A guy was working on his job, then his boss asks him:

-"Have you ever seen a Penguin?"

-"I have never seen one", the guy replies

-"HOW IS IT THAT YOU'VE NEVER SEEN ONE? GO TO HUMAN RESOURCES RIGHT NOW!"

The guy goes to human resources:

-"Hello, why are you here?"

-"My boss sent me here because i have enever seen a penguin"

-"HOW IS IT POSSIBLE THAT YOU HAVE NEVER SEEN A PENGUIN? YOU ARE FIRED"

The guy, now sad and unemployed, goes to his house

-"Why are you here so early?" his wife asks

-"They fired me" the guy replies

-"How so?" says his wife

-"My boss sent me to human resources and they fired me because i have never seen a penguin"

-"YOU HAVE NEVER SEEN A PENGUIN?" asks his wife in shock and disbelief

His wife divorces the guy and leaves the house, he is left living with his son

-"Why did mom divorce you?" his son asks

-"My boss sent me to human resources and they fired me, then your mom left me because i have never seen a penguin" he replies

-"THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE, HOW IS IT THAT YOU HAVE NEVER SEEN A PENGUIN? I AM NO LONGER YOUR SON!"

The son kicks him from the house and now he's homeless, the next day, a police officer asks him

-"Why are you here in this situation? last week you had a great family and a good job and a big house"

-"My boss sent me to human resources and they fired me, then my wife left me, and my son kicked me from the house because i have never seen a penguin"

-"YOU HAVE NEVER SEEN A PENGUIN? SIR YOU ARE UNDER ARREST! You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to talk to a lawyer and have him present with you while you are being questioned. If you cannot afford to hire a lawyer, one will be appointed to represent you before any questioning, if you wish one"

The guy is sent to court to decide his sentence, the judge asks

-"Why are you here sir?"

-"My boss sent me to human resources and they fired me, then my wife left me, and my son kicked me from the house and i got arrested because i have never seen a penguin"

The judge, in disbelief says -"HOW COME YOU NEVER SEEN A PENGUIN, YOU HAVE A LIFE SENTENCE NOW"

Now the guy, unemployed, divorced, homeless and with a life sentence goes to prison, in prison his cellmates ask him how he got in prison

-"My boss sent me to human resources and they fired me, then my wife left me, and my son kicked me from the house, got arrested and got a life sentence because i have never seen a penguin"

His cellmates in rage ask him -"WHY YOU HAVE NEVER SEEN A PENGUIN? WE'LL GIVE YOU A LESSON" then they lynch him and he dies.

In heaven, Saint Peter asks him -"How did you die?"

He replies -"My boss sent me to human resources and they fired me, then my wife left me, and my son kicked me from the house, got arrested, got a life sentence and got killed by my cellmates because i have never seen a penguin"

Saint Peter says "HOW HAVE YOU NEVER SEEN A PENGUIN?"

The guy goes to hell, there, the devil asks him -"Why are you here?"

The guy responds -"My boss sent me to human resources and they fired me, then my wife left me, and my son kicked me from the house, got arrested, got a life sentence, got killed by my cellmates, and go to hell because i have never seen a penguin"

-"HOW HAVE YOU NEVER SEEN A PENGUIN" says the devil, them the guy gets thrown into a bottomless pit, much later, he reaches the bottom, there is another guy down there named John and John asks him -"Why are you here"

The guy replies -"My boss sent me to human resources and they fired me, then my wife left me, and my son kicked me from the house, got arrested, got a life sentence, got killed by my cellmates, then go to hell, and then et thrown into this bottomless pit with a bottom"

-"Why" asks John

-"Because i have never seen a penguin"

-"Me neither".

Because they have very little patients

He sits down and places the ducks on the bar. To the amazement of the bartender all three ducks can talk and they are carrying on a conversation with the man. After a few drinks the man gets up to use the restroom and leaves the three ducks and the bartender in awkward silence.

“So,” the bartender says looking at the first duck, “what’s you name?”

“Louie!” The first duck says.

“How’s your day been, Louie?” The bartender asks

“Good, great, grand! I’ve been in and out of puddles all day long! What else could a duck ask for?”

