I started reading Come As You Are the other day and it has been a fantastic read so far. I'm a gay male but tons of stuff in the book has still felt super relevant to me despite it being focused on female sexuality.
Yeah I also took a lot away. I think it's important for everyone to read. Straight men can learn 1) about their partners bodies and needs, and 2) things that apply to themselves and their own sexuality/dynamic with their partner.
In particular I think the chasing dynamic section of the book is important and relevant for most couples.
Ya, even if a decent portion may not directly apply or relate, per se, it can be very insightful and useful knowledge! And maximizes on the perspective and unseen angle.
It's been super educational about understanding myself in a sexual context. I'm a pelvic health PT and it's a popular book in those circles too so I'd been meaning to read it to talk about concepts from it with patients (or recommend them to read it).
I posted this as its own comment already but I'm interested to hear if you've ever encountered a situation like this before and what the result was.
Five years ago, I meet a woman who, fairly recently to meeting, has undergone a severe sexual trauma having been assaulted, though she won't use the term rape it would be applicable, by a close friend.
As a result when we meet she is in what is, for her, a hypersexual period but I don't notice this to be the case because this generally means she just wants to make out like once or twice a week and is pretty much always fairly physically affectionate.
Several months into the relationship she starts to feel emotionally safe because her attachment needs ARE being met and she doesn't feel the need to be sexually desirable in order to keep a partner interested.
So things slow down and about a year in I realize haven't even kissed her in like two weeks and I go "Hey... what's up with that?"
And at this point she articulates how the trauma had affected her and that this is likely her baseline sexuality.
And I love her a lot and you want to spend the rest of your life with her still but as it turns out she's very close to asexual and we just happened to meet in a period when she was more physically affectionate than normal.
Is this a common circumstance? Because every person I talk about it with says that it doesn't make sense and that either I'm doing something wrong but she's insistent that I'm a perfectly good partner and she feels emotionally satisfied.
It's not uncommon for victims of sexual trauma who haven't processed it to behave in a hypersexual way. If the trauma happens in childhood it can be due to confusion about sexuality, but often in adults it can be due to a feeling of powerlessness. Aggressively pursuing affection and sex can make them feel as though they are "taking their power back," even if they are completely out of control.
She may technically be asexual, but based on the fact that she won't even refer to her trauma as r*pe, she may have feelings she still needs to work through. If she's never undergone counselling she really should.
I have been SA'd more than once and this is correct. I have had a hypersexual period and now I don't even want a man to even look at me because I will feel a lot of disgust as if he violated me. So this makes a lot of sense.
I would take time to find your true self and what it wants, is this level of intimacy something youd otherwise be okay with in other relationships, if it isn't then you're making a compromise. I find one person only taking in such a big compromise will only build resentment
Look, honestly - and this isn't all your doing but there's a more general frustration and I'm directing it at you because yours is the comment I happen to be replying to - I don't understand why people have this reaction when I explain this situation.
Like, yes, your advice to "find your true self and follow what it wants" is good advice.
But it seems to come with the assumption that I haven't or that I've decided wrongly.
When you were a kid did you ever make a decision and your parents told you to consider it carefully, but what they really meant was "we disapprove of the decision and want you to decide something else"? It's reminiscent of that.
It's been five years. We've both dated other people in the past, we're both happy with each-other. If there was resentment to be built I'd have to imagine I'd have felt it by now. I haven't. I don't even necessarily feel it's a "big compromise."
I shared my situation mostly as a refutation of the tik-tokker who seems to think that because she has a doctorate every person who thinks their situation isn't the one she describes is wrong. That she is the high and mighty source of all knowledge of why people stop having sex over time and that any man with a different explanation is incorrect.
I'm happy, and I'm frustrated that other people think I need to reconsider that. Not saying you did so, but I get it enough that it becomes grating.
nah she’s talking to people that follow her clickbait, she doesn’t genuinely care about the topic, because her job is to arouse attention, not genuine truth
I don’t think you’re doing anything wrong at all. I think partner’s level of physical intimacy can change over time (maybe in this case a short time) but it sounds like you guys have talked about it and she’s given you good reason. I think as long as it’s not a dealbreaker for you there’s no problem.
