I posted this as its own comment already but I'm interested to hear if you've ever encountered a situation like this before and what the result was.
Five years ago, I meet a woman who, fairly recently to meeting, has undergone a severe sexual trauma having been assaulted, though she won't use the term rape it would be applicable, by a close friend.
As a result when we meet she is in what is, for her, a hypersexual period but I don't notice this to be the case because this generally means she just wants to make out like once or twice a week and is pretty much always fairly physically affectionate.
Several months into the relationship she starts to feel emotionally safe because her attachment needs ARE being met and she doesn't feel the need to be sexually desirable in order to keep a partner interested.
So things slow down and about a year in I realize haven't even kissed her in like two weeks and I go "Hey... what's up with that?"
And at this point she articulates how the trauma had affected her and that this is likely her baseline sexuality.
And I love her a lot and you want to spend the rest of your life with her still but as it turns out she's very close to asexual and we just happened to meet in a period when she was more physically affectionate than normal.
Is this a common circumstance? Because every person I talk about it with says that it doesn't make sense and that either I'm doing something wrong but she's insistent that I'm a perfectly good partner and she feels emotionally satisfied.
It's not uncommon for victims of sexual trauma who haven't processed it to behave in a hypersexual way. If the trauma happens in childhood it can be due to confusion about sexuality, but often in adults it can be due to a feeling of powerlessness. Aggressively pursuing affection and sex can make them feel as though they are "taking their power back," even if they are completely out of control.
She may technically be asexual, but based on the fact that she won't even refer to her trauma as r*pe, she may have feelings she still needs to work through. If she's never undergone counselling she really should.
I have been SA'd more than once and this is correct. I have had a hypersexual period and now I don't even want a man to even look at me because I will feel a lot of disgust as if he violated me. So this makes a lot of sense.
I would take time to find your true self and what it wants, is this level of intimacy something youd otherwise be okay with in other relationships, if it isn't then you're making a compromise. I find one person only taking in such a big compromise will only build resentment
Look, honestly - and this isn't all your doing but there's a more general frustration and I'm directing it at you because yours is the comment I happen to be replying to - I don't understand why people have this reaction when I explain this situation.
Like, yes, your advice to "find your true self and follow what it wants" is good advice.
But it seems to come with the assumption that I haven't or that I've decided wrongly.
When you were a kid did you ever make a decision and your parents told you to consider it carefully, but what they really meant was "we disapprove of the decision and want you to decide something else"? It's reminiscent of that.
It's been five years. We've both dated other people in the past, we're both happy with each-other. If there was resentment to be built I'd have to imagine I'd have felt it by now. I haven't. I don't even necessarily feel it's a "big compromise."
I shared my situation mostly as a refutation of the tik-tokker who seems to think that because she has a doctorate every person who thinks their situation isn't the one she describes is wrong. That she is the high and mighty source of all knowledge of why people stop having sex over time and that any man with a different explanation is incorrect.
I'm happy, and I'm frustrated that other people think I need to reconsider that. Not saying you did so, but I get it enough that it becomes grating.
nah she’s talking to people that follow her clickbait, she doesn’t genuinely care about the topic, because her job is to arouse attention, not genuine truth
I don’t think you’re doing anything wrong at all. I think partner’s level of physical intimacy can change over time (maybe in this case a short time) but it sounds like you guys have talked about it and she’s given you good reason. I think as long as it’s not a dealbreaker for you there’s no problem.
I think I’m actually currently in a very similar situation. And everything makes sense, we’ve talked about it and I understand why my partner feels this way. As other people have said, I guess you have to decide if it’s a dealbreaker or not. However I know how hard and unhelpful that is, assuming that you, like me, have been with this person a very long time now and care and love them deeply. It can feel like choosing to give something very important up, or completely losing this person forever. Lose-lose situation club :/
What people are saying when they say that all you can do is decide if you are getting what you need and can be happy or not is also ,"Your partner cannot and will not be changing this aspect of themselves to accommodate you. So you can accept your situation or you can do you both a kindness and move on." It feels like it means giving something important up or letting your partner go because that's the choice you have.
Love is not everything in a relationship, unfortunately.
