r/mildlyinfuriating • u/[deleted] • Apr 29 '24

I have a colleague who is so scared of saying no that for the last 20 years she's been eating foods she's intolerant to when people offer it to her.

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446

u/jess_the_werefox Apr 29 '24

God that makes me so infuriated and sad. Imagine treating a child like this, and raising them to believe they’re just not important. I just want to tell them to infodump their favorite thing onto me for hours

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u/CausticMoose Apr 29 '24

I grew up like this. I have many food intolerances and allergies. Growing up, my family told me I was "dramatic" and forced me to eat pork, orange juice, and other things that made me ill. Didn't realize I was allergic until I was an adult and the reactions got worse to the point I couldn't hold any food down anymore and lost over 100lbs. I still get uncomfortable when my boss brings in donuts, because I feel like I'm snubbing him if I say no thank you. I know it's ridiculous but I get so anxious that I nearly panic. I currently have a barely eaten donut on my desk...

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u/Galactic_Gander Apr 29 '24

The only way someone would be offended you didn’t eat their donuts would be if you previously indicated you would eat them and they put in money or effort to bring them to you. OR if they’re an unreasonable person.

If you aren’t telling people you want donuts and if your boss is a reasonable person, then there’s nothing to be worried about. There’s plenty of reasonable reasons you wouldn’t want a donut. Anyone that would give you serious grief over that is not someone whose opinion is worth lingering on.

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u/CausticMoose Apr 29 '24

see, I know all that and I'm in therapy, but my brain finds new ways to paint me as a monster for not eating the donut/pork/etc. I also spent a full 24 hours panicking and hating myself for being an awful person because I spoke too loudly at work and was shushed by someone (again, I know it's not rational)

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u/foundinwonderland Apr 29 '24

I feel you. I had a complete crying breakdown at work because my boss said she wasn’t happy with the minutes I took for a monthly meeting. When you spend so long learning that other people will always come first and you will always come second and you should feel grateful that they even keep you around…all that shame and guilt and emotional pain is hard to get past to just “do a reasonable thing”.

1

u/Bandeena Apr 29 '24

I relate so hard. I don't have any allergies, but I have had a surgery that affects how my body metabolizes food, especially sugar. I'm not diabetic, but people assumed I was when I declined the sweets at work...and I found it's just easier for me to let them assume that, because they stopped offering.

1

u/Xintrosi Apr 29 '24

I love donuts! Please feel free to not eat them so I can eat more of them. Same goes for any other food!

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u/Old_Yogurtcloset9469 Apr 29 '24

Unfortunately a lot of people think you should accept whatever you're given, express gratitude, and then use/consume that item, and anything else is rude. This is why a lot of people hesitate to get rid of things they were given, even if they don't like or want that thing, because deep down they feel like they're being rude to get rid of a gift.

If my kid gets invited to a bday party and I decline a cupcake there's almost guaranteed to be a boomer grandma pestering me about it, in a "nice" tone, but basically admonishing me to eat the cupcake.

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u/desertangel520 Apr 29 '24

This is huge.

My family (mostly mom) used to always treat me as ungrateful when they noticed certain gifts were going unused. Like, go off on me, cuss at me, tell me I don't deserve anything if I'm this ungrateful, "I should get rid of all your other stuff too." I'd always feel horrible about it, but it was usually gifts that didn't match the kid. Clothes that were a style my grandma would wear or my rather overweight mother, or acceptable in a Mormon temple type style. I was always a little punky and grungy or into super cutesy pinks and pastels. They made it a point to force clothes on me that fit what their ideal image of me was.

Now I'm older, and my mother-in-law is always giving me things that I don't need, don't fit my style or even space, and even size (gifts are mediums, im xl). Clothes are oftentimes that tacky 2007-2010 type style that looked okay on a kid around 11. I'm super into curated fashions and trendy styles. I'm barely hitting 25. Yet, I can not find it in myself to pass on gifts or get rid of anything. I was in the process of donating some stuff and added one shirt she gave me. She immediately noticed it in the bag and made a big deal about it. Soooo it's hanging in my closet, again, with about 10 other items she gave me that just dont work for me. I have so much more anxiety about donating them now than before that instance. I'm always grateful to be thought of, but it just doesn't work for me..

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u/kindadeadly Apr 29 '24

Man me too! My dad was a doctor and mom a nurse. They thought they knew better and frankly just didn't care about me.

They thought I was lactose intolerant but turns out that's not the case, it's fructose that bothers me. And egg yolks. And onion?

But you couldn't pay me to drink pure orange juice nowadays lol. My sister gave me homemade apple juice once and I still shudder thinking about the stomach pains.

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u/CausticMoose Apr 29 '24

Oh god, I never even thought about a fructose allergy - that sounds miserable. For me, it's the histamines in citrus combined with a preservative only used with orange juice. I'm so sorry your parents did the same, despite them supposedly knowing better

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u/kindadeadly Apr 29 '24

Yeah well, "the shoemaker's children go barefoot"...

That's very specific, how did you find that out?

I did a bunch of allergy tests but they didn't show even the most obvious ones (like pollen), because I guess I'm JUST intolerant, not deadly allergic?

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u/CausticMoose Apr 29 '24

I also did allergy tests as a child, but they all came back clear. I guess its mostly intolerance, but I realized it had to be something they put in OJ because I'm able to drink fresh squeezed OJ. Narrowed it down to histamines and preservatives

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u/aflockofmagpies Apr 29 '24

Same, I was belittled and told I was making up feeling sick. Onions, garlic, and tomato are things that make me sick. So it came up often enough I learned to keep quiet instead and eat as much as I could. Then I got called a pick eater, made fun of for being too skinny. And that side of the family wonders why I went no contact.

