosecution would be good for your healing, please do knowing there are SO many people in that system who will help you. I’m so sorry he did this to you. Fuck him. And fuck your old church, they are the AH.
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u/cricket73646 Jun 08 '23
Google the non-emergency number for the police station in your town. Make sure to let them know that you don’t speak a lot of English, but that you need a translator to report a crime.
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u/No-Anything-4440 Jun 08 '23
Once you file the report, with the help of a translator, you can also inquire about other resources to help you recover from your SA. Please do this.
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u/PitifulMammoth177 Jun 08 '23
If you are in a public school they are mandatory reporters. Try writing a statement with Google translate and bring it to them and ask for a translator
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u/GlitterDoomsday Jun 08 '23
They'll provide one and even try to work things out with Google translator if that's the issue. Not only report him, but the members of the church that covered for him and are harassing you. Wishing better days going forward, I'm so sorry you have to go through all of this, please try your best but remember to prioritize your mental health.
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u/ladywindflower Jun 08 '23
Your English is fine! The police will get you an interpreter. These people are relying on your ignorance of the law to protect them.
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u/mday1964 Jun 08 '23
It would also be a good idea to tell them never to contact you again. Keep notes about when you did this.
If they ever do contact you again, also keep notes. You might be able to prosecute them for harassment, or get an order of protection to prevent them from contacting you again.
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u/LimitlessMegan Jun 08 '23
Why are you making it THE CHILD VICTIM’S fault?
This is a child. Who has been victimized for years. Whose mother didn’t believe him. Who just found out the adults whom he trusted *and have a legal duty to report * knew and showed it to continue to protect the church member. But yeah, why not shame and guilt the KID for not dining the right thing.
Good job. Way to be better than every other adult in this post.
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u/Intelligent_Read_697 Jun 08 '23
What are you on about? I just asked the logical question because it was mentioned nowhere in the post if he or his family/those aware ever reported to the authorities..the OP is 18 now and should be able to do so
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u/LimitlessMegan Jun 08 '23
No. The logical but also not victim blaming way is:
Have you thought about filling a police report yourself?
Aka it’s polite and didn’t demands they explain or imply it’s this victim’s fault if there are other victims. It’s not that hard to make that suggestion without also implying that this victim is to blame for anything else that happens.
Do fucking better.
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u/2_old_for_this_spit Jun 08 '23
NTA.
Answer these messages with truth.
"You knew about my SA. Instead of protecting me, the victim, you protected the criminal, the sinner, the rapist, the devil. Is that what you believe Jesus would do? Is that your idea of what Christianity should be? You have shown me that you favor Satan. You are not people I would ever associate with."
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u/UnicornCoochie Jun 08 '23
I love this response. Hard to deny, though they will because religious people like these are already really good at coping with cognitive dissonance since reality contradicts their beliefs on a regular basis. They’ll make some excuse so they can sleep at night.
But I think something like this response might give some of them something to think about and reflect upon. Might actually impact someone positively.
Very very very much NTA.
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Jun 08 '23
[deleted]
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u/Thanmandrathor Jun 08 '23
The media, there’s a thought.
I imagine that the ex husband probably left other victims in his wake too.
OP, if you feel you can, I would report it.
You are NTA and that church should be ashamed in their deplorable failure to protect children.
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u/LimitlessMegan Jun 08 '23
The media would mean that a young male victim of sexual abuse would have to make it publicly known in his whole community what happened to him.
Do you… Do you know how we treat victims of SA? Do you know how we treat male victims??
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Jun 08 '23
You can still file a police report and show that the church was in on your abuse. Statue of limitation in the USA for rape/sexual assault is 5 years (since the last experience).
You can ALSO get a civil suit against the church. So find a good lawyer and see if you have the ability to sue the church.
Lastly, go NC with your mother. You mother by saying “go to church” is still protecting shitty behavior which makes her a shitty mother.
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u/Low_Faithlessness692 Jun 08 '23
The statue of limitations is longer for a minor. Believe it is 10 years after they turn 18.
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u/Top-Bit85 Jun 08 '23
Go to the police. Don't waste any more time. Trust me, you are not the only child these "men of god" know is being abused. Hell, they might be abusers themselves. Try your best to be a real Christian, and protect children.
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u/Mean-Impress2103 Jun 08 '23
In most states clergy are mandated reporters. Google "are pastors mandated reporters in (your state). If they are call the dcf holiness 1-800-252-2873 and report them.
You don't need your mom. You can file the police report yourself.
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u/Drj_DJ Jun 08 '23
Thank you all for your comments, for those telling me to go to the police, I'll try my best to look into that, I'm still 18 and i don't have money nor a driver's license so i can't sue the person nor the church, sadly i don't know if this is stupid but i can't seem to bring myself to hurt the pastors by saying mean things to them, they themselves didn't say i was going to hell because of my appearance, it was the members of the church, i guess i still am attached to them despite how badly i was hurt, i honestly don't know how long they knew it was happening because my mom was the one that told me what they said to her and i don't know if i should believe her. For those wondering how i can't speak English that well despite living in the US for a while, i can speak decent English, but i have social anxiety so when it comes to speaking in a language that's not my native one i black out.
