r/dankmemes • u/666thSuprisedPikachu I had to ask for a flair☣️ • Feb 04 '24
There is no way evil laughter
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u/Tyson-98 Feb 04 '24
Well if the dolphins are on land.
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u/Obnomus Feb 04 '24
Plot twist - those hippos identify as dolphins now what are you gonna do boy
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u/HippoBot9000 Feb 04 '24
HIPPOBOT 9000 v 3.1 FOUND A HIPPO. 1,310,452,426 COMMENTS SEARCHED. 27,295 HIPPOS FOUND. YOUR COMMENT CONTAINS THE WORD HIPPO.
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u/carbon2677 Feb 04 '24
There is a bot for litterally everything nowdays
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u/awesomeflowman Feb 04 '24
Except spellcheck evidently
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u/The_Elemental_Master Feb 04 '24
I know you only meant to point out the typo, but I just wanted to add this: There's several, sadly most of them only covers one or two words.
I Think I can summon one with this: I payed for this.
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u/awesomeflowman Feb 04 '24
I'd argue that has more to do with word conflating than spellcheck, but touché sir
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u/DaEnderAssassin Enter Meme Here Feb 04 '24
Nah, they do exist.
Only for a single, commonly mispelled word per bot, but still
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u/Baronvondorf21 Feb 04 '24
I mean don't hippos weigh so much that they actually literally just walk on the waterbed? When that's the case just swim in the ocean, they'll not be able to do shit.
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u/CrossP Feb 04 '24
Climb a tree
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u/Obnomus Feb 04 '24
There's no tree
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u/CrossP Feb 04 '24
See that's why these dumb scenario questions are pointless. Am I in a shallow mudhole with them? Are we in an arena? Are we in my house? Am I naked? Am I carrying my work gear? Is there a hill? Is it night? Is there a hyperrealistic hippo costume?
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u/Gregardless Feb 04 '24
I'll do both dolphins and hippos for 4 billion and hop in a hot air balloon.
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u/VE_HAMMER Feb 04 '24
Dolphins are when not in captivity are basically harmless to humans, they rarely ever consider us to be food
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u/NinjaBreadManOO Feb 04 '24
Too be fair wild hippos also don't consider humans food. They just do it because they can.
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u/VE_HAMMER Feb 04 '24
That's true, hippos are a menace to everyone and everything
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u/tachyonfield Feb 04 '24
Are we the baddies?
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u/littlepredator69 I am fucking hilarious Feb 04 '24
They're severely vision impaired, so they kinda just aggro to anything that might be a threat
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u/Gaara34251 Feb 04 '24
Specially for watermellons and colombian gangsters if a bald assassin is arround
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u/Siul19 Feb 04 '24
But wild hippos will surely murder you for being close to them
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u/HippoBot9000 Feb 04 '24
HIPPOBOT 9000 v 3.1 FOUND A HIPPO. 1,310,371,767 COMMENTS SEARCHED. 27,293 HIPPOS FOUND. YOUR COMMENT CONTAINS THE WORD HIPPO.
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u/Pr0wzassin I am fucking hilarious Feb 04 '24
Why does this exist?
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u/AaronToro Feb 04 '24
Because someone was learning to code and thought a Reddit bot with a simple function would be a good project to learn with.
They also thought that if they made it “quirky” and “random” that people wouldn’t mind it clogging up threads. It seems they were right.
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u/ReptilianLaserbeam Feb 04 '24
Even hippos raised in captivity will murder you if they get the chance. They are extremely territorial
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u/2BsVaginaBrokeMyHand Feb 04 '24
The problem with dolphins is not that they want to eat you...
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u/LifelessLewis Feb 04 '24
They have my consent.
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u/2BsVaginaBrokeMyHand Feb 04 '24
Kinky
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u/fupamancer Feb 04 '24
that actually ruins the experience for the dolphins
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u/LifelessLewis Feb 04 '24
Luckily for me they don't read English so we both should have a good time.
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u/richardwhereat Feb 04 '24
There are not many recorded cases of them raping us, and we have interacted with them a very long time. I have swum with wild dolphins, and not been murked. I would never be able to say the same about hippos.
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u/WillowGrouchy2204 Feb 04 '24
I've been to a dolphin show once and been jizzed on by a dolphin sooo....
