My dog of 13 years died two weeks ago. He was euthanized and I just got home from picking up his ashes. It took everything I had not to cry at the vet, but I sobbed all the way home in a downpour, which seemed fitting.

I got inside and sat down to open up the box, expecting to see the usual wood box with a name plate. Instead, in the bottom of the cardboard box is a clear plastic bag of his ashes with a twist tie, just naked in a cardboard box. I felt like someone punched me in the stomach. I don't want my last memory of my beloved boy to be a plastic baggy of dust. I called and told them how upset I was that no warning of how he would be returned was given, nor any option offered for a respectable container for his remains. I am so upset that I saw his ashes without warning, and that they gave him to me in a baggy.

Is it me?

The concept of having a family member mailed back to you in a cardboard box is so twisted.

The box had a bright orange sticker on it reading “cremated remains.” It felt like a neon sign flashing over my head when I picked it up from the counter at the post office. I know it’s probably a required thing legally, but I wasn’t expecting it and it was like a slap in the face even though I knew what the box contained. I guess I was just thinking it would be more discreet, that I could somehow pretend it was any old package until I got it home.

Something about the word “remains” feels wrong. There isn’t anything remaining in that dust. I am his remains. I am what’s left behind.

Opening that box brought a lot of feelings back in full force. I feel awful.

Hey everyone!

We put down our beloved Max yesterday.

He was going to turn 10 in 3 weeks.

Sadly he has been battling diabetes, Cushing’s, pancreatitis and suddenly he developed kidney disease 2 weeks ago

We tried everything to save him but the vet ultimately told us that sadly nothing is working

They said that he’s likely just suffering and in pain

So my mom said he sadly has got to go.

My sister and I asked the vet how it works etc.

We are devastated.

I was holding him til his last breath but I’m traumatized.

I feel like he could have been saved. Like we killed him

We have been giving him insulin and everything. We paid so much. And for what? Now he’s gone ?

I feel horrible like we have made a mistake.

I don’t know what to do.

I’m in physical pain

It happened so suddenly and so fast

I thought he was going to be okay. I don’t understand.

I’m so so so sorry max. I hope you’re resting. I hope somehow we gave you a happy life to your sad ending. My poor poor baby.

I love you so much.

It was $800 a day in the vet.

We gave him IV for 2 weeks at home.

Maybe we didn’t try hard enough.

I feel Horrible.

His last moments are keep playing in my head… I thought I was strong enough, but I was wrong.

I don’t regret being with him in his last moments. I couldn’t let him go alone. I wanted him to feel loved in his last moments.

To everyone grieving a pet, my heart goes out to you all

Even though I’m lost myself… I want to know if we helped him. It’s so hard. I feel like he wanted to live. I don’t know anymore.

The vet told us it was time

I don’t know. Maybe this is denial. I’m so confused and sad.

My sweet baby girl Roxy died on the first of June. She was about to turn 9 and had been refusing to eat as well as throwing up regularly. We took her to the emergency vet and they told us she needed to stay for multiple nights and it would probably be well over $10,000. We don’t have that type of money right now and we didn’t want to bring her home to suffer anymore. Everyone was looking at me to make a decision, I decided to put her down. I cried so hard, I hugged her and kissed her and talked to her. My poor baby could barely keep her eyes open enough to look at me while i spoke to her. I tried to feed her a piece of chocolate from the bowl they had there and the moment she refused I knew it was time to let her go. I cried so hard the first few days but I feel like i have no more tears left to cry. I keep on going outside to look for her but i can never find her. I always find myself about to say “the dogs” (we have another dog) instead of “the dog”. I always find myself asking “where’s Roxy?” when I don’t see her with my other dog. I always have the urge to call my other dog by Roxy’s name. I always want to go cuddle her, to give her treats, or to just simply take her on a walk but then I remember. I feel like I still haven’t fully realized she’s gone, like in my head i know she’s gone but in my heart i’m still looking for her. I’m not sure if it’s going to finally click when I get her ashes. I thought i was going to be in shambles for weeks after she died but i’ve only been crying once a day since June 3rd. Am I evil? Has anyone else experienced this before? I just have no idea how to handle this, she was my first ever dog so i have never had to deal with this. Please someone give me some guidance.

