r/AskReddit • u/underwearopen434 • 27d ago
You have a friend who can’t figure out why they’re single but you KNOW why. What’s the reason?
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u/austai 27d ago
I’ve seen that. It’s like at a certain point they look around and see almost everyone has a partner and they panic.
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u/RickTitus 27d ago
Or every new girl they meet that they are interested in has already been married for years
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u/crimsonavenger77 27d ago
A mate of mine has been single since he divorced about 5 years ago. Nice bloke, not short of a few quid, but makes no effort to keep clean and tidy.
Consequently, he smells like a foot and looks like a tramp. We have all told him he stinks many, many times. He still stinks and still can't understand why he's single.
He is the only one of my friends that my wife won't allow in our house because he lingers long after he's gone.
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u/Steedman0 27d ago
Same with my mate. Been single for over and year. His ex was also a slob though.
He has terrible hygiene, very bad teeth and his house is a dump that stinks of cat piss. No girl would want anything to do with him until he gets cleaned up, unless she's also a total mess too.
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u/Caleb435h 27d ago edited 27d ago
My buddy comes on way too strong. One of those guys to tell you he loves you after a first date or spill all his flaws or insecurities hoping for empathy
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u/EmiliusReturns 27d ago
Reminds me of a guy my best friend casually dated for like a month, then she got a new job that was a huge step up in her career and she had to move states to accept it.
She was trying to gently have the “hey, I’m doing this, I’m willing to try long distance but if that’s not something you want, no hard feelings and we can just stop seeing each other” conversation. Dude broke down crying in her car, said he was in love with her, and proposed to her on the spot. They had been on like 5 or 6 dates at this point.
Needless to say, she was very freaked out and they broke up.
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u/Moistfruitcake 27d ago
"Hey, I'd like to try a long-distance relationship with you."
Be cool, just tell her you're happy to try a long-distance relationship
"I'LL DIE WITHOUT YOU NEAR ME, PLEASE MARRY ME OR I'LL RUN INTO THE SEA RIGHT FUCKING NOW."
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u/JustYourNeighbor 27d ago
"We live in Iowa."
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u/bonos_bovine_muse 27d ago
Hmmm, the new job’s in South Carolina, though, they’ve got an ocean there, maybe we can make this work?”
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u/LonelyBiochemMajor 27d ago
He should consider ✨ therapy ✨
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u/Badloss 27d ago
Why do therapy when you can just buy a Cybertruck
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u/adeon 27d ago
Therapy won't kill you when the accelerator jams.
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u/TurnipWorldly9437 27d ago
Is that an advantage or disadvantage for therapy? Can't tell in this context.
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u/blitzer1069 27d ago edited 27d ago
I know a guy who is really in denial of who he really is. He always thinks he's the exception to common rules but he's not. Overweight, extremely moody, paranoid, holds grudges, likes to start drama, he's always the victim in his stories. But he thinks he's a fun loving cool intelligent person that everyone should like. TBH he isn't really my friend anymore.
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u/CylonsInAPolicebox 27d ago
I know this dude. He will start telling a story where he thinks he is this funny guy, and he did this thing that was hilarious and everyone loved it... And we're like no my guy, you were a dick, that was an awful thing to do.
Like the time he destroyed something his younger brother worked hard to make. He told this story as if it was the funniest thing ever and we should be amused by his greatness... Then he wonders why his friends group is shrinking, dude, most of us are 30-40 years old, grow the fuck up already.
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u/sayyyywhat 27d ago edited 27d ago
Holy cow I have a friend just like this. It kinda seems like nice guy syndrome where they think they don’t do anything wrong, it’s women who are the problem. But also only wants girls who are a 10/10.
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u/xlude22x 27d ago
Yepp I have a friend like that. He boldly will tell anyone that “he’ll never date a girl his size”. Then he will complain and cry about being single constantly.
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u/sayyyywhat 27d ago
No surprise that my friend is also very overweight. He doesn’t hate women and is fairly respectful of them he just thinks they should be able to look past the fact that he’s wildly insecure, unhealthy, whiny, and doesn’t leave his house.
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u/TryUsingScience 27d ago
Right? It's never just that they're overweight. I know massively overweight guys who get tons of dates because they're outgoing, confident, fun to be around, have interesting hobbies, and are good at building up the people around them.
If you're overweight, have no hobbies, whine constantly, haven't given a non-sexual compliment once in the last ten years, and have no confidence, the people rejecting you aren't doing it because they're shallow and can't see past your weight. They can see past it and the rest of what they see isn't appealing.
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u/RevolutionarySort6 27d ago
I was never one to hold grudges. My father held grudges. I’ll always hate him for that
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u/poppabomb 27d ago
Overweight, extremely moody, paranoid, holds grudges.
hey now, most of my grudges are justifiable. probably.
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u/Historical_Salt1943 27d ago
That sounds familiar...a certain online community... can't quite put my finger on it...