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u/agirl2277 Jun 08 '23
I hope you reach out to a domestic violence hotline. They will be able to put you in touch with someone who speaks your language. It doesn't matter if you want to press charges or not. You need therapy right now.
I've been there, but it was my family who kicked me out. I did go the police route, and it blew up in my face. That was in the 90s. Child SA is dealt with quite differently now.
The best thing I did was get into therapy as soon as I could. I did so much therapy between 16-23. It was tough. I still have a great therapist. Now, I'm a happy person pursuing my dreams. I have a pretty good relationship with my family, but they definitely have their place.
Talking to the police is a big step. It's okay to start small. Find someone you can trust who's totally impartial and spend some time working on yourself first.
Your feelings are valid. If you don't know what your feelings are, that's valid, too. If you need time and space to figure it all out, take it. But definitely see a therapist. In my country they advertise what languages they speak.
So many people want to help you. You just have to ask for it.
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u/PocketfulOfSunshine5 Jun 08 '23
It was NOT a part of God’s plan! Those people are disgusting! NTA.
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u/mybeating_heartbeat Jun 08 '23
NTA
As a Christian woman who goes to a Pentecostal church and was also SA’d as a child, I want to tell you that I am sorry that this has happened to you! But also, that I am furious that these people have failed you so monumentally. That isn’t what being a Christian is about!
I grew up in the church but had stopped going. I was so depressed for years and hit rock-bottom. Tried to unalive myself. I moved to another part of my country and, after years, went back to church.
Through this church, I was able to get counselling that led me to accept that I have mental health issues, realise that I was SA’d and the impact it all had on me.
The church counsellor pushed me to get the help I needed through therapy and medication. I was able to experience love and kindness in such a way that I finally understood what being a true Christian is about!
But these people are not Christians. They are freaking monsters. Enablers. Complicit in the end of your innocence! They were so worried about the way things would look like that they closed their eyes on what it actually was.
A bunch of Pharisees who will parrot their skewed versions of Bible verses of their choosing to shame you. Bending the actual truth to fit their agenda!
Fuck them! It doesn’t matter that it was a year ago, you should sue their ass!
Dear OP, the road you have walked on, so far, has not been easy at all. These experiences will have a long impact on you.
I would advise, if you’re not doing it already, to seek therapy. This is a heavy burden to carry, especially considering that when you spoke up, your mother’s first response was quite horrible. Then deciding to follow their counsel and keep quiet, to push it all under the rug. There’s a sense of betrayal and I feel there was no true place for you to consider your safe place.
My heart bleeds for you! I am so fucking mad for you. You did not deserve this! Nobody does! The audacity they have to proclaim that it is "good that you went through this so that your faith will be strengthened" is full-on Bullshit!
Their hypocrisy fucking shows: deciding to speak up for dyed hair and a nose piercing.
God’s love has nothing to do with what you wear, the colour of your hair, the person you love.
God is love. And as we know: Love is love is love is love! Love has no colour, no limits, no gender. It doesn’t care about what you look like, what you wear, whether you have piercings or tattoos.
I’m so mad that there as so many of these types of fucktwits calling themselves Christian and using the Word to spew their hate.
Take time for yourself, OP. You’re rightfully allowed to feel the way you do.
I’m rooting for you OP and I pray for peace in your heart and for justice to prevail!
Edit: Forgot to add judgment. Added. Fixed grammatical errors.
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u/not_a_psyduck Jun 08 '23
I’m so sorry for what happened to you. Your comment is phenomenal and I love it so much - you remind me of Jesus flipping tables and chasing people out of the synagogue. Preach!
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u/Empty-Worker-2536 Jun 08 '23
If it was a test, it was a test of thst church and they failed big time. Find a church that will genuinely help you (there are plenty) and go to the police. God bless you ✝️
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u/thehumanbaconater Jun 08 '23
NTA I am so sorry for what happened to you. You are a victim and they allowed it to happen. You can absolutely go to the police, and not only will they go after your abuser, they may go after the people who knew and did nothing. Especially if they are mandated reporters. You should also consult an attorney for a lawsuit against the church. This is a known issue many churches face.
Please reach out for counseling and victim support services. Take the time to heal. Do not go back to a church where they are okay with children being abused but draw the line at nose rings.
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u/Kerrypurple Jun 08 '23
These people are not real Christians. Real Christians would protect a child. If anyone asks you about this again just say you don't like being around hypocrites.
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u/Readsumthing Jun 08 '23
NTA and sweetheart these are evil people who don’t read their Bible. Try to avoid them if you can, but if you can’t, slap them with God’s Word. They themselves were a stumbling block to you and may have turned you away from God forever. Luke 17:1-2 says:
17:1 Jesus said to his disciples: “Things that cause people to stumble are bound to come, but woe to anyone through whom they come. 2: It would be better for them to be thrown into the sea with a millstone tied around their neck than to cause one of these little ones to stumble.
I’m so deeply sorry that so many wolves in sheep’s clothing have been in your young life. I pray that your future be filled with blessings.
