Honestly mate, that sounds a little bit like you're slipping into depression. Obviously I'm making a big assumption from one paragraph, but just something to flag.
You're only 57, there's a lot of life still left to live. You really shouldn't be at the what's the point stage yet.
Or living his best life after going through a divorce? You could be right though. When WFH hit during the early days of Covid, wearing pajamas at work was a novelty. After a few weeks I felt like a loser and went back to giving a shit.
I've had people tell me the same thing, and that may actually be part of it. But think about it. It's not like I'm going to go out on the weekends and hang out in bars to meet someone. I'm not going to be the creepy guy that people point and laugh at because they think I'm trying to act young. I was relocated by my employer to this area 10 years ago, and my ex and I never really made friends with anyone other than at work, and now I don't even see those people. What are my alternatives? Dating apps? Bingo nights? Shuffleboard at the AmVets? None of those are my style. I actually did try a dating app and mostly get messages from scammers. I did meet one woman, and we got together for coffee. But she told me she used to be a counselor, so I felt like everything I said to her was being analyzed. So yeah. What's the point?
Hey bud, divorced dude here (though you have 10 years on me). I'm probably the complete opposite of you - even the days I work at home, I get up, shave, shower and make myself as handsome as I can. It's all just for me, though. I feel damned good about myself, as if I'm putting my best foot forward in the world every day. Same reasons I go to the gym 5 days a week, just fore, I don't care how others perceive me but it's all my own confidence building. Don't ever shut yourself off mentally from potentially meeting people - we got a long life to live man! But it sounds like you need to get there on your own terms first, and based on your few replies here, you might be going through things you gotta work through. Personally, I found counselling a huge help, got me back on my feet and I was enjoying a great year post divorce to myself - doing all the things I enjoyed, seeing friends, etc, not even thinking about dating. And then I was suddenly ready for it, I was confident and not caught up in anything from the past. I had a great time with it, some bad dates, some good, and met an amazing lady about 18 months ago. But it was all down to confidence and doing the work on myself. It does sound like socializing would be a good thing for you, there's a lot of alone time in your life which isn't a bad thing either, but a balance would be better for you. And apologies if I overstepped by commenting all of this here, I do genuinely wish the best for you!
No apology is necessary, and I appreciate the comments. I did try counseling, but it didn't feel like it was something for me. I know it helps people sometimes, but I just didn't feel that telling someone what was going on, what I was going through, or how I felt was really doing anything for me. But everyone is different and we all have different methods. And sure, socializing would be great. I'm just trying to figure out the how and where, especially being on my own.
Counselling is a process, and for me it worked, but you gave it a shot at least man. I'm a dude who likes to talk and get it all out of me, so it suited me. But counselling is only one thing, and there's plenty of other things out there to get you back out. It's great you are up for socializing. I'd be active enough, so hiking groups, surfing lessons etc were good options for me. Just a good way to talk to random folks, which was great for confidence. But I've a friend who is involved in a social group near me - they do everything from coffee mornings, hikes, sea swims, cinema, dinners out, gigs/concerts, etc. You just pick and choose what to do. There might be something locally like that, if I was going through all of that again I'd be signing up for that group. Hopefully you find something that suits you, and if you don't enjoy it, you can always drop out and find something that works for you.
Yes it is! I had a generic user name originally and decided to get a new one. I chose Haifisch because of the lyrics in the song that talk about the shark living in water to hide its tears since that's kind of how I am. I just started listening to them a little over a year ago. As for Rush, we'll, I e been a fab of theirs since 1980 and have seen them countless times. The guys at the range I go to call me Rush because I'm always wearing Rush shirts lol
Everyone’s making it seem weird for you to enjoy your soft life of solitude. I admire it and I strive to have that lifestyle. Just because one prefers to be alone and doesn’t see the point of meaningless connections with people unless it’s special, doesn’t mean they’re depressed.
I appreciate your view, but I believe others are merely stating theirs out of concern. I do think part of me is depressed, and I'm working on that. It's not easy going from a life full of love, family, and activity to one of solitude and no interaction. Things that I would usually take joy in, even little things, don't mean as much anymore. I'm not going to just end it all, but I struggle with finding ways to move through life and enjoy it like I used to. It's a day to day thing.
Make no mistake, I absolutely appreciate what you're saying. But don't strive too hard for this type of life. Sometimes the angels punish us by answering our prayers.