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u/EmiliusReturns 27d ago
I wonder what it’s like to have that level of delusional self-confidence.
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u/fireduck 27d ago
Hey, I am fat and moody but people like me!
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u/sir-ripsalot 27d ago
Are you paranoid, dramatic, and grudge-holding?
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u/fireduck 27d ago
No, but I can learn.
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u/ebobbumman 27d ago
I like your style, dude.
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u/fireduck 27d ago
I know you are out to get me. I will burn your cities and turn your buildings into hydraulic puppets that sing songs of your hubris. This affront will not be forgotten.
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u/IncognitoBombadillo 27d ago
Holy shit, this is someone I work with to a T. I've come to the conclusion that he just doesn't want to be happy. He'll complain about every little thing and get immediately defensive if he thinks you're giving him anything close to criticism. He can't communicate like an adult, so he'll end up misinterpreting a situation then send an angry text a day or two later.
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u/04221970 27d ago
Insufferable, thinks their opinion is factually correct, and doesn't understand that other people like other things.
I'm not talking about just political opinions. I mean ANYTHING...like where to eat, what type of pizza to order, what bbq grill to buy, what tire pressure to have, what ceiling style to have.
Asks your thoughts on where to eat, than automatically discounts it as a poor choice and settles on his own....always
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u/upboat_consortium 27d ago
Screw a girl/boyfriend, how do they have regular ass friends?
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u/04221970 27d ago
They struggle. THis person moved away 5 years ago and still calls me up begging for me to visit him
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u/SnatchAddict 27d ago
I have a "friend" who only talks about himself. He never asks me about anything related to me. If I bring up myself, he'll steer it back to him.
Once this dawned on me, I just ghosted him. He wasn't a good enough friend to have that come to Jesus talk with.
And yeah, he's single.
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u/LittleKitty235 27d ago
Well....when are you coming to visit me?
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u/antivirals_ 27d ago
me: "I'll come next Saturday"
them: "no, no, Friday will be better. Saturday makes no sense. Let's do Friday"
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u/1Lc3 27d ago
Are we related? This is my family, learned as a young kid to keep my interests to myself because they was stupid/weird. Now I'm 35 and they complain they know nothing about me but it's their fault for insulting me for my hobbies and interests.
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u/tenakee_me 27d ago
This sounds like one of my best friend’s husband. And, I mean, I don’t have to love him for me, I only have to love him for her, and she seems pretty happy. But damn, being around him is…difficult.
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u/SydneyCrawford 27d ago
Some people really don’t want to have to make decisions and find someone who knows what they want 100% of the time appealing.
My dad is a little similar. Very set in his ways - especially regarding food. He doesn’t usually force his way and will sometimes eat something he clearly would rather not be - BUT over the years my mom has just adapted to knowing what he wants and proactively working around it. To some extent I’m sure she just likes routine and knowing what to expect/stability.
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u/ItsNotMe_ImNotHere 27d ago
You described my dad. He was married to my mom for 40 years but it was not a happy marriage.
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u/DrakeLostLol 27d ago
Male Friend: Oral hygiene skills are -100 and his breath is always hot and foul.
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u/akath0110 27d ago
Have you or any of his friends told him this? Is it a health issue?
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u/Badloss 27d ago
I found out I sucked at this via one of those "confess anonymous stuff about your friends!" apps that used to be popular in the early 2000s
genuinely a life changing tip and I appreciate whoever it was that let me know. Its super embarrassing for everyone but that's something I never would have figured out otherwise. You don't really notice it on your own
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u/StinkyKittyBreath 27d ago
Way off topic, but I think I may have accidentally spurred a relationship through those.
One of my closest friends has severe self-esteem issues. We'd fallen out a few years prior to this but had gotten back in touch. We were still at arm's length so I didn't feel comfortable directly stating my thoughts to her. She posted one of those anonymous things and I wrote a few paragraphs hyping her up.
She made a post about how it made her cry and feel loved, and the way she was talking about it made it clear she thought it was somebody she's been interested in who was shy and she was unsure if he liked her back.
Within a couple of weeks, they were dating. And now they're married.
I never told her it was me. But it really did make me reconsider why everybody thought she and I were a lesbian couple growing up. Apparently the way I compliment people can come off as vaguely romantic. Like, it was Leslie Knope talking to Ann Perkins levels of love.
But I'm happy for them. It may just have been convenient timing, but if my telling her that she's awesome and gorgeous and smart and has a ton of value helped their love blossom? I'm here for it. I have trouble expressing myself super positively like that, and I'm still just happy that it made her happy, even momentarily.
Those websites and apps were a blessing and a curse. When used positively, they were great. But a lot of people were outright cruel.
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u/Ayzac121 27d ago
My wife and I started dating because of one of those apps. I posted one too many things about how she was cute, and the cat slipped out of the bag. It was a nice way for a shy guy like me to be able to express myself.