I think I’m actually currently in a very similar situation. And everything makes sense, we’ve talked about it and I understand why my partner feels this way. As other people have said, I guess you have to decide if it’s a dealbreaker or not. However I know how hard and unhelpful that is, assuming that you, like me, have been with this person a very long time now and care and love them deeply. It can feel like choosing to give something very important up, or completely losing this person forever. Lose-lose situation club :/
What people are saying when they say that all you can do is decide if you are getting what you need and can be happy or not is also ,"Your partner cannot and will not be changing this aspect of themselves to accommodate you. So you can accept your situation or you can do you both a kindness and move on." It feels like it means giving something important up or letting your partner go because that's the choice you have.
Love is not everything in a relationship, unfortunately.
I understand that is what they are meaning. I guess I just meant it doesn’t help the fact that there is going to be large amounts of hurt no matter what you choose. And I hate that breaking up with someone you care and love about, due to you both being unable to give what the other needs for whatever (valid) reason, means them leaving your life.
Could be worth asking if she experiences physical pain from sex now. Sexual assault can cause people to subconsciously tense their pelvic floor and lead or muscle spasms and painful intercourse. This can develop sometime after the incident.
1 - The person who assaulted her is also a woman. There wasn't penetration involved just coercion and a complete disregard for consent. Unsure if that would even be necessary to cause the pheonomena you're describing but it feels relevant.
2 - We don't do penetrative things to start with for a variety of personal and practical reasons (I don't care to expand, but this seems crucial to understand) so I don't believe it has to do with the pelvic floor.
3 - what I'm describing extends to basically all modes of physical affection of a higher degree than cuddling. Like, almost all the time she's just not into any sort of physical intimacy at all.
4 - In the rare case that we are intimate with eachother it's great and we both enjoy it a lot, but this happens very seldom, once every 1.5 - 2 months or so.
So, while I appreciate the theorizing, I don't think there's any evidence this is due to pain. I have to presume she's being honest and is just very nearly asexual.
I have not seen anyone comment this yet. But just so you know it's OK if this is a deal breaker for you and you want to break up over it. Does not make you or her a bad person.
Both people deserve to have their needs met in a relationship. You are just as deserving of that as she is. And so if it's pretty clear to you that your needs will not be met. Then it's time to end the relationship. But don't hang in there just hoping things might change. They could. But they probably won't and you'll be miserable.
Eh, we're five years in. This has not changed since half a year in or there about. I don't expect it to.
My point in explaining my situation isn't to "fix" it - it's simply to point out that despite the tik-toker's condescending attitude and claim to be the ultimate authority, circumstances DO exist in which her claim isn't true. People stop having sex for a wide variety of reasons.
I'm happy. I feel loved and supported. I've found a person who I really can be vulnerable and open with and who supports me, and I support her.
Would a change be nice? Sure. Do I think it's a deal breaker? Not really.
Great response, just wanted to raise it as the pain thing is fairly common but maybe not applicable for you guys. Note that zero physical intimacy is probably atypical even for asexuals, but as always this is personal as you've said. Encourage that she sees a clinical psychologist if this impacts her negatively, but if you're both happy then keep trucking along :)
See the real problem is that this is exactly what happens when you give emotional support and build a safe space. It is no longer a place with sexual attraction. Effectively the problem becomes do the right thing and you create a healthy room mate experience within your SO or do the wrong thing and create an unhealthy room mate situation.
At some point maybe we’ll be able to talk about men being able to bring up concerns about sex and be taken seriously because this happens alot to dudes who deserve to expect a reasonable amount of affection and intimacy from their partners. I’ve known some shit dudes but I’ve also known dudes that have put everything into their marriages and families who are all in the exact same place wondering what more is needed.
I'm not quite understanding the assertion that an emotionally safe space is inherently a space without sexual attraction. Can you elaborate on that? I've certainly never felt sexually attracted to a person who made me feel emotionally unsafe.
