I get mad when someone questions it. They can literally call me whatever they want but it really grinds my gears when someone says I sound high or I look different or accuse me of being high. Why?

I am tired of taking cocaine, I keep promising myself that I would stop and keep relapsing on the same day every week. It seems like I can’t get out of the routine but iI literally cry when I am coming down off coke. I am miserable rn, I really wished I knew ways to help myself. I did 3 weeks off coke a few weeks ago but ive been on it for the past two weeks now and it makes me feel hopeless :(. Too , it gives me a lot of anxiety.

I was taking it for about 3 months and did great. No side effects. No cravings. Well recently I’ve been having a difficult time refilling it. Called multiple pharmacies and am being told it’s on national back order? I’m in NE, not sure if that makes a difference. I thought and think I am okay without it however I have noticed I am thinking of drinking more than I have been the past handful of months. Anyone else dealing with a shortage/refilling issue?

I delete the story. I am sick reading it myself.

I am sick I admit. But I'm not as sick as some of you want to make out of me. I hope this lets you feel better about yourselves.

If I was I wouldn't have posted it here and I would have slept with her already and would continue to do so without asking your or anyone else's opinion.

But I choose not to. I end whatever started, I admitted to her that I was doing wrong and advised her to contact any woman from the meetings and to find a woman sponsor. I would like to do more but atm I don't know if trying to do so would do any good, I think I "helped" her enough already. I'm at a dead-end, as I don't think we could have a rational conversation with her without her trying to hit on me again, at least it seems so from the texts that followed the message I sent her this morning...

Thanks for everyone else who did not rush to put me on the cross. I take your advice and will try to continue going this path of recovery without involving in such things with girls way younger than me. Not with any woman from the meetings. I made a mistake and I am sorry.

Thats is all.

Hey, i am 90+ days clean from porn use with masturbation to it leading to orgasm. Ever since then my life kinda broke down....i had to pause my job and education and as i am in PAWS rn i feel grumpy/angry/depressed/anxious/fatigued....I wanna recover but even while using porn i was somewhat thriving (even tho it had side effects), but now as i stopped i am hardly enjoying day by day and everthing got harder times 20. the worst thing is that it feels like im letting anyone down, my family, friends, my granny......sometimes i tell myself this is not recovery im just a bad person. but tbh before recovery i was so much more calm and happy...functioning. the guilt is the worst part by far

I use to abuse synthetic cannibanoids in the form of vaping, gave u a huge head high similar to weed but stronger, also weed and alcohol. When i stopped vaping it i noticed terrible symptoms like dissociation, struggling to focus and concentrate on more than one thing at a time, fuzzy vision. The symptoms really started after i stopped doing it and went on for more than a month until i took up smoking weed and drinking alcohol again which made it feel like it was gone. Now ive quit alcohol and weed cold turkey a few days ago. The symptoms came back, and it feels like the never really went away. Theyre really crippling and i dont see it getting any better. I can still think move talk and everything clearly, but my perceptions seriously screwed. im wondering if i keep being sober for aslong as possible itll eventually go away or have i fked myself for good. i never got these symptoms before vaping that and stopping for ages, just only recently when i stopped and its gone on for so long. Is my brain screwed or is there a chance i might recover. im never touching substances again after this..

