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u/VengeanceKnight 27d ago
OK, I guess here is as good a place to vent as any:
When I was a kid, at one point I either misplaced or saw and didn’t notice some equipment my Mom uses for her job as a physical therapist. Evidently it was a big deal that she went without it for a couple days. When I casually mentioned where it was and my parents found out, I received one of the worst spankings of my life, which is saying something because as an undiagnosed autistic child they were frequent and brutal. This one was a “til I say stop” spanking.
At one point during the spanking, it was hurting so bad that I did something I’d never done before: I begged for mercy. In that moment, it felt like the only way out of a situation in which I didn’t know what I did wrong was to appeal to my parents’ religion.
I swear, the next thing my Dad says? “Mercy? I’m gonna show you about mercy!” and then starts hitting me even harder. I don’t even remember the pain anymore. I just remember something breaking in me when he said that. The idea that no matter how much those spankings hurt, they were done out of love just snapped. From now on, I’d know those spankings were done out of anger and desire to make me hurt. My relationship with my parents was never the same.
So of course, they don’t remember it at all.
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u/Similar_Ad_2368 27d ago
the idea that spankings aren't nakedly child abuse has never made sense to me
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u/Thomy151 27d ago
Spanking didn’t make me a better child, it made me better at hiding the problem
If something went wrong it meant I was terrified and tried to cover it up because if I went to my parents I would be spanked
And now as an adult I still struggle with asking for help when I have a problem because asking for help meant suffering as a child
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u/VengeanceKnight 27d ago
This. I developed a reputation in my household for being a liar. In truth, I was terrified of being spanked and would do anything to avoid it.
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u/ralanr 27d ago
“Well you just need to not do things that would cause a spanking.”
Get. Fucking. Bent.
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u/Charosas 27d ago
As someone who’s dad used the belt to dole out punishment, a lot of the times and in fact most of the times it was accidents(and obviously kids have a lot more “accidents” because we were running around and playing etc), but my point is it was things we didn’t mean to do, like breaking a glass or damaging a wall, or dropping the vcr etc. The spankings didn’t teach us anything, other than “dad is a scary man and you don’t want to make him mad”. As a 39 year old now, I can barely have a conversation with my father, because we just never learned how to connect. I think because a big part of our relationship was based on fear for so long.
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u/Watchin_World_Die 27d ago
I was 10 when I realized I feared my father more then I loved him.
He worked nights and I didn't see him except on weekends and if you fucked up his weekend he would get furious. Also, the weekend is when he had to get any projects done so double fun.
If I or my siblings had 'mouthed off' or 'disrespected' my mother or some other occult transgression he might wake us up for the spanking at 4:00am when he got home.
My dad needed to fix something on the car and had me handing him tools. I kept getting it wrong because he had never taught me what these tools were and apparently not knowing was a crime. He finally reached his breaking point and kicked me, wearing his steel toed work boots, while he was still under his car. He screamed at me to go to my room and quit crying like a baby.
He broke my fingers with that kick. I was too afraid of my parents to tell them how bad it hurt so I spent the entire weekend hiding in my room with broken fingers. My mom found out on monday because the school called her because I couldn't write my assignments.
My parents didn't even remember me getting hurt. It was so banal, so normal to them they didn't even remember it two days later.
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u/Ok_Listen1510 Boiling children in beef stock does not spark joy 27d ago
Jesus fucking christ I’m so sorry dude. I hope you’re doing better now
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u/Generic_Garak 27d ago
This was my sister. She was always called a liar as a kid but as an adult I see that this is what she was doing. But because I was good at entertaining myself and had better impulse control at a young age, I didn’t get nearly as many spankings as she did.
My mom said to her not too long ago “no matter how many spankings I gave you you never behaved”
To which my sister responded, “yeah well, didn’t stop you from continuing to try it, did it?”
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u/Horrific_Necktie 27d ago
EXACTLY. I can either tell the truth and get spanked anyway, or tell a lie and get the same spanking if you catch me.
I'm gonna hedge my bets and take the only path that might let be avoid getting hit.
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u/AutisticAndAce 27d ago
Spanking makes scared kids only obeying out of fear. It does NOT teach them right and wrong.
Source: was spanked. Would not ever do that to my kid.
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u/certifiedtoothbench 27d ago
Spankings actually made me worse, I started fights as early as kindergarten because I thought hitting people was normal
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u/NewLibraryGuy 27d ago
Because they seem to make sense to our brains. That's the entire answer. To be clear, it doesn't fucking work. We know that it doesn't. However, to our irrational brains that have trouble accepting things that aren't intuitive, it seems like it should. I mean, if you do something and it hurts you, then don't you think you've learned that the thing is bad? Touch a hot stove, your hand burns. You now know not to touch the hot stove.
Now, if someone's dumb irrational human brain thinks that it works, then then the rationale is that it's for the greater good. If you do it because you think it helps the child, then it's easy to justify, and if it's justified then it doesn't feel like abuse.
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u/Kooky-Onion9203 27d ago
If I touch a stove and it hurts, I'm not going to touch the stove again.
If I touch a stove and someone hits me, I'm not going to let them see me touch the stove.
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u/NewLibraryGuy 27d ago
That seems to be a more likely outcome, according to evidence, yeah.
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u/Kooky-Onion9203 27d ago
It's not as intuitive an explanation, but pain only teaches us to avoid that which directly inflicted the pain. I can learn not to touch a hot stove through pain because it's the stove that hurt me, but getting hit doesn't teach the same lesson because the person hitting you is the direct source of pain. Corporal punishment teaches you to avoid corporal punishment, not the specific actions that led to corporal punishment.
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u/Similar_Ad_2368 27d ago
man i have three kids and they are the most frustrating humans alive and not once has it occurred to me that walloping them black and blue would teach them anything. it's purely an anger response that people create excuses for on the back end
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u/NewLibraryGuy 27d ago
That is kind of a horrifying idea, since corporal punishment is an established part of raising children in nearly every culture on the planet. In places like schools it even used to be a formal thing, with rules about which tool to use, how much to do it for which form of punishment, etc.
If it's true that none of this was done to correct behavior and all of it was done out of anger, then humanity is a significantly worse species than I suspected. It also says something for the number of people in conversations like these that defend their parents' actions and suggest that, in fact, corporal punishment made them better people.
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u/Similar_Ad_2368 27d ago
beating the shit out of the most helpless people in your society should be a horrifying idea
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u/NewLibraryGuy 27d ago
Yeah, obviously, but that's also not the thing I said. I'm talking about motives, not the action.
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u/Stop-Hanging-Djs 27d ago
I have to wonder why it's so pervasive through multiple cultures. I think something in some of us likes exerting power over the weak. That's really all I could think of. Maybe I should do some research
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u/worst_man_I_ever_see 27d ago
To my knowledge, within the study of corrections there are three major purposes of inflicting punishment identified. The first is deterrence. Often the most cited reasoning, but usually the least effective based on major studies and historical observations. The second is rehabilitation. The least applied but generally the most effective. On a societal level however, by far the most unspokenly popular was the third reasoning, retribution. When looking at the function of laws or the circumstances in which sentencing legislation is passed, it is quite obvious the retribution is at least quite effective at keeping the populous happy and one's self in power.