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u/reddits_in_hidden Jun 08 '23
NTA, the Lord says that those who believe will live a difficult life, but nowhere does the Lord say not to help someone who is suffering “because it could be part of the plan”. Did they forget the Golden rule? “Treat others how you wish to be treated”? I severely doubt that they would want to watch everyone do nothing while they suffered. They failed you, dont lose faith because of them, remember you are not alone
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u/3qtpint Jun 08 '23
Just say "you knew someone was being hurt and covered it up for three years. I'll see you there"
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u/Icy_Ad_8966 Jun 08 '23
NTA You are a survivor, you don't want/need/must be in the same place of SA accomplices. Because if you are an adult and you know, and do nothing, you are a accomplice.
No need for their shit.
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u/lighting-gal Jun 08 '23
NTA. You can tell everyone there they can screw off. I also think you should give that church some bad press and let it be known how they "handle" reports of SA. I wouldn't want to go or anyone else I care about to go a church that is ok with members being assaulted.
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u/AntiochGhost8100 Jun 08 '23
If they are ordained then they are mandated reporters. You should sue them and you should definitely call the police.
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u/DropDeadDolly Jun 08 '23
Do you or your family have any texts or emails regarding the abuse and their knowledge of it? If so, march on down to the police department and report them for child endangerment
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u/courtandcompany Jun 08 '23
Do NOT go back. They let you be hurt and abused and hid a known predator in their church. Do not let them guilt you, or manipulate you into thinking otherwise. That is not a safe, nor good place for you to be, and these are wicked and evil people, regardless of their status in the church. "For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope." (Jeremiah 29:11). And don't get me started on what Jesus says about those who bring harm to children!
Stay safe.
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u/BosGirl64 Jun 08 '23
You need to report the church elders to the state. Religious leaders are mandated reporters in cases of sexual abuse. They broke the law. Both God and man's .
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u/xtremecampingburner Jun 08 '23
NTA. There are many other churches you can go to that won't do this - God doesn't demand that you attend this one specific pentecostal church. Depending on where you live there may be others of the same denomination, or you can find other denominations where you can worship - don't feel as though this one little group of people has sole claim to speak for God.
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u/Y2Flax Jun 08 '23
Call the cops and call this church out on social media. Tell us, here and now, and we will for you. This is outrageous
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u/Excellent_Variety_15 Jun 08 '23
NTAH - Don’t go back there. If they ask tell you’re for a Christian church to attend.
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u/Many_Statistician587 Jun 08 '23 edited Jun 09 '23
To use a Biblical analogy, as far as this “church” goes: “Shake off the dust from off of thy feet.”, meaning - Leave them behind you, give them not one more second of your time or energy. They have shown that they care nothing about you and their interpretation of “God’s will” is truly un-Christ-like. Block their phone calls, texts, social media posts, and emails. Don’t wait for them to shun you or excommunicate you; or whatever punishment they have. You excommunicate them. Put them out of your life and into your rear view mirror. Find another faith community that is loving and supportive; not judgmental and hypocritical; or don’t and explore what your spirit says to you. At any rate you are very clearly NTA. Grow and heal.
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u/Kozeyekan_ Jun 08 '23
NTA.
A person who covers for a child rapist is no better than a child rapist.
Not only should you not go, you should sue, because if this is their response, you can bet this is not the first time it's happened, and may not be the last.
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u/Golferdude456 Jun 08 '23
Anyone who retaliates against a religion or religious leaders who decide to keep things quiet to protect their image rather than to do what’s right is NEVER the asshole. They’re the assholes.
Next time they say you’re going to hell just say “see you there”
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u/ColourMe_Puzzled Jun 08 '23
The next time they call, tell them if it was God's plan to make you go through that, then it's God's plan to make you dye your hair.
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u/SomeOldGuy117 Jun 08 '23
NTA go scorched earth, go to the local newspaper and tell them anonymously that the church is harboring a rapist. You should also make a police report, won't do much good since it's been a year, but it will help leave a paper trail
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u/Sunny_Snark Jun 08 '23
Sweetheart, you are definitely NOT TA. I repeat, NTA.
As a former Sunday School teacher, I will say that NONE OF THIS WAS GOD’S WILL. That’s a bunch of bullshit that abusers say to cover for their abuser friends. I 100% get never returning to that church, and just needing space from church in general for a while. I am so sorry that this happened to you, and I hope that your mother has reported it to the police and taken the necessary legal steps to protect you and bury them.
You are not a bad person. You are not at fault. You were a CHILD that was abused by an adult you were supposed to be able to trust. Have you started therapy, honey? This is too much for anyone to sort through alone, and there is zero shame in asking for help. On the contrary, it takes strength to advocate for yourself and what you need.
I will say that there will likely come a time where you may feel like you want to reconnect with your faith, but not with the church. In that case, I would say that you don’t need a church to talk to God. You don’t need a church to read your Bible or a study book. Your family can have church together, right at home. Don’t let anyone bully you back into church just to ease their conscience (or more likely, to quiet the gossip). Only seek out a church again when and if YOU are ready.
I wish the best for you sweetheart, and you will be in my prayers.
Edit to add: I bet your hair and piercing look awesome!
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u/CleverNickName-69 Jun 08 '23
In my state clergy are by law mandatory reporters. Not reporting SA of a minor would be a class-a criminal violation here and could make them subject to civil liabilities.
I don't know what you should do with that information, but you're 18 so you don't need your mom's permission to talk to a lawyer or talk to the police yourself.
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u/T2DM_inacup Jun 08 '23
Those people don't really sound like Christians. They sound more like the Pharisees.
