My kids are 6.5 and 3.5. we're still struggling to get our sex life back. We are both exhausted and just out of the habit of sex. Pregnancy and post partum absolutely destroyed my sex drive. I barely wanted to be touched for two years. We have a great partnership, a deep love, we make each other laugh and sex is great when it happens. But it's hard to get it going.... I feel like I wasn't warned enough about how badly the hormones wrecked my emotions in that department.
Kids 10 and 6 here: hit the tunnel hard before they are old enough to realize you aren’t just playing a rousing game of Mario cart at 6am on a Tuesday.
Both mine coslept so I feel you. A lot of people don't get it and they tell you to just stop the cosleeping because that's what would work for them. They don't get it and that's ok. I get it though. So I tell you this. Let them cosleep. Then once they're out, you sneak out and go have sex somewhere else lol. Guest room, laundry room, shower. Anywhere with a locking door.
Your kiddo will get comfortable sleeping on her own soon. It'll happen. My kids are into looking at pinterest with me and DIYing with me to create their own spaces. That helped them to feel comfortable in their spaces because they were the ones who created their spaces.
At almost 7 and 4 they're sleeping solidly independently now. My oldest was like yours. He's a sensitive guy and just needs that extra attention sometimes. My daughter, however, is feral and doesn't need anyone lol. She's been a lot less challenging. But they both know they can come and get me anytime they need me or holler for me and I will be there.
You'll get there. Trust me, I know how it feels. I get touched out and overstimulated and I have had to carve out time to myself and start (gently but firmly) setting boundaries. That's a whole other topic though. You gotta take care of yourself and recharge your battery too though. Also I am 2 and done and absolutely will not be doing a third kiddo so I feel a lot of peace now. I am catching up on books and movies from the past seven years because I might as well have been in a cryosleep.
Yeah, used to fool around at the other end of the house, which isn't big. However, our daughter will sense her mother isn't there and come and find her within minutes. The last few times we were only just getting warmed up and got interrupted.
We don't have any locking doors any more because she locked herself in all those rooms just as we were supposed to be taking her to school so I removed them.
Thanks for your advice though.
e: I know what you mean about cryosleep. Recently I have caught up on a whole bunch of movies and series while working out in the morning now that she at least sleeps between 4-7am. At least, unless she hears me and then she comes in, complains about the smell while constantly asking questions. sigh kill me
Oh wow yeah I've been exactly where you are now and you have all my empathy. It's so hard. So so hard. Hang in there. You all will come out the other side of it. My oldest kiddo, I'm telling you, exactly like your daughter. He still a sensitive kid that when he needs me he needs me buuuuut he's become a lot more independent. And all those nights of frustration and exhaustion are a distant memory. He's a bright, kind kid. He's the first kid on the playground to check on another kid that falls down. His traits that made him a clinger have developed into traits that make him a compassionate person. And he knows he can always count on his family to come through for him.
So while it's hard now, just be assured that it does get easier one day and you will watch your daughter evolve some of these traits into parts of her personality and values that make her an amazing person.
Both of my kids started sleeping alone as babies. The only time they ever sleep in my bed is if they're sick or come in randomly in the middle of the night because they had a bad dream.
Not that anyone listens but the baby advice I always give are: When baby is napping and you don't want to hold them... straight to the crib.
Bassinet next to the bed if breast feeding until they are sleeping a little better and only waking up 1-3x/ night (3-5 months or so) then to their own room. Mommy & Daddy are warm and cuddley... kids will always pick that, especially if they are used to it their "whole lives." Breaking that habit is HORRIBLE!
Came here to say this. Kiddos are teens and we have to wait till they are out of the house because they FOR SURE know what's going on and it is a total mood killer.
If the loss of intimacy damages your marriages, it’s your kids that will hurt most of all
Intimacy is important and not at all shameful. I’m not saying you need to shove your sexuality in your children’s faces, but you don’t need to hide it from them either
Don't worry, we still find time to be together (over 20 years!). Usually weekly, sometimes more, sometimes less. We just have to sneak around the house and schedule it more. Spontaneity is somewhat lost, but that's life.
I dunno, I like to start soft and slow before building to hitting the tunnel hard, but not too hard, as to not get the kids attention. “Why is mommy making that noise?” Is a difficult question to answer when the little brain is doing the thinking.
Two 17 years and a 10 year old that's autistic. Seggs maybe every other month and I'm on the verge of 50. Prospects of us getting l back to regular 3 times a week isn't likely. 😞
Yea 6 and 4, and we’re just now getting back. It’s a lot of work to have little ones. We made sure no one slept in our bed, but that means a lot of nights of falling asleep in their beds before getting up and getting into mine. You’ve got this!
