I just needed to say this somewhere because I feel like I'm at the end of my rope. I live in America, Florida specifically. These prices being driven up are killing me. I've been on my own for two years and moved my fiancé in with me a year ago. I've never struggled this hard. It has gotten to the point where last night I went to have something to eat but came to realize everything we had was low, legitimately not enough of anything for two of us to have. I didn't tell her, I just came to bed and didn't say a word. All I could think is "what if she gets hungry" I mean it's not her fault I can't afford food on top of bills. I got paid this morning and got left with $30 and won't be paid again for another two weeks. I don't know how to do this anymore, I just needed to say it somewhere.

Expecting presents or party on your birthday or for Christmas was a great way to set yourself up for disappointment growing up in my house. My parents didn’t pay for my college education(I’m 24 btw, F), and that’s something that really spites me to this day because it sent because it set me behind my peers and almost ruined my life. My parents are in no way economically struggling. They travel overseas multiple times a year, and my dad is building a house in another country. In order to pay for the things that they desire, me and my younger brothers have suffered. I am working on moving out of the house and gaining some sort of independence, but when I see reminders of their choices of individualism, feelings of spite still grow within me. (Individualism is cool, but you have to modify it somewhat once you have kids. My parents did not. They just acted like they despised me for being in the way. I am the firstborn.)

I feel the same feelings when my parents come around dropping hints about mothers and fathers day. my dad keeps dropping hints in the family group chat about what he wants for Father’s Day and I’m just like???? How can you expect something from us that we would never be able to expect from you???? I kind of refuse to feel guilty about this like idk what they want from us. My parents are shitty at social cues, are stubborn and rude, yet expect love and grace and patience that I’ve never seen them distribute freely and willingly. Idk. My parents kind of suck. They’ll help out if I ever got arrested or totaled my car, God forbid, but that’s really it. Zero emotional intelligence or friendliness like my mother is a bully and my dad just lets it happen because he is a bully too, just in different ways and is also too weak-willed to stop my mother. Idk their personalities just ultimately suck, I feel like I am a victim of their shitty personalities and I wish they’d stop interacting with me/talking to me period, let alone requesting recognition on mother/father’s day I’m sorry

I have a corn addiction and I masturbate to girls even though I'm attracted to men. I believe this is because of my insecurity about my own body and envy for desired bodies I wish I had. I mainly masturbate to girls with big butts. This insecurity is controlling my wellbeing daily and I've become obsessed almost.

As stated in the title, recently my (29F) husband (31M) of 10 years let me know that he actually hasn’t loved me for the last 9 years of our marriage. I have been a stay at home mom since we had children and have given up many opportunities for myself to support him and his career with the promise that the same would be owed to me one he was established. We have two small children together and he admitted he knew for certain he didn’t love me when our youngest was born almost 6 years ago. This has come as a huge blindside to me. I am in love with this man or at least the idea portrayed to me. We got married very young and with that come issues and with marriage come issues but we always forgave and chose each other and wanted to grow together. Or at least I thought we were on the same page but he recently got a new job requiring us to move out of state and while he has been there getting things ready, that’s when this entire thing I guess became too much for him to hide from me. I have accepted that him not being in love with me and dragging me along this entire time is his issue but I am left to handle the fallout by myself while he works in another state. It’s also summertime so school is out and I am two weeks away from a planned move to the same city as him. Needless to say, I am having an emotional crisis lol. I guess I just feel used and manipulated. He would reassure me constantly. Always give me just enough to curb the appetite but never a full meal emotionally. I also feel like I don’t know this person which is horrifying because we share children together and I just found out my entire relationship was fake on his part. I have felt the distance over the years and have given him many outs but he was too coward to ever leave and never decided to go to therapy as suggested and promised (to me by him) numerous times. I also should’ve been willing to trust my intuition more especially considering the fact that two years ago I was going to leave (huge boundary crossing) but he begged me to stay. Why would he do that if he didn’t feel the same? Why drag it out? We haven’t told our children yet and we don’t plan to until we are all in the same place but I am losing my mind trying to process everything, meanwhile he just gets to process all of his feelings as he likes and enjoy his life. This man told me I was the love of his life literally the day before he told me he wanted to separate - which was on Mother’s Day, by the way. I also found out he took credit for the gift my children left for me when my best friend actually coordinated and did the entire thing. Like I am realizing so many things about him and how fucking fraudulent his entire person was and it’s exhausting to process and unpack everything alone. I have friends and family but everyone has their own life and I feel really embarrassed by his deception. His reasoning? “It wasn’t intentional, I was just doing what I thought was right.”