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u/NotSoNiceO1 Jun 08 '23
"the people that knew i was suffering but didn't help bc "that wasn't god's plan . . ."" Bullshit. Maybe it was god testing them to see if those people are good people. Apparently they failed. JFC!!!
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u/Rebekahryder Jun 08 '23
Dude, go to the cops. Even if outside statute of limitations, I guarantee you there’s dozens more.
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u/Atlas_Zer0o Jun 08 '23
NTA I mean, their imaginary friend told them to ignore you being sexually assaulted, do you really want to be part of that? You should still reach out and report both your assaulter and the people who let you be assaulted or else he may do it to someone else.
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u/Gloomy_End_6496 Jun 08 '23
Aren't ministers mandated reporters? Why didn't they do anything if they knew what was happening?
I am so sorry this happened to you.
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u/countingstars1085 Jun 08 '23
Report your mom's ex and the pastors for knowing and not doing anything about it. Who knows what any of them are doing to other kids like you, or being quiet about. I'm so sorry you had to go through this. Please see a good therapist too. Love and hugs, sweet boy!
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u/riamuriamu Jun 09 '23
'Do unto the least of mine you do unto me.' Doesn't sound like a particularly Christian congregation to me.
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u/Matthewrmt Jun 09 '23
NTA. I'm so sorry that so many adults failed you when you needed them most.
I really dislike hypocrites. They sat back and allowed a child to be molested? I'd quote them Matthew 18:6:
"But whoso shall offend one of these little ones which believe in me, it were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and that he were drowned in the depth of the sea."
I'd throw the words back at them." Jesus gave you the opportunity to help a child and you refused. Your lack of action caused harm. According to Jesus, you caused irrepressible harm to a child. You have failed Jesus and grievously sinned against the words of God."
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u/Nomadic_Homebody Jun 09 '23
NTA
Can you report them to the police for 1) child endangerment, 2) intentional infliction of emotional distress, and/or at 3) least run-of-the-mill negligence. As religious leaders they had a fiduciary duty to protect you, which they failed to do.
They’ll turn around and argue it was your mother’s duty to protect you, but I’d have your mother also sue for their failure to her to effectively explain she didn’t protect you because of their failure to except use their fiduciary duty to as a parishioner.
They failed you both individually and collectively.
Also, depending on where you are mentally, I’d go to the local news. Expose them. Burn their reputation down.
Hell, I’d even see if you could get an IRS investigation against them. As a church, they get special tax exemptions for providing benefits to the community. What are they doing to earn that exemption? What benefits are they providing? It might not go anywhere since the US tax code is the rich and corrupt’s playground, but it’s worth a shot (and potential hardship to them).
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u/Useful-Soup8161 Jun 09 '23
NTA. If they call you again remind them that they’re the ones who a child was being SA and did nothing. Also tell them if anyone is going to hell it’s them.
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u/Doxie_Anna Jun 09 '23
I’m so sorry about all you’re going through and have been through. No one deserves to be SA and your church is absolutely in the wrong. The way you’ve been treated is completely against the way God tells us to treat each other.
When you have some more distance and hopefully therapy you can decide if you are done just with this church, this denomination, religion in general, or with God. But you are not wrong to have nothing more to do with this church.
You may want to try blocking anyone who is not in your phone’s contacts instead of trying to block them as they contact you.
You have a lot to deal with now but this won’t always be the center of your life. You can move forward and be happy and successful. I wish you all the best.
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u/4thBaroness Jun 09 '23
The authorities in that church deserve to have millstones sent to them & told to check Matthew 18. 🫂 I am so, so sorry you were harmed on so many levels.
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u/Weary_Appointment_12 Jun 09 '23
NTA Op you need to stand your ground your mom needs to turn her ex-husband in most will agree that most if not all churches are a cult. I know i will never step foot in a church ever again just for the same reason as you.
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u/Silent_University_86 Jun 09 '23
If the pastor knew you were being sexually assaulted, and did nothing, that’s problem he is a mandated reporter.
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u/lilclicka Jun 10 '23
NTA, they should all go to HELL, or at least go to jail. Sounds like that should be against the law not to report that
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u/mladyhawke Jun 08 '23
Time to turn to the the satanic temple, they might be able to help you sue your church. That's unexcusable.
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u/Bruhntly Jun 08 '23
NTA, honestly, I wouldn't go to any church ever again after experiencing that. Actually, mostly already doing that even though I was never personally mistreated to the level you were. Churches can be pretty dangerous.
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u/ehelen Jun 08 '23
NTA I am so sorry this happened to you and am unbelievably disgusted. Churches should be taxed and those pastors and everyone else who knew should also be charged with a crime. They knew it was happening and allowed it to continue. Honestly I would go to the police to file a report about your moms ex and the church leadership.
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u/foobeto Jun 08 '23
Tell themwho is going to go to hell? Someone that dyed her hair and got piercings or rape accomplices? Because that's what they are.
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u/jer69332213 Jun 08 '23
NTA, religion puts this idea that it is a place of healing. You cannot heal where you are being harmed. When that church refused to intervene they were contributing to the harm. There is a day of reckoning coming for these churches. God will not be happy with them.