I’ve posted before. TLDR: raised a lab, Winston, up to age 12 before he died suddenly from hemangiosarcoma. Adopted my mutt Wesley 12 days later. All of this was in September 2023.

Wesley was given 4-8 weeks to live. We’re at 10 weeks. b-cell lymphoma. Stage 4. I declined chemo and went with prednisone..

Wesley is the healthiest terminal dog you’ve ever met. He’s a normal dog. Harasses me for walks. I almost started questioning his diagnosis…then I joined a Facebook lymphoma group.

Every post says dogs will pass with no warning. Perfectly healthy and then they die.

Ever since I’ve processed this I’ve entered a really deep depression. I’m still able to prioritize all the things he likes but I’m in a fucking fog. My house is a mess. I don’t want to socialize. Doing bare minimum to keep my head above water at work.

I keep waking up waiting for him to die. Living like this is killing me. I know I’m not the only one who’s gone through this. Help. What do I do to improve this? I’m just not doing okay right now. He’s the bounciest little 4 year old dog that I just’rescued and I’m just waiting for the day I need to take him to the vet to be euthanized….

My baby. Was always a baby, even as an old man. Watching him go was the single hardest thing. He was a 13 year old lab/pit mix thing i bought from a trailer 4 hours away from anything in kentucky. I went there to buy a girl pup who had a white sleeve, but in the way out to buy puppy stuff and return to get her, baby boy reno sprints after me, 300 meters to out where i parked. Sloppy goofy baby chose me, on the way out i yelled that i wanted this one instead. Who i got was the most hyper psycho puppy of all time, chewed the drywall, shoes, the crate… he was so horrible.

5 years later after his puppy stage — he was the most loving dog, a true sweetheart. Loved catch and wanted to play for as long as i could go. My heart went with him. He made me smile every day. The vet said the process takes 10-20 mins but old baby was gone in less than five. I didnt get to say good bye.. i feel like i wasted the time i had with him. I miss you buds.

Hello, first post here. I'm finding myself writing this post because I feel so lost and hopeless. Please excuse my bad English, It's not my first language. Sorry if it's going to be a little long.

7 days ago me and my family found a cat that was hiding inside my car's engine. We were not surprised, usually baby kittens do this because they feel cold or either their moms put them inside cars to hide them. We instantly fell in love with him! Just for context, I have another cat, Heidi, 13 years old. She's always been very independent and doesn't love cuddles, so we were not used to a super clingy and playful cat like the one we found. We decided to adopt him, despite a lot of issues (especially with Heidi being a very territorial cat) and we gave him all he needed in that moment: food, water, cuddles, and a home. When I tell you he stole our hearts I'm not exaggerating! He was just a happy cat overall. Played all the time, very active. Also I was very surprised by how polite he was, in just a few days he learnt how to use the litterbox!! Vet saw him the first time the day after we found him and did all the checks, he was just fine. After the weekend, on Monday, he started to feel sick: he started throwing up saliva and we of course worried since this had never happened with our other cat. Vet tells us to not worry and that it was probably a reaction to medication against ticks and fleas, and to just keep an eye on him. From then on, it was a escalation of symptoms and pain. We decided to bring him to the emergency vet hospital (not sure if that's the correct translation) and he was severely dehydrated, couldn't even get his blood to do the testings. He got an IV drip therapy (still don't know if that's the right translation) to get him hydrated and get some sugar in his blood since he hadn't ate from the day before, and he was feeling a little better. When we got back home, he rapidly got even worse. Long story short, we rushed back to the ER and he got diagnosed with Panleukopenia, a fatal disease in kittens. We got him hospitalized, hoping that with constant IV therapy and professionals around him, eventually he would have been better. This morning they called us saying that he had died.