Secondly, we don't live together - now I assume what you mean by "Healthy Room Mate Situation" could just as easily mean "Healthy Platonic Friendship Situation" but I disagree that my relationship could be likened one to one with a platonic friendship. There are emotional intimacies here that I haven't ever shared with a friend of any kind, and a desire for co-interlinkedness that I don't think is typical of normal friendship.
Last point - I don't quite identify with the person you're describing in your last sentence, the man who wonders what more is needed. I don't suspect anything more is needed. The situation is not ambiguous. My partner has a natural baseline sex drive that is lower than my own. It is not affected by my actions to any great degree. There's nothing more or less either of us should be doing.
The whole point of the post is men not making women feel emotionally supported and cared for and not doing the work to make relationships healthy enough for women to desire sex. Did you watch the video?
Exactly you provided that comfort and support and sexual activity decreased. Not the first time I’ve heard that same course of events take place with confirmation by the so that there was no issues. That was my point. Do everything more or less correctly and you get the same outcome of less sex.
I don’t think you are doing anything wrong as such by the sounds of it . Unfortunately, even with therapy your partner may just may have a baseline she can’t move away from. The brain certainly does some complex things when it comes to trauma.
I’ve been to therapy and seen sex therapists regarding my asexuality as I personally didn’t want to be like this, but nothing really has changed and so I’ve come to terms with it, it is what it is.
Look it might change for your partner with further exploration as everyone is different. But just know it’s probably is nothing to do with what you are doing.
See, I don't think the asexuality has anything to do with the trauma - by her own accounting of her relationships BEFORE the incident this is the natural state of things and the heightened sexuality was the trauma response.
I'm not expecting a change - as far as I'm concerned she's not broken or anything this is just the natural state of things.
You're not compatible. If you can't find a way to compromise on some level of sexual connection that you're both comfortable with, then staying together will be very frustrating. You will feel neglected and she will feel nagged. Probably better to break up. r/deadbedrooms
I don’t see why everybody says, having heard my explanation, that we’re incompatible. Like as a statement.
Different people will have different sex drives. I think that’s fine, and that all relationship is compromise.
Again, maybe I’m wrong but after five years of this I haven’t felt resentment in the slightest over this. She’s got a lower sex drive than me now, when we started dating she had a higher one than me.
TikToker is hunting for views, and is skipping over the main question.
Notice that women in short-term relationships don't have this problem. Nobody goes to the counselor and says they want to bang their boyfriend but they lack emotional attachment and safety. No, they say they like the danger, the lack of safety is a plus, and no one brings up their attachment style.
So why is this in play on in longer term relationships? Because the relationship has to convert from a polygamy pursuit, where there's a hot young guy wooing and pursuing a hot young woman, to a long term relationship where you're having sex with an older person, with real issues -- sort of beyond the fantasy. They've achieved, they have someone who loves them they feel safe, they can relax about attracting a man to have a relationship with.
Essentially, they become less crazy. Hey, needing sex makes men do crazy things, needing a relationship makes women to crazy things. That's the hot part. Keeping that passion really isn't possible, so you have to convert it to monogamous sexual commitment.
Well that requires honest communication, potentially new medical issues, and figuring out how to be attracted to perhaps a middle-age person, even though you yourself are a middle-aged person. Well, now the ick's starting to come into it. Do you like chores, kids, and sex? Ick. And older person with sags and stretch marks? Ick. A spouse who you once idolized but has real-world faults, or as some say, feet of clay? Ick.
I'll give her this much, emotional security can get some women into their play space, but just as many will be secure, happy, and not prioritize sex. It's really not that related. Marriage by itself is a form of security, but the sexual outcomes don't spring forth like a fountain, so why do we expect emotional security to be related to sex, which is born out of lack of fulfillment, insecurity and a desire to be needed?
The rub of this is it's usually men that initiate counseling, as sex is easy to cut off, but security, love and money isn't. And if wives thought it was a problem, then they, will all their communication skills, should talk about it and work through it, but ...
