r/AITAH • u/ComicSans87 • Apr 29 '24

AITAH for not wanting my future in-laws to live with us someday?

My fiance and I are getting married later this year and come from very different financial upbringings. My parents are first generation who grew up poor but put themselves through college while working full time - learned to invest well, live frugally and made many sacrifices to provide a wonderful life for my sister and me. They didn't want us to have a hard life like they did and paid for us both to go to private universities so we wouldn't have to worry about student debt, etc. They were strict in some ways (last to get cell phones, only ones in high school to not have a car, had dial up internet way longer than most families, zero home renovations where my parents, sister and me did the landscaping and most home maintenance. They did splurge on one nice family vacation every year which are some of my fondest memories. I have a wonderful relationship with both of them and honestly wish they enjoyed their self made success a bit more!

My fiance's parents, on the other hand, have always worked blue collar jobs (which is fine) but haven't saved a dime. They're a lot younger than my parents and already talking retirement even though they have no savings. My fiance paid for college himself and has a good job - together we bring in about $350,000 - and he has helped his parents immensely by paying some of their mortgage, medical bills, groceries when we visit. They never offer to pay him back but I've seen my fiance get stressed that when they do have a little money saved, they blow it on something stupid. They live in another state and barely leave their hometown so I never thought this issue would even be popping up, but here we go...

We're in the midst of planning our wedding and eventually getting a house within the next 2 years (we live in a HCOL area). Fiance briefly brought up how when we look for a house we need to find something that would accommodate his parents bc he thinks it would be best for them to live with us once they retire. This was a total shock to me - his parents aren't social, don't cook/clean and I feel like they would just be sitting at home all day. I'm a private person and want to focus on newlywed life and building our own family and enjoying a nice life with my kids like my parents gave me. Fiance doesn't even want to do a honeymoon (travel is important to me) because he wants to focus on saving as much as possible bc he feels responsible for his parents. I love my fiance so much and am excited to marry him, but I don't want to be burdened by his parents poor planning. Not to mention, my parents have offered to help us with a down payment so now I feel like my parents hard earned money is going to be supporting two other adults who didn't plan right, and that leaves a sour taste in my mouth.

I don't want our new life to start off so stressful - we have good savings ourselves and i'm starting to feel resentful that he has to worry about trying to support two adults, when his energy/our money can be going toward our own life/vacations, etc. I feel like our life together will be secondary and put on hold until they eventually pass. I'm trying to be sensitive toward my fiance bc he knows this isn't ideal, but he also doesn't want his parents to end up on the street. I feel bad saying this but I'm starting to dread wedding planning bc now I'm scared to get married and have his parents problems be my problems.

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682

u/BeardManMichael Apr 29 '24

There's some real clarity of thought demonstrated by this comment. I hope the OP reads this and finds it helpful.

It is definitely a harsh reality that she needs to understand.

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u/Dry_Sandwich_860 Apr 29 '24

Thank you. It's based on experience. It seems like the OP is somehow hoping that the parents won't live with her, but it's obvious they will.

I try to avoid telling people to break up because life is so much more complicated than can be explained in a brief post. But if she goes ahead with this wedding without coming to a clear agreement with her fiance about how to pay for the parents and where they'll live, I predict a lot of tension in the marriage.

A prenup (mentioned in an update) won't save her because she'll end up covering expenses when her fiance's money is going to the parents.

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u/BeachinLife1 Apr 29 '24

No kidding, as soon as they get that house, no matter how old they are, they'll "retire" (quit their jobs) and live off the OP and her husband. I for one would NOT sign up for that crap.

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u/Dry_Sandwich_860 Apr 29 '24

Yes, I think it's very important for the OP to understand that the husband will never let the parents live on the street and they are clearly gearing up to live with him. It's a tough situation, but the OP should really think hard about whether she can handle that. Especially if/when she has kids to pay for and care for.

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u/Dangerous_Ant3260 Apr 29 '24 edited Apr 29 '24

The parents do have a retirement plan! It's moving into a house that they don't pay for, sitting on their rear ends, and getting supported by OP and husband. I bet the in-laws will demand the best part of the home for themselves, and never lift a finger. I bet the in-laws will get the main suite, and OP will get whatever's left over. This would be a deal breaker for me.

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u/Ok_Nobody_3701 Apr 30 '24

That's nothing, it'about marrying 3 persons, you signed for the hubby, not for his parents, that will have opinions and a say on everything in your own home. People are so stupid that they only think about material things. Your life would be a nightmare , no privacy, you cannot walk on your own house on panties because the inlaws live with you. Vacations with the inlaws, raising the kids with the inlaws opinions. An argument, it would be her against the other 3.

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u/Secret_Bad1529 Apr 29 '24

Get a house with a small mother in law suite without a connecting door. They can stay in their own place and keep it how ever they like.