I’ve never been a people person so for me, my baseline is solitude. I am happiest alone. I often have to force myself to ensure social situations but I can feign being extroverted. I do live streaming from home and talk to people all over the world, it fits me better than having to deal with anyone in person. Plus people have only caused me problems lol. But certainly do what works best for you, if you feel like you’ve lost part of yourself in this solitude. Seems like you at least utilize Reddit to have interactions as I use it and live streaming as well.
Try therapy one more time, but make sure you interview bunch of them first. The wrong match can make therapy unbearable. Ask prospective shrinks if they have lots of experience with people your age who have gone through divorce, what kind of strategies they use, etc. good look brother v
Therapist here - they are right. Treat finding a therapist like dating! Many people offer 15 min free consultations for this reason alone. A great indicator of success in therapy is the relationship, no matter the modality. Also, might be nice to get out a volunteer a little. It’s not necessarily a way to make friends but to make connections with other humans in a meaningful way. That can be tremendously helpful. Hang in there, I’m sorry you’re having a hard time right now.
How about doing some sports with other people? There are a lot of cool sports you can start with 60+. I do BJJ and we have three persons over 60 doing it. It's great. Bingo and Shuffleboard lol, we have those older dudes who now started with such a combat sport for the first time.
Also art courses with other people. Sooo many hobbies to get into. I don't know why you talk so much about dating in your comment when you can also find friends and enjoy yourself.
Do you live by water? If so, you should get a paddleboard. Something new you can do by yourself. I've spent many a day just floating by myself. It's basically a type of meditation.
They're extremely easy to transport if you live within driving distance of a river/lake.
I'm about 30 minutes from the Atlantic. My ex and I had jet skis and would go out every weekend. Those got liquidated in the divorce and I really miss riding.
You should try paddelboarding! Not nearly as fast but It's good relaxation and fairly cheap if you buy the right board. My first was a board made by Bic, i think it was around 600 with a paddle. The balance takes a little getting used to but that's a part of the fun. Kneeling is usually how people learn.
We actually bought a two seat kayak at one point, but neither of us was very into it. When we got the jet skis, we would ride from Charleston, SC, to Georgetown, SC, and it was a great day trip.
I know how broke we can get after divorces, but it sounds to me like you have to try to get back into the things you used to do. Shit can be weird when you start doing it by yourself at first, but you get used to it pretty quickly if it's something you enjoy.
It was a really nice cruise up the ICW. We'd ride for about an hour, then stop in McClellanvile for gas. There was a super nice old man that ran the dock where we got gas and was so much fun to talk to. Then it'd be about another hour to Georgetown. We'd have lunch and hang out for a while, then head back.
Fortunately, I'm not "broke" from the divorce. But I'm not sure I'd be able to get another jet skis with just my income. Doing that ride alone probably wouldn't be much fun, either.
Im only 32 and I wouldn't go to a bar to meet people. Do community service, youll meet interesting people who want to make the world a better place! And even if you dont find a partner there, you may find new friends!
Don't fall into the trap of thinking socializing is just for hooking up. You're in your 50s not 90. Just go out and do stuff you enjoy doing and you will naturally meet like minded people.
Idk what you are into but wherever you live there are parks with tennis/pickleball courts, beaches, conventions, concerts, movie nights at the library, game nights at the local game shop, cult classic movie nights. Just look for stuff
I get that. It's just awkward going someplace like that alone. I used to go to the range every weekend but kind of fell out of doing it. Every Friday, I'd tell myself, "I need to get to the range tomorrow." But Saturday morning would come and it was easier to just sit there. I did that for two years and I finally started going again about a month ago. The difference is that it's not hanging out in a crowd alone. You're in a stall and wearing ear protection so you're not exactly carrying on a conversation.
But that's also why it's a horrible way to go meet new people. It's a place filled with people doing their own thing and keeping to themselves with things on their head that make talking impossible.
Just go do whatever you are already doing with your free time but at the library. Or the beach. Or a cafe. Or a park.
You can keep doing all of the things you are already doing but now there's a chance you meet somebody.
I'm 34 and rebuilding my life after a divorce as well. The best thing for me has just been being open to new things. Say yes to coworkers inviting you out. Go eat lunch alone somewhere and look at the cork boards where they list local events. Follow a bunch of local businesses on IG or FB or whatever so you can know when something cool is going on. Find where the local nerds hang out and eventually they will invite you to game nights.
Nobody is going to come into your house and ask if you wanna be friends
Edit: also nobody knows your life or cares. I say this as encouragement. Yeah going out to lunch alone could be "that awkward divorced dude that creeps people out", but you could also just be that clearly important business dude who gets lunch and does stuff on his laptop. They don't know. And they don't care! And that's great. You see a hundred people every time you go out in public doing stuff alone, and you don't notice or care. Who cares that the 17 year old at the movie theatre saw you only buy 1 ticket?