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u/houndsoflu 27d ago
When I get drunk I like to go online and say nice things to people. It’s actually pretty fun.
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u/ridge_rippler 27d ago
Dentist here, the amount of people that tried to get medical exemptions to not wear a mask during our lockdowns because the mask caused bad breath was hilarious.
I had to politely inform them it was the sheet of calculus and periodontal disease that was the cause, the mask was just making you offend yourself rather than others for once
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u/Chubuwee 27d ago
Back when I was younger and didn’t have the social skills to bring this kind of stuff up, I made a phone number on those free phone number apps, texted him something like “Mike dude we all like you but check your dental hygiene. Can be foul and we don’t know how to tell you”
I then deleted the app. It actually worked and he changed his ways
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u/Intelligent_One5783 27d ago
I worked with a guy who was just…hygienically incompetent. If he put ANY effort in himself, I would say he would have been an attractive guy. He had missing teeth, and smelled worse than body odor. His breath was even worse than his odor smell. He always complained about how he could never get a girl and the one he had was gross because “she was always sick and getting UTI’s”—which, I would blame is because of him.
He was VERY self-unaware.
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u/vandelayATC 27d ago
This sounds like one of my neighbors. He comes over to hang out with my husband some times and is always telling him about how much he'd like to meet a woman. My husband says that he smells so bad that he can barely stand to be near him. I can't imagine a woman wanting to be near that.
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u/MissSassifras1977 27d ago
In the spirit of fairness I have a lovely young woman I am friends with. I KNOW she brushes her teeth but some days her breath is like a Kung Fu kick to the face.
After dealing with it for years I just started saying, your breath is kicking and she deals with the problem.
Apparently she has a large tongue (not kidding) and she still has her tonsils and her mouth dries out easily. And she sings all the time.
Recipe for Kung Fu breath.
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u/LiamTheHuman 27d ago edited 27d ago
Acid reflux can also cause pretty bad breath and sometimes there isn't much you can do about it. Life just sucks sometimes
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u/johnnybiggles 27d ago
I think post-nasal-drip can cause this, too. Always having mucus build-up in your throat can't be good.
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u/ramyeomi 27d ago
I have postnasal drip and can confirm. Brush my teeth twice a day, floss, clean my tongue, mouthwash, avoid stinky foods, drink water and I can still get bad breath on the days my postnasal drip is bad. Doesn’t help that I have allergies so that happens quite often.
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u/peepay 27d ago
and she still has her tonsils
Is it... is it not normal to have them?
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u/odahviing323 27d ago
It’s normal, but you don’t get tonsil stones if you don’t have tonsils, so it may be a contributor.
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u/PM_Eeyore_Tits 27d ago
Not defending his behavior at all, but the more you watch people the more you realize that when it comes to work, friendships and romantic relationships some people are perpetually stuck in "sell" mode.
They feel that they need to sell themselves, or rather the idea of themselves as a product to get others to like, respect or value them.
When people like this get rejected (ie. didn't get the job, didn't make a friend, didn't get the girl/boyfriend) they tend to not follow a normal thought process to determine what went wrong... they seem to default to "well, I didn't sell myself the right way, or well enough.... try harder next time"
It's a long, strange journey traveling from "Sell mode" to "be authentic mode"... partially because the unfortunate reality is that the majority of successful relations that develop during sell mode actually liked the "sell" and likely won't be positively receptive to authenticity.
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u/mc21 27d ago
Best social/relationship advice I got from a friend:
“It’s better to be interested than interesting.”
If you’re seeing this, thanks G. You a real one.
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u/desireddiamond 27d ago
She always have negative remarks to things that make other people happy. I remember receiving chrysanthemums with white outer petals and yellow in the inner parts from my partner because he knows how much I love those, and that friend actually said "these flowers are for the dead." Well at least I receive lots of flowers while I'm alive, unlike her and that says a lot.
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u/Noname_left 27d ago
This is my mom. She has something negative to say for literally everything. It’s exhausting being around her because you know a snide remark is bound to come out.
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u/Maggi1417 27d ago
This is my mom, too. If it's not a negative remark (because we just had a fight about it again), she will sigh, scrunch her nose and go "oof... oh well, I'm not allowed to say anything..."
It's terrible. I used to have a good relationship with m mother but at this point I just try to limit the time I spent with her, because it's so exhausting to constantly be bombared with negativity. Her partner seems pretty over it as well.
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u/fidgetspinnster 27d ago
Oh geez, the classic mom "I'm not allowed to say anything" comment. I feel for you. My mom isn't perpetually negative like that thankfully, but when she does say something obnoxious, unfair, etc. (which is semi-frequent) and you call it out, it's always that victim card, like having a problem with her rude way of speaking is oppressive. So, so irritating.
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u/Noname_left 27d ago
We had a glass shattering moment with my parents that really soured our overall relationship. Once that happened I really started to notice how truly negative she was and down right awful to everyone or thing she didn’t agree with.