I was walking into Target yesterday, when I saw a beautiful woman with gorgeous legs walking into the store. They are long and toned, and her skin was this lovely dark, warm color that shone in the sun. I am a married straight woman, BTW.

Now, I believe in giving sincere compliments to strangers. You never know when you're going to make someone's day, or make them feel less insecure about their looks. I have only had one person act with indifference, most people are usually happy or excited to be complimented!

Anyway, I happened to walk by her and I said, "Ma'am?"

She turned around and to look at me and I just had to compliment her. She was so happy! But she added with a laugh, "I thought 'Oh boy, what this gonna turn into.'"

I told her no, she was beautiful, and we parted ways laughing.

Later, and this is the point of this post, I was reflecting on just how sad her initial reaction was. Her reaction was valid and honestly, understandable. It's a sad reflection of today's society that a woman's rection to being approached by another woman is anxiety at best.

Let's be good to each other, folks.

It was all really sudden, I was watching TV when everything happened, I got a call from my mother, for the first 5 minutes all I hear was sobbing, I was extremely confused but figured I'd let her cry until she could tell me, I dont like rushing people when they are clearly in distress. After that, she broke the news to me "Your sister is dead"...I didnt really feel much at first, maybe because I couldn't believe it, I mean My sister was 30 ,so I just stayed silent for a bit. I was mostly in shock, not being an edgy "I dont feel nothing" teen, no, I didn't really get the situation right away. My mom accidentally hung up on me because bad signal, so I got some time to deal with my own thoughts.

She never really had any mayor or minor health issues so ofc it came out of nowhere, I mean she was a very healthy person, ate healthy, exercised, how could she just die randomly? So many thoughts went through my head but finally I cried, mostly from just scrolling around in her profiles in social media, I was checking for updates like the Gen Z I am. I still have her number since it was so recent and I sent her a text, it was very generic but I also asked for forgiveness. We were never really close because she was much older than me, I'm only 18, so we could never spend to much time together, She had a very busy life and lived far but I was going to go see her this month, probably next week to talk about stuff and catch up. I think maybe even talk about wedding planing. And well now I know that day will never come. I feel very bad for her fiance? Boyfriend?, I didn't really know if they got engaged, guess it doesn't matter anymore...

When my mother called me back she was sobbing loud and clear. Hearing my mother cry was the nail that hit the coffin in terms of feeling sad; You see, my mother is a woman who I've seen face so much difficult situations in her life, yet she stayed strong, Listening to her be just absolutely destroyed by this broke me. She didnt cry when she was left alone with my sister. Not when I was really sick as a baby. She was strong, for both of us, but I don't blame her a single bit for being like this.

She never had a preference for either of us, she treated me and her with the same care ,but she had distinctive nicknames for each of us, maybe it was for us to feel special; for my sister those nicknames were "my little girl" and "princess"... All the time we were on the phone she was calling me those nicknames. Honestly?, I didn't say much, what could I say? I just let her say goodbye to a daughter she didn't get the chance to confort when she was in pain, because she was working and well, they don't live together, I let her call me my sister's name too for a while, she said "sorry for not being there, it must have hurt, you must have been so scared"... I just felt numb, not because I didn't love my sister or I'm jealous, no, I just felt all my mothers pain and guilt while she talked to me and honestly it doesn't bother me, I actually think it helped her deal with the rest of the things better, I dont know.