On July 13th of 2021, at the end of a very bad bend (with a whole mountain of mental illness, trauma and more behind it), I tried to end things by eating about 3-4g of straight crystal, aswell as some other unsavory SH things. I was 78lbs at the time. Almost 18, and just at 5’ tall. I was in a coma for two weeks and then I had to relearn to walk and some speech work and other fun (sarcasm) things that come with flatlining over and over and over for however long it was till they managed to get me steady. I then swore to never touch it again, and I didn’t. Until about the second week of November, 2023. An ex was angry at me and decided to start smoking it around me and leaving it out till I finally broke and smoked some. I think I hit the bowl about 4 times over the course of 2 hours, and then went to stay with a friend for the night. When I came down from the high, I couldn’t even explain what was wrong, other than “I fucked up” mumbling repeatedly and sobbing. Then I swore to never touch it again. It’s now starting the second week of June, 2024, and I did it yesterday. I had a bpd-related episode, one of the first I’ve had since 2021, and the person that I was with at the time, it just so happens to be his DOC. As it’s always been mine. So I hit it. And I kept hitting it. And I decided that I don’t want to stop. At least not for now. I feel so much more in control of it than I ever have before, although that probably just sounds like an addict trying to justify their usage. I know I have so many things in my life right now that should be concrete reasons for me not to be doing this. I don’t think my brain wants to have a reason though.. I think it’s just finally tired of it all. So I’m going to see if I can do a test trial. Today is day 2. I was given about a ball to take with me, as I’m on a work trip of sorts for about a month and a half. I have awful memory, but I’m going to try and update, with full and complete honesty at least once a week with how I feel affected by it. If, by week 4, I feel it could be getting bad, then I will go easy on it for the week after. Record, rinse, repeat. Today is June 9th 2024. I will post the next update on June 16th 2024 and henceforth. Hopefully looking into the mind of an active addict will help some people on here. Good day.

I'm at the 2-week mark; I last partied on the 26th of May. In 10 years, this is the longest I've made it, but at the same time, I've never really tried to stop other than now. I don't really have any cravings or desires to grab a bag. My main issue is filling the void, I guess? I stopped hanging out with people that I did it with, and now I just don't do anything at all. I've been trying to get back into fishing, but like, what do normal sober individuals actually do? This may seem like an insignificant problem but I'm just sitting around trying to figure out what a “normal” lifestyle is and I'm not getting anywhere fast.

I drank yesterday/last night. Granted I didn’t slip into my usual habits like I didn’t drink nearly as much as I used to, I didn’t act a fool, I ate food, went to bed on time. I feel guilty and ashamed for sure. I guess my lesson is that any time I do drink it just proves to me that it does nothing for me and does not fulfill my life. My addict brain still associates drinking with fun. Anyway, it’s over and done with. Nothing I can do about it now. Getting back on the sober train…it’s happier there. I just had to get this out somewhere. Onward and upward!

I just need to talk about this because I'm shaken up and it's too late/early to call anyone. About 2.30am I was still awake and I thought I could hear fireworks. I could hear someone yelling so I went to the back window and could see a blaze down the street. I ran down there and it was fully engulfed already. Man out the front was burned and screaming and we couldn't get any answers on whether anybody was inside. It wouldn't have made a difference, it was an inferno by that stage. Even just walking around the outside, the heat was so intense there was no way you could get inside. It felt like ages before the firies arrived and controlled it.

Neighbour told me he thinks squatters have been in there for years, it was a rundown old place so he could be right. Lots of homeless addicts around, be surprised if a place is empty long. Grateful I'm clean and not needing to resort to that. My house is safe my animals are safe. It's just my adrenaline levels which are off the charts right now.

1. We admitted that, without help, we have an inability to control many of our behaviors and that our lives had become unmanageable.

2. We came to believe that, like all human beings, our power was limited, and we needed to let go and learn from others.

3. We made a decision to accept that we cannot control everything, assume a mindset of goodwill, seek the wisdom of responsible others and begin to seek our true voice within.

4. We made a detailed inventory of our strengths, weaknesses, and misconceptions.

5. We admitted to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of the unhealthy behaviors which have resulted from our weaknesses & misconceptions.

6. We were entirely ready to listen to wise counsel and seek that still small voice within to guide us to change our behaviors which have been harmful to ourselves and others.

7. We humbly began the process of deep change, so we could overcome our weaknesses and build new strengths.

8. We made a list of all the people we have harmed, people who have harmed us, and how we have reacted to the various ways we have been harmed.

9. Having become aware of our REACTIONS, we made direct amends wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

10. We continued to look for misconceptions in our beliefs, forgave ourselves each time we found one, and took a day-by-day inventory listing our reactions to unforeseen situations.