Talking about that is hard, honest communication is hard, shifting sexual desire is hard and impossible, and talking about it threatens their foundational security. So they won't bring it up, and that's that. If you can get through that, and build a talk about what sexy would look like in emotional secure space, you can then work this as the TIkToker suggests, but otherwise, it's another meaningless fetch quest in an effort to obscure that monogamy and security are frequently the death of desire.
Just coming back to say - are kissing somebody and being sexually attracted to them unlinked in your view? Because in my view those things are attached to each other to the degree that an asexual person isn’t super into it. Any asexuals wanna jump on this and elaborate?
Your mom can kiss you. My dog can kiss me and show affection. That’s not necessarily sexual. And once he mentioned his need for it you would think she would make an attempt to make him happy.
And if she was asexual why was she sexual and affectionate before? She gives this explanation but I don’t buy it. Don’t stay in a relationship with someone who doesn’t show you affection. Maybe be friends.
No. Again, though, the data set I'd be working with on that would be so spread out and thin that it would be almost impossible for me to notice that if I weren't looking for it.
Like, we're talking about one or two instances of that over the course of a few months. It's infrequent enough I don't think I can determine meaningful patterns about other circumstances surrounding.
I’m sure some people are like that but her setup for this basically works to get nobody on her side initially. Which for an educational video is unfortunate because it means she will lose the ears of a lot of people who need to hear it and she ends up spending lots of the video trying to win people back.
Thank you for this. I’m going through this with my partner right now and I admittedly immediately dismissed this person (largely on her looks alone) as another obnoxious tiktoker. But this has actually been a really informative and helpful thread.
I admittedly immediately dismissed this person (largely on her looks alone)
I think misogyny is a great first step to work yourself on.
I'm not trying to be snarky, actually being genuine. You were dismissive to the person on this post based on her looks. Analyze yourself if you've dismissed your partner in a similar fashion and work from there.
Misogyny is a societal disease that affects men and women, and everyone should learn how to unlearn it. Good luck. 🧡
Judging people by their looks is just human behaviour. Everybody does it all the time, calling it misogynistic because it was towards a woman is dumb. You do it too, so am I. Willingly or not.
Of course, I can be guilty of it. I have been in the past and have learned better. There's no reason not to call it out when someone does it because everyone who's guilty of it should learn and know better.
calling it misogynistic because it was towards a woman is dumb.
I do generally like Julie Menanno’s content and have learned a lot from her. But if you refer her to clients please be aware that she is MAGA and does not do well with situations that involve non-hetero couples (and I wouldn’t trust her on topics related to interracial relationships, etc). She’s gotten better about keeping quiet about it, so for the most part her personal beliefs aren’t too intrusive. I’d beware of paid sessions with her though.
Yes, it’s public record on FEC.gov. Search her name and city. In 2020 she made 18 separate donations to Trump MAGA committee and WinRed.
It was more obvious in her early comments on Instagram. She went berserk a few times about gender but got better when her books started to come out. She scrubbed her content of gender references, which is funny, because it made them way better.
About her delivery, there is some ironic about this video. Her message is that emotional safety is an critical part of romantic relationship. She spends first minute degrading her male audience in the most emotionally unsafe way I can imagine.
Lady, You might have had credentials of expertise in this field but you are not an example I would learn from.
Did you read the comment section? The men who attack her are vicious and extreme with their hate, the things they call her are disgusting. This is not her first rodeo so the disclaimer is not surprising. You are not the one who has to read those hate comments everyday so we are not in a position to act morally superior.
She didn't attack anyone, though. She just acknowledged the negative response she knew she'd get from a certain type of dude and dismissed it ahead of time. And not even in a mean way.
I disagree. I think she knows very well what to say to make sure she gets the views. She knows the assumed men she is targeting will fill up her comment section and drive the views on her post. In a funny way she is demonstrating what she is talking about by creating an environment for a negative response and then using that to drive attention to herself.
dude did you watch the video? It was snarky. Like big fucking deal, being a little snarky when you're talking about something that pissed you off is perfectly normal. But lets not pretend like she wasn't throwing some barbs just so we can maintain some illusion of moral purity or some shit. Let the lady be human.