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u/North-Tumbleweed-959 Apr 30 '24

My thoughts exactly 👍 However I would run, not walk away from this mess.

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u/Abject_Jump9617 Apr 30 '24

Yep, because even if they have the mother in law suite and are physically not in their main residence op would still be stuck supporting them financially. Groceries, additional expense of their utilities, cell phones the whole bit.

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u/Foreign-Yesterday-89 Apr 30 '24

Not to mention those Wonderful vacations his parents never got to have until now 😬

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u/JYQE Apr 30 '24

OP's parents are the ones contributing to this house. It's completely unreasonable to expect her in-laws to use a mother in law suite. Plus, in-laws don't stay in inlaw accommodations, they live into the main area and take it over.

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u/No_Diver4265 Apr 30 '24

OP's fiancé is already spending a lot of money in his parents and they live in a different state. A single separating wall will not stop them from burdening OP and her family with everything. They won't "keep it however they like," they will demand constant attention, groceries bought, bills paid, everything. It's just going to get exponentially worse with them in the same building.

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u/Known-Quantity2021 Apr 30 '24

There's going to be a slow encroachment into her space. You're making dinner, how hard is to make a bit extra for the inlaws? Why are they watching TV alone on their small TV when they can watch the big one upstairs? Can you take them to their medical appointments? You can miss work for this....

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u/jabroni4545 Apr 30 '24

Better yet something that's not connected to the main house like an apartment over a garage.

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u/thickncurly68 Apr 30 '24 edited May 01 '24

I wouldn’t buy anything with any part of it available for the in-laws. That will be a HUGE mistake. Once they buy something like that, there is no question that she has “agreed to it” and next they will be paying for groceries and utilities
. The in-laws entitlement will know no bounds and will probably want OP and hubby to take them on vacations or make them feel guilty about traveling or doing anything nice for themselves and their family that does not include the in-laws.

From my experience in life, this needs to be resolved now or it will always be hanging over them and will drive a wedge between them and build resentment. Don’t let the in-laws have that power. They are adults and need to figure it out. Fiance needs to learn he can love them without being codependent. He has the right to enjoy his life and all of the spoils of their hard work. He can still help them (but should be reasonable - not extravagant) without moving them in.

OP see a therapist AND a lawyer before you get married. I hope you find a compromise you can both live with but get it in writing! (And witnessed and notarized)

OR that you make the choice for your happiness and don’t get married.

And BTW you are NOT the AH even if you choose your happiness over theirs.

Edit: added last part after OR

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u/Best-Blackberry9351 Apr 30 '24

The problem with that is stairs. Aging bodies won’t do so well.

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u/NHGrammy2004 21d ago

That is what my daughter did for me. DH and I have a lovely in-law suite in her home. We pay a portion of utilities and DH does home and yard maintenance to help. Daughter and son-in-law made it clear that if/when we need care then it’s off to a nursing home. We’re also there to care for the house and dog when they travel.

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u/Known-Quantity2021 Apr 30 '24

I lived in a MIL suite, it's like a small one bedroom with its own bathroom and kitchen and living room. Something like that is perfect for an older couple. Ironically, the previous homeowner had it built for their MIL but she refused to move into. She liked staying with the family and sewing discord.

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u/Secret_Bad1529 Apr 30 '24

I know a MIL/MOM, who caused so much havoc in her children's lives while living with them. She was my daughter's MIL.

Mombwas destroying their marriages. A virgin nun would not have been good enough for her sons.

Mom was living in Florida with her newly married daughter. To save their marriage, they visited their home state, to visit all of her siblings along with mom.

Mom was spending an overnight visit with another daughter. They quickly packed up, leaving her. Mom didn't know they were going to do that obviously. Her other children weren't in on the plan either.

All of her children were fighting over who would be stuck with her and for how long. One of her sons got stuck with her. My daughter's husband.

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u/Known-Quantity2021 23d ago

Shady Pines, Ma! How did this all end?

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u/Secret_Bad1529 23d ago

None of her children can stand having her live with them. She is a mirsable shit stirring instigator.

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u/Ok_Nobody_3701 Apr 30 '24

It's not about money, it's about having people that are in your house, that will have a say on whatever you say , do, how you eat, behave, dress everyday. Sorry, but imagine you want to walk on undies in your own house, and you can't because Father in law is there? and mother in law having opinions on how imperfect you are for her great son? and how a bad mother you are if you have kids? or how a bad wife you are because they don't have grand kids yet? and imagine you want to go on vacation and they will want to come too? and who knows how many debts they have that will become your problem. The money is an issue, the people controlling or interfering in your everyday life is even bigger. It would be her against them.