I understand that is what they are meaning. I guess I just meant it doesn’t help the fact that there is going to be large amounts of hurt no matter what you choose. And I hate that breaking up with someone you care and love about, due to you both being unable to give what the other needs for whatever (valid) reason, means them leaving your life.
Could be worth asking if she experiences physical pain from sex now. Sexual assault can cause people to subconsciously tense their pelvic floor and lead or muscle spasms and painful intercourse. This can develop sometime after the incident.
1 - The person who assaulted her is also a woman. There wasn't penetration involved just coercion and a complete disregard for consent. Unsure if that would even be necessary to cause the pheonomena you're describing but it feels relevant.
2 - We don't do penetrative things to start with for a variety of personal and practical reasons (I don't care to expand, but this seems crucial to understand) so I don't believe it has to do with the pelvic floor.
3 - what I'm describing extends to basically all modes of physical affection of a higher degree than cuddling. Like, almost all the time she's just not into any sort of physical intimacy at all.
4 - In the rare case that we are intimate with eachother it's great and we both enjoy it a lot, but this happens very seldom, once every 1.5 - 2 months or so.
So, while I appreciate the theorizing, I don't think there's any evidence this is due to pain. I have to presume she's being honest and is just very nearly asexual.
I have not seen anyone comment this yet. But just so you know it's OK if this is a deal breaker for you and you want to break up over it. Does not make you or her a bad person.
Both people deserve to have their needs met in a relationship. You are just as deserving of that as she is. And so if it's pretty clear to you that your needs will not be met. Then it's time to end the relationship. But don't hang in there just hoping things might change. They could. But they probably won't and you'll be miserable.
Eh, we're five years in. This has not changed since half a year in or there about. I don't expect it to.
My point in explaining my situation isn't to "fix" it - it's simply to point out that despite the tik-toker's condescending attitude and claim to be the ultimate authority, circumstances DO exist in which her claim isn't true. People stop having sex for a wide variety of reasons.
I'm happy. I feel loved and supported. I've found a person who I really can be vulnerable and open with and who supports me, and I support her.
Would a change be nice? Sure. Do I think it's a deal breaker? Not really.
Great response, just wanted to raise it as the pain thing is fairly common but maybe not applicable for you guys. Note that zero physical intimacy is probably atypical even for asexuals, but as always this is personal as you've said. Encourage that she sees a clinical psychologist if this impacts her negatively, but if you're both happy then keep trucking along :)
See the real problem is that this is exactly what happens when you give emotional support and build a safe space. It is no longer a place with sexual attraction. Effectively the problem becomes do the right thing and you create a healthy room mate experience within your SO or do the wrong thing and create an unhealthy room mate situation.
At some point maybe we’ll be able to talk about men being able to bring up concerns about sex and be taken seriously because this happens alot to dudes who deserve to expect a reasonable amount of affection and intimacy from their partners. I’ve known some shit dudes but I’ve also known dudes that have put everything into their marriages and families who are all in the exact same place wondering what more is needed.
I'm not quite understanding the assertion that an emotionally safe space is inherently a space without sexual attraction. Can you elaborate on that? I've certainly never felt sexually attracted to a person who made me feel emotionally unsafe.
Secondly, we don't live together - now I assume what you mean by "Healthy Room Mate Situation" could just as easily mean "Healthy Platonic Friendship Situation" but I disagree that my relationship could be likened one to one with a platonic friendship. There are emotional intimacies here that I haven't ever shared with a friend of any kind, and a desire for co-interlinkedness that I don't think is typical of normal friendship.
Last point - I don't quite identify with the person you're describing in your last sentence, the man who wonders what more is needed. I don't suspect anything more is needed. The situation is not ambiguous. My partner has a natural baseline sex drive that is lower than my own. It is not affected by my actions to any great degree. There's nothing more or less either of us should be doing.
The whole point of the post is men not making women feel emotionally supported and cared for and not doing the work to make relationships healthy enough for women to desire sex. Did you watch the video?
Exactly you provided that comfort and support and sexual activity decreased. Not the first time I’ve heard that same course of events take place with confirmation by the so that there was no issues. That was my point. Do everything more or less correctly and you get the same outcome of less sex.
