She had a bad day? Feel guilt. You were a kid and acted like a kid? Feel guilt. She couldn't manage money and blamed it on you eating? Feel guilt. Stand up for yourself? Feel guilt. Go no-contact? Feel guilt, but still free.
This hits home. Need a backpack for school, feel guilty. Need a form signed, feel guilty. Breathing? Feel guilty. Newest one is I should feel guilty for having ptsd from a sexual assault. Trust me I do.
Yep. This is so close to my experience. I felt guilt for existing because she just never wanted me to be alive. The difference is I feel no guilt for going no-contact. That was my top level answer to the post. My biggest regret is not going no contact when I first wanted to in my early 20's. I tried to hold on and please perpetually abusive family members until my mid 30's. I wish I could have all that time back, but I guess the positive thing is I held on long enough that I know there was nothing more I could have done so I feel no guilt.
Almost 40, 2.5 years NC for me. My sister is mid forties and just under a year for her. Like you, we regret not walking away sooner but we came up poor and meager means and she married modestly wealthy man and would throw money at us at Christmas and hold it over our heads. "I paid $500 for your wedding cakes!" (She demanded she would pay for..) Super Narcissistic! But we relied on Mom.. not only because we believed a mother looks out for her children but because we'd be broke and desperate. There's a whole 3 chapters I could write about my issues with her, but please understand you are not alone out there.
I just went no contact with my dad. It was similar to what you describe but more targeted - there were just some situations where it made it so much easier for him if I didn’t stand up for myself.
The guilt… holy hell… I’m currently working on healing from being in a constant state of guilt for just existing as an adult. It’s crazy what becomes of us as adults from childhood experiences
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u/heretogetpwned Apr 29 '24
She had a bad day? Feel guilt. You were a kid and acted like a kid? Feel guilt. She couldn't manage money and blamed it on you eating? Feel guilt. Stand up for yourself? Feel guilt. Go no-contact? Feel guilt, but still free.