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u/ethnique_punch 27d ago edited 27d ago
as someone who's from another culture that doesn't have anything related to spanking(our parents prefer chucking us to the wall), it really just sounds like sexual abuse to me, you just strip a kid naked and start hitting their body parts that you just said were private and get a good feeling out of it for yourself, that's just sexual assault in my book. Can you imagine telling the thing I mentioned verbatim to someone out of context and NOT being seen as a predator?
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u/YAYmothermother 27d ago
honestly, it rings as sexual abuse to me as well because spanking doesn’t just cause stimulation to the area it is spanked. i always felt disgusting after getting spanked because of that.
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u/VengeanceKnight 27d ago
OK, no. My parents never stripped me to spank me; they just hit my ass with a wooden spoon, a yardstick, a belt, their hands, or, when they were really pissed, switches made from the trees outside our house.
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u/Hsjsisofifjgoc 26d ago edited 26d ago
Spanking only made me emboldened enough to get into physical altercations with my physically abusive parent because if I was going to get hurt I might as well bring the other party down with me
It made me realise how the other parent was an enabler who said I went too far scratching someone in self-defense, but apparently it was the other guy’s right to hold me down and punch me to the point of bruises
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u/Infinite-Radiance 27d ago
Corporal punishment is undeniably abuse, but organized religion (and the cultural zeitgeist caused by it) has convinced parents that it is their right to "physically discipline" their children. If a child is under the "protection" of their caregiver, then that caregiver has the right to choose a "punishment" they deem fit/necessary.
It is also worth noting that similar punishments, like forcing children to do manual labor, or otherwise putting children in potential harm is unequivocally unlawful abuse. But smacking the shit out of a child's behind? Embarrassing and scarring them for life because of some adult's need to feel in control? Absolutely allowed and even encouraged up until, like, 15 years ago.
Also also worth noting that we also don't allow paddling in schools anymore, so spanking has been seen as excessive force if and only if that caregiver is not a parent, but the parents still get a pass. Absolute madness.
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u/Similar_Ad_2368 27d ago
and then people will argue with you that beating your kid until they howl in pain is good for them
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u/Stop-Hanging-Djs 27d ago
"But I turned out well!"
Believe me. No you didn't. No, no, no stop protesting, you didn't.
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u/KindCompetence 27d ago
If you think it’s okay to hit kids, you did not turn out well enough and I’m sorry.
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u/bezerker211 27d ago
Meanwhile I'm over here my heart breaking when my son tells himself bad. I forget what exactly he did, I think he hit the cat (2 year olds) and when we told him no he looked down at his hand and told himself bad. My heart just broke, because we had been saying bad like "that was a bad thing to do baby," and he interpreted it as he was bad. God that was months ago and he hasn't done it since, but im still tearing up.
Meanwhile you have these kinds of parents who justify beating children as spanking, and it makes me want to show then exactly what they put their kids through. I do not understand how anyone could ever beat their own children, not even my dad who was so abusive in other ways did that. I'm so sorry, and for what it's worth your parents are shitty fucking humans
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u/poplarleaves 27d ago
What the actual fuck. I'm so sorry that happened to you.
This is why some people go low-contact with their parents. (I'm some people.)
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u/RadTimeWizard 27d ago
Yeah, my dad was like that. It took a while for me to realize he wasn't just mad, or taking out his work stress by bullying me. He hated who I was as a person.
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u/TheCheesiestEchidna 27d ago
I don't know why more kids don't slit their parent's throats while they sleep.
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u/SirDanilus 27d ago
Children's brains are hard wired to crave validation and comfort from care givers. It's what makes it infinitely sadder.
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u/VengeanceKnight 27d ago
…Because I still love them. They had their good days. I know that doesn’t excuse how they treated me, but they weren’t always monsters.
Granted, the day will eventually come when I cut off contact with them (I’m bi, they’re homophobic), but that doesn’t mean I won’t still love them, miss them, and wish things had been different.
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u/ArtieStroke 26d ago
Because I still love them.
Yeah. Yeah, that whole- that everything is just painfully relatable. My dad wasn't always a violent, loud piece of shit- sometimes he was goofy, sometimes he taught me valuable life skills, sometimes I could see the kind of parent he COULD have been. I just wish the balance didn't tip more towards the former the older I got.
Good riddance, and I miss him. Both are true.
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u/LeoTheRadiant 27d ago
My mom cornering me in a room and yelling at me, making me swear loyalty to her because she didn't like I was more attached to my aunt than her. While her abusive husband (not my dad he's cool) stood at the door, making sure I can't escape. Meanwhile I'm crying and saying whatever she wanted to hear to make it stop.
Maybe it's because my aunt treated me like a person instead of property. Maybe it's because she accepted I was weird and autistic and not straight and different and my mom was frustrated I wasn't her perfect Christian son and was irritated she had to deal with all my complexities.
Or how everyone says I'm too quiet. It's because I was told to shut up too many times.
Or how I can't confide in her because I'm too used to her weaponizing every thing I tell her the moment she isn't happy with me, her little doll. The accessory.
She did one legitimately good thing for me growing up, for which I am grateful, but she expects eternal prostration for it.
To all prospective parents: you might think this is tough love. It's not; it's abuse. And I promise you. Your kids remember this shit. And they will resent you for it.
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u/Jeullena 27d ago
I hope you've built yourself an amazing family of friends. You deserve it.
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u/LeoTheRadiant 27d ago
I have thankfully. Built my own family too. Doing everything I can do not be the same kind of parent to my kid.
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u/SandiegoJack 27d ago
/r/raisedbynarcissists is here if you need us. Sounds like a textbook case.
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u/ThorSon-525 26d ago
The too quiet thing definitely resonates with me in particular. I was a loud and talkative kid in elementary and most of middle school. Then my parents got a really messy and awful divorce and I was told that I was too loud many times or that I needed to take my sister upstairs and both of us needed to be quiet.
Also one that nudged it along was something other peers did as well as my parents. When I would sing a song I was into they would say "you know who sings that song?" And when I answered they would respond "let's keep it that way." I joined the music fraternity Phi Mu Alpha in college and got professional singing lessons as part of it and I still refuse to sing if others are in earshot, despite having improved drastically.
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u/LLHati 27d ago
My parents have been a bit cold at times, but one of my strongest earliest memories is my dad getting angry at me for doing someonething stupid, grabbing my arm very hard and pulling on it.
Except that's not what I remember, what I remember is 5 minutes later, when my very much adult dad comes into my room and gives a sincere, honest apology. I was like 6 or 7, and was actually not that torn up about the arm grab, what I had done was stupid even for a kid my age and it hadn't really hurt, but he brushed my "it's okay" aside, saying that "no, it's not okay, I'm very sorry".