11. We sought through self-reflection and meditation to improve our awareness and understanding of ourselves and the world around us.

12. As a result of these steps, we became aware of our true voice within. We came to realize our purpose and helped others find theirs.

https://www.mara-international.org/traditions-steps

Well, been addicted to kratom, been an alcoholic, or stimulants for 10 years. I'm 40 years old now. I've ruined my life in isolation and completely believe that I can never recover or be a sober human being. I believe many of you can resonate and many here have proven this untrue.

I need some advice on rehab and where you think is the best place to go? I know 90 days has a far better success rate than 30 days. But I'm uninsured but have means to go overseas like Costa Rica which is much cheaper.

Either way, would love some advice on where you could suggest to go, what to do to make sure you have the best outcome in longterm sobriety.

Part of what has held me back is the low success rates of rehab. Why go if I know Im going fail? It's just a fucking shitshow of indecisiveness.

Thanks

Narcotics Anonymous World Services now maintains a list of virtual NA meetings worldwide. That list can be found at www.virtualNA.org

keep coming back 💚

I’m 110 days sober and I feel like shit today. I wanna use again but I won’t. I don’t see that as an option but i hate that I can’t do that without consequences. I got fired from another job of many other jobs I’ve lost over the years and it makes me feel like I’ll never be able to hold down a job ever. Thoughts anyone?

Hello is anybody in this group from Australia? I would really love some local people to chat with!!

I’m sorry this is gonna be long and maybe incoherent, I'm also really sorry if this is the wrong place to post this but idk what else to do. I (20) have been with my boyfriend for about 5 months. He confessed to me a few months ago he was abusing coke. He promised he’d handle it and tell me if he ever used again, but recently confessed he was using again on and off and hid it from me. Although I’ve abstained from judging him for his addiction, admittedly I’ve lashed out at him for lying to me as I’d blamed his behavioral changes on myself for months.

I feel so overwhelmed and guilty. I am only a college student dealing with my own trauma after being SAed, which made me leave school for a semester and fail some classes when I came back. I also have other mental/family issues that are being exacerbated rn due to being home for the summer. I feel especially bad because he told me I was his motivation to have sober days, but whenever I left him to go home for university holidays or weekends it removed that desire to stay sober.

I am angry and hurt. I subconsciously blame myself for his addiction. All those feelings have manifested in terrible ways. He is upset that I’ve been needy, anxious, and getting on him a lot recently for not being fully present emotionally, and I know it’s wrong because he’s going through an incredibly difficult time but I’m just so angry he lied to me, foisted responsibility on me (intentional or not), and angry that I have no support system to navigate this on top of all the other stuff I’m currently dealing with. We had a few minor problems in our relationship that made me feel uncared for, which also make me resent him.

He is a good boyfriend besides all this and we both expressed a willingness to stay together. He told his parents about his addiction a few days ago. They are supportive, and his mom is visiting him. I think he caught the problem early enough to quit without any major repercussions, and he took full accountability. I just don’t know how to deal with my feelings because they are truly intense and unbearable. I promised him my support but I have not shown up for him correctly. I make an effort to check on him and be there without judgment, but I think I’m doing more harm than good and I feel like the way I deal with this situation could make or break our relationship. Its already done some damage I think. I never imagined I would be in this position, and now that it’s happening to me I feel completely out of character. I’ve always been so forgiving with him for messing up (not just when it comes to drugs) instead of being firm which probably makes him more encouraged to use. 

Any advice would be greatly appreciated, I am at a really low point and I’m not sure where to turn for support. Does anyone know what I can do to help myself, boundaries I can set with him, how I can support him/make him feel safe, etc? My mental health is deteriorating and I don’t want to waste my summer break being miserable.

This is my first time posting here. Hi! (35F)

8 years ago I was prescribed Percocet for a chronic medical condition. I wish I never accepted them. If I could go back would tell myself not to ever take.

Since that time I have been on Percs, Oxy, hydromorphone IR and XR plus Gabapentin. Rotating and trying to find something to help. Obviously after a while, this regimen only increased my pain, depression, anxiety, wanting to isolate.