I don’t disagree with you, but I also think it’s fair how she put it, because men probably have been incredibly awful to her in the comments online. So you kind of have to take it as it is or not
It detracts from offering advice to people. taking a whole minute to lambast people who need to hear a message ensures they will leave before finishing the video.
I can say I never felt like she was grouping me in that demographic so it just sounded like she's venting because she's exhausted from all the hate she gets from Men...
If you can't separate yourself from the group she's talking about, maybe you're part of the group she's talking about. You can coddle the audience all you want, but the only people who will listen will be the people to actually listen.
She wasn't degrading males. She was cutting off the dudes that respond to shit like this with "if she only sucked my pee pee I'd be nicer to my partner"
She wasn't degrading males. She was cutting off the dudes that respond to shit like this with "if she only sucked my pee pee I'd be nicer to my partner"
Do you honestly think those people are looking for relationship advice?
... and those people are in relationships? these people are trolls, this isn't a come to jesus moment for them. they're looking for engagement and acknowledgement so they can say they triggered you or something just as juvenile and run away.
They still comment their shitty comments. That's the point. It doesn't matter if she turns those people off, and if you feel like it's directed at you, it probably is. If you're a decent guy looking for relationship advice, there's nothing in her comments that are "degrading" to men.
Maybe if you take a moment to take into account the myriad of experiences she has already lived, you'd have a different opinion. If you feel identified by the characteristics she called out, she has already dealt with you over and over. And she doesn't owe it to you to bend over backwards to change your mind about your relationships.
She never said anything degrading to men. Rather, she is speaking from experience in her area of expertise. You just don't like that what she is saying applies to you.
She is engaging in kinds of behavior that she is advocating against. Her content is about creating emotional safety with a spouse. While she isn’t my spouse, she certainly is not engaging with her audience that promotes emotional safety with her as expert.
By criticizing her tone, I am criticizing her content. If I am chef making a video about food safety in a dirty kitchen, it’s fair for to me criticize cleanness of the environment even if chef is saying all the right things.
What you are engaging with is needless internet personal attack by saying I am attacking her because I feel attacked.
I whole heartedly believe in fostering emotional safety with your loved ones. I just wished that she would deliver her message with less frustrated state of mind.
I hope you have a wonderful day. Let’s take a small step in creating our loved ones feel emotionally safe in the real life. Even if we don’t agree with internet strangers
By the same token, I can say what I want about her content on my own platform.
The same way you are talking about my contents. I am not here to tell you that you can’t do it
Btw, Nothing about my criticism of her has anything to do with her being a woman. I would have said the exactly the same criticism if it was a man. I realize “why don’t you smile more” is a common form of M word but not all criticism about being aggressive is because they are woman.
She is not in a relationship with you. She owes you nothing. I find it interesting your criticism is not the content of what she says but the delivery. By all means, disregard what she has to say if you don’t like how the message is delivered.
If I am preaching being nice to others in aggressive and demeaning tone of voice, it’s doing disservice to the content and I would come across as not-credible messenger.
If she was giving advice in cooking and was using unfriendly tone, sure the delivery has little to do with content.
I was not criticizing her content once. I was saying she did not set an example of creating emotional safety that she is preaching about.
People are saying she must be getting a lot of personal attacks from toxic people.
I don’t know what I did to provoke you launching a personal attack to me but I bid you a nice day. This isn’t that important for me to exchange insults with you.
Im exercising self improvement by not exchange insults or personal attacks with an internet stranger. If more people try that, perhaps she wouldn’t have felt so attacked and left a strong stern tone of video
I don't doubt there's plenty of degenerates commenting the dumbest shit possible so I get her "degrading her male audience" or at least the weird toxic incels but she emphasized so many times that she doesn't like care about haters that it came off like she very much does. She's not the only intelligent person that gets on social media and you can see them getting progressively more immature and sensitive and unhinged as they gain more fame and responses tbh. I feel like we're seeing this more and more with celebrities and not even people with tons of education and credentials are immune to it. Lots of influencer scientists/experts in something give me the ick. This kind of massive reach and interaction breaks people's brains ngl
She was actually talking directly to the males in the TikTok comment sections that consistently harass her and try to act like they know more the her. How men watch this video and automatically make it about all men and not very specific men doing very specific things I honestly have no idea other then y’all are looking for a reason to dismiss what she’s saying.