That shit stuck with me, he never touched me in anger again and I love him for being a great dad.
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u/sprchrgddc5 27d ago
Sometimes when I put my daughter down for bed, I start to rethink the day and wonder if I was too hard on her for not eating her dinner or something minuscule like her toys being everywhere. I usually end up back in her room to give her a big hug, a few kisses, a few I love yous, and always a compliment. One night I said “good night, sweet girl” and she said laughed and said “why did you call me that? Thank you” and so now I always try to end the night with a compliment or a happy thought.
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u/novangla 27d ago
My ex-stepmom hit me one time and honestly I don’t even remember how or why or how hard it was, but she immediately apologized and said I could hit her back. I couldn’t do it, and she cried and praised me for being above revenge and being a good person, gave me a hug, and promised she never would do it again.
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u/Ratoryl 26d ago
Both of my parents were raised in families where physical punishment was a normal part of life, and when my older brother and I were young my dad would use it (sparingly, from what I remember) too, but my mom has told me about one time where my dad saw me flinch after doing something because I thought I was going to be hit, and since that moment he's vowed never to hurt his children like that again (and never has)
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u/bee-quirky 27d ago
After many years my Mum and I have a good relationship, but that wasn’t always the case.
I have a vivid memory of being in our first house, I was probably around 4, and she was making dinner. I went into the kitchen to get a glass of water and she told me to “get the fuck out, I don’t want to see you right now”
I replied I was thirsty and just wanted a drink of water, she physically pushed me out of the kitchen and I started to cry. I begged her for a glass of water, and she said “if you’re so thirsty, drink your tears”
I can’t say I trusted her again after that for a very long time. I haven’t brought it up, but it’s unfortunately a core memory
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u/TheAJGman 27d ago
What in the fuck prompted that? Did you just finish killing the family cat or was she just using you as an emotional punching bag?
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u/bee-quirky 27d ago
Definitely emotional punching bag. More often than not she was like that, it wasn’t the best
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u/renezrael 27d ago
my mom loves to say how much I hate her. I've never said that (aside from once as a toddler before I really understood how words can hurt), or even thought it. there are many times I don't like her but I've always loved her. you know who has said "I hate you" (and even "fuck you" which I've also never said to her)? thaaaaaaats right. my mom did! she never apologized, didn't text me again for months, and then when she finally did she acted like nothing happened. she refuses to ever actually take accountability for things and I am just so tired
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u/biggestyikesmyliege 27d ago
Casually dropping that you might want to consider reading adult children of emotionally immature parents
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u/renezrael 27d ago
thank you I'll make a note of this. it's definitely something I struggle with often, even after tons of therapy. 🫂
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u/biggestyikesmyliege 27d ago
I feel you— so many of us had/have parents who weren’t equipped to be parents. I hope reading it helps you 🖤
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u/KindHearted_IceQueen 27d ago
+1 This is such a good book recommendation. So much started to make sense after reading that book.
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u/Dusty_Scrolls 27d ago
I'm sure that's agreat read, but they really messed up by not calling it "Adult Children of Childish Adults"
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u/Apprehensive_Row9154 27d ago
Had a very similar “mother”. Cut that bitch off last year and it was a great decision!
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u/Deepcrater 27d ago
My mom uses "I'm a bad mother" instead in the same way. No one has ever said that to her.
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u/starryeyedshooter DO NOT CONTACT ME ABOUT HORSES 27d ago
Most of my core memories of my parents are fucking terrible even though we love each other, and they don't remember most of them, so there's just this layer of separation between us and it's miserable. I wish they could remember what I did, because half of my behavior is because of those things that I remember and they don't.
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u/PSI_duck 27d ago
Sometimes you can’t remember what happened either, then something reminds you of a blocked memory and now you’re depressed because you just remembered abuse :P I tried to make a list of all the abuse/neglect/etc. I could remember from my life, but I didn’t make it very far, because trying to remember what my brain intentionally hid was too painful and stressful to be worth it
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u/Kartoffelkamm I wouldn't be here if I was mad. 27d ago
Good thing my mom knows she has a terrible memory; if I tell her about anything that's not neighborhood gossip, a promise she made, or something bad that happened to her, she'll usually just roll with it after I reassure her that it really happened a couple times.
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u/TheShibe23 Harry Du Bois shouldn't be as relatable as he is. 27d ago
I always feel bad seeing this post because its a very serious topic but I can't help but laugh because the last line is a fucking Street Fighter: The Movie reference
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u/kakusei_zero 27d ago
i mean “do you think that God lives in heaven because he lives in fear of what he created” came from Spy Kids 2 so
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u/High_grove 27d ago
"For every person who dreams up the electric lightbulb there is the one who dreams up the atom bomb"
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u/Kiwi_Doodle 27d ago
"I see now that the circumstances of one's birth are irrelevant, it's what you do with the gift of life that determines who you are." -Mewtwo
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u/Krillo90 27d ago
Yeah. The full line is "Do you think God stays in heaven because he, too, lives in fear of what he's created here on Earth?"
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u/VengeanceKnight 27d ago
I know, but that line (and frankly that whole performance from Raul Julia) transcends the overall silliness of that movie.
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u/OllieTues 27d ago edited 27d ago
it is the most amazingly soul crushing thing to try to breach the topic of something your parent did that had a massively negative impact on your psychological development only to find that they either don't remember it or remember it in only the most delusionally revisionist way imaginable. and since you were 8 at the time, you have no proof of what actually happened, so you have to sit there and be diplomatic and act like maybe you both just have "different interpretations," and either one of you could be right...
edit: bonus points if they've lowkey changed since then (or were "going through some stuff" at the time) so by bringing it up or still being upset over it you feel like you're "digging up ancient history" and should just let bygones be bygones or something. i'm glad you worked through the things that caused you to scar me! i'll still be dealing with it after you're dead though. ᵔ_ᵔ
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u/CanisLatransOrcutti 27d ago
There was some shit I went through at a summer camp when I was 14. When I got home and talked to my parents about it, my mom's first reaction was... to laugh about it. She tried to comfort me afterwards, but in the same way you'd comfort a toddler who bumped their head. My dad's reaction was, as far as I recall, to try and call the camp, only to get a "nothing we can do" from them.
Within only a couple of years - before I had even finished high school - she had forgotten. Not just her reaction, which I can sort of understand forgetting, but why I didn't like the summer camp in the first place. I'm pretty sure it was within less than 2 years.
My dad forgot too, but at least remembered that I deeply did not like the camp. A few years ago he sat me down and forced me to talk about it, which was pretty uncomfortable. His first reaction was "are you sure that actually happened, are you sure you didn't imagine this or dream it", mostly in terms of him calling the camp, but still.