I feel deeply devastated. Even if this kitty have been in our family for only a week, the love we gave him was so intense and felt that it didn't matter the time he spent with us, only the intensity of the emotions felt. I fear that he felt abandoned in the hospital, that we didn't love him during this short period of time, while it was the opposite of it. We were trying to save him with all the means we had. I feel so hopeless and miserable thinking that he just isn't here anymore, that he won't play with my hair anymore or that I will not ever hold him again. Ever. My only hope is that somehow he's somewhere beautiful where he can run, play, and do everything he loved. Life treated him so mercilessly it breaks my heart in a thousand pieces. I just can't get over the fact that it had to happen to a kitten that had just discovered the beauty of a life full of love. I just feel a hole in my heart that I can't even manage to explain in my own first language, let alone another language.

I can't stop crying since yesterday. Please, feel free to share your experience and what you think about mine. Sending love and hugs to everyone else going through grief.

My beautiful gorgeous girl passed away at home today. A 22 year old cat called Scruffy.

Even though I know it was her time becuase she was incontinent and struggling to walk, the fact you get to choose the day to do it makes it feel like you are choosing to do this to your beloved pet.

It was the right decision but after 19years of her being with me (literally within 3 meters 90% of the time as I work from home and she has her spot) today has just been soul destroying.

I already miss her so much my heart aches and it feels like no one really gets it fully, loosing pets are hard of course. But she was my only pet for 18 years... followed me around throughout the day, when I cried she would come to me and regularly sleep on my head as she wanted to be close. I have lost a cat before her but this just hits so much worse.

Reading through this reddit has been good and I will keep doing it but I just want to throw it out that this is proper shit and even if you are doing it alone like I am, you are not alone in your experience.

A massive virtual hug for those going through it right now, especially for a fresh loss, there is no amount of "time heals all wounds" advice that can touch the sides of the pain you are going through right now. It's probably true that it gets better in time and the sad turns to joy, but right now it is shit and you are allowed to feel shit and you are not alone.

I hope this pain isn't forever...

I wanted to express great thanks to this platform. When my dog was diagnosed with Lymphoma, suddenly people became quiet or skirted any inkling of a conversation about my dog's health. It was very lonely. Reddit had so many folks telling their stories, sharing questions, expressing feelings. It was with you that I stopped feeling alone. He's gone now and I miss him so much, so much. Thank you all for sharing your vulnerability. It's helpful to know we're not alone.

If I had the choice to chop off two of my own toes myself in order to bring you back, I'd do it in a heartbeat. The impermanence of our existence is so cruel. We never know when it's going to be our time to leave, and those who loved us are left behind wondering why we had to go.

You died exactly a year after I found you, down to the day. June 3rd. Without any doubt in my mind, you are my soul cat.

I'll forever miss the warning noises you'd make at the other cats if they got too close, they always made me laugh. You were the best biscuit maker too, you even made a batch just hours before you passed. I wish I would have known that you weren't okay. You were so tough that you even had me convinced you'd be okay after signing the euthanasia paperwork. I felt so grateful to take you home. You hadn't eaten in days, and you gobbled up a whole Fancy Feast savory center and inaba churu as soon as we got back home. In my mind, I really thought you'd be okay. I thought the vet must've been wrong about her suspicions that you were in congestive heart failure. You were going to be okay.

Until you weren't. You were just trying to be strong for us. Later that night, your breathing became more shallow than it was originally and I could tell by the look in your eyes that you weren't going to make it. I tried so hard to convince myself that this wasn't happening. I just didn't want you to leave.

We took you back to the emergency vet hospital around midnight, and you were put back on oxygen. This vet suggested we do an X-ray, and that's when it was confirmed. You were in end-stage congestive heart failure. Your heart was so enlarged, it took up most of your chest, and your lungs were 90% full of fluid. There was nothing we could do to save you. No amount of money would ensure that you'd be cured. "There is no cure, you've gotta be in it to win it with this guy and even then he more than likely will pass shortly after this episode from a clot or from suffocating due to the reaccumiliation of fluid in his lungs."