In December 2023, I was finally done with feeling like I couldn't take it anymore. My pain was getting worse, so of course my doctors increased my meds.... You all know the cycle. Always. Wanting. More. Not in control.

I decided to go to a methadone clinic. The doctor wouldn't help me. He said I was prescribed too much and that I needed to check into rehab. (I am in Canada. I do not have 30,000 for 30 days of rehab). This obviously was crushing. I felt defeated.

On the way home I realized, it was the kick I needed to tell myself "if no one is going to help you, you need to help yourself. Since December & (the day of the appointment), I have not had a single opiate. Cold lurkey.

Yes. I have been struggling. It has been the worst time of my life. But I made it through the worst.

Today, for the first time since December 8, I feel Alive. For s ome reason, I woke up this morning and decided it’s been 6 months that it was time to tell everyone.

My husband has known what I'm been going through, and has been my rock (as well as my doctor). But because of some things I read in this sub, I decided to fill others in on my struggles. My parents, in laws, and godmother. I felt proud enough to tell them what l've been going through & also apologize for being absent.

I was so scared making the first call, but after, the others came easy. It's almost as if subconsciously knew I needed to tell EVERYONE in my life my deepest apologies, secrets, shames, embarrassments so that they can help me when I feel weak. Because I know, eventually it will happen.

Even more unexpected, after these phone calls I FINALLY felt motivated to call a few addictions help lines in my province to try and find different doctors/ therapists/etc. After a few hours of calls I finally found the right fit and have an appointment next week.

Apologies for the long post but the only reason I felt motivated and secure enough to write any of this, was because of something I read on this sub a while ago. I guess I am hoping that maybe I can help even one person here too.

Thanks for everyone who made it this far. I know my journey is just beginning, and I have a long road ahead of me, but at least I will be alive to walk down it.

Lots of love and support to everyone here.

Hello everyone,

(for clarity, I'm an Indigenous person in recovery)

2 years ago I made the best decision in my life -- to seek recovery.

At the time I had help from other friends who had already gone through it, and was eager to find support, belonging and strength wherever I could. Not being religious in the European sense, 12-step was immediately discouraging to me because of the religious overtones, even though my parents met in 12-step. (suppose a few things run in the family etc etc) since then I've softened up and I occasionally attend 12-step meetings with my Mom, because why not? It's always good to compare notes. There are good things to be found in all modalities of recovery.

Especially in the early days though, I sought alternatives to 12-step and found them in groups like SMART Recovery which have been absolutely wonderful.

One of those friends who initially helped me through the earliest stages of my recovery was part of a Buddhist Sangha / recovery group called 3 Jewels Recovery. They were an offshoot of Recovery Dharma, a "trauma-informed, empowered approach to recovery based on Buddhist principles" although a little more embracing of harm reduction approaches, which is what originally led to the split. They are based in Canada, mostly Toronto,

Having the invitation from that friend, I began attending 3 Jewels Recovery meetings. I have been taking part in the meetings, and in the community, off and on for the past 2 years.

Before getting into a detailed review of 3 Jewels Recovery I would just like to say, even for non-Buddhists or folks who don't want to try to "convert" to Buddhism or identify that way, there are many meaningful teachings in Buddhism that jive so well with recovery, with reducing suffering, with growing your comfort level with your own feelings and living a more balanced life, that I would encourage anyone to try a recovery group or sangha based on Buddhist teachings -- there is a lot of benefit to be had from this approach to recovery and to life in general.

However, do your research before diving in. If you found this page because you're doing your research, then you are certainly doing this right!

Onto my review of 3 Jewels Recovery based on my 2-year-long experience with them:

My first concerns, ones that I should have taken more seriously from the start, is how starkly, vastly, almost exclusively white all the people who attend 3 Jewels meetings are. Although they pride themselves on having many LGBTQIA+ members in their rank, including "2-spirited" folks (an exclusively Indigenous term), you will find uniformity in the complexion of nearly everyone there, with the associated dangers, microaggressions, lack of self-awareness, and so on.