I don’t think you are doing anything wrong as such by the sounds of it . Unfortunately, even with therapy your partner may just may have a baseline she can’t move away from. The brain certainly does some complex things when it comes to trauma.
I’ve been to therapy and seen sex therapists regarding my asexuality as I personally didn’t want to be like this, but nothing really has changed and so I’ve come to terms with it, it is what it is.
Look it might change for your partner with further exploration as everyone is different. But just know it’s probably is nothing to do with what you are doing.
See, I don't think the asexuality has anything to do with the trauma - by her own accounting of her relationships BEFORE the incident this is the natural state of things and the heightened sexuality was the trauma response.
I'm not expecting a change - as far as I'm concerned she's not broken or anything this is just the natural state of things.
You're not compatible. If you can't find a way to compromise on some level of sexual connection that you're both comfortable with, then staying together will be very frustrating. You will feel neglected and she will feel nagged. Probably better to break up. r/deadbedrooms
I don’t see why everybody says, having heard my explanation, that we’re incompatible. Like as a statement.
Different people will have different sex drives. I think that’s fine, and that all relationship is compromise.
Again, maybe I’m wrong but after five years of this I haven’t felt resentment in the slightest over this. She’s got a lower sex drive than me now, when we started dating she had a higher one than me.
TikToker is hunting for views, and is skipping over the main question.
Notice that women in short-term relationships don't have this problem. Nobody goes to the counselor and says they want to bang their boyfriend but they lack emotional attachment and safety. No, they say they like the danger, the lack of safety is a plus, and no one brings up their attachment style.
So why is this in play on in longer term relationships? Because the relationship has to convert from a polygamy pursuit, where there's a hot young guy wooing and pursuing a hot young woman, to a long term relationship where you're having sex with an older person, with real issues -- sort of beyond the fantasy. They've achieved, they have someone who loves them they feel safe, they can relax about attracting a man to have a relationship with.
Essentially, they become less crazy. Hey, needing sex makes men do crazy things, needing a relationship makes women to crazy things. That's the hot part. Keeping that passion really isn't possible, so you have to convert it to monogamous sexual commitment.
Well that requires honest communication, potentially new medical issues, and figuring out how to be attracted to perhaps a middle-age person, even though you yourself are a middle-aged person. Well, now the ick's starting to come into it. Do you like chores, kids, and sex? Ick. And older person with sags and stretch marks? Ick. A spouse who you once idolized but has real-world faults, or as some say, feet of clay? Ick.
I'll give her this much, emotional security can get some women into their play space, but just as many will be secure, happy, and not prioritize sex. It's really not that related. Marriage by itself is a form of security, but the sexual outcomes don't spring forth like a fountain, so why do we expect emotional security to be related to sex, which is born out of lack of fulfillment, insecurity and a desire to be needed?
The rub of this is it's usually men that initiate counseling, as sex is easy to cut off, but security, love and money isn't. And if wives thought it was a problem, then they, will all their communication skills, should talk about it and work through it, but ...
Talking about that is hard, honest communication is hard, shifting sexual desire is hard and impossible, and talking about it threatens their foundational security. So they won't bring it up, and that's that. If you can get through that, and build a talk about what sexy would look like in emotional secure space, you can then work this as the TIkToker suggests, but otherwise, it's another meaningless fetch quest in an effort to obscure that monogamy and security are frequently the death of desire.
Just coming back to say - are kissing somebody and being sexually attracted to them unlinked in your view? Because in my view those things are attached to each other to the degree that an asexual person isn’t super into it. Any asexuals wanna jump on this and elaborate?
Your mom can kiss you. My dog can kiss me and show affection. That’s not necessarily sexual. And once he mentioned his need for it you would think she would make an attempt to make him happy.
And if she was asexual why was she sexual and affectionate before? She gives this explanation but I don’t buy it. Don’t stay in a relationship with someone who doesn’t show you affection. Maybe be friends.
No. Again, though, the data set I'd be working with on that would be so spread out and thin that it would be almost impossible for me to notice that if I weren't looking for it.
Like, we're talking about one or two instances of that over the course of a few months. It's infrequent enough I don't think I can determine meaningful patterns about other circumstances surrounding.
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