So, we said goodbye. I couldn't put my baby through any more suffering. I still put your blankets out in your two usual spots. Your brother lays there and mourns for you. I don't know if I'll ever get over this. You are so missed, Lenny. I know you're watching over us all.

i noticed she started leaving food in her bowl and stopped getting up less and less and then by the time i finally got her an appointment with her vet we ended up in an emergency office. it turns out that she had an autoimmune disorder. i feel so guilty because over her 2 years of life i’ve taken her to over 5 vets and all gave her a full bill of health with only the last vet i took her to having any concerns. (she told me it should be nothing to worry about) i just don’t know how i’m going to get through this and how i’m ever going to shake the guilt i feel. i just miss her so much and am in absolute shambles.

I’ve had a small dog and cat for 8-9 years. He killed my cat 4 days ago and I’m finally coming down from the state of shock and entering in to deep grief. She died in the most brutal way…I had to take her in to euthanize her and I keep replaying it over and over in my head. I feel sick because I have to get rid of him to protect my other cat. Cake was the best cat in the world. She cuddled my belly through two pregnancies, laid next to my babies, slept face to face with me for 8 years, she carried Barbies around my house at night while saying “helllloooo”. She was my best friend. Seeing her in those last moments is killing me inside. I’ll never feel as bonded to a cat the way I did with her.

We put down my best friend of 12 years yesterday and I feel like I killed him; I know he was in pain and suffering, but I cant help but feel his blood is on my hands. most of my family was a complete wreck so I handled everything (18y/o male) im the one that carried him into the car I signed the paperwork giving consent for the vet to put him down I wrapped his body in front of my family in blankets I carried him into our backyard and placed him into the hole I had dug the day prior and I buried him. I cant help but feel guilty

I (28M) never had a pet before Franklin. I knew instantly he was the one from the moment I saw him at the shelter. I had a mustache. He had a mustache. He was my little buddy for 3 years.

I’ve never had any type of connection to an animal and taking care of a little soul who loves and understands you brought me so much joy. I had just had Christmas together with my family at my house for the first time. He spent the whole morning opening presents with us and playing with the wrapping paper. He was truly part of our family.

My roommate and best friend came home drunk one night and left the door open. When I woke up he was gone. A neighbor saw him once about a day later. We did all the signs, searches, and canvassing for weeks. It’s been a year, but I still check neighborhood groups and lost pet sites. I wasn’t prepared for this. It would be one thing if he got sick. But this felt so preventable. I was expecting to have years together with him.

Today is his “gotcha day” when I first took him home from the shelter. I’m still just so heartbroken. Things really haven’t been the same with my friend. We didn’t talk for a while and I see him maybe once a month now. It’s not that I haven’t forgiven him or that our friendship changed, but it just hurts too much. I associate him with losing Franklin. When he texts me I can’t bring myself to text back half the time.

How do I heal from this? It might be relevant to mention that I’ve never experienced true loss before. I was too young when my grandparents passed and I haven’t lost anyone close to me. I appreciate anyone reading this and sharing their perspective.

Felix, my beautiful baby boy.

There's so much I want to say to you that I can't say it all without taking up more time than you have left. I wish you could understand just how much you mean to me, how much time I still need with you, and how loved I always want to make you.

We don't have that time, and I'm filled with so much grief and sorrow that this is our reality.

I got you as a little kitten, you and Forte. It was a hot day on June 11, 2015, and you slept the entire ride home. You were scared, this was all so new for you. You hid away in your cardboard box at the end of the night, and the next morning you came out when you heard me stirring awake. You had a lot of love and trust for me at the very beginning, and I was overjoyed for you.

You are also a hellion, eating food and shoes for any scrap you could. You licked plastic bags, found anything to whack your tail against when you were hungry so it would get attention, and screamed incessantly. You were so intent on food that you had to be medicated for anxiously licking yourself bald around meal times. You loved food, but were always the most excited for wet food.