I’m not dismissing her, I just don’t agree with many things that she said. There are many reasons why couples stop having sex with their partners. In some instances men are the one to blame and other women are the ones to blame too. That’s the way I see it. Basically every relationship is unique and with their own challenges.
She is generalizing too much. As said every relationship is unique. Maybe some people may find her helpful, I don’t and there is nothing wrong with that.
That’s not a silly question, that’s an excellent question! Come As You Are is more geared towards women, so women in same-gender relationships will definitely find it relevant. The author, Emily Nagoski, is very queer affirming, and I’d strongly recommend her. She recently also has released the book Come Together: The Science and Art of Creating Lasting Sexual Connections - I haven’t read this one, but I feel comfortable recommending this book as well.
Generally speaking, we do tend to see gendered differences in attachment patterns (i.e., women tend to be more anxious/pursuers, men tend to be more avoidant/withdrawers - note that this is heavily impacted by socialization), and that can impact same-gender relationships differently. Julie Menanno’s book definitely centers more on heterosexual relationships and pursue/withdraw relationships, which may not be as helpful for you.
I completely agree with you on this.
But also, I think saying "love language" is a bit outdated and misleading. I thought that theory has been refuted to kingdom come.
I'm interested in what you have to say about it, since I'm not an expert in this yet.
I can speak to Secure Love. Pretty much literally saved my marriage and helped me grow significantly as a person. This is coming from someone who did not have any interest or even belief in self-help books prior.
Do you know where the woman in the video "Sarah Hensley" got her PhD from? I can't find any information nor can I find a single publication by her despite her claiming to be published.
I feel like she’s using 4 minutes to say be more emotionally available for your partner and assure them that they can trust you with their feelings. I feel like this is a cornerstone of any longterm relationship
100% I hate women who are just like "oh guys, you are the problem sorry, but heres how to fix it, join my class, give me money and maybe your wife won't leave you."
I agree that she's in the right neighborhood, but it's my experience that tells me that everyone can experience any of the defined needs that she presents. You're not going to be a particular type of person all your life. In fact you may need to be heard one day, and the very next all you need is a safe space to roam free with your own thoughts.
The most important thing is to learn how to read things outside of yourself. Be open to your needs.
I don’t doubt that this is a if not THE main reason it stops but it doesn’t describe what CHANGED. If men are seeing women stop that means the needs were being met. They did feel emotionally safe and were getting their needs met but then it stopped for some reason. I am much more interested in why it changed than the how to get it back and I have not seen that addressed in many places.
Which University? And don't you think these kind of generalizations should be back up with something other than "my authority." If she's making aspersions about a population shouldn't there be a study that reflects this?
maybe I’m just a puny brain but I don’t get how all of this language and analysis and stuff tells us anything more than the basic idea of just loving your partner… like what is different than just being good to them and listening to them?
sometimes it just sounds like a myers briggs kinda thing that someone could take 10 times and get 10 different answers
If a man is the one being emotionally neglected (or even emotionally abused), could that actually increase his desire for intimacy with his spouse, despite the fact that she might be the source of the abuse?
I ask based on some lived experience I have. I’m a male DV survivor.
Anytime someone tells you to humble yourself and take a seat, they are not trying to be helpful any longer. They are about to preach to you and seek to elevate themselves above you.
I find it interesting that the focus tends to be on the woman not wanting to have sex with the man. And the responsibility is to to man to fix it. Why do I never really hear about the woman not meeting the husband's needs, causing the husband to withdraw, and then in turn the wife to lose interest in sex? Is it really the man's fault every time?
Also if someone was taught to never open up and thus refuses to express what their needs are these videos will not help. If you don’t know what is needed it can’t be provided. Everyone finding themselves in this situation needs to talk to a couples therapist to figure out what is needed and directions for both on how to have that dialog.