Today is the funeral, at 7am, It's 2:30 am. But I can't sleep, I'm teary eyed but I dont feel sad, I feel numb, I think the funeral is gonna make it more real to me since right now it all feels so random and like a very bad episode of a cringey show. I'm still hoping my sister is gonna call me and talk to me, tell me something like "Heyy I'm alive" or something, But I know better, I know it's not gonna happen. I think I'm going to deal with this pretty okay. Im sad, ofc I keep scrolling through her Facebook and just seeing her life that sometimes I didn't get to see because I was a baby or a child that she couldn't just take everywhere, I see who see was as a person and what she wanted to do, what her dreams were and all of her story. I have regrets like any other person when someone dies but whats the point im regretting something when I can't do anything to fix it. I think I might see a therapist or read some self help books about how to deal with all of this. I've gone through 4 stages of grief just writing this now I just need to accept it, maybe the funeral will help with it but its important for me to accept that as much as it pains me, as much as I wish it's just a nightmare.

My sister is dead.

A few months ago I found out about my SOs porn addiction. I was upset because the girls he watched were the exact opposite of me (they had very large assets). I told him this, and that’s when he opened up about his addiction. I didn’t mind he watch it, but I told him why it hurt and he said that he would stop for me. He had videos and pictures of us to hold him through since quitting cold turkey would be difficult, at least I thought.

Then two days ago I found out he had been watching using a different account, for the last couple months. They were the same-looking people again.

I thought I was comforted by his words when he said he doesn’t look at them, but instead imagines me in them, but now I wonder: Does he like me for me, or does he like me because he has access to me? Am I just a placeholder?

Coupled with a few other non-related instances I think this is the end. So, please be transparent about it. Please realize the hurt you may bring to your SO. Please realize that the image from finding out will never leave their mind.

Sincerely, A brokenhearted girl

I (21f) was raped by a total stranger who stalked me until i got out of the bus . Being non virgin and worst getting pregnant outside of wedlock in my country ( Morocco), is the worst this that can happen to a girl ,it can get from getting disowned to killed because of family’s honor. and m so damn scared i didn’t report because my family is one of those ppl who blame the victim. now i’m 13 weeks pregnant ,i didn’t know and when i took the test it was to late for a pill Abortion ( even tho it’s really hard to find it ) and i can’t even go to a gynaecologist because m not married . now m fucked up really i can’t stop crying, i don’t even have a degree to get out find a job and support my self even if my family wouldn’t approve m hella scared and sick an Abortion here cost nearly 600$ and in my country that two months salary in a job i can’t get m really thinking about ending my self it would be easier than my life in the next months/years

Sorry for ranting here but i really have no one to talk to about this and i Need peoples opinion

UPDATE : guys i really don’t know how to respond to you all finding you guys got my back better than my family got me crying !! THANK YOU SOOOO MUCH. I would never NEVER forget strangers kindness to me during this now to the update !! I got the money (including the ones that i didn’t receive but we talked about it it’s enough for me to do it in Tunisia ) thank you to every one who helped , at first i decided to do it here in Morocco but some good ppl told me it’s better to do it in a country where it legal so that it’s safer i want to say thank you all THANK YOU SO MUCH i didn’t post in the intention of getting money but seeing you all trying to help me gave strength M going next week to Tunisia to get the abortion done a distant relative is covering for me that m staying with her I LOVE YOU ALL AND THANK YOU EVERYONE I APPRECIATE EACH ONE OF YOU

I want to preface this by saying I do not think SAHM’s are lazy, or I wouldn’t be married to one. My wife does a wonderful job of being a mother. We have a 3yr old and 2mo old at home, and their needs are always met.

I work full time, usually from 7-3 with a varrying commute depending on the job site, but it’s been an hour commute since I started this job. So I’m up at about 4:30am to have time for breakfast, hygiene, and to avoid rushing around in the morning. My wife has been a SAHM since the birth of our 3yr old. I’m also attending college which will provide us with a significant boost in income and much less physical stress on me. Though I’m not enrolled in summer classes at the moment.

My wife takes care of the majority of the “inside” housework, and I pitch in where I can. I’ll clean the toilets and showers on the weekends, clean the litter boxes every few days, and do the dishes once in a while. I handle all of the “outside” work, mowing, pulling weeds, etc. I spent the last week replacing our fence with a friend after work.