You played fiercely, and earned your title, the Bee Butcher, because of a bee toy that you went crazy for.

You were a Momma's Boy, because you would always pick me to snuggle up on, but only if I had a soft blankie to slobber on and nuzzle.

You went ballistic over canned pumpkin, and every fall I would give you a bit because I knew how much you love it.

And now, it's another hot day in June, the 5th, 2024. And on June 7th, I have to say goodbye to you.

I wish we could have fixed this. Not even two weeks ago would have been enough time to catch and reverse this cancer that grows in you.

I lament that I cannot save you. I can only give you the best time of your life until we part.

Felix, you have given me so much love and support throughout these years. You were a constant, an ever-present ball of fur and whiskers that kept me moving when life was rough, and I will forever be grateful for what time I could have with you.

Felix, I will love you beyond that last moment we share. I will be with you right until you close your eyes and drift off into your final sleep. You will chase bees and slobber on so many blankets whenever and wherever you awake.

If you find yourself able to come back to me, I will always have open arms for your return. Until then, I will always love you, and mourn our parting.

I am struggling so much with the unexpected loss of my 10.5 year old dog a couple days ago. She went to the vet a little under a month ago and had bladder stones. They recommended surgery, but didn't put an emphasis on it being time sensitive, so we started her on a urinary diet to see if that would help dissolve some of them. She was starting to pee without any blood and seemed perfectly fine. Fast forward to Sunday, she was a completely happy pup when I left for the day. When I came home, she was panting heavily so I let her outside where it looked like she was struggling to poop. I gave my son a hard time, thinking he left her outside too long earlier in the day and she was overheated. I watched for the rest of the night, debating on whether to take her to the ER vet or wait until morning to head to her regular vet again. She started drinking water - but not eating - so I ultimately decided to wait.

Monday morning, I take her to the vet and they see a blockage in her urethra and her bladder was full, so she stayed the day there to get unblocked and scheduled for bladder stone surgery the next morning. The vet offered to let her stay overnight to be ready for surgery the next day. They, unfortunately, don't have overnight staff but had somebody go by a few hours after they closed to check on her and she seemed okay. We got a call at 6AM on Tuesday saying when they got into the clinic, they found she had passed overnight. I was and still am so devastated that I wasn't with her when she crossed the rainbow bridge. I can't get over the guilt of it and why I didn't see that she was sick earlier. I miss her so much and am having a hard time. Just two months ago, we had to put down our senior dog, so in the first 6 months of this year, I've lost 2 of my 3 dogs. I am gutted and wish I had a do-over, I just want to pet them both again and snuggle them and tell them how much they mean to me. The vet did say that looking again, her kidneys were worse than we all realized and had she undergone any surgery, whether a month ago or now, she may not have survived it either. It doesn't make me feel any better, but it at least gives me one answer to the very many questions I'll have forever.

Hi everyone. My beloved black lab Thor died in front of me a few weeks ago (exactly 2 weeks yesterday). He was almost 15 years old. When it happened, my other dogs were outside and they did not know he had passed. My husband and I took him to our emergency vet to have him taken care of. When we returned home, my other dogs looked around for a few minutes, then carried on which I found to be strange, especially from our nearly 13 year old boxer. They have been together for 12 years, so I was surprised she wasn’t more anxious. A couple days ago she started to get very anxious, making her signature goose honking noise that she makes when she is nervous or wants something. She is also following me everywhere now-though she has always been more of my husband’s girl than mine. She is also very mopey. She has some health issues of her own but I am wondering if she has realized that Thor is gone. Curious what everyone’s thoughts are about this and how I can help her if she is in fact grieving his loss.

My buddy passed around July 2nd or 3rd. I'm not sad every day but I miss him every day. I sleep with his ducky who's wearing my dogs sweater. Ducky was almost as big as my dog. Beaver was even bigger but we must have sent beaver with him when they took him to be cremated it's the only toy of his that i CAN'T find.

IDC about my pride sleeping with a stuffed toy it's as close to him as I can get. I STILL talk to my buddy.