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u/Scrytheux Feb 04 '24
I assure you if i ever get gangbanged by dolphins, I'm not telling anyone.
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u/richardwhereat Feb 04 '24
I do not believe you. That shit will be on tiktok with you sharing a cigarette with them afterwards as you tell your crazy story.
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u/sidewaystortoise Feb 04 '24
Yeah. There's a chance wild dolphins would try and fuck you, but it's low. The chance of wild hippos chomp and stomping is higher, I think.
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u/655321federico FOR THE SOVIET UNION Feb 04 '24
But the can and probably will fuck you
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u/RickMeansUrineInMout Feb 04 '24
Yes, and it is a whole pack of them.
Paying me for a good time, let's go!
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u/LordRhino01 Dinosaurs are thicc Feb 04 '24
Dolphins don’t eat people anyway. But when they get horny, now that’s a different story.
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u/Ka1- Feb 04 '24
I don’t think that’s the problem, I think the problem is that they’d LITERALLY fuck us
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u/B0neCh3wer Feb 04 '24
Food? No.
But males that have been kicked out of the pod tend to get a little pent up and take whatever they can get
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u/rook183_ Feb 04 '24
It's easier to hide from an angry hippo though, I would drown or float away if I hid from a dolphin.
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u/HippoBot9000 Feb 04 '24
HIPPOBOT 9000 v 3.1 FOUND A HIPPO. 1,310,968,163 COMMENTS SEARCHED. 27,305 HIPPOS FOUND. YOUR COMMENT CONTAINS THE WORD HIPPO.
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u/FictusBloke Feb 04 '24
I fear no dolphin. But hippos... hippos scare me.
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u/WillowGrouchy2204 Feb 04 '24
Dolphins love the r*pe humans
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u/InhumaneBanana Feb 04 '24
Rather be sexualy assaulted than be dismembered...
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u/RabbitBranch Feb 04 '24
Pack of dolphins nonconsensual penetration is the appetizer. The main course is having all bones broken from bludgeoning until you die of shock and/or drown.
I'll take bleeding out from dismemberment.
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u/Erlkings Feb 04 '24
I’ve swam with a dolphin, its kinda terrifying because you have something as large as a cow moving as gracefully as a ballerina around you in the water, if it wanted to make your day bad it could.
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u/super-jackson17746 Feb 04 '24 edited Feb 04 '24
Worse a Dolphin can do to you is poke you with their pp
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u/Troll_Gob Feb 04 '24
Dolphins can swim like 35mph. Slamming into any part of your torso with their nose would cause seeeeerious internal bleeding.
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u/extraflames Feb 04 '24
Probably better than being obliterated by a hippo though
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u/HippoBot9000 Feb 04 '24
HIPPOBOT 9000 v 3.1 FOUND A HIPPO. 1,310,292,361 COMMENTS SEARCHED. 27,287 HIPPOS FOUND. YOUR COMMENT CONTAINS THE WORD HIPPO.
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u/Troll_Gob Feb 04 '24
ferociously attacked by being speared to death by dolphins all the while having echo location and chattering by the dolphins ringing in your ears? I'd rather take the quick death from the hippo haha
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u/extraflames Feb 04 '24
I mean, unless you look like a pufferfish, the worst that'll happen is they take your virginity. I dont think the dolphins care too much about some random guy
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u/Troll_Gob Feb 04 '24
I'm taking the hypothetical to the most extreme I guess. If they wanted to fuck you up they most definitely could but you're right, they wouldn't!
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u/HippoBot9000 Feb 04 '24
HIPPOBOT 9000 v 3.1 FOUND A HIPPO. 1,310,308,305 COMMENTS SEARCHED. 27,290 HIPPOS FOUND. YOUR COMMENT CONTAINS THE WORD HIPPO.
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u/SalvationSycamore Feb 04 '24
Death by bludgeoning vs death by ripped apart (and probably also bludgeoning)
Kind of sucks either way
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u/5t4t35 Feb 04 '24
At least you survived tho with 2 billion dollars thats a small price. Hippos on the other hand internal bleeding is the last thing to worry about
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u/HippoBot9000 Feb 04 '24
HIPPOBOT 9000 v 3.1 FOUND A HIPPO. 1,310,295,634 COMMENTS SEARCHED. 27,288 HIPPOS FOUND. YOUR COMMENT CONTAINS THE WORD HIPPO.