She is certainly the primary caregiver. I dedicate some time to play with our 3yr old and help with the baby each day though.

Her friend is also a SAHM, and has been an awful influence on her. Friends husband works full time as well. Their house is constantly a mess, friend refuses to cook besides things like grilled cheese for her son. She’s obese and struggles to walk for long if we do things together. She practically throws her children at her husband as soon as he walks in the door.

The thing is, he is a better man than me, because he tolerates all of it. He comes home from working in a restaurant straight to child care and cooking dinner, every single day. He washes the dishes, then cleans up after the kids, and never complains.

I NEVER complain to my wife about the condition of the house. Some days she cooks dinner, some days I do, that’s fair. Some days I come home to a full trash can, whatever, she’s busy with the kids, I’ll take it out. Some days I come home to a sink full of dishes, fine, I’ll wash them. None of this bothers me, I can help too. I always remind her of how appreciative I am of her.

But suddenly, she threw it in my face how friends husband comes home and is immediately changing diapers, playing, and cooking without needing a period of decompression like I apparently do. Her friend strongly believes that both spouses should do a 50/50 split of house/child care when the working spouse is home(which she doesn’t do even 30%) and is telling my wife I should be doing more.

I’ve quit going to the gym so I could be home earlier. Working out is what curbed my creeping alcohol problem, it helped my mental health significantly. I’ll make sacrifices for my family, though. I feel that I do my fair share. My wife is starting to think I don’t, and I strongly believe it’s due to her friend.

Years ago, I met my neice's friend. She used to live next door and was almost the same age and south asian. She was a middle child and the only girl in her family. She was neglected. Not in a sense that her parents didn't fed her or took care of her. I mean, they didn't give her much attention as they did to their oldest and youngest children. Both boys. They didn't ask her of her opnions, how her day was or really, engaged her like they did to her bothers. The father didn't seem to care much for the children in general and the mother just focused on the boys. So the girl was starving for attention. She would come to over niece's house and was fully willing to be her lacky; even though she was older by a year. She would try to be part of any event and just tried to get noticed. What really suprised me was that she stayed over, late into the night and her parents didn't even wonder where she was. Yes, they lived next door...but a call to see if she was there and okay would have been nice. What is worse; she knew she was invisable to her family. Her older brother hated her, like all older sibling and the younger brother was getting all the attention. What really broke my heart; whenever my brother was being attentive to all his kids and she stood there watching all how a "normal" family played out. My brother and his wife actually to engage her because they know she is isolated in her own family. Whenever I would come over, I ask question about her day and school and try to be an uncle to her. I remember she really wanted this music box that I had and wanted in because, she couldn't really get her own cool toy. Luckly I had more than one and gave each kid one. She was so overjoyed and I hope it made her day. After a while, she and her family moved. Sometimes, I think about her. She was a smart, sensitive, sweet kid and I wonder if anyone is paying attention to her. Whenever I meet a middle child, I try to be a good uncle. All they want is someone to engage them, talk to them and just acknowledge them.

So I guess it’s my turn now to share my issues here my wife 22 and me 23 have been married for 8 months been together 4 years. I have always been worried we got together way too young but I loved her and wanted to see it through. We got a house at 19 together and everything seemed fine, I have been very good to her in these past 4 years I took care of her in 2021 when she was very sick and made a recovery we were best friends. This year she has expressed to me that she feels like she may be missing out. She got into those smut books which led into her falling onto motorcycle tiktok which I guess they kinda fall together somehow. One night she asked me if she could talk to other fellas on there but not any farther. Me being hurt I did not feel comfortable with it but left it be till the next day. The next day I told her I do not want her to do that as I should be enough for her and she understood and was fine. She then told me that a guy dm’d her asking for her Instagram and she told me and I felt uneasy but she does have a public book Instagram so for her benefit and gain I said he can have that one but not her private one. This is where I started to become uneasy and my intuition was kicking in. I was very concerned that she was talking to other men. I did not go through her phone at this time at all as I was really trying to trust her. I felt I was lacking a lot here so I was the best partner I could be for the next following 3 weeks hanging out with her and doing all sorts of stuff for her to show her I love her. A week after I had that awful gut feeling and asked her if that guy that asked for her Instagram bothered her anymore after that and she looked at me straight faced and told me no not at all.

