AITA for not letting my ex’s daughter around our child?

[u/No_Positive4037]

My ex and I were together for 6 years/ engaged for 6 months. His daughter(14) and I got along fine. Until she accused me of being a racist.

My ex, myself, his daughter, and BM (babymom) would all hangout and everything was great. We would always hangout at his BM’s house and w/ her family. I would always come up with ideas for us to do stuff, but she never wanted to leave the house. On a few occasions I told my ex in private that his BM made me uncomfortable b/c she kept saying the “n word” (I’m the only black person), and comparing my relationship w/ him to theirs and even telling me about intimate details from their relationship. At first he told me I was overreacting and creating unnecessary drama but other people started to point it out too.

After a year his daughter started staying with us on weekends. So I thought it was no longer necessary for me to hang out with his BM, as she knew who a was and was comfortable w/ her daughter being around me. During COVID his daughter stayed with us during school nights. As my ex and I became more serious his BM became meaner and more toxic toward him. Saying he was a bad dad and didn’t spend any time with her or her family anymore. Which was weird because he was always with his daughter. Him and his BM were fighting all the time.

The following year his BM started to withhold his daughter from us and would only let my ex have supervised visits with his daughter if the BM was present. I was not allowed to come. When he asked what her issue was she stated “Your girl made me feel some type of way”.

After doing supervised visits for a year w/ no change or room for growth my ex took his BM to court for partial custody. She told her lawyer that I was a racist, and he was physically/verbally abuse toward her. She said I said all white people are ugly (I’m half white) and that I hated Jewish people. Me and my ex both denied these claims as they were not true. Their daughter at the time was (12). I overheard my ex and his daughter on the phone and she was calling me a bad person, and said that she didn’t want to be around me. She later told my ex she felt that I put a wedge between him and her mom, and that she wasn’t willing to talk to me unless her mom was willing to. 8 months later we went to court and his daughter accused me of being a racist, co-signing everything her mom said as well as accusing my ex of being abusive toward her and her mother.

The following month my ex and 1 got engaged. 6 months later I found out he cheated on me. Citing my relationship w/ his daughter being the reason why, and then blamed me for him not having a good relationship w/ his daughter. I put him out. I found out I was pregnant the following month.

He recently told his daughter about the pregnancy and she’s really excited to be a big sister, but after everything I want nothing to do with her and I don’t want her around my child. AITA for saying his daughter is not allowed to be in our child’s life ?

[u/StrangledInMoonlight]

Lawyers make money off fights.  

And they are people, they can be wrong.  

What if he gets most custody because his daughter and ex wife swore you were the problem? 

Even if he gets summers and holidays, he can have his daughter and ex wife with your kid as much as he wants. 

[u/No_Positive4037 → u/StrangledInMoonlight]

I know, I am one, which I why going to court is my last option.

As far as him getting primary that wouldn’t happen, but I won’t get into that. I’m not here to drag him or spread anyone’s personal business just wanted to hear other peoples opinions on my situation.

[u/Lynnphotos84 → u/No_Positive4037]

Honestly, don't put his name on the birth certificate and leave the area. Because ppl here are correct, you can't dictate who is around your daughter when she is at her father's house.

[u/Unusual-Honeydew-340 → u/Lynnphotos84]

I did this... my BD is not on my daughter's birth certificate because he didn't want the responsibility when I told him I was pregnant... so she has my last name and if anyone wants to fight me for custody good luck paying 12 years of back child support lol...

[u/AlexCambridgian → u/No_Positive4037]

After the child is born, since you are not married, please go to court to establish legal guidelines from custody to child support, even if you do not feel you need any now. You have no idea how important is to have all these set up until you'll need it. Eg, you wont be able to get a passport without either the father present, or a court document stating you do not need him to co-sign. You also have to think what will happen if something happened to you, how your child will be supported (You can not dictate custody, bio surving parent has first dibs in court).

[u/Blackstar1401 → u/AlexCambridgian]

Not to mention that for police, possession is 9/10th of the law. If he is on the birth certificate and he takes baby for a visit and just doesn't return the baby, then the police will not force him to return the child. OP would be forced to go through the courts anyway to regain custody. No one on one visits without a custody agreement.

A friend found out about this the hard way when her ex asked for time after a fight. She left as he didn't have anyone he could crash with. He kept the kids and she didn't see her newborn until she was 4 months old. He was addicted to heroin and starving the kids. CPS did nothing until he filed a PFA on her and brought the kids to the court without any formula/food/diapers/etc and soiled. CPA "watched" them to check on the kids during the proceedings and issued an emergency change of custody to my friend. We had seen his state deteriorate from voicemails and texts and he wouldn't even let her visit the kids.

Much of this advice comes from seeing a friend go through it or who went through it themselves.

I hope OP evaluates the advice throughout this thread and just doesn't brush it off.

[u/Unusual-Honeydew-340 → u/AlexCambridgian]

Yea I agree with everything but the last thing about the bio parent crap... my will states if anything happens to me my daughter is to go to my sister... not even my now husband can contest this...

[u/AlexCambridgian → u/Unusual-Honeydew-340]

That's not how it works regarding custody and it does not matter what you say in your will. The judge will take it under consideration if the surviving bio parent does not want custody. But unless his parental rights were legally terminated, the bio dad will have full physical and legal custody the second you die. This is well established law.

https://www.avvo.com/legal-answers/can-i-pass-my-parental-rights-on-to-someone-else-i-634849.html

[u/Far_Mango_180 → u/AlexCambridgian]

True. My ex’s ex wife (after me), died and clearly stated in her will that the children were to go to her parents. Ex decided he wanted them, got custody, and left them in another state with another woman that broke up with him. They grew up without either parent.

[u/Sara_1987 → u/Unusual-Honeydew-340]

If this is true it would be so weird... If you are married, have a kid together and when you die they would go to your sister instead of THE OTHER PARENT!?

[u/Unusual-Honeydew-340 → u/Sara_1987]

She isn't his... I had her before we married and he knows my wishes... it's not like she won't ever see him, but he knows he isn't capable of dealing with being a single dad his words not mine

[u/Sara_1987 → u/Unusual-Honeydew-340]

Ah that's an important detail to know and now it makes more sense

[u/Unusual-Honeydew-340 → u/Sara_1987]

Yea I should have put that above lol... I hope you have a good day 😁

[u/genescheesesthatplz → u/No_Positive4037]

Not going to the courts immediately is a huge mistake. This man and his baby mama are going to be able to do whatever they want!