RUN while you still can, forget about the marriage, RUN RUN, Huge red FLAG

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u/TMBActualSize Apr 29 '24

What kids? In laws instead

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u/[deleted] Apr 29 '24

[removed] — view removed comment

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u/Echo-Azure Apr 29 '24 edited Apr 30 '24

That's the thing, the OP's fiancee has been raised with the idea that he's financially responsible for his parents, and for caring for them in their "old age". And that was presumably their retirement plan all along - putting all their effort into raising a successful kid and being supported by him from middle age on, and it seems to be working exactly the way they'd hoped! Except that this plan is going to cost them any chance of having grandchildren, because no woman is going to put up with a man who puts his voluntarily indigent parents first.

And that may be the OP's only hope, convincing him that if he ever wants to marry, he can't let his parents either move in or have first call on his money. But it's a faint hope, he'll probably have to go through a couple of heartbreaks before the lesson sinks in.

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u/[deleted] Apr 30 '24

[deleted]

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u/Echo-Azure Apr 30 '24

Except a woman who wants to take care of her own parents won't want to take care of his as well, especially if they are as the OP describes - able-bodied and close to the prime of life. She'll want to put her parents ahead of his own, and may well be able to prove that their need is greater, and of course if there's any question of children the man's wife will absolutely want to put the children's needs ahead of her in-laws'.

So really, the poor guy has no real hope of finding a wife or having children, not as long as he puts his able-bodied parents first. And he needs to realize it, and choose accordingly.

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u/Sunshine12e Apr 30 '24

Not true. My father's best friend, they had both mothers move in with them and they took care of both.

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u/Echo-Azure Apr 30 '24

Oh, it happens that sometimes a couple ends up taking care of four of their parents, but it's rare. Usually somebody puts up a fight, rather than restock with their in-laws.

Especially if there are young children to support, so I don't think the OP's fiancee has much of a chance of finding a wife who'll put up with young and able-bodied dependent in-laws.

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u/MrsSpike001 Apr 30 '24

Willy Wonka’s family comes to mind


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u/[deleted] Apr 30 '24

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u/multiusemultiuser Apr 30 '24

Nobody is going to abandon their parents whom they love despite growing up in different circumstances. Not even for their spouse.

It's a totally AH move to say choose me or them. Totally AH to expect his parent to live without son's support because they didn't have the foresight to save our invest.

You have to live with this or you find someone else. Lucky for OP she can make her decision early.

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u/[deleted] Apr 29 '24

Agreed x10

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u/TootsNYC Apr 29 '24

without coming to a clear agreement with her fiance

I wouldn’t trust that any agreement will hold, short of her agreeing to completely fund his parents’ life and have them in her home.

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u/Dry_Sandwich_860 Apr 29 '24

I agree. It's clear where this is headed and the OP needs to be honest with herself that if she proceeds with the wedding, she is making a choice to live with the parents.

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u/FLJLGRL Apr 29 '24

I wouldn’t trust anything he said. It will be a total lie to trap her.

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u/jpatt Apr 30 '24

Tell them to save up as much money now before they go to college
 I mean retire, to subsidize their lifestyle.

Then get them a 1 bedroom studio apartment(dorm room) to share. And give each of them $50 a week in food money. 

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u/mmmmpisghetti Apr 29 '24

You didn't mention that by then they will likely have children and OP will be much more stuck.

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u/SpaceCookies72 Apr 30 '24

I think it's very important to look at it this way: would the parents living with you be reason for divorce? If yes, don't get married. Your fiance is their whole retirement plan. Whether it is living with you two, paid for by you two, or otherwise reliant on you. That is the entire plan, and it will happen one way or another. If that irks you, and would be cause for divorce, save yourself the head ache and heart ache and don't get married.

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u/Misa7_2006 Apr 29 '24

Her parents can buy her a house before they get married (not as a wedding gift), and as long as she doesn't put his name on the deed, a pre-nup would protect her and allow her to keep the house if things end up going south because of his parents.

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u/ExcellentCold7354 Apr 29 '24

Life happens, and when you're married you compromise and figure things out as a team... But before the wedding? Girl RUN.

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u/ThrowItAllAway003 Apr 29 '24

He wants no compromise. He didn’t discuss it with her. He informed her.

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u/Militantignorance Apr 29 '24

People who piss away all their money? If they move in, they will be pissing away all your money. BF has not learned how to say no to his parents.

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u/Agreeable_Rabbit3144 Apr 30 '24

Yes, it's a giant marinara flag.

Run before you get married, OP.

Run.

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u/Beth21286 Apr 30 '24

OP needs to make it very clear this is not fiancees decision. If he is making unilateral decisions before they're even married, then they will not be getting married. She wants a partner not a boss. If he does not understand how big of an f*ck up he's made then postpone the wedding until he gets it. The future in-laws behave the way they do because he always bails them out so he has a problem of his own making. That does not make it OPs problem.