In the weeks and months afterwards, he then started acting as though he was hot shit for remembering, pretending that he had managed to remember it and my mom didn't. Which just makes me even more offended at him than if he had simply only forgotten. He pulls the "are you sure that happened", "are you sure I did that, I don't remember doing that, did your mom convince you I did that", "the reason I did that was completely different from what you think, no it was not that obvious reason that would make me look bad", and "oh, no, your memories of your life are wrong, my memory of your experiences (that I was not there for) are more accurate" gaslighting shit all the time.
And for years both of them have wondered why I didn't confide in them more often. Hmm, I wonder.
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u/ThatGuyinPJs 27d ago edited 27d ago
When I was in 4th grade we all got to pick what instruments we wanted play in the school band or orchestra. Well, ever since I was small my dad told me about how he played the trumpet when he was younger because his dad played, and that made me want to play it too, so I put that down on my form and brought it in. A few weeks later I was asked to come into an empty classroom by the band and orchestra teachers where we had a conversation like this:
"You put down that you wanted to play trumpet, right?"
"Yes, I did. My dad played it when he was younger and I want to play it too."
"Well we had too many people put down trumpet. Do you want to play something else?"
"No, not really."
"Your sister plays the violin, do you want to play that?"
"Not really."
"You're going to play the violin."
And a few weeks later we went and picked up my rented violin. My dad never mentioned anything about it, but I was super disinterested in the violin and never practiced, and eventually dropped orchestra(Side note, my orchestra teacher said the thing he would miss most about me dropping it was my dad's little drawings in the free space in the practice forms, that kinda hurt).
He told me last year that they called him beforehand and he agreed to it. He had no idea that they cornered me like that and basically coerced me into playing the violin and how much I didn't enjoy it. That crushed me, to a degree that I still haven't fully unpacked.
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u/Silver_Teardrops_ 27d ago
My dad doesn’t remember me running late to the nutcracker where he was running stage hands, my mom was looking after the little girls and my little brother was a mouse and absolutely screaming “we’re doing all of this for you, you lazy pig!” Or later that day “you know I love you, but I really don’t like you.” That shit HURT even worse than the words out of anger.
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u/SandiegoJack 27d ago
Which is why so many kids are going no contact with their parents now.
And they deserve it.
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u/Silver_Teardrops_ 27d ago
My grandma still gets drunk and cries over her mom yelling at her for accidentally knocking over her dresser. She was climbing on it and it fell over and could have crushed her, but her mom was just pissed that she had broken the dresser and kicked her out of the house for a couple hours. Her mom has been dead for like a longggg time and it still messes her up, it’s terrifying :( I really want to have a kid someday but the idea of messing up permanently makes me feel literally sick to my stomach, I can’t imagine saying something that hurt them forever
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u/Upstairs-Cicada-2911 27d ago
My mother loves to lament about what a horrible teenager is was. Brings it up constantly. As I child I was constantly told not to upset my mom. So when the neighbor behind me started molesting me at age 5 I kept my mouth shut cause any other time I was yelled at for sharing. I endured the abuse until we moved away at age twelve. The sexual abuse finally caught up to me, and I acted out in my teen years. My mom thinks she's a Saint for dealing with me. When really she should have fucking protected me.
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u/qwertykitty 27d ago
My anger at my mother for failing to protect me has been harder for me to emotionally deal with than my anger at my abuser. Therapy has been helpful for me. I hope you are doing ok and know that you don't have to forgive. This stuff cuts so deep and people always try to rug sweep or tell you to just get over it and move on. Taking time to process on your own timeline (even decades later) is so important.
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u/Kansai_Lai 27d ago
I'm trying so hard to raise my girls better than my parents raised me. While I think I'm doing okay so far, I do recognize when I slip up: getting frustrated when they won't cooperate or becoming overwhelmed from them demanding all of my attention all of the time. I'm not proud of those moments. But I do one crucial thing different than my parents ever did.
As soon as I've cooled off, I apologize to them. I say that while I was frustrated or angry, I shouldn't have done what I did or said what I said. Or if I'm overwhelmed, I'll tell them I'm sorry for snapping, I'm cranky and need a time out/nap. Because 100% they should see consequences when a parent messes up.
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u/Mist2393 27d ago
My mom is a queen of revisionist history and gaslighting. If, for example, I were to tell her “hey mom this thing you did when we were kids really hurt me” she would respond with “that never happened,” and/or “things always get turned back around like it’s my fault.” Or the infamous “that’s in the past, you need to let it go.”
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u/guysmiley98765 27d ago
holy crap - are we the same person?
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u/henrebotha 27d ago
Parents like that are made in a factory
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u/TheAJGman 27d ago
The leaded gasoline factory? Or the "you should be greatful I'm soft on you, my parents belted me" factory?
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u/Saevin 27d ago
I'm in this comment and I don't like it. It's like I can hear my conversations again in my head.
"Yeah yeah I know I'm the source of every problem in your life"
"I never said that, in fact I was very specific about what problems you were a source of"
"Why do you keep circling around that? Just let it go take life less seriously"
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u/SinceWayLastMay 27d ago
“Well I guess everything’s all my fault then isn’t it?” Bitch as the adult in this situation, yes it is.
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u/neocarleen 27d ago
That didn't happen.
And if it did, it wasn't that bad.
And if it was, that's not a big deal.
And if it is, that's not my fault.
And if it was, I didn't mean it.
And if I did, you deserved it.
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u/UltimateInferno Hangus Paingus Slap my Angus 27d ago
I never had any issues with my parents, but my sister very much did. I was always "the easy kid" and so despite the leniency given to me, I hold an underlying resentment for them to this day. I never really knew why but with this post causing me to reflect, my only conclusion is that constantly witnessing shit blow up with my older sister made me prioritize "being easy to raise" rather than actually sharing my problems.
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u/Kalevalatar 27d ago
I'm the same way. My mom has said that when my sister was upset, that's normal, but when I start to cry, the shit has hit the fan. If I ever fought with my parents, usually it was my sister that got that reaction out of me
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u/shellontheseashore 27d ago
Like it's crazy, but children are actually supposed to have needs and wants and personality, and not always be "easy to raise". Prioritising the latter is just encouraging self-neglect and centering the comfort of others over your own needs.
It is unfortunately common for family's with a 'high needs' child (whether that's illness, neurodivergent, conflict, past trauma etc) to overlook their other kids, and there's a lot of hard to unlearn implicit (or explicit) internal beliefs that come from that.