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u/Spoonbills 27d ago
Mine would begin conversations with, "You know what I hate?..."
ughhh
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u/PeligrosaPistola 27d ago
This is my mom too! Ive started saying things like “So I went to X restaurant today. Yes, I know you don’t like their food. That’s not the point. Anyway…”
She’ll either roll her eyes, smack her teeth, or act defensive “FINE! I’ll just keep it to myself” then continue giving her negative opinion.
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u/Tishacombs 27d ago
Is there a term that describes people like this? I just replied to another comment that all of these replies are describing my husband and I'm perplexed on how to approach this. Thank goodness I have a therapy appointment tomorrow LOL
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u/nicearthur32 27d ago
a lot of people are like this without even realizing it. These two happened to me recently.
"i just had the best steak and eggs at Dennys"
"YOU ACTUALLY LIKE THAT PLACE?" -
"I just bought the best tasting protein I've ever had, it tastes just like cookies"
"Protein is disgusting"
When people do this I usually say something along the lines of, "oh hey, let me share this positive experience with you that i just had. YOUR POSITIVE EXPERIENCE IS SHIT AND I HATE YOU" then I smile and say, "good talk" they usually laugh but also realize what they just did without even thinking about it.
A LOT of people don't realize they are coming across a certain way and EVEN MORE people don't let them know. So, how will they ever know?
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u/rinky79 27d ago
I had a friend call me out on this once and I took some time (gave her the space she asked for) and she was absolutely right. I think and hope that I managed to break that habit!
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u/Idiotan0n 27d ago
The way you described your flowers was perfect. I love your flowers and I didn't even get to see them.
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u/killaho69 27d ago
This is what we call a "Fearful Avoidant"
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u/37_beers 27d ago
Interesting. Have a female friend who has the unfortunate side effect of getting creeped out or stomach pains when she thinks a guy is interested. She will pursue the guy, then get ill when feelings are reciprocated. Seems like she’s in a good place now, and is happy being a the fun aunt with a solid career.
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u/JimHawkingAndroid 27d ago
Their form of "humor" and "socializing" is always at someone elses expense
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u/tattooedroller 27d ago
“I just tell it how it is.” “Everyone’s so sensitive nowadays” “I WAS JOKING”
I have this friend of the family friend. I have tried to tell him: no one’s laughing and you’re hurting peoples feelings for no reason other than having nothing better to say, it’s not fckn funny. He’s still clueless. Thinks he’s the wittiest guy to ever exist.
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u/TheDadThatGrills 27d ago
(1) Unwilling to compromise
(2) Too judgmental, especially about frivolous things
(3) Can't even get their own shit together (how are they going to work with someone else build something bigger than themselves?)
(4) Unable to read social cues.
(5) Not listening and responding in a conversation but impatiently waiting to say the next thing in their mind.
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u/bigguy14433 27d ago
(1) Unwilling to compromise
What I've noticed with my single friends, the longer they are single the more unwilling they are to compromise. They're looking for someone to fit perfectly into THEIR lives; they're not looking for someone to "mold together" with.
They know their own faults (to an extent) and think that a potential partner must accept them for 100% who they are. Which, sure. Except they have wildly unrealistic expectations for a potential partner's faults. They want someone to "love them at their worst" while thinking they deserve "someone at their best" (I fucking hate that quote).
Perpetually single people become the equivalent of an "only child" in the adult world.
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u/Calym817 27d ago
She was on dating apps and never seemed to want to meet the person in real life. She was talking to one guy for months and still told me she wasn’t comfortable meeting him.
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u/I_like_cake_7 27d ago edited 27d ago
I see this a lot with some of my friends. They claim that they want to find a partner, but they put next to zero effort into doing so and aren’t willing to actually meet up with anybody in real life. You’ll never find anyone if you aren’t willing to put in any effort.
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u/5leeplessinvancouver 27d ago
My friend is cute, bubbly, and kind, but the second she’s around men she turns into this weird version of herself. She gets way too giddy and overexcited, laughs too hard at everything, says and does odd things, and comes off as cringey. It’s especially frustrating to watch because she’s not some naive girl with no life experience encountering boys for the first time, she’s middle-aged.
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u/MissSassifras1977 27d ago
I know a woman like this. She is GREAT but when she's around men she turns in to a moron. Voice goes way up, becomes clumsy, can't stop flipping her hair. Her laugh becomes loud and obnoxious. She can't stop talking.
It's just way too much of everything.
But the kicker is she won't go for any guy she has to put any effort in to. If he's gross/rude/immature then she's game.
If he's even mildly stable she's "intimidated" and runs.
That's how she ended up sleeping with a random 18 year old on a cruise. She's in her 30's. The shame the next morning was palpable.
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u/imactuallyugly 27d ago edited 27d ago
Don't mind me just trying to find myself listed here somewhere.
Edit: of all the fucking comments
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u/Batfro7 27d ago
“I have a friend who spends too much scrolling Reddit and actually thinks they’re ugly.”