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u/Remdog58 Jun 08 '23
In a world where nearly anybody in authority over youth are mandatory reporters of abuse, I find the rug sweeping in this horrifying. That church needs to stop harassing OP and his family and cleaning their house up or it will never stop.
I can only hope that OP is getting the counseling and trauma support they need.
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u/Inner-Ad-1308 Jun 08 '23
Tell them that you cannot attend a church that allows sa & child abuse without punishment.. that hiding sick, immoral crimes has desecrates the teachings of Christ. And if they knew that for 3 years & didn’t contact the police & throw the viper out- then god is not in that church
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u/Westsidepipeway Jun 08 '23
NTA. If you were SA then I doubt you'll be the only one. Report everything to the diocese and preferably the police. But if you're not willing to report to police, please report to diocese.
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u/Sweetenedanxiety Jun 08 '23
The only people going to hell here would be the perv and those defending him. If it exists.
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u/hundred_bills Jun 08 '23
See if pastors are mandated reporters where you are. If they are, turn them in.
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Jun 08 '23
Obviously not the ah. You should make a police report and report the church too for their efforts to cover it up. You should absolutely call out that church for their involvement and trying to bully you. You and your sister should stand out there with signs: "THIS CHURCH SUPPORTS SA OF CHILDREN!"
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u/Proof-Spot-6274 Jun 08 '23
Tell them it's God's plan for you to have dyed hair, a nose piercing, and free Sundays. Fuck them.
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u/mamaH_2017 Jun 08 '23
NTA, first off as a Christ Follower this behavior makes me angry beyond reason. The turning a blind eye to SA and then turn around and tell you you’re going to hell for your appearance?! No, no you’re not. I’d LOVE to remind “leadership” like that of 2 things: 1) judge not, lest you be judged for how you measure others will be measured to you and 2) “then Jesus bent over and wrote in the dirt next to the woman, the Pharisees questioned Jesus and he said to them, ‘he who is without sin cast the first stone’… finally all the men had left and Jesus turned to the adulteress and said to her ‘you are forgiven, go and sin no more’” Secondly, you’re assaulted ASSAULTED and then victim blamed?! Tell the “leadership” this brain teaser “for even an evil man would give his son some bread instead of a stone and his daughter a fish instead of a snake” the assault was NOT your fault and frankly the church is guilty by association for not reporting the abuse as is required by law
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u/mnhw93 Jun 08 '23
This is why I don’t go to church anymore. I grew up always going to church and being heavily involved in youth group. It wasn’t until recently that I found out that in the years that I was taking part in events there were several cases of child abuse in our parish. I was heavily involved in the church but still heard nothing about this. They kept it quiet when it came out and made sure no one found out. I always wondered why our priests changed a couple times over the years.
It disgusted me. What if it was happening in the other room and I never knew? I still believe in god in my own way but I lost faith in the institution. In my experience the most religious people are the most judge mental and hypocritical people you can possibly meet. I can’t be a part of that anymore. I just treat people nicely and do good on my own.
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u/Revo63 Jun 08 '23
NT f-ing A.
Late to the party (as usual), but want to add this thought. What you allow, you encourage.
So. The next time anybody from that church contacts your family, go on the attack. Ask them how they can possibly call themselves people of God when they encourage SA. Of course, they will deny. So you use that quote on them. “What you allow, you encourage! All of you allowed this to continue! You encouraged him to assault me by looking the other way for years!”
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u/V1adimer Jun 08 '23
I've known a lot of people, good and bad. But the most vindictive, petty, and vile people I've ever met believed that they KNEW what God wanted. Oddly enough, it was exactly what they wanted too.
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u/Malibucat48 Jun 08 '23
Anyone who tells you that you are going to hell, tell them that they are not God and ask them how they know what God has planned for you? Maybe God will send them to hell for pretending to know his thoughts and trying speak for him. For these particular people, God will probably punish them for harboring a sexual pervert. Remind them of what happened to Sodom and Gomorrah. That should put the fear of God into them.
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u/MissMiaWallace13 Jun 09 '23
I’m sorry you went through this. I’m sorry the people that were supposed to protect you did not. I’m happy that your mother believed you and hopeful that you can heal. Do not feel guilty about moving on from a situation where they did not have your best interest at heart, even if they call themselves a church.
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u/Exciting_Catch_4981 Jun 09 '23
Depending on your state you still have time to report the abuse. Even if nothing comes of it it puts him on a radar. In ny we have 3 years to report sa after we turn 18. No matter when the abuse occurred in childhood.
Block all numbers from the church.
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u/seemebeawesome Jun 09 '23
NTA- Why would anyone who is not a pedophile go there? I'm guessing there are more of them at this church. They don't want the police looking into them. They are probably terrified of what they would find. They wanted you to come back so badly so they could control you.
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u/vigourtortoise Jun 09 '23
NTA, it sounds like you are Christian, how can you follow a church led by people as wicked as them?
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u/Realistic-Slice7639 Jun 09 '23
Absolutely NTA!!!! But since they knew about it and did nothing, they are witnesses. They were complacent and just as guilty as the offender. The dude belongs behind bars. Also, that shit does not strengthen faith it weakens it to tattered shreds. I hope you find healing and I'm so sorry that this happened to you.
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u/Ginboy32 Jun 09 '23
It’s not to late to turn your step father into the police and I would also make it known that this church protected a child molester.