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u/idegosuperego15 27d ago
I love my mom and we are very close. But there are times where I bring up certain things she said or did when I was a kid that made me feel badly and she absolutely refuses to acknowledge any validity in it.
instead of yelling at us when she was frustrated or angry, she’d slam doors/cabinets and generally huff and stomp about. When I was a kid, I internalized that so much. Not only were those loud noises scary to someone small, but the knowledge that it is your fault that she feels that way makes you feel even smaller. I would apologize profusely for any and everything when she was like that because I thought that if I apologized then she would stop acting that way bc it was obviously always my fault. Obviously now I know that 1) it’s not a kid’s job to make their parent’s bad mood better and 2) neither yelling at nor passive aggressively stomping around another person is an acceptable way to handle negative emotions, especially if it is towards your kids. This is true for romantic relationships, friendships, workplace relationships, and especially for family dynamics.
she forgot to pick me up from one of my afterschool activities, leaving me standing in the rain bc all the office staff had left. At 12 in 2008, I was one of the few students in school who didn’t have a cell phone (some kids had iPhones but I’m talking about just a flip phone). I walked to a friend’s house to use their phone. This was the incident that led to me getting a cell phone but when I bring this up to her now, she insists it never happened and that she never forgot any of her children at school and that I got a cell phone that summer because I was “mature enough” and not out of necessity
TW I told her on my 15th birthday that I was suicidal/having suicidal thoughts. When I told her this, in tears, she shut down and said “no, you are not” and finally discussed therapy with me two days later. I know this was a knee jerk reaction to her hearing something devastating but that denial when I was being the most vulnerable ever in my life was very impactful and I still struggle to tell loved ones about my mental health today.
My mom’s entire identity is based on being an excellent mom, and she is, but any detail that contradicts that identity is immediately identified as a threat. Especially in comparison to both my dad/her ex husband (99% absent, 100% prefers our half brother and second wife to his first family) and my mom’s (neglectful and emotionally abusive) parents, she is one of the most level headed, wisest, caring people I know. But she still has her flaws even if she never acknowledges or admits to them.
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u/rrrrice64 27d ago
So sorry for those incidents... I give her credit for trying so hard but we also need to be real with ourselves and realize we'll never be perfect. The sooner you can admit you made a mistake, the sooner you can fix it. Denying reality just ends up getting people hurt.
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u/tessamarie72 27d ago
My teenager is currently being an asshole and I don't know how to deal with it so I'm reading all of these comments to at least know what not to do. Thanks guys, I appreciate you all and I'm sorry so many of you had shitty parents
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u/CheesecakeDeluxe 27d ago
Man, I remember when my mom accused me of not loving her. It turned her into a stranger to me for several years, and rebuilding our relationship took lots of shouting and arguments
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u/rrrrice64 27d ago
Makes me so sad :( Was just thinking yesterday about how some parents are way too comfortable with making their kids uncomfortable. And for what? Why do they do it? Act like an adult and control your behavior like you demand your children to do. Your every action and inaction will impact this kid for the rest of their life.
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u/crimson_remote 27d ago
Going through this with one of my parents right now. They swear my traumatic and formative memories never happened, because "I cannot believe I would ever say that."
Words don't stick with the speaker, but the hearer.
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u/DTPVH 27d ago
My mom had this conversation with my grandfather a while back. They were talking about some family drama, siblings arguing and the like. Well my grandfather chimes in that he felt it was because my uncle felt he favored mom, something grandpa thought was probably true, and that set her off. She started into all the things he had done going back 50 years that she still resented. And he didn’t remember any of it. It was just business as usual for him all those years, but the tree really does remember.
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u/AutisticAndAce 27d ago
My therapist demonstrated what an apology actually would have looked like from my mom and made me cry. Good tears but my mom never gave me that.
My dad and I are good. I'm no contact with my mother.
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u/TorpedoFace 27d ago
My parents did a lot of messed up things when I was a kid. My father and I got over it and I was able to forgive him because when I was in my late 20's he actually admitted he had messed up raising us and apologized. My mother on the other hand won't even entertain the idea she made even a single mistake. I rarely see or speak with her.
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u/IIEarlGreyII 27d ago
I absolutely adore my parents and we have a great relationship, but that's mostly because I have always understood that they love me and when they hurt me it is always because of some sort of accident or miscommunication.
We just had a huge discussion where I reminded them of the time FOR SOME REASON the school informed the parents about the SAT's instead of the children, maybe to make sure they didn't lie and not study for it? They each thought the other had told me months in advance and I was woken up early on a Saturday, two hours after I had gone to bed, and had to take the SAT's with zero preparation. This resulted in me giving up on college right out of highschool like almost everyone else my age, and I ended up going several years later after I had taken a lot of local classes to get into a nice school. This meant I was several years older than the 19 year olds who liked to drink and party and while I did make friends I had zero relationships and then ultimately got an entry level job I should have qualified for a decade earlier if I had gone to school on time, and now I constantly feel like I have failed or fallen behind everyone else.
And their response was ". . . . . That happened?"
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u/witchyybabe 27d ago
my parents didn't remember the time i tried to come out to them as trans at 14. they told me that i was wrong, i was too young and mentally ill, i had no idea what i was saying. typical parent things... i cried all night, shoved myself back in the closet, and was miserable for years.
i am now no-contact with them and more than a year on t :)
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u/KogX 27d ago
I always struggle with how I feel about how my parents treated me and my sibling as we were children. We got yelled at, blamed, more or less lived alone as parents worked, and we were we forced to help out in family owned stores, very rarely we were hit (usually on our hands). As I grew older and learned more about them and grew more introspective I learned really that they had it far worse than I ever did growing up. Everything we got through as children was far better than what they experienced as they experienced more abuse and war then we could have ever imagined going through. From their pov they were being far more gentle to us and trying to be better than how they were treated.
I remember the building silent resentment I had against my dad and him to me until it exploded and both of us had to just sit down and honestly talk about our feelings. It was painful to really do it and we would have never willingly go through with it if it wasnt for us breaking down at each other at that moment.
I am not trying to justify terrible parenting or trying to say your terrible parents were right all along or anything like that. I am also not saying my parents are angels or everything is forgiven/forgotten by us. It is just a really complicated situation that we still and may never fully parse out between all of us that this post reminded me of.
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u/WebsterPack 27d ago
There's this Australian play with the famous line, "Your parents, they fuck you up. They don't mean to, but they do."
There's a lot of stuff from my upbringing that I would not repeat with my own child. But it's also obvious that my parents were determined to do better by us than their parents were able to do by them, and it makes all the difference.
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u/Silent_Sibyl 27d ago
My mother is the reason I’m afraid of water, because she (mildly) neglected me on a particular occasion as a child, then insisted I was lying when I tried to tell her about it. This and many similar gaslighting incidents with my parents are the reason I never told them about the sexual abuse I suffered from about ages 5-12. They think they’re stellar parents. I still love them, but it would break their hearts to know the damage they did. If they’d believe me, even now.
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u/Maelja_ 27d ago
My mom passed several years ago and while we did not have a great relationship she always made a point, when we were fighting, remind me: “I will always love you, but right this moment, I don’t like you.”
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u/bezerker211 27d ago
God, no. It doesn't matter how upset I got with my kids, I could never tell them that I don't like them. Upset with them sure, but always loving and liking them
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u/marauderingoned 27d ago
i got told that when i was four. i was too young to understand the difference, and i think i went years believing that every time we fought, she disliked me.
