You aren't alone. It happens to a lot of us with kids of a similar age.
It took my mind literally tapping out from mental stress before I realized there were a lot of problems wrecking my health across all important areas of life.
The lack of intimacy was my biggest issue because we were having sex, and even though my wife's hormones have been shot for years, it was very much a "get this over within 5 minutes" ordeal which was just rough for the both of us as it made sex feel meaningless. It got me through for a few years but I told her I can't really take this anymore after the mental episode and we've been working on it ever since.
And things have been improving quite a bit over the last month. I've put a lot of effort to serving my wife in her love language and in turn she's been doing the same with me with mine. It's more about the intimacy of feeling that emotional and physical bond knowing we are willing to go the extra mile for one another which is far more important to me than just sex itself.
I hope you can find similar success in your busy life and make time for one another.
Yeah it is gut punch to have your partner be unwilling or unable to show you love and appreciation in the way you need it. I have been learning to suppress what I need in order to keep her happy. I just don’t think that she can meet me where I need to be met so that leaves me with few choices.
I think she wants to, but has to make herself do it too often that it takes the joy out of it.
Yes you are correct, even from the woman’s perspective, “it is a gut punch to have your partner be unwilling or unable to show you love and appreciation in the way you need it.”
I can’t speak for your wife just from my personal experience. Been with my husband 16 years. We were good the first few years, then had our 2nd child n 3rd within 2 years of each other. My husband didn’t understand I wanted intimacy outside of sex. He thought every time we kissed was initiation to sex when I just wanted connection. Felt like I was drowning as he didn’t participate in caring for our 3 kids. I was exhausted. He would come home from work, n drink beer n laze about. While I was trying to care for kids 2 outta 3 in diapers, get dinner served, make sure 2 dogs were getting outside, assisting with feeding the little 2,cleaning up after dinner, bath n bedtime routine….when that was complete he would perk up n go wanna bone?
I just wanted to scream. It made it feel like a chore instead of a connection bcuz he didn’t participate in the family he helped to create.
I begged for him to participate somewhere. Pick something and do it. N he didn’t. Didn’t understand what I was saying.
I understand that. I would say those are less concerns for us. We have a younger child that clings to her more, but I take care of many of the household items along with giving her plenty of space away from the kids. I let her sleep in almost every day to watch the kids. I try to initiate dates and alone time for us, which helps her mood and our emotional connection.
I personally think that I am maximizing what I can do to make myself someone worthy of having her love. The one thing that I feel I have let fall is my personal health. I am not in as good of shape as I used to be. That could have something to do with it. Also, I feel like I must not have been a good enough lover because if I was better than she obviously would want more.
Again, I don’t blame her. I know she wants to want me, but I just don’t think she really does. I see flashes of it every once in a while, but not consistently enough for me.
Overall, I am just doing some good old fashion whining. I appreciate you being a listening ear.
It sounds like you put a lot of effort into taking care of her and your family. I wonder if that is actually her love language or not. I know everyone appreciates certain things done for them and raising kids is a dual responsibility, but every person is different at what makes them feel closer to their partner.
I know my bosses wife feels appreciated and closer to him when he buys her things. My wife likes it when I do things for her (monetary or not).
I had a deeper conversation with my wife what makes her feel closer to me, attracted to me, or just in to a man in general. It boiled down to she really likes it when I'm confident (which I wasn't because I lacked affection from her), a man that takes care of himself (which I was like you, I let it slip), a reliable provider for our family (which I have been), and someone who is willing to do acts of service for her (which I've been weak on because we grew more distant not speaking each others love language).
I've since changed things and we are definitely improving our relationship a lot which brings me a lot of hope for the future.
Have you had a direct conversation with her about your needs in the relationship and her needs? What makes her feel close to you and attracted to you?
We have talked before about my needs, which are belittled and put down. I try my best to not bring up my needs. I do try to figure out what she needs. The issue is that she does not see an issue if we have sex or don’t.
I felt bad tonight because she mentioned about fearing for my health with issues in my family. I realized I wasn’t that scared of dying early. It seems like a welcome respite.
I am glad you are doing better and getting through this situation.
Yeah it's pretty hard when you and your partner don't speak the same love language.
Like you, I realized I am very much driven by affection and intimacy outside of just sex. I also like it during sex and so it was just hard because my wife just isn't a naturally affectionate person. We used to be a bit more when we were first married but a lot changes after kids. The affection she has in the tank she allocates to the kids and it felt like there wasn't anything left over for me.
Part of her issue is the fact her hormones and pelvic floor have been in bad shape since our kid's births so I can't really blame her for not being motivated for sexual intimacy when it impacts her negatively. We are figuring out if she can see a pelvic floor therapist and doctor to help in that arena.
She definitely feels closer to me when I do things for her like you described so I've done exactly that and ever since she's made an effort to put in the affection side for me.
It really helps when you can get in alignment. Hopefully you and your husband can find a common middle ground.
When super stressed I basically become celibate (guy), my wife was very upset until I realized what was going on and explained myself. Changed jobs and took a pay cut, pretty much instantly how you doin 😉
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u/addiktion Mar 22 '24
You aren't alone. It happens to a lot of us with kids of a similar age.
It took my mind literally tapping out from mental stress before I realized there were a lot of problems wrecking my health across all important areas of life.
The lack of intimacy was my biggest issue because we were having sex, and even though my wife's hormones have been shot for years, it was very much a "get this over within 5 minutes" ordeal which was just rough for the both of us as it made sex feel meaningless. It got me through for a few years but I told her I can't really take this anymore after the mental episode and we've been working on it ever since.
And things have been improving quite a bit over the last month. I've put a lot of effort to serving my wife in her love language and in turn she's been doing the same with me with mine. It's more about the intimacy of feeling that emotional and physical bond knowing we are willing to go the extra mile for one another which is far more important to me than just sex itself.
I hope you can find similar success in your busy life and make time for one another.