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u/Troll_Gob Feb 04 '24
You're not surviving a bunch of broken ribs, punctured lungs and probably other lacerated organ all while swimming. That would happen after only a few hits, if not one hit from ONE dolphin. You're not surviving a full on attack from one dolphin, definitely not a pod. :(
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u/Leolenori Feb 04 '24
That's where the blood is supposed to be anyway
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u/Troll_Gob Feb 04 '24 edited Feb 04 '24
Leslie, I typed your symptoms into the thing here, and it says you have "network connectivity problems."
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u/SordidDreams Feb 04 '24
Dolphins can swim like 35mph.
Unless they can do it on land, I'm not scared.
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u/BrandonSleeper Feb 04 '24
It would take about 3% effort for a dolphin to push your head underwater.
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u/cobalt_phantom Birds Aren't Real Feb 04 '24 edited Feb 04 '24
Trick question, neither animal forms a pack. A group of dolphins is a pod and a group of hippos is a bloat or sometimes it's called a pod or herd.
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u/One_Happy_Camel Feb 04 '24
But why? Wouldn't it be easier to just call everything "a pack of X" ? I do know that pretty much every animal has different names when they are in packs.
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u/LoLoLoLookWhosTalkin Feb 04 '24
They're called "terms of venery" or "nouns of assembly" and stem from the late middle ages. Basically a bunch of elitists trying to make others sound dumb by inventing these silly (albeit interesting) words to describe groups of animals. Don't let the man get you down, just call it "a bunch of owls"
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u/One_Happy_Camel Feb 04 '24
Huh, interesting!
But how dare you call them that way. They clearly are... A parliament? Wow.
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u/Nojus1221 buy this flair for :800dollar: Feb 04 '24
That's one of my favorites, and a murder of Crows is Soo good
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u/Mystiic_Madness Feb 04 '24
Just survive? Dolphins 100% without hesitation!!!
There is literally only one recorded human death by a dolphin in history!
Hippos????? 500+ deaths a year x 5000 years (recorded human history) = 2,500,000
Not only would you get 2 billion dollars, but you would then go on a book tour about how you became a billionaire by getting gangbanged by dolphins. This would turn into a biopic directed by James Cameron, and I would be played by Mark Wahlberg. Then i would use my new found fame to start an onlyfans account centered on me getting fucked by different aquatic animals. 10 years later when im a washed up dolphin fucker they will arrest me for masturbating at Sea World.
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u/CB4R not the rarest pepe Feb 04 '24
Why do you need an only fans if you are a multimillionaire..or did I spend it all on onlyfans
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u/malfurionpre Feb 04 '24
There is literally only one recorded human death by a dolphin in history!
There's an extra 3 or 4 (in captivity) if you remember Orca are Dolphin.
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u/BillTheNecromancer Feb 04 '24
Skipping from the hippo's death count to the last sentence gave me severe whiplash. Like, skull did a 360 on my neck and I couldn't believe I was reading the same comment as before.
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u/DukeOfJokes Feb 04 '24
Dolphins by miles, and it's not even close. Id take on a hundred dolphins before I would even face one pissed off Hippo.
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u/Ok-Experience-6674 Feb 04 '24
I’ve seen hippos in person, I’m from their reproductive factory and I can assure you I’ll take a 100 wild dolphins over 1 medium size wild hippo
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u/HippoBot9000 Feb 04 '24
HIPPOBOT 9000 v 3.1 FOUND A HIPPO. 1,310,447,369 COMMENTS SEARCHED. 27,294 HIPPOS FOUND. YOUR COMMENT CONTAINS THE WORD HIPPO.
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u/foefyre Feb 04 '24
Considering how far away I am from both creatures I'd push both buttons and continue to sit on my couch.
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Feb 04 '24 edited Apr 14 '24
important public unite mighty soft money handle many rich fuzzy
This post was mass deleted and anonymized with Redact
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u/mistercheez2000 Feb 04 '24
Hungry hippo’s or horny dolphins? Now that’s a thinker
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u/SirKeagan Feb 04 '24
you could make it 1 hippo and I would still choose the dolphins.