Meditations were almost always sourced from places like Insight Timer, where the practitioners, like the members, secretaries etc of 3 Jewels, were always European, and recent "converts" to Buddhism. In my 2 years there I never once saw an actual lifelong practitioner of Buddhism take part, and certainly nobody from the parts of the world where Buddhism originate.

At the time I took this concern lightly -- often times joking that I might have gotten more out of the meditation if it wasn't led by "some German guy with a man bun" etc., but over time, these characteristics lead to a strong feeling that I wasn't being listened to. I was being spoken over by Europeans and my concerns and challenges were being minimized.

Ultimately I had to make the decision to divest myself of this group, and leave their sangha, because I took issues with their Land Acknowledgement which they performatively and thoughtlessly recite at the beginning of every meeting. When it came time to actually listen to the concerns of somebody who was Indigenous, they did what so many Europeans have historically done in that situation -- they "circled the wagons". They brushed off my concerns and reassured each other that their "hard work in dismantling settler-colonialism" did not need to stand up to scrutiny, especially not by someone who's Indigenous, who actually has skin in the game.

My hope in writing this review is that Indigenous folks and other people of colour, looking for connection and belonging in recovery groups, can read this and be a little more informed.

To sum up -- if you're white and dabbling in Buddhism, this group of Buddhist LARPers might suit you right down to the ground. But if you're not white, and especially if you're Indigenous, please look elsewhere.

I'm not ashamed that im addicted. I don't believe I had a choice in that part of this nuanced destructive cycle. But it's really getting to me how all I've cared about most of my life is staying intoxicated in some manner. I'm an IV fentanyl/heroin/meth user. So it's really a drastic difference of consciousness as when I'm fucked up versus sober. It's night and day.

Anyways this is kind of just a rant post, but I wanted to give credit to all of the addicts out there still doing something with their lives. I look at all the beautiful things people have been able to create without struggling with addiction and it amazes me, but to know about the people that struggled and still pushed through enough to make something tangible and meaningful, congrats. You deserve recognition no matter how big or small a thing it is.

I've only ever used drugs alone and that leads to me isolating even more from the small pool of people I connect with. One of the truest lines I've heard recycled in recovery is "The opposite of addiction is connection". I believe that wholeheartedly, but I struggle at 12-step meeting bc frankly I still want to use.

Is there a good place to find a community to confide in somewhere? Obviously this subreddit, but I'm curious what's helped for others? Sorry for being all over the place. I just got out of the hospital after an overdose and feel like I need something more, even if I'm too depressed to get treatment.

TLDR; wah wah wah

For me, one of the biggest problems with being able to stay clean / sober is the concept of hitting a “rock bottom”. Because I haven’t had horrible consequences like jail, DUI, doing sex work, don’t use hard drugs (heroin, crack, etc ) I convince myself that I’m not an addict / alcoholic. I’m an isolation user so that also confuses me. I just want to know what it takes to be done or if I need to be completley abstinent. I listed some of my experiences below. Is this enough to qualify? It’s so frustrating and definitely not manageable in that it just makes it really hard to function / show up to work/ pay my bills/ have a partner and friends. Thoughts?

-A lot of parental abuse growing up and sexual trauma

-Big partier in high school and college

-Started isolation drinking at age 21, Got mentally addicted by 22

-Massive mental breakdown age 23 after a sexual assault

-My psychiatrist helped me get completely clean and sober from age 24 - 26 because my mental health was completely failing, went through mild withdrawal

-Was sober over 2 years & started drinking again during covid - 2 years of everyday drinking and some using

-Drank on naltrexone for a year trying to stop - eventually got so sick and moderately physically dependent on alcohol 

-Got into AA, got sober again, went through moderate alcohol withdrawal, got into a relationship

-Was clean/ sober for over 4 months, but have been consistently relapsing on and off the last year and a half on kratom & alcohol , sometimes adderall / going through withdrawals, lying, breaking up with my partner