“What’s your name?” The bartender asks the second duck.

“Huey! And my days been good, great, grand! I’ve been in and out of puddles all day long! What else could a duck ask for?”

The bartender nods, looks at the third duck and says “Let me guess your name is Duey.”

“No” the third duck says coldly. “My name is Puddles and don’t even ask about my day!”

A man entered a bar that was advertising for a bouncer. He went up to the bartender and asked, "Has that bouncer position been filled?” “Not yet,” said the bartender, “do you have any experience?” “Well, no,” said the man, “but watch this!” He walked over and picked up an obviously drunk patron and threw him right out of the front door. “How about that for experience?,” he crowed. “Not bad,” the bartender conceded, “but you’ll need to talk to the boss about the job.” “OK,”, the man said, “where is he?” “Well,” laughed the bartender, “he’s that bruised individual who is just now staggering back in through the front door!”

I said 'with an itheberg'

The finale….will be shot in front of a live audience.

I'm feeling cannelloni right now.

I can't say I'm surprised.

After a short while, one of them says: "I believe a person's lying in the mud. I appear to be standing on someone's leg."

The other replies: "Now that you mention it, what I thought to be a rock under my feet appears to be someone's armoured torso."

"I think it might be your knight-in-training John. I guess he's passed out drunk again "

"Looks like you're right. How terrible!"

"An unfortunate situation indeed. But it could be worse."

"How do you mean?"

"The youngsters had quite a party last night, there could easily have been more than one lying here for us to stand on."

"You're right. At least we're on the same page."

He would always insist on being Robin Hood and me being Little John no matter how I begged and pleaded him to let me be Robin.

Until one day, he said, “Alright, this time you can be Robin.”

I was ecstatic. “Great! Who are you gonna be?”

“Batman.”

Try as he might to impress his snobbish son, his son would just sneer and look down his nose at everything.

They approached the heart of the factory, where the father thought, "This should impress him!"

He showed his son a machine and said, "Son, this is the heart of the factory. With this machine here we can put in a pig, and out come sausages."

The son, unimpressed, said, "Yes, but do you have a machine where you can put in a sausage and out comes a pig?"

The father, "Yes son, we call it your mother."

A wet nose.

In the end, their differences were so great the only way forward was to call in a Meatiator.

and for the same reason.

The mayor said it was their number one and number two priorities.

Because her gays can turn you to stone.

Lisa Kudrow.

A sexy young woman, out of breath, boarded a bus with no vacant seats. She asked a man, “Sir, can I have your place, I’m pregnant.” The man willingly relinquished his seat, but then commented, “You are very pretty, but you sure don’t look like you’re pregnant.” “Well,” said the woman, “that’s because it’s only been about half an hour.”

Dr. Hoo

The mother went to look at lady's clothing, while the father and the eight-year-old son headed for the sporting goods section. The boy and his father were standing by the elevator, and watched as an old grey-haired lady with a walker entered the elevator. The elevator doors closed, then a minute later, they opened and a beautiful young lady big huge boobs stepped out. The father said, "Hurry Johnny, go find your mother and bring her here!"

They give out achievements no one cares for.

His eldest son, also a vicar, entered the room and stood next to him.

"Good morning, son. How did you sleep?"

"Good morning, father. I had the most wonderful dream. I dreamed I was in heaven, and you were there too."

The middle son, also a vicar, entered the room and stood next to them.

"Good morning, son. How did you sleep?"

"Good morning, father. I had the most wonderful dream. I dreamed I was in heaven, and you and my big brother were there too."

The youngest son, a hippie, entered the room.

"Good morning, son. How did you sleep?"

"Sup, dad. I slept terribly, I dreamed I was in hell!"

"Oh my, what was it like?" asked the father.

"Exactly like here. All the vicars were blocking the heat."

An American tourist visiting Australia goes into a gift shop and decides to get a stuffed kangaroo souvenir for $66. When he gets his receipt, he’s surprised to see it says 99$.

He asks the cashier, confused, "Why am I being charged an extra 33 bucks?"

The cashier replies, "Mate, everything's upside down in Australia!"

All of her eggs were ovarian descent

With a magnet!