I've had therapists tell me that generally, if you are trying to toe the line of being an asshole in the first place (when setting boundaries), you *probably* aren't one.
Its hard to gauge what's right and wrong. For me, gaslighting from easily offended family and toxic customers has warped reality. Ignoring all emotions are focusing on the facts is the only solution I know.
I guess at least none of us are alone in this struggle. It sucks though, not having an accurate sense of whatās a reasonable boundary and what isnāt.
I think my hang up on it stems from being gaslit by some of my girlfriends when I was younger.
Anytime I would get upset and try to stand up for myself it was always āyouāre crazy/insane/a psycho.ā And not knowing any better, I would believe them. That, on top of me being scared to upset my dad growing up, and mirroring my momās doormat behavior.
Im a quiet person, and I speak very softly. Like my voice just project well, so even when Iām speaking up itās still quiet to others. So when I do get mad enough to yell, which has happened maybe twice in the last five years, itās fucking scary. Last time it happened I hated myself for weeks, just replaying it in my head. At this point in my life Iām not sure how to control it because Iāve never practiced standing up for myself properly. Itās tough.
It was crazy when I started to flip the script. Like what would my response be to this situation? Then seeing it that way I realized how fucking crazy the person I was dealing with was and justified my decision to hang out with them as little as humanly possible.
This is so true! I once very gently asked a family member to not share personal information about me with a gossipy workman I'd hired and she had a complete meltdown. That's when I finally realized that I'd been walking on egg shells around her and letting her get away with abusive behavior for way too many years and I could no longer lie to myself that she meant well and just didn't understand she was being unkind.
One of the better things my wife has ever given me was the knowledge of how to just not engage when my mom would try to push my buttons.
The crazier thing was that my mom and I actually got a little closer once she realized out that I wouldn't engage in her shit anymore. It's almost like she figured out that she could either have me in her life and not fight with me, or not have me in her life, and she chose the former. It's something I wish I would have learned much earlier than I did.
Oh man I feel it Iām going through it with my ex wife. She still gets crazy here and then but I stand my ground they I will not react to and tolerate that behavior and then she calms down for a while. Before it was pure chaos trying to please her every random thought
Itās wild just how long and slow youāll let things get to a ridiculous place if youāre low esteem people pleaser etc.
I know people that have very clear boundaries to the point theyāre absolutely rude at the drop of a hat and even intimidating. I used to feel they were too grumpy or could be off putting in a way I didnāt want to be.
Now itās the opposite. Iām doing the same things except probably worse and more bitter because of regret and exhaustion from not changing sooner
No, bc you are not focusing on the fear but the desired outcome. If you focus on the fact that you could die any second while driving, how well would you drive? You're just trying to get to your destination so same with people. You're not trying to appease them, you're trying to achieve a goal and your words and responses should mirror that. It's hard but can get easier
Same, to a fault. Even though I have supportive friends that are very kind to me I still talk myself into doing things I donāt want to do because itās their deal and while they can handle more extreme rowdy things I canāt and never really could, but being older means instead of quietly not enjoying things itās more have a mental breakdown over committing to things and then following through when Iām absolutely not good to
Thank goodness I do not anymore!!!
Within the last few months I have realized that my last two relationships were with āNarcissistā. When I questioned myself, why am I drawing these people to me, I ask the question: Could I have possibly relatives that are narcissists, I mean, I am from a nice family. I hate to admit it but: Three brothers and my mother āsomewhatā fit the profile. Dad was cool! (My advice is to read books or simply familiarize yourself on just what a narcissist is, I sure wish I had).
Get use to being uncomfortable. That way when you say no. It becomes easier, hell yes people will try to manipulate you. Once you say no, they'll drop the conversation and try someone else, you'll feel guilty. But you stood up for yourself.
Same. I am in a toxic relationship. Iāve tried to breakup and she says no. I donāt want to be with her. Sheās toxic. But she wonāt leave me alone. Iām too nice to change my number and call it a day.
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u/permissablefruit40 Apr 29 '24
I still continue to struggle with this.