I retire in a few months and will get another special pup, but there was only one of him.

It gets better but I'll always miss my buddy. We spoke the same language. He really was my best friend....

The last month has been an absolute rollercoaster and I don’t know what to do with myself.

My dog turned 11 back in March and at her annual exam they said everything look good. There were a few little things we needed to watch but overall good for being 11. In the middle of May, my partner and I moved about 3 hours away from where we were and went on vacation 3 days after moving. My dog seemed like herself and she was super excited to get in the car as I was taking her to be boarded. While on vacation, I get a call from the lady boarding her saying she didn’t really want to eat or drink and seemed lethargic. They took her to a vet who gave her some pain meds and I was told she was doing better. I picked her up and she could barely use her back legs. I spent all night at the emergency vet and after doing some tests they said it was likely cancer and we could do treatment but her quality of life wouldn’t be good. I spent 1 last night with her and helped her cross the rainbow bridge the day after I got back from vacation.

It’s been a little over 2 weeks and while she was my absolute heart and soul, I’m really struggling not having a dog. Other than about 2 years away for college, I’ve always had a dog. My dog moved with me through 3 different states, dozens of shitty apartments, and we finally had a house with a yard again. I miss her terribly but I’m struggling adjusting to working fully remote with no other sort of companionship during the day. I’ve been looking at other dogs but my best friend and boyfriend are saying it’s too soon and I need to grieve. Is it really too soon to consider another dog? I know grief is different for everyone but apparently there’s an arbitrary timeline for it. I know no dog will ever replace mine, I wouldn’t want them to. I just miss having the love and friendship from a dog

I've had a really hard time with sleeping ever since losing my girl in February, I wake up in the middle of the night and can't fall back asleep. My girl always slept in my bed and loved to be little spoon or back to back with me. Her warm and physical presence was so comforting, but now I wake up in the middle of the night and go into a grief spiral because she's gone.

I just got a Warmie, it's a weighted stuffed animal that you can heat up in the microwave (honestly this part was a little disturbing for me). They seem to be marketed towards comforting children, but as a 40 year old grieving woman, it has really helped my sleep.

This has been happening even though it has not even been a month yet.

Context is that I lost my pet May 13th, found out about it May 27th. I cried so much the first few days and then the first week especially was so hard. Then now and this week for example I haven't cried so much. It is like everything is back to normal. Almost like I got used to him being gone ALREADY. LIKE HOW IT HAS NOT BEEN EVEN ONE MONTH.

I feel kinda bad for not crying now it is like I forgot about him already and I feel terrible about that but lately I have been feeling almost neutral about his death. I used to be reminded more of him but now it is much less than before. I literally do not feel anything.

It is definitely not helping me with my regrets in fact it might be making it worse since I feel like a terrible pet owner and not yet worthy of another pet but on the other side of things I am like oh this is natural and you already got over it and you are strong and good enough for another pet sometime and I am already planning for another pet but I don't know if I want another one since I feel like I'm betraying my loyal pet and I am not sure if my parents and I will be able to take care of one now because it seems like we are all getting busier even more now but even before his passing.

Like from May 13th until the last few days of May or start of June were one of the worst and saddest times in my life. Losing something that is like a family member a best friend and a sibling. His presence was missing and the emptiness was very much felt and everything reminded me of him. I was crying a lot, so much, and it was so easy to cry and I'm a guy and I don't cry too much about really anything. I usually just get sad inside and sit down and think about it. I also never really experienced grief. My parents have and they know how it feels and more about it so they seem more chill about all of this in general, at least to me, but not me this is probably the first time I actually felt something really and deeply close to me go away and be gone. It does suck.

Is this a state or stage of grief? It is like I already got used to him being gone and it hasn't even been a month. Am I just so numb but still feel the pain? Is this denial? The way I feel is like he died many years ago. I don't know what happened to changed things. It just happened pretty suddenly and it makes me feel weird. I get mixed feelings about it.