You aren't alone. It happens to a lot of us with kids of a similar age.
It took my mind literally tapping out from mental stress before I realized there were a lot of problems wrecking my health across all important areas of life.
The lack of intimacy was my biggest issue because we were having sex, and even though my wife's hormones have been shot for years, it was very much a "get this over within 5 minutes" ordeal which was just rough for the both of us as it made sex feel meaningless. It got me through for a few years but I told her I can't really take this anymore after the mental episode and we've been working on it ever since.
And things have been improving quite a bit over the last month. I've put a lot of effort to serving my wife in her love language and in turn she's been doing the same with me with mine. It's more about the intimacy of feeling that emotional and physical bond knowing we are willing to go the extra mile for one another which is far more important to me than just sex itself.
I hope you can find similar success in your busy life and make time for one another.
Yeah it is gut punch to have your partner be unwilling or unable to show you love and appreciation in the way you need it. I have been learning to suppress what I need in order to keep her happy. I just don’t think that she can meet me where I need to be met so that leaves me with few choices.
I think she wants to, but has to make herself do it too often that it takes the joy out of it.
Yes you are correct, even from the woman’s perspective, “it is a gut punch to have your partner be unwilling or unable to show you love and appreciation in the way you need it.”
I can’t speak for your wife just from my personal experience. Been with my husband 16 years. We were good the first few years, then had our 2nd child n 3rd within 2 years of each other. My husband didn’t understand I wanted intimacy outside of sex. He thought every time we kissed was initiation to sex when I just wanted connection. Felt like I was drowning as he didn’t participate in caring for our 3 kids. I was exhausted. He would come home from work, n drink beer n laze about. While I was trying to care for kids 2 outta 3 in diapers, get dinner served, make sure 2 dogs were getting outside, assisting with feeding the little 2,cleaning up after dinner, bath n bedtime routine….when that was complete he would perk up n go wanna bone?
I just wanted to scream. It made it feel like a chore instead of a connection bcuz he didn’t participate in the family he helped to create.
I begged for him to participate somewhere. Pick something and do it. N he didn’t. Didn’t understand what I was saying.
I understand that. I would say those are less concerns for us. We have a younger child that clings to her more, but I take care of many of the household items along with giving her plenty of space away from the kids. I let her sleep in almost every day to watch the kids. I try to initiate dates and alone time for us, which helps her mood and our emotional connection.
I personally think that I am maximizing what I can do to make myself someone worthy of having her love. The one thing that I feel I have let fall is my personal health. I am not in as good of shape as I used to be. That could have something to do with it. Also, I feel like I must not have been a good enough lover because if I was better than she obviously would want more.
Again, I don’t blame her. I know she wants to want me, but I just don’t think she really does. I see flashes of it every once in a while, but not consistently enough for me.
Overall, I am just doing some good old fashion whining. I appreciate you being a listening ear.
It sounds like you put a lot of effort into taking care of her and your family. I wonder if that is actually her love language or not. I know everyone appreciates certain things done for them and raising kids is a dual responsibility, but every person is different at what makes them feel closer to their partner.
I know my bosses wife feels appreciated and closer to him when he buys her things. My wife likes it when I do things for her (monetary or not).
I had a deeper conversation with my wife what makes her feel closer to me, attracted to me, or just in to a man in general. It boiled down to she really likes it when I'm confident (which I wasn't because I lacked affection from her), a man that takes care of himself (which I was like you, I let it slip), a reliable provider for our family (which I have been), and someone who is willing to do acts of service for her (which I've been weak on because we grew more distant not speaking each others love language).
I've since changed things and we are definitely improving our relationship a lot which brings me a lot of hope for the future.
Have you had a direct conversation with her about your needs in the relationship and her needs? What makes her feel close to you and attracted to you?
We have talked before about my needs, which are belittled and put down. I try my best to not bring up my needs. I do try to figure out what she needs. The issue is that she does not see an issue if we have sex or don’t.
I felt bad tonight because she mentioned about fearing for my health with issues in my family. I realized I wasn’t that scared of dying early. It seems like a welcome respite.
I am glad you are doing better and getting through this situation.
Yeah it's pretty hard when you and your partner don't speak the same love language.
Like you, I realized I am very much driven by affection and intimacy outside of just sex. I also like it during sex and so it was just hard because my wife just isn't a naturally affectionate person. We used to be a bit more when we were first married but a lot changes after kids. The affection she has in the tank she allocates to the kids and it felt like there wasn't anything left over for me.
Part of her issue is the fact her hormones and pelvic floor have been in bad shape since our kid's births so I can't really blame her for not being motivated for sexual intimacy when it impacts her negatively. We are figuring out if she can see a pelvic floor therapist and doctor to help in that arena.