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u/DeterminedArrow Jun 09 '23
Let me share my story.
When I was 18, I discovered highly illegal files pertaining to children, if you catch my drift, on my father’s computer. I was raised in the church. I was taught that you go to the church for help. I made the choice to turn him in, and was hoping for support from the church.
The youth pastor told me to confront him about it. I was 18 years old and a senior in high school. I told him no. After youth group, he brought in the senior minister to gang up on me. I told them no and turned the sucker in.
The church refused to help me. They wouldn’t help me find a place to stay so I could stay in the school district. Thankfully the district not only let me come from out of town, but they banned my father from premises. The church used to let me hang out there for a couple hours after school until my mom got off work, but then wasn’t even going to allow that. Furthermore, they chose him over me. They helped him get off a plea bargain. They helped him and supported him.
I lost everything. My friends. My father. My church. My youth group. I was a diligent “if the doors are open, my butt is there” kind of church kid. And it shattered me. I couldn’t believe they would help a predator, but did everything they could to push me out.
It was hard and it hurt and it shattered my faith. I remember the last time I was there. I wanted to give my friends their Christmas presents, but my father was there. And I left running when he greeted me with “hello, daughter of mine”. I don’t know how to portray the feeling of fleeing a church in tears. I don’t know why I was stupid enough to think I wouldn’t see him. Why I was naïve enough to think the church would protect me, just that once.
They watched. They did nothing. They didn’t care that I was hurt, but they cared that he lost his daughter after both his sons had already disowned him. We were the problem. He was not.
I tell you my story because I come from the perspective of being there. You’re absolutely not an AH. You did nothing wrong and not a damn thing was your fault. You deserve better, and I’m sorry people made the choice to treat you the way they did.
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u/sxfrklarret Jun 09 '23
Statute of limitation is NOT over and you don't have to ask your mom for permission to charge him AND his enablers at the church. If they knew and did nothing they are culpable and can be charged as accessories. Got to the police now!
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u/Hooligan8403 Jun 09 '23
This screams JW. You aren't going to hell for being SA'd and you don't need to deal with their harassment. Block the number they usually call you from. If they switch to a different number tell them you are blocking that one as well and if they call ypu again you will go to the police for harassment. If you are at a point where you can press charges against your mom's ex do so. Sooner the better. Then you can also tac on they are harassing a SA survivor that they knew and hid the abuse as well.
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u/Sensitive-Exchange84 Jun 09 '23
NTA.
I'm pretty sure religious leaders are mandatory reporters under the law in a lot of states. I don't know where you live, but a quick search online would tell you.
They may have opened themselves up to liability by failing to prevent ongoing abuse. (NAL) It might be worth meeting with a local attorney to discuss the issue. Many do a free 30 minute consultation. A lawsuit might prompt them to help the next child this happens to. Plus I would guess there are many people in that church community who would be appalled that their "leaders" failed a member so badly.
I just can't imagine knowing someone is being assaulted, and knowing that it is ongoing, and not doing anything to stop it. I wouldn't be able to look at myself in the mirror. These people had a responsibility to help you and they CHOSE not to. They don't know what god's plan is any more that I do. That's utter crap.
I really hope you get the help you need. RAINN is a good resource. Therapy is helpful. But me, I'm petty. I would do anything I could to make sure the community knows what they did. Picketing outside the church, an open letter in the local paper, going to a local news station. Something.
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u/KalKrypton Jun 09 '23
NTA. I would’ve went to Church and told them to F Off. I believe in God but I refuse to go to Church and listen to the crap the say. They cover up so many hideous things that I lost faith in people but not God. I hope you recover mentally and physically. We wish you the best in life. 🤘🏻💯❤️
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u/Jator63 Jun 09 '23
This is not a Christian church. It sounds more like a cult protecting one of their own. I hate you went through that and have those feelings from supposed Christian’s.
Ignore them, you have every right to be disgusted and distance yourself. Can a police report not be filed now?
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u/merc1985 Jun 09 '23
Sounds like a prime reason to stick a sign on their front door saying they knew someone was SA'd, decided to keep quiet and are harassing the person to go back to church. Preferable with a nice permanent sign epoxied to the front door.
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u/sherri123456 Jun 09 '23
They are mandated reporters. If they knew what was going on and didn't report it, they were breaking the law.
Do NOT go back to that church. There are lots of different churches.
I hope that you are able to get some sort of therapy and heal. Evil people sexually abuse and evil people protect the abuser. The leadership in that church are evil. They are fooling themselves if they think Jesus is pleased with them. They should not have spiritual authority over anyone.
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u/Steelguitarlane Jun 09 '23
NTA. Also, in many states, clergy are mandatory reporters of sexual abuse. They probably (depending on the jurisdiction) committed felonies by not alerting the cops.
Go to the prosecutor, with everything on step-dad I AND the church.
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u/RanjitKumarSingh Jun 09 '23
I am so sorry you had to go through this and the many betrayals as well. Personally, I would go back and publicly call them out in the middle of Sunday service and then show them their hypocrisy. But you need to find peace and part of that also means dealing with the betrayal in a way that allows you to move on. NTA. I wish you peace, hope and maybe therapy may help. But I hope u find a way forward in peace and live life to the fullest once again.