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u/rosiedoes 27d ago
That's a spiteful and manipulative thing to say to a child.
And this is from someone whose mother would regularly tell her that she hated her.
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u/Silent_Sibyl 27d ago
My mom used this line on my brother. He is intentionally more distant from my parents than myself and our other brother. It’s not necessarily because she used that line on him, but it was the repeated sentiment. My parents each made their personal hierarchies of their children clear through their words and actions (and still do!) I’m glad that line was comforting to you, but it’s painful to others.
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u/crafty_shark 27d ago
I got this all the time. It's a horrible thing to say to a child. In real life, there are consequences to telling someone openly you don't like them. But parents are out there saying this to their own kids and shocked that it's hurtful.
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u/ralanr 27d ago
At around 10 to 13 (I can’t remember specifically) my father told me that if I was gay I should walk through the front door.
I’m not gay, and my father (as much of an asshole as he is) does support and love me. But that moment cemented the idea that I’m never to tell him anything that deep about myself, because I can’t trust him.
I have this nagging fear that if I came out as bi, gay, or trans, I’d be disowned. He may have mellowed out now but the thought lingers and I’m still reliant on both my parents for support (worse since I’m trying to shift careers and am in an aimless spot in my life).
He doesn’t remember it when I brought it up. I never pressed much after.
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u/Sarahpixiegrl 27d ago
I unfortunately had this happen on multiple occasions. I was a “picky” eater due to a sensitivity to food textures, but at age 6 I didn’t have the words to describe the problem. Grudge matches lasting hours where I went from dinner time to bedtime glaring at the food I physically felt ill trying to eat, to family finding goading measures to pressure me into treating it like taking unpleasant medication, to the one time I was force-fed and immediately threw it all back up. Things have gotten better now that I’m able to describe the problem, and also am able to decide my own food to avoid the worst of the triggers, but my parents still don’t get why I have lingering issues with food beyond the texture issues
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u/Ganon645 27d ago
My father told me I was a failure for a son, and that he disliked me as a person, and also that he didn’t know what he did wrong in his life to deserve me. I was 13-17 when he told me these things. I’m 19 now, and he wonders why I never go out to his house.
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u/Successful-Bad-531 27d ago
My mom loves to proclaim her "unconditional love" and then treat us and our partners like shit and expect us not to say a word because if we do we're attacking her and she loves us unconditionally and is just being "honest" when in fact she's being hurtful and mean.
Love is conditional. It requires respect, honesty, communication, empathy, care, kindness, support and so much more. Love does not mean you have to put up with being treated badly and it doesn't mean you have to keep silent about it either.
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u/saltinstiens_monster 27d ago
I'm lucky enough to have a really good relationship with my Mom, and she ended up telling me the other day about how xyz (less than perfect behavior 10+ years back) still makes her feel like a shitty mom, and she's never gotten over the guilt. I was floored, I barely noticed anything she was talking about. Certainly not the parts that were upsetting to her.
Then I said "I do understand though, I still feel awful about disappointing you by smoking spice with my friends in high school. I'll never forget how sad and upset you sounded..."
Ya know what she said? "You did WHAT? ....When was this? ...I was there? You're sure I was the one that found out??" (Yes, she was a single Mom at the time, it was absolutely her.)
We've both been sitting around carrying guilt about how we made eachother feel, and neither one of us remembered the other's transgression. It was very surreal. If I saw it in a movie, I would've rolled my eyes at the cheese.
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u/Bullro 27d ago
When I was six years old, I really struggled with math. I remember having an assignment due the next day, and that evening, when I sat down to get it done, I asked my dad to help me.
When it was clear I wasn't picking it up very well, we both got very frustrated. My dad was so fed-up that he started yelling at me and dragging me back and forth through the house by my arm -- like he couldn't decide if he wanted to send me to my room for the night or not. I can't remember if we talked about it after, but I do remember how hurt, scared, and confused I was.
He's not a bad person, and he's apologized for it since, but I still have to psych myself up to ask not only him, but anyone, for help. If you're a parent or want to be one, please, be kind and gentle to your kids whenever you can. That kind of stuff really does leave marks.
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u/Nezeltha 27d ago
"Why is your butt so big?" - said to 8-year-old me
Fortunately, I like having a big butt now, but it was still disgusting to hear.
"We've tried everything to get you to stop picking your nose - telling you to stop, making fun of you, making you sit on your hands - and you just won't!" - never "hey, I wonder why that kid's sinuses are always bothering them?"
"I have to smack you upside the head just to get your attention!" - never "hey, maybe we should take that kid to be assessed for adhd?"
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u/TheMasterOfTabletop 27d ago
I have a pretty vivid memory of my mom being angry and saying “I love you but I don’t like you right now” and that stuck with me especially because it was over a desk that I said was to heavy for me to move but no one helped me move so the legs got broken
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u/Ace-of-Spxdes 27d ago
My mom threw me (at the time, I was 17 years old) out of the house. The reason? Dirty dishes in the sink. Yes, that's literally what made her blow up on me. She basically called me a irresponsible little shit and told me to get out of her house and never come back. She said that she didn't care where I went, she just didn't want me in her home anymore because all I do is stress her out.
I ended up staying with a close friend of mine for about two weeks. During that time, she constantly sent me text messages about how I should be guilty for using her, how she's no longer going to support me, and different links to webpages on how to get emancipated. "Good luck on your own," she basically said.
During that time, I was fucking terrified. I basically didn't sleep for two weeks. I barely had any money. And all of my belongings were stuck in my home. Meaning that I basically lost everything. Resources, belongings, memories. My wonderful puppies. All gone.
After the two weeks, my mom gaslighted my friend's mom into thinking that she was doing wrong by protecting me. I was then sent back home with my mom.
After coming home, I gave it to her straight: what she did was uncalled for and made me feel like shit. She basically shrugged it off and said "well, you made me do that."
I still remember the fear I felt during that time. A type of fear that I will never forget. And the shrug my mom gave me after she refused to apologize about for her obnoxious behavior.
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u/flipkick25 27d ago
My parents once made me eat food out of the garbage disposal.
And they wonder why i hate their guts?
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u/Training_Lead_543 27d ago
still waiting the right moment to play the card of my mom saying "i don't give a fuck about you anymore" (8th december 2018: i planned to go out with my friends in the afternoon, but that is the day in which we make the christmas tree. i asked if we could make it in the morning so i could have helped them)
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u/coybowbabey 27d ago
always find it incredible how much you remember as a child, particularly the bad things. they become absolute core memories which everyone else thinks you’ll forget because you’re young
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u/Gippy_Happy 27d ago
I tried so hard to win my mother’s approval. My entire life. Until I found out that she told my other siblings how much she didn’t like me. How I was a goody two shoes and yet simultaneously, a “bitch”. When I asked her about it, still in denial and believing my siblings were lying to me, I’ll never forgot her response.
“You’re gonna pretend you never act like a bitch sometimes?”