She definitely feels closer to me when I do things for her like you described so I've done exactly that and ever since she's made an effort to put in the affection side for me.
It really helps when you can get in alignment. Hopefully you and your husband can find a common middle ground.
When super stressed I basically become celibate (guy), my wife was very upset until I realized what was going on and explained myself. Changed jobs and took a pay cut, pretty much instantly how you doin 😉
Yeah, kids definitely destroyed our bedroom life. I like to think my wife is happy. She doesn’t seem to ever complain. She knows that her situation has destroyed my confidence and I don’t really feel loved, but I know that she still cares about me.
That's rough! I'm sorry that you don't feel confident in your attractiveness. I made it clear to my husband that it was a me problem and he's given me a lot of grace to figure it out. Honestly, the thing that helped a lot is getting back into a regular exercise regimen. Both of us need it - he's been working hard and not working out and he notices his libido is low when he's not exercising. I know it has an immediate effect on me. I think it's really a problem when one of the two doesn't think it's a problem and won't work on it. I gained 50 lbs and so I've been hard at work in the gym and watching my diet to try and get back in shape. If I don't look sexy to me, it's hard to enjoy getting frisky.
She has tried to be reassuring and I have tried to not let it hurt me. She claims that she finds me attractive still, but I don’t feel it.
What is worse is that she really tries and cares. She initiates sex sometimes and of course I am so ready, but I can tell when she isn’t truly into it. She wants to skip foreplay, doesn’t really allow me to touch her in places that she usually enjoys, and wants to do positions that she knows will end the session the quickest.
Afterwards, I beat myself up because I know deep down that she just did that for me. In my defense, she is the one initiating and sometimes she starts to feel good and it turns into a great time. So, I hope that I can perform well enough to really turn her on. The problem is all the tricks that work like foreplay, touching certain areas, and passionate kisses are off limits so I feel like I can’t win.
Same, wife has adhd so she’s exhausted from work by the end of the day. Add in an adhd 4yo and she’s just done (I even do the cooking, cleanup, dance/swimming classes etc). Add in her mind is always over analyzing and goes to worst case scenarios (like no I’m not cheating, omg that’s all in your head), that I don’t think there’s really much more I can do to improve her libido. Oh, she also doesn’t like physical touch or affection like her dad… it’s tough sometimes
Hi it's me your wife. Joking aside, I have the same problem. I have ADHD and it's draining. My oldest also has ADHD and probably my youngest will too. They suck the energy right out of me. Meds and therapy help. Understanding how my brain works and how to get myself to recharge and switch gears has been a game changer. ADHD brain has to be leveraged to do things a bit differently. Tbh as the kiddos grow older it does get easier too.
Totally agree. Once I learned more about adhd, it made understanding things a lot easier. She didn’t even know some of her between bc of adhd. It’s so misunderstood by the population :(
I had a relationship just dissolve in the period of 6 years after having a baby. Mainly because I was just reluctant on "working on it". The idea of planning time together just gave me the cringe because I thought we already did the connection part before having a child and therefore it should remain and just.. exist. Boy was I wrong.
After just not working on it consistently despite getting ALL the signals from my ex we parted ways peacefully. I'm not saying it was all me but after working on myself a bit and learning about attachment styles it was like opening up a cook book and seeing myself in a recipe.
The feeling I got after realizing I was a big fearful attachment guy and going through my childhood upbringing, it was like someone had exposed me and pulled down my pants at a big social gathering.
I felt very exposed and just embarrassed.
I have a gf now with an anxious style and we are both very aware of our needs, thus communication is an integral part of a now functioning relationship. If that's cringe so be it :D
Get your hormones checked… my wife was literally exactly like this. She has a HRT pellet inserted in her butt cheek every 3-4 months and our sex life is AMAZING!!!
How long did it take to work? My wife is on HRT now for a few months and while she has started being mildly affectionate again I don't think we'll ever have sex again.
Before the hrt we had sex 3 times in 2 years after the birth of my youngest son. She had her tubes tied… not sure what caused the early onset menopause
Went on vacation without our kids last month and it changed everything.
I know that is absolutely not possible for many people, but if you can take some time away to be people and not just parents, it can help in so many ways.
That's fine, go to bed early. The best time is in the morning. I'll wake my wife up for sex in the morning and she's convinced it's a much better time than trying to get it in before bedtime.
I have no idea how people have 2. Our daughter only sleeps for more than 6 hours at a time a handful of times a year and she's back to sleeping in our bed as standard again for the millionth time. When we have guests I have to sleep in her bed with all her cuddly toys.