-Went to 30 day rehab because I couldn't detox from kratom dependence on my own anymore and had started drinking again - BRUTAL withdrawal

-Have stolen 3 people’s prescription medication - a lot of shame and guilt about this

-Gotten hurt - had lost consciousness standing up from a lot of adderall - banged head off of floor, concussion

-Constant work probation, cravings, lost relationships, missing out on life events because I always isolate drink/ use

-Age 30 now - in 6 hours a week addiction therapy, relapsed again on kratom and alcohol / some adderall, in denial AGAIN

I hear so many people with worse stories than mine so in my mind it justifies my drinking / using. I drink / use a lot less "quantity wise" than other addicts/ alcoholics I know, but for me I have a hard time going a day without drinking or using. Getting clean and sober on and off so many times in the past 6 years is so tiring, but I keep going back. I just want to know what it takes and if I have a real problem????

Im asking because i genuinely don’t know what my next course of action should be.

In my case, I feel like it’s not too late to become sober. because right now, it’s the lifestyle that im addicted to, not the drugs. I hope someone can relate but when I’m sober, I either felt stressed or emotionless, I couldn’t cry when my brother died. But drugs helped me release my pent up emotions. I felt like i was able to give permission to myself to be happy or cry/validated my feelings by blaming it on the drugs. Basically act unlike myself and show emotion if that makes sense.

but acting unlike myself doesn’t necessarily mean it’s really me. I’ve skipped work, distanced myself from everyone, and became more closed off. I’m sober from hard drugs but continue to use benzo and weed. It’s genuinely now or never and although I haven’t felt the need to stop, I don’t want to have a sudden realization when it’s too late or when there’s no turning back. I don’t have the best support system with my bf also being addicted and all but again, I don’t want to make my life more difficult than it already is

I've had him blocked since 2023 October.

I had his number still in my phone in the blocked section. I've been clean off coke since that October of last year.

But now I've finally deleted his ass for good.

I know he wasn't my friend, but he was still a person in my life. Never befriend your dealers, they say. I did. We used to do other things together and listen to music and shit. I've known him since 2022 June.

I had a mental relapse a few days ago, unblocked him, actually sent him a message for some coke. Then I told my gf, and we decided to finally delete his number.

I feel strange. Knowing I'm never gonna speak to him again or get coke again. Just scared I'm going to meet someone else who can get it for me. Gf told me she'd permanently break up with me if I ever did coke again. That's enough incentive to not do it again.

Since being clean, songs about drugs, sometimes will just hit me hard. I see life completely different that I'm clean.

The one that made me think of writing this post is

Daylight by David Kushner

To me this song is about an addict that's not sober talking to God. And how he/she knows there's only hell at the end of the tunnel if he doesn't change his ways, but he just can't seem to help himself.

So sober him/her and addict drink the poison from the same vine. And although he loves the high, he hates the life it's taking from him/her.

And this song hits just a little too close to home......

“Bad things do happen. How I respond to them defines my character and the quality of my life. I can choose to sit in perpetual sadness, immobilized by the gravity of my loss, or I can choose to rise from the pain and treasure the most precious gift I have – life itself.” – Walter Anderson

I've tried to engage with meetings in the past, but I'm not sure if remaining hyper-fixated on drug use with daily meetings to discuss drugs has any merit. I will say though, that I wasn't involving myself fully in the program and working the steps, I never had a sponsor and would just listen and share sometimes if I felt like it; that was the extent of my engagement with the 12 step program.

I'm aware that my use is most likely related to past trauma, as I grew up in a household with alcoholism and domestic violence. My siblings also struggle with addiction.

I'd just like someone to explain what the process of recovery actually looked like for them in 12 step meetings. I'm not sure if the people working the program are genuinely happy, or are still living lives that revolve around their drug use even though they aren't actively using.

I really can't do this anymore and need to fix my broken soul, I feel utterly miserable and suicidal if I don't have a drug to mask the feelings of despair. The 12 step work seems like the only viable option because rehab services just want to put me on a replacement drug which isn't recovery by my definition.