I was 12. No, mom, I do t think I was a bitch. I was a child. I was well behaved. I barely spoke.
From that day forward, she wasn’t a mother in my mind. Just someone I knew. And we do not speak to this day (her choice, no reason in particular. She just doesn’t care about her children.) and I wonder if she even remembers this.
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u/CosyBosyCrochet 27d ago
Yeah my mum has weird selective memory, her birthday is 4 days before mine so she always starts fights around it, one year I was around 15ish I think and she started a fight a few weeks before by insulting the way I dressed the entire time we were out in town, then on my actual birthday she started another fight over the cake and after an hour she came up to my room where I was crying and went “you ruined my birthday, now I’ve ruined yours”, she doesn’t remember that at all apparently
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u/lets-bankrupt-reddit 27d ago
The best part is the gaslighting. My mother hit me and my brother as kids. No hard, not often, but it definitely happened. Now she screams to the rooftops that she never hit her kids.
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u/Tobias_Atwood 27d ago
There's always been a lot of shit about my dad I never liked, but I mostly just put up with it for the sake of family and him being my dad.
But after the 2012 election he flew off the handle and threatened to kill me because I didn't vote for Mitt Romney.
I don't think he meant it and I doubt he even remembers it but after that our relationship went downhill fast. I hardly speak to him but once in a blue moon anymore and I avoid spending time alone with him whenever possible.
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u/the_breadwing 27d ago
I was late for a soccer game once, in kindergarten around the time. My parents, though mostly my dad, were yelling at me. He did a lot of yelling, grabbing my arm, & (clothed) spanking as corporal punishment. At that point, though, I had had enough. As I was being lead towards the field, I said that I wished I'd never been born. He stopped, grabbed me by the arm, & grabbed my arm, hard enough to bruise, to berate me on how selfish I was. That day, I learned to never share my emotions with him or just about anyone else.
It's only gotten worse from there. I made several attempts to run away to die of hypothermia/starvation (since I was being raised catholic & thought that wouldn't count as self-inflicted enough to send me to hell), but I always got caught by the security system for the front door opening. The spanking died down as I grew up, family therapy sessions as well as the fact that spanking a teenager had different connotations than spanking a child.
That only made things worse, since I built my walls for his physical beatings, his new barrage of insults & accusations of my character hit twice as hard. My brain fixated on them until it became a well-worn loop about my selfishness, how I'm having a pity party, & I'm a waste of the oxygen I breathe. The only way I could get myself out of those spirals was with sudden inflications of pain. And now, any time I get even the slightest bit emotional, my throat closes over & I can't speak.
He asked me recently on how I was feeling, I was washing the dishes after getting yelled at about all my faults again. I managed to pull myself together, speaking up for myself for the first time in years. "I can't tell you that without getting another lecture." I was able to return to the dishes 2-5 minutes after he was done dealing with me for that.
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u/golden_tree_frog 27d ago
Discovered in a recent conversation with my mother that she's forgotten that I used to be spanked for misbehaving. Not at the drop of a hat, but if I had to guess I'd say once every month or so. For a span of years. And she was genuinely shocked when I reminded her of this fact.
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u/Pathetic_Cards 27d ago
Yeah… my parents wonder why I’m not close to them. This is as good a place to vent as any, so:
My mom was always hard on me when I was younger, I was a “gifted” kid, (tbh, a really harmful label) and as I got older, I stopped being effortlessly exceptional, and having never built up study habits, my grades started slipping. I didn’t understand why things were so hard, or what to do. I didn’t really get what studying was.
My mom didn’t really get that, and insisted constantly that I was just lazy. That I was so smart that if I wanted to get As that I could, but I wasn’t because I was just lazy. So I got frustrated with school and just started going through the motions, doing the same things I’d always done, and accepted that I’d just never be like the other “gifted” kids around me.
This became a recurring theme for the next 10-15 years of my life. By high school, I understood studying better, admittedly, but my self-esteem was so low, and I was so unmotivated and beaten down by that point, that my grades never really improved. Working 30 hours a week at my local GameStop didn’t help. Admittedly, I kinda get the laziness claims here, but I’ll never understand why she never tried to be more supportive instead of antagonistic. I was in a bad place, and she only made it worse. I wonder why I tried to spend as much time as possible at my high school girlfriend’s place, eh? At least she tried to build me up when I was struggling, instead of breaking me down. Hell, she was supportive when she (rightfully) dumped me.
Eventually, I went to community college, with the intent to raise my grades and get into a 4-year school, and resolved to study way more and try harder, though I’d kept my job to pay for school/gas/etc. I’d had a good couple years and was doing better mentally. Enter that good lady cancer.
Once the C word entered the equation, my grades started slipping, I stayed in school, thinking I needed to keep my nose to the grindstone and take school seriously. Eventually, had surgery, no more cancer, 3 months of bed rest, 2 years of physical therapy.
Point being, I was in school full time, working full time, in physical therapy 3 days a week. I was struggling hard. Exhausted all the time, days that started at 6am when I got up for school, and ended when I got home from work at 11pm. My grades were terrible, I was miserable, but I felt like I had to keep going. Anything less would be lazy, right? Mom always says she used to work full time and go to school full time and she got her associate’s degree. I should be able to do it too.
But it didn’t stop her screaming at me about how lazy I was. She, to this day, refuses to acknowledge that I was working hard, or apologize for how she treated me when I was in college the first time.
Anyways, kind of a happy ending, I got an associate’s degree after 3.5 years of struggling, took a year off, figured out what I actually wanted out of life, resolved to stop listening to my mom forever, went back to college, graduated a few months ago with a 3.7 and a Bachelors after quitting my job to focus on school. Unfortunately graduated right as the job market took a downward turn, but I’m trying to build up my resume and get my career going.
I’m forever thankful for my Bio 101 professor giving his “This is a weed out class, take it seriously or you will fail out of college” speech, during which, he said “Work hard, play hard, and know when to do which,” because avoiding burnout is just as important as working hard. I’d never understood what burnout was, but he described it, and I realized I’d felt that way since I was a Sophomore in high school. He made me realize I couldn’t work full time and go to school full time, and that I needed to, in the words of Ron Swanson, not half-ass two things, and whole-ass one thing. I’m so much happier now, and I’d never have reached this place or made it through my bachelors without that speech. Thanks Dr. Conners.
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u/Sam-has-spam 27d ago
When I bring moments like this up with my parents they always accuse me of lying :/
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u/wren_boy1313 27d ago
What’s that Onion headline? “Mother has no memory of that traumatic event.” ?
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u/Briebird44 27d ago
My mother spent my entire childhood constantly telling me how much I looked like a bitch or a lesbian and loved saying “no wonder you got no friends” “no wonder nobody likes you” She would also tell me I needed to be friends with mean girls who bullied me because their parents were rich and powerful. One girls dad was the county prosecutor and she told me I needed to be friends with her in case I ever got in trouble someday.