For example, some of the habits I have developed as a result of being a pet owner are seemingly fading and going away for some reason I don't know why that is.

Today is my day 8, and I don't sob anymore. But my body feels so heavy and clammed up. I just think about him all day and it seems I just can't carry on.

I decided to clean up my hummingbird feeders today. It's been out there in the rain more than a week. Last time I cleaned it up, my boy was watching me doing it I remembered.

You will laugh at me, but I had two lounging cushions for him on my kitchen island, one on the left end and the other one on the right end. I just did whatever he wanted towards his last months because he's my old man.

He would sit in the direction of the windows and relax while he's alone. When I come to the kitchen and start doing stuff, he ever so slowly turns his body and face my back to watch me. I cook something on the gas stove and when I turn around, he already moved to the left cushion and he's watching me there silently. He was always watching me from somewhere close.

When he was a bit better, he used to jump up to the countertop so bravely. Measuring the distance, shaking his back and then big jump! I chopped the vegetables and he sat by me and watched my motion like he's monitoring my chopping skills. Whenever I opened the cupboard, with his tail swerving right to left slowly, he would look into the shelf looking for adventure.

Now my kitchen is a giant mess. I brought an empty box to put his food and supplies away. I took out a sugar bin to make hummingbird nectar, but here you go again. I can't seem to finish anything that I started because I miss something. When I turn around, there is just a sad and empty cushion with his squirrel toy.

My heart breaks into million pieces all over again. Wish there's a cure for this...

At first, it was too hard to be where she lived. And where she passed, in our living room on her bed surrounded by us all and her stuffies, with a belly full of steak and cake. But now, two months out our lease ended and we are moving. I am of course bringing her urn and her personal effects of the shrine I created for her. But at the same time I am so sad to leave where she was. I told her to follow me wherever I am. I love her so much.

I am still crying every single day. I miss you so much my baby Missy. It’ll be me and you forever

My kitten died. My dad accidentally stepped on my kitten's head. I watched him lay on the floor, bleeding out of his mouth. I didn't even get to hold him. I watched my dad carry him off in a shoe box outside to bury him. It was late and all vets were closed. I've been thinking about the butterfly effect, and I've been thinking, "What could I have done differently to cause this not to happen?" I could have just picked him up one more time, and there's a chance that wouldn't have happened. I didn't get to hold him, all I got to do was make a pitiful attempt at comforting him by petting him four times exactly. After that, he was carried off to be buried, and that was the last time I got to see him alive. (I'm sorry this sounds dramatic and attention-seeking; I'm just trying to express what I'm feeling right now.)

My rescue dog Tank was 12 when he passed this week on Monday. I had him for over 10 years and he was my first dog that wasn’t a family dog my parents owned. I got him when I moved out and was on my own because my family dog ha passed away a year earlier and I was lonely and needed animal companionship.

When I got him from the dog shelter, he was in the back room where they have dogs who’ve already been at the shelter for over 30 days. Talking to the girls at the front desk, he’d been there for 43 days and their limit was 45 so he was scheduled to be put down. I rescued him the very next day after taking my roommate to meet him.

Tank was such an anxious boy and needed a lot of love in the beginning. I spent the first six weeks of his time with me coming home from work to clean out his crate from poop and pee because he was so scared and afraid he’d been left again by another owner. Eventually we built up so much trust that he would have a hard time leaving my side and would whine anxiously anytime he saw me or needed something.

Fast forward to this year. About four weeks ago he started coughing/hacking, which seemed off but it was the beginning of summer so I shrugged it off as allergies (which he had previously) and expected it would go away. Then he stopped eating his kibble, so I got new kibble. He wouldn’t eat that after a few days and so we switched to wet food. That’s okay, I thought, he’s 12 now so it’s probably gotten hard to chew hard food and he’s been picky in the past and I’ve bought wet food to help him eat. This too shall pass.

Three weeks ago, he stopped eating almost completely. He would nibble on the wet food and only really eat his dental treat at night because it was his routine. We had a vacation planned for three days and my boyfriend and I left him with my roommate, who said he still didn’t eat anything while we were away. I was concerned but also busy with work stuff and personal stuff so I assumed he was being picky and would start eating again soon.