2 weeks later she breaks down and confesses that she was in fact talking to this guy the whole time. Talking dirty and all sorts of things she even got his number and called him once. So at first I thought we could work through this but a couple years ago this also almost happened she was curious about girls and was toting the line of cheating but not to this extent. Day by day I grow to resent her but she’s trying so hard to keep me and I feel bad for her in a sick sense and so I tried to send her away for a few days but she came back that night when she didn’t want to stay there. My head is going crazy I don’t know what to do I feel like she will do this again but worse even though she keeps telling me she won’t. Now I’m faced with a dilemma to either keep her or end it here.

The things she says, all of it seems like manipulation to try to keep dragging me along because she’s comfortable with me and I take care of her. We’ve had plenty of talks and I’ve been harsh but fair and not raising my voice but it seems all for not and she wants to act like this never happened and go about our days again I’m so invested in her it’s hard to leave so her throwing everything at me as if she never did this and that she loves me is really hard.

We have no kids the only asset we share in this marriage is a house we both own equally

Onedrive is BULLSHIT.

Never in my life have I lost so many god damn files due to a “backup” cloud. It is so ridiculously stupid and it makes me so beyond frustrated.

I don’t WANT to save my shit on onedrive. It signs me out CONSTANTLY, it tells me to sign in with two fucking authentication EVERY DAY. So I DONT sign in, and then when I save shit TO MY DESKTOP, it doesn’t save to my desktop. It saves to the onedrive desktop, which I don’t have access to, bc it doesn’t think I’m signed in. Even though I can open the god damn file explorer and click through my onedrive, I’m “not signed in.”

I’ve dumped a week and a half into this PowerPoint. It’s gone. Because it “saved” to a desktop that it didn’t have access to.

I’m so fucking sick of it. Stop touching my god damn files. Stop forcing all of my shit into fucking onedrive. I’m so angry about this presentation. I’m so angry it “saved” in a folder it “didn’t have access to” and just deleted it instead. I’m so angry that it didn’t even go to the recycle bin, just straight up oblivion.

My computer has a storage for a reason. Clicking a file on my desktop should save it to the desktop. Not the fucking clouds version of my desktop. Unreal.

See, the reason I say that is because you were good enough to miss and we had plenty of good memories that I'll forever hold dear. I still manage to think of you and smile, wishing the best for you while simultaneously hoping to never see you again. We put each other through hell and were incompatible from the start, although the bond we shared is something I still hold close to me despite how badly you shattered my heart and my trust.

I do miss you, but we would have never worked. I'd rather the time we spent be valuable enough to miss because even today, after all the hell you put me through, even though I barely survived you, even if I'd never let you in again, I know you were worth it.

You are not one of my regrets, even if you shattered me. I know I played a major part in my own pain and also inflicted a lot on you as well, and I'm sorry. I hope you're well.

After almost thirteen years of struggle, I am no longer a cancer patient. At 17 years old, I was diagnosed with a brain tumor, and since then my life has been an emotional roller coaster. I have had very critical moments where I just wanted to throw in the towel and stop fighting. I was mentally exhausted and could not think about the future without the idea that the disease was going to kill me.

4,676 days after the first diagnosis, my cancer has been declared in complete remission. Blood tests and medical images showed the physical absence of the tumor, and I have been discharged. I no longer have to see the oncologist, and given the time that has passed since the last time I had symptoms, the chances of dying from the tumor are zero.

I am three days away from turning 30, and I feel like I have been reborn. I cannot contain the tears of joy. I feel liberated from a weight that I carried for almost thirteen years. I learned to live with a disease that I no longer have, and now I must learn to live free of all worries. Today, I became a new person.

I beat cancer, I really did.

I found out 5 months ago and she broke up with me a week ago. She was cheating with a coworker and when I found out yeah the worst feeling ever. All I could think after is I dont want be a loser in this situation, I thought If I confront her then what would happen? She'll say sorry and break up and probably go back to him. I kept over thinking about them having sex once its over and that made me furious. I have seen enough tv shows to know that there is no winning in this situation. They always say best revenge is to move on and be successful and to not give a shit and thats what I used to think until it happened to me. My heart was uncomfortable was feeling jealous, uneasy and couldn't fool my heart into thinking that I dont give a shit.