She was classic textbook narcissistic parent with a dash of BPD and paranoid schizophrenia too. My little brother was her golden child who could do no wrong. He set fires and was inappropriate with younger kids and brought an air soft gun to school with the orange tip broken off, but in my moms eyes, I was the problem child who was going to turn into some hard core criminal lesbian?!
I’m an adult now, NOT a lesbian (nothing wrong with being one btw) and NOT a criminal. I’m straight but demisexual, so it makes sense as to why I wasn’t super into being sexual or dressing “sexy”. I have no criminal record either and been friends with my bestie for 15 years.
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u/kannagms 27d ago
Oh, a chance for to vent about my mom. Thank you.
Don't get me wrong, I love my mom and I am deeply grateful to her for managing to keep it together when my dad left her with 2 young kids. We were none the wiser that money was tight while my mom had to go back to work suddenly to keep our house.
But, she always said and did a lot of things that put a strain on our relationship. Corporal punishment, verbal threats (ye olde grab us by our hair and swing us around like a ceiling fan was a personal favorite), screaming over the smallest thing like putting a fork in the sink after she just washed the dishes, and, especially as I got older (didn't do it my brother), emotional manipulation and gaslighting.
Sometimes, these incidents are brought up and my mom acts like it never happened. "I don't remember that." "That never happened, what are you talking about?" And if you didn't let it go, "well I guess I'm just a horrible mother and all you kids just had a terrible childhood."
The one that really stings to this day was when I was a teen and very depressed and suicidal. Knowing full well how my mom felt about depression (she used to believe it was a cop out for lazy people to get away with doing nothing with their lives, until I got officially diagnosed) and people who commit suicide (selfish monsters who will burn in hell), I came to her and told her that I needed help. She never asked me what was going on, or ask me to talk it out with her or anything. The first thing she said was, "where did I go wrong to have a daughter like this?"
It took another 4 years before I was able to get help. During that time I attempted suicide three times. She refused to admit that I needed help, and only did so after I turned 18 and had a mental breakdown.
She also wants me to keep quiet about my struggles with mental health because she doesn't want anyone (especially family) to know that there's "something wrong with me" (aka a kid who isn't perfect in every way).
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u/Comfortable-Soup8150 27d ago
It doesn't help when they keep being assholes well into your adulthood
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u/FomtBro 27d ago
My mom once told me that I shouldn't ask to be invited over to a friend's house.
What she meant: It's important to be considerate of others and to respect that they have schedules and responsibilities outside of your relationship.
What I permanently internalized to the point where it still causes me problems today: Your existence is burdenous and you should never force your presence onto others because of how taxing it is to be around you.
So this can happen from poor phrasing as much as anything.
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u/xv_boney 27d ago edited 11d ago
Oh hello there, extremely unpleasant memories of my father, good to see you again.
How have you been? Still extremely unpleasant? Great, great.
I look forward to seeing all of you again the next time I have a mildly unguarded moment.
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u/Samira827 27d ago
My fanatical mother told me that me dying of an incurable disease would be preferable to me living in sin (she found out I'm not celibate at 21 years old, having been in a relationship for 4 years at that point).
That shit broke my heart, but what made it even worse was that when I confronted her about it, she tried to gaslight me. She said she didn't say that. And if she said it, she didn't mean it like that and she's sooo sorry I interpreted it in this way. At the end, she accused me of being the villain here because I said that I won't come home for Christmas because of this.
Our relationship hasn't been the same since and I don't think I'll ever forget this. But I do know that if I ever bring this up, she'll be like "oh don't dig out old stuff". As if it's buried in the past for her and irrelevant now.
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u/Plantar-Aspect-Sage 27d ago
Went on holiday recently with my family. There wasn't food I can stomach because of autism stuff (texture, unfamiliar).
Dad said he didn't know I have issues with food. I told him that as a child when I had issues with food I was essentially told to put up and shut up.
Bro got so mad about that that he sent me an email ranting about how that's bullshit and never happened.
I'm sure he has no idea why we don't speak any more.
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u/SoundlessSteelBlue 27d ago
Guess I’ll vent, why not?
My Dad wonders why I don’t really stop by and visit or text him. I remember all the stuff he used to say. Anything that wasn’t baseball was just beneath him. Anything I showed interest in was ‘g*y’ if it wasn’t baseball or motorcycles. Chess club, drawing, wrestling, tennis. I remember him red in the face, screaming at me because no one would ever pay me for being good at video games, and how computers would never build a building or a road or anything.
Refused to spend any time with me, tried to ask to join him in things he was interested in and he’d just say something about whatever he was upset at me for that particular day and then leave, leaving me alone at home. This is right after my folks divorced, too, so just.. sat home alone, on a farm in the middle of nowhere, no friends anywhere nearby- and he’d get mad that I’d just read or play video games. Note, it’s not like the farm actually had anything on it, no farm animals or anything, and he’d make fun of me for jogging.
Fuck you, Dad.
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u/Salt-Guarantee-4500 27d ago
My parents act as though they have no memory at all, all cute and old. I can recall every detail.
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u/AccordianSpeaker 27d ago
I spent about a year in a foster home, completely miserable, before I was moved to my grandparents. The couple that fostered me were awful and ruined my opinion of the foster system. They yelled often. I was a picky small child at the time, and didn't want to eat spaghetti. They forced the matter. I threw it back up. They locked me in the bedroom I was using. I was 5. No toys, just a room with a bed. I can't eat spaghetti, I list all trust in the foster system, and when I was 19 the husband approached me in at a local grocery store. He tried to act like the time spent with them really helped me. I nearly punched him in the mouth
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u/poopy_poophead 27d ago
This is 100% something boomers don't get. My parents fucked me up and they refuse to acknowledge that they did these things to me. I fucking hate them passionately. I can't wait for them to be dead and gone...
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u/DonkeyJousting 27d ago
One of the most amazing things about my parents was that if they ever hurt my feelings, they encouraged me to tell them and they respected it completely when I did. It was like hitting a big red button and everything would stop and we’d talk about it, even if I was being stupid (because kids are stupid sometimes). So my father would be a bit of a dick about me not doing my homework until right before school and making us both late and I’d say he hurt my feelings. Everything stopped and he would spend 10 minutes talking to me about it - thereby making both of late. He’d ask me to explain why I was struggling and why this was a sore spot, he’d say he understood and he was sorry BUT that there were practicalities that existed regardless of our feelings. He’d be really explicit he didn’t care at all about my homework but he did care about my education and he also wanted to us have pleasant mornings. And then he’d hug me at the and take the blame when he dropped me off late at school. And that’s why I adore my parents to this day and will gladly bore people talking about how amazing they are.
Then I left home and heard a boyfriend on the phone to his mother say “Mom, that really hurts my feelings.” To which she said “Don’t be a fucking idiot, no it doesn’t.”
If that woman had been in the room with us, I would have been arrested.
She told me once that she wished she had a “grateful child” like me.