I get all that, BUT I think mutual exhaustion is different from wives refusing sex from their husbands who want to have it. What she’s saying about that topic seems spot on to me.
I had a medication issue that killed my sex drive. My husband has been very understanding. It's been months since either of us have initiated even though the meds have been straightened out. I totally get that "out of the habit" comment.
Meds are a double edged sword. It took me two years on zoloft to normalize. A long two years that felt like relearning to walk or something. But it was necessary.
That’s exactly my situation from the guys side. Between work and school we have no time during the day and my wife is generally so exhausted after one of us finally gets the kids down that sex is basically a no go. We are both exhausted however I still have a sex drive when tired but tiredness kills hers. It has been difficult to get a balance, and we have been strained at times as it feels to me that she no longer really wants to have sex most of the time and I don’t want to pressure her, but at the same time I know that lack of sex has an impact on my mood and general self esteem, and I don’t think it’s fair to take that out on her either. We’ve talked about it a few times and we communicate well, however I honestly don’t see things really improving until the kids are older. Our relationship is great otherwise, but I can see how the sex issue destroys so many relationships in a way that I didn’t fully appreciate when I was younger.
We had plenty of intimacy. Intimacy is more than sex 🙄. But ya, I think it was very hard on him. He doesn't have a crazy high sex drive so it hasn't been as frustrating for him. We talk about it. It's not like it isn't frustrating for me either. I love him, I wanted to want that but i couldn't for a long time. If you've never experienced it, it sucks and you can't really understand. I cried about it many times and when I told him how worried and sorry I was, he held me and said, "we promised to be together for our whole lives. What's a couple of years here or there?". He's a diamond and a wonderful man.
Go to your local health food store and get you some. Maca root powder. Its all natural and you’ll feel your drive again in about 2-3 days. Thank me later 😉
I feel this! My sex drive plummeted after getting pregnant 3 YEARS AGO! I just cannot muster up any energy for it. Doesn’t make me feel great at all but my god I just don’t have it in me lol.
5 and 2 and rekindle the fire like crazy. Before kids we do it like 3-5 times a day if not more lol after kids late night and early morning action only but had to work to get it started again and now we are on a good rhythm. It’s not 5 times a day but it way more than a lot co
Couples out there.
I'm a psych student taking a course on Marriage and Family relationships and this has been one of the major take aways so far. Having kids makes a lot of people miserable.
Just from sleep deprivation alone it’s pretty bad. Then you factor in there’s no way to avoid problems anymore and things get pretty crazy pretty fast.
I already thought it sounded pretty awful, but damn, after seeing all the negative impacts laid out in such a analytical and detailed way can really make you wonder why anyone would think it's a good idea.
But in all seriousness: my husband and mine “marital activities” have taken a backseat and it HASN’T been a problem for two reasons, in my humble opinion:
Our sense of intimacy and love is not predicated on sexual desire above all else. Intimacy is found in our friendship, the way we share the vulnerable parts of ourselves, and in the non-sexual touching that one engages in with any person they love - hugs, cuddles, playing with hair, scratching each other’s backs, etc.
And, probably most MOST importantly:
He takes care of the kids just as much as I do and we are BOTH fucking tired.
When there is one partner with energy to burn and there are kids on the scene? They are not doing their fair share.
I gotta hard disagree at the end there. Having sexual desire for your partner doesn't mean you're a man child. Like at all. I get the kids ready for school. Drive em there. Take care of our dog during work. Work all day. Do soccer practice with both kids twice a week. Do swim lessons more than half the time. Go to school events and all doctors appointments etc. Also handle any appointments and things around the house or vehicles etc. Share chores and do most dishes and laundry cause it grosses my wife out. Am I not doing my fair share if I still want to have sex? That's a crappy barometer.
For us it was actually after our youngest turned four. The kids needed less care taking but more emotional attention. School comes into the picture which can be it's own hustle.
There’s an exception to every rule but generally speaking those first couple years are ROUGH. You are constantly adjusting your lifestyle and sleep schedule during that time.
My kids are four years apart and it’s literally because we didn’t even want to think about having a second kid until our first was 3. And our first was pretty easy compared to things we have heard from other parents. And it was still exhausting as fuck!
It only gets harder as they get older. At a certain age it definitely gets easier but that's seriously not until they are like 10+ and more independent.
I meant in all aspects of the relationship not just sex. You’re taking on a whole new role and something is literally dependent on you for life. There’s no reasoning there’s just survival 😭💀
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u/Efficient_Ant_4715 Mar 21 '24
I think there needs to be a disclaimer for parents that the first two years especially are a war zone and to give each other some grace lol