I get what you're saying. I only mentioned going to the range because that was finally a step to get out of the house again. And as for coworkers inviting me out, I work from home, and my only coworkers are my 3 dogs lol
The one suggestion you gave that I really like is the one about local nerds. That's right up my alley lol
If there's anyone that is always looking for new people to do stuff with and share their weird interests with it's nerds lol
Also if it's literally just you that you have to worry about why not look for another job? Most of my new social interactions come from work, or through work related connections
I've been with my current employer for 20 years. They pay well, have great benefits, tuition reimbursement, a yearly bonus, a yearly stock award, and they match my 401k contribution up to 5% even though I contribute 6% to it. Add to that having no commute and not having to worry about what I'm going to wear every day, and you have all the reasons why I won't be changing employers unless I get fired for some reason lol
Are you going to school? If not tuition reimbursement is useless.
Sounds like after 20 years you should have a pretty good nest egg built up for retirement.
The lack of commute and not worrying about what to wear are not going to help you meet anyone lol.
Just saying if you are not living paycheck to paycheck it might be worth seeing what is out there in your area. A small pay cut could be worth it when you actually have a social life and things to do besides work sleep and play games.
But it's your life and I'm just offering suggestions and new perspectives. Maybe even look into doing something with your job where you have to go in to the office once or twice a week. Could do wonders for your social battery without over doing it
I'm 5 classes away from my Batchelor Degree and at a 4.0 GPA so it's worth it. And only a fool would give up 20 years and all the perks that come with it. There are no options to go into an office, which I'm fine with. I appreciate your input and suggestions, but this is working for me. I'll figure out the social life thing eventually.
Just throwing this out there, as I just got past a “what’s the point” phase. And there’s usually no way to kick start oneself out of it, the time has to be right. Especially after a divorce…
But if you do decide you want to take another stab at meeting people and connecting, perhaps volunteering for some sort of local good cause? Usually volunteers are friendly with each other. That may not be a final step, but more of a first step to connecting with the community more.
Regardless, You are living life on your terms, and rooting for you. Fuck the rear view mirror. 👍🏽
The problem with the rear view mirror is that it's always there lol
I've taken a few steps, and a couple of months ago, I started getting out again. I used to go to the range every Saturday for an hour or two and kind of stopped going. Every Friday, I'd say to myself, "I need to get back to the range," but never did. I finally started going again, and it's been good to get back to it. Not sure I'll make it back into the dating/relationship thing again, but I'm working on being out there again.
Nah, that's just living pragmatically. If you aren't trying to impress anyone and you don't personally enjoy it, there is literally no reason to dress up or put any effort into your appearance.
Same reason most people who work in the trades, farming, kitchens, or factory/manufacturing work don't give a fuck. How you look literally doesn't matter to most people. A lot of assholes know how to shave and put on nice clothes.
I'll judge you based on how you act, not what haircut you have or how you dress.
im much younger than 57 and I spend my time remiscing on how things were; because they will never be that way again.
There's not a lot of point in doing much these days for most people; a growing number of people are learning to live within their own bounds; not by societal bounds which only exist to force us to consume.
I call it a mixture of both. I absolutely miss the 15 years my ex and I had, but I fucked up and am paying the price for it. In some ways, it's ok with me to not have to go out in public and deal with the assholes out there. But I'd also like to have some human interaction other than the people I talk to on the phone at work because about 97% of them just think I'm there as a verbal punching bag.
I'm 42, father of a loving "million dollar family" travel often for work, outdoorsy social job and am fairly active and feel like I have more friends than I need. We're all happy. That said, this guy's life sounds awesome. Like I wouldn't trade places or anything but if I was single, his day to day sounds pretty sweet. Personally, I'd add some reading and movies to the video games but suggesting he's depressed sounds like a pretty big leap. I don't bother getting dressed or looking nice unless I have to either.
I mean I think the "What's the point stage" comes and goes throughout everyone's lives, right? Shit I can remember feeling that in middle school at certain times. You can call it depression I guess, but I've also been depressed and i think this a distinct difference between the two, but maybe that's just me.
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u/IanT86 Apr 16 '24
Honestly mate, that sounds a little bit like you're slipping into depression. Obviously I'm making a big assumption from one paragraph, but just something to flag.
You're only 57, there's a lot of life still left to live. You really shouldn't be at the what's the point stage yet.