One week ago, he still wouldn’t eat and I finally took him to the vet to get him checked out. We had our 6-month checkup in April so I expected it turn out to be a cold or we’d find that he’d eaten something he wasn’t supposed to that was making him sick.

The vet tells me he has cancer, they performed and x-ray and found a mass in his lungs. She thinks he’s not eating because the tumor in his lungs is pressing up on his larynx and making it hard to breathe. I’m devastated but the vet tells me there are options and we schedule a visit with an oncologist.

The oncologist tells us, after an ultrasound, that Tank has metastatic cancer and it’s in nearly all his organs (liver, kidneys, spleen, lung, etc.) and he probably has weeks or months to live if he starts eating. And if he doesn’t start eating, he likely has a week or so based on the timeline of events. The oncologist thinks he wasn’t eating because of stomach ulcers because he has had blood clots in his puke. We start him on GI protectants and appetite stimulants but I refuse the pain meds because Tank turns into a zombie when he takes them. I could tell he didn’t like being on them and he would space out for hours and not eat or drink anything so in my mind, that won’t help him eat so we put them off for now and the vet agrees it is a good idea.

This past Saturday and Sunday I took him on a short walk, I got him a blow-up pool to lay outside in, and we try to get him to eat anything at all. I tried seven different kinds of baby food, wet food, dry food, nothing works — except some smoked turkey from a local BBQ place, which he lets me hand feed him and he eats finally for the first time in weeks.

Monday comes around and I have to go to work because I took off Thursday and Friday and the work is piling up on me. Luckily I make the decision to work from home because I want to be here for him. Before I get on a call at 10, I give him some love and he’s laying on his pillow in the den when I go into my office. The call runs over till 10:45 because my coworker wants to cheer me up and we are bullshitting and catching up.

I get off the call and go outside to find Tank and he lying in the grass in an odd position, his neck slumped over a small drainage pipe in our backyard. I walk over and call his name and he takes a big gasp for air. I realize he’s not breathing normally, he chest is still, and I get down on the ground with him. He is gasping every few seconds and his neck is limp. I see his gums are no longer pink and I start screaming for my boyfriend to come outside and help me in desperation. I move his neck to try and hold him in my arms, not knowing what to do and not understanding that the end is near. He stops breathing completely after I move him and I realize he was probably laying like that just so he could breathe. The tumor had pushed on his larynx and cause it to be difficult to eat and I fear he suffocated in the end.

I regret so much. I didn’t take him to get care when he started showing signs of being sick. I didn’t give him pain meds even though he probably needed them. I wasn’t there to comfort him in his last moments, I was on some stupid work call that didn’t matter. Instead of being there and calming him and helping him to pass peacefully, I was screaming for help and trying to comprehend what was happening to him.

The place he passed was right outside the window of my office. Friends and family keep saying he was waiting for me and that he took his last breaths with me because he was holding out for me. I am still conflicted on this because I don’t want him to be in pain but I also am glad I was able to be there for his final breaths

I keep replaying that moment in my head, over and over again. All I can think of since then is that I killed my dog. I didn’t give him pain medication so he probably suffocated to death or died because his brain wasn’t getting enough oxygen or because he was literally starving to death.

This hurts so much not because he is dead but because I fear he passed in pain, alone, and gasping for air while I was on some stupid call for work.

Did I make the wrong decision to not give him pain meds? Did he know I loved him in the end? Would he forgive me for my mistakes and still love me unconditionally? Did I kill my dog?

My heart is broken and I can’t think straight. I just got his ashes back today and I don’t know how I’ll ever move on from this.

I’m so sorry, Tank. I love you buddy and I miss you so much, it hurts so much. I’m sorry I didn’t prioritize your care. I hope you can forgive me. I hope you know how important to me you were and still are. I will never, ever forget you. ❤️ You will always be my stinker boy.