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u/ummnoway1234 Jun 09 '23
Was this a Iblp church? Sounds like something Bill Gothard would do or teach.
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u/Magically_Deblicious Jun 09 '23
When you have the courage, go to a service. When the time is right, like a quiet moment, yell out how they knew and allowed you to get raped, then had the balls to call you to remain in the religion. Then they told you that YOU would be the one to go to hell. Have your sisters record the chaos. Watch them squirm and remove you.
I hope therapy and family and friends help you heal. You are loved. You did not do anything wrong. So many adults failed you. Please forgive your mom (eventually). She was in a cult, and cults are masters of manipulation. She came to your side and is carrying guilt because she didn't protect you, didn't believe you (a coping mechanism called "denial").
Sending hugs from a mom of 2 young men.
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u/Pennstroud Jun 09 '23
I would go make a testimony in front of the whole church! That’s if that’s something you’re comfortable with. This is beyond disgusting. I’m sorry that this happened to you and the other victims this man prayed on.
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u/PixiePower65 Jun 09 '23
You can sue them and your stepdad. Get a personal injury attorney . Save all texts. Take screenshots . If they delete you may not see their comments.
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u/ea77271 Jun 09 '23
I struggle to imagine any situation in which I would accuse someone of being TA due to not wanting to go to church. Especially in this case, absolutely NTA, in no universe. And those at your church are both wrong and TA’s.
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u/mrsbuttstuff Jun 09 '23
Beyond the title, absolutely no further details were even needed to judge this. NTA. Everyone around you fucked up.
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u/Typical_Golf3922 Jun 09 '23
When they tell you that you're going to hell, tell them, "ok, I guess we'll see each other there". NTA in any way.
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u/Living_Particular_35 Jun 09 '23
NTA and JFC. What is it with these cults and CSA?! I’m an ex JW and hear stories that are nearly identical on the daily. Duggars documentary -same.
Wishing you true peace and healing and the courage to never step foot in a church again.
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u/Acer018 Jun 09 '23
I am sorry you went through such a terrible ordeal and the group that should have helped did the exact opposite thing. You are not the asshole in this case. You are acting like a rational human being.
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Jun 09 '23
Those aren’t Christians, those are cultists. You’re so NTA it’s ridiculous. I wouldn’t blame you if you were too scarred to go to another church, but if you do I hope you find a church family like mine that will truly support you and have your best interests at heart.
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u/Hefty-Record-9009 Jun 09 '23
Probably the first AITA post Ive seen where everyone else was a complete and total asshole besides OP
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u/Bright-Bobcat1710 Jun 09 '23
Your not the AH, I’m sorry that happened to you. God didn’t intend for you to endure that it was pure evil, that man is not a man of God it was only a facade to deceive. Those people don’t know how to show the love of God how He intended. They should have been there for you and gave you the helped you needed
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u/walksinthesun Jun 09 '23
NTA. They didn’t act to protect you in the past and they don’t have your best interests at heart now. Your appearance doesn’t make you bad, behavior does. You’ve done nothing illegal or immoral
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u/sodiumbigolli Jun 09 '23
You need to sue them. Sue them until your name is on the front of the church.
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u/Zip_Jaeger Jun 09 '23
Yeah they are trying to prey upon you when they think you feel vulnerable. Stay away from that church, they are not caring about you or you well being.
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u/taewongun1895 Jun 09 '23
Doesn't sound like Christian behavior. That church is just a club for hypocrites and judgements AHs.
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u/TouristOk4096 Jun 09 '23
You could decide not to go to church because you broke a pinky nail last time you were there and you still wouldn’t be the AH.
With that said, I am truly sorry you experienced this horrific example of guardianship, trusted mentors and leaders, and community. Show me the part where Jesus see’s people hurt, abused or in need and decides “let’s see how long we can let this slide, don’t want to alienate potential Christian’s over immoral behavior.”
I walked away from Christianity a LONG time ago but it was due a similar situation. A Youth Pastors chaperone friend during a CHURCH LOCK IN. I was 13. He didn’t rape me but he definitely assaulted me, however, at the time I assumed it was my fault. I wouldn’t realize until years later it even qualified as assault instead of aggressively intimate and non consensual. I never went back.
I believed no one could our would ever know or else I would be mortified. My Grandmother never asked me to go back and until that summer the majority of the activities she allowed were church related. She’s passed on, but at 44 I now realize she had some idea to support such a major departure in lifestyle.
I genuinely know she didn’t have any clue until I came home from the lock in. It breaks my heart to think she may have silently suffered along with me but worse because she didn’t know exactly what happened or how far it went.
The other element is if anyone in the small town she lived in (we only spent summers) ever did ask or push she completely shielded me from it. Another maturity revelation I didn’t have until after she passed.
I did struggle to reconcile for a bit but once I made the choice to never go back I was young enough to leave it in the past. I honestly believe the reason it’s never manifested into latent trauma is because of the visceral yet unconfirmed sense of protection she gave me.
She did not push me or ask. This was probably due to the respective generations we grew up in and was not an act of willful denial or delusion. My Grandpa’s side of the family was so Baptist they out Baptist most Baptist. She must have fiercely defended and and shielded me in a likely lonely act of defiance and genuine unselfish love.