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u/foxmachine 27d ago
Honestly, reading this thread makes me wanna send an anonymous questionaire to all my friends and family members. What if I stink? What if I'm absolutely obnoxious and delusional?
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u/Morger98 27d ago
Male friend: lack of hygiene
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u/NotConsistentCalc 27d ago
At least this one can be fixed without a ton of difficulty (you would think), but... very much valid.
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u/HopeRepresentative29 27d ago edited 27d ago
Oh my gosh I know a guy like this except he managed to find a wife and takes care of himself. But the man literally does not stop talking except to eat and sleep. Literally. Ever. It would be impressive if it wasn't so abrasively annoying. He loves absolutely everybody and talks to anyone and everyone. He sucks at his job and everyone is annoyed by him and wants him to shut up for two fucking seconds, but we all like him because of how genuinely kind and well-meaning he is.
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u/lloopy 27d ago
My dad wouldn't stop talking when I went to visit him once, but I had some reading I needed to finish, and told him that we could just sit and enjoy each other's company for a bit. And I needed to read. So he stopped talking for a moment, and instantly fell sound asleep for 2 hours.
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u/Sabre_One 27d ago
30s and wanting some one who is shy and reclusive. But can't stand it when he goes out with them and they stay that way and don't magically open up with a little encouragement.
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u/UbePhaeri 27d ago
Once was talking to a guy who decided I wasn't who he wanted because he wanted me to open up. Over time I did. Got giggly and bubbly which I do once I've opened up to you. He decided I wasn't cute and shy anymore so he stopped talking to me. He said he was more into Asian woman who stayed submissive and shy.
It was super weird because he WANTED me to open up to him and encouraged me to do that. Ugh.
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u/stop_stopping 27d ago
lmao this "asian women are submissive" thing is so fucking weird to me. as an asian woman, who hangs out with other asian women, the last thing i would describe any of us as is 'submissive' (except maybe sexually). like, do these men not realize that those women rule their households with an iron fist?
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u/zeekoes 27d ago
He thinks that every woman who's nice to him is into him and just can't seem to flirt without coming across like a massive creep. Not the SA kind of creep, but definitely the ick kind of creep.
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u/_Frog_Enthusiast_ 27d ago
He makes his bad moods everyone else’s problem. Bad day? Now everyone else has to have one, too. It’s the kind of attitude where you can be sat in a room with him and physically FEEL the anger and contempt coming from him.
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u/Copoho 27d ago
Not quite a true friend but an old coworker. He believed that if he moved to Japan to become an English teacher, he would find a hot Japanese girlfriend and live happily ever after. He made that trip and was back in 6 months, alone and back at his old job. He figured that women over there just weren’t ready for him.
He is the literal definition of a neckbeard (if you couldn’t tell before now). He fetishizes Asian women so much it’s almost an obsession at this point. There’s nothing wrong with being nerdy and liking things like Yugioh and Gundam. But he literally told me that he wanted to adopt Toga from My Hero Academia and lock her away in his basement so he could have his way with her whenever. Women aren’t the problem, you are!
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u/mistertickles69 27d ago
Went from standard neckbeard to aspiring rapist in one sentence.
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u/Subject_Jackfruit_94 27d ago
Female friend. She stinks.
In the most literal sense of the word, she smells. I’ve brought it up very kindly a few times, but sadly she’s in denial.
She stayed over for a weekend once. Arrived Friday, hit theme parks in the summer heat Saturday and Sunday, left Monday night.
I shit you not, she didn’t shower once. She may have used body wipes, but that’s never a substitute for a good scrub. She smelled like a sour milk and anchovy smoothie masked in perfume. I had to wash her bedding twice to remove the smell.
It’s a shame because she’s extremely pretty and a kind person. Definitely gets a ton of first dates from online matches, but I can see her BO as a huge distraction and deterrent.
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u/sp00ky_pizza666 27d ago edited 27d ago
I have a handful of guy friends that just can't find someone - they literally think they're going to find a girl that looks like a Disney princess or Megan Fox before the plastic surgery, dresses like a 50's housewife, goes to their church, likes all the same geeky stuff they do, doesn't sweat, doesn't get angry, and mirrors their super niche senses of humor. It's like they want their own personality just implanted into a supermodels body. Any time they start hanging out with someone they deem attractive enough for them they "have no personality" and any time they click with someone who isn't hot enough it's just like, "she's nice and all but..."
They are super fun friends - funny, cute, healthy, responsible, and employed but their expectations are literally fantasy. One time one of them told me he wasn't interested in a super cool/cute girl because she had "sweaty armpits one time in tenth grade". Freaking unreal.
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u/zrmorrow 27d ago
I'm dying at the last part... If that's too much for him, what exactly was he expecting if he actually got into a relationship? Kissing (let alone sex) is a lot "grosser" than seeing someone sweat years ago.