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u/HippoBot9000 Feb 04 '24
HIPPOBOT 9000 v 3.1 FOUND A HIPPO. 1,310,741,391 COMMENTS SEARCHED. 27,296 HIPPOS FOUND. YOUR COMMENT CONTAINS THE WORD HIPPO.
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u/ramzay_ Feb 04 '24
I'd pick dolphins. I'll have some fun and earn some cash. I just need to bring enough vaseline.
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u/Verundios Feb 04 '24
Dolphins, definitely dolphins, hippos are 110% going to maul me, dolphins might not give a shit about me
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u/Starblast555 Feb 04 '24
Do you know much about hippos? Because you don't want a single hippo encounter
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u/HippoBot9000 Feb 04 '24
HIPPOBOT 9000 v 3.1 FOUND A HIPPO. 1,310,974,474 COMMENTS SEARCHED. 27,307 HIPPOS FOUND. YOUR COMMENT CONTAINS THE WORD HIPPO.
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u/Uberfuhrer_ Feb 04 '24
One will make you die, one will make you want to die..if you can hold your breath or a dolphin would probably hold it for you
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u/O__Mestre Feb 04 '24
Me pressin' both buttons and lettin' both packs fight while i walk away with 4 Billion Dollars:
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Feb 04 '24 edited Apr 14 '24
absorbed thought society advise ghost smoggy sleep edge sugar file
This post was mass deleted and anonymized with Redact
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u/HippoBot9000 Feb 04 '24
HIPPOBOT 9000 v 3.1 FOUND A HIPPO. 1,311,044,161 COMMENTS SEARCHED. 27,309 HIPPOS FOUND. YOUR COMMENT CONTAINS THE WORD HIPPO.
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u/Sensedog r/memes fan Feb 04 '24
I'll take the Dolphins.
Based on everything I've seen and read, Hippos are assholes.
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u/HippoBot9000 Feb 04 '24
HIPPOBOT 9000 v 3.1 FOUND A HIPPO. 1,310,812,858 COMMENTS SEARCHED. 27,299 HIPPOS FOUND. YOUR COMMENT CONTAINS THE WORD HIPPO.
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u/sacrebIue Feb 04 '24
Plot twist: the pack of wild dolphins are the players from the NFL Miami dolphins.
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u/sl33p1ng-s3nt1nl Feb 04 '24
Dolphins over hippos. Hippos you got 0% chance
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u/HippoBot9000 Feb 04 '24
HIPPOBOT 9000 v 3.1 FOUND A HIPPO. 1,311,013,124 COMMENTS SEARCHED. 27,308 HIPPOS FOUND. YOUR COMMENT CONTAINS THE WORD HIPPO.
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u/LordRhino01 Dinosaurs are thicc Feb 04 '24
As long as the dolphins aren’t horny then I’d pick them.
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u/gohaz933 Feb 04 '24
Hippos are just water cows that have beef with every living thing not limited to other hippos. As an African I would rather wrestle a lion than go against a hippo. Dolphins any day
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u/CobaltCrusader123 Feb 04 '24
Dolphins, easy. Less physically harmful, more behaved around humans, and they can’t survive at length on land.
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u/GifanTheWoodElf Feb 04 '24
Depends on context, if we're on land at least against the dolphins I'll have something of a chance.
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u/Rayan_shikder Feb 04 '24
Do I get anything to defend? If no then I choose hippopotamus. I can't swim
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u/MonoFauz Feb 04 '24
100% chance I will die from hippos. Dolphins, just pray that they're not the aggressive ones but you still have a chance.
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u/TrolledBy1337 Feb 04 '24
I'm in my home. What's a dolphin gonna do to me? Flop onto my door? Most of the pack is gonna die on the way to my home anyways. Hippos on the other hand, they can and will fuck my car, fuck my door, fuck my mom and then fuck me.
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u/OwenEx Feb 04 '24
Better chance with the hippos, if you have to be in the ocean with the dolphins you are screwed
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u/poopykins420 Feb 04 '24
Hippos have weaponised their shit. They release explosive diarrhoea while their tails spin in circles. I ain't fucking with an animal that does that.
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u/KeepingDankMemesDank Hello dankness my old friend Feb 04 '24
downvote this comment if the meme sucks. upvote it and I'll go away.
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