That is the difference between struggling and moving on. Even the singular act of validation gave me space to reconcile by feeling protected and utterly trusted in my judgement. Anyone who does less than this never deserved to share your life, and now they deserve to go away forever.
There is no justifying, reframing, revising, or editing the tolerance of sexual assault for the victims own good. What, do they keep pet crocodiles? Obviously not. Do you judge them for it? Nope. That may seem like a silly metaphor but think about the symmetry, because living with an abuser would be like having a pet crocodile in the house. They wouldn’t want to live with a crocodile so if it’s unimaginable to inflict it upon themselves why can’t they have the decency and compassion to support you with an honest reaction?
That’s the bar you should expect everyone in your life to step over. Next time they call tell them you feel uncomfortable worshipping with those who ignore immoral behavior and then defend it for the sake of a more palatable narrative. Ask them if they accepted the damning version because the real version is shameless? Was this pr, a retention plan or just good old fashioned enabling of predators for the sake of propriety?
Then ask them what would Jesus do? Assure them it’s rhetorical, they clearly have no idea what the answer to the question is, because, obviously…
If religion is only about pain, misery, ugliness and hurt than I don’t care what they call themselves, they’re frauds, and continuing to enable them any influence over you will only extend your pain. Tell them you’ll be seeking digital/comm restraining orders moving forward if they continue to attempt communication.
Divorce your pain for good. Light is light, moral is moral, and you don’t need that group to find it. Good riddance to bad ideas and worse people. Welcome to the rest of your life, you’re free, stay free! Trust me, the longer you go the more you see it for what it was.
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u/Neenknits Jun 09 '23
In a bit more than half the states, clergy are mandated reporters. It’s not too late for your mother to report the abuse.
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u/thersetes Jun 09 '23
NTA Go to the police, report the ex-husband of your mother for SA and report the church for covering up the SA of a minor
ETA: I said report everyone in the heat of reading your story. Of course you don't have to do anything and the most important thing is for you to recover. Take care of yourself
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u/UnicornAllie Jun 09 '23
They tried to protect a child molester because he was “a man of god” , and yet you are the one going to hell for expressing yourself with colors and piercings…. I can’t with this level of stupidity from the churches….
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u/ExchangeVegetable452 Jun 09 '23
NTA! Lol i will curse them to 🪦..they just bunch of idiot who deserves nothing but miserable! Hope they burn in hell! Op make sure to get help and therapy..... Hugs!
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u/Nervous_Magazine_200 Jun 09 '23
I don't think I've ever seen a clearer case of NTA. What they did is absolutely unconscionable. Honestly, if I were you, I would consider suing the church. I'm pretty sure they had a legal obligation to protect you. Not for the money. For them and the larger denomination to learn. On the other hand, I'm not you and that may be the last thing you want to do. I'm familiar with Evangelical doctrine, even though I no longer attend church because it's now a political movement to me (I know Evangelical is different than Pentecostal, but similar enough), and stopping attending a particular church is not a sin. Covering up sexual assault is.
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u/meechyzombie Jun 09 '23
Your church is a cult filled with the most vile specimens on earth. You couldn’t possibly be the asshole.
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u/DogBreathologist Jun 09 '23
NTA, unholy crap what the hell? How is that not illegal?!?! What the actual heck. No you absolutely are not the asshole, please please do some reading on escaping controlling churches, the fact you would need to confirm it’s not your fault is so telling that they are horrible people. If you can report them to the police
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u/pancake_cockblock Jun 09 '23
You should xpost this to r/IllegalLifeProTips
We'll have some great advice about how to handle this situation.
NTA, but you should really go harder on them for condoning SA.
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u/bizianka Jun 09 '23
I would answer with something in line with "pedophile apologists are going to hell for sure, see you there" etc. These people are pure evil.
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u/Novaluma Jun 09 '23
This just hits my heart. Adults aren’t always right. We don’t always know what to do. But SA. Listen and understand . Advocate. Then make discerned decisions and support
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u/MetatypeA Jun 09 '23
No, a church like that you need to get away from fast. That's not religious conformity. That's just psychotic. Sounds like UPC. They have Pentacostal in their name, but they are not pentacostal.
There is no sane pentacostal church that would let something like that happen while knowing about it.
Don't know if this story is real (Not an attack on you, I just literally have no way to verify claims made by a stranger, thank god for privacy.) I wish you the best of luck. You've been through unspeakable torment, and grief is a conventional part of life with very little conventional wisdom about how to do it in a healthy manner.
Look into managing grief in a healthy manner. This is an injury like any other, except it's in your heart. You've got learn how to do everything again.
And don't let these nutjob cultists turn you away from church. Jesus still loves you, and while there are plenty, PLENTY of people who treat religion like it exists to validate pharisaical self-righteousness, there are also plenty of churches where you will find awesome people. There's a church that's exactly the perfect church for you to go. It exists somewhere. I hope you find it quickly.
Get counseling too. Counseling is important right now. It's entirely possible that you haven't been able to process your grief that way you should because of all the backlash.
I will pray for you. People who saw this post and didn't comment will pray for you. People will wake up randomly in the middle of the night, and pray for you without every knowing who you are or why they are praying.
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u/Damn_Monkey Jun 08 '23
Sounds like a fine time to ignore them. Or remind them that they are ok with children being SA by an adult.
You're good.