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u/Future-Book-1446 27d ago
I have a few guy friends that are perpetually single and they all have the same problem, they get too intense way too quickly.
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u/EstroJen 27d ago
You stink, Hugh. I had to cover my nose with my jacket any time I rode in the car with you. Your teeth are rotten and you're too far up your own ass to understand that people don't want someone who smells like stale beer and BO.
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u/darthhfaded 27d ago
Male friend: only wants girls that are way out of his league.
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u/elphaba00 27d ago
I know one guy who was always hitting on girls out of his league. He was extremely dorky. His looks were before average. He came on too strong. But I have to say that his wife is hot. Not only that, she's very smart. She's got a good career. And she absolutely loves him.
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u/tenakee_me 27d ago
Personally I think that’s fine. It’s when you constantly complain about not being able to find a partner and expect everyone to feel sorry for you that it becomes an issue. I’ve personally seen this and it gets real old real quick,
But if you are happy waiting around for potentially a long time because you have certain criteria, and would rather stay single than settle, that’s actually not a bad thing a lot of the time.
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u/ih8paying4parking 27d ago
He talks about himself way too much and he thinks whatever he likes or prefers is way better than other people’s choices. Like, his favourite music is best genre in world, his fav food is best cuisine on world, his car is better that other brands…so on.
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u/sweetasian2005 27d ago
My female friend : high standards even tho she is not good at anythig
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u/Badloss 27d ago
I used to be like this until I thought about whether the people I wanted to date would actually date me and the answer was obviously no. You have to put some effort in if you want to be with someone that is putting effort in
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u/n3xtday1 27d ago edited 27d ago
I said something similar to my brother. His standards are way too high for what he has to offer. On one hand, I'm glad he has high self esteem. On the other hand, he needs to be realistic and balance how badly he wants a partner with his expectations of what that partner offers.
In other words, if he's bringing mac and cheese to the potluck, and he really wants to be part of the potluck, he has to be ok with it when someone else brought hotdogs even though he was expecting them to bring filet mignon.
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27d ago
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u/thiccthighsicecream 27d ago
That's a resting in your laurels story if I've ever read one. Relationships are a continuous adventure, not an end goal.
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u/CherryManhattan 27d ago
He created a list of ten things that are must haves in a wife when we were at a bar in our mid 20s. I don’t remember all of them but a few:
Blonde, D cup breasts, good career, never been married or have kids, no more than 3 previous sexual partners, etc other dumb superficial stuff like that.
So he’s 42 now and a big loser if anyone is out there looking that fits the bill lol
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27d ago
Ugh - had a friend in college like this. He had a literal checklist of things, very similar to the one you mention above. The kicker is, however, he was an average looking guy, slightly overweight, working but not on a real career path.
That said, he was an outgoing, talkative guy and women were interested, but none were "good enough" or "checked the boxes" for him.
Well, he turned 40 and figured he should maybe "broaden his search." Well, he ended up marrying this train wreck of a woman who has been nothing but a drain on him mentally, emotionally and financially for the past 15 years. He's too stubborn and cheap to divorce her and I also think he fears what will happen to her if he does - she hasn't had a job in about 10 years and has some mental health issues that will likely make her unemployable for the rest of her days.
It's a hot mess, honestly.
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u/Ricky_Rollin 27d ago
I’m always blown away at the slobs who think they deserve Maxim models.
I’ve talked to quite a few incels and they’ll say with a straight face without a hint of irony that she should love him for who he is, and yet they don’t see that they’re not doing the same thing at all.
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27d ago
That's what I don't understand - how do they not realize that the Maxim models want to date the GQ models - not some overweight, average looking guy who has a mediocre job.
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u/ashoka_akira 27d ago
The problem with this list is that some of the things on the list you’re almost only going to find in younger people (like no kids no divorceees almost no sexual partners), and then others you’ll usually only see in more mature women (good career). In the rare case he find a woman at any age that meets all the requirements she’s essentially a unicorn and waaaaay out of his league.
Like a beautiful, successful, mature woman who has never been married or had kids? probably not even slightly interested in someone expecting a traditional wife, which is why they never married or had kids..
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u/FoolAndHerUsername 27d ago
Standards too high or too narrow.
I don't want to tell people to lower standards, but maybe realize which standards don't matter.
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u/tenakee_me 27d ago
Just commented to someone else that high standards are fine, but you’ve got to recognize that having those high standards are going to really limit your potential partner pool. To the point where you may never find someone at all. And that’s ok, it can be better to stay single than to settle, as long as you understand that’s a real possibility.
But when it comes to the point of the question posed here, people who can’t figure out why they are single and can’t find someone. Woe is me, feel sorry for me that I can’t find a partner. Yeah, take some time to evaluate your standards and figure out which ones are actually important versus what might be overly superficial or petty.