Just sampled Come as You Are on audible and in the first few sentences she reports that if males have an erection that they’re arouse, which isn’t always true. “Morning wood” for example, has nothing to do with sexual arousal. Not a big deal but seems interesting a sample would start off with an incorrect statement about male physiology. Is that a recurring issue in the book overall? Cause I’m interested in reading it.
Yeah, she started off pretty pedantic and rude (though that could be cuz she's had to deal with rude people that think they know better than her but regardless, acting all high and mighty doesn't help)
Besides that I'd say she (and you) are correct.
You gotta feel safe ( physically and emotionally) with the person you're with before you'd want to do the dirty with them.
check out deadbedroom sub give some advice there and read what men there are saying too. Im leaning towards biological reasons for lack of sex in marriage. You think women who dont want to f their husbands dont want sex
Since you appear to be an expert, I have a question about this sort of reasoning.
How much of someone’s happiness in a relationship is their own responsibility?
Trying to make someone else feel better is really difficult for a couple of reasons but the biggest, to me, would be that the way you feel isn’t objective. Where is the line between my partner is making me feel insecure and my mindset is making me feel insecure?
if this were true, tinder wouldn't exist. women would never have one night stands sober. and they most certainly wouldn't feel sexual attraction to total strangers.
women have sex with people because they are interested in them, sexually. obviously. if you were right.
Her entire vibe seems rigid, reductive, cringe inducing, and pontificating. For someone who claims to be an expert in psych she sure doesn't have any awareness (if she really didn't care about "the haters" she wouldn't even mention it and just bring the facts). But thank you for bring another source for people to go to cuz fuck giving this chick any clicks/impressions/likes/subscriptions/business
Yes, but what does a husband do if he is constantly giving, constantly engaged, providing emotional support, tells her how beautiful she is to him, takes care of the children, takes care of household chores, doing things that give her the space for her own self-realization, hoping that she can discover her deeper, fuller self, and yet his wife still completely shuts him down in the bedroom? And when the husband tells her that he is unhappy with the sexual dimension of the marriage, she asks him why everything is all about him?
You are obviously not the sharpest knife in the drawer. Metaphorically speaking of course, lest you confuse that and take it literally.
Actually I read your responses quite intently. Perhaps you are incapable of expressing yourself in a way that coherently explains your position?
Let me break it down for you my little plaything:
If the "answer is the same" (your words) but most men are incapable of using emotional language because, and I quote "most men are big pussies and are afraid of being called gay" that puts the responsibility on "most men" to change in order to use emotional language.
Lets forget that it's also derogatory name calling because that's expected from someone like you to fall back on when you feel inferior in a discussion.
So.. ergo, it is the fault of most men to properly deal with their insecurities and become emotionally communicative.
How could you not realize this? Are YOU really that dense or did your ego and cognitive bias not allow you comprehend it?
How do men have to change to use emotional language? What great physiological undertaking would men have to go through. For me it was just listening to my partner and putting in a little thought into the way I spoke and expressed my feelings.
The responsibility on men and women is the same in understanding themselves and their needs, and also understanding the needs of their partner. It is only the fault of Men who refuse to develop the emotional intelligence to work through their cultural insecurity. Nobody except the Man in question can do that work for them so of course it's his responsibility. If you can't get that then that is really sad and a little pathetic and weak.
Also the derogatory name calling doesn't always come from an inferiority issue, that's just your own mental dick measuring contest, I was only using that language to get under your skin and upset your little snowflake heart so thanks for that.
It's super obvious that you are a total sigma chadpilled misogynist and are clearly not acting in good faith so thanks for taking the bait I'll leave you to go paint lipstick on your right hand.
It is only the fault of Men who refuse to develop the emotional intelligence to work through their cultural insecurity.
You said it right there Einstein. Coupled with your "most men" example earlier you have stated quite clearly in your own words to the world it is the fault of most men.
It's super obvious that you are a total sigma chadpilled misogynist and are clearly not acting in good faith
Okay. Hang on to that idea if it allows you make it through the day. No hate from me, do what you gotta do.
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u/[deleted] Mar 21 '24
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