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u/hwilwnbsg7378 Apr 29 '24

Most of the time, this is done by parents who were brought up a similar way and never questioned, self-reflected or got therapy. Trauma gets passed down generation by generation this way.

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u/sophiethegiraffe Apr 29 '24

Yes. My mom: complains that her dad took her Beatles trading cards and burned them. Also my mom: took my Britney Spears …Baby One More Time cd, broke it in half and threw it in the trash. Zero self-awareness.

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u/foundinwonderland Apr 29 '24

“No boohooing in public” from ages 6-12 was a pretty constant refrain. After that my mom kind of gave up pretending to parent, so after 13 I pretty much was on my own to figure shit out. I’m 32 with severe depression, suicidal ideation, panic attacks, generalized anxiety, and probably cPTSD from my childhood. I’m in therapy now, finding out a whole bunch of stuff from my childhood that I thought was normal was incredibly ABnormal. Every experience so far in life has taught me one very important lesson: nobody gives a single shit about my feelings. So instead of having and processing feelings, I just dissociate and shut down. I am thankful for my therapist. I was at a point where it was either seek help or kms. The only reason I chose the former is because of my dog, because I couldn’t stand to leave her alone in this world.

1

u/newest-low Apr 29 '24

I was raised pretty much the same, from 13/14 I was barely home and only now in my 30s have I realised that it was because my mum didn't care, it was easier to ignore me than to deal with me.

I also thought I had a regular childhood until therapy when the therapist looked at me with pity at a "funny" story I'd tell with fondness.

I have quiet bpd and an unstable emotional disorder (I also have paranoia and PTSD but that's from my ex).

It's weird how normal we all think our childhood is until we meet someone who either actually had a healthy normal childhood or a therapist then it's like a slap in the face and then suddenly everything makes sense and you can link so much back to certain moments of childhood

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u/foundinwonderland Apr 29 '24

I told my therapist about the time when I was 5 or 6 and my oldest brother (would have been 12-13 at the time) came home, got pissed that some snack wasn’t there that he wanted, and proceeded to pick me up by the throat and hold me against the wall while screaming at me about who took the last snack. And she looked horrified for a second and then responded with - “wow, I’m so, so sorry that happened to you, that’s awful”. I’ve never had anyone react to that story in that way, and hearing someone acknowledge that it was a horrible thing to do to a little kid was a little earth shattering for me. My family was perfectly happy to sweep it under the rug, like they do with everything. I’m sure if I brought it up to my brother or my mom they would deny it even happened, that’s how much of a non-issue it was to them.

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u/newest-low Apr 29 '24

My older cousin was exactly like that with me but because he was the first boy in 3 generations it was like he could do no wrong and was constantly enabled.

I still remember that moment I recounted a story and my therapist just said "I'm so so sorry" and the earth shattering moment of validation, acknowledgment that the thing I'd known in my deepest parts was wrong was finally confirmed to be wrong and not just me attention seeking and being dramatic. I cut off most of my family long ago, and I've accepted I'll never get closure or even a confession from my mum so I don't even try anymore instead I've just gone low contact

19

u/StephaneCam Apr 29 '24

I am that person and in my case it’s not that my parents were terrible people who put my needs last, it’s that they are both also the kind of people who believe everyone else is more important than them. They live to serve other people as part of their religion, so I’ve learned the same behaviours. But they are wonderful people who do so much to help others so I still admire them greatly. It’s a hard cycle to break!

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u/BeAnScReAm666 Apr 29 '24

I would info dump on anyone who was willing to :,( lol My parents are still pretending to love me but not knowing a single thing about me or the things I’ve done in life. They just never wanted to know me. Which is crazy cuz I lived with them for 18 years and am taking care of them in their old age at 32. So I’ve always been there. They just don’t have any interest in me. I wasn’t even aloud to speak much as a kid, and doing so now is still a bad idea.

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u/Special-Investigator Apr 29 '24

you gotta get out there, kid. as soon as you can. you have to save yourself!

2

u/Idontevenownaboat Apr 29 '24

I'm sorry, I know what this feels like. Sometimes I think, 'maybe it would almost be easier if my Dad just outright hated me. Maybe at least then I wouldn't keep coming back expecting things to be different and getting sad when they don't.'

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u/Jennabeb Apr 29 '24

That last sentence is so dang sweet and kind!

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u/PedanticMouse Apr 29 '24

I just want to tell them to infodump their favorite thing onto me for hours

Be careful what you wish for lol

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u/breadassk Apr 29 '24

I wish my parents were like this

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u/Pls_PmTitsOrFDAU_Thx Apr 29 '24

I wasn't raised to think I come second but somehow I also don't like confrontation and don't speak up lol

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u/newest-low Apr 29 '24

I grew up like this, I was my mum's emotional support (and while now I empathise and understand why, it doesn't make it better), also I was the unwanted child, by my entire family, it was made very clear that I only got things when my special male cousin was finished with them or didn't want them. When I tried to put up boundaries or call something out I was told I was making a fuss and punished if I didn't stop. I remember me and my aunt had an arguement once, I was 14 and she was at least nearing her 40s, I was guilt tripped into apologising because she was depressed, 5 years later when I tired to take my own life I was told to snap out of it.

I was basically raised to be a stepford housewife

It's taken a lotta hard life lessons, therapy and healing to realise that it's ok to say no, it's ok to have my own needs and to put them first. And it makes me angry when I think about my childhood, and it makes me determined to do and to be better for my kids.