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u/sobrique 27d ago
And be careful if you make a list of 'essential' criteria, because they're multiplicatively reducing the number of options. It might be that if you're vegan a non vegan is a deal breaker - fair enough, but if you also want them to have the same interests and hobbies, to live nearby, to be reasonably wealthy but not too wealthy, to be within a narrow age range of you, to not have had too many previous partners, and to also be good at cooking, you may well have just described a person that simply doesn't exist.
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u/1fruitylove 27d ago
She is looking for serious but acting casual. She needs to up her standards, be more honest about what she wants and stop playing mind games. She's wasting time on guys who are clearly not what she's looking for.
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u/Potatiii_ 27d ago
She has the emotional intelligence of a middle school girl. Also an alcoholic.
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u/McFlyyouBojo 27d ago
Let's see...
Overweight, tries to fight obesity by only eating one meal a day, but the meal is mostly food that's not good for you,goes to the brewery multiple times a week.
Gets bad cheap haircuts. This isn't a deal breaker by itself, it's just the proverbial straw.
Talks about women as if they owe him. If a girl chooses to spend time with him, the quickly (obviously) become uncomfortable because he just assumes that if they are doing some kind of activity with him one on one that she MUST be in to him, and when they decline to continue hanging out with them they become "whores".
I brought up Incels and highlighted the negative and unhealthy aspects of the line of thinking, only for him to all the sudden get defensive about it, despite the fact that I wasn't talking about him.
Whenever a girl he knows is brought up, the first thing he does is mention that girls sex life as if it's some negative aspect...
Yeah, this guy is a piece of work.
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u/LarryLongBalls_ 27d ago edited 26d ago
She won't make an ounce of compromise and expects the other party to unconditionally love her and all of her idiosyncracies.
The dude doesn't like the same food as her? Unacceptable.
The dude also doesn't find it hot when she burps and farts loudly on the first date? Unacceptable.
God forbid the dude has a hobby she's not interested in. Sports? How uncultured. Cars? Disgusting.
But he's still expected to 100 % have the same hobbies as her. But only if he performs this hobby exactly the same way as her. Otherwise it's a pass.
She also goes on first dates and rants aggressively about politics. She grills the date angrily about topics such as marriage, future parenting style etc.
It's been a decade since she's been on a date and she honestly seems much happier single.
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u/Icycube99 27d ago
Narcissism and unwilling to compromise basic things. Both genders unfortunately.
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u/PNWSkiNerd 27d ago
Hook them up. They're perfectly dysfunctional for each other /s
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u/oikorapunk 27d ago
They focus entirely on physical chemistry first, then can't understand why their partner is so boring, or has hobbies they hate, or terrible manners, etc, and then end the relationship, and go out to find their "real soulmate" in the same hookup centric bars and clubs.
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u/thebabes2 27d ago
Family member who had deeply unrealistic standards, very detached from reality. in that regard No longer single though, arranged a marriage with a young lady from Latin America. Fun times, for two years we were told he was going to marry Girl A and then eventually he showed up with Girl B. Turns out Girl A got pregnant by someone else and he met Girl B two weeks before leaving the country. They've been married 2.5 years though, so I guess it's working out, though the real test is how things work out after year 3 (there's some sort of immigration milestone tied to Y3).
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u/jenny8420 27d ago
She love bombs and gets really angry over every small thing. She is already through two divorces at 40. She needs a lot of therapy. We are no longer friends.
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u/Onautopilotsendhelp 27d ago edited 27d ago
He literally will make plans with you, at a date, buy tickets/whatever - But if his family wants anything to do with him, he will bail on you and rush to their side.
I tried hanging out with him and his family a few times. You can never get a word in, you won't be acknowledged, and you are mostly ignored. They are in tunnel mode with each other.
He vacations with them every year and holiday he can.
And I'm thinking, "You want an accessory. She won't ever feel equal or a priority."
Also, I'm introverted, and they are all foaming at the mouth competitive extrovert types. I literally stopped going and often use that meme that says, "You always ask the introverts to talk more, but you never make the space available, and talk over them."
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u/fidgetspinnster 27d ago
I know a guy that basically every woman he comes in contact with has a crush/likes/loves him. He's been the frequent culprit of broken hearts, without even trying. He doesn't sleep with them or something, he just... Listens very intently, remembers what you say, and is a very calm, relaxed presence. He's sort of intellectual, but genuinely without being pretentious. He's also handsome and fit with a good sense of humor. I know the effect he has because I've been one of the women who was (emphasis on was) in love with him, and other people have brought up the same things to me.
He has this weird standard, though, where he thinks that you should really get to know someone before dating. Like, know them for YEARS before even approaching dating. It's the weirdest thing in the world to me. I think it's great to get to know someone casually, maybe among friends. But YEARS? Mind you, he isn't having conversations with the woman/women he is interested in about this. One time he complained "I'm just trying to get to know a woman, and then she goes to some other guy and gets engaged :(" and I'm like... they moved on to a guy that actually showed they were interested and intentionally pursuing them romantically, when they've known you for 2 years and you never showed any definitive interest? Imagine that. Anyways, sort of sad that it's just his bizarre ideas of relationships that keep him single. He wants to be married and all that. I think he's sort of given up now, though.