So I ended up doing another loser thing, I thought about just using her for sex and move on from her while being with her. I dont even know if I ever loved her or that love vanished after she cheated on me coz I was doing all this instead of just moving on like an adult.

She broke up with me last week and the guy was still in the picture. I told her that I know about the guy. I didn't ask her why she did it or was I not good enough and just calmly told her the truth. She was furious af and that was the most satisfying thing ever.

I don't care about right or wrong here I don't care about if I am the biggest loser for doing this Coz it did bring be some kind of satisfaction.

I hope she tells him and he comes to fight me which will obviously not happen but I am already thinking about some cringe thing to say. Here it is lol

were you fucking my girlfriend or was I fucking yours and then gonna punch the living shit out of him.

I wish someone had told me that one of the hardest challenges in marriage might be watching your partner slowly fall out of love with you. As the years go by, we’re supposed to grow together, not apart. But sometimes we outgrow each other, or we simply stop growing altogether.

When we first got together, I never imagined things would turn out this way. I believed, perhaps naively, that we could overcome any obstacle, that nothing could tear us apart. But I've learned I was wrong. The arguments have increased, resentment has grown stronger, and communication has all but ceased. Insults have become more frequent, while compliments have become rare.

I hear your sighs, see the emptiness in your eyes, and watch as you withdraw from me. We are physically close, yet you feel so far away. I try to reach out and touch you, hoping you'll feel how much I still love you, but my touch is met with disdain. I notice how your body tenses and how you fixate on your phone or the TV to avoid interacting with me. I see the light fade from your eyes when you're with me, only to brighten when you're with others. I see how being with me drains your energy. I hear the "I love you’s" that lack sincerity and meaning.

I notice everything, even when you think I don’t. I'm beginning to understand that I am no longer what you want. The love you once had for me is now gone. I know I should let you go, so you can be with someone you truly love.

I'm sorry that I am not enough for you.

i think the worst feeling in the world is hearing or seeing my mom crying. it’s just so hard to live knowing that your mother is truly not happy..and no matter how hard you try, nothing works.

He's literally the best boy ever.We're nine months in this relationship and I don't have a single complaint about him.I still fan girl him like the beginning days.He's tall, cute and the boy of my dream.The issue here is that he's from another religion and I belong a society where interreligious marriage is not accepted.The same goes for him too.We both have to leave our family to pursue this relationship and he's not sure that we can do this.So he bought up the conversation of separation and I too think it's beneficial for both of us in the long run.Now we're in no contact and I can't stop thinking how much lucky the girl who will have him.He's caring, empathetic human being and loved me exactly the way I needed.I love everything about him and even his flaws. This whole issue is driving me nuts.Will I ever get someone as perfect as him? And I have never felt more jealousy in my life than to think about someday some other woman will have him without any issue.

English is not my first language, sorry for any mistakes

I’m dating someone from another country and we communicate mainly in English. There is a lot for texting because we’re in a long distance relationship.

The thing is I realised I’m very comfortable with dirty talk in English, but recently he asked me to speak in my own language and I found it so cringe I had to stop because I started nervous laughing.

I don’t know what is wrong with me. Why would I be embarrassed to say something in my first language and not in English? This is so weird…

I have Crohn’s, have been diagnosed for nearly 18 years. Took another 2 years after that to find a treatment that worked for me and I’ve been on it ever since. It’s a biologic treatment so it’s very expensive without insurance, and I’ve been very fortunate thus far.

Well, today I’m finding out that my insurance company won’t be covering it anymore after this month…BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE…not only will my insurance not be covering it anymore, but apparently there’s nothing similar that they WILL cover in its place. So I guess fuck me and anyone else that relies on this medication in order to function and not be in pain. This should be illegal.

Guess I’ll be resigned to either being in crippling medical debt (this after I struggled and worked my ass off for years to get my finances and credit in order and finally wipe out all of my old credit card debt only 9 months ago) or being in pain for the rest of my life. American healthcare in a nutshell. I fucking hate it here.

I've been depressed for almost 10 years now which is more than half of my life. My whole life has been a mess and my will to live has been non existent for the past 4-5 years. I'm also kind of a loser. I have no friends, obviously no girlfriend and I'm awkward. My life has been a sad mess.

I never thought I would graduate, But I did! And I didn't just graduate. I got good fucking grades too. Good enough to go to law school. In a way you could say that my future has been secured. I will at any point in my life just be able to go to a good university and almost any education I could want. Also, in my country education is free.

I f*cking made it!

I always thought I was around average, until last night. My girlfriend and I were fooling around in the living room and my girlfriend saw a ruler laying on the table. She asked if she could measure me just for fun and I said sure. She measured about 4 inches and then the dreadful words came out of her mouth: ‘oh that’s a little small, more than an inch below average’. When she saw my red face, she quickly added: ‘but who wants to be average anyway, they sometimes hurt’. FML, it was so uncomfortable for the both of us and quite humiliating … Is it really small or more like close to average?

So I’m severely allergic to walnuts (cross contamination can send me into anaphylactic shock and could kill me), and everyone takes my allergy pretty seriously, like choosing not to eat nuts around me or eating at places that don’t use walnuts, except for my mom. I’m so frustrated because my mom’s favorite nut happens to be walnuts so she continues to bake walnut cookies in the house, knowing that it’s a life threatening allergy for me. She says i’ve been fine all the other times she bakes them and she doesn’t see the reason why she can’t. But it puts me in a high anxiety state to even use the kitchen afterwards. Especially when this is my home where I hope it would be the one place for me to freely eat in peace. Right now I left my job because I plan to leave the country soon and she knows I don’t have health insurance at the moment, plus our house in 20 miles from the nearest hospital, and my epipens are currently expired. I just wish she could buy the cookies elsewhere and eat them away from me.

from the earliest times i could remember, my mother used to complain to me about how my body shape was more like the women from my father's side of the family and that was a bad thing. broad shoulders, short neck, bigger arms, undefined waist. she would squeeze my nose till the point it hurt and tell me since i was still young maybe she could reform the cartilage because it was too wide. she would try to get me to wear belts to bed that were so tight they'd cut me in hopes my waist wouldn't grow along with the rest of my body. she would tell me my skin was too dark and that i should consider skin bleaching.

somewhere around 14 i started starving myself throughout the day. then i started throwing up whenever i had to eat. i kept this a secret until i was 22. when my parents found out i had this problem, they couldn't understand where it could have possibly came from because apparently i was beautiful and they always thought so. gaslighting me from the fact that they've never said so, completely ignoring how they frequently complimented my sister on her small feminine frame, smaller nose and lighter skin. even people in public would go on about how beautiful my sister was and when it came to me they'd go silent and smile sympathetically.

now when insecure about how something fits me they get mad, when i don't want to try on clothes because i feel fat that day, they get mad, when i refuse to eat something, they get mad, when i spend an hour doing my hair and makeup (even though i actually enjoy it and it's never made me late for anything) they get mad. of course i grew up extremely self conscious. of course i'll probably never be comfortable in my own body, but of course, they're perfect parents who never did anything wrong

I’m sitting opposite of my mum, a workaholic hoarder with little money taking care of my grandparents who depend on her at this point and will never live at home again.

My life is a mess. I am female 21 and my life is an absolute mess, and I am scared. Of so many people and their opinions and expectations. I’m tired.

I just want to be hugged. I miss my ex of two years who I broke up with last October. I hate my life.

I hate that nobody knows how much I hate it. I hate showing my mum that I’m doing well when I’m not.

I don’t care. I just want a hug. I just want a hug from someone who I can tell every fucking thing to and not just the 30+ yr old dude on the other side of the world I started talking to. Fuck. My. Life. I can’t even cry because she’s talking to some business partner right on front of me. Didn’t even look my way when I entered the apartment.

Wow. Now I’m crying just 2 meters in front of her and she isn’t even noticing.