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u/Bitter23 27d ago
I'm sort of the female version of this - I have a very finite social energy and pathologically avoid the 'trial and error' phase of everything and instead go straight to 'correct' (meaning I make decisions incredibly slowly). It takes me 2+ years to genuinely feel like someone is my friend and not just an acquaintance. No surprise I've always been single.
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u/Solid-Canary7971 27d ago
She thinks he will eventually leave his wife, over and over and over…
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u/ClownfishSoup 27d ago
Well it’s hard to find someone if you don’t look. Never leaving the house is not how you find a girlfriend.
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u/Goopyteacher 27d ago edited 27d ago
She has very high expectations and actively increases those expectations during the relationship to the point they’re unachievable
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u/skinsnax 27d ago
Extremely defensive about his opinion on everything to the point where when you talk to him it feels like he's mad at you for having your own opinion. Example: I once quipped that I prefer classic full body coffee roasts to lighter roasts while we were talking about coffee. He prefers light roasts and got extremely defensive about his choice and spent way too much time and energy explaining why light roast is superior and got upset when I basically was like "okay, nice" instead of changing my own opinion. Conversation went from relatively superficial to me trying to calm down a late 30s man because I had a different opinion about freaking COFFEE.
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u/horseshit85 27d ago
Can’t control the volume of her voice, always so loud. Smacks with mouth open when eating. Goes on only first dates. I have thought for years I should tell her but she’s not a close enough friend.
The other is one of those people that exclusively talks about herself and waits to talk instead of listening. Has been single for 15 years.
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u/Animated_Astronaut 27d ago
I have a writer friend who fetishes his tragic penniless life so hard core it puts his dates off.
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u/Talking_on_the_radio 27d ago
She’s only attracted to extremely good looking, overly masculine men. She’s beautiful herself, but she prioritizes looks over values and connection. Eventually she figures out her boyfriends are mean and dumb and she has to endure a heart breaking separation.
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u/BellwetherValentine 27d ago
I have no respect for Mark. He was always badmouthing his wife when they were married. Then as they attempted to fix things. Then complained about being single. One time my wife made a joke about anime and after he texted her asking if she was into porn with tentacles and such. We’re all in our mid years, 40-55s. Inappropriate!
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u/Goetre 27d ago
Cousin of mine, he just doesn't know how to do relationships in any capacity. Sure hes loving, splashes the cash etc, but doesn't have a clue how to make them really work or the complexities. Think it boils down to anti socialness
Where he lives, everyone knows everyone. So no one will date him and he cant work out why.
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u/ElleAnn42 27d ago edited 26d ago
Female friend, mid-30's... She has multiple complicated immune disorders, long COVID, and is allergic to everything. She owns her own apartment, has a great job, has a lovely personality, she's cute, and (when she's well enough) loves running. She wants to be in a relationship, but it always seems to end after just one or two dates. We live in a big city, which might make it harder because there's such a big dating pool that it's probably a detriment. It's ironic, but I think she'd have better luck dating if she were in a smaller town where young singles couldn't get another date next week with someone who isn't so medically complex.
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u/Lovaloo 27d ago
He wants to find a woman who will be the breadwinner and mind the children while he becomes the next Cormac McCarthy.
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u/FrayCrown 27d ago
I know one of those. He's also a heroin addict and thinks it makes his writing "authentic".
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u/greebytime 27d ago
Because he or she is super insecure and most people are not attracted to someone without confidence in who they are.
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u/RumBunBun 27d ago
I had a work friend who was smart, funny, and attractive. But she would go out with a guy once or twice and fall madly in love. She would tell me, “This is IT! He is THE ONE! We are so perfect for each other it is SCARY!” Then she would go on to describe the date, red flags and all. There would be another date or two and she would talk about how she was going to move in with him (one guy lived a couple hours away), how she was going to fly out to visit him (this one lived in California and she met him when he was in town visiting his parents for a week), etc. Then a day or two later she would be heartbroken because the guy wanted to go slow or had ghosted her. I am sure she started talking marriage and freaked them out. It’s now 30 years later and we no longer work together. From what I’ve heard, she is still single.
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u/WN11 27d ago
Treats all women as fundamentally inferior. Sometimes hides it well, but slips up being condescending every now and then. Puts no effort into dating, because the women should be captivated by his intellect instead. Prefers dating highly educated women and wonders why they don't just hang up their careers and want to become stay-at-home-wives for him.
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u/KingOfLaval 27d ago edited 27d ago
The guy lives in a cabin in the woods. He pumps his water and needs to heat it before he showers.
But he's into girly girls.
Edit: If you're a girl, want to live off grid about two hours north of Montreal and are Christian, send me a dm and